The Amazing Kitten Race

by watty

Copyright © 2005

Rating: NC-17
Uber Setting: Contemporary
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialog belong to Mutant Enemy, The WB, UPN and others. The Amazing Race belongs to CBS, Amazing Race Productions Inc, Touchstone Television Productions Inc, Jerry Bruckheimer Productions and others.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse http://mysticmuse.net
If you want to archive this, please let me know first.
Feedback: Yes please!
Spoilers: None.
Author's Note: First and foremost, a big gigantic thanks to Debra for starting Survivor – Ash Island. Even if you are not a reality show fan, check it out because it's smashing. The W/T interaction in Chapter 2 is worth the entrance price (so to speak) already.
For me, TAR isn't TAR without Miss Alli's recaps on televisionwithoutpity, even the racers themselves show up on TWoP forums. So the format of the episodes will take the form of recaps, ie a write-up of the episode from the viewpoint of the recapper (ie, me). It will be personal, snarky and I hope humorous. I'm not Miss Alli though so bear with me and tell me if it isn't working. I'll also include some behind the scenes footage and extras.
Webhost's Note: Special thanks goes to Chris Cook of Through the Looking Glass, MKF and Artemis for the graphics, wallpapers and source coding. Thanks, Chris!
Wallpaper: Here.
Pairing: Willow/Tara

EPISODE FIVE:
I'M SO HUNGRY I CAN EAT BLOFELD'S CAT

Episode recap

Bellinzona, in the southernmost canton of Ticino, is a World Heritage site, rubbing shoulders with other important places such as the Pyramids in Egypt and the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. Actually I think it's more a case of standing on the shoulders of giants. Or jumping up and down futilely trying to reach shoulder level, you know, like you're the shortest kid in the basketball team and you're in a line of 7-footers, and the camera has to pan down to see you, down there in all your 5'4" glory. It is also the latest Pitstop of a race around the world.

We haven't been privy to many eat / sleep / mingle moments so far, so the Producers decide to make up for it by showing us an extended sequence. Apparently it's a longer Pitstop than usual. I know they do that sometimes, to fit in flight schedules, to organize the next leg, or if Phil's sick, or for no reason at all.

They're staying at the Swiss version of the Little House on the Prairie, except it's modern and efficient and looks very prosperous [*so, where are the similarities?*]. Their dinner is an absolutely phenomenal buffet spread, even Joyce has a huge plateful of carb- laden food as she explains that she hasn't eaten all day, and is absolutely starving.

Phil voices over about making friends and enemies, we see the oldsters chatting away and some of the YDCs sharing a table. Just like in the school canteen it's not long before a fight breaks out. We don't catch the beginning, but it's between Randy and Riley, so it's not hard to imagine it's because of Randy's attempts to get into Buffy's pants. To her credit, and based on what we see last leg, she hasn't encouraged him at all. He's being stupid all by himself, I think it's time for the Professor to whip his son into place.

The next day we follow the teams as they go sightseeing. Apparently they are allowed out of the Pitstop prison because we see Xander & Anya getting on a leisurely cruise at Locarno while April and Oz (wow, I never realized how similar in height these two are) are using very broken Italian to buy fruit at a market stall. In another scene, Joyce is using her totally fluent Italian to talk to the locals at a shop.

Meanwhile the fight at dinner looms large, Buffy & Riley and Rupert & Randy wait at a bus stop and you can put the entire Pacific Ocean between them, that's how studiously they're avoiding each other.

Willow & Tara, who are in last place, have no money and will receive none, interview on a bus that they are heading into Bellinzona town to beg for money for the next leg. They have $20 from the Moms and Pirates and they're very grateful. I know there's discussion on the forum about racers giving other racers money. No, it's not obligatory, but it's always nice to see some generosity.

Usually racers in their position beg and cajole unsuspecting souls with sob stories, but Tara ends up setting up camp in a piazza and turning portrait painter for the day, how ingenious! And she's good too, sticking to simple charcoal drawings that minimizes work time while maximizing income. Yes they have Lady Luck with them, with the non-Elim and being in a relatively easy location for a little sidewalk business venture. Imagine if they're in the middle of the desert or in a poorer country, but kudos for them to utilize their skills in this way. I mean, if it were Adam & Oz, would they have thought of borrowing a guitar and busking? How much will passers-by give Flutie & Snyder in a display of The Bickersons on Xanax?

Aaaand we're at the start of the Race, and I'm bummed out that the eat / sleep / mingle portion of the show is actually eat and mingle only. Where's the sleeping? I know it's more likely to be loud snoring and armpit scratching, but I'm a true smut bunny, I can use my imagination, can't I? Just give me one smooch, just one. And you know which 2 racers I'd like to see smooch most, right?

4.45am. The Pirates set off, looking better than the dried vegetable look they adopted at the end of the last leg. They are to drive 80 miles to Meiringen and find the statue of the famous character who met his death in the nearby falls. Xander asks the obvious question, "What famous character?" but the clue stays silent. Oh man, the Amazing Producers are good. I've been keeping scores and this team's performance so far is 2-1-4-1, which is very impressive, considering their competition.

5.02am. TallShort read their clue, frown at its incompleteness and run off towards their car. They agree to head towards Meiringen and find a tourist office to try to find more information.

5.15am. Team Efficiency join the "what famous character" train. They figure they will need to find more information once they get to their destination, they aren't going to get anything in Bellinzona. Robin voices over that they are enjoying the race and each other's company so far, he hopes they can continue with their strong streak. Yes, and so do I. So do I. [/Horatio Caine]

5.29am. Goldies, looking tired and tense. Riley looking especially grim, a look that completely doesn't suit him. He interviews that he had a little spat with another racer the night before that change their perspective somewhat. "It's a dirtier game now, and we'll just have to switch on our nasty mode," he seethes. He completes the Evil Cardboard look by wearing a blue polka dot bandana around his head, I shiver in His Evilness' presence. [*not*]

5.41am. R.Randy read the clue. I half expect Rupert to know who the mysterious famous dead character is, and obviously so does he. But he frustrates himself by thinking too hard and he can't remember. Randy gives his Dad a strange, pitying look. Must be the bollocking he got the night before for getting into a fight, which he doesn't mention.

5.42am. Moms. The immaculate sweats and brand new sneakers they were wearing at the beginning of the Race now look well worn in, as do the ladies themselves. Joyce re- affirms my barely functioning memory unit by talking about how great it was to be in Italy again, even though she spent most of her 2 years in Rome and it was her first time in places such as Torino. She adds that she's missing her daughters, Anne and Dawn, but is surprised to find herself acting like a Mom towards the younger racers such as Buffy and Tara.

5.58am. The Principals are the money counters this week, they have $151. Yay! We're back with the palindrome funds. They puzzle over the identity of the unnamed famous character, Flutie even flips the clue over and stare at the pristine white page. Nope, nothing there.

6.09am. AAbot rip the clue, read the clue and are complete floored. Already. Sigh. Andrew postulates that the rest of the clue may be written in invisible ink on the other side. He considers getting a lemon. Boy's got an unhealthy imagination, I tell ya.

6.12am. Lovebirds. I can't believe they're an hour and a half behind the Pirates, must have been a massively wrong turn they took. Tara reads out the part of the clue we already know, that other teams have $151 and one team will receive nothing. "That's us," she says.

"We, or rather, Tara, earned us over CHF 200 during the Pitstop, which works out to be something like $170, I can't believe we actually received more than the other people," Willow recounts in the car. They made that much yesterday? Makes me want to learn how to draw quickly and draw portraits at a Swiss piazza all day too.

Phil explains that teams are heading towards Meiringen in Central Switzerland, which has two claims to fame. The first being the place where dainty meringues were invented and the second is that it's where Sherlock Holmes fell to his death after an epic struggle with his arch-nemesis, Professor Moriarty. So, the racers have to find a statue of a meringue? Oh, right, the Sherlock Holmes statue in front of the Sherlock Holmes Museum at Conan Doyle Place. Silly me. I would have thought they'd name the street 221B Baker Street rather than Conan Doyle Place, but whatever. [*They can't name a street with numbers, right? Elementary, my dear watty. And no, I couldn't help saying that, hee.*]

The road to Meiringen passes through the St Gotthard tunnel which, at more than 10 miles long, held the title of the world's longest car tunnel for 20 years until the Norwegians built a longer one in 2000. Oh the competition. It has single lanes on both sides and cars are separated by a big wodge of air sitting on top of double white lines that seem to stretch on and on and on and on.

"You think it's just a tunnel, no biggie right?" Randy explains while he shakes his head. "The lighting's not too good and there's nothing between you and the cars and trucks that seem to come straight at you on the other side, it's pretty scary. Plus you drive for miles and miles without seeing daylight and soon claustrophobia sets in and you feel the mountain crushing down on you. That's when I almost had an accident."

And we see through the front windscreen how Randy is veering off his lane almost into the path of an oncoming truck. Rupert screams, "Watch out for that truck! You're too close to the line!" and Randy turns the wheel sharply and barely gets out of the way of the giant honking truck. While Randy hasn't come close to setting off my attentionmeter this Race, I've grown fond of Rupert and I don't want him to end up being the filling of a human-steel sandwich. I'm relieved.

Xander & Anya arrive at Meiringen, the sun's almost fully out. It's a small little town with a small population, a few churches, hotels and a tourist information office that is currently closed. Anya notes that the office opens at 8am, Xander barely listens as he pokes around. Anya wrings her hands. Xander continues his wander around the area.

Adam & Oz arrive, they join in the mini-bunch. Robin & Faith arrive, shortly followed by Buffy & Riley, looks like Riley gains them valuable time by driving fast again. They compare notes before agreeing that they have no idea what they are looking for.

Joyce & Sheila drive into town and spot the Sporthotel Sherlock Holmes, Sheila remembers about Holmes falling down the falls and suggests that they are looking for the statue of the famous detective. They park their car and spot the waiting teams across the street. They have a short debate about whether to join the others. "We knew we needed the Sherlock Holmes statue, but we weren't sure if the other teams knew. The problem is we didn't have a map so we have to wait with the others for the tourist office to open," Sheila tries to explain. I don't know what her point is. They can just wait with the group, lie their heads off, then when the tourist office opens, just grab the nearest map. I don't understand the hub-bub about nothing.

The Principals roll into town, there is no welcoming party. Boo-hoo, goes Snyder. He can't believe the tourist office isn't open and does another of his signature fumigation act. Listen Snyder, you started the leg over an hour behind the first team, the bunching is to your advantage, so stop with the whining.

R.Randy finally make it, having slipped 2 positions. Randy is still driving, if I were this team, I'd switch as soon as we got out of the Gotthard. But they're not me. Who knows what's on their minds. There's a beautiful shot of their car passing the Sporthotel Sherlock Holmes, and I think if Rupert saw it, he will make the connection immediately, but his head is firmly down, reading a map, at that particular moment. Shame. Or not. [/evil grin]

The tourist office opens and teams pile in, to the obvious shock of the single member of staff who has arrived. The young lady becomes completely flustered and reacts the only way she knows, by stiffening up, making all the teams take a number and waiting in line. Go, tourist office lady! I wonder what her reaction is when she finds out they're all going to ask her the same question? She'll FREAK.

The Moms, once inside, head straight to where the free maps are stacked and snag themselves one. They find the location of the statue quickly. R.Randy do the same, the minute Rupert steps into the tourist office and finds references to Sherlock Holmes everywhere he has a lightbulb moment.

Meanwhile, Team Efficiency is, as per usual, first to the counter and get the address quickly. The Goldies and TallShort approach the hapless lady together and get what they want.

AAbot arrive in town and join in the mad scum that is the tourist office. Lovebirds, on the other hand, are at the Sporthotel, or to be precise, inside the Sporthotel asking for directions. Now why didn't the Moms think about that?

Moms and R.Randy get to the Sherlock Holmes statue together, they rip open the clue which tells them to drive 25 miles to Lauterbrunnen where they are to catch a train/funicular/train combination up to the village of Mürren for the next clue.

Team Efficiency get to the statue and retrieve their clue. More running! More driving!

Goldies and TallShort get their clue. It's funny to see the two tallest and the two shortest people mingling, may be one time they can do a partner swap, you know, like wife swapping. Buffy and Oz will be snuggly like Ewoks and Hobbits [*oookayyy*]. And hey! what about that HoYay! vibe I'm sensing off Riley and Adam. Ewww.

Surprise! It's the Lovebirds. Lady Luck is again walking among them, the mini- bunching at the tourist office coupled with their effective stop at the hotel put them right in the middle again.

In quick succession at the tourist office and the statue: Pirates, Principals and AAbot. Yawn.

Everyone's bunched together again as we see teams buying tickets at the railway station at Lauterbrunnen. I'm too tired to talk about bunching again.

Phil, in a heavy(!) green shirt and pleated(!!) chinos walks and talks down a hillside that looks exactly like it's lifted from a chocolate box. He tells us that Mürren is a car-free village situated on a shelf on one side of the picturesque Lauterbrunnen valley. It offers stunning views across the valley of the mighty triple peaks of Mönch, Eiger and Jungfrau.

Behind Mürren rises the Schilthorn, at 2970m it's impressive by any standards, but is positively dwarfed by the other peaks around it. Nonetheless, it has one feature its neighbors don't have — it was featured in a James Bond film.

Which neatly(!) brings us to Xander and Andrew browsing at yet another tourist office. Did we have sponsorship from the Tourist Offices of Switzerland Association? "Man, look at this, 'Enjoy the James Bond breakfast at the highest revolving restaurant in the world, Piz Gloria at the top of the Schilthorn, the setting of the film On Her Majesty's Secret Service', I can totally do with breakfast right now, I'm so hungry I can eat Blofeld's cat," Andrew says to Xander.

"I took an online personality test on which James Bond villain I am and I'm Goldfinger," Xander seems to be, wait a minute, boasting. I roll my eyes.

"Did you take the one on which James Bond gadget are you?" Andrew asks, clearly impressed that Xander is Goldfinger. Even if those online tests are as malleable as Andrew's spine.

Xander shakes his head. "Couldn't find it on the net," he says dejectedly. "Hey, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, that's the one with the photocopier that cracks safes?" he asks. Andrew nods enthusiastically. The dork brothers share a moment of male-bonding. [*no, no, no! Not bondage, read.the.words!*]

When they return to the train, Andrew shows his booty of brochures to April who does a credible impression of one of those dispensable Bond victims – all blank looks and "huh?". I finally figure out what's up with her, the light's on but nobody's home, I can see right through her skull when the lighting's just so.

Andrew distributes the leaflets and pretty soon it becomes the Amazing Discussion on Who is the Best James Bond. Me? Connery forever, like there's ever any doubt.

Blipvert of the journey up to Mürren and teams running out of the small train station to the cluebox. It's a Roadblock, 'Who wants to experience the ups and downs of being a secret agent?'. The Roadblocker has to run to the other end of the village and pick up number tags for their task.

They figure it's a James Bond type physical challenge, so the young fit males take it (um, except teams that don't have a young, fit male). Hot-bods like Robin and Riley (hey, that sounds like a 70s folk band) make short work of the one main road in the village. The only reason Riley doesn't beat Robin easily is because he spends a few seconds too many shoving Randy out of the way. Anyway they whoop as they read the rest of the clue to discover what they have to do. Each Roadblocker takes a cable car up the Schilthorn, but not quite all the way up because the cable car will stop halfway and they have to bungee jump off the cable car into thin air. Just hearing that is enough to reduce my knees to jello.

But not the Racers, I guess they're made of sterner stuff than jello. [*and that's so difficult*] Even the Moms and Principals are excited. "I knew coming on the Race there'll be chances to do something completely crazy and slightly dangerous, I've always wanted to try bungee jumping but never had the courage, this gave me the perfect opportunity," Sheila says.

Teams go up in groups of three. In quick succession, the Amazing Editors jump [*groan*] through the first three jumps. Robin, Riley and Oz complete their jump with utter manliness and receive the next clue. They are to return to Lauterbrunnen, pick up their cars, drive to Gruyères and find the Knight's Room at the Château St Germain.

More blipverting to Randy, Xander and Willow's jumps. This is a completely different group than before, full of stomach-churning trepidation and anticipation. Randy screams like a girl on the way down and some of his hairgel falls off cos next time we see him he's lost Billy Idol and is embracing Kurt Cobain. Rupert pats his son on the back and they read the part of the clue we don't know, that there's a Yield ahead.

Willow is very nervous as she steps up onto the breech. She asks the jump crew to triple check the chord and fasteners and questions them relentlessly. "How high is the jump and how long is the chord? How much will the chord stretch? What about the differences in people's weights, you're using the same chord. What's the risk of hitting myself on the bottom of cable car on the bounce up?" I want to tell her to chill, but if I were in the same position I'd do the same, probably further. Hell I'll be demanding to see a copy of the crew's insurance certificate. She doesn't scream like a girl, as she disengages the straps she does a backflip on the air mattress before getting a hug from Tara, I have no idea she can do that!

Xander puts on a brave face as he readies to jump. On the ground Anya is not much better, she seems to be near tears with worry, clinging onto Joyce and Tara for comfort. She screams louder than Xander when he does his jump.

Andrew, Flutie and finally Sheila take their turn. "This is stuff that dreams are made of," Andrew says with a grin as wide as the hellmouth as he hurls himself off, but doesn't have the grace of movement as he ends up in a tangle of limbs on the air mattress.

Flutie puts on a brave face. "I never said good-bye to my pigs," he sniffs as the crew gets him hooked up. What is he saying? He has an emotional connection to the pigs that he keeps on his farm? WTF?

Last to jump is Sheila. And also, in my opinion, the bravest. Seeing 8 people jump before her, having time to get completely scared shitless, then going up and taking off with a resolve, that's one strong lady.

"I'm sure I'll have language whiplash by the end of today, we go from Italian to German and now French roadsigns. I now know what an off-ramp is in 3 languages," Robin says as he drives towards Gruyères.

Faith asks him what's that and he asks her back what's what. She wants to know what an Exit sign is in 3 languages. "Uscita, ausgang and sortie," he replies smugly. A gold star for you, Robin Goodfellow, even though your pronunciation sucks.

Triumvirate One reach Gruyères, yet another picturesque car-free Swiss village, with one main street sloping up from the village entrance towards the medieval castle on a crag at the top. It really is extremely pretty, with a fountain and balconies full of flowers and ornate signs. How do the Swiss do it? I expect Heidi to show up any minute now, with her goats and the sounds of cowbells in the air.

But instead of Heidi I get Riley. He really is the Michael Schumacher of this TAR, with the aggressive driving and all. You know what I'd like to see some of? Buffy driving. May be she doesn't have a license. May be Golden Farmboy loves his phallic symbol too much to let her. Whatever.

Faith & Robin and Adam & Oz arrive.

The peace and quiet of the village is shattered as they stomp through the cobblestoned street. A great shot of a dog lifting his head from his napping position as he follows these stupid humans running crazily onto his territory, clearly up to no good. He yawns. What a smart doggie.

Up by the fountain is a honking green sign that says Yield. Phil takes the opportunity to tell us how the Yield works, like 3 in this Race, can only use it once but can be yielded more than once. They take turns stepping on the mat and making the completely cheesy declaration that they choose not to Yield anyone. Then they continue their peace- disturbing run up the village.

Riley confesses at a pitstop interview that because of the "misunderstanding" (and he uses his hands to indicate the quotation marks) between himself and Randy, he was tempted to use the Yield on Rupert & Randy, but decided to be professional and not use this for personal revenge. He then grins at the camera expecting some sort of acknowledgement of how big-hearted he is. I feel close to throwing up. It's fine if he doesn't want to turn this into a grudge match, but I get completely turned off by his self- satisfied grin.

At the cluebox they discover this is a Detour called Local or Exotic. In Local, you help the local cheesemaker in one aspect of the cheesemaking process. In Exotic, you go to the Giger museum next to the Château and assemble a robot.

Goldies choose the cheese, as do Team Efficiency. They race off towards the cheese factory at the bottom of the hill, and discover a clean, modern, fully automated facility. What? You expected Heidi churning the cheese by hand in wooden tubs? Tsk, tsk. While normally done by machines, in this Detour teams have to flip a dozen gruyere cheese wheels by hand, no small task considering each wheel is wider than an armspan and weighs over 80 pounds. Both make a good start, working together as a team. This is actually a golden opportunity to observe the two most physically fit teams at work. While Riley is taller than Robin, Robin doesn't seem to be losing out in the bulk factor. Similarly Buffy and Faith seem to even out.

TallShort has meanwhile entered the Giger museum. Remember when TAR went to the Catacombs in Paris and that set the creep-o-meter to maximum? The Giger museum RAISES THE BAR on creepiness, the fact that it's located at the pretty and quiet surroundings of a small mountain village adds to the spook factor.

Giger is this Swiss guy who designed the Alien, and won an Oscar for it. He creates worlds where people, aliens and machines are connected in grotesque and macabre ways and incorporates heavy sadomasochistic, sexual and horrific overtones to his paintings and sculptures, which are generally looming and large. I feel like his work comes from a place outside the imagination of a normal human brain.

The task in this part of the Detour is to assemble the alien from individual parts. The pieces are gruesome and you need to be very focused not to imagine a wet, menacing Mother Alien threatening you in the starring role as poor Ripley. It suits the stoic pair of Adam & Oz though. "Giger has a reputation in the music world, he designed the album cover for Debbie Harry's Koo Koo album, it's very dark and some people say disturbing. But it's just a model robot, we're not affected," says Adam.

Triumvirate Two arrive, they too choose not to Yield anyone. R.Randy chooses the cheese, "We think a physical task is better for us at this point," says Rupert. Lovebirds and Pirates choose the alien for their own reasons, "Man-handling 80lbs of cheese is too much for us," explains Anya. "We're good at puzzles and art," grins Willow.

When R.Randy arrive at the cheese factory, Efficiency and Goldies are neck in neck, having successfully turned over 3 wheels each. The Goldies are using brut strength, mostly Riley's, while Efficiency are using the shelves and floor as leverage, they finish the fourth slightly in front. Riley shoots Randy a dirty look as R.Randy get started.

TallShort alien construction camp. Oz is working on assembling the head while Adam works on the legs. Ah, rare banter! "Top 5 movie taglines," says Adam. Heh, a High Fidelity moment!

Oz ponders as he continues to put the robot head together. "In Space no one can hear you scream of course, which is fitting for this occasion. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. And taglines for sequels that follow the original, like They're Here and They're Back."

"Poltergeist, yes," Adam intones. "Though this started originally with Garbo Talks! and Garbo Laughs!. I went through a classics phase when I was in college."

"I'm partial to Every father's daughter is a virgin myself," Oz muses.

"Which one is that?"

"Goodbye Columbus."

"You're a sensitive guy, Oz."

"Huh." From the guy who once played a young Woody Allen, I dare say sensitive is, well, fitting.

They finish the monstrosity and get the next clue, which tells them to make their way to Zermatt, the Pitstop for this leg of the Race. My goodness we're doing a Switzerland is soooo Beautiful tour, can it be that the Amazing Producers are preparing teams for, gasp, hardship, ahead? I mean, Zermatt, dude, the Matterhorn.

As they drive off, Triumvirate Three arrive. AAbot, naturally, goes for Exotic, as do the Moms and Principals, even though everyone in that group whose name isn't Andrew make a face when they see the interior of the museum. Andrew himself is almost peeing in his pants when he sees the alien, "Oh my god, first a James Bond adventure, now it's Alien, this is my utopia," he sighs dreamily. Feels like famous last words, don't they?

Back at the cheese factory, Team Efficiency finish the last wheel, looking like they've run a marathon. They get the clue and the relieved look on Faith's face when she learns it's a Pitstop, I feel for her. Of course, she is all sweaty and flushed in a tight tank top and…I just went to another place.

Goldies finish, Riley roars. Is that for a task finished or directed towards Randy? He's possessive alright, that Farmboy. "I admit I want to get to know Buffy better, she's a nice girl and deserves more than Captain Cardboard," Randy confesses. "I know this is wrong, but I can't help it," he sighs. I'd offer him an ounce of sympathy, if I'm vaguely convinced he's better for her than Riley, but he isn't, so he gets nothing from me.

Back at the robot construction facility, Lovebirds slot the last piece into place and are off, with a little wave to the Pirates. "I can't imagine what's in the mind of someone who created this, I know I certainly can't," Tara comments. "I'm just happy we're not last, but there's still more driving to come, we have to be careful honey," Willow adds.

Xander & Anya don't seem to be doing too badly. "It's just like building a prefab house," he says to his wife. In the other corner, Andrew still has a ridiculous grin as he fits the pieces in easily, he's so twelve. April does pretty much nothing, but when they finish I see that the Moms' and Principals' robots aren't even halfway done. I've dissed AAbot from the beginning, at last they're showing a little ability.

Snyder snarls at the model. "If I see something like this at my school, it's straight to detention, it's disgusting." Flutie rebukes that it could be educational, teaching kids to put models together, it helps their puzzle-solving skills. Snyder waves his hand off-handedly at this, clearly not agreeing. STFU, Snyder.

The Moms are totally struggling. "This is too much, I don't know which part is which," they groan.

Over at the cheese factory, R.Randy finishes.

We're in Efficiency's car. They seem to have stopped at a waiting area full of cars and trucks. "We looked at the map and there's a shortcut through the mountains, even though it's a smaller road. We saw the tunnel on the map but didn't realize it's a car-train, I've never seen anything like it," Robin explains.

They're at the Kandersteg-Goppenstein car-train tunnel, yet another Swiss engineering wonder, where you drive your car onto open wagons of a train and it whizzes you through a tunnel over 9 miles long to the other side of the mountains. Is there anything those Swiss can't do? The ride itself is eerie, as you sit in almost complete darkness inside your own car, with just the sounds of the train chugging and the wind coming through your windows. Robin does what every person in that situation will do, he stretches out his hands and amusingly proclaims that he can't see his fingers. You can almost see his grin. Well, it's 15 minutes of smooching time with your girlfriend, bro, make good use of it.

Goldies and TallShort seem to have taken the long way and are stuck in traffic. "We're heading towards Visp, where we'll have to change to a train for Zermatt, but now we're in Montreux and there seems to be some sort of festival going on," Buffy says, looking frustrated.

We cut to an equally frustrated Joyce & Sheila. The oh my god's that proliferate from their mouths like some sort of swear words. "I wish I had a son, do your daughters ever play with monsters or models because mine didn't," Sheila says to Joyce. They look forlorn, and even more so when the Principals finish. "I never want to see anything like this ever again," Snyder says angrily.

Lovebirds and Pirate cars get onto the car-train. AAbot, on the other hand, are at the side of the road, trying to make sense of the map. "I don't think these two roads connect," Andrew whispers. "See here? The road carries on towards the left, and that line on the right belongs to another road. The car can't jump between non-connecting roads, Babe."

"Oh," says April. I think April, who I presume is navigating, made a common mistake. Her eyes roamed over two small roads and made a connection between them that doesn't exist, maps are 2-dimensional, and it's sometimes hard to "read" it properly to discern the actual conditions. Another example of how this team is not up to scratch as racers, I continue to marvel at their continual survival.

Efficiency get on a train with large windows and are excited at going to Zermatt. "I can't believe we're still in Switzerland," says Faith. "I've never seen such a beautiful and efficient country." She says the name of her team!

They disembark at yet another car-free village in search of the Church Square. Phil is waiting there with a grizzly mountaineer, he does his Point Over Yonder act again. "Welcome to Zermatt!" the grizzly mountaineer booms.

Team Efficiency, you're team number one, and have won a spa retreat holiday. They grin at the grizzly mountaineer, then at Phil, then at each other. Completely deserving too, don't think they put a foot wrong today. I don't usually bet more than $1 on anything, but I'm willing to put in a bigger stake, these two are my hot favorites to win.

Goldies and TallShort seem to have shrugged off the traffic, they're the next teams to arrive, the sight of the Amazing Bathmat in front of a church stirs something undefinable inside my one and only religious cell. Welcome, teams number two and three.

The Moms finish, looking totally beaten. "Let's hope someone had a puncture," Sheila says. "Or an aneurysm," says Joyce. Oh, first sign of nastiness, Joyce-Mom. Too little too late.

Lovebirds and Pirates arrive as a group. I think they deliberately drive the whole way together, after last leg's disaster the Lovebirds probably want to hang onto another team. They step on the bathmat all holding hands and are checked in as teams number four. "We've formed an alliance with Willow and Tara, we get along well and we want to work together to get ahead of the other teams. Our aim is to go into the final three together and I think we have a good chance of that," Anya interviews.

R.Randy step on the bathmat as team number six. I keep thinking they ought to do better, their relationship with each other seems to be improving, although Randy's tussle with Riley and his attention on Buffy is dragging them back. Get over it, Randy.

AAbot run up to Phil. "Give it to us," Andrew pants. Phil asks them how they think they're doing and they tell him they got lost in the mountains and are willing to live with the outcome. Phil tells them that they're team number seven and they're like, get out of here. "We're struggling, I don't know how we can do better," April says. Okay team, this is the highest placing you've reached, but seven is not your lucky number. You'll have to pull a miracle out of a hat to have a chance at the final three.

Principals on the train towards Zermatt, looking like the Irritable Brothers. They're arguing about whether they should have parked at Visp or Täsch, with Snyder again berating Flutie for making him drive all the way up a narrow winding road when they could have taken the train. "We're not last, Joyce & Shelia were nowhere near finishing when we left, we're safe. Why are you yelling at me like this, I don't like it when you yell at me all the time," Flutie whines. If you don't want your team-mate to yell at you all the time, get a backbone, Flutie. Snyder impatiently says that every minute counts when they leave in the morning, it can be the difference between getting on or missing a train. He has a point, but not the way to treat your team-mate, old man. They're not talking to each other when they step on the mat as team number eight.

It's almost sundown when the Moms arrive, they have hardly any energy or emotion to hear themselves Philminated. Killer Fatigue strikes again! "We proud of our achievement, our children will think so too," Joyce says.

If I think about it, team distribution at the end depended largely on one event, the 3/4 mile run at Mürren between the train station and the cable car. The enforced bunching into 3 separate groups pretty much sealed the fate of the last 3 teams. There weren't sufficient chances later in the leg to catch up. Andrew's skills at robot assembly moved him up one position but they lost it when they took the wrong turn. I don't like this type of bunching, it doesn't make for good TV, let's hope the Amazing Producers do better, there's an Emmy at stake here you know.

Teaser for Episode 6

Next episode, money seems to be an issue.

"They charged you $100 for a visa?" asks Faith.

"Are you kidding me? You're charging me 20 times what it's worth," Anya exclaims.

And teams face a big challenge.

"Oh my god I need a hospital," says April.

A yellow clue envelope lie on the ground while other people trample on it.

Useful links & information

Bernese Oberland:
Sherlock Holmes Museum and Statue

Fribourg:
Château St Germain, Gruyères
La Maison du Gruyere cheese factory
HR Giger Museum

Valais:
Kandersteg

EPISODE FIVE EXTRA:
MAT CHAT WITH PHIL

After we stepped off the mat and checked in with Ashley, she asked us to stay behind for an interview with Phil.

"We want to do a longer clip, not only about the leg but your thoughts in general," she said.

We were tired, after waking up at an inhuman time and racing all day, but Phil was always nice, he didn't come across as full of himself just because he was a tv personality. He endeared himself to us, and me in particular, when he came up to ask how we were after we came last in Bellinzona. "Not to mention he's hot," Willow would say to tease me. After 10 days of being in each other's company 24/7, we'd already gotten comfortable with teasing. I would have been extremely anxious and insecure, before, if she came out with something like that. All the thoughts about whether she was really interested in me, or if she was going to head back to boystown one day.

"You want just me and Xander, or all four of us," Anya's question shook me out of my private thoughts. I reached out to link my arm through Willow's.

"Why don't we have you all," Ashley replied. "I'll let you freshen up first, we'll start in 20 minutes, is that enough time?"

We nodded, used to working quickly now.

Twenty minutes later we settled into comfortable chairs, sipping tea in the garden of a beautiful hotel in a beautiful Swiss village, with the most famous mountain in Switzerland as our backdrop. It felt like a vacation.

"So how are you finding the race, Willow?" Phil asked.

"We're happy not to be last anymore, we were lucky with the non-Elim but haven't made any mistakes this leg," she answered, quite diplomatically I thought.

"How did you manage to get yourselves out the situation you found yourselves in at the end of last leg? You started this leg with even more money than the others," he said, smiling.

"We went into town and had quite a successful begging spree," she winced at the memory. It hurt her pride a lot, having to ask strangers for money. "But then people started paying for Tara's portrait drawings and we had a pretty good run."

Phil turned to me. "That was inspired, where did you get the idea of doing portraits?"

"Well Phil, drawing and painting are very natural to me, and there were a group of children there that morning doing the same. They let me join in and borrow their stuff, it was great of them," I answered.

"I like the sketches, you have a lot of talent," he praised. I blushed.

"May be you can draw for us too. I'll pay good money for it," Anya interrupted. At our looks, "Seriously!"

"What would you have done?" Phil asked Anya and Xander.

"Probably just the begging," Xander shrugged. "It's not like I can build a wooden cabinet or Anya can do someone's taxes in such a short time."

"You know, like in Charlie Brown, you can knock together a little booth and Anya can sit behind it and there'll be a sign that says 'The Tax Accountant is in'," Willow joked. We all laughed.

"You guys seem to have developed a friendship, how does that help you in the Race?" Phil asked.

"We've formed an alliance with Willow and Tara, we get along well and we want to work together to get ahead of the other teams. Our aim is to go into the final three together and I think we have a good chance of that, right?" Anya said, turning to us.

"Definitely, we don't want to be clique-y to the extent of alienating the other teams, but we have a comfortable partnership that seems to be working to our benefit," Willow explained.

"Tell me about your motivation for coming on the Amazing Race," Phil posed.

Xander and Anya went first. "For the past few years, since I came out of construction, we've been working our butts off building the business, we haven't had a lot of time to spend together. And it got to a stage where we felt like we're more business partners than, well, bed partners," Xander started.

"When we eventually have children, we'll have even less time, so this is a great opportunity to re-affirm our relationship," Anya added. "That, and to win the million dollars, of course."

"What will you do with the million, if you win?" Phil asked.

"You know, after taxes, you're not left with a lot, at least not enough to retire. We'll probably pay off our debts, inject some into the business and save the rest for the kids' college fund."

"What about you ladies?" Phil asked us.

"Don't really know, upgrade my computers, buy some start-of-the-art equipment, invest in some software startups," Willow said.

"Fly first class," I said simply. Willow smiled and took my hand, she knew what I was talking about.

Phil noticed the gesture too. "How has the Race affected your relationship?"

We paused and looked at each other before replying. "We feel very close, this is the longest we've spent together and although it hasn't exactly been relaxing, I'm amazed at how easily we slot in together-" Willow trailed off and smirked at me. After last night I knew exactly what she meant by 'slot in together', I smirked back.

"Yes we're thinking and acting as one unit. Of course we've worked on projects together before, but this time it feels like a real partnership, that we are connected, as a couple," I smiled. "And the people in the Race have been very accepting, which is a bonus."

"Pfff, what do you take us for? Christian Identity followers who can't tolerate the idea of accepting people who are different from them? They have more than a screw wrong in their heads," Anya said rather vehemently. "Love is love, why are people so hung up about who other people love?"

"May be they're not secure enough in their own lives and relationships," I said.

"May be they're not getting any so they get jealous," Xander snickered.

Phil quickly intervened to get the interview back to PG-13. "How do you feel about your relationship being so out in the open? How total strangers can see all and pass judgment, whether you like it or not?"

"It was only after we got through to the short-list did it fully hit us, if we do well on the Race, we'll be targeted by the media. It was scary at first, cos none of my family know about our relationship. Willow was the one who came through for me," I said.

"I nagged and nagged and nagged," she grinned. Actually it took her a great deal of gentle persuasion, coaxing and one surprise visit at a vulnerable moment to convince me. I'd just heard some bad news and was feeling down, we talked until the small hours one night, only hanging up when we started becoming incoherent. Imagine my surprise when she showed up at my doorstep the following afternoon, she took a 6am flight to get to Birmingham, after being up till 4am. How could I not fall in love with her even more?

If we weren't in the company of eight other people and in front of the cameras, I would have grabbed her and showed the extent of my appreciation there and then. I made do with squeezing her arm.

"You did a good job, no amount of nagging from my wife would have convinced me to come on the race," Phil said.

We looked at him curiously. "Why not?" Xander asked the obvious question.

"It's too hard, physically and mentally. I have so much admiration for all racers, but no, I'd never do it myself," Phil answered.

"Do you have a favorite team, Phil?" Anya asked.

"Oh, I don't want to show favoritism, plus each season is different, the team dynamics change from season to season," Phil answered tactfully. "I just want to wish you guys the best of luck, you've done well so far. Even if you don't win, consider yourselves as having gone on a one in a lifetime adventure."

And with that, the interview wrapped up.

Of course I could tell you how I showed Will my appreciation that night, but a girl needs to have some secrets, so I'll leave it up to your imagination :).

Episode Recap

Sweet but boring horn music brings us to Switzerland, the land of mountains, skiing, cheeses and tunnels. It is also the Pitstop for the latest leg of a race around the world.

Speaking of cheeses, what do we see teams eating but…fondue? Back home, giving a fondue party is so…1970s, but here in Switzerland it seems to be a fairly normal affair. Of course, when you're dipping your farmfresh bread into real gruyere cheese rather than a godawful concoction of Velveeta and dried onion soup mix it's so much more appealing. [*not difficult. I mean, Velveeta, ewww.*]

Looking at the start times, it appears that the last leg took almost exactly 12 hours, which seeing that we're in Switzerland, aka the Land of the Punctual, is kinda karmic.

Phil wonders if Faith & Robin can continue to lead the pack, and if Randy and Riley's personal problems will scupper their teams' chances. Can Snyder & Flutie, the oldest team left on the race, overcome their last place finish?

4.57am. Team Efficiency get going. The clue tells them to make their way to Geneva and find out the full names of a list of organizations whose abbreviations are given on a piece of paper. They are to hand it to the ICRC Museum for verification and the next clue. I'm so distracted by the sight of the Amazing Hands that I only catch a couple, but cbs.com helpfully has a nice animated version that fades in and out with the answers:

• UNITAR
• WIPO
• WMO
• ITU
• UNHCHR
• UNCTAD
• ICRC

5.15am. Goldies. Did they, like, forget they have to do personal hygiene or something? Cos, Riley's sporting a decidedly Sonny Crockett look, while Buffy's hair definitely need some Herbal Essence intervention. A little voice tells me that somebody overslept.

5.17am. TallShort. Looking better than the team before them. They count out the money for this leg, they have $269, that's a lot of money, are they going to, like, make a deposit at one of those Swiss banks?

The first three teams board one of these ultra-modern double-decker Swiss trains. Buffy explains that they're on the 0530 and the next train is at 0608, so they're happy with the small lead they have. On her left, Faith scowls, probably not happy at losing their advantage.

5.49am. Pirates and Lovebirds together, looking terribly lovey-dovey as they run off in the direction of the station. Willow voices over that they know they have to get a train out of Zermatt, seeing it's car-free and all, so they bought tickets for Visp last night, knowing they have to get at least that far. "It was CHF 32 each, Xander & Anya had enough money, but Tara and I had to do a little begging, there wasn't enough time to set up another portrait studio, according to the timetable we'll be quite rushed if we wanted to catch the 0608," she grins. No more rojak clothing for them, they're actually wearing matching striped T-shirts I haven't seen before, similar pattern but different enough so you don't feel like they're wearing 'couple' outfits. You know, I sort of miss the color explosion.

6.11am. Randy rips open the clue on behalf of his team and promptly drops it. His father says something about shaking hands, "It was a tiring day yesterday, especially with the physical challenge at the end, my muscles are definitely feeling their age," says Rupert. Well, you could have gone for the less physically, but definitely aesthetically challenging, Put-the-Alien-Together Detour. Also, I saw the preview, can this be the anvilicious foreshadowing about the clue on the ground or shameless misdirection?

6.33am. AAbot, looking like they're entering a Spot-the-Droopy contest. C'mon, it's still the beginning of the leg, KF doesn't hit till the middle or the end, don't ruin the routine, okay?

7.12am. That's a big gap. The Principals voice-over that they have decided to work together better as a team, to leave aside the differences in personality and to concentrate on running a good race. Now you guys decide to be a team? When you're in last place and more than half an hour behind the team in front of you? Sheesh, gimme a break.

Thing is, the God of Sympathy Towards Annoying Pricks and Their Passive- Aggressive Cohorts gets out of his bathtub and gives them a break, because next thing we see? The last three teams getting on the 0730 train together. Just great. Spoil my day, will ya?

The Amazing Yellow Lines make their way across the bottom left-hand corner of Switzerland and into Geneva. In the first train, Riley and Adam, fulfilling my HoYay! fantasy that started last leg, huddle together to puzzle over the clue. Not sure about the application of the others though. "I can't get the alphabet soup to stop wriggling all over the page, I'm getting a coffee," Faith announces. She's joined by Robin and Buffy.

I like this clue as much as I like any clue that's not spoon-fed. In other words, it's better than spoon-fed clues but is basically the lesser of two evils. My problem with it is, I don't see why the Amazing Producers choose to give the clue to the racers so early, to allow them the opportunity to find the answers. I think someone smart and technologically savvy, like Willow for instance, will find a way to figure out the abbreviations before they even get into Geneva.

Which, guess what, is exactly what our junior Einstein is doing, having begged or borrowed a hapless businessman's cellphone. "Who's she calling?" Anya is asking Tara.

Tara shrugs. "Someone in Japan, but somehow she's using a local Swiss number. Don't ask her to explain, you'll never understand the answer," she says as she smiles adoringly at her girlfriend. When do we start having Phone-a-Friend lifelines on TAR? All of a sudden I feel I'm on the wrong show, and Regis the Conductor was gonna come round the train checking our tickets. At least everyone wants to be a millionaire.

Oh my god. Willow is grinning like the cat that ate a whole plate of cream (or is it just Tara?) as she starts writing down the names of the organizations. She thanks the person on the other end of the phone and profusely thanks the guy who let her borrow his phone. That guy looks completely smitten, I don't have the heart to tell him that the object of his lust is a) already taken; b) too concerned with running a race and c) not interested in his type (read, gender) at all. Poor Swiss businessman guy.

"It's pretty obvious. Geneva, lots of abbreviations starting with U and W, must be the UN. So I called the UN. It's too early in Geneva and too late in New York, but I got patched through to the UN University in Tokyo and someone gave me the answers," she explains enthusiastically.

Is she allowed to do that? I think so. The clue says find the full names of a list of abbreviations, it never says how. Presumably they can ask around, go to the library, or use the internet. By calling up the UN itself, Willow hasn't done anything wrong at all. I'm just flabbergasted the other teams haven't thought of something similar.

Geneva train station. Efficiency / Goldies / TallShort. They jump into taxis and show the clue to the taxi driver. That's the strategy you've spent 4 hours devising? Perish forbid. The drivers understand though, and the Goldies' one even helpfully tells them they want the Palais de Nations, where the UN is based.

TallShort's driver brings them to the Place de Nations, and the first thing they see is a gigantic chair, with one of legs torn off. It's a powerful symbol, one constructed to bring home the devastation brought about by landmines, the broken part is several times taller than Adam, which says a lot. They decide that the best bet to find out more about their clue is inside the UN, and that's another impressive sight, walking along a path lined with national flags.

Efficiency finally arrive and look around the square. They deduce correctly that the abbreviations have something to do with the UN and they're off to the UN library.

They have an hour before the Lovey-dovey Alliance arrives, and we know they already know the answers. It's going to be interesting.

In the last train, teams are spread out, each at their own perches. April seems to be suffering from travel sickness, a clearly concerned but clueless Andrew keeps bringing her water.

Randy has from somewhere conjured up a map of Geneva, and father & son decide a visit to the tourist office is prudent, considering it's only a short walk from the train station. We spy Andrew, returning from one of his water excursions, eavesdropping on the R.Randy conversation.

Principals are reading through a guidebook, they look quite smug. "This guidebook was a great investment, it told us what 3 of the abbreviations are, and we think we know where to get the rest," Flutie comments. Great, just great.

A little tension music as the Pirate / Lovebirds train arrives and they immediately get taxis to the Red Cross Museum. To be politically correct, it's the International Red Cross & Red Crescent Museum but I'm going to take liberties and abbreviate it.

Goldies and Efficiency seem to be lost in the corridors of power, finally they are directed to the library.

TallShort are already there, and finish quickly. They are the first team to the Red Cross museum and receive their next clue. In it, they are told to go to the country whose flag they have in their hand and find a statue located at the capital city, whose picture they also have. "We're at the UN, it should be easy to find a country flag," says Adam. Heh, more non-spoon fed clues, yay!

Goldies finish and head off towards the Red Cross museum. They're told one of their answers is incorrect and they have to come back with the correct one. They peruse the list carefully and are a little lost, clearly thinking they have all the answers. They have no choice but to return to the UN library. "More going through metal detectors and bag searches," Buffy groans. "Hope the line is shorter," Riley puffs beside her.

On their way they meet up with Efficiency, going the opposite way. "You sure we got ours right?" asks Faith. "Yeah, I'm sure," says Robin. And he is right, they are the second team to receive the clue. "I think it's Nigeria or Kenya. Or Burkina Faso. I'm sure it's an African country," Robin states. Um, duh, dude. They ask at the Red Cross museum, saving the trip back to the UN Library.

Meanwhile Pirates and Lovebirds arrive at said Red Cross museum. "How come they got here so quickly?" Faith wonders. In an interview, she elaborates, "We knew we were at least half a hour ahead of the next teams, and it turned out they found out about the abbreviations on the train, so they skipped a whole step."

"Man, I wish we could have thought of that," Robin says, openly admiring Willow's brilliance.

They find out it's the flag of Kenya and the statue is that of Jomo Kenyatta, Kenya's first President after gaining independence. Wow, the people at the Red Cross museum sure know their flags and statues.

All three teams jump on taxis and head towards the airport.

Goldies find out they've mistaken the UN High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR) for the Commissioner for Human Rights (UNHCHR). What a big difference one letter makes. They get their next clue.

Principals / R.Randy / AAbot train. Principals immediately get into a taxi and Snyder tells the driver to head towards the Place de Nations, quickly because they are in a race. I'm all prepared to snark at him for mis-pronouncing Place de Nations, cos I'm all about Snyder-hate right now, but he's a principal afterall, and he does it more or less correctly.

R.Randy go to the tourist office, followed by AAbot. April still looks under the weather, I wonder if it's the cheese, or crisp mountain air, or exposure to gruesome alien parts. They get directions to the UN Library.

Where the Principals are at. "It's like a busman's holiday," Flutie comments. He is clearly in awe of the surroundings. The last two teams arrive shortly afterwards. Now, I'm pretty sure there are other places in Geneva to solve the clue, the fact that they've all been directed to the UN Library is too much of a co-incidence to me. Seeding by the Amazing Producers much?

The educators solve the puzzle first and get the clue. Flutie recognizes the Kenyan flag, as a teacher might, and they trek off to the airport.

At the airport, TallShort at the Swiss International Airlines counter. They are just in time for the 1100 flight to Paris, connecting to Amsterdam then to Nairobi, arriving at 6am. They have to run fast to the gate though.

Efficiency, Pirates and Lovebirds arrive at the airport and start to work the counters. They can't make the 1100, but can get on the 1155 to London to another connecting flight that gets them to Amsterdam in time to catch the same KLM flight to Nairobi. In fact, the Amsterdam to Nairobi flight leaves at 2040, meaning all teams will have time to get on it. What does that mean? Bunching, of course. Plus we're going to Africa, land of the spoon- fed charter flights, I'm fed up with spoon feeding, I tell ya.

They have half an hour to kill, Anya decides to nose around the other counters. She finds out that they can get a 1310 to Rome, then connect to Addis Ababa on Ethiopia Air to get to Nairobi at 0500, an hour before the KLM flight.

Anya pulls Xander aside and they have a heated debate on whether to tell Willow & Tara. Xander thinks they should, because they owe them one for the abbreviation clue, but Anya is not too keen, cos, well, they're in a RAAACE. "What about Faith & Robin?" she points out. They're too strong, she doesn't want to lose any advantage to them. Is she saying Willow & Tara are weak? I don't think so, I just think this is a case of Pirates thinking that on say, a footrace, they will never be able to beat Faith & Robin, but have a better chance against the girls.

In the end Xander wins the argument, I get the feeling this is not a common occurrence. Anya grabs Tara off to the bathroom. Tara frowns, but after coming out of the bathroom, tells Anya to go back to the group, walks over to the counter herself and changes the tickets. "I feel bad about not telling Faith & Robin, but they are a strong team and Anya tells me she's not telling them about the other flight," she says as she pockets their new tickets.

When she gets back to Willow, she takes her girlfriend's hand and they ostensibly go for a walk around the terminal. Perhaps it's a case of half pretense, half spending time together, that's my wishful thinking.

Faith & Robin get on the 1155 flight early, which makes it easy for the other two teams to no-show. "We know we'll all get bunched at Amsterdam, but we got seats at the front of the plane anyway, it doesn't hurt to get into practice with this," Robin says, a little smugly.

Faith is looking around, trying to spot the others, and when the door closes, she starts smelling a rat. "Did they get another flight?" she turns to her partner. Robin looks irritated. "*Beep* (though I can see him mouthing "shit"), we didn't check thoroughly enough, they must have. But what good will that do? The only flight to Nairobi is the 8.40pm from Amsterdam," he groans.

Goldies arrive at the Swiss Airlines counter, it's 11.45am. Ten minutes to spare. But the gate's already closed. No amount of begging will get them onto the flight. They are told the next flight is the 1345 via Zurich that connects to the Amsterdam flight. Why isn't anyone told about the Rome/Addis Ababa flight? Is it because it's with Ethiopia Air and they don't have a strong relationship? Or may be the ticket agent has a mental block about Rome or Addis Ababa? It's so strange.

R.Randy and AAbot, back in the city, finish their abbreviation and flag identification tasks. At the airport, they are sold tickets on the 1345 via Zurich and Amsterdam. What's wrong with Addis Ababa?

Pirates and Lovebirds board the Rome flight. "We hid behind pillars until boarding, we were so afraid the remaining teams will see us. Surprised that no other teams came through, we think they're all on the way to Amsterdam," says Xander, who looks a little self-satisfied.

For the second time in an episode the Amazing Yellow Lines make an appearance and Phil tells us it's 3,800 miles from Geneva to Nairobi. It's late afternoon, 1615, when the Lovey-dovey Alliance board the Ethiopian Air flight in Rome, just when Efficiency arrive at Amsterdam.

As more teams arrive at Amsterdam, we see Faith & Robin, in particular, looking more and more disappointed. Yep, bunching can do that to you. But the big question on everyone's lips is, "Where are Xander, Anya, Willow and Tara?"

"Jambo!" The traditional greeting meets our first two teams into Nairobi. It's 5.30am but the airport is full of people already, mainly drivers touting for fares. Anya looks uncomfortable as she is confronted by the mob, but she and Xander manage to get into a decent taxi.

Willow & Tara try the age-old tactic of smiling a lot and also hop into a taxi for the Jomo Kenyatta statue. They ask their driver how long the drive is, in broken English he replies, 30 minutes. He keeps smiling all the time, we get eyefuls of his white teeth. Quick, get the executives of Crest on the phone, stat!

Lovebirds arrive at the statue first and retrieve the clue. It's a Fast Forward. Phil explains that this is only one of two Fast Forwards on the entire Race, only one can be used per leg and teams who complete the FF can skip all tasks and go directly to the Pitstop. In this FF, they travel approximately 5 miles to the Nairobi Animal Orphanage and feed a baby leopard.

"We're first, and how can we pass up this opportunity?" Willow asks Tara.

They worry for a second about Xander & Anya but upon seeing a taxi, jump inside and off they go to feed dangerous big cats.

Pirates arrive a little later and see that the next clue is a Detour. In this Detour, they have to choose between Buy & Sell and Find & Tell. In Buy & Sell they make their way to the City Market, buy local handicrafts and take them to a nearby craft shop to re-sell them. They will get their next clue when their profit exceeds 1000 Kenyan Shillings (around $13). In Find & Tell, they go to the Stanley Hotel and locate yellow and red messages pinned on the trunk of the large acacia tree at the hotel entrance. They are to take one message and follow the instructions inside.

They decide to do market. "I love the smell of money in the morning," Anya is almost gleefully rubbing her hands.

6.42am. The KLM flight wobbles, then lands. Teams charge out to the terminal to be greeted by a horrendous line at the Immigration counter. They are mixed in with backpackers and a large contingent of Taiwanese tourists. There's pushing. And shoving. And yelling. And my eyes see spots.

Faith & Robin attract the attention of an official looking…official. Robin takes up the story, "We were all lining up to go through the formalities, there were a lot of people. Then an official tapped me on the shoulder and we followed him past a prayer room and a couple of sleeping rooms, and then it was another corner of the airport with very few people at the counters. At first we thought we were in trouble but it turned out it was another area where fewer planes have landed. We got through very quickly."

The other teams are still stuck in the scrum as Efficiency get into their taxi. Wow, talk about good luck. They get the clue at the statue and decide to go for market also.

AAbot arrive at the statue, decide on for the message and quickly make their way to the Stanley hotel, which is brimming with colonial atmosphere, down to the pith helmeted doorman. They pluck one message off the tree, it tells them to bring the message to George Wanjala Odhiambo at the African Art and Antiques, Prudential Building, Wabera Street. They ask the concierge for a street map.

Phil tells us that leaving messages pinned on the trunk of the thorn tree at the Stanley has been a tradition for decades. People still use this method of communication although it has largely been replaced by the internet terminals inside the aptly named Thorn Tree Café. One feature of Nairobi streets is that there are only building names, but not street numbers. So on a street that is quite long such as Kenyatta Avenue, it can take a while to figure out where a particular building is.

They get directions to Wabera Street, which turns out to be only a couple of blocks away. They find the African Art and Antiques, and locate the man they are looking for. He gives them the next message, to be delivered to another person at the Standard Chartered Bank, Moi Avenue. Ooh! One of those wild goose chase clues, like you unwrap the packaging on a gift box to find more packaging, and you don't know when you will get to the end. Sweet.

Efficiency run into the Pirates at the market, the stalls are just starting. "What happened to you?" Faith asks.

"We went through Ethiopia," says Xander. "Where are the other teams?"

"Probably still at the airport, I don't know why but we got waved through," says Robin.

"Ah, may be they haven't paid the bribe," Anya speculates.

"No one asked us for any money," Robin says.

"What? We had to fork out $100. For visa, they said," Anya exclaims indignantly.

"They charged you $100 for a visa?" asks Faith.

"No, $50 each, and we thought that was daylight robbery," Anya says, still indignant.

Before Faith can reply, they are approached by a group of Kenyan women carrying a collection of carvings and trinkets. They start bargaining.

Principals, Goldies and R.Randy get the clue at the statue, they pick Buy & Sell. Finally TallShort make it, they pick Find & Tell.

Anya seems to be doing best at bargaining with the stallholders. She shows interest in one article, then switch to another. At one stage of the bargaining process, she gets ready to walk away. "Are you kidding me? You're charging me 20 times what it's worth," she exclaims. The stallholder begs for her to return. Working steadily, she buys a couple of elephant carvings, a mask and a candle holder.

Faith & Robin are too easily embarrassed, they don't seem to bargain as hard, they seem to be concentrating on purchasing textiles – blankets and scarves of deep red Masai color. Goldies are capitalizing on Buffy's charms and they spend a lot of time at one stall, emerging with armfuls of necklaces, bracelets and statuettes. Surprisingly, Rupert turns out to be a master bargainer, even the women at the market laugh nervously.

The Principals, on the other hand, are not getting anywhere, all they know how to do are hand gestures of numbers. They're getting clobbered by the crafty Kenyan marketholders. Snyder is so frustrated he is red as a beetroot and seems like he's ready to throw all the stuff in front of him on the ground and stomp all over them.

Pirates are at the craft shop and they make 1100 shillings. Anya does the dance of joyous capitalism and they receive their next clue, to make their way to the Carnivore restaurant at the edge of town. Hmmm, eating challenge!

Efficiency has a profit of 850 shillings, they have to go back to buy more stuff. Goldies' profit is 780 shillings, they can't quite believe it and try to bargain with the shopkeeper. It works, to some degree, he gives them 800 shillings. Okay, so much humiliation for just a quarter, sheesh.

R.Randy has 1050 shillings, they get their clue and are happy. "I never realized my Dad can be such a fox, wow," says Randy. Fox? He calls his father a fox? Does he, like, have a screw loose or what?

Principals bring their wares to the shopkeeper, they get 200 shillings. How pitiful. "Let's change to the other task, this will take forever," Flutie says. Surprisingly Snyder agrees. They abandon their goods and head off towards the Stanley Hotel.

Somewhere else, AAbot find their third person, but it's not the end. They are told to deliver another message to someone at an Italian restaurant on Mama Ngina St, they look disgusted. TallShort are at their second stop, trudge, trudge, trudge.

Inside the Pirates taxicab, Anya is frantically looking through the Amazing Bum Bag. "What's up?" asks Xander.

"I can't find the clue, do you have the clue?" Anya wails.

"I thought you have the clue, you have the Race bag," Xander answers, not unreasonably.

"I don't have the clue, what did you do with it? You ripped it!" Anya's voice goes up a pitch.

Xander looks inside his bags and coat. Nope. No clue.

At the market, a yellow clue envelope lie on the ground while other people trample on it.

Meanwhile Efficiency get their 1000 shilling total and run outside to hail a taxi. Goldies are hot on their tail.

AAbot go to the Italian restaurant, find their person and are told to go find another person at the Danish Consulate at Koinange Street. They are utterly dejected. "We walked round and round the same 3-block area I don't know how many times. It was like go to this person, get the message, go to another person, get another message. I started wondering if we picked the right Detour," Andrew interviews.

Pirates return to the market and Anya is screaming and yelling for people to get out of her way as she desperately searches for the clue. "We know we'd lost the clue, and from races before we also know if we don't have the clue we can't complete the leg, so it was a matter of cutting our losses and going back to look for it," Xander explains.

Incredibly when AAbot hand the message to the person in the Danish Consulate they finally get the clue. April breaks out into a little smile, then grimaces. Oh, the travel sickness is still there.

TallShort finish also, but where are the Principals?

Pirates go back to the stall where Anya made such a huge impression. Their clue has been picked up and the stallholder gives it back to them. Phew! They give him 100 shilling as reward.

Okay, where in Nairobi are the Principals?

The Nairobi Animal Orphanage, located inside the Nairobi National Park, is part an education initiative to allow visitors to learn more, and interact with, animals normally found in the wild. It attracts more than 200,000 visitors a year and at any time will be caring for animals such as chimpanzees, lions, impalas, zebras, countless birds, and of course the baby leopard our Fast Forwarders is to help feed.

Lovebirds are in awe. "This is so beautiful," they swoon when they enter the grounds.

Visitors are usually not allowed such close contact with the animals, but they are in good hands as the vet in charge gears them up for the feeding. The first thing he does is to warn them that although the cats look cute and don't have fully grown claws yet, they are nevertheless still wild animals and not pets. Playing with a baby big cat is nothing like playing with a kitten.

After putting the fear of god in them he asks them to put on overalls. Then it's off to the feeding.

"Oh my god, it was so incredible. The vet held the baby leopard in his lap and we took turns feeding him milk from a bottle, it was just like feeding a baby," Willow interviews.

"He'd make these cute gurgling noises as he drank the milk, then he'd purr so loudly," Tara added.

After the bottle's finished the vet tells the girls that it's time for burping. Yes, even baby leopards have to be burped after they have their milk! He rolls him over on his lap and they stroke his back gently for a few minutes until he actually burps. A loud and liquid sounding burp that sounds like he's about to puke the milk up, but he doesn't.

They continue stroking until he falls asleep, I can see they don't want to leave. I'm watching this on tv and I feel touched.

The vet eventually takes the sleeping cub inside. Tara has tears in her eyes as she says good-bye to the baby leopard, Willow has her arms around her partner and I'm touched again. I can't think of anything snarky to say about this moment, I must be getting soft in my old age.

The vet returns with the clue, and we're back to the reality of the RAAACE. They are to make their way to the Karen Blixen Museum, the Pitstop for this leg of the Race. They ask if it's easy to get a taxi, and the vet, clearly taken by the girls, offers to take them. Swoon!

It's a short ride, and soon they are running up to Phil. Welcome, team number one. They have a nice chat with Phil about the leopard feeding experience and I can tell Phil is happy for them too. Phil has another piece of happy news for them, as the winners of this leg of the Race they have won a cash prize of $10,000. They are ecstatic, then share a meaningful look and a smile. I wonder if they're going to kiss. But it's better, they turn to Phil and ask if they can donate this to the Animal Orphanage. Remember how touched I was just now? I'm melting into a puddle of touched-ness and I don't care if it's not a word.

While donating your prize money in front of the cameras may be taken as a cheap publicity stunt, even the hard-edged, cynical crone inside me can see it was nothing of the kind. These two incredible ladies were genuinely moved by their visit to the orphanage and I truly believe they did the right thing. I'm sad now, cos they'll be off my screen for the rest of the episode, but in my mind I picture them at the Pitstop, talking about their day and sharing more lovey-dovey moments. Sigh.

With difficulty I tear myself away from the sugary sugariness and return to the Race.

Rupert & Randy's taxi pull up at the Carnivore restaurant. Time for the Roadblock. Phil, magically transported by the power of television from the Karen Blixen Museum to the restaurant, tells us that the Carnivore restaurant is famous for serving all sorts of grilled meat, from the usual beef and lamb to the exotic like zebra, buffalo and giraffe. The Roadblocker is presented with eight covered plates, on which there is a pound of meat. They have to pick one and finish the entire plate in order to get the next clue. They will only know what they are eating when they remove the cover.

Randy takes the Roadblock and he gets crocodile. He pulls a face but starts eating anyway.

Faith & Robin arrive next, Robin volunteers. "I'll eat anything, I'm not afraid to try new food. If they can serve it in a restaurant it must be edible, it might even be nice," he says gallantly. He gets wildebeest. You know, those large stupid looking creatures that travel in millions across the plains and whose purpose in life seem to be to be food for lions, cheetahs and leopards. They make such good Discovery Channel 'Lions hunt for food Special' fodder. Robin takes his first bite and says, "gamey and very tough."

Buffy & Riley next. Inexplicably it's Buffy who takes the Roadblock, would have thought a strapping boy like Riley will like his meat better than his slip of a girlfriend. She gets, surprise surprise, spare ribs! So not all plates are exotic meat, oh man.

Meanwhile, and I'm honest enough to say I've completely forgotten, the Principals finish their Detour and get the next clue.

Back at Carnivore, it's April & Andrew. They are having an intense discussion about who to take the Roadblock. "You're not feeling well, I'll take it," says Andrew. "You've taken the last 3, I have to do one," April reasons. I think that teams are beginning to be conscious of the 6 Roadblock rule and distributing between physical and non-physical tasks. Though I'm not sure it's a wise decision, April takes the Roadblock, and gets giraffe. She pales when she takes the cover off and see the sheer amount of meat there.

Adam & Oz. With no fanfare, as is their style, Adam picks one plate, sees that it's zebra, and begin.

Randy finishes his crocodile and they get the clue. "Wasn't that bad, actually. Tastes a lot like overcooked chicken," he grins. They are to go to the Karen Blixen Museum, as we know, the Pitstop.

Buffy is enjoying herself very much, naturally being the only one at the table with a familiar meat. She can eat, that girl, and polishes off the ribs quickly, like a poster girl for TGI Friday's. They get the clue and head off looking for a taxi.

Xander & Anya, now reunited with their clue, pull up. Anya nominates Xander immediately, he shoots her an irritated look but says nothing. His expression turns around 180 degrees as he gets lamb. "My favorite!" he declares. My goodness, what a stroke of luck.

Robin finishes the tough wildebeest and they get the clue.

Finally the Principals arrive at the restaurant, Snyder has to pick between the last two plates and he gets…chicken gizzards. He looks sick.

Which is how April is looking. She is really struggling, I think she shouldn't have done the Roadblock. They can make it up on the next one, what's good about taking turns if they get eliminated? She whimpers and asks Andrew for some water, holding her stomach gingerly.

At the Karen Blixen Museum it's Rupert & Randy. Well done, team number two. "Not a bad leg, we did better than other teams in the market detour, thanks to Dad, and I managed to finish the meat without much trouble," Randy gloats. Alright, grudgingly I admit this team is gradually creeping up my radar screen. I'm thinking about their 'hook' of estranged father / son and I wonder if they're really as estranged as we were led to believe.

Buffy & Riley check in as team number three. "I just want to lie down," Buffy sighs. Not much contact between Riley and Randy today, may be Buffy is being more perceptive than I thought and the reason for her doing the Roadblock is to prevent a scene between the two.

Faith & Robin arrive at the Amazing Bathmat, they're team number four. Oh, slippage, their impenetrable armor is dented a little on this leg. Losing out on the earlier flight, not bargaining hard enough. But still finishing within the top half, I'll give them credit for that. Still my favorites to win.

Xander catches up a lot on the meat eating, he finishes almost the same time as Adam. "The zebra was very dry, so I was quaffing water. That wasn't so smart because it made me full quicker," Adam interviews. "Did it taste like chicken?" asks Oz. "No, more like leather," Adam says.

The both get their clue and are off.

April is on the verge of collapse, she's puking all over the place. "Oh my god I need a hospital," she says. "I have spasms in my stomach, Andrew. I don't know what to do!"

"Do you want to leave it?" he asks.

April pauses a beat, swallows hard and then totally floors me by showing some backbone. "We'll get a 4 hour penalty and eliminated for sure, come over and help me."

Andrew sits by her and rubs her back. She takes a deep breath and proceeds to take small bites into her giraffe meat. Not a lot left, but she has been there a while, it must be so cold and congealed by now, I don't envy her.

This rapido editing between the restaurant and the Pitstop is beginning to bug me, but I guess that's how the teams finished. Adam & Oz come up to Phil and are welcomed as team number five.

Xander & Anya are team number six. This is their lowest position so far, I know that if it wasn't for the misplaced clue they'll be right up there. But that's the way the Race goes sometimes.

Snyder is trying his best to scoff down the gooey mess that is on his plate. It looks like shit, literally, pardon my French. At regular moments he gags. Yuckiness all around.

I hate these eating challenges, it's so Fear Factor. If I want to watch people eat gross stuff I'll watch that stupid excuse for a tv program instead, why are the Amazing Producers forever mixing up reality shows nowadays? Admittedly it's better than forcing the racers to eat 4 pounds of beef parts, but only slightly less heinous.

I tip my hat in the direction of April, I never expect this sort of mettle from her. They are not my favorite team and I've said again and again I don't think they have good enough racing skills. But I'm on my feet clapping when she finishes, because it is deserved. I'm feeling generous today.

They get to Phil as team number seven. After next elimination we'll have six teams, so I say this again — April & Andrew, seven is not your lucky number.

There's no suspense as the Principals are the only team left. Snyder still has half a plate left and he's discussing with Flutie whether he should give up. "We're in last place anyway, so getting a 4-hour penalty isn't going to improve our standing, this stuff is disgusting, I can't eat any more," he says.

"But if this is non-Elim, we'll be 4 hours behind, and without money to boot…" Flutie trails off.

"You want me to finish this foul gunk? No beeping way!" Snyder insists.

"I don't want to be last," Flutie whines.

"We're last anyway, don't you get that? April and Andrew just left," Snyder shouts.

"How long will it take you to finish this?" Flutie asks.

"I can't, it's sickening, it'll take hours," Snyder snarls.

Flutie walks away, leaving Snyder in his tracks. He is clearly fuming but doesn't have the guts to confront his team-mate. What a dysfunctional team.

Next we see him with their backpacks and going over the Snyder. "Let's go, take a chance," he says.

They ask for the clue and shortly afterwards arrive at the Amazing Bathmat. They're the last team to arrive and Phil's sorry to say they're Philminated. Even before applying the 4 hour time penalty.

"We've had so many difficulties on the race, it's like someone up there is continually testing us," Snyder says tersely at the Pitstop interview. Flutie stays silent. I say for the last time, and I thank all the deities who listened to my plea, Shut the Fuck Up, Snyder.

Teaser for Episode 7

"My internal organs are too busy playing musical chairs," says Xander.

Teams see a zebra for the first time and are like a group of excited toddlers seeing ice cream.

"You mean they can climb inside?" April shrieks.

"We're going star-gazing," says Tara.

Useful links & information

Geneva:
UN agencies
International Red Cross & Red Crescent Museum

Answers to the abbreviated organizations quiz:

• UNITAR – United Nations Institute for Training and Research
• WIPO – World Intellectual Property Organization
• WMO – World Meteorological Organization
• ITU – International Telecommunications Union
• UNHCHR – United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights
• UNCTAD – United Nations Conference on Trade and Development
• ICRC – International Committee of the Red Cross

Kenya:
Stanley Hotel
Carnivore restaurant

Nairobi Animal Orphanage
feeding baby big cats

Today started early again, the sun was barely up when we left the hotel, but there was enough light to see the outline of the Matterhorn. I know it sounds cheesy, but as a symbol of a country goes, nothing can beat the Matterhorn as the Swiss representative.

We're so in tune with our waking routines now, we can get ready in record time. Of course, not having inhibitions about your bodies help when one is taking a shower while the other is using the sink. Tara reads all my journal entries (hi Baby!) but I'll be bold and say, I can't wait till it's Time, and my baby knows what I mean. But I also get what she says about the right moment and making sure it's as special as it should be.

The Race kept us in Switzerland all morning, with a puzzle-solving task in Geneva, but by lunchtime we were on our way to Africa. Wow. I mean, AFRICA. We were on the same flight as Xander and Anya. Xander was being annoying and kept saying "I had a farm in Africa" in a Meryl Streep / Out of Africa accent, until Anya slapped him repeatedly.

We lost them at Nairobi airport. After the predictability, cleanliness and simply general perfection of Switzerland, it was a big shock to be in a totally different culture. The people were pushy, but we didn't feel any malice. We felt okay, this was an expected part of coming on the Race, so we were well prepared not to freak out.

When we realized we were first to the cluebox and a Fast Forward was available, we took it immediately. How could we not? We got to feed a baby leopard by hand.

It was the most amazing experience in my entire life, and I think for Tara too.

The cub was 5 weeks old and was being cared for by Peter, a vet at the Nairobi Animal Orphanage. He didn't have a name, Peter said he tended not to name the animals that come through the orphanage otherwise he got too attached to them. Privately Tara and I started calling the leopard Little Leo, which of course meant lion, but it was close enough anyway :).

Peter fed Leo every 2-3 hours, each time about 5 ounces of formula that was made up of milk powder, goat's milk, vitamins and blended baby food, usually turkey or beef flavored. He laid him on his lap while we took turns with the bottle. I said to Tara afterwards that I wished Peter could have let us hold Leo while feeding, but she said it may be too unfamiliar to the cub and he might get nervous. She's right, of course.

Afterwards Peter told us we should burp him. Of course we knew human babies have to be burped after feeding, but didn't make the association. We stroked his back gently until he burped, it took a good 10-15 minutes. His fur was soooo soft, a little coarser than even an adult cat, but he kept purring away like mad all the way through. It really was fantastic.

We kept stroking him after he burped, until he fell asleep like a cute kitten curled up comfortably in Peter's lap. We didn't want to leave him but Peter told us he needed to go back to his quarters to sleep until the next feeding. When he grew older, he will have to be taken for walks to become familiar with the open environment as eventually he will be released back to the wild (after they tag him with a satellite tracking device of course).

I think feeding the cub brought out maternal instincts in us that we didn't realize we have. For Tara she is feeling it in a big way. The thought of children has occurred to me, but I tend to dismiss it, probably because it's pretty impossible for two women to have kids and I want our kids to be "ours", which again, impossible. The other possibilities like adoption, surrogates, donors, all seem too remote.

But my heart broke when I saw Tara interacting with the cub, and how longingly she stared at him even after Peter took him back to his pen. She will make a good mother one day, and I want to be part of her family too. Those other possibilities come to mind again and I find I'm not as adverse to the thought any more.

Anyway, Peter very kindly drove us to the Pitstop. He told us more about what the orphanage does, and how many visitors it attracts every year. Right now they have in their care several baby impalas, bushbucks, zebras, hedgehogs, baboons, warthogs, and a tiny rhino. Most of them are there because they were abandoned by their mothers, or if their mothers died due to poaching or disease. The more he told us, the more in awe we felt.

When Phil told us that we'd won a cash prize, Peter's words were fresh on our minds and we decided, without needing to talk about it, that we'd donate the prize to the orphanage. The prize money would have of course gone a long way, if only for air tickets, but there were others who needed it more than us, and we felt no hesitation at our, perhaps impetuous, joint decision.

Aside from the feeling that we'd done something worthwhile, what astound us is how we came to the conclusion simultaneously, it was like our minds were completely melded that there was no need for words, the connection was so strong.

I'm still feeling the connection now, inside me, and I'm sure she can too. The way we held hands all the way to the hotel, how we spent an hour in our room snuggled up close, it feels like our relationship is going up another step. I look at her silhouette under the covers and my love for her is so enormous I can't accurately find the words to describe how I feel. This race has brought us together in unimaginable ways and I want so much for us to have a future together.

We are almost 2 hours ahead of the other teams, may be they'll catch up with us tomorrow, but we're very happy at how today ended. Anya said that the Roadblock consisted of eating a pound of meat, that although Xander's was lamb, Robin got wildebeest and April, poor April, had a whole plate of giraffe meat, while suffering from food poisoning. I'm glad I didn't have to go through that – I would have done it cos Tara is vegetarian, but a whole pound of meat? Goddess I'm no Merchant of Venice.

My final thoughts on our first day in Africa. The smells are different, and so are the people, the weather, the language, the environment. Food looks and tastes different and even flowers and trees appear more exotic.

Africa changes people. I can see why now.

Episode recap

We're in Kenya, often referred to as the 'cradle of humanity'. It is also inseparable from the image of the African safari, vividly brought to life by writers such as Ernest Hemingway and Karen Blixen. And we have a nice(-ish) segue to the Karen Blixen Museum in Nairobi, one of the largest and fastest growing cities in Africa, which was also the latest Pitstop in a race around the world.

The seven teams remaining in the Race in a brief eat / sleep / mingle moment. Phil voices over that teams requested a longer Pitstop because of April's ill health, she had food poisoning and the teams unanimously voted to not continue until she was better. The Producers agreed, though I can't help but think of how that must have affected future planning. [*Probably less than we think, there were production delays on previous seasons.*] There is a lot of debate on the forums, that in real life if you are traveling around the world on a schedule, you're bound to that schedule even if you're sick as a dog. But it is gracious of CBS to agree, even though they are milking the whole 'how gracious we are' angle. Yawn.

9.23am. Lovebirds at the cluebox. Looks like a 24 hour Pitstop, by the timing. Let's see. Arrived at the airport at 5am, by the time they left the statue may be 6.30 or 7am. Half an hour to the orphanage, an hour or so feeding the leopard cub, yeah 24 hour Pitstop sounds right.

They are to travel 125 miles to the town of Narok by matatu and find the Sunshine Travel Agency. A matatu is a mini-van or truck that forms the backbone of public transport in Kenya. Of course we know it by its other name of chicken coop. It's a squeeze for the ladies, back in psychedelic rojak clothing today (they heard me saying I missed their color explosion?). The mini-van they get into probably has a manufacturer's certificate for may be 8 people, today has at least twice as many passengers, a couple of passengers are even sitting on the roof.

"It was scary, and very cramped, inside the van. The air circulation wasn't particularly great, but at least that woman put her chickens on the roof and not inside!" Tara laughs.

11.11am. That's creepy, in a 666 kind of way, perhaps that's just me and my paranoia about consecutive numbers. R.Randy locate the matatu easily at what looks a matatu staging area. They negotiate the price with the driver but have to wait till the van fills up. Randy's impatience is barely disguised and he asks the driver repeatedly if they can be going now. The driver ignores him.

11.29am. Goldies, looking better than last time they were at the starting line. They count out the money, $129. "We're fully rested, pumped and ready for anything," Riley says, together with arm pumping action as he says "pumped" and of course much blowing out of chest cavity. No, I'm not interested in the size of his chest thank you very much.

They find the sardine tin disguised as a van that has, somewhere inside, 2 other sardines known as Rupert and his very impatient son. Randy scowls as he sees Riley haul his bulk inside, Buffy gives him an apologetic smile. Oooh, this will be an uncomfortable ride, in more ways than one, for Randy and Riley. I'm sadistic.

11.52am. I'm not used to seeing Efficiency this far down the pecking order. Go Faith! Go Robin! Show us some more of your hotness, I hope there's much running and sweating, cos I'm missing buff Faith and buff Robin. They get on a different type of vehicle, this matatu is a large truck, the kind you see a lot in developing countries transporting livestock and people, usually both at the same time. They climb on and sit in with the locals.

"We got to ride with a whole family of eleven, the father and mother, grandmother and countless kids. They kids were just so lively," Faith interviews.

"I gave them some candy and the youngest girl, called Keisha, went to sleep on my lap throughout. Kinda makes me wish for kids," Robin says whimsically.

Faith does a double take and obviously finds it difficult to maintain her composure in front of the cameras. Uh oh, the commitment issue rears its ugly head.

12.07pm. TallShort get into the Efficiency truck. Shortly afterwards, Pirates climb in. It's a tight fit and I'm not just talking about Faith's T-shirt.

12.58pm. AAbot finally at yet another van. April is looking less sickly. "I had food poisoning and they let everyone rest for a bit while I received medical attention. It was touch and go at one point, we were this close to leaving the race," she explains. "We have a long way to catch up, but we're hoping there's some opening hours or charter that helps us get even again," says Andrew. Yuck, he says exactly the thing on my mind, that there will most likely be bunching. And knowing Africa, this will be a mega-bunch.

Our first team on the road, and it's a bumpy one. "The road out from Nairobi started fine, we climbed a bit, then there was a change of scenery and we were at the Great Rift Valley," Willow takes up the narration. "We leave the Rift Valley escarpment behind and the roads turned bad, it was bumpy, dusty and sometimes there didn't even seem to be a road, just dust and gravel. Worst are the potholes so large you can park a truck inside, the driver had to detour all the way round, and then there'd be another one."

The teams that feel it most are the ones in the truck, cos inside a van at least they can hold onto the seat in front of them or brace themselves against the roof. No such luxury in the back of the truck, where we have 3 teams, Robin's new family and other assortment of passengers.

Anya spots a herd (or whatever the correct term is) of camels at the side of the otherwise empty road and points it out to her fellow racers, they crane their necks and oooh and aaah away. Xander, however, is firmly seated at the bottom of the floor.

"You want to look at the camels?" asks Anya.

"Love to, but my internal organs are too busy playing musical chairs," Xander says with a grimace as the truck bounces, and when I say bounce I mean bounce like it's hooked up to a bungee rope on a trampoline. And oh my god, he's bouncing up and down in perfect rhythm to certain parts of Faith's anatomy that cannot be missed however much you cover your eyes. Aaaah, burn, baby, burn!

Amidst all the bouncing, and I mean more than just Faith's, um, globes, Lovebirds arrive at Narok. A completely chaotic town, with cars and trucks everywhere, bicycles interweaving between them, and young boys steering donkey-driven carts. The town has a kind of frontier cowboy ramshackle feel about it, any moment now I expect a gun fight to break out and the sheriff arriving to quell the troubles. Not to mention the tumbleweeds, we've got to have tumbleweeds. [*er, I think we're in the wrong thread…*]

As they emerge from the mini-van, and even before they can take a breath, they are mobbed by people wanting to sell them things, gawk or just plain beg. For the first time on the African trip, I sense the girls getting anxious. They ask for directions to the Sunshine Travel Agency and the mob follows them. "You kinda expect to attract attention, being tourists, with our white faces and being females, but the type of aggressive harassment was a little hard to stomach," Tara recounts. "This woman wanted me to buy her bananas in return for taking her photo, well aside from the fact that we're not allowed cameras on the Race, I don't want to pay $5 for a bunch of rotten bananas I can't even eat. If I wanted to subsist on moldy fruit, I would have gone on Survivor," she adds, with more venom that I've seen from her at any time on the Race.

They force their way into the travel agency, I don't know how, may be they use a Moses spell to cut a way through. They are told to travel to a traditional Masai manyatta (village) on transport organized by the travel agency. Okay now I'm freaking out about this 'transport' business. I have visions of them on camels, tied to the back of a goat-cart, or unceremoniously ditched in the middle of bandit country and it starts getting dark. What are you doing to my favorite team, Amazing Producers?

My overly furtive imagination need not worry, it's only a battered van, much like the matatu they traveled in from Nairobi, but the owner tells them they have to wait till there are enough people. Uh-oh, potential bunching situation brewing. They ask what is the additional price for taking the whole van and negotiate a deal with the owner. Oh, smart!

Goldies / R.Randy van, at a roadside stop. The driver tells all passengers to get off, to the consternation of our teams. Randy, his earlier impatience unabated, asks why they are stopping and is met with a toothy grin, and nothing else. The non-Race passengers scatter around, looking like they expect this stop. Rupert asks a fellow sardine and is told that the driver is waiting for refills. "What refills?" the Professor asks. His informant shrugs.

Buffy and Randy in conversation, Randy is updating her on the refill situation, there's a respectable distance between them. Riley storms over in a huff and he's just short of shoving Randy aside. Man, I know the cheek-sucking-scenery-stealing ninny has been trying to get up close and personal with Riley's girl/possession, but look at the situation! They should be allowed to have a normal conversation without bull-boy getting his back up. Sheesh.

Some time later, a truck arrives. It's a mobile gas station! The truck driver uses a garden hose and the traditional suck-and-spit technique to connect the oil drums on the truck to the van's tank. Well, this is convenient, imagine being stuck in the middle of nowhere with no gas, you call up the AAA and they send gas. Except when they ask you for your location all you can say is 'the middle of nowhere' and by the time the truck gets to you, you've died of dehydration and/or heat stroke.

Back at the Lovebird transport, they arrive at the manyatta and find that it's a Detour, with a choice of Graze or Raise. In Graze they help a Masai herdsman herd cattle into a pen called a kraal, light a fire using two sticks before joining in a traditional dance of celebration. In Raise, they help the Masai woman build a traditional home constructed of branches woven together with grass and then plastered and sealed with cow dung. They opt to take the home building. Did the image of two hot, nubile young ladies totally into each other and splattered with mud just invade your normally non porno-filled mind? No? Cos that's what is in my mind right now. [*slaps face repeatedly to maintain dignity.*]

The walls of the home are already up, they help the women raise the frame of the roof and secure it with twine. Then the fun begins. There's dried cow dung and mud everywhere, they sling it onto the walls and some of it stick, but the rest either slides to the ground or stays on their hands. They get hugely messy and giggly and if these two ladies ever want to get into professional mud-wrestling, I'll be the first in line at the box office. In fact, I'll buy up ALL the front row seats and the exclusive tv rights, even if I have to mortgage my home. Heck, I'll sell my home, all I need is a tv and tivo. Drool.

Time for a cold shower and deep reflection.

Brrrr, I'm back. The Efficiency / TallShort / Pirates truck arrive at Narok and they fight their way through the mob to the travel agency, where they get the clue and are shown to another battered van with the same spiel about waiting for more people. They don't try to charter the whole van, why? They are 6 people plus the Amazing Crew, how many more will the owner want to cram inside?

"We got off a 3 hour roller-coaster ride and arrived at Narok, then we got into a van with the prospect of another hour's worth of bumpity-bump, I was kinda glad I didn't eat breakfast cos it would definitely ended up on the vehicle floor," Anya groaned. Of all racers, I expect haggling from her, I'll put it down to the side-effects of 3 hours of nausea.

The price for not negotiating is that they are caught up by the R.Randy / Goldies van. Now we have 10 racers in a van and still the agency owner wants to wait. They finally latch onto the idea that 'waiting for more people' is a euphemism for 'waiting for you to bribe me with money'. They pay him 2000 shillings, that's $25 which, shared between 5 teams, is a bargain.

They bump and lurch their way to the manyatta.

Manyatta zanyatta. Lovebirds, with the help of what seems like dozens of Masai villagers, are making short work of the dung-slinging. "I never thought I'd enjoy myself this so much," Willow laughs happily at she slings yet another sludge at the hut. Children join in and soon, it's a mud fight! Oh my god, my mud-wrestling fantasy is making me dizzy. They finish, and the village women show them to what seems to be a special cleaning area – yep you've guessed it, it's an enclosure equipped with a large drum of water and a couple of buckets. My puddly brain thinks, "Oh Mama, wet T-shirt contest!" But, damn, we don't get to see them getting each other thoroughly wet. Sigh, I know, I know, have to keep to PG-13. I don't like it, and fervently hope there's a downloadable clip somewhere, or at least some of the cleaning scene makes it to the TAR Uncut! DVD.

Two cleaner-looking Racers get the next clue telling them to return to their transport, which will take them 40 miles to the Sarova Mara Camp at the Masai Mara Nature Reserve. They are to sign up at the camp office for a 'Special Activity'. Yeah, for 'Special Activity' read Mega-Bunching Activity, they don't fool me.

The Sardine Tin on Wheels arrives and its contents spill out. A debate ensues about which Detour to take. Efficiency, TallShort and R.Randy take the cow herding, while Goldies and Pirates take home building.

It's like a madhouse. Cows everywhere, going in all directions except the one they're supposed to. Here's Randy trying to pull on a cow, proving to all and asunder that a stubborn cow is stronger than a human. Here's Oz trying to ride on one, what, does he think he's John Wayne or something? And here's Faith & Robin trying to push one, and yes, the theory has been proven: cows are way stronger than humans. The Masai villagers are having a whale (or should I say a cow) of a time watching the free show, I bet they don't get anything this funny, like, ever. I mean, they don't have The Daily Show or Monty Python here do they?

Rupert seems to have gotten the hang of it somewhat, gently prodding his cow along happily with a stick. "Nice Cow," he keeps saying to it, and I can't stop laughing.

Meanwhile at Dung Construction Inc., Xander is giving directions for the putting up of the roof, he's in full foreman mode. "I love organizing Masai labor, they're so cooperative," he grins at himself. I hate to put this to you, Xan-man, these 'labor' know what they're doing a lot more than you, do you think they'll do anything different if you're not there?

Riley and Buffy also with the mud and cow dung. Riley has stripped down to his khaki shorts and yeah, I suppose I have to admit his muscles look great, but he's not in my good books right now. Boy's got too much intensity and borderline nastiness just simmering. It's always the Mommy's Boy isn't it. Anyway, they sling mud.

Randy is trying to keep up with his Pops in the cow herding task. "We're gonna be doing this till the cows come home," he puffs. Rupert gets a few more cows into the pen and gets the nod from the herdsman. They move onto the fire-making and groan in dismay as they see all they have are 2 sticks and some dried grass. Their Masai person shows them how it's done, by rubbing the sticks quickly against each other. They grit their teeth and try.

Faith & Robin get the cows into their pen and get going with the fire task. "What? We only get sticks? At least on Survivor there's a flint," Robin grumbles. Wowza! That's the second Survivor reference this episode, do I get the feeling that the teams are wishing they entered a different show?

Adam & Oz get their cow quota. "That was more difficult that I thought," Adam commented. "You don't say," says Oz.

There's a commotion over at Dung Construction Inc. as Anya slips and falls butt first into a pile of wet, squishy cow dung. She makes a face. "I've had it! I'm never donating money to a poor African nation again," she whines.

Xander immediately goes over to see if her brain functions have been knocked out by the dung. She flings him away as he tries to haul her up. "Don't touch me, you're totally filthy, I don't want any more of this crap on me," she screeches.

"Honey, we're the chief stinkeroo's of the Planet of Stinkeroo right now, you've got as much of this stuff on you as me," he says.

Buffy peeps over to ask if she's okay. Xander nods gratefully and Golden Girl gets called back to her slave-pen by her possessive boyfriend/owner, who I'm picturing wearing a tattered gray wife-beater, cos he has potential to be a total beater of wife. This is probably the Amazing Editors doing their 'now that Snyder's off our screens, who can we make the next villain' thing, but I think FarmBoy has given them enough fodder, afterall, you can't edit what's not available, right?

We switch from Mud Slinging to Stick Rubbing. It's Randy, he's drenched in sweat as he intently tries to get two measly sticks to produce a fire. If he sweats even more I swear it'll drop into whatever fire he manages to make and put it out. Rupert asks if he can have a try but Randy ignores him. Ah! I have the blonde one pegged. He's one of those guys (and it's 99.99% guys) who, when faced with a task that they can't seem to do, will not get help, even though it's the most logical thing to do. How many times have you sat in the car with a guy who's clearly lost but refuses to stop and ask for directions? Or who has spent the last 4 hours trying to connect the DVD player to the TV but the screen still comes up blank and yet he doesn't read the manual? Or who waves an electric drill around like he knows how to use it, but doesn't want to fess up that he thinks he just used the wrong bit on the wall?

He lucks out, there's a spark, then a glimmer of smoke. He blows hard at the kindling and, miracle of miracles! it lights up. He does a little jitty and Rupert slaps him on the back. They move onto the final task, and join the Masai warriors around a fire where much dancing takes place. For dancing, read leaping up 3 feet in the air from a standing position like they have a pogo stick attached to the soles of their feet. It's great when the warriors do it, but our intrepid heroes can manage, oh, may be 9 inches? Hee.

Meanwhile Adam & Oz get their fire started. "Don't I wish I were a Drew Barrymore movie," Adam says.

"Dude, did you see Never Been Kissed?" Oz deadpans. Oh, man, these two can totally be my imaginary boyfriends. They're a veritable encyclopedia of pop culture references, without the crudeness. And I bet they take personal hygiene seriously. [*Pssst, watty, you have a girlfriend, what should I tell her about this sudden change in, um, orientation?*]

They join the R.Randy 9 inch dance, to much applause from the villagers. They get their clue and make their way to their transport.

They tell the driver they're ready to leave. He opens his eyes from his reclining position and says they need to wait for the other teams.

Oh.

No amount of persuasion, cajoling, or offers of money can change his mind. Randy storms off, stopping to give the wheels a kick for good measure. Wow, this driver must be a dedicated follower of the god of bunching.

Oblivious to their good luck, Riley pushes Buffy and the women to quickly finish the mud hut. He asks for the clue and is told to clean up first. I can see it at the tip of his tongue, "Fuck the cleaning, I want my clue. Now." Eventually he is forced to obey, splashes water on himself, gets the clue and they run to the carpark to find the other two teams waiting there.

Randy is none too pleased to see this team. "It's so unfair, to work your ass off on a task, and then for the other teams to catch up," he complains. Is he allowed to say 'ass' on tv?

Meanwhile Faith & Robin get their fire and join in the dancing.

Xander & Anya also finish with their home building.

Okay, all aboard! Choo-choo! The van takes off in a screech of tires on dust.

Somewhere an hour and many lunar craters behind, Andrew & April leave Narok in a rickety Sunshine van. They have it all to themselves, the owner finally figuring there are no teams left to 'wait' for.

Andrew asks him about the other teams and is told they came through 'hours and hours' earlier. "We're so dead," he laments.

They ask their driver to drive as quickly as possible, cos they're in a hurry. Er, well, drive as quickly as possible without falling into the innumerable potholes and thereby risking a puncture that will bleed even more of your time, rrrright.

Somewhere between Narok and the manyatta, they come across a colony of monkeys on palm trees. "Oooh, they're so cute," exclaims April.

"Watch out!" shouts Andrew as a few of them jump onto the van and try to rip off the windscreen wipers. They start to climb further up, and the driver tells them to close the windows.

"You mean they can climb inside?" April shrieks. Apparently so, but didn't you say a minute ago that these monkeys are cute? Guess they're cute if they stay at a distance, right? Now, try telling that to the monkeys. Snerk.

The driver does some swervy maneuver that seems to shake the attackers off and they breathe a sigh of relief.

At the Masai village they decide to do the cow herding. It's noticeably darker as they arrive, a good guess is they arrive late afternoon. The villagers crowd around to help them, probably eager to get home after a tough day at the office. Come on, you thought this is a real Masai village? Sucker! From what I read, they are a nomadic tribe and walk great distances herding their cows, but their way of life has been eroded by the slow onslaught of tourism. I hardly think they will live in a settlement-looking village, let alone one that has a car park.

When they have their cows in the pen, the herdsman literally makes their fire for them, yep, definitely a clock-watcher, that one. Even the dance seems perfunctory. They're off to Savora Camp in record time, and I don't think it's all editing.

"Wow," say Willow and Tara as they enter the gates of the Masai Mara Nature Reserve. Immediately they see animals – elephants, wildebeests, zebras and all sorts of antelopes.

"The drive from the village to the reserve was the roughest yet, the last 10 miles or so the road simply disappeared. But it was worth it, all thoughts of discomfort went away as soon as we saw our first elephant," Willow interviews.

"It was a group of mother elephants and their young. I didn't think I've been as touched since the baby leopard feeding, but I was," Tara adds.

They arrive at the extremely luxurious-looking camp, which is located within electrical fences and they have to enter via a large iron gate. A red-clothed Masai warrior greets them and gives them some tea to drink. "Mmm, sweet, it's the best thing I've tasted all day," Tara says. Willow is about to say something but she checks herself and blushes. Oh, do I think she almost uttered a naughty remark! They crack me up, these two.

They find out the 'Special Activity' is an early morning hot-air balloon safari, which they have to sign up for. Needless to say they make the first flight at 5am next morning, and you have to see how floored they are. If I don't know better, I can swear they are acting like they've won the Race.

The Van of Supreme Bunching passes through the gates of the nature reserve. The 5 teams inside see a zebra for the first time and are like a group of excited toddlers seeing ice cream.

"Oh my god," Buffy keeps saying.

They arrive at Camp and it's dark already. They rush inside but have to stop at the Masai Warrior's Tea Stand. Rupert & Randy get the remaining slot on the first balloon flight, Go Rupert & Randy, you're beginning to step up! Adam & Oz and Faith & Robin get the second balloon, leaving at 5.45am. Xander & Anya and Buffy & Riley get the third flight at 6.30am, looks like it's the last flight, so April & Andrew will catch up again. See? Mega-Bunching.

When AAbot finally arrive, the other teams are sitting around a roaring fire in the garden, chatting and relaxing. Xander and Robin greet Andrew and Tara gives April a little hug. There's a little camaraderie going on. Guess the competition hasn't got to the cut-throat phase yet.

"Have you eaten?" Rupert asks the pair. Talk about perfect timing, the hotel staff arrive with a tray of food and two large glasses of milk.

"I hope this isn't from the cows at the village," Andrew laughs.

"Did you get the feeling the village is a tourist attraction?" Anya asks. "It smells of cash cow to me."

There is comfortable silence as they sit and enjoy the fresh air, the clear skies and the distant sounds of wilderness.

The first team to make a move are the Lovebirds. "We're off, good-night everyone," says Willow.

"Turning in early?" Buffy asks.

"We're going star-gazing," says Tara.

We see the beginnings of a smirk on some of the guys' faces, clearly their imagination is as active as mine. These two aren't just going to look at stars, are they, but I'll afford them their privacy cos it's deserved.

Oh, and I realize that in the middle of one of the most amazing safari locations in the world and under more stars than we can see, we're still running the race, this is not a Pitstop.

Early morning African safari skyline porn. It's beautiful, with a lone acacia tree silhouetted against the emerging sun. Animals rising and beginning their day. It's just another day on the plains of the Masai Mara.

Lovebirds and R.Randy, wrapped up warm, climb into their balloon. They have this constant wide-eye amazement that they're actually doing this.

"Looks like you didn't get much sleep, did the insects keep you up too?" Rupert makes conversation.

"Um, well, we didn't manage to fall asleep till quite late," Willow stutters.

"Yes, with new surroundings insomnia can easily hit," an oblivious Rupert continues. Oh, Professor, I may be wrong, but I don't think insomnia is the culprit, Lovebirds are far too clingy this morning, they're also sporting dark panda eyes. I'll refrain from making any more remarks.

Meanwhile the balloon master has inflated the huge hot-air balloon and they're ready.

"This has got to be the second most wonderful experience of my life," Willow says, with real wonder.

"Only second?" asks Randy.

"Yeah."

"What's the first?"

"Um, well, it's kinda private. Between Tara and me," Willow blushes a shade as red as her hair. Tara blushes even more, if that's even possible.

Randy quirks an eyebrow, but has the decency to not pursue.

Willow smiles, "Tara gave me something last night, a wonderful gift," she beams.

Oh kill me now, I can't stand the sugariness. Oh wait, I can, and I love it. Tara too, she has this totally dreamy smile on her face. Like if the rarest and most beautiful animal on earth comes into sight, she isn't going to notice, her eyes are on Willow only.

Rupert looks on like a proud uncle. Randy, who I expect to be leering, surprises me by smiling sincerely at the Lovebirds, even as their smiles start turning into that endearingly embarrassed look they've perfected so well.

The flight itself is short, but they spot a pride of lions on the hunt, thousands of wildebeests, giraffes, elephants and more gazelles than they can count. It's quiet up there in the balloon, the only sound is the blast of the furnace as the pilot occasionally funnels hot air up the giant balloon.

When they get back to the ground they are treated to a small picnic basket of breakfast and the next clue, which tells them to board pre-arranged buses that will take them 200 miles to Baboon Cliff at the Lake Nakuru National Park.

Sooo, the balloon flight doesn't involve a task, it's a bonus side trip. It's nice and all, but I keep thinking this is a race, not a sightseeing trip, and that flight has nothing to do with the Race but everything to do with promoting Kenya's safari trade.

The second group to be treated to the non-Race hot-air balloon flight consists of Adam & Oz and Faith & Robin. They get up to 1000 feet and even the normally stoic TallShort pair are excited as they pick out the wild animals on the ground. "It feels like flying," says Oz.

They get their picnic, clue and transport. Faith & Robin, in particular, are well impressed with the picnic breakfast. "We were rushed getting up this morning, only managed a cup of coffee before leaving the camp. Look at this, hard-boiled eggs, ham and cheese sandwich, apples, juice and a thermos of coffee, I can't believe it, I feel like the African Queen," says Faith.

The last group of Buffy & Riley, Xander & Anya and April & Andrew get going at 6.30am. "They tell us it's a little later that usual for the balloon flight, but we should still see a lot of animals," Andrew reports. And they do, the remains of the earlier lion hunt that the first group saw, more elephants and zebras and antelopes.

"It's a humbling experience," Xander says. "The Masa Mara reserve is 700 square miles, I mean, that's 2.5 times the size of the Grand Canyon. And millions of wild animals live there, it makes us feel insignificant and small."

They touch down, get their goodies basket and alight their bus. By the way, these buses, compared with the matatus and Sunshine transport from yesterday, are the picture of luxury. Not a spot of rust in sight. I have to concede to the necessity of spoon-fed transport, there are no airports nearby, no public transport, and the roads are too treacherous to have the racers drive themselves. At least they're not all bunched on the same bus.

The Amazing Yellow Line shows us the progress from the Masai Mara to the Lake Nakuru National Park. After going past the Great Rift Valley and Anya's camel herd from yesterday, the landscape changes. It's less dry, there are more plants, and in general feels less like the end of the world.

Phil tells us that Lake Nakuru is a soda lake covering over 24 square miles, and formed 12 million years ago. It's also home to thousands, sometimes millions of flamingoes and pelicans. The surface of the shallow lake is often hardly recognizable due to the continually shifting mass of pink.

The National Park itself is also home to both white and black rhinos and the endangered Rotschild's giraffe. Teams are heading towards Baboon Cliff, which offers spectacular views of the lake and its pink borders.

Group 1 arrive mid-morning and find it's a Roadblock. "Who has eyes as sharp as a hawk?"

Phil again. He explains that in this Roadblock, one team member goes to the lookout point and, using a pair of binoculars, search for a red-and-yellow flag somewhere in the vicinity of the lake. Next to the flag is a chest with a sequence of numbers painted on. The Roadblocker has to memorize the sequence of numbers and proceed to the Lion Hill Lodge in the grounds of the National Park for their next clue. They are not allowed to write the numbers down on anything or put it down in any form, they must commit them to memory, however they are allowed to share with their team member.

Randy and Tara take the Roadblock for their teams. I have to add that the lookout point is a fair distance and height away from the lake and the constantly in motion flamingoes are probably a big hindrance in spotting the flag. Normally, spotting red and yellow amongst the greenery of a national park shouldn't be a problem, but with the pink background it's not as easy.

Randy finds the target first and mumbles the sequence to himself. It's a long sequence, 4-7-8-3-5-5-7-0-2-4-6-1. Of course the natural tendency is to shout it to your partner, but that alerts the other team. So Randy is busy reciting the numbers quietly to himself as he returns to Rupert.

In the stupidest bunching sequence, like, ever, R.Randy have to wait for Tara to finish before they can be off. Now I've seen all sorts of bunching and all sorts of stupid Amazing Producers planning, not to mention stupid and random TAR rules, but this one tops it all, it makes the kind of sense that doesn't.

Luckily Tara has the sequence shortly afterwards and she, too, struggles to remember it as she returns to Willow. "Willow should have done this, I can't remember so many numbers," she says worriedly.

Now both teams huddle in their corner of their bus to try to remember the sequence. Rupert & Randy are literally reciting the entire sequence all the way through. Willow, as ever, has figured out a way. "Okay, can you remember 47, 83 and 55? A 47 year old man and his 83 year old mother drive along the I-55 from Chicago to St Louis, can you remember this, honey? I'll remember the 70, 24 and 61, okay?"

Tara nods. Oh boy, this is genius! How much simpler is it to remember three 2-digit numbers than a 12-digit one?

Rupert & Randy continue their recital all the way down to the Lion Hill Lodge. It's hilarious to watch two grown men with silently moving lips, and a picture of concentration. Lovebirds look terribly relaxed, in fact, they seem to have melted into each other and are on the verge of crawling into each other's laps.

They make it to the Lion Hill Lodge and have to write the numbers on a slate and pass to a greeter. Rupert & Randy have a little difficulty. "We were repeating these numbers over and over on the way to the Lodge, then we realized we have different sequences. It took us a few minutes to sort it out," says Randy.

Willow & Tara have no such problems. They get the okay and are told to take one of the four wheel drive vehicles in the carpark and drive 40 miles to Thomson's Falls, the Pitstop for this leg of the Race.

R.Randy finally get the sequence correct and are off.

Group 2 arrive at Baboon Cliff. Robin and Oz take the Roadblock. They move around the lookout point, first this way, then that way. "God, it's like a needle in the haystack," says Robin.

Oz gets the numbers first. Robin notices that Oz has spotted the chest and points his binoculars in the same direction.

TallShort, too, discover the stupidity of the enforced bunching. "I'd hate to be in the final group," Adam comments. They split the number sequence into three blocks of 4- digit numbers, that's a good way. In fact, I asked my girlfriend how she would do it, and she immediately said, split into 4-digit numbers, like this: 4783-5570-2461. Not as good as Willow's way, but darn straight-forward.

Speaking of Group 3, they are playing some sort of road trip game. "Types of cheeses," says Andrew. Brie, cheddar, feta, Swiss.

"Swiss cheese isn't a type," Anya exclaims.

"This from the woman who eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe," Xander says, amused.

The only person who doesn't join in is Riley, who sits there with a scowl on his mug. "Everyone's all yay roadtrip! Let's play a game! But we were in the last group. One of those three teams was in danger of being eliminated and I was going to make sure it wasn't us." Oh boo-hoo Riley. Like I care.

They reach Baboon Cliff and find the Roadblock. The task is taken by Andrew, Anya and Riley.

"Lost a lot of my depth perception when I lost one eye, but otherwise I've been doing okay. Best not to leave it to chance though," Xander explains. Despite their bickering, I realize that Xander's disadvantage has in no way hinder this team who has been consistently finishing highly, until last leg. Have to admire the Pirate for that.

TallShort and Efficiency arrive at the Lion Hill Lodge (where there are no lions or large hills), get their next clue, and drive off.

Back at the lookout point, Andrew actually finds the numbers first, he clambers back to the bus to be told to wait. He's pissed. "For the first time in this leg we weren't in last place, this stinks," he interviews.

Anya, then Riley are done. They make their way to the Lodge. No major incidents as they get their next clue.

Thomson's Falls, known locally as Nyahururu, is a popular tourist stopover point. Though not (by a long way) the most spectacular falls on the African continent, it still boasts a drop of 273 feet. It's also our 7th Pitstop.

Phil's in an olive safari shirt that he pinched from one of Hemingway's novels. He stands there by the Amazing Bathmat with our greeter, a chieftain from one of the Kenyan tribes.

It's Rupert & Randy. They're team number one. Boo! "We overtook the girls' 4x4, I mean, it's a Race and we want to come first," says Randy. Fine, it's a RAAACE. I sulk.

Not for long. Willow & Tara arrive, to much cheering in the watty household. They're team number two. "Africa has been very special to us, we'll never forget the memories we made here," Tara says.

Efficiency SUV vs TallShort SUV on the roads of Kenya. It's a brand new episode of Rally Car Racing. Adam, with the longer legs, prevails and TallShort car leaves the Efficientmobile behind. [*Are you suffering from high fever? What does length of leg have to do with how fast you drive?*]

Adam & Oz park their SUV at the Falls carpark and run up to Phil. Welcome, team number three.

Faith & Robin are not far behind, they check in as team number four. "What's been the most memorably moment?" Phil asks. "The balloon, no question, the balloon," Robin answers.

Riley driving at breakneck speed, he narrowly misses a boy and his goat. Look, GoldenBoy, it's a RAAACE, but killing the locals will ensure a sojourn at a local jail, that will prevent you from going further, and who knows what the local judicial system is like?

They arrive without further complications and are team number five.

Anya drives more carefully, but still with determination. She passes Andrew. Andrew puts on resolve face and passes her. This is going to be tight.

"Get ready to jump out of the car as soon as I stop," Andrew says.

"Is your door unlocked? Seatbelt off?" Xander helps Anya with her seatbelt. She gets it off and rolls down her windows.

There's an air of unmistakable tension as both cars turn off the main road towards the falls. Andrew parks first and he and April jump out of their SUV quickly.

They almost land into the path of Anya's SUV, she screeches to a halt about 10 yards further up, her front bumper right against the gate. It gives her team a slight advantage. Good driving there, Anya.

Ooooh, it's going to be a footrace to the Bathmat. Xander and Andrew are pretty well matched but it's Anya who surprises, she beats April in the sprint.

So it's Xander & Anya who skid to a halt on the Bathmat by the skin of their teeth. They're team number six.

And so for April & Andrew, they never manage to climb to a position higher than seven. They're the last team to arrive and are Philminated.

"We've been struggling all through the race, but when we finally got a small break, we were let down by bunching. That's life though," Andrew interviews.

"The Race has brought us closer together, we had a lot of fun. I think we can go home and try to live a better life. I'm going to definitely carry on with my studies to become a kindergarten teacher," says April.

"And I'll have plenty of experience for my next film project," says Andrew.

Uh-oh. Kids and cinema-goers of Ohio beware, here comes the April & Andrew menace.

My goodness, we're at the halfway point. Six teams left.

Teaser for Episode 8

Teams watch as water swirl clockwise, then counter clockwise.

Stuck in traffic, Randy loses his cool.

Anya with a copper bowl full of coins. "I have a natural affinity to money," she says.

Trouble with the Golden Couple. "I just think you shouldn't be shouting," says Buffy. "It's part of their culture, they expect it," Riley rebukes. "It's not a part of any culture to be rude," Buffy argues back.

Useful links & information

Usually I put in external links to tourist attractions, organizations, important places or activities I mention in the episodes. For this leg of the race, I am only including one link, as the entire leg is based on that time when my girl and I visited Kenya:

Our Kenya trip

Of course I did additional research, but if you want more information on the national parks and the Masaai and of course the animals, you'll just have to google it .

"You're the genius, so tell me why we see so many more stars in Africa," Tara asked as she settled down on the blanket they had spread on the grass in front of their tent.

"They're always up there, but usually most get drowned out by light pollution," Willow explained as she joined Tara on the blanket.

"Hmmm, I feel so peaceful, so quiet. I know tomorrow it's back to the stresses of the race, but I want to enjoy this moment," Tara said, snuggling closer to Willow.

Willow turned and kissed Tara on the forehead, cheeks, nose, lips and finally along her neck.

"See any new constellations?" she whispered into Tara's neck.

"Too crowded, can't even see the Big Pineapple or Pile o' Crackers. Best description I can think of is Giant Bowl of Popcorn," Tara laughs.

"You think of the funniest thing to say."

"Do I really?"

"Yes, except you're wrong about one thing."

"What's that?"

"I'm not the genius, you are. For thinking of coming out here, taking advantage of the surroundings."

"Sap."

"Your sap."

They laid close together, Tara's head on Willow's shoulder, watching the sky. Tara's hand absent-mindedly made circular patterns on Willow's stomach. Willow's hand traced a path from Tara's shoulder down her arm to her elbow, then up again. The touches that were at first gentle and fluttery turned sensuous slowly. Touches from the other had the tendency of doing that lately.

Willow suddenly giggled.

"You're spoiling the mood," Tara complained.

"I just had this image," Willow said, still in a chuckling mood.

"Of?"

"Mud and cow dung. All over us, like we'd been in a mudslide."

"Or mucking out at the stalls."

Willow made a face. "Nah, you'd never catch me in a stable, horse fear, remember?"

"I take it as a challenge," Tara had the beginnings of an 'evil' grin, or at least, 'planning something' grin. "What about I promise you a real hose-down after riding? Not like the few buckets of water from a barrel. A real, full-on, outdoors-y, get-water-all- over-us shower. With clothes."

"You're giving me images that are totally not commensurate with the peaceful African safari environment," Willow pouted.

Tara had a good idea what images were in Willow's mind, she was entertaining similar images herself. She made many mind pictures earlier at the village, when they were cleaning mud off themselves. They had taken advantage of some rare privacy to douse each other liberally with water and to express their admiration of the resultant sight. She and Willow had taken to sleeping in just panties since Switzerland, and so she was familiar with how easily the redhead's nipples could harden. It was a different view, and sensation, to feel them through a wet T-shirt though. She purred in appreciation at the thought.

Willow shifted and Tara slid up a little so they were face to face.

"MFEO," Tara said.

"Huh?"

"That's us, MFEO."

Willow's brows knitted in concentration as she tried to work out the meaning. "Oh honey, not another abbreviation test, my brain isn't working right now," she said.

"Made for each other," Tara smiled.

Willow had this stupid grin on her face. "Oh. Really?"

"Mmm," Tara sighed happily.

"You know what else we are?" Willow asked.

"No," Tara replied, still dreamy.

"Let me show you," Willow murmured as she moved in to capture Tara's lips.

Soft lips against soft lips, the intensity of emotions grew with each moment. Tara felt like her being, her core, her love were being drawn from the depths of her soul towards the kiss. Towards Willow.

She wanted more, she could sense Willow wanting more, their yearnings apparent by the heavier breathing, the increased heartbeat, the obvious tint of arousal in their eyes.

She slipped one hand inside Willow's loose T-shirt, easily cupped one breast in her palm, and was rewarded with the most pleasurable sigh.

They had been there before, with the touching and stroking, but now was time for more. It's time. She just knew.

She eased Willow's T-shirt up until it was bunched at her shoulders. She lowered her mouth to one nipple while rolling the other into a tight point.

Willow let out a whimper. "What if-, other people-" she managed to squeak out.

"It's dark, we're in a secluded corner," Tara hummed into the center of her attention.

"They'll hear."

"You'll have to be quiet then, no screaming unless it's my name. And then you can be as loud as you like."

"Scream-, baby, are you sure?"

Tara showed her lover her certainty by switching breast and biting down onto the hard nub. Her hand strayed to grasp Willow's ass tighter towards her and she slipped one thigh between Willow's.

Willow somehow managed to gather remnants of her wits. She took Tara's hand and eased her head up from her breast, sighing at the loss of contact.

"Are you sure?" she asked seriously.

"Yes, yes," Tara nodded. "I know I said we should wait for the perfect time, but I can feel it, Will. Remember your journal entry from last night? About how everything about Africa is different – the smells, food, people, even flowers? I want to make it Special, I want us to look back at Africa and remember it as the place where we confirmed our love. I love you so much, I want to show you how much."

Willow's babble seemed to have conveniently gone into hiding. "Oh wow, Tara. I love you too, I can't even come close to describing how much," she could feel tears welling up.

Tara's eyes shone with the certainty of their union. No need for words anymore. She stood up and took Willow's hand in hers, their tent was only a couple of steps away but even so they felt like they could hardly wait. As soon as the flap was closed they were tearing at pesky clothes and falling to the soft safety of the bed. Lips, mouths, hands, fingers and feet were everywhere.

Legs wrapped around the other, slick centers sliding and rubbing against taut thighs, or each other, shooting bolts of pleasure that threatened to turn into uncontrollable screams. Firm fingers brushed against wetness, then plunging deep inside, thumbs firmly lodged against swollen clits.

As the flush of heat grew at the bottom of their stomach and flowed down their bodies to where their passions were being held, literally, in the palms of their hands, they knew they could come together. That their first time together, making love, would be so perfect, so in sync, so effortless, made the sensations even more powerful, their need for release even more intense.

They were seconds away now. So close. Coming, coming. Inner walls contracted and clutched, bliss took over as orgasms rode over one crest, then another, then another, seemingly not needing to stop and rest. Happiness spread from toes to fingers inside, moans turned into screams and screams turned into an endless torrent of unfettered laughter.

They came down slowly, savoring the gentle tremors that still buzzed through them at short intervals.

"MFEO," Willow sighed.

"Yes, my love, MFEO," Tara affirmed.

Episode recap

Thomson's Falls, in the western part of Kenya, was discovered in 1883 by Joseph Thomson, the first European to walk from Mombasa to Lake Victoria. Next to it is the Thomson's Falls Lodge, first built in the 1930's and still retaining much of the colonial atmosphere. At an altitude of 7800 feet, it is a popular base for high altitude training for international athletes. It was also the latest Pitstop on our racearoundtheworld.

Attention is on Willow & Tara, in a totally embarrassing and intrusive way.

"Well, aren't you going to tell us?" Anya asks pointedly. "They're such sweet people, you know normally you see PDA and you're like all, give me a break already. But they're not like that, though I think they act more discretely at home," she says in a voice- over.

"Not telling," Tara tries to fend her off. Willow grins.

"I'm going to bug you and bug you and bug you," Anya teases.

"Oh alright, Tara named a constellation after me," says Willow. "Tara has this habit of giving unconventional names to star systems, and she made up a name for me," she interviews.

If I have a buck for every time those two come up with something cute but not overly syrupy like that, I can retire from my day job and do this writing gig full time. And still have enough left over to be able to afford imported sourdough bread from Poilâne Paris.

Here's Phil's voice-over, just as endearing but in a different way. He wonders if Rupert & Randy can continue their winning streak, or if Xander & Anya can hold their alliance with Willow & Tara and avoid the pitfalls of coming last.

12.32am. Rupert & Randy take out their clue and find out that they are to drive towards Nairobi until they reach the equator. There they will get a certificate and their next clue. Randy's blonde coloring seems to be fading out, and he's not wearing any gel, leaving him with a quite pleasant sandy mop that's kinda cute, really.

12.40am. Willow & Tara appear a little bedraggled in crumpled, formerly colorful T- shirts. Looks like sleep deprivation from the night before is catching up with them, oh, a little KF kicking in? [/evil grin]

1.19am Adam & Oz in matching baseball caps, what an odd sight. Oz looks fine in a twelve year old sort of way, but on tall and serious Adam, something's off. I think he's more of a wide brimmed hat guy.

1.33am. Faith & Robin count out the money, they have $199. "We got complacent, and the competition is heating up, it's getting more difficult. But we're having a good time, the balloon flight this morning was unforgettable," says Robin.

2.17am. Buffy & Riley at the cluebox. "Now's the time to show the others what it means to be professional champions, if this involves coldly picking them out one by one, that's what we'll do," Riley says. A hell of a lot more convincing if they haven't been slipping position leg after leg. And, professional champions? You mean I can open up my Yellow Pages, look under "C" and find the numbers for a champion? And what does a champion do in this day and age?

2.28am. Xander & Anya, the last team to depart. Sixth place twice in a row, they can't afford one more slip up.

Even though it's dead of night, the sign at the side of the road is fully illuminated. It screams "You are Now Crossing the Equator" in large bold letters. There is a souvenir shop by the sign, with the obligatory sign that says "Get Your Equator Certificates Here! Fully Endorsed!" Endorsed by whom? What for?

What's new? Opening hours 8am to 5pm. Alright, let's get ready with the music. A one, a two, a one-two-three,

B-U-N-C-H-I-N-G, how much do we detest thee?
B-U-N-C-H-I-N-G, don't want you anywhere near.

Alright, alright, I never made the cheerleading squad. Didn't want to anyway, nyah nyah nyah.

Teams spread out their sleeping gear on the equator, or go back to their cars to sleep. They wake up early morning and have the not so envious task of getting ready using the rather basic facilities available.

"You prepare yourself for differences in standards when you go abroad, but the bathroom facilities here are, well, let's just say, pretty gross. Most of the time it's a hole in the ground, even though I prefer the hole to something I don't want to touch. We've been lucky, the first few nights were in hotels or campsites, this was the first time roughing it for me. I don't want to think how it'll be like if we go to India or another poor country," Buffy shudders.

At eight o'clock the shopkeeper comes out with, wait, a pink plastic basin and a matching bucket, one empty and the other filled with water. He gets everyone to gather round and explains about how water flows in different directions on either side of the equator. To illustrate he releases a plug set at the bottom of the basin and pours water from the bucket. Then he takes the team to the other side of the sign and repeats the procedure. On the face of it, the water does flow in different directions when flowing out through the plughole.

To be honest, the teams are more concerned with getting their certificates and the clue. While waiting for the man to painstakingly write the certificates out, we get a chance to find out more about this water effect from our resident scientist, Lovebird Willow.

"It's about as real as David Copperfield flying. Supposedly this is caused by the earth's rotation, something called the Coriolis Effect, but the full impact is felt only in large, slow moving systems like weather patterns. How water flows down a drain depends on how you pour the water, not due to the earth's rotation," she explains. Aha! Now we know.

They get their certificates, supposedly signed by some authorized signatory (yeah, the shopkeeper, authorized my right ear).

They also get their next clue that tells them to fly to Bangkok, Thailand and find Bangkok's tallest hotel. They are excited as hell as they run to their cars and proceed to drive to Nairobi, which Helpful and Sexy Phil tells us is 3 hours. Buffy must be pleased we're not going to India (yet, may be?).

They drive along fairly decent roads, although there are still some hellmouth-sized potholes. "I'm not going to miss these," Xander muses as Anya negotiates her way round one of those babies. "Do they have roads in Thailand? Man, I don't think my stomach can take any more," he whines.

What? Clearly, Xander, you are confusing Asia with Africa. You have never googled for Bangkok buildings or heard of the Mandarin Oriental in Bangkok, consistently voted Best Business Hotel in the world, have you. Sometimes I wish I'd paid more attention to my French teacher, so I can pass off as French, or Latvian, or whatever nationality that's as non-American as possible. Sheesh.

My attention, thankfully, returns to the teams arriving at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. Who wins first prize for consistently aggressive driving that brings his team first? Oooh pick me, Miss, pick me! The answer is Riley! But no, that's not right, hehehe, this time he is beaten by Adam's long legs. [*okay, we've been through this before. Long legs do not fast drivers make. Otherwise Uma Thurman will drive, you know, way faster than Michael Schumacher.*]

TallShort goes straight to the Kenya Airways counter, "When is the first flight to leave for Bangkok?" they ask. The ticket agent doesn't quite understand the rather basic question, and they spend a few minutes explaining. Eventually they book themselves on KQ230, leaving at 9.45pm. That's right. 9.45pm. Like, it's still mid-morning and they have an evening flight. "Everyone will get the same flight," Oz states.

Goldies arrive next and get on the same flight. "We're going to have to run fast to get out of the plane when we get to Bangkok," Riley reminds Buffy. No, not just the plane, there's the whole terminal and taxi stand business, FarmBoy.

The remaining four teams arrive and there's no trouble getting tickets. Anya, with her Geneva experience, and back on her "I'm a Shrewd" modus operandi, asks the agent about earlier flights. She is excited when she hears about a 7.25pm flight via Dubai. But her excitement is short-lived. "For a minute I thought I was onto something, but it turned out that the Dubai flight arrived an hour after the direct flight," she interviews.

There at the terminal, the current team alliances become apparent. The YDCs are no longer one coherent group. We have the Lovey-dovey Alliance and we have the athletes – Goldies and Efficiency. And then we have TallShort and R.Randy, who seem to have come together the way the last few people at dodgeball seem to always congregate together, safety in numbers I guess.

"We're thinking of finding a hotel," Tara says to Anya. I bite back a smartass remark about Lovebirds 'getting a room' as I see how tired they are, Willow in particular seems barely able to keep her eyes open. Ah, Killer Fatigue, how lovely to see you again.

Teams board the Kenya Air flight. "Wow, Ace, look at this," Faith points out to Robin. Oh, I didn't know there's a second hand market in planes, I really should check out ebay more often, may be I'll find myself a bargain. There are signs on the plane that have Air France and Korean Air labels, this 747 sure has done its rounds.

They settle in for a long flight. "We haven't slept much the last couple of nights, though we hate that all the teams are together, personally I'm glad for a few hours' of sleep," Willow says. She still looks to be under the thrall of KF though.

A lonely Amazing Yellow Line traverses the globe and lands in Thailand, the Land of Smiles. Bangkok airport is as hectic as Nairobi Airport, but there's a marked difference.

"Oh my god, we have real air-conditioning," Anya exclaims as she and Xander exit the plane first. Naturally there's a mad rush to the taxi-stand, with screams of "Taxi!" reverberating around the crowded concourse. Locals and other tourists wisely step out of the way.

Pirates get the first taxi and tell the driver to go to the Baiyoke Hotel. "We, actually, Willow and Tara found out about the hotel, back at the Holiday Inn Nairobi. It wasn't difficult, I'm pretty sure the other teams have the same information," Anya expositions. Well, with the what, eight or nine hours they have in Nairobi, any team that doesn't have that info should suffer a 24-hour time penalty, if you ask me.

No problems with the hotel, but getting there may be a problem. "Bangkok is nothing like what I expected," says Randy. "I had images of the King and I, you know, all royal palaces and docile Thai girls and elephants. Instead, I feel like I'm back home in New York, only with even more pollution and signs I don't understand. I only hope the traffic's not the same."

Oh Randy, be careful of offending the god of wishful thinking. Because that's exactly what you get for saying it out loud, you jinx everything. Next thing we see them stuck in a huge (or as Trump says, yoooge) traffic jam. [*Of course, the Donald would have had the road cleared for him, or lined with cheering supporters, or will get rescued by the Trumpticoptor.*] Unfortunately Randy is neither the Donald, his Viceroys, Boyfriend Bill or K-k-kelly, so he doesn't get red carpet treatment. He asks the taxi driver what's the matter but gets a shrug, he asks if there's another route and gets another shrug.

"Calm down. Looks like the traffic is thinning out a little," Rupert consoles him.

Randy's convinced the driver's deliberately trying to get more money out of them, or is being lazy. Or something. He just can't believe this is happening. He taps the driver and impatiently asks what's going on again, and gets a shrug and a stream of Thai this time. Look, Randy, Mr Taxi Driver doesn't want to be there either, give him a break. As for getting more fare, anyone who's ever taken a ride in a taxi can tell you he'll make more when he's not stationary.

"I was having a New York moment, but sitting there like lame ducks, it was frustrating," he interviews.

Meantime, some of the other teams, namely Pirates, Efficiency and Lovebirds, find taxis with GPRS, reach the Baiyoke Hotel and get their clue from the concierge. They are to find the Erawan Shrine and give traditional offerings to the four-faced statue there.

It's taxi time again.

In other news, TallShort and Goldies arrive at the hotel and get the clue.

In more other news, R.Randy seem to have cleared the traffic jam, they arrive at the hotel as well.

Phil, in glorious hotness that is off-white linen shirt and pants that are slightly Oriental in styling [*he must have gone shopping at Jim Thompson's.*], tells us that the Erawan Shrine is a holy place built to counter the supposed bad luck during the construction of the Grand Hyatt hotel next doors, and has remained in place because the locals believe a visit to the shrine brings them good luck. Teams need to purchase flower garlands or wooden elephants from the vendors outside the shrine and offer their purchases up for good luck.

Lovey-dovey Alliance walk through the smoke and incense that is the Erawan Shrine. Now I'm glad we don't have smell-o-vision, cos the thick incense smell will probably get me tripping so high that I won't come down from my sandcastles in the skies for days and days and what will you, my dear readers, do without my brilliant recaps? [*cough, cough, cough, that's enough of the self-congratulations you ego-freak.*]

As soon as they get off the taxi they are surrounded by women and children selling stuff, shades of Narok here. They buy garlands, offer them up to the four-faced statue and receive a clue that tells them to make their way to Wat Po, Bangkok's oldest temple.

"Let's get out of here, I don't want to smell like I've walked through a volcano," Anya complains.

"I think it's nice, shows how devoted the worshippers are," says Tara. Anya shoots her a 'you're kidding me' look but stays tight-lipped.

On their way out they pass Efficiency getting out of their taxi. They get their clue and reveal there's a Yield ahead.

TallShort. Adam towering over the women selling their garlands and statues, while Oz seems to be buried in a sea of women. "Caution, Yield ahead," they inform us again. Oh how I hate these Yields, they do nothing for the Race. Kill Yields!

Goldies de-taxi and are mobbed. "Flowers for Brahma," says one woman hawker, shoving a bunch of garlands in their faces and tries to put one over Riley's head. "Buy flowers," she insists.

"Get off me!" yells Riley, as he tries to shake her off. She is more used to this than he is, the more he brushes her off the more she says "buy flowers. Beautiful flowers."

"They're not beautiful, look at them, they're rotten and torn. I'm not buying this and don't touch me you stupid woman," he spats.

Buffy intervenes and buys a garland off the woman, who gives Riley the evil-eye before leaving. Buffy doesn't even try to bargain.

"You're just encouraging them," he snarls.

"We need to buy an offering, it's in the clue," Buffy points out.

"We could have bought from someone else, not that, that bitch," he says.

"They have to make a living, besides I think you shouldn't be shouting at her," says Buffy.

"It's part of their culture, they expect it," Riley rebukes.

"It's not a part of any culture to be rude," Buffy argues back. She storms off with the offering, cutting off any retort from Riley.

We've had what, seven seasons of TAR now, and some aspect of the Intolerable Traveler always show up at some point. I understand it goes both ways, that in some countries the harassment can become unbearable. But how difficult is it to shake your head and walk away? Calling people names, that's never smart.

Amongst the dramarama, R.Randy also arrive and get the clue.

Like Phil says, Wat Po is an old and important temple in Bangkok. Now in, say, Stamford CT (where we started the Race), having a temple with a buddha statue will be enough to attract tourists and the faithful. But in a city that has a temple [*wat, they call them wats, watty. And I so couldn't resist that.*] seemingly on every street corner, you have to do more to stand out.

That doesn't include having a huge yellow Yield sign at your entrance gate, but that's what the Lovey-dovey Alliance find when they de-taxi. They choose not to exercise the Yield, which is acceptable for me, at this stage of the race a Yielded team will probably catch up and nobody wants to waste it.

Just behind the eye-catching Yield sign is an eye-catching cluebox. At the cluebox they learn it's the Clinking Coins Roadblock, where the designated person will have to go to the giant reclining buddha, pick up a copper bowl full of coins, and drop the coins one by one into smaller bowls arranged all along its length.

Now this statue, it's like 150 feet long and 40 feet high, with the buddha leaning back on his elbows. It's also covered in gold and is a pretty impressive sight. Hmmm, I'm thinking this may be what Wat Po is famous for, and what attracts the tourists and faithful. May be, hmmm? [*stop being sarcastic, no one understood the joke.*]

Oh, there's a twist. There are 108 small bowls altogether, but the number of coins in the large bowl may not be exactly 108. The Coinblocker must find one that has exactly that number, there can't be any shortage, or excess, when they get to the end of the line. If they don't have exactly 108, they have to go back and start again. It's all about luck, and which bowl they pick. Awesome.

Anya takes it for the Pirates. "I have a natural affinity to money," she says as she enthusiastically starts dropping coins into the small bowls.

Tara is the Lovebirds' representative and also starts, concentration apparent on her face.

Clink clink clink. Not enough coins. Too many coins. Go back to the beginning. It's mind-boggingly numb, watching them. By the start of Anya's third attempt and Tara nearly finishing her second, Efficiency arrive. Faith takes it for her team. Now there's a small jam as they shuffle along the line o' bowls.

TallShort arrive, Oz volunteers, perhaps cos he's smaller and less intrusive? Or has smaller hands so it's easier to handle the coins? [*Huh?*]

Goldies make their entrance and note they haven't been Yielded. "It's the second time I'm tempted to yield Randy, but I have to think strategically and this is not the right time," Riley voice-overs. Riiiight, strategically as opposed to what? Emotionally? The words coming out of Riley's mouth today, perhaps that's a form of KF, or I might just be too generous to him.

Buffy is the chosen one. "I'm going to be the slayer on this task," she says. The god of wishful thinking splashes water in the bathtub and reaches for a fluffy towel.

Anya's affinity to money does work out, she gets it right in her fourth attempt. Whoop! They go. And get a clue telling them to fly to Singapore and find the no signboard at the two durians. They puzzle over what a 'due-ryan' is, but decide it's better to ask at the airport. They hop into a taxi. "Go fast!" they instruct.

Faith gets it in three. Yay Efficiency!

R.Randy arrive and Rupert opts to take the task.

Tara and Oz finish almost together. "It took me five tries!" Tara exclaims to Willow as they pick up their backpacks. "You did great, baby," Willow smiles and gives Tara an encouraging squeeze.

Adam & Oz get into their taxi. They don't call each other "baby" or give each other encouraging hugs but I sense Adam is pleased with Oz's performance anyway.

Buffy is becoming increasingly frustrated. She has too many coins. Or too few. In the middle of the task, she drops the copper bowl and coins roll out all over the floor, making clinking and jingly sounds. It's endless, she never seems to pick the bowl with the right number of coins. Riley looks on with steam coming out of his ears.

Adam & Oz have a little taxi problem, their driver has pulled into a gas station. Ah, the Need for Fuel scenario that is a must in every TAR season. "What are you doing?" Adam asks the driver. Okay, Adam, I've harbored a grudging admiration for you and your team-mate so far, but asking the obvious? So not like you.

"We need to hurry," Oz presses the driver.

"Okay, I no charge you big fare," the driver answers. Which doesn't make sense. What's a big fare? As opposed to small fare? Big as in Adam-sized and small like Oz? They smartly pushes him about what he means, and ends up getting a discount. But time lost is forever gone, so they'd better get going quickly.

Back at the Reclining Buddha, Rupert triumphantly finishes. Randy flashes a 'beat that, sucker' smirk at Riley who by now has the look of death on him (or that he's constipated, it's the same look). Buffy soldiers on, what can she do? Drop, clink. Drop, clink. Story of her life. "I simply couldn't find the bowl with the right number of coins, I kept trying and trying, somebody didn't like me today," she interviews.

Xander & Anya at the airport, looking for flights to Singapore. The next one is on Thai Airways flight TG409, departing 1515, they have 13 minutes to make the gate.

I'm looking at airtimetable.com and I count 22 flights, I kid you not, 22 flights between Bangkok and Singapore a day. The earliest at 0710 and the last one at 1940. At around the 3 o'clock mark, which seems to be the time teams arrive at the airport, there are flights almost every hour. It's the plane version of going to Penn station and looking for a train to Hicksville, which, in case you've never had the pleasure of experiencing the 'lovely' Long Island Rail Road, is around 4 trains an hour.

Faith & Robin at the airport, they get the Thai flight by the skin of their teeth. Xander & Anya, needless to say, are none too happy to see their biggest competition on the same plane.

Willow & Tara at the airport. Too late for the 1515, they're told there's one at 1600 on Singapore Airlines. "Let's see if there's an earlier flight on a smaller airline," Tara says, turning her eyes to the large departure board.

Willow is definitely suffering from KF because she seems glued to the Singapore counter. "It's close enough, let's just get on this flight," she says, sounding very tired.

"There may be one a little earlier that buys us 20 minutes, we're already behind Xander & Anya and probably Faith & Robin," Tara urges.

Willow takes a deep breath but doesn't make a move.

"Will! Snap out of it!" Tara almost shouts.

Willow looks at her girlfriend with surprise and a little astonishment. Then she does snap out of it and smiles sheepishly. "Sorry honey, let's go," she says. "I was definitely suffering from lethargy at that point, it's been a long few days, with not a lot of sleep, jet lag and change in surroundings. I'll have to work harder to get my second wind," she interviews.

Tara's insistence pays off, they find a 1540 on SAS. "Not an airline you'd expect to be flying from Bangkok to Singapore, but it did get us into Singapore 25 minutes before the SQ flight," Tara smiles, happy at the result.

All together now: Tara is a Star!

Adam & Oz get the 1600 SQ7, getting in at 1925.

Rupert & Randy race up to the SQ counter, they miss the 1600 by minutes. They plead, they beg, they use the 'emergency' trick, but no can do sirs. [*at least they didn't use 'doctoro'.*] The next one is at 1720 on Garuda Indonesia (an interesting name for an airline, I must look up what 'garuda' means).

Wait? Where are the Goldies? Why, still at Wat Po, still at Coinblock. Karma coming back at Riley for his insensitivity at the shrine, but poor Buffy is the one suffering. She's tired and totally flagging. "C'mon, babe, you gotta do this," he tries to prop her up. "I'm trying," she whimpers. "Try harder," he admonishes. "This is too difficult," she continues. "You gotta do this," he says. "I can't," she sobs.

Will they make the flight? Will they? Will they?

Of course they do. But not after we have commercials, naturally. Like I'm stupid.

The Amazing Yellow Lines make their way the short distance between Bangkok and Singapore. I can't believe how narrow that bottom part of Thailand is. In case we're confused, Phil summarizes:

• Xander & Anya and Faith & Robin on the 1515 on Thai TG409, arriving 1835
• Willow & Tara on the 1540 on SAS SK973, arriving 1900
• Adam & Oz on the 1600 on Singapore SQ7, arriving 1925
• Rupert & Randy and Buffy & Riley on the 1720 on Garuda GA853, arriving 2045

We're now Singapore, otherwise known as that tiny red dot at the tip of the Malaysia peninsula. If Bangkok is sprawling chaos, Singapore is sterile affluence. One of the richest nations in that part of the world, Singapore just celebrated 40 years of independence and in 2004 was voted the best managed city in the world. [*how do you, like, manage a city, do you give it tasks and do quarterly performance appraisals?*] The flipside is that her citizens have traded off certain personal liberties in exchange for the prosperity. But to most Singaporeans, what's a little apathy and censorship when they can live their lives in peace and enjoy a high standard of living?

There are certain groups that don't enjoy such freedom, including anyone opposed to the government and basically people who don't think or act like the sheep the government wants them to be, for instance the 'deviants against the order of nature' that is the GLBT community. But this is not the place to talk at length about that.

Returning to our Racers. They are suitably in awe. "What a wonderful airport, everyone speaks English, there's definitely a very western feel about Singapore," Robin explains.

They beeline towards the information counter and are told the 'durians' can be found at the Esplanade concert hall, so called because the buildings are shaped like one of those spiky fruits. I hope they don't smell like them, oh man, I can totally remember the smell of durians. People who love them simply can't get enough, people who hate them simply can't get far away enough, I've never seen mere fruit evoke such polar reactions. I just hope they don't have eating durians for a task, hmmm, then again they may.

The first two teams arrive and get onto taxis. After the self-driving in Europe and the matatu roller-coasters in Africa, it's perhaps fitting that they enter the land of taxis in Asia. And friendly drivers who engage them in conversation!

"You going camping?" the taxi driver asks Efficiency, eyeing their backpacks.

"No, just on a trip around the world," Faith answers.

"Ah, I know," Mr Driver says. "It's on tv, my son loves it."

They have TAR in Singapore? Yes, I'm told they also have Survivor, American Idol (and their own Singapore Idol), The Bachelor, The Apprentice, The Simple Life, Joe Millionaire and Extreme Makeover, amongst others. And that's on terrestrial tv. Okay, can you seriously overdose on reality tv? I think so, if you watch Singapore tv.

He drops Faith & Robin off at the Esplanade, and true enough, the roof looks exactly like giant pillows covered with sharp spikes. Wouldn't want to accidentally fall on top of them, my butt will hurt too much. [*that is, if you're a giant the size of these huge babies.*]

They run inside to enquire about the 'no signboard', which turns out to be the name of a seafood restaurant inside the complex. They get the next clue a few minutes before Pirates, and find that it's a Detour.

In this Detour teams choose between Text Your Way or Serve Your Way. In Text, teams take part in one of Asia's fasting growing obsessions, text messaging, and solve the riddle of "What are the 5Cs that Singaporeans look for?" by following clues texted to them on a cellphone. In Serve, teams play their part in another Singaporean pastime, eating, by traveling 4 miles to a housing estate, purchasing 5 meals from the local hawker food stalls and delivering them to 5 different units in the estate.

Both Pirates and Efficiency pick the food delivery and open the envelope to find their 'menu'. "I could recognize some of the dishes, like chicken satay, but have no idea what popiah or char kway teow are," Anya says. She pronounces char kway teow slowly, trying to hit each syllable, but not doing too well.

Lovebirds at the airport, they hop on a taxi to the concert hall and get to the Detour. They decide to do Text. "We text each other all the time, I knew getting on the same network will come in handy one day," Willow grins. They pick up their cellphone and press the necessary key combination to indicate they're ready. The message comes back bsmt 1 tckt mch. "Basement 1 ticket machine," Willow's eyes shine the brightest we've seen all day.

They get to the ticket machines and get the first "C", C1:how u pA. "How you pa?" asks Tara. "No, not pa…pay! How you pay. How do you pay, oh, credit card," Willow whoops. And they have their first "C" out of five.

Their second clue tells them they need to find suntec yeLo z0n bsmt3 jag 3-09 licns. Wow, that's hard. They run off to get help. At the lobby of the concert hall, they find a couple of ushers, who recognize the first part of the clue and tell them that Suntec City is a large office/shopping mall complex only a few minutes' walk away, the complex is split into different colored zones. "Yellow zone, basement 3!" Willow exclaims, that girl has found her second wind. They wonder what 'jag 3-09' mean. "We'll find out when we get there," Tara says.

Hey, this Detour is kewl! It's not 'take this form of transport and go there', it actually uses a little brainpower, and I think will suit the Lovebirds.

Meanwhile the food deliverers have reached the hawker center and decide on the most prudent strategy when you have to buy stuff you can't pronounce in a foreign country – get a fern. Efficiency asks a young man even more well muscled than them while Pirates corner a group of teenagers. "Can you help us with these food purchases?" Anya asks, very to the point she is.

MuscleFern takes Efficiency round the various stalls while TeenFerns split up and quickly help Pirates make their orders. Then it's just a question of waiting for the cooks to finish cooking. Robin, in particular, is very interested in the unusual food and is amazed at how quickly the cook can assemble a dish, especially in the confines of a small space. "Wow, these places are clean, cheap and the food looks and smells great. My restaurant can learn a thing or two from them," he says.

Efficiency get their first meal, a chicken satay set, then hurry to the second stall to get more chicken, this time roast chicken with rice.

Pirates find out what char kway teow is, it's fried rice noodles with meat & veg, an enticing looking combination, especially piping hot from the cook's wok. They move off to find mutton murtabak, a kind of curry.

Efficiency get their last dish, nasi lemak, a combination of coconut rice, fish, chicken wing, egg and condiments.

Pirates are at the same stall and get the coconut rice, together with an order of popiah, a thin rice roll that looks like a giant white spring roll. Wait, did Efficiency forget this? It seems so, cos they're at the exit of the hawker center and they're checking to see they have everything, and discover they've missed the popiah. They run back, although not as quickly as usual cos they're carrying a plethora of containers of people's dinners.

Elsewhere, Adam & Oz arrive, make their way to Esplanade and decide on the Text Detour. They follow the message to the basement 1 ticket machine and spend a few minutes figuring out the answer of C1:credit card. They're even more puzzled at the second message. Uh-oh. "Are you sure we should be doing this?" Oz asks. "I'm not sure," says Adam.

Lovebirds at Suntec Yellow Zone Basement 3, the carpark. They guess correctly that 3-09 is a parking spot and they need the 'licns', or license plate. "Let's key it in," Willow is definitely taking the lead on this Detour. Yay! Here's the next "C", C2:d licns iz 4 a?. "The license is for a? Car of course." Woot! she is on a roll.

Straight-away they get the third clue, to go to a bank and key in the branch code, which is displayed on a small plaque outside. They do that and get the third "C" riddle, C3:u cn git dis frm an atm. They get the answer of Cash easily. Cash, Car, Credit Card. 5Cs. Hmmm, I see a pattern here.

TallShort are still struggling with the second text message, the helpful ushers have disappeared. They try at a nearby ice cream shop and the helpful scoopers direct them to Suntec City.

Back with the food deliverers, they make their way around the maze of apartment blocks. Efficiency make their first delivery, but get no tips. Bad people! A few minutes later, Pirates knock on the same door and deliver more food, they don't get any tips either.

And so on. Efficiency at one apartment. Pirates in another. "These apartments are really small, but we're told the majority of locals live in estates like this. I'd hate to have neighbors so close," says Anya.

Cut to Lovebirds at their 4th clue, C4:most xclusve addr, lvng n lap f luxury. "What the frilly heck?" Willow mutters. They find a Pizza Hut and ask for help with the clue. "What's C4? Some sort of explosive?" someone with pizza all over his fingers asks. Hey buddy, you're supposed to be helping, not passing sarcastic remarks. They explain they're supposed to be looking for the 5Cs. An atom bomb explodes above the guy's head, "Cash, Car, Credit Card, Club, Condo," he recites. Hey dude! You're not supposed to do that! Well, there are no rules that say he can't. What are Willow & Tara supposed to do? Clamp his mouth shut as soon as he starts? Apart from the hygiene factor (guy's got pizza all over him after all) they won't be quick enough, and they can't exactly erase what they hear from their minds, right?

They thank him, I get the feeling even though they are grateful for his help, they can't wait to get out of his vicinity. "We had help from someone at Suntec City, he basically blurted out all the answers, but we followed the clues anyway," Tara explains. They key in 'condo' and get the next clue, C5/Clue:hom frm hom, a slice of apple pI n scotts rd. "We need a map," they say.

Pirates get to their final delivery and receive the next clue. "Make your way to the American Club at Scott's Road," Whoa, we're back to spoon-fed clues, I praised the Amazing Producers too soon.

Efficiency finish not long after, but have difficulties hailing a taxi. The ones that are empty are not picking up passengers, they claim to be on call. One of the posters on the forum explained that in Singapore, taxi drivers get a small additional fee for callouts, so they cruise around, not picking up street customers, until they get a dispatch. Oh, frustrating.

TallShort get C2 and C3. They too, puzzle over C4. Let's hope they find PizzaGuy too.

Pirates and Lovebirds arrive at the American Club. The Lovey-dovey Alliance is reunited. The clue tells them to go to the beach at Sentosa Island which is the Pitstop for this leg of the race. More taxi adventures.

A kind person calls a taxi for Efficiency, good use of locals there. They get to the American Club and ask the driver to wait for them. Good, good, good, I like it when teams learn on the job.

After commercials who do we see arriving at the airport? It's Goldies and R.Randy, we see it's 9.25pm. Oh my, the flight got in 40 minutes late. That's bad, very bad. Cost- you-the-race bad.

Luckily they have no problems getting taxis to the Esplanade. "We met a Singaporean businessman on the plane, he told us about the Esplanade and that the No Signboard is a famous restaurant inside, so we're hopeful we can pick up some time," Rupert expositions.

They get to the Detour and both teams decide to go for the food delivery. "I wish we had Mr Tan with us, wouldn't it be funny if he lives at this housing estate?" Randy says to Rupert. "I think he's quite anxious to get back to his wife and daughters," Rupert answers.

Riley doesn't do so well at the food stalls, he can't communicate properly with the locals. I don't think it's the English, I think it's the way he's rushing his words cos he's so tense. Buffy takes over and shows the list to the cook. "Communication hasn't been great today between us or with other people. There's definitely a little strain showing in our relationship," Buffy says.

Night shot of Singapore, with modern office buildings, gyrating dancers and families tucking into dinner. At the bottom of Singapore is another small island devoted purely to leisure and fun. This is the island paradise of Sentosa.

There on a beach of pristine white sand (imported I'm told) is Phil, in crisp whites, like he's the manager of the Raffles Hotel. He tells us that this is the Pitstop and the last team to arrive may be eliminated.

Hey! It's Willow & Tara, who have obviously lucked out on a faster taxi driver. Welcome, team number one, you've won a vacation to the Mediterranean. Oh my god, they're so pleased. "We started the day, well, I started the day, bone-tired. But we had a lucky break with flights and did well on the tasks. We're so excited to be in Singapore, looking forward to more," Willow interviews, looking more refreshed. Playing with text messages can do that to you, huh?

We see Xander & Anya running up, even as Lovebirds are on the Bathmat. Yay to the Lovey-dovey Alliance! They're mighty happy to be team number two. "It's a nice feeling, to be back in the top half, to think we were almost eliminated last leg," Xander smiles.

Faith & Robin arrive and check in as team number three. "Just having a delay with cabs can cause you one, even two spots, we have to be stronger from now on," Robin says.

Adam & Oz finish their Detour, find the American club, get to Sentosa. They're team number four, but are a little behind the other three teams.

Now we have a little competition between R.Randy and Goldies, a place in the final five is at stake. They rush to deliver their food, passing each other a few times in the corridors of the apartment blocks. Oh, Randy has also learnt his taxi lesson, as they get their last clue they ask for help to get a cab.

This little trick gives them a slight edge, they get to the American club, then Sentosa, before Goldies. Phew! Rupert & Randy, you're team number five.

Buffy & Riley finally run up to Phil, they look deflated. Phil does a mild eyebrow plop, thinking, why are you giving up, you haven't been philminated yet. And true enough, this is the second of three pre-determined Non-Elim legs and the Goldies are still in the Race.

Somehow, I don't think they're caring that much at that particular moment.

Teaser for Episode 9

Taxigate, again. Riley being rude, again. "No, we don't have room for you."

Anya throws up over the side of a tiny boat rocking to and fro over gray choppy waters.

Randy and Oz appreciate the assets of several bikini-clad beauties.

All that, plus Zorbing!

Useful links & information

Kenya
Does my bath water flow the other way in the Southern Hemisphere

Bangkok:
Erawan Shrine
Wat Po

Singapore:
Durians
Singapore food

They are clowns, virgins, former CIA operatives, retirees, models, 'little people' and Harvard Law graduates. They come in all shapes and sizes, older couples have a habit of surprising everyone with their resilience. We haven't seen new couplings, though there's been two proposals and a fair share of breakups.

These are the people who are willing to give up weeks of their time to race around the world to win a million dollars.

When The Amazing Race ("TAR") first appeared on our screens during the fall of 2001, it did not attract the type of attention that its sister reality TV shows like Survivor or Big Brother enjoyed. But like Apple Computers, a good vintage of Pinot Noir and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it soon developed a loyal following who were fiercely protective of their 'little gem'.

The first season, upon repeat viewing, was more raw and at times lacked the slickness of later seasons: the production staff were learning how to be 'amazing'. But the Racers were interesting and the challenges actually, well, challenging.

Then it started winning Emmys. And with that the attention of the casual viewer and, more importantly to the network executives, the media and the advertisers. As a result, quality dropped precipitously in the name of higher ratings: Racers were cast based on looks or controversial 'hooks' (or were rejects from Survivor auditions); tasks became easier; they aired 3 exhausting races virtually back-to-back.

Things looked bleak for the purists. Until this season. Generally considered the best since TAR Classic (as Season 1 is known), twelve teams traveled from the East Coast of the US to England, France, Italy, Switzerland, Kenya, Thailand and are currently in Singapore.

Pepper has been avid followers of the race. TAR has always been gay friendly, from the still-popular Guidos from TAR1 to Chip & Reichen, the winners of TAR4. However this is the first time there's been a female couple, in the form of the winners of Leg #8, 'More than Friends' Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay. Amazingly, or perhaps not, in a season that contains a host of young dating or married couples, this is the pairing that has caught the imagination of the viewing public.

"They're so cute, and so obviously in love, it's a privilege to be there, experiencing them getting closer," says Evelyn Cho of Club 71, a popular gay and lesbian club in San Francisco. Cho organizes TAR viewing parties at the club each week and it's packed to the brim every time.

Willow lives in Oakland, has Cho ever seen her at the club? "No, from the articles and interviews I've seen, I don't think she or Tara were out when they started the race. If they decide to visit us sometime, we'll throw them the biggest welcoming party since that time the mayor legalized gay marriages," Cho says enthusiastically.

Certainly the twenty-somethings have become role models for many young gays, desperate to find people in the public eye they can look up to, even if they are not A-, or even B-list celebrities.

"One of the reasons people identify with them is they are real people, well, as real as you can get on TV. They come across as very nice people," Cho adds.

Is the niceness real or manufactured? Are they getting the Kris & Jon Sweetheart Edit? Like any TV program worth its salt, TAR has villains, good guys and comic relief. Unlike other TV programs, the producers have no idea how their carefully chosen cast will behave until the cameras start rolling. To compensate, they give the racers "personality" using some nifty editing – people who are quite nice in real life are portrayed as evil or annoying or bumbling fools. Just ask Life Partners Joe Baldassare and Bill Bartek ("Team Guido"), who were universally hated during TAR1, but turn out to be the nicest people, like, ever.

"That hurt for about two seconds, then we laughed about it. We knew we would be portrayed as the bad guys because of our 'all or nothing' attitude. But look at us, seven seasons later and there's still only one Team Guido!" Joe said via email.

The Guidos agree that TAR has been good to the gay sector and are excited to see another couple doing well. "The race is based on how quickly you get from point A to point B and how well you handle the tasks and the traveling. Age, race, sex or orientation have little impact."

In that respect, Willow's intelligence and advanced computer skills have given Team Lovebirds (as one online recapper calls them) superior advantage on more than one occasion. It took her mere minutes to complete the computer task in leg #1, and she was the only racer to think of searching the internet for an unfamiliar painting in leg #3. That's not to say her partner is a slacker either, when they suffered the humility of coming last on a non-elimination leg, and with the prospect of having no money for a leg to be held in one of the most expensive countries in the world, Tara used her artistic talent to earn them precious funds by setting up an impromptu portrait stall on the sidewalk.

The revelers at Club 71 don't believe Team Lovebirds are receiving a special edit. "You can't edit in things that are not there, so if they are really that nice, that's all you see," says one teenage patron, decked out in flowery, un-coordinated, hippie girl clothing that is a sort of trademark of the couple.

Not hard to believe, from a group that swoon everytime the couple appear – that's right, I said swoon, you have to be there at the club to feel the love – a huge "awwww" accompanies their every single screen moment. Seeing the heartwarming affection and support they show each other, whether partially hidden amongst cherry trees, or hand- feeding a baby leopard, or reverently making a religious offering in a Thai temple, one can't help but join in. It's like the whole club has a crush, know that the objects of their affection are firmly out of reach, but are crushing anyway.

There is no question that they enjoy strong support and an almost awestruck following in the GLBT community, but what of the world at large? One of their reasons for coming on the race is to see if their long distance romance will work out. Willow lives in Oakland, Tara in Birmingham. They met while working together on a BBC web animation series but have not made a firm commitment to stay together, siting reasons such as distance, work and the fear of rejection from their families.

If their families didn't know about the romance before the current season started airing, they will certainly know about it now. Perhaps it wasn't the best way to come out of the closet, but then again, the ploy has worked out, judging by the overwhelmingly positive coverage by the mainstream media.

"Probably the nicest couple on the Amazing Race since Kris & Jon, and showing a more competitive edge than that long distance dating couple," said Entertainment Weekly.

"In this day and age, it seems wrong that this couple should fear discrimination or have doubts cast on their relationship. Come on, Willow and Tara, open your eyes and look at the other teams. Do you think I'm going to cheer for the nasty stunt-casted Riley, the even nastier Snyder or the bland Faith & Robin, when I have you? I may be an old and cynical armchair tube critic, but I'm not blind. Win the race, settle down and have half a dozen kids, that'll make this old heart happy," said Olga Mensch, TV Crictic of the San Diego Daily News.

Competition for the million dollar prize is fierce. Amongst the remaining teams are four athletes, two all-male teams (stronger at physical tasks) and their allies, Xander and Anya Harris of Oxnard, CA, who are probably leading the field in terms of highest placed finishes. It won't be easy. These teams have successfully negotiated Europe and Africa, Asia is always challenging because of the language, crowds and hectic pace. Where will they go next? Who will be the first team to cross the finish line? It's riveting TV, and we at Pepper have no qualms about joining the hundreds of Lovebird fan club fanatics in wishing Team Lovebirds the best of luck.

It's more than just a trip around the world, it's a life changing experience.

Next week, we look at some of the more exotic locations that the Amazing Race has visited. Don't miss the exciting new issue, coming to your inbox soon!

The Amazing Race airs Tuesdays at 9pm ET/PT on CBS.

Author's note:
Pepper Magazine is a fictional (as in, I made the name up) weekly e-zine covering the quirky and the alternative, with a definite rainbow slant. Any similarities to actual or past magazines or publications are unintentional.

Episode recap

Singapore, with a GDP growth that outshines many western country, despite having virtually no natural resources and only one climate, was the latest leg of a race around the world.

Not a lot of Pitstop footage, just a brief eating sequence of teams slurping down some steaming noodles. The standard rhetorical question from Phil, of whether Willow & Tara, who have finished 1-2-1 in the last 3 legs, will be able to maintain that position. Or if Buffy & Riley, who have been 3-5-6 and will start the next leg with no money, will be able to reverse their slide. Phil needs to come up with some better narrative, not to mention change out of that hideous see-through white shirt he's wearing. He's hot and all, but I don't want to be seeing more spots than I already am.

Oh, and it's pissing down with rain.

9.02am. Willow & Tara rip open the clue to learn that they are to find their way to Sandakan in Malaysian Borneo and find the Rotary Observation Pavilion. They're shivering in the rain but stand aside to wait for Pirates to step up to the cluebox.

9.04am. And we have Xander & Anya. The Lovey-dovey Alliance set off together to get taxis to the airport. "We're still working with the girls, doing what we can to get each other into the final three, and then it's each team for their own. We have an understanding," Anya in a voice-over. If it ain't broke, why fix it? I think the alliance has held up surprisingly well, but I wonder if the girls, as Anya calls them, will be sufficiently ruthless in the final run-in if it comes down to a fight to the death with the Pirates. I hope that's not the end of them.

9.16am. Faith & Robin count out the money. They have $135 for this leg of the race. "If this were a marathon, this is where the Wall starts hitting. Faith and I are trained and prepared for this, we've run the perfect strategy so far, letting the others set the pace and following closely behind. We just need to start kicking at the right time," Robin voices over.

The L-D Alliance arrive at the airport and manage to squeeze onto a Malaysian Airlines 1005 flight to Kuala Lumpur, where they will connect to the flight to Sandakan via Kota Kinabalu. Hey, give me a cookie for getting these names right, will ya.

Team Efficiency arrive too late, the flight has already closed, they have to make do with a Air India 1100 flight to Kuala Lumpur, where they have a 5 minute window to catch the same Kota Kinabalu flight as the L-D Alliance. "We'll try our best, time to put our best running shoes on, baby," says Faith.

10.11am. Adam & Oz, in cute ponchos! Snerk. They drip their way into their taxi.

11.05am. Rupert & Randy, looking like they've been hit by the Wall already. Rupert, the oldest remaining Racer, is certainly feeling the strain. "Physically I'm in the best shape of my life, but I'm not as spry as I used to be, luckily my son has been supportive," he interviews. Estranged father and son my ass.

11.13am. Buffy & Riley. Blah blah blah no money cakes. Blah blah blah begging at hotel cakes. Nothing new. What annoys me is, they get a good response from their victims, cos a few people recognize them. *coughfamewhorescough* If they get asked for autographs I'm going to throw my remote at the tv. They are lucky that the non-Elim is in Singapore. Imagine if they are stuck back at the camp in Kenya, who's there to recognize you, Goldies?

"We had a lot of help in Singapore, the locals were generous," Riley interviews.

"Riley is a super-competitive person, that's why he is so successful in what he does. If he sometimes comes across as pushy, that's his competitiveness. I won't have him any other way," Buffy gushes. Oh you poor misguided fool, you think you know what you should do, you're losing your point of view.

All three teams get tickets to Kuching where they will connect to Kota Kinabalu then Sandakan. Problem is, that flight leaves at 1325, leaving a big gap between this group and the group in front.

At Kuala Lumpur, the flight to Kota Kinabalu is delayed by 15 minutes, allowing Efficiency to make it. So now the teams are split evenly into two groups of 3 teams.

Amazing Yellow Lines show the flight paths. It's disconcerting to have to fly north, then double back east, rather than straight, but that's how flying is sometimes.

4.20pm. The first group arrive at Sandakan and pile into taxis for the Rotary Observation Pavilion, a lookout point near the center of town. No problem getting the next clue. It's an early Detour, with a choice between Dive Down or Climb Up. In Dive Down, teams travel by boat to Pulau Lankayan, a tiny remote island off the coast of Sandakan and take part in one of the most popular activities in the area – diving. In Climb Up, teams drive themselves to the Gomantong caves, home to millions of bats and swiflets, and climb up narrow bamboo ladders to reach the roof of the cave 50 feet up.

All three teams opt for Dive Down. "Narrow ladders sound dangerous," says Xander.

They get to the harbor and onto speedboats. The sea looks gray and choppy and the little boats small and frail, it's going to be a tough journey. "How far is it to Lankayan?" Faith asks. "About an hour ma'am," says the boatman. Even Robin blanches at the prospect of an hour bouncing up and down in those rickety beasts.

Xander & Anya talk about whether they should switch Detours. "It's up to you," says Xander. "I get seasick, but we knew that if we switched the remaining teams might catch up, so I decided to brave it," Anya explains. "How hard can it be?" Ooops, famous last words.

Next shot is Anya violently throwing up over the boat bobbing precariously in the rough waters. 'Nuff said.

They endure the ride and acquire a ghastly shade of seasick green upon disembarkation, especially Anya, who is helped off the speedboat by the crew. Any worries about whether she can do the dive is put to rest, as they come to the dive center and the ever taunting sign: "Hours of Opening: 8am to 5pm."

Xander & Anya are visibly relieved. "I'm not sure I can do this again tomorrow," Anya whimpers.

Faith & Robin are clearly disappointed at the delay. They ask the crew what time the diving starts. The crewman point at the sign, not needing the words to say "Dude, don't you know how to read?" Yeah, Efficiency, what's with the painfully obvious question?

"It's late afternoon and of course we understand we can't dive at this time of –;" Robin complains.

"Well actually it's just as dark underwater, shouldn't be any difference," Faith interrupts. "If only they opened half an hour more we wouldn't be stuck here overnight, the other teams are going to catch up now."

"I wonder if the other teams will take this Detour or the other one?" Willow asks as they settle down on the beach for the night. There doesn't seem to be many hotels nearby and teams opt for sleeping under the stars.

It's a beautiful sight, and the sunset is breathtaking.

Meanwhile the other 3 teams arrive at Sandakan airport. Jostling off the plane the teams, knowing they are behind, are nervous to the point of agitated. We rarely see the 'getting out of the airport' footage, but this time we see the pettiness that is the Riley- Randy cock waving contest. They're pushing and shoving at each other in the passport line, getting their baggage and even in the corridor. How pathetic.

It's even evident outside the airport, where somehow they end up in a line for minivan sized MaxiCabs. Or are they mini-buses, no one's sure. Buffy & Riley climb into the first one and load up their bags. Rupert & Randy, who are next, are asking the driver if these are buses or taxis. The driver tells them to get in, cos there is space. But Riley closes the door on the father and son. "No, we don't have room for you," he snarls and shuts out the other team.

Rupert & Randy end up sharing one with Adam & Oz. "Haven't had a lot of chances to talk with Adam and Oz, turns out we have a shared interest in music and jamming, after the race, we might get together to play. It's surprising who you meet while traveling," Randy says. It's nice and all, planning future social activities, but it's a RAAACE, people.

It seems a little bit late for these teams for develop an alliance, but a common disdain for Riley may push them together out of necessity, like one of those shotgun Las Vegas marriages. "Do you, Rupert & Randy, take Adam & Oz to be your trusty allies. Do you promise to scoff and deride the embarrassment that is Riley, for roadblocks and detours, for peace at pitstops, in first place or last. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to those whose names are not Riley, so long as y'all shall remain in the Race?"

"I can understand competitiveness, especially for a professional athlete, but his behavior has worsened as the race goes on, he doesn't talk to the other teams during the rest period, he is rude to everyone, I feel sorry for the poor girl who has to stay with him," says Rupert.

"Riley's a jerk," Oz says succinctly.

It's totally dark when they reach the Rotary Observation Pavilion and the clue for the Detour. Adam & Oz and Rupert & Randy decide immediately to go for the caves, guessing that the boat to Pulau Lankayan will not be running anymore. "The boat to the island has stopped for the night, but we can gain time by driving to the caves and be ready as soon as they open," Adam explains, with impeccable logic.

Of course Goldies aren't privy to this discussion, and they decide to do Dive Down instead. Lo and behold, when they reach the jetty the speedboats are done for the day. A frustrated America's Golden Couple trudge off to find a hotel.

Sunrise, beautiful beaches, palm trees, crystal clear waters. Just the postcard you feel obligated to buy whenever you visit this type of vacation destination.

While Buffy & Riley are speeding their way towards Pulau Lankayan, the teams who spent the night on the beach are getting ready to dive for their clues. Faith & Robin are keen a sticks, Willow & Tara show a mixture of excitement and nervousness, but Xander & Anya are not looking happy.

"I thought she was feeling better but no, she hadn't recovered. But she chose to keep that information to herself. She's far too gungho for her own good," Xander complains.

"What good would that have done? We spent the whole night on the beach, and we had the task to do. It was too late to switch Detours," Anya retorts.

Faith & Robin get suited first and follow their instructor down to the water from a small dive platform. They follow a rope all the way from the surface to two small boat wrecks 50 feet down. The visibility isn't great and they have a little trouble finding the clue in the murky waters. Some fish and shrimp swim past and it's quite a sight.

After some fruitless swimming around they finally locate the clue, tied to the side of one of the wrecks. One of them – Faith? – gets the clue and they make their way up, hand over hand on the guide rope.

"We were really disorientated down there, took a lot of trouble to get the clue," Robin says.

Efficiency rips the clue and learn that they are to fly to Queensland, Australia and locate a lifeguard at the beach at Surfers Paradise. All they have is a Polaroid, and they have to search all the posts on a long stretch of beach for the right lifeguard. O' Yea, it's Needle in Haystack clue time.

They make their way towards their boat just as the next group – Willow & Tara are already getting ready to dive. Faith is like an excitable teenager, "Australia, Ace, it's all surfers and beaches man. My dream vacation," she grins insanely all the way to the boat. Robin looks on with amusement at his partner's enthusiasm.

On the way back to the shore, they pass by Buffy & Riley and exchange waves. The contrast is marked. One team full of excitement, the other perfecting the look of death. "They finished quickly," murmured Riley. What economy of words, what venom. Shut. Up. Riley.

Meanwhile Lovebirds are underwater, making slow but steady progress along the guide rope. At the wreck, they stop and appear to try to gain their bearings before setting off to find the clue. They get it quicker than Faith & Robin seem to and they do a little thumbs up to each other.

They get the clue and are also happy to be going to Australia. "Funny the clue doesn't tell us which airport to fly into. Queensland's a state, right? But which city?" Willow muses.

"Maybe a map, or a travel agent?" Tara suggests.

"Good call," Willow smiles. My insides melt, cos, to my Lovebirds-addicted mind, anything they do is cute.

They jog by Xander & Anya, who surprisingly haven't suited up yet. Anya is looking pretty sickly, and in a discussion with the dive instructor about whether she is fit enough to dive. She insists that she is, but the instructor isn't convinced. "We have to do this task, otherwise we're stuck," Anya argues.

"But it's dangerous if you're sick. It's diving, not a walk in the park, if you get into trouble underwater, you can't get out, and that's it," Xander does a throat cutting motion that isn't helping his wife's dilemma.

Anya glares at him, "Oh great, Xander, now you don't even need to murder me in my sleep, the water will do it."

In the end the instructor puts his foot down and insists that Anya is checked out by the resort doctor. Pirates are not happy about it, but have no choice. The doctor tells Anya she can't dive. They try arguing, but he is adamant.

Now what?

Phil appears and explains that if a team can't complete a Detour, they have a choice of switching to the other task, or taking a time penalty of 4 hours from the time the next team arrives.

They're debating the merits of each option when Buffy & Riley arrive. They opt for the time penalty. "It will take an hour or more to get back onshore, then driving to the caves and finishing the task, will probably be more than 4 hours," Xander says. He sits by Anya and puts one arm round her, she looks angry at herself and shakes him off.

"It's okay," he keeps trying to console her.

"Why did we decide on this task? We should have turned back and gone to the other task before getting on the boat, why didn't you say something?" she sobbed.

Xander looks to be torn between arguing back and being supportive. He opens and closes his mouth, but decides, perhaps wisely, to keep his own counsel. He may be a pirate with only one eye, but he seems to display some understanding of his wife's tantrums.

Buffy & Riley meanwhile, are suited up and ready to go. Buffy sees Anya in distress and goes over to ask about her, Xander gives her a thin smile. Nice to know one of the Goldies have a heart. Riley, on the other hand, runs past the Pirates and frowns when Buffy fails to keep up.

They get in the water and have no trouble with the diving. Riley is a swimmer after all. Not that I'm happy about his behavior, he should be, and is good at, sports related tasks. Doesn't excuse the insistent "let's go" he is barking at the crew.

"Anya is sick and the doctor refuses to let her dive, so they're talking a time penalty," Buffy comments when they're on the boat.

"I should feel sorry for them, cos Anya's sick, but I'm glad of their time penalty, it means we're not last," Riley gloats.

"You could still have stopped and asked about her, what's the matter with you?" Buffy frowns.

"We're in a race, Buffy," he says. He shakes water out of his shoes and continues to rearrange his backpack.

"What about sportsmanship? And you claim to go to church every Sunday," she exclaims.

"I'm in a competition, I don't have time to be a goody two-shoes Christian," he retorts.

"Oh, just stop talking, Riley," she turns away in disgust.

This the sort of behavior we're encouraging from our professional athletes? I know they are in a competition, but if I win this leg with the Pirates being eliminated because of illness, I'd feel bad about winning.

The Gomantong caves are about 20 miles south of Sandakan, and we catch up with the two remaining non-coupley team, make their way from their overnight perch (aka their cars) to the cave entrance.

Once there they are greeted by the sound and sight of thousands (over a million, we're told) of swiftlets and bats flying around. The walls and floor are organic. Even the normally impassive Adam & Oz are put off by the conditions.

"There were piles of bird or whatnot poop all over the ground, everywhere you step it squelched," Adam interviews with a disgusted look etched into his features.

"And roaches, don't forget the roaches," Oz deadpans. Oh lord.

Teams gingerly make their way to the bottom of the ladders where they are fitted out with helmets and harnesses. Both team members are told to climb up the ladders to the top, then make their way across a narrow horizontal platform to retrieve their clues from a hanging basket.

Randy goes first for his team, when he is about 10 feet up, Rupert follows. Oz and Adam do the same. The narrow ladders swing precariously as they climb, but there is never any danger that they will fall, because of the harness.

The younger, fitter Oz & Adam make it to the top first and inch their way across the platform, Adam having to virtually bend double to get his tall frame across. At the corner of my eye I spy some movement on the ledge, I try very hard to convince myself those are not bugs. They haul a tiny basket up from a rope and get their clue. "Not enough room to read the clue, let's go down first," says Adam, the master of logic today.

Randy, followed by Rupert, get to their platform shortly afterwards. Rupert is a little out of breath, but have no problems reaching the clue.

Back on solid ground, TallShort read the Queensland clue, they show uncharacteristic emotion as they high five each other, or rather, Oz high fives and Adam low fives. In any case, it looks like Australia is a popular destination.

R.Randy descend and get the clue also. Rupert, probably the second smartest person on the Race, latches onto the same question as Willow, about which airport they are to fly into. They decide a visit to a travel agent is the best course of action.

Back at the island, two forlorn Pirates sit all by their lonesome on the jetty. They are not talking to each other and body language indicates a huge fight just happened. Anya throws an annoyed look at Xander, "So you're giving up now?" she spits.

"We're hours behind, and you keep blaming me! Why me, Anya? Who hasn't said a single word since you were sick on the boat? Who sat up all night passing you sips of water? Who has been by your side while we got a 4-hour penalty?" Xander yells.

"Right, so it's all my fault then! Fine!" Anya throws her hands up in the air.

Xander seems deflated. It's not about the blame, Anya, it's about staying together as a team and trying not to make a bad situation worse, I can see it in his eyes, and I despair cos she can't see it.

In other news, teams are arriving in Kota Kinabalu. Efficiency and TallShort head straight for the airport, where they find out they need to travel to Brisbane. After a considerable amount of searching, they secure flights to Kuala Lumpur and connecting to Singapore. At Singapore they have a 5 hour layover before boarding a 2110 flight to Brisbane which arrives 0630 local time. "It's airport circus today," Robin jokes.

Lovebirds and R.Randy duck into travel agencies and proceed to do extensive research. R.Randy's agent comes up, amazingly, with a flight via Kuala Lumpur and Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei that arrives at Brisbane at 0305, 3 1/2 hours before the flight from Singapore. I wonder why the airport people aren't able to find this flight.

The best the Lovebirds agent can get is the same Singapore flight, okay what's up with not giving my Lovebirds the Brunei flight? The girls politely ask for access to the internet and search for timetables themselves. "I memorized a few websites that may be useful for us. We found this out of the way flight via the Kingdom of Brunei, even the agent was surprised," Willow says happily.

The Amazing Clock shows it's 12.15pm when the four teams board the domestic flight to Kuala Lumpur. Two teams will be on earlier flights, I wonder if the other two will catch on, we'll see.

Just as the plane is about to take off, Goldies arrive. I can see the steam coming off both of them from miles away. Riley raves and rants, and for once Buffy joins in. She's probably sick of him and wants to get to the Pitstop, stat. They learn the next flight to Kuala Lumpur is at 1405, but they will be able to connect to the same Singapore flight as Efficiency and TallShort.

At this rate, even the Pirates will make the Singapore flight. We seen their time penalty finally coming to an end and they get on a boat. Anya looks better. "The doctor gave me some tablets, I asked if we can do the task but he refused. Xander and I hit a bad spot, we have to rebuild some trust," she says. Sing it sister!

They arrive at Kota Kinabalu in time for a 1545 flight to Kuala Lumpur, then Singapore. Guess what? They will make the Singapore-Brisbane flight. I should be writing an Ode to Bunching now, or may be a haiku. [*no, don't even try. Please.*]

At Kuala Lumpur airport, R.Randy and Lovebirds rush off because they have very little time to connect to the Brunei flight. Efficiency and TallShort see what's going on and they follow, only to be told at the Brunei Air counter that booking has closed. I don't know who has the worst swear words but the beeping is like birds chirping in my head. Not happy bunnies there.

"It's probably too much to ask, for them to share information, I never expected sneakiness from them," says Robin. Wait. No. It's a RAAACE, Robin, what do think this is? The playpen at the kindergarten? Adam & Oz aren't complaining, at least vocally, and they're the ones with the shotgun marriage to R.Randy and all.

At Singapore they try to find better flights, but come up short. Meantime, Goldies and even Pirates arrive at Singapore, and four teams are on the direct flight to Brisbane.

Brisbane, where "Australia wears a sunny smile all year", is the springboard for surf and adventure activities along the Gold Coast, boasting 40 miles of uninterrupted beaches. One of which is Surfers Paradise, home to touristy hotels, malls and where thousands of graduating high school kids converge every year. Surfers beach itself is 6 miles long.

R.Randy and Lovebirds arrive at an eerily quiet Brisbane airport at 3am. [*whaddaya expect, it's 3am.*] They aren't even running to find their cars, just ambling along.

"We managed to get a better flight and ahead of the field by using a travel agent, a few more good decisions like that and we'll be in the final three, I'm sure," Randy says.

The teams drive the 50 miles towards Gold Coast. "The lifeguards won't be on duty yet, will they?" Tara comments as she drives.

"We can take a look at the lay of the land and where the towers are," Willow says.

"That's good," Tara drives on.

"You okay with the driving?" Willow asks.

"It feels different driving on this side of the road. I'm always fighting the urge to drift to the opposite lane," Tara says as she grips the wheel a little tighter.

"Keep yourself on the outside of the road, that's the rule of thumb," Willow suggests helpfully.

It's still dark when the two vehicles arrive at the beach. The sounds of the waves can be heard even in the dark. Nope, no lifeguards on duty at that hour.

As the early morning sunlight moves across the beach, we see Rupert & Randy in their makeshift camp. Randy rolls over off the groundsheet and gets a faceful of sand. He chokes and spurts out a mouthful as he sits up.

The movement disturbs Rupert's sleep. "Assignments are due on Tuesday!" Rupert calls out as he jolts up, his eyes glazed and unfocused. I crack up. They get ready with greeting the day, boy they look rough, uh oh, we're getting towards the 'need haircut/shave/shower' stage of the Race.

Back at the airport, the remaining teams are arriving. Mad rush to the carpark and to their cars, amidst the cries of "let's go!" and "hurry up!". The sky is noticeably brighter, and the traffic heavier.

On the beach, R.Randy and Lovebirds are beginning their herculean task. Oh boy, this looks like a long task, there are dozens of lifeguard towers there, spread out over the 6 mile stretch. I mean, 6 miles! That's…long.

The rest of the teams appear and soon there are mad rushing teams on the beach. Other beach-goers are beginning to arrive: families, surfers, even a few pretty women. Randy and Oz run into each other mid-search and share a moment, appreciating the assets of several bikini-clad beauties jogging along the beach. Wowza, these Australian babes, they're the dish, dude. Why did Baywatch move to Hawaii again?

With an earlier start Rupert & Randy locate their lifeguard first. They get the clue from him that tells them to drive to the nearby Dreamworld amusement park. They run off.

Adam & Oz find their lifeguard and clue. Lovebirds find the clue. Faith & Robin and Buffy & Riley find the clue. Hit me, it's clues clues clues. Everybody drive off.

Wait, wait! We are missing one team. I count, and yes, one team is MIA! Call the rescue. Gather the dogs, we need to search. It's Xander & Anya, who have ended up on the wrong side of the beach, they're still trying to find their lifeguard. Looks like Lady Luck is not with them today.

"I've had it, we've been walking up and down the beach and we're getting nowhere," Anya whines in frustration.

"Maybe it's over that side," Xander points.

"Over there! It's too far away, what do you expect me to do?" Anya gets so worked up that she sits herself down at the beach and refuses to get up. Ah, not only lack of luck, but KF catching up as well.

I have a bad feeling about this.

The first team is arriving at Dreamworld. First to greet them is the Yield, they choose not to yield any other team. The peloton arrives, and they, too, choose not to yield. Logically, one of them should have yielded Xander & Anya, because it's clear they are behind and the leg is almost finishing, to put them even further behind using the Yield will ensure they are eliminated. My trusty EEFPs tell me that there is only one Non-Elim left, and the Amazing Producers normally leave this until the last 2 legs, especially if they are taking 4 teams into the final run-in. So the chances of this leg being Non-Elim is slim to none.

The long and short of it is, no one uses the Yield.

After the Yield comes the clue. It's a Roadblock. Teams are to drive themselves 3 miles to Pimpama where the Roadblocker will try their hands at Zorbing. What is a zorb? It's a giant inflatable plastic ball, the zorbonaut (yeah, that's the term) climbs inside a small compartment and the whole contraption rolls down a steep hill with the person inside. The experience is not unlike being a hamster in a wheel, or a stray sock in a spin dryer.

R.Randy are the first to the zorb, and Randy takes the Roadblock. The People-in- Charge tell him to strip down to as little as possible because he's sharing the zorb with 40 liters of soapy water. He takes his T-shirt off and a whole school district full of teenage girls faint. He has nice flat abs, but his insane blonde helmet and sucky cheeks take the pleasure away from ogling him.

Apparently the non-Roadblocking partner can choose to lie down at the bottom of the slope and have the zorb roll over him at the end. Rupert, with a look that says "you're kidding me?" politely declines.

Randy finishes the roll, emerges like a wet towel from a wash, gives a thumbs up, and receives the clue telling them to drive to the Pitstop at the Hope Island Golf Resort.

Next up, Faith. She has a cocky grin on her face as she climbs inside, telling us that she is a nut for extreme sports. "I did the bungy jump in Switzerland, so now is her chance," says Robin. Her ride downhill is nothing special, but when she comes out, my eyes are treated to the most fantastic sight – her hair wild and wet, her chest moving up and down with each pant, and her, um, important, um, points, doing the same thing as Farrah Fawcett's in that famous poster. Oh my god, I can hear the click of a million mouses as people do screengrabs of this angel.

No less sexy, but in a different way, the Lovebirds arrive. Using the same logic as Efficiency (ie who didn't do the last extreme sports stunt), it's Tara the Roadblocker. I can appreciate the logic, but she has done the last 3 Roadblocks, may be it should have been Willow's turn? My brain goes to pieces when she finishes and come out from the zorb in much the same condition as Faith, only her T-shirt is even thinner than Faith's. I turn into a puddle of warm melted ice cream as I realize she is even more yummy than Faith. It's screengrabbers paradise today!

Back at Surfers, Pirates get the lifeguard and the next clue. "This is the last straw," Xander grits his teeth.

Goldies. Riley takes the task. I'm interested in neither his abs nor how the water clings to his giant forearms. He finishes, yawn.

TallShort. Adam twists his bulk into the compartment. I think they choose him so he occupies so much space that there's minimal spinning. He finishes, gets the clue and they're off.

Pirates arrive at last and it's Xander with the rolling. I hear faint screams but I'm not sure if he is screaming at the ride or his wife.

At the swanky Hope Island Golf Resort, Phil is suitably attired in golfing wear and waiting by the Amazing Bathmat.

It's Rupert & Randy, you're team number one. They smile. And smile even more as Phil tells them they have each won a Treo PDA phone, sponsored by palmOne. Randy is ecstatic, while Rupert appears to be wondering what a PDA phone is.

"We were able to maintain top spot throughout the leg, we're very happy. And of course happy at pole position next leg," Rupert says.

It's Faith & Robin and they're team number two. "Perfect, this is the perfect position, just over the shoulders of the pace setters, we are in great shape to kick once we enter the straight," Robin with his runner's talk again. Score-wise, they have the best score, and remain my pick for winning the Race.

The team I want to win jog up to Phil next. Welcome, Willow & Tara, you are team number three. "Nice," they smile to each other.

Buffy & Riley check in as team number four. Why are they still here again?

Adam & Oz are team number five. Oh I want them to stay in the race, they are my 'dark-horse' team and can't be this far down the field!

Finally Xander & Anya drag themselves onto the Amazing Bathmat. No Non-Elim, sorry, they're Philminated. It's a shame because they have a good alliance with Lovebirds and I want to see them prosper. "Our relationship was badly tested today, and we didn't come through for each other," Xander laments.

"It meant a lot to us, well, to me, to win this. I'm so disappointed," Anya adds.

Goodbye Pirates. Don't kill each other on the way to Sequesterville.

Teaser for Episode 10

Coins are tossed in the air amidst raucous shouting.

Buffy runs after a stray coin that doesn't want to stop rolling.

Adam & Oz throwing and running. It's just like Laurel and Hardy.

And a glimpse of the sexiest outfit ever to grace the Amazing Race.

Useful links & information

Malaysia:
Sabah map
Gomantong Caves
Australia:
Zorbing

They tossed and turned on the narrow double bed, the steady humming of the air- conditioning unit creating a disjointed sort of harmony with the sporadic traffic noises outside.

Soft fingers caressed soft skin on a pale freckled arm, then reached up to adjust the bunched-up sleeves on the T-shirt.

"Can't sleep, baby?" Tara asked, returning her arm to its rightful place, looped around Willow's waist.

"No. My body screams that it's tired, my brain super aware of how many hours till we have to set off again, hence the need to rest. But no, I can't sleep. Can you?"

"Not really."

Tara heard Willow sigh as they tried to ignore the sunlight creeping through the not quite thick enough curtains. She glanced at the clock: 12.53pm. They had to be at the start point in under 10 hours, her mind was checking off the Pitstop tasks that had become their routine for the last 3 weeks.

Check in with Ashley, do interview, have lunch, shower, do laundry. Yep, all done. Now if only we can catch up on some sleep.

"Want to do some planning?" Willow asked, but made no attempt to move from Tara's comfortable embrace.

"Only if we can do it in this position," Tara mumbled.

"We can do a lot in this position," Willow snickered.

"Will!"

"What?" She is all sweet innocence, but I have her number.

"You have a one track mind," Tara smiled. She traced a soft finger underneath the sleeve she was adjusting a minute ago and smiled some more at the shiver she felt running up her lover's arms.

Slowly and achingly she slipped further up underneath the cotton material until she reached the collarbone, which she slowly ran over with the back of her fingers, keeping her touches soft. I'm glad this is a loose-fit T-shirt.

Willow let out a sigh at Tara's caress and they felt the flush of desire gradually building through their connection.

Tara worked her hand down from the collarbone to the top of Willow's breasts. She drew large figure of eight spirals around both breasts, intensely aware but studiously avoiding the hardening nubs at the tip.

The sounds Willow was making were sweet and needy, her body arching and pushing back into Tara's, her hips grinding through the clothing barrier and right into Tara's core.

Tara slipped her hands out, earning a needy whimper. "Shhh, sweetie, I'm taking this off," she whispered as she rolled Willow's T-shirt off her back and over her head. Before settling back into their embrace, she quickly threw her own T-shirt and boxer shorts off to the end of the bed.

She resumed the figure of eight movement around Willow's breasts, while pressing her own into the redhead's back. They gasped, but neither was sure if it was Tara's hand on Willow's breasts, or Tara's breasts on Willow's back.

Feeling her own heat igniting, Tara tightened the circular movement on Willow's breasts, at the same time increasing the pressure. When she reached the pebbled points, she stroked, then squeezed, eliciting a sharp hiss from the suddenly still body in her arms.

"Should I stop?" she purred.

"Please don't," came the plea.

She shifted slightly so her other arm, the one previously trapped underneath Willow, was able to snake round and continue massaging Willow's breasts. Her top arm slid tantalizing down Willow's body until it reached the well worn smooth cotton of obstinate, pesky panties. These she removed without hesitation.

They were bare against each other now. Their breathing quickened but remained in sync. Tiny rolls of hips and tightening of muscles were sure signs of an impending hunger, an unending need.

Willow moaned, half-rolled and threw one leg over Tara's hips, opening herself to Tara's touch. Tara wasted no time in reaching down, brushing her palms against damp curls, and began to steadily stroke Willow's inner lips. She felt her lover's clit harden, as if crying out for much needed attention. Natural juices flowed easily over hidden crevices, intensifying the friction.

More urgent thrusting of hips demanded more, and Tara gladly obliged. One, then two fingers slid into Willow, while her palm maintained contact with the now very stiff clit. Gently at first, then more rhythmical, she guided her fingers in and out, basking in the feeling of Willow clenching around her and buried in the bliss and love radiating from both of them.

She knew Willow's body so well now, even though it had only been a few days. The memory and significance of their bonding, back in Africa, still fresh in her mind and soul. A small sign, an extra hitch in the breathing, insides that felt smoother, and she knew, deep in her heart, she knew.

I'm coming baby.

I can feel it.

When Willow arched her back and tightened her grip on Tara's hand, she could hear the chorus of Willow's release whispering, louder, clearer, till with one drawn-out, delightful scream the woman she loved climaxed with such force that they were both pulled off the mattress.

Willow turned into her and kissed her deeply. They easily fell into a tangle of arms, legs and warm melding, whispering small words of love only meant for their ears. They held each other close as they drifted into slumber.

When they woke their room was still bright.

Tara felt before she heard Willow's breathing change. She opened her eyes to be greeted with eager green ones that smiled at her.

"Hey," Willow said, placing a warm kiss on her lips.

"Guess we managed some sleep after all. Did you sleep well?" she asked.

Willow smirked. "Of course," she smiled. "I didn't even thank you properly before zonking out, you must think I'm some sort of guy, at least I didn't grunt and rolled over."

"You're nothing like a guy," Tara replied, allowing her fingers to run down Willow's jawline.

Willow swallowed and tried to suppress the arousal that was fast spinning out of control. "Oh Baby, what you do to me. But," she said as she flipped Tara over. "But now, it's my turn to do things to you."

Tara tried hard to stay focused. "Do we have time?" she asked, at the back of her mind she was trying to remember if she looked at the clock, but rational thought was becoming impossible when her arms are held high above her head and Willow was kissing her.

"Let me worry about the time, just relax," Willow instructed as she continued her kisses, now at Tara's neck and arms.

This is so easy.

Tara took a deep breath and felt her tension melt away with Willow's kisses. The kisses were everywhere, sometimes soft and barely felt, sometimes more insistent. Every so often, Willow would lean up and kiss her on the lips, opening her mouth and letting their tongues enjoy the sensation.

Willow was kissing her breasts now, taking care that each nipple received the attention they yearned for.

I'm lost.

Now the focus was her tummy, then her hips that she always thought too wide, and back to her breasts.

Cool hands slid around her back, pulling her up and wrapping her legs around Willow, now crouching between her legs. Kisses along the top of her thighs, smooth hands lingering at the back of the thighs, down to the knees and ankles.

What was my life before her like? I can't remember. I can't imagine.

Slowly and carefully Willow kissed all around her sex and outer lips, but resolutely not venturing deeper. She felt the grin along her sensitive skin.

Willow slid back up and kissed her again, she could faintly taste herself already.

I'm burning up all over.

The sensation of Willow's kisses on her clit was unlike anything she had imagined or felt before. Now Willow was humming into her, the vibrations and touches igniting a fire that started deep in her belly and was overwhelming every other sensation.

She knew it would be quick. She wanted to draw her climax out but she had been at the edge since she herself first teased Willow. Seemed like a million eons ago.

Willow sucked her clit and it was instantaneous.

I'm coming baby.

I can feel it.

All around her, she could only hear white pulsing light, could only see white pounding noise. She screamed. Loudly. Screams of joy and of bliss and of pleasure that knew no boundaries.

She pulled Willow back up and they met in a kiss that sealed their love. Willow turned her over and rocked her gently while softly stroking her hair.

There was still Race planning to do. They were in a new country now and chances would be the most or even all the next leg would be in Australia. Five teams were left and the competition was becoming more intense. Their staunchest allies had been eliminated. There was a lot to talk about.

Thinking further ahead, the Race was coming to an end. What were they to do afterwards? Their lives, their relationship, everything, had changed so much. There was a lot to talk about.

But at this moment, as their love enveloped them, it was not the time for talk. Talking would be later, when the reality of the outside world greeted them again. At this moment, they were just two girls, one soul, in love.

Episode recap

At the Hope Island resort off Australia's Gold Coast, you can play golf, improve your backhand at the Pat Cash International Tennis Academy, dock your luxury yacht, enjoy food & beverage at the exclusive Spike's Café and Bar, even purchase property for either permanent stays or as vacation homes. Now I sound like I missed my calling as time- share salesperson. [*Fencey rolls his eyes.*] It was also the latest pitstop for a grueling race around the world, now entering a critical phase.

As Phil says, the five teams have no idea what is in store for them, though I can guess it'll involve traipsing around in Australia or venturing to New Zealand sometime this episode or next. Perhaps moseying to Asia again or Pacific Islands before heading back to the States. Then again I may be completely wrong and the Amazing Producers produce some miracle of geography and have the teams go to a place completely unexpected. [*what? like the moon?*]

Teams at the Pitstop, enjoying the country club surroundings. The shotgun marriage of Rupert & Randy and Adam & Oz isn't heading for divorce court yet, they are at the poolside chatting away and comparing notes. A barbie is shown prominently in the background, manned by a burly hunk in T-shirt and safari shorts. For those of you uninitiated in Aussie Slang, a barbie is a barbeque grill, not an anatomically impossible doll.

Willow & Tara, having lost their allies, are in a world of their own. Phil wonders if they will flounder or emerge stronger. They're in a world of their own alright, sitting quietly at a corner whispering to each other. Casting my mind back to the beginning of the Race, when they seem to be struggling to get comfortable with each other, now I think we have a full blown relationship going strong. I'm not stupid, I know something big happened at the camp in Kenya and it wasn't just "naming stars". My point, and I think I have one, is how happy I am about the progress of this pair, just don't do something stupid and ruin my impression of you, okay? I goo-ga at teams I like, but equally I become bitter and caustic if they incur my wrath.

10.09pm. R.Randy do the rip and tear of the clue envelope. They learn that they are to fly to Sydney and play a game of chess at the giant chessboard at Hyde Park. When the game ends, they will receive their next clue. Sounds fun, in a 'aren't chess players at parks a bunch of old fogies?' sort of way. No offense to the youth-challenged sector of the chess-playing circle, of course.

"We're feeling invincible right now, we're nearing the end of the race and we're becoming the team to beat. The couples have their tension-filled moments, but Dad and I are doing so well on our own steam. I can't wait to get going," Randy is as excited as a boy getting ready for a prom date. Just don't take that first step on the dance floor and fall flat on your face, Boy. They jump into their car.

10.33pm. Team Efficiency look seriously like they're getting ready to step up to the starting block in a track race. They're, like, doing stretching exercises and running on the spot and being all energetic. Are they, like, planning to run to Sydney?

"This is the stage of a race where strength of mind is more important than pure physical ability. The pressure cooker is all the way at max now. To have the belief that you are going to win, it takes minds of steel," Robin tries, and fails again with his sports metaphors. Minds of steel? Yes you have pecs of steel, but I don't want any iron filings inside my mind thank you very much.

10.49pm. Lovebirds in rojak clothing. Oh how I have missed the hypnotic effects of the crazy-dye fireworks. They must have been playing with fireworks alright, cos they have this unmistakable, um, afterglow of luuurrrrve about them. It's all dark but man, I can tell from this side of the screen. And it's not even a flatscreen tv! Yes they were definitely too busy during the Pitstop to do their laundry *wags eyebrows*.

11.12pm. Goldies are the antithesis of afterglow. Like, what's the opposite of afterglow? Beforeglow? Riley induced stupor? Stare at Buffy long enough and you get lethargic?

"This is a critical stage of the Race. We must make sure we're in the final three, then we'll be the team to beat," Riley interviews. Okay, did the teams, like, have a brain meld at the Pitstop, cos he's using the same language as his archrival Randy. And that makes me shudder with fear.

11.29pm. TallShort count out the money, they have $171 for this leg of the race. Palindrome Banker makes a cameo! "We have to look sharp," Adam says as they throw their backpacks into their car and drive off into the night.

TallShort car leaves the resort carpark just as R.Randy car pulls into the airport carpark of Brisbane airport.

Guess what? It's the we-know-it'll-make-you-want-to-be-in-a-coma-but-we're-doing- it-anyway segment of the program. It's, gasp, the return of airport bunching. The last flight for Sydney left at 9.10pm and the next one will be at 6am next morning. I'm less incensed about this, since the teams are close together and may have gotten on the same flight anyway. Or may be I have finally resigned myself to the inevitable.

"It was expected. I didn't think the airport will be open this late, it's so rural here," Randy comments. He's big on the commentary today isn't he. And on behalf of the residents of Brisbane, heck, the residents of Queensland, I slap him one. Rural? That's so patronizing. An airport servicing 12 million passengers a year with over 2,100 flights a week to 56 international and domestic destinations is not rural (what? I googled it). An airport with one flight a week and manned by a dungaree-wearing, armpit-scratching, baccy-chewing old timer, that's rural. Shut up, Randy.

Teams arrive in short succession and are greeted by the same empty counter with the big honking sign 'Closed. Open at 5am'. They set up camp at the waiting area.

"We're so used to this bunching now, we just skip over it and think ahead to the next stage," Tara says. SHEEP!

"Time to get some sleep," Willow yawns. BAA-BAA!

Early morning and we get a final sweeping shot of lifeguards and beach babes before zooming in to capture the riveting sight of teams getting on a plane. Yeah, yawn.

7.30am. G'day Sydney! We're back at the scene of much TAR goodness. Who can forget the TAR2 Aussie slang Roadblock, where some teams learnt by painful experience that it's always a good idea to Read the Clue. Or the BridgeClimb? Or 'going for a fast forward cos the other team says they're going for it but we think they're lying'? Sigh. Good times. I'm misting up now.

"Taxi, taxi," shout the teams exiting the airport. I always wonder why people do that, shout "taxi!", cos when I'm driving I can't hear people shouting at me from the sidewalk. I mean they're, like, not within my earshot. I can see waving, but since I close my windows cos of the air-con or I have the radio on, they can shout all they want but I can't hear them. I don't have Slayer hearing. Does it mean taxi drivers do? Or they have a special receiving device that picks up shouts of "taxi!" from outside their vehicle? Okay that's the end of my daily Random Rant About Nothing in Particular. I'll shut up before Sars gets her lazy ass off her couch and sporks me one. [*I'll do more than spork you, I'll tear your tongue out so you can't speak and have to rely on typing out your words for the rest of your life. Time to learn your emoticons, baby. Love, Sars.*]

"Where to, mate?" asks the R.Randy taxi driver. "Hyde Park, mate," Randy grins as he replies with an atrocious Aussie accent. It's like his jaw is stuck from too much cheek sucking. Stop trying so hard, Randy.

"Go, go, go," Riley urges his driver, who shoots him a dirty look before scrolling his eyes to Buffy, who has decided to do a Hayden impression today with the skimpy strap top and no bra look. Problem is, she has nothing to display. Now, Faith, on the other hand…okay, deep breath, quick slap on face, ice cold shower *whistles innocently*.

In the TallShort cab, they're playing 'Name that Famous Australian' with their cab driver.

"Mel Gibson and Nicole Kidman, we consider them ours," Mr Cabbie says.

"We'll let you have them, but with the understanding that they're both Americans by birth," Adam argues.

"Nature versus nurture, I say we win," Mr Cabbie replies.

"You guys have some crazy representation in Hollywood," says Oz.

"Russell Crowe is hardly a typical example," Adam interjects.

"He's a Kiwi." Oh I love them Aussies, so to the point. See how Mr Cabbie disowns Mr Crowe with just one statement?

"What about Portia de Rossi, she's a little loose in the head," Oz snorts. I have the image of Portia as Nearly Headless Nick with her head about to fall off. May be she'll scandalize the whole school by having an affair with the Fat Lady. Snerk.

"On the contrary, ditching one rich, hot babe for another isn't loose, it's practical," Adam says. I almost spill diet vanilla coke on my brand new all white T-shirt (cos you have to buy new white T-shirts every so often, especially when your old ones start getting yellow at certain seams) at Adam saying "rich, hot babe", oh hubba bubba.

The first team to arrive at Hyde Park is Rupert & Randy, continuing their streak of good placing. Now I have to contemplate this pairing in the final three, cos I never considered that they'd make it this far. Rupert isn't the fittest fiddle in the Race, and Randy is simply too random, but may be I dismissed them too soon.

They join the locals playing chess at a person-sized board painted on the ground. The pieces are about 2 feet tall and it all looks quite quaint. The players are office types in shirts and ties even, not the old fogies I expected. I can imagine one of them saying as he leaves his suburban home, "I'm off now honey, getting a game of chess before I start the day in the office." Heh.

Rupert wisely figures out the best way to get to the end of the game and the clue is to lose quickly, which he does in ruthless abandonment, even earning a handshake and backpat from his opponent.

"The first instinct when playing is to win, but we're not here to win, we need to finish the game and get the clue, which means letting our opponent win. So I played a variation of what's known as Fool's Mate, and I was so happy my opponent recognized it," Rupert explained. Not bad, for an old fogey.

They get the clue, which includes a Fast Forward. Amazing Exposition Hands and Yummy Phil join forces to explain. Blah blah blah only two for the whole Race, only one team can get it each time, proceed directly to the pitstop, yeah we know the drill, Phil. He does the "teams have to decide when is the most advantageous to go for it" spiel too. In this FF, teams have to go to the Sydney Cricket Ground and complete two tasks – Bowl a Maiden Over and Hit a Boundary. I've been told these are kosher cricket terms, for which I can only say, call the Society Against Cruelty to Maidens and Boundaries, stat. The camera pans to a large grass pitch with people in white uniforms pitching a red ball overarm at another person standing in front of three little sticks holding what looks suspiciously like a short-handled paddle. Yes, that's cricket in a nutshell.

"That doesn't sound too hard, let's go for it," Rupert orders. Randy follows meekly.

Teams arrive at Hyde Park to sign up for their turns on the chessboard. It's now TallShort. They play against a surfer dude type, in good company there. They don't clue onto the need to end the game quickly until part way through the game when Oz has a lightbulb moment. He then proceeds to play badly and gets checkmated shortly after. They get the clue envelope and spy the FF. After a short debate they decide to go for the FF, despite knowing they're not first. That is logic that stumps me. Oh men of few words, you're disappointing me.

Goldies' turn at the chessboard. Riley is clearly out of his league, he takes his sweet time before each move, sweat can be seen dripping out of his brain. Buffy tries to help but gets rebuked. She decides, wisely or not, to stand aside.

Lovebirds and Efficiency look on with impatience. We can tell Willow has figured out the strategy and is angsty for Goldies to finish.

"What I don't understand is why Riley is trying so hard. He doesn't know how to play chess and obviously needs a miracle to win. It's like putting Homer Simpson in the ring with Yoda. He should move along, let the other guy win and get the clue. He's wasting our time too," she says, while pacing a groove in the park.

Luckily GoldenBoy sucks at chess and gets checkmated. He looks disappointed, someone please hit him with a clue by four – winning doesn't matter this time! They decide to give the FF a miss and go for the Detour. A FF and Detour in the same clue envelope, that's new isn't it? Did the FF in TAR7 (the one where Joyce shaved her head) have a Detour inside too? Ack, I need my EEFPs. [*Oh I know! There's this wacky notion of reading the recap. Love, Sars.*]

In this Detour teams choose between High Roller or High Flyer. In High Roller, they travel by bus and light rail to Sydney's only casino and play a coin-tossing game called "Two Up". In High Flyer they travel by bus to Fox Studios and take part in a mock stunt shoot.

I truly expect Goldies to go for the stunt cos it's physical and suits them fine. It must be Surprise Your Recapper Day, cos they go for the coin toss.

"We decided on the coin toss because we want to gain time, and figured we need to think more strategically instead of going for the most obvious task," Buffy explained. Think strategically? What about that display just now at the chessboard?

I heave a sigh of relief as Goldies disappear off my screen, which immediately turns into a sigh of happiness at Lovebirds eye-candy. Alas their appearance is brief because Willow is implementing her get-the-game-over-quickly strategy, they have their clue within minutes. They choose the stunt Detour, wow, this is Surprise Your Recapper Day.

Team Efficiency, uncharacteristically last, have enough Race chops to be watching the teams before them keenly. "We were watching Riley and Willow play, and it was obvious Riley was doing something wrong, not a big surprise, the big oaf is more brawn than brain. Interesting how Willow played to let the other person win and get the clue quickly. We tried to play like her but it messed up our game, it's as hard to lose as to win. Man, chess is hard," Robin laments. At least one team is behaving as expected, they go for the stunt.

We're at the Fast Forward. Rupert & Randy are getting changed into cricket uniforms. Rupert looks quite the dashing colonial gentleman in his crisp whites, Randy looks like a hospital orderly. They are to split up and play with two local teams.

Simple cricket rules. The playing area is a thin rectangular strip in the middle of a large grass field. The pitcher (who they call bowler) bowls 6 times at the batter who hits the ball and runs between the strip. Each time he runs the length of the strip he gets a point (called a run). At the end of the 6 bowls (called an over) another bowler bowls 6 balls from the other end. A maiden over is an over where the batter doesn't score any runs. I'm still laughing furiously at the term, it must have some virgin connotations, damn those English, with their subtle humor. A batter who hits the ball to the edge of the field without the ball being intercepted is said to have scored a boundary. Phil reminds us that the task in the FF is for the Racer on the bowling team to bowl a maiden over, and the Racer on the batting team to score a boundary.

Rupert is with the batting team and Randy with the bowling team. The coach give each of them some pointers and they nod like they understand.

Meanwhile TallShort have arrived and are kitting up. They set up camp with another group of players at the other side of the field. Oz is bowling and Adam is batting. Oz bowls at an opponent and the ball is hit back at him, he runs after it but slips, he looks peeved.

Funny segment of the four guys running, throwing and bowling, it's like something out of Monty Python. I don't know who is funnier, Randy doing an impression of a dancing puppet with his bowling action, or huge Adam trying to connect a tiny wooden paddle with a tiny ball. It's an even contest.

Elsewhere, we're at the Detour. Goldies are doing the All Sydney public transport tour, they're on a bus, asking the bus driver about the light rail. Then they're at the light rail, asking the conductor about the casino. "I can't believe how small the city is, looking at the map we've traveled through half the central area already, I thought it'd be larger and more urban, like LA," Buffy says. That comment sounds mundane enough, but when I think about it, it's kind of patronizing. It's like she's disappointed at the size of the city, I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I'm blinded by my dislike of this team; that has happened before.

They hop onto the light rail and are next seen disembarking at the casino. The casino is a bustling place, full of locals and tourists. A special area is set up for the game of Two Up, and Phil helpfully tells us about the game's heritage, that it was played by Australian soldiers during World War I and how it is only legal to play outside of a casino on ANZAC Day (Australian Memorial Day). As he explains the rules, it occurs to me that it's merely a glorified coin toss game; the only exciting thing is that people gamble on the outcome. No wonder it's no longer popular, I mean, coin tossing vs say, internet poker, it's a no brainer really.

Goldies get ready to toss the coin and make bets. I almost expect a representative from Gamblers Anonymous to march up any second now. Buffy steps up, she's told she has to place them in slots in a small wooden paddle and then flip the paddle so the coins are tossed up over her head. People bet on the outcome, like two heads or two tails. One head and one tail is void. Riiight, between this coin tossing contraption and the cricket bat, I'm seeing a paddle theme here. Are the Amazing Producers telling us something? Are we moving to BDSM territory soon?

Buffy tosses the coins amidst loud cheering from a rapidly growing number of on- lookers. What can I say, the combination of pretty blonde and gambling works every time. You ever wondered why there are so many scantily-clad big-hair blondes in Las Vegas or Atlantic City? Look at the profile of the punters – men with pot-bellies and more cash than sense, gambling is probably the only thing keeping them up (you can interpret that whichever way you want). And that's my second Random Rant About Nothing in Particular. Will someone please shut me up now? [*You're pushing it, buddy, I'm watching you. Love, Sars.*]

Back at the FF, Rupert hits a shot to the edge of the field and gets his boundary, he looks pleased, with a self-satisfied smirk normally found on Randy. Like father, like son, eh. Randy is still trying to get his maiden.

Adam is doing poorly and not hitting the ball at all. Guess he never made the softball team, huh. Oz's bowls are also too tame, the batter easily hits him all over the park.

Meantime Randy somehow gets the bowling action right and he gets his maiden over. Now we have both Rupert and Randy with self-satisfied smirks. It's not a pretty sight. They receive the clue, which tells them to make their way to the ferry terminal and head directly for the Taronga Zoo, the Pitstop for this leg of the Race. They're ecstatic.

Adam & Oz, looking like two deflated punch bags, sitting at the side of the field. "We're screwed," Adam says. They debate whether to do the coin toss or mock stunt, the choice is made easy as they find out that Fox Studios is next to the cricket ground. They hasten to the studio.

We're back at the casino detour. Buffy is still tossing coins, to the delight of the crowd. She's supposed to land the coins inside the marked area, but she mistimes one toss and they roll away. She chases after it, but it's elusive, like Riley's one brain cell. She runs after it gallantly. Eventually she catches up and stomps on it, may be it is Riley's one brain cell and she needs it, hence the desperation. Snerk.

Riley meantime, is placing bets on the outcome. No brain cells needed, cos it's completely random. He wins some, he loses some, he makes slow progress towards the $20.

"This is going far too slowly, I'm gonna take a big gamble," he decides. Buffy is too busy tossing to notice, not sure how much she can stop him anyway. He proceeds to put all the money he's won so far in one single bet. When I watched the episode first time his recklessness shocked me, but on subsequent viewing (cos I have to watch an episode, like, 6 times when I'm recapping. Y'all think I have a photographic memory or something?) and reflection, this is exactly the half-assed stupid move Riley will pull.

This time it pays off and he gets his $20. Chalk it up to dumb luck. The next clue tells them to take a postcard of the Sydney Opera House, write the name of the original architect and hand it to an official at the Opera House. If that's supposed to be a puzzle clue, it's not that challenging. But as a regular, non task driven clue, it's simple in its effectiveness.

Fox Studios in Sydney is the new Hollywood, or that's how they sell themselves. The Matrix, Mission Impossible 2, Star Wars Eps 2 and 3 were all filmed there. What, I wonder, is FOX is doing on CBS? Isn't allowing a competitor on your screen a major no-no? Does Rupert Murdoch, like, have some dirt on Les Moonves that we don't know about? Or won a golf bet with Sumner Redstone?

I choose to ignore the blatant cross-advertising. My attention returns to the task, and boy what a task. First to arrive are Lovebirds. In this Detour teams change into costumes, are hooked up with rigged wires and will be filmed doing a stunt sequence in front of a blue screen. They meet the Taskmaster General, a laid-back man of indeterminate age wearing a T-shirt that says I'm much hotter on the internet. He introduces himself as Chris.

"I have just the right costumes for you ladies, it just happens that they started filming SMUT Bunnies: The Movie last week and we have the scene all set up," he grinned. Oooooh, I heard they are filming the adaptation of the comic, and I can't believe CBS set itself up for another product placement. May be they have negotiated first showing rights of "Making of SMUT Bunnies – the Documentary"?

Lovebirds are excited as hell. "I've been reading SMUT Bunnies since the first edition, I have the entire collection, each edition is sealed in an airtight bag and double wrapped, so the paper quality doesn't deteriorate," Willow explains. AHA! I have her pegged as a geek from day one and I'm never wrong, I dance the gleeful dance of recognizing another geek.

"Um, I like them too," Tara says softly. "I like the art, it's very realistic and lively." Not to mention the hot women, my inner snark smirks, but shuts up when it sees how sweet Tara looks. Swoon.

"So, ladies, I'm gonna kit you up as Bunny Agents. We're shooting a scene where Agents Shy Bunny and Adorabunny infiltrate the costume ball on the Disco Volante and they make their escape by jumping onto their Aston Martin submarine. You remember who they dressed up as?" he asks. Do I detect a slight leer? Bad, bad Taskmaster Chris. You can drool but do it in private!

"Supergirl and Lara Croft," Willow supplies the answer immediately. Both girls blush. Yeah, me too, when I look back at the comic (what? I have the entire collection too. I'm a geek, sue me) and remember how totally hot the agents are in their disguise. No wonder Taskmaster Chris is drooling at the thought.

When Lovebirds reappear in their costumes, I realize it has turned into Make Your Recapper Drool All Over the Carpet Day. Hubba bubba. I reach for the remote for the air-con and make a mental note to put ice in my shower. Of course they're hot, but their discomfort and embarrassment at being dressed in such provoking outfits make them cuter. I'd give my left kidney to be a fly-on-the-wall in the changing room, to see their reactions when seeing each other dressed up. I bet it's full of shy, coy glances that speak their desire more than a thousand words. They casually compliment each other, while resisting the impulse to rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love in the tiny confines of the changing room. Heehee, I'm turning into a fanfic writer, somebody give me a smut-filled fic challenge to sink my teeth into!

Taskmaster Chris sets them up in harnesses and attaches them to the wire rig. They stand on top of what is supposed to be the deck of the ocean liner, and water is splashed over them to make it more realistic. There is a rocking movement, mimicking the vessel moving with the roll of the waves.

"I feel like I'm spilling out of this suit," Tara says, trying hard not to squirm in her outfit.

"Yeah it's pretty tight especially when it's wet, and not much support," Willow adds, while adjusting her weapons belt.

At Chris' word, the 'agents' dive off the platform into a mini-swimming pool, doubling as the ocean. They swim a few strokes and climb aboard the Aston Martin submarine. At this point they are soaking wet and their costumes all sorts of clingy. Willow flexes her shoulders as she pretends to start the vehicle and I'm heading dangerously towards NC-17 territory. Tara shakes water out of her hair and the action looks exactly like a shampoo ad. You know, when the model rises up from underneath the water surface, her back arched against the waterfall in the background, and shakes her head so droplets fall enticingly down her lithe, toned body. That's what Tara shaking water out of her hair looks like. Man, this is better than the Herbal Essence ad with the orgasmic moans.

"While you change back into your own clothes, the computer will add the special effects," Chris instructs, helping the 'agents' out of their vehicle. How does he keep a straight face? I bet he's drooling internally.

The film is realistic and action-filled, and I did I say hot already? Well, it bears repeating, the sight of Willow and Tara dressed as SMUT Bunny Agents has completely redeemed the season for me. If I never see The Amazing Race ever again, I'll be happy. Sigh.

After watching the film, they receive the next clue, telling them about taking the postcard to the Opera House and writing down the name of the original architect. Chris looks over their shoulders at the clue and says "Jørn Utzon, the architect's name is Jørn Utzon. Jørn is spelt with a slash across the 'o'," Oh hey! Now he's turning into Fern. We can't have that. He grins at his own cleverness.

Lovebirds thank him profusely and run off to the next routemarker. "He knows all about SMUT Bunnies and comics and other stuff like Star Trek and Buffy and wargames. He's an even bigger geek than Willow. They were talking so much to each other I had to gently remind her that we had a Race to run, if not they'd still be talking," Tara laughs. "He gave us his website address though, he's so sweet."

Next to arrive at Taskmaster Chris' Room o' Tricks are Team Efficiency. Chris is now wearing a T-shirt that says Objects under this T-shirt are larger than they appear, and a large luminous arrow pointing down. I crack up, this guy's funny.

Faith takes one look at the T-shirt and says to Robin, "You need this T-shirt." Oh, I'm cracking up so hard my kidneys hurt. Robin and Chris share a look, as if each mentally comparing himself against the other guy, you know, the way guys do.

"You know what will be perfect for you two? Neo and Trinity," Chris says as he leads them to a Matrix rig.

I wait with bated breath for them to reappear in costume, and when they do my eyes bulge so much my eyeballs are in danger of falling to the floor to join my jaw, which has already dropped there. That girl Faith is born to be decked out in all leather and shades, believe me. I imagine her in red latex and I can feel myself zone out. I hope some casting agent is watching, cos she can give Sydney Bristow a run for her money any day.

Chris gives Robin a jealous look, as if saying, "Yeah dude, no wonder you have larger objects than me, with a girlfriend like that." Robin himself is looking very cool, with his long leather coat and clunky boots and dark glasses. Even behind the glasses, Robin has the smirk of the very lucky.

They get ready for their stunt which involves going through a few martial arts moves and jumping off blocks around 15 feet high onto a heavily padded safety net. The resultant film, of them dodging bullets Matrix-style, then both leaping off the top of a skyscraper, should make even Master Yuen smile.

While they're watching, TallShort arrive. Looks like they aren't as far behind as I thought. Riley at the chessboard probably delayed Efficiency.

Chris leaves Efficiency with the film and greets his newest vict-, er, customers. He takes one look at the duo and says one word, "Tarzan." Next thing we see…Oh. my. god. Adam in a loincloth as Tarzan and Oz in a monkey suit as Cheetah. This is How Many Shocks Can Your Recapper Take Day!

Efficiency are on their way out of the studio and they do a double take when they see TallShort. "Hey Jungle Man, you've got a nice object under your loincloth," Faith smirks. I'm dying here. Robin looks like he's trying not to laugh and fart at the same time.

Oz raises an eyebrow. "Yeah, nice loincloth you have there," he says to his team- mate. Look people. I so don't need my attention to be drawn to the very tiny, cheetah print [*groan*] loincloth that barely covers Adam's, um, objects, okay?

If Adam is embarrassed about displaying his objects, he's not showing. "Thanks, I like your tail," he tosses back at Oz.

"It doesn't make my butt look big?" Oz deadpans. Oh fuck me with a feather. These two should have their own show, they're the masters of deadpan, makes Stan Laurel smile a rare smile in his grave.

Adam raises an eyebrow. "Not compared to the rest of you, Monkey Boy."

Now it's Oz's turn with the raised eyebrow. "Didn't see that coming, I'm impressed."

Wow, that's the most emotion this pair has shown, like, all Race, it's quite the event. I feel like it's Imitate Phil's Eyebrow Pop Day and my knees go weak at the eyebrow popping. Don't y'all know I have a weakness for hot dudes popping their eyebrows?

They get ready for their stunt. Taskmaster Chris has in the meantime changed into a T-shirt that says Don't Panic. It'll only seem kinky the first time. Why is Chris changing T-shirts every time a team appears? This guy is nuts, but a good sort of nuts. Sars and Wing should recruit him, I bet he does a mean recap.

Meanwhile, Efficiency are leaving. Faith gives Chris a friendly kiss on the cheek before running off. He blushes 15 shades of pink and covers up his puppy-eye look at Faith by returning to Tarzan and Cheetah. He rigs them up and shows them how to swing from 'trees', just like they're in the jungle.

As if my day isn't crazy enough, I have Tarzan and Jane (click to play) playing in a loop inside my head as soon as I see TallShort as Tarzan and Cheetah. Sheesh, these 90s dance music are addictive.

Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong
So listen to the jungle song

Go Cheetah, Get Banana
Hey Monkey, Get Funky

Sigh. I think I'll have to ask for early retirement, or a long sabbatical, after this Race is over. My mind is slipping.

Tarzan and his pet monkey finish the stunt, and the film is wild, man. They get their clue from Chris, now sporting a T-shirt that says Chaos! Panic! Disorder! My Work Here is Done! So, it's HIM! He's the one causing chaos in my head. Help! Help! [/Penelope Pitstop voice]

After the craziness that is the Best. Detour. Ever, we are pulled back to the dreariness that is the rest of the Race. Arriving first at the Opera House are Lovebirds, fresh from their Smut Bunnies experience (I'm still hyperventilating).

They exit their taxi, take a moment to admire the unique architecture, and are at the routemarker. They hand the postcard with the answer to the lady at the souvenir shop and receive their next clue.

Now, the debate on whether they should receive a time penalty because they arrived with the answer, which Taskmaster Chris gave them. First of all, we are not privy to all the inner workings of the Race, may be they do receive a time penalty at the Pitstop, may be they don't. It's entirely up to the Amazing Producers. Secondly, the name of the architect is so prominently displayed in and around the Opera House, even Riley will have no problems flipping through a souvenir brochure or looking at a plague and finding the answer. How much time do Willow & Tara gain by knowing the answer to the clue already? In my opinion, probably only 5-10 minutes.

Right, rant over. The next clue is a Roadblock. Teams have to 'Eat 3 Tigers in Woolloomooloo'. They are not told where or what Woolloomooloo is, or even how to pronounce it. And I know the Amazing Producers are sadistic, but they won't have teams eat actual tigers. I hope. It's hilarious, hearing them making moo-moo sounds, they laugh at themselves too. They ask a few people around the Opera House, eventually they learn that Woolloomooloo (I love typing this out!) is just east of the Opera House district and they are to go to Harry's Café de Wheels. They hop into a taxi.

Phil explains that Harry's is a mobile café that has been in its current location since the 1930s and is world famous for its beef pies. Their 'Tiger' is a pie topped with mashed potato, mushy peas and gravy. I feel the need to brag now, because I've been to Harry's and I'm so in love with the pies that when my gf suggested going to Australia for vacation I was like "Yay pies!" and not "Yay! Opera House! Harbour Bridge! Koalas!"

In the mean time, Goldies (geez, I've forgotten about them, I'm so lucky) and Efficiency pull up at the Opera House almost at the same time. Like I said before, getting the name of Jørn Utzon is so very easy, but the Roadblock has them stumped. Riley tries to pronounce Woolloomooloo and I totally crack up, he's making mouth movements like he's blowing out candles. Faith doesn't even try to pronounce it, just laughs insanely at Riley's attempt.

They split up to ask directions, which Goldies find first. They hop into a taxi, and when Efficiency sees that, they merely hop into the next one and shout "Follow that cab!" Is this the most overused phrase in the movies? I hazard a guess, yes. Heh.

Lovebirds arrive at Harry's, having decided that Willow is taking the Roadblock. She shrugs and begins eating. I expect a reaction from her at the amount she has to consume, but she tucks in like she hasn't eaten all week. "It was a long day and I was hungry, I didn't feel stuffed till after the second pie, the third one was a challenge. I'm glad they weren't pork pies though, I'm Jewish and Tara is vegetarian, so that would have been fun to try," she explains.

This is an okay Roadblock, as far as a Foodblock goes. Not too off-putting, like the African meat one in Leg 6. Three portions of pie seems tame though, the Amazing Producers could have may be made them eat six. But, hey, that's just me. I like torturing my teams.

The Comedy Duo of TallShort arrive at the Opera House, get their clue and are off to find the pies.

Back at Harry's it's Buffy against Robin. No matter how much Buffy can scoff, she is simply no match for Robin, who almost bite off the entire portion in one mouthful. Is size of mouth proportional to, say, size of objects? Yeah, I don't wanna go there.

Willow finishes her pies and gets the clue for the Pitstop.

Now we return to the team I have forgotten. R.Randy leave their ferry and arrive at Taronga Zoo. Phil is obviously enjoying being near home, he returns to our screen in a checked shirt and tight pants, his Kiwi accent oh so more obvious. He explains that the Pitstop is slightly different than usual, in that a task is involved. When teams arrive at the Zoo they will make their way to the bird show amphitheater where a handler will fly one of the resident birds of prey onto the outstretched arm of the team members. When the bird lands, the team will be checked in. I pick my jaw back up from its dropped position on the floor, it's been spending a lot of time there today. What an amazing experience!

When R.Randy arrive, they are told that they will be getting their timecheck by one of the cockatoos. The handler equips them with gloves and it's a beautiful swooping shot of the bird coming in to land. The inner child in me screams that I want to go to Taronga Zoo next weekend.

Rupert & Randy, you're team number one. That's two legs in a row, they look so pleased with themselves. "Winning the fast forward gave us a great adrenalin rush, we are totally unstoppable now. We're gonna win this thing," Randy interviews.

Back at Harry's Robin finishes just as TallShort pull up. Buffy finishes shortly afterwards and the Two Athletic Couples are off to catch their ferry.

Lovebirds at the Circular Quay, they get on a ferry crowded with school children. They look out for the other teams and breathe a sigh of relief as the ferry leaves with only them aboard.

Goldies and Efficiency arrive at the quay and board another ferry. Although the editing suggests they are close to Lovebirds, a quick search for the timetable reveals the ferries are actually half an hour apart. Pffft, Amazing Editors, trying to fool me?

Meanwhile Oz finishes for his team. Unless there is a miracle and this is a non-Elim, we won't be getting any more deadpan humor anymore. My heart cries.

At Taronga Zoo, Willow & Tara receive their check-in time from a beautiful Barking Owl. They are team number two.

"We had the most wonderful day, and looked at a side of ourselves we never thought possible. Now the whole world knows how hot my girlfriend is," Willow grins. Tara hides behind her. The capacity crowd at Club 71 and numerous viewing parties cheer wildly. Large portions of the viewing public, male and female, feel a need to adjust and shift in their seats.

Buffy & Riley beat Efficiency to the amphitheater, they hook up with a Long Billed Corella parrot and are team number three. "We're in the top three, that's the most important. We had a good leg, I'm very proud of our performance," Riley puffs his chest out as he speaks. I look away.

Faith & Robin are greeted by a Black Kite, welcome team number four. "The most awesome memory? It'll have to be either the film or just now, with the bird. No, I think seeing me and Ace on film as Matrix heroes. That was the coolest," Faith gushes.

"We're in fourth place, this is not a good position to be in. Coming up to the final bend, we have to double our efforts. But yeah, seeing myself as Keanu, that made my day," Robin grins.

So now we have Adam & Oz, jogging in last. They stretch out their arms to a White Bellied Sea Eagle, it's a spectacular sight. Phil does his "You're the last team to arrive. I'm….." pause for one second more than I can stand and it's not non-Elim. They are Philminated. I'm sad, and just as I'm getting into them and harboring secret thoughts about a TallShort victory too.

"It was a great trip, I have absolutely no regrets," Adam says.

"And I get to keep the monkey tail, I'm glad I came," Oz adds. What a great pair, I'll miss them as much as I miss BaldSnark or the Frats. Yes, I put them that high on my list of Recapper's Favorites.

As for my Final Three prediction? Y'all know I've been keeping score. Using the semi-scientific method I'm using, the final three will be Efficiency, Lovebirds and R.Randy. I'm going for that as final placing too.

Teaser for Episode 11

Confusion as teams are sent on a wild goose chase towards elusive transportation.

"What's this?" "Pork dumplings." "And this?" "Steamed pork dumplings." "What about these?" "Pork dumplings wrapped in vegetables." "Do you do anything other than pork dumplings?"

Tara signing to a toddler, and gets a smile and a hug.

Rupert admonishes his son. "Why can't you listen to me for once?"

Useful links & information

Fool's mate
Cricket rules
Two Up rules

Fox Studios
Harry's Café de Wheels
Taronga Zoo

Continued...

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