The Amazing Kitten Race

EPISODE ELEVEN:
HOLY COWBELLS, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING

Episode recap

Sydney Australia, where…y'all should know all about Sydney by now, so let's skip the tourist information spin o' tales, okay? All you need to know is Phil telling us how Sydney is chock full of Pitstop-y goodness, okay? Cos all you need is Phil [** try singing that to the tune of All You Need is Love**]

So, we're down to four teams. I spare a moment to think about the teams at Sequesterville. I picture Cordy, Lorne, Joyce and Anya holding an impromptu fashion show while the others look on. Well, others look on while Andrew drools. Snyder is off at the corner sulking by himself, having antagonized anyone within earshot. Adam and Oz, the newest recruits, are recounting their stunt adventures and demonstrating how exactly Oz's monkey tail is not too big for his butt. I have no clue what Darla, Angel, Ben and Glory are doing, I have no memory or impression of these teams, I'm sorry.

The ooomph factor continues at Pitstop. One of the advantages of pitstoping at a zoo is, of course, the animals. Cos, well, that's what they have at zoos. Oh look! They're cuddling a koala, how clichéd (oh, was I supposed to say cute? Blah!). Willow, Tara and Buffy look cute (okay?) with the koalas. Rupert surprisingly photogenic. Faith is like "Stop pawing me, furball." Randy looks like his koala just crapped on him. Robin and Riley, well, the least said the better.

Phil at the zoo is a sight for sore eyes. Problem is, he is wearing a powder blue v- neck sweater, which looks fine on him. No, my problem is I wish he'd put on a shirt. Or a T-shirt. Or even a wife-beater (with apologies to Mrs Phil, of course he doesn't beat wives). Cos the unlined look is so not him, I don't want my eyes to be distracted by hints of man-nipples thank you very much. I decide to blur my eyes and listen to him instead. He wonders if Rupert & Randy can continue their strong finishes (top place two legs running is nothing to scoff at!) and translate that to a place in the final dash. Translate? How do you translate finishes? "Er, I'll have a veneer finish because that means yellow clue envelope with secret instructions."

In other news, Phil wonders if Faith & Robin, the team with the most consistent record, will force their way into the final three. Or if Riley can temper his temper and concentrate on running the Race. Hee, I think Phil doesn't like Riley, I wonder why?

11.18pm. Rupert & Randy rip the clue envelope with such force that it falls apart. I giggle insanely. I wonder if they will receive a time penalty for damaging CBS property. What? I heard that the legal department at CBS is out of this world, man. Otherwise who could have come up with the disclaimers, gag orders and contracts all reality tv cast have to sign, not to mention the release agreements every person who comes into contact with the Racers have to sign? "You want to be a Fern on the Amazing Race? Here, sign this 30 page release, you agree to give up you front teeth, your unborn babies and the limited edition Backstreet Boys lunchbox you quietly squirreled away if you even breathe a word of your participation in the Amazing Race to anyone before, during and after the show without prior consent from us, got it?" [**Help! Help! The recapper cries in vain as she is led away by the contract police in fur-lined handcuffs and Y-clamps and a buckle collar…ooops wrong image. **]

Anyway the clue, when they finally retrieve it from the ground, tells them to fly to Hong Kong, make their way to Ocean Park and find Jia Jia and An An. Phil explains that Ocean Park is a Sea World like theme park that has dolphins, sealions, sharks and other marine animals that boasts three million visitors a year. Oh great, it's all a big zoo family. He doesn't explain who or what Jia Jia and An An are. Hospitality attendants? Seeing that it's an aquarium park, it's probably a pair of dolphins or sealions. Or something completely unexpected, like Amazonian fertility goddess statues. [*with names like Jia Jia and An An? You're delusional.*]

No interview from this team, I breathe a sigh of relief at not having to listen to Randy say "we're the team to beat" again. Then again, this may mean a double dose of Riley. Oh, Rupert & Randy, all is forgiven, come back and talk to us!

12.26am. Willow & Tara look like they had time for laundry at the Pitstop, no wild monkey sex afterglow this time. Tara is wearing her red number 4 t-shirt (mmmm, remember wet t-shirt coming out of the zorb? gulp) and Willow is wearing one with the number 11. I think it's the first time they've been in 'matching' T-shirts with numbers. What's up with that? They count out the money, they have a whopping $289 for this leg of the Race. What the fuck?

They seem to be pleased with themselves. "We guessed that we might be returning to Asia, we're happy about that," Willow expositions. If she continues to explain how she calculated the statistical possibilities of where the next country will be using just pencil and paper, I won't be surprised. "We might be totally wrong, but after Hong Kong, I think there's a high possibility we're heading into China or to Japan. That's my guess anyway."

"We made a wish list of where we want to go, for fun, like Hawaii and Alaska," Tara giggles. Is that what they get up to at the Pitstop? Make fun lists of where they want to go next? I think they do more than that, snerk. Oh, and they're more than 1 hour behind R.Randy, but I sense another airport bunching coming up.

12.57am. Buffy & Riley and their baggage, and I'm not talking about the packs on their backs. Buffy interviews that she has let Riley make almost all the decisions up to this point, cos it's in his nature to be assertive and firm. "If he hadn't been a professional athlete, he would have enrolled into the Army, that's how structured and disciplined he is," she says. "It's in his nature to be intense about competition, that's why he may have ruffled a few feathers so far. Perhaps it's time for me to exert my calming influence, so he can focus even more. We fight sometimes, but we're a good team, I'm 100% behind Riley's actions." I roll my eyes. Was that a defense for Riley's behavior? If that is the case, I'm sorely disappointed in Buffy. She seems to think he can do no wrong, can she see beyond his obnoxiousness?

1.12am. Faith & Robin. Faith interviews that they're trying to be intensely relaxed. How can you be intensely relaxed? Isn't that an oxymoron? "We'll catch back up – the other teams better watch out. We'll build up our momentum and it'll be tough to stop us." Whatever, Faith.

They're also excited to be going to Hong Kong. "I wonder if we'll bump into Jackie Chan, I'm a big fan," says Robin. Look, I'm sure the people of Hong Kong are happy to have someone that famous bringing attention to their city, but I'm also sure they're none too happy about being stereotyped constantly. Come on, just think about Asians on screen and what image do you get? All Chinese know Kung Fu, all Japanese are members of the yakuza, all Asian women are subservient and if you need a doctor/scientist type you should always get an Asian. Get my drift? If I tell you some of the US stereotype that exists in other countries you'd laugh – all Americans wear ten gallon hats, live in trailer parks and think Switzerland invented Volvos. The crime rate is so high that everyone owns a gun and AIDS is everywhere. Now if their idea of us is so wrong, the reverse is probably true. *Deep breath* Okay, the need to rant carried over from the last recap, and though it really doesn't have any impact as far as the recap goes, it's a social learning experience, isn't it? [*That scores may be 7 out of 10 as far as rants go, so I'll be lenient. But make sure you know I'm still sharpening that spork. Love, Sars.*]

Rupert & Randy arrive at Sydney airport to find that, lo and behold, the last flight to Hong Kong left at 10.20pm. There is a 7.30am flight next morning that will arrive 3.30pm local time. They are disgruntled by the 'airport equalizer', as Randy describes it. I'm just thankful he didn't describe Sydney as rural again, he's already persona non grata in Queensland, he probably doesn't want to extend that honor to New South Wales.

When the other teams arrive later they find father and son already settled at the departure area, with their sleeping bags and Randy's frilly eyeshades. Oh I remember he has flight cushions too, I bet he uses moisturizers and whitening lotion, he's the gayest non-gay person since, well, I can't think of anyone except Dame Edna and that's being disrespectful to the Dame.

Willow & Tara quickly find a secluded spot, spread out their sleeping bag and snuggle together in their makeshift bed. The ear-splitting "awwww's" can be heard all the way to Jupiter.

Buffy, on the other hand, is throwing a mini hissy fit. "Two nights in a row. I'm sick of sleeping at airports," she whines. "Can we go to the airport hotel so we can get a good night's sleep?" Oh she's all Mini Me now.

Riley is, for once, right. He's like, it's already 2am and they have to come back by 5.30am, so what's the point of going to a hotel? Buffy pouts that she wants needs to sleep in comfort, she stops short of stamping her little feet like a stubborn 3 year old. Riley frowns and tries the "we don't have the money" spin, which doesn't go down well either. He wins at the end, and a reluctant Buffy spreads their sleep gear out on a corner. She turns her back against him, and he shoots her an exasperated look.

Faith & Robin are already asleep.

7.10am. Bleary-eyed teams troop onto the plane. I don't know who is yawning more, them or me. Watching exhausted individuals who look worse than the bum who lives under the screen at Times Square stumble onto a jumbo jet is not my idea of prime time entertainment. Next shot is of them scooping food into their mouths and Randy asking the stewardess for more coffee. After breakfast, they fall into a stupor. Randy sleeps with his mouth open, it's not a pretty sight. The couples are huddled together. No! Not like that! They huddle with their own partner, in pairs. Sheesh, I say huddled together and you think of nookie orgies, where has your mind been? [** nookie orgies. Is that what you get up to when we send you to Vegas for recappers' conference? It'd better not show up on your expense report. Love, Sars.**]

The Amazing Yellow line makes a curvy progress from the bottom right of Australia to somewhere in the middle of Asia's east coast. Stock footage of the underbelly of a plane arriving at Hong Kong airport. Teams stream out to the crowded arrivals hall, looking like they've had more rest.

They get on a train and there's a blipvert to another station where they pile into taxis. "Ocean Park, as fast as you can," says Robin, they're the first team to get into a taxi.

"Fast, fast," Riley repeats in his taxi. He waves some money within the vision of his driver. "Ok, ok," says his taxi driver, who puts his foot on the gas.

So now we have taxi drivers pretending to be playing Grand Theft Auto, only on the real road. With other real cars. Goldies' driver grits his teeth and concentrates while Efficiency's driver is less motivated, cos of the no money waving in front of him. No surprise that Goldies' taxi arrive at the park first. They run out and head towards the ticket counter, but when they try to ask the cashier about Jia Jia (which Riley pronounce "Jar Jar", ahhhh please don't remind me of that stupid Gungan!) and An An, the cashier indicates that he can't hear them behind the security glass. And he can hear how many tickets? Strange selective voice transmitting property that glass screen has.

By that time Efficiency have arrived and are buying tickets. Lovebirds and R.Randy taxis pull up shortly.

Goldies find their way to the information counter where they are told Jia Jia and An An are two giant pandas. Oh how cute! Come on, don't be a prude, how often do you see cute cuddly pandas? That is exactly the expression on Buffy's face as they run towards the panda house, but Riley is all business.

The other teams waste no time in getting what they need and they run off too. The panda house is painfully obvious in its location, with giant posters of the pandas adorning all its outside walls. Teams run and run, skirting hordes of tourists up the long walkway (ewwww, I hate pink paint) into the panda house.

The pandas are too busy eating to notice the mad humans passing through. "I've never seen a panda in real life before. Even though we didn't have a lot of time, the few minutes inside were magical. We keep having these unforgettable experiences," Tara describes.

The next clue tells them to find Trader #12909 at the Stock Exchange. I knew it! Bunching time again, cos it's already early evening and the exchange will be closed. So, are teams going to move around this leg as a group, and we're getting a footrace at the end? I like footraces as much as the next person but in a showdown between the four teams, my favorite team may not do as well. So I vote nay for footrace.

They get into taxis and head towards the Stock Exchange, knowing full well what to expect there. No one (except anyone who has lived under a rock and has no idea what bunching is) is surprised to see closed doors.

Teams disburse to look for a hotel for the night. "The Stock Exchange is in the Central Business District, and opposite the famous Mandarin Oriental Hotel. We seriously thought of staying there, but it would have busted our bank. We flagged down a taxi and asked the driver to take us to a more economical hotel," Randy explains.

Lovebirds are walking around with their guidebook, presumably looking for a hotel too. Next we see them on a bus, eagerly looking out at the scenery. They are sitting with a young mother and her toddler. I'm amazed, since they seem to be communicating in sign language. Now what I know about signing isn't enough to fill the back of a bus ticket, but even I know that sign language is not universal and differs by country. For instance, British fingerspelling uses two hands whereas the American version uses one. Looks like Tara is getting through to the child using a mixture of sign and gestures. The child laughs and her mother smiles broadly. Now this is what I signed up to watch the Amazing Race for, watching Racers interact with people they meet on the way, it makes the rank taste of stupid bunching, Riley's nastiness, Randy's randomness and even Faith & Robin's endless sports metaphors disappear. Before they exited the bus the toddler give them a big hug.

"We met a mother and baby on the bus, the baby was so cute. Makes me think back at the baby leopard again, I haven't been able to get babies off my mind," Tara says whimsically.

"For someone so distracted by babies, Tara is doing pretty well running the race," Willow teases. Tara blushes. A dozen fertility clinics get ready to send Lovebirds publicity materials.

Later, we see them strolling along the waterfront hand in hand, the camera backs away as they move closer together and share a sweet kiss. I reach for my tissues and my supersized cup of hot chocolate. Hallmark moment much?

Meanwhile Efficiency are at a bustling night market, may be they are honing their intensely relaxed skills. "The market was fascinating, they had everything. Fake watches, t-shirts, cheap jewelry, even adult toys! We had to save our money, but we both bought t- shirts," Faith enthuses. Glad to see teams having fun, and t-shirts? Probably most useful at this stage of the Race.

Goldies are at a restaurant, looking like they are strategizing. "We have to beat them, beat them all," Riley says. Hey, he's getting the hang of the Race! Beat the other teams! Go faster! Get to the next routemarker before any other team! And it's only, what, episode 11. Buffy nods and goes back to her guidebook. So that's how she exerts her calming influence on him, by ignoring him. Way to go Buffy!

Stock footage of the Stock Exchange. The traders wear giant red bibs with numbers at the back. Okay I can't decide whether this is better or worse than the garish jackets worn by the traders on the NYSE. Whatever.

Our teams stick out like sore thumbs amongst the workers waiting for the exchange to open, mostly in business attire. They join the rush inside as soon as the doors open. But wait! I see R.Randy. I see Efficiency. I see Goldies. WHERE ARE MY LOVEBIRDS? Argh!

The search for trader #12909 is swift. To be honest, once one team finds him, the other teams quickly catch on. First to get the clue are R.Randy. It's a Detour, with a choice between Bamboo Poles and Bamboo Baskets. Phil, thankfully out of his powder blue sweater and into a navy polo shirt, explains that in Bamboo Poles, teams travel two miles to a construction site and climb up scaffolding made from thin bamboo poles to retrieve their next clue. In Bamboo Baskets, teams go to a nearby dim sum restaurant and wheel food carts round till they manage to sell all the cart contents. Climbing the bamboo scaffolding is scary but will be quick, selling the dim sum is not scary but will take time. Classic Reckless/Chicken.

R.Randy can't decide which detour to pick and waste time debating. Efficiency, ever the predictable when it comes to tasks, choose the climbing. Goldies, again acting against type, go for the dim sum. R.Randy continue their committee meeting.

"I saw those scaffolding when we came out from the airport, they rate off the scale on the shudder-o-meter, I vote dim sum," says Randy.

"People in these parts have been using bamboo for centuries, it's sturdy and durable. I'm sure it'll be safe," Rupert argues.

"It gives me the willies," Randy whines.

Rupert glares exasperatedly at his son. "Why can't you listen to me for once? This is faster. Don't you want to win the Race?"

Randy blinks, clenches his jaw and concedes. They leave for the climbing task.

I'm not paying attention, not even at the R.Randy bickering. I don't care about the detour. I don't care about how rickety these bamboo scaffolds are. I don't care about dim sum, even though I like them occasionally. No, I care about where Lovebirds are. I'm beside myself with worry.

Finally they arrive at the Stock Exchange, looking flustered. My heartbeat comes down to the two hundreds. "We, um, overslept. Which is very bad at this stage of the Race. We can't let ourselves get distracted anymore, I hope we're not eliminated because of our mistake," Willow voice-overs. Distracted? By what? Cute toddlers on buses causing maternal instincts to pop up so they spend the night ? Naming constellations again? Drooling over each other at the memory of their SMUT bunnies outfits?

They find trader #12909 and talk briefly about which Detour to take. They are apprehensive about the climb, but realize they need to gain as much time as they can.

Efficiency are already at the site. "Holy Cowbells, look at the size of that thing," Robin exclaims. It's like a wooden trellis has been parked against the side of a very tall building.

The instructor hooks them up and they get going very quickly, making easy work of the climb and reaching the cluebox without problems.

Meanwhile R.Randy arrive and are kitted up. Randy admits that Rupert made the right call, and he's sorry for doubting his dad. "Sometimes the old man is more right than right," he interviews.

"Who are you calling an old man?" Rupert asks good-naturedly.

Both teams are small spots in the bamboo lattice when Lovebirds arrive, out of breath. They are kitted up and ready to go in seconds. They share a small kiss and "good luck" before starting the ascend.

Efficiency have the clue and are starting their descent. They jump off the last section and emerge in good spirits. The next clue tells them to make their way to the fishing village of Tai O and find the items in four pictures in their clue envelope. The pictures, however, are taken at extreme close-up so there is no context. Oooh, I was at a dinner party once and played something like this as an ice-breaker, it's way cool.

They ask the instructor how to reach the village and are told they need to get a ferry. They are pointed towards the vague direction of the ferry terminal, but are met with a shrug when they ask for more information.

R.Randy at the top, they fumble and nearly drop their clue. They're not taking care of their clues today aren't they? They waste time trying to get the envelope, which is stuck precariously at the tip of a pole. Randy reaches for it and next thing we hear is a loud beep (actually we see Randy mouthing "fuck" which of course we hear "beep") and watching the envelope drifts frustratingly down towards the ground. They scramble to descend.

Lovebirds have in the meantime reached the suspended cluebox. They share another kiss and a "whoo hoo", it's a sight, seeing such loving shows of affection when they're still in their harness suspended two stories above the ground.

R.Randy reach the ground first and retrieve their wayward clue. They learn from Efficiency that the crew is not too helpful with the directions, so they decide to ask elsewhere.

"We were told to get the ferry, and when we asked whether we could gat a taxi all we received were blank looks. Someone says take a bus, someone says walk, it's very confusing," Rupert explains. They head to the ferries.

Lovebirds on terra firma finally.

"I wish Anya and Xander were still here," Willow sighs as they slip out of the harnesses.

"Why's that, sweetie?" Tara asks.

Willow shrugs. "You know they would have some choice words to describe this, bamboo poles climbing up a tall building. I like them, they make me giggle."

"Yeah, I miss them too. I wonder how they're doing?"

Oh Tara, you are in my brain [*you wish – Sars.*]. See earlier section about Sequesterville.

They walk into a bookstore and ask for directions to Tai O. Instead of the ferry, the storekeeper tells them to take the subway and change to a local bus, cos it's faster and more direct. Hmmm, how come the others got different advice? I hope this isn't bogus. Like, cost them the leg bogus.

I love going to dim sum restaurants. The dainty dumplings and pastries served in the small bamboo baskets or small dishes, I love the variety on offer, how I can try so many different flavors and textures in one meal. What? I'm easily satisfied.

Goldies arrive at a cavernous restaurant full of diners. They are directed to the kitchen staging area and are given aprons. APRONS! HAHAHA! They are then shown to their cart, already heaped with steaming bamboo baskets. The supervisor tells them what the contents are, while they open each stack to see what is inside.

"What's this?" asks Buffy.

"Pork dumplings."

"And this?"

"Steamed pork dumplings."

"What about these?"

"Pork dumplings wrapped in vegetables."

Beat.

"Do you do anything other than pork dumplings?"

"Not this cart," says the supervisor.

Does it matter what is in the cart? Judging by the reaction of the customers, intrigued by a cart pushed by two admittedly pretty looking individuals in APRONS!, they could be trying to sell congealed eggs and the people will buy them out of curiosity.

Buffy in particular is enjoying herself, joking with people using hand gestures and smiles. It is like a chicken trying to talk to a duck, but she gets her message across and manages to offload many baskets. A large family, including two grandmas, countless children and fat uncle take half a dozen baskets off her hands and everyone is happy. Even Riley smiles at the young children, who are like "what's this thing trying to flash his teeth at me".

The last few baskets are more difficult to sell, and it takes them a few more minutes. They receive the clue for the fishing village and ask for directions. They are told about the ferry too.

A nice segue to what looks like the ferry terminal where Rupert & Randy are just disembarking from their taxi. They look for a ferry to Tai O but are unsuccessful. Shortly afterwards Faith & Robin pull up and they are also puzzled at Tai O's absence on the destination list, though they are lucky enough to find someone who speaks English. Helpful Local Man tells them to take the ferry to another part of the island they are heading for, and then change to a bus.

Efficiency run to the ferry, and we have some fake tension between them and R.Randy about whether they make it onto the service. And of course they do, Randy and Robin exchange wary looks.

Goldies arrive a little later, they make it to another ferry, larger and more crowded, probably slower too. They share a row of seats with a family with two young children. It's a marked difference between their reaction to the children and Lovebirds'. They are not rude or anything, but they simply pretended the kids don't exist. Not very friendly, but not unexpected. I really won't want to be any offspring of these two.

Now, talking about good parent potentials, where in the world are Lovebirds? Looks like they took the storekeeper's advice and have found themselves on the subway. "We were told that the traditional method to the fishing village is ferry then bus, but with the opening of the new subway line, apparently it cuts the journey time by up to an hour because of the ferry schedule. We'll still need to get a local bus, but we're thrilled that we ran into such good luck," Tara explains. I do an interpretive dance that shows my excitement at the mention of an hour's traveling time saved.

They alight the subway at a mall and locate their bus quickly. Their destination can't be more different than their alighting point. Where the subway and mall are sleek and modern, Tai O village has retained its rural charm, with old wooden houses built on stilts over the water. Elderly women tend to boats and fishing nets – it is that quaint. And a photographer's heaven.

They look at the macro pictures, some photographer sure had a field day setting these up. Phil helpfully runs us through the results. I'm like, dude, dried shrimp that look like spicy fries? Hanging shark that looks like someone's vacation trophy? What do they do at this village?

Dried egg yolks

Dried shrimp

Sign on building

Mini shark

They start looking at the stores along the main road, which appears to be the only stretch of road with buildings on both sides. They identify the shark quickly, it looks like it's prominently displayed in front of the store, but I can't tell what type of store it is, what store sells dried up shark? They find the egg yolks at a stall just outside the shark store. Now I do wonder, what do you do with a dried egg yolk?

"We're concentrating on the task and not looking too closely at what these things are. The shark kinda grossed us out, but we have to focus. The shopkeeper says it's a gimmick for attracting people, I hope no one actually wants to buy that shark," Willow shudders.

Efficiency / R.Randy arrive at the ferry destination and spot the bus stop right outside the terminal. They have no problems getting on the right bus, they helpfully expositions that the journey time is one hour. Goldies also arrive and find their bus. The family they sat with at the ferry is on the bus also, now why don't they do a little canoodling and get information?

The shark is a hoot, everyone stares at it when they see it. Faith wishes they had a camera, Randy gingerly reaches out as if almost afraid to touch it. Rupert regards it with barely disguised mirth. They also find the dried egg yolks quickly. Rupert asks the stallholder what they are used for. She says for soups and steamed with rice. Huh, interesting.

Goldies arrive at the village and they have the same stupid reaction when they see the shark. They follow the path set by the other teams.

Lovebirds find the spicy fries, um, dried shrimp. More soup ingredient I expect. Only the sign, which is proving harder than they expect. There are many small buildings and small alleys that seem to lead to nowhere. It's a lot like Venice actually. Eventually they stumble upon the sign, at an out of the way location. "That sign was right at the other end of the village, we would have missed it if we weren't aimlessly walking all around the alleys," Willow says.

They receive the next clue, which tells them to return to the main island, catch a jetfoil to Macau and proceed to the Cathedral Sao Paulo. Hey! I thought Amazing Producers aren't doing spoon-fed clues this year. I throw virtual glares to signify my displeasure. They run back to the bus stop to look for the bus back to the subway. Smart, they remember the subway. [*as if they won't, they've run a good race so far.*]

Next to complete the task are R.Randy, Efficiency have the same problem locating the sign as Lovebirds, but they get it eventually. Both teams find themselves sharing the same ferry again.

Goldies find the sign by accident, they only need the spicy fries, which they find. They get on a later ferry.

Lovebirds emerge from the subway, ask for directions to the Macau jetfoil terminal. "It's only 5 minutes walk away, we lucked out on the subway," Willow smiles. You know, this is the sort of luck that wins Races, we've seen it time and time again.

Time to Macau – one hour.

Ferry people alight and run towards the jetfoil terminal. My EEFPs tell me that the subway station, ferry terminal and jetfoil terminal are all within 10 minutes' walk of each other, that's…convenient. In a I-want-to-go-to-a-fishing-village-and-Macau-on-the-same- day sort of way. Heh.

According to the CIA World Factbook, Macau is about 0.1 times the size of Washington DC. It has 3 long names – Macau Special Administrative Region, Aomen Tebie Xingzhengqu and Regiao Administrativa Especial de Macau – reflecting its history as a Portuguese colony that is now under the rule of China. Gambling and constructions are the largest industries contributing to the 20% growth in GDP in 2004. Wow, 20%. And wow, CIA World Factbook. [*you're such a glutton for information aren't you?*]

The first team to arrive is Lovebirds, they climb into a taxi and in hardly any time they make it to the Cathedral Sao Paulo. Their first surprise? It's not so much a cathedral as the remains of one, all that is left is the façade, and I do mean just one wall. Nothing else, not even parts of the other walls.

The cluebox is painfully obvious, at the top of a long series of steps leading to the ruins, right in front of what would have been the front entrance. It's a Roadblock, their next destination is the Macau Tower. They spend a little too much time discussing who should do it.

"Who isn't afraid of looking down?" Willow reads.

"Sounds like climbing up the tower, then rappel or zip line down," says Tara.

"Yeah, tower, 'looking down', something adrenalin-rushing for sure," Willow agrees.

"You've only done four Roadblocks, you do it," Tara reasons.

"Tara, it's the chance of a lifetime, I did the bungee, you should do this adventure," Willow replies, assigning the task to her team-mate.

"But this will be my sixth."

"It doesn't matter, I'll do the rest."

Well duh, girls. You're well matched physically and I believe mentally too, so it shouldn't matter who does Roadblocks. I send karma their way so they can stop being so indecisive and get going.

It's a nice shot of the Efficiency and R.Randy jetfoil skimming over the water and look! Having cup noodles and slurping soda. I suppose with all the intense racing and tension we forget about the everyday issues that we take for granted. Where do they eat? Are they getting enough liquids? And, um, what about bathroom breaks? Brennan (or was it Guidos? Colin? My brain is so addled) said that they tried to get all the eating and going to the bathroom done at pitstops. Food at pitstops is provided by the production, while any purchased on the road has to come out of the money given to them. I have this vision of teams stuffing their faces at pitstops and sneakily filling their backpacks too. I guess public transport is a good place to find bathrooms too.

We're back to the jetfoil, now doing a Millennium Falcon style of turn and land, complete with hydraulic hiss. The two teams get on taxis and head towards the cathedral.

Meantime Lovebirds are at the Macau Tower, at 1,100 feet the 10th tallest tower in the world. This Roadblock takes the Roadblocker 800ft up to the Skywalk, where they walk around a platform at the outer rim of the tower. Did I say the platform is about 3 ft wide, 800 ft up, there is no handrail, and it's on the outside? I grin evilly at the thought of seeing how the Racers freak out.

Tara seems to be inwardly brushing away her fear; she takes a deep breath, gets a hug from Willow and heads off into the elevator. Why does this remind me of the scene in Empire Strikes Back when Han Solo kisses Princess Leia (a totally unconvincing relationship, but that's another rant for another day), turns around and heads into the carbonite chamber. Argh, stop with the portend of impending doom! [*All I can say is, I'm just glad to be spared the Han/Leia non!relationship rant, cos that? sucked total suckage in the history of all suckages. Love, Sars.*]

Next we see her tenderly stepping out to the platform, she is all tethered and harnessed, but it's pretty windy up there and she's trying to do the stunt and keep her hair from blowing into her eyes. She takes one step at a time and tries to balance. She says this is probably the scariest thing she's ever done in her life and does little pep talks to herself that's really quite cute. You know, if anyone asks me to walk along a 3 ft wide platform a couple of feet off the ground, I'd skip and run all over it, cos 3 ft is pretty wide. But put that 800 ft up and it's like walking along a 6 inch wide plank. I wouldn't be doing pep talks to myself, I'd be blabbering incoherently.

On the ground, Willow is looking even worse for wear than her girlfriend. "I can't watch, but I can't tear my eyes away. I'm sure she's wearing safety equipment, but she looks so tiny up there," she is almost sobbing with worry.

R.Randy arrive at the cathedral, effortlessly find the clue. Rupert volunteers himself, on the account that he's a bossy twit and his son at this point does everything he says. They run back down the steps just as Efficiency arrive, they get Efficiency's taxi, even though Robin makes an attempt to tell the driver to wait for them. Well Robin, if you want to keep a taxi, it helps if you pay the driver to give him incentive.

Efficiency gets the clue and decide that Faith is the one doing the Skywalk.

Talking about Skywalk, Tara is about half-way and looking like she is gaining confidence, though the pep talks haven't stopped. "How much longer? Not far now, don't look down, keep your balance Tara-girl," she continuously encourages herself. "Do this quickly and you'll get back to Willow," she allows herself a nervous yet contented smile.

R.Randy arrive at the tower and Rupert scampers up. Probably scampering isn't quite the right word for someone of Rupert's, um stature, but that's how I feel, so there. Randy sidles up to Willow to ask how it's like. "Nail-biting," she answers tersely. I totally believe she has been biting her nails.

Efficiency arrives and Faith literally flings herself up the tower. "No one is surprised that Robin and I are adrenalin junkies, nothing scares us, this is gonna be fun," she says as she rides up the elevator, she's almost bouncing, and Faith bouncing? Is a good thing.

Goldies arrive at the cathedral, get the clue and Riley is taking the Roadblock. They arrive just as Rupert finishes his safety lesson. He is the picture of determination as he starts on the walk. "Fear is mostly in the mind, once you realize that, it becomes easier to overcome," he says. He sounds like Randy. Oh my god.

Faith continues to bounce on my screen, her harness fits tight and snug around her body, I grow dizzy at her bouncing. She needs to open up her own gym when she finishes the Race, she'll get enough members who are willing to pay good money to see her conduct a step class.

She catches up with Rupert within a few strides of walking along the platform. Tara is too far ahead but her progress is swift. Talking about Tara, she sighs her relief when she reaches the end. "Not a moment too soon," she says to herself. "That was exhilarating, and very frightening. I'm glad I did it," she says as she descends in the elevator. At the bottom she is tackled by Willow in a huge bear hug and a big kiss.

"You made it!"

"I did!" Tara exclaimed as they read the clue, telling them to fly to Taipei and check- in at Taipei 101, the Pitstop for this leg of the Race. Phil voices over with the standard "last team may be eliminated" warning.

"Does Macau have an international airport?" they wonder as they run towards the taxi stand. On the way they pass Goldies, about to embark on their Roadblock.

Up at the tower, Faith is done, she quickly grabs the clue and is down on ground level. They get their taxi. "Guess it's time for the airport," Robins says helpfully. Stating the obvious much? I'm relieved at the lack of sports metaphors this leg.

Rupert makes steady progress, while Riley gets prepared for his SkyWalk.

Rupert is done. We blipvert through Riley's task so he's also done.

Macau airport. Lovebirds. Air Macau ticket counter. There is a flight at 5.35pm, we see a clock showing 5.17pm. Will they get it? Will they? Will they?

The counter agent must be in cahoots with American Airlines (booo!), he shakes his head repeatedly. "Not even without check-in luggage? We can just get on the plane, we're not checking any luggage," the girls plead. No can do, the agent insists. Hiss!

They get the next flight at 6.45pm, arriving at 8.30pm in Taipei. They have enough time to browse a Taipei guidebook at a small newsstand, but the disappointment is evident.

Efficiency at the same Air Macau counter, getting tickets for the same flight.

R.Randy leaving their taxi and running to the Air Macau counter, they get on the same flight too.

In fact, here comes Goldies. Sigh. 'Airport Equalizer' strikes yet again.

Amazing Yellow Line hardly needs to break into a sweat as it hops and skips from Macau to Taipei, literally across a narrow stretch of sea.

First out of the airport are Goldies. They hop into their taxi and tell their driver to drive to Taipei 101. The driver takes a moment to understand the frenzied shouting. "Taipei 101!" Riley yells. "101!" Buffy echoes. The driver is confused. "Speak English!" Riley yells again.

Efficiency, in the next taxi, is faced with the same problem of a driver who does not understand. I'm surprised, as Taipei 101 is a fairly well known building. May be it's the way the teams are pronouncing it. Robin is as frustrated as Riley, trying to get his message through.

I honestly think better of this group of Racers. So far we haven't had too many Ugly American incidents. Riley's tantrum at the Swiss border comes to mind, but not at the scale of say, Kendra or Flo. It's part of international travel to struggle through the language barrier, complaining that it's the locals' fault is not the way to go. Ahem, teams, you're in their country, if they don't speak your language it's probably your fault.

R.Randy fare a little better, they find a taxi driver who knows where 101 is.

Lovebirds give their driver a piece of paper that presumably has their destination written on it. "We had time at Macau airport and realized we're going to a Chinese country, where the language is very different. We bought a small guidebook that has a picture of the building and showed it to our driver, it helped with the communication," Tara explains.

Efficiency taxi gets going, finally.

Goldies' taxi driver drives off too, but they're not sure he understands. "This is like a footrace to the Pitstop, only it's in a taxi, it's vital to get to our destination," Buffy interviews.

Beautiful night shot of the 101 story tall building (hence the name, I smirk), looking like multiple cupcakes stacked on top of each other. Phil is at what appears to be the observation deck and he tells us such useful information as the building is the tallest in the world in 3 of the 4 classification categories (Chicago natives breathe a sigh of relief, Sears Tower is still the tallest overall) and boasts the fastest elevators.

Fast or not, it's essential to get into aforesaid elevators. The wait at the lobby is intense, as Efficiency, R.Randy and Lovebirds vie for a position in the finale. Unusually, none of the teams are smiling, there is simply too much tension.

Drunken careening Amazing cameraman shows the path from the elevator to Phil. Who will it be? Who? Who? Who?

It's Faith & Robin, narrowly beating R.Randy to team number one. They look exhausted, but very happy. "We're in the finale, something we aimed for from the start. I know we can do it and win the Race, we're the strongest team here both mentally and physically," Robin interviews.

Rupert & Randy are team number two. "We are determined to go all out to win, we'll stop at nothing, we're focusing on the finish line, it's the only thing we will see," Randy says.

Willow & Tara check-in as team number three. "When we applied, we honestly never thought we'd come this far…to be in the final run-in. We're going to enjoy the rest of the race and do the best we can. We've come so far now, we owe it to ourselves to push as hard as we can, the other teams shouldn't rule us out as genuine competition," Willow says.

Here comes Buffy & Riley, the last team to arrive. "I can't believe our luck, our taxi driver, I have nothing to say," Riley shakes his head in defeat. "Give is to us, Phil," Buffy pleads. Phil looks sad for a moment, then tells them that it's the last of three pre- determined Non-Elims in the Race. They're still in the competition for the $1 million prize. Of course, they are mugged and they will start with no money the next race.

So they're taking four teams into the finale. Only one team will emerge as the winners of this Amazing Race. I know I have a 50% chance of happiness next episode, I'll start stocking up on the whisky then.

Teaser for Episode 12

In the special two-hour season finale, old rivalries surface and a showdown seems imminent.

It's a mad dash amidst rows and rows of books. Onlookers look on in amusement.

"I feel strangely like I'm home," Faith quips.

And someone takes a bad fall off a bike. There's blood, there's swearing, and there's much kicking of a twisted hunk of metal.

Plus the small matter of finding out who wins the Amazing Race.

Useful links & information

Hong Kong:
Ocean Park
Bamboo scaffolding
Tai O

We didn't exactly talk about it, because there was no need. My love and I, having agreed that we belonged to each other, decided that we would share everything from now on, even writing in this journal. It has a nice ring to it, our journal. Right now she's sitting on the bed sewing – I tore my t-shirt on the plane to Taipei, luckily it was dark and in an unobtrusive place because we wouldn't have had time to stop and change. She's good at these domestic tasks, sewing, gardening, cooking, it's like she has a flair for them. I don't mean it in a stereotypical way, or that I want to put her in a box. She is quite the domestic goddess. We joked that she'll be the one setting all the rules in our home, although I will be the one devising schedules and making lists.

Our home. Everything has an 'ours' before it now, the distinction between personal possessions have blurred, what is mine is also hers and what she owns now I also own.

She jokes that we're becoming positively socialist, to which I answered that the purest form of socialism is unconditional love. She raised her eyebrow quizzically at that, in that uniquely adorable way. Well, I'm biased, because everything she does is completely and utterly adorable. I can look at her doing the most mundane thing and I can't tear my eyes away.

The most mundane thing, Will? Even when I'm peeling off my face mask and I have lumps of blue stuff all over my face? Even when my fingers are full of dirt when I'm out gardening? Or even washing my hands, putting on socks or doing laundry?

Socialism and unconditional love? Is that a new Willow-invented concept? Under true socialist ideals, the concept of monogamous relationships won't exist. If resources and production are distributed evenly with society, and extending the idea of resources to people, does it mean that I have to share you? Oh no, that I'm emphatically not doing.

Heehee, that was Tara grabbing the journal from my hands and adding her thoughts. And yes, me too, me too. I'm not sharing, no way. I'm so hopelessly in love, all I want is to feel her softness against me all the time. Even during tense moments in the Race I momentarily forget about the need to hurry, and luxuriate in how she feels against me. It's a deep sort of love, deeper than I've ever imagined possible, that I marvel at the unending amount of love that exists between us. Simple touches, a smile, a look, that was all we need, to feel it all over again.

Oh honey, how sweet! But you don't need to write me a big love letter in our journal, because what you feel for me, is exactly what I feel for you. It's so easy to write pages upon pages words that declare our love. But, my love, do we need so many words?

Besides, we're supposed to be recording our thoughts on the race in this journal.

Alright, yes my love, returning to the Race. Last night was one of the few rest stops that wasn't a Pitstop. It's a different feeling. At Pitstop we have our eyes permanently fixed on the clock, the routine is set and all we focus on is the Race. Nights like last night feel more like we're on vacation. We spent much of last night talking. Small whispered words of love, and lots of laughter too. Moments like that, we could almost forget we were in a competition, I felt very close to her, without even the need for physical expression. It was enough to be in each other's arms. We didn't want to sleep at all, but we finally did.

Woke up later than expected, and was late to the task at the Stock Exchange.

eeeep, that was embarrassing.

That was bad, we can't do that again. We're almost at the final, and if we are eliminated because we were too busy making out, however pleasurable, we'll surely regret it. We joke that we should keep our private moments minimal, but then quickly decide it is impossible to do.

We'll probably be able to abstain for may be one night, cos my redhead is such a vixen.

LOL I'm a vixen? Look in the mirror my love. Luckily we were able to catch up on lost time. Today's tasks were the most physical on the entire Race. For the detour we had to climb up a tall building using a bamboo scaffolding system. I know that scientifically the structure is safe, considering how the poles are overlapped together, but they are too thin and who'd heard of using wood as scaffolding? It's hard for our steel-and-concrete trained minds to change our perceptions.

The Roadblock, which she took, was walking around the top of a tall tower along a walkway that is out in the open and with no handrails. I can imagine my legs giving out and not wanting to move, but my love did it bravely. I'm so proud of her.

I was terrified. I felt very exposed, because whenever there was a breeze the whole tower would wobble and because there wasn't any handrail, there was nothing to hold onto, except the safety wire. I kept myself going by telling myself that Will was waiting at the bottom and I had to get to her as fast as I could. *Smile* the best motivator ever.

We finished third, even though we'd been in front for most of the race. It will be a close start next leg, I think there's no more than 20 minutes between Faith & Robin and Buffy & Riley.

On my mind now, apart from Tara of course, is how we should prepare for the next leg. There are 4 teams left, which can mean either one more elimination leg (which seems unlikely, as they told us there are 3 non-Elims and we've had 3 already), or it's a non-stop leg right to the finish. The last thing Tara and I want is a footrace, because we are simply no match for the athletes in terms of running speed. We must make sure we keep our wits with us at all times.

She just asked me who our tightest competition are. Without a doubt it's Faith & Robin. They're fit, they don't make many mistakes, and they're competitive. And Tara will kill me for saying this, they're both also very attractive individuals.

I have many words to say to you, Willow Rosenberg, some of them not words you'd expect to come from my mouth. So I'll just say this, I know I'm no competition as far as Faith or Robin goes, but I hope that you'll always come back to me, cos I'll always be there for you.

I think they're nice people, I suppose we share the 'unconventional' couple title with them, thankfully we haven't felt much discrimination or problems along the way. The production crew and other teams have gone out of their way to make us comfortable, and we're both grateful. I think I can go home and be prepared to face my family now.

I agree, the producers have been wonderful and the other teams haven't made us feel like freaks. To be honest there are more freaky people on the Race. That mean little Snyder for example. He's one of the older racers, but he reminds me of a whiny teenager with a bad attitude.

He probably had an unhappy childhood that made him angry at the world.

What about daddy's boy Randy, and big daddy himself? Sometimes I think Rupert is one of those uptight college professor who frequents strip clubs…as a performer. Do you know how many police chiefs and judges are into bondage? And Randy will do anything his daddy says, cos he doesn't have his own idea on what to do.

Where do you get all this information? Something I should know about? What if Rupert is a cross-dresser? What he does in his private time is his business. Randy, to be honest I don't have much impression on. After his fight with Riley I try to stay away from him.

We expect the next few nights may be hectic, regardless of outcome. We're so close, I can't help but think about the run to the finish line. I don't want to, in case I'm disappointed, but on the other hand, this is the reason we came on the Race, we have to focus on reaching that finish line.

It'll be nice to see Anya and Xander again, they've become friends, next time I'm visiting Willow we're thinking of detouring (oh my god, I'm using Amazing Race terminology ) to Oxnard to visit them. I hope they're doing better while being sequestered, they were a little angry with each other, but they're so good together I don't want anything to happen to them.

In fact it'll be nice to see all the other teams. Joyce was like a Mom to us, I wonder if we'll get to meet her daughters. And to hear Lorne sing again, I hope he meant it when he invited us to Las Vegas to visit.

Well, Tara has finished her sewing and general pottering, we should go to bed now. It's a big day tomorrow, I think we're prepared. I have Tara by my side, I'm ready for anything.

Me too.

Finish line, here we come!

Episode recap

Part 1

I have to be on best behavior this recap, cos my gf and my beta have taken over reviewing and adding snide comments. I don't know how they managed to canoodle up to Sars and Wing to let them do this. {*Bonus points for using 'canoodle'…plus, you know I’m a good canoodler.*} Particularly my lovely gf. Of all the recaps she has to review, it's the one I'm writing at the bar at TARCon, sigh. [** I have my ways. Insert evil laugh here. Love, your gf. **]

Depending on who you ask, there are one or two 'countries' that are not members of the United Nations. Ever since Switzerland decided to join, only the Vatican and Taiwan are left at the little kids' table, and only if you count Taiwan as a country. I'm not even going to go into how it's known in different places. 'Chinese Taipei' doesn't really cut it, cos Taipei is a city and doesn't resemble a country. {*Can those of us in the US use the same argument for Washington, D.C.? I mean, it’s not a part of any state. Oh! And what about the Vatican? Does that count?*}

Politics aside, Taipei is the latest Pitstop in the racearoundtheworld. Shot of the orange sun disappearing behind some skyscrapers. What's up with that? {*I could give you the astrophysical theory behind it, but let’s not go there right now.*}

Eat / sleep / mingle sequence seems more tense than usual. At what looks like dinner, they sit around a large circular table, but they're doing a credible impression of pretending they're sharing the table with strangers. Like when the restaurant is full and you have to sit with other people even though you really don't want to and you try not to puke when they start chewing with their mouths open or talk loudly or pick their nose. That's the vibe I'm getting. {*Okay, bad visual…thanks.*}

No interviews, just Phil recapping the previous legs (hey! that's my job! Just because I'm at TARCon watching the finale doesn't mean you can take my job!). We see clips of each team and their downfall. Ah, how I've forgotten Darla & Angel, struggling with their computers. Ben & Glory, taking a taxi when they're told to take the subway. {*Well, those two couples are forgettable. Don’t feel bad.*} Lorne & Cordy, who lost their clue, so tragic. Joyce & Sheila, undone by a ghastly alien model. Snyder & Flutie gagging over chicken gizzards, can I say "serve you right"? April & Andrew losing the most important footrace of their lives. Xander & Anya, who got sick. And finally Adam & Oz, who bet on the fast forward and lost. {*But we’ll always have memories of Tarzan and Cheetah.*} Good times. Some of those teams, I actually miss.

What? No Buffy & Riley? Shit, they're still around, they win the prize for Team in Final Episode I Least Want to See. {*Who does?*} I'll do my best to ignore them this episode. {*Please do.*} So, shots of them begging for money, I'm not paying attention, I'd rather surf for bad taste porn, or feed my neopet, I have my laptop with me.

9.04am. Efficiency take the clue from the box and read it out loud. Immediately they learn that it's a Roadblock. Wow, that's new, the Amazing Producers are not wasting their time on this leg. In this Roadblock, the Racer has to go to a museum and help a master calligrapher produce a scroll of calligraphy of Chinese characters. {*No mention of what Faith is wearing? You’re losing your touch here. I’m disappointed.*}

Robin seems disappointed that this isn't a physical task, cos he has to do it.

"We're best at tasks that involve strength and physical fitness, that's how we've come so far. We've been great examples of superior physical ability," Robin self-congratulates. While his arms can reach Stomper size, they haven't been bad either. So, though not usually my cup of tea so to speak, I've enjoyed Robin's Stompers. I'm giving this team the Eye-Candy Award, because every time Faith comes onto my screen, I'm a complete puddle of drool, even my gf says so. [** I've yet to meet a man, or woman, who doesn't get drooly at the sight of Faith, so I'll let you off this time, just don't get your drool all over me. Love, the person you drool all over. **] {*Well, she’s not my gf, so I’ll drool all I want.*}

9.07am. R.Randy count out the money, they have $495, which is, like, wow. Why don't the Producers give them the extra $5 and make it an even $500, what difference does five bucks mean? Dorks.

"Money has been tight all through the Race. With taxis and entrance fees and guidebooks, it doesn't leave much room for maneuvering," Rupert says. {*I now have an image of Rupert and Randy 'maneuvering”'- not pretty. What’s with giving me scary visual images this episode?*}

9.10am. Lovebirds, taking a moment to be happy to be going to a museum. They run off to their taxi.

"I've seen calligraphy, it's more painting than writing," Tara comments.

"Oh, you should be doing this then," Willow replies.

"Nonsense, Baby, you'll do fine," Tara re-assures. Well, she has to say that, cos she's done her six Roadblocks. {*Can I keep these two when the show is over?*}

9.24am. Goldies. Man, the starting times are close, the closest I've seen for the start of the finale. They do the obligatory beg for money routine, I ignore them. {*Me too…I’m skipping this entire paragraph.*} If the anticipated spending for this leg is $495, they have a long way to go. Most of the begging is done by Buffy, in her Hayden halter top again, and if she denies she's using her sexuality, then I'm a lump of dodo poo. [** ewww, poo, you're just gross. Love, your gf, who really doesn't want to see you as poo. **]

R.Randy and Efficiency arrive at the museum, shortly followed by Lovebirds. The Roadblock is taken by Randy, Robin and Willow respectively. {*Technically, this is a passive sentence. It should read 'Randy, Robin and Willow take the Roadblock.' *} By my calculation, this is the last Roadblock, cos of the 6/6 rule and 6+6=12 last time I checked. [** did you have to use a calculator lol? Love, your gf, who doesn't want you to turn prematurely senile. **] {*You’re such a number freak.*}

They set up at tables on which lay long strips of paper, a bit like a whole roll of kitchen paper unrolled. {*Kitchen paper? There’s a type of paper that’s only used in the kitchen?*} The calligraphy master then teaches them how to hold the brush, dip in ink and splash on the paper. It's interesting, in a watching pain dry kind of way, {*I think you mean ‘paint’ – cuz I’ve never heard of watching PAIN dry. Is pain wet?* shuddup Car, that didn't come up on spellcheck, it's YOUR job as beta to check these things. — love, watty.} it's probably more fun to be doing rather than watching, probably cos I'm watching this while on my first martini. {*Where’s mine?*}

One thing I must say, Tara is right;, {*the semi-colon is your friend. Embrace it!*}this calligraphy business is more painting than writing. The objective is to paint a series of characters, but the strokes and patterns and the end result must pass muster with the master in residence.

Robin finishes quickly {*Oh poor Faith! Come to me, Faithy, I won’t finish quickly!*} and even I can see his work is nothing like the requirements. Randy and Willow are taking more care in copying the lines and shapes.

Goldies arrive and Buffy gets started on the task. I feel like I've stumbled into a kindergarten classroom with children doing their morning painting playtime session.

First to get approved is Randy, followed almost immediately by Willow. They do a little bow to the master, like he's a little buddha, only he's like 5'9". He gives them their clues. They are to find the Eslite bookstore and hunt for air tickets in the travel section. Oh, this is the famous 24 hour bookstore, hanging out there is like the coolest teenage thing, which is gratifying if I look at it from a responsible adult sort of way. I mean, kids hanging out at a bookstore is 5 million times better than at the mall, or park, or anything else I can think of. {*But since when have you looked at anything from a responsible adult point-of-view?*}

Phil helpfully reappears, {*He’s helpful?*} and I realize I haven't commented on his beautiful deep blue shirt, it really is a most pleasant shade of blue. I'm swooning. {*Dork.*} Deep Blue Shirt explains that in the Roadblock there are four sets of tickets for the next destination hidden amongst the books, two for a flight at 9.30am and two for a flight at 10.35am. Teams don't know which is the earlier flight and will have to make a decision when they retrieve a ticket envelope whether to take it. They're also not told which airline and destination, they have to take the ticket to the airport to learn that.

Sounds inane. Well, Needle in Haystack type of task I can stomach. But it looks like it's early morning, at most noon, and the flights are the next morning? What kind of sense is that? Enforced rest for the racers, I no longer wish to second-guess second guess the Amazing Producers, at least, not this close to the end. I really don't have the energy and the view from the bar is strangely comforting. {*That’s cuz you’re a lush. And again I ask, where’s mine?*}

The bookstore is a huge, multi-story affair. They run to find the travel section and start their destruction of the order of the books. Customers at the store, quietly reading away, have their peace disturbed. Have you ever planned to spend a whole morning browsing and reading books at the bookstore? Yes? Planned for strange people in backpacks dashing around the shelves looking for clue envelopes? No? I don't think so either. {*But, isn’t that what a portable MP3 player is for? To block out the obnoxious folks?*}

Meanwhile at the painting by numbers school, Robin gets his nod and the clue. Efficiency are off. I think there's one other team in the room, but I'm ignoring them. {*Me too.*}

Faith & Robin join in the Let's Pull Books Off Their Shelves fun and games. I love these Amazing Cameramen, there's a brilliant shot of first R.Randy, then Efficiency, running past a clue envelope half hidden between two books, and they don't notice! Hello! Looking for a clue means look on the shelves, not run past them! These are the teams that have made final four? {*No comment.*}

The clue is eventually picked up by Lovebirds. {*Of course! They are the best racers, dammit!*} I'm happy. It's the 9.30am flight. I'm happier. They debate whether to take the ticket or bet their chances on an earlier flight. My heart sinks. They decide to replace the envelope and look for other clues. I'm hyperventilating.

"We know where the envelope is now, but we're not sure if it's the earlier flight or the later flight. We can't take the risk," Tara explains, while looking behind a stack of books.

We stay on them, I start to scrape my fingernails against my palm. Shortly they find another envelope behind a large atlas. It's the 10.35am flight. They share a look and rush back to the first envelope. There's a bit of tension as they seem to be lost, but they find their way back. I breathe a sigh of relief.

R.Randy find the next 9.30am clue. They decide to take it, a risky and stupid move without confirming that it's the earlier flight, if you ask me. But then nobody asked, so I'll shut up now. {*Like that will last for very long.*}

The Team I'm Ignoring finishes at the museum and heads towards the bookstore, where Efficiency has located the 10.35am clue.

Goldies locate the clue; , {*What do you have against semi-colons? *sigh**} do I have to report that? {*It’s the responsible thing to do…but then we’ve already established that you’re not responsible.*}

At the airport, teams find out that their next destination is Sapporo, Japan. The next clue is found at the Clock Tower. There should be some mystery to not knowing where the destination is, but it's a bit of a let down after all that effort.

Another day, another morning. Stock footage of planes taking off and landing. Teams on planes. Two Amazing Yellow Lines make their separate ways from Taipei to Sapporo, just to show how far apart the teams are.

"We're on the first flight to Japan. I've visited before on business, it's a very different country with unique language and culture. We're fully aware of that," Tara explains. She adds that they are aware that they are only one hour in front of the next two teams, and one hour's advantage can disappear very fast. She tries to look butch when she says that they're going to start being ruthless and cutthroat cut throat now. Well, yeah, girls, you've come so far without being butch bitches, may be it's not the time to start breaking out the power tools? {*Only if there is jello involved…and asparagus.*}

In the other seats are R.Randy. "We've been in front or near the front for a while, I honestly can't see us losing our position," Rupert says, rather smugly. He makes it clear that he is no longer going to be 'nice college professor', and will now be, well, a little less nice. Randy smirks in the next seat, and adds his two cents about being less nice. Which will be a lot more convincing if he isn't nervously playing with the six packets of peanuts in front of him. {*I always thought Randy likes to play with nuts.*}

They arrive at Sapporo and find their way onto an airport bus to town. Phil explains that Sapporo is the capital of Hokkaido, Japan's second largest landmass land mass. The island accounts for over 20% of Japan's land but less than 5% of its population.

The Clock Tower, called the Tokeidai, is a symbol of Sapporo. The building is of American design, and the actual clock made in the US of A. The building looks like a timber construction found anywhere in New England. {*Lovebirds aren’t so much for the timber, though. HA! I crack myself up. I should be writing this stuff.*}

When R.Randy and Lovebirds arrive, they have no difficulty in locating the tower, despite the language difference.

"We just followed the tourist trail," Willow grinned. And boy, that place is full of tourists and their cameras. Randy especially, is surrounded by excitable Japanese teenage girls who want a picture of him, may be they think he's rock star. [** all bleached hair and craggy face, I can believe it. Love, your Rolling Stones loving love. **]

They find the cluebox next to a Kodak moment stand, and yes, there is a conveniently placed narrow platform with clear markings where you stand. ; {*Okay, points for trying to use a semi-colon, but that’s not the right place.*} and your Your photographer stands at another well marked spot, so all the tourist photos of the place look completely identical cos they're taken from the same angle and spot. Organized? What about lack of imagination.

The clue tells them to make their way to Furano where the next routemarker is found at the Farm Tomita.

They need to decide on how to get to Furano, a pretty little town made famous by rolling lavender hills. R.Randy decide to search for a tourist information center and head towards the railway station. Lovebirds, employing tactics they used effectively throughout the Race, find a luxurious hotel nearby and approach the concierge. As tactics go, this is pretty sound, I've noticed that they don't always rely on tourist information counters, instead they of have utilized knowledgeable sources, while ensuring the people they ask are used to communicating in English. [** you're just happy cos it's your beloved Lovebirds doing well. Love, your lovebird. **]

They are told the best way to Furano is by bus, and conveniently the bus station is within walking distance from the hotel. The journey is 2½ hours and it will cost ¥2,100 per person.

R.Randy, at the train station, are looking at train timetables. They exposition that the trains run every hour on the hour. The journey is 2 hours and costs ¥4,700 per person. They ask about alternate transport, focusing on taxis. What? Taxis? They don't have a bottomless well of funds, and they learn the truth rapidly. They're not told about the bus, and they don't ask. Colin or Boston Rob they're not.

The second flight arrives at Sapporo airport, which my EEFPs tell me is called Chitose. Thank you EEFPs. They de-plane and are on the airport bus into town; the shadows are longer, I think it's late afternoon already. I say a silent prayer that there's there’re no airport or opening time bunching, cos I'm really sick of those suckers.

They arrive at the Clock Tower and Efficiency take a moment to admire the architecture.

"I feel strangely like I'm home," Faith quips. "This feels like some of the houses back in Boston." Hey! It's a RAAAACE! Do the building admiration afterwards, okay? {*Okay, time to chill out. If Faith is standing still admiring the building, that’s good. Cuz then I can stand still and admire Faith.*}

Goldies, like Randy, are asked to model for pictures. It must be the blonde hair, the Japanese don't seem to know the meaning of a blonde moment. Snerk. {***groan***}

They try asking directions to Furano at the museum, but come up short. Asking for directions while trying to keep from the prying eyes of the other team isn't as easy as it sounds. Faith looks over her shoulders and glares at Riley.

"Are you following us?" she asks him pointedly.

"We're doing the same thing you are, trying to find information," he smirks.

"Well, do it someplace else, you're creeping me out," she hisses. Riley snorts, but stays put.

A confrontation between the athletes is imminent, as Faith squares up and glares at Riley. Although she is a full head shorter than him, she doesn't seem to be disadvantaged. In the chest puffing department, she definitely wins. {*Okay, FINALLY a good visual image…puffy-chested Faith…yummy.*} Where I am, at the bar, there is a hush until someone yells "Give him hell, Faith!" and everyone cheers. I'm glad to be in good company.

Buffy intervenes and takes Riley away from the stare-fest. I'd like to know what she is thinking, probably along the lines of how pissy Riley will be if he loses the stare-o- rama to Faith.

Faith & Robin breathe a sign of relief. "He's a jerk, and a liar, this is not the time for information sharing, we're so close to being eliminated we have to actively hide information," Faith says. They manage to find someone who does a credible impression of a train, so they're off to the train station.

Speaking of hate, Goldies eventually find what they want, and they're heading towards the train station. {*Die, Riley! Die!*}

Amazing Yellow Lines, together with cute little trains and buses, head from Sapporo to the middle of the island. First to arrive are R.Randy. I'm surprised, I thought Lovebirds' bus may be quicker. I tell the bartender to get me another drink. [** ahem, honey. Drink too much and I'll start withholding, and you know what I'll withhold. Love, your devoted wif– um, gf. **] {*If you’re not going to drink that, I will.*}

It's pitch dark, the town looks like one of those that shut down at 9pm, and only hobos and stray dogs roam the streets after that hour. Makes it hard to find information, such as how to get to the Farm Tomita.

"We're between a rock and a hard place. We need the tourist information office, but it opens at 8am tomorrow. We need to get to a farm, my gut feeling is that this farm is already closed, it's almost 10pm," Randy says. I don't want to know about Randy's guts or any other body parts, but he's probably right. {*But my gut feeling is that Randy likes it hard. [/snark]*}

They find an English timetable and confirm they need to take a local train that only runs half a dozen times a day. Welcome to the relaxed countryside! The next train leaves at 7.30am. Looking back, I'm not as frustrated about this bunching, because they managed to cram several activities into the day.

"The town is dead at this hour, I'm expecting tumbleweeds to fly past any moment now," Rupert jokes. (Well, originally I have a suitably insano exclamation about tumbleweeds, but I deleted it so my beta can snark, she loves those tumbleweeds she does.) {*Tumbleweeds ROCK. Rupert has just gone down a notch on my “list of people who are okay” by making such a disparaging remark. *}

Lovebirds have come to the same conclusion, but they decide to spend a little time exploring.

"To learn the lay of the land in case we need to come back to this town. Plus Faith, Robin, Buffy and Riley haven't arrived. We don't want to waste time," Willow says.

We see them in date mode, walking around under the dim streetlights and past darkened shop fronts, hand in hand and very sweet. I love it when the Amazing Editors give no doubt about who their favorites are, it's like they want to make a statement about it. I was actually talking to Willow & Tara at TARCon when that scene came up and there was a collective "awwww" from the people around us that totally embarrassed them. But more of that in my TARCon report, okay? {*BTW, still upset with you for hogging their time. I wanted a hug from them too, ya know!*}

Next we see them settling down for the night, as the next train arrives and the other two teams jump out. They're surprised to see the first two teams getting ready for the night, although Rupert explains about the timetable. Efficiency and Goldies are skeptical, but the professor just shrugs and tells them they're welcome to look.

They find the English timetable in question and find out the professor hasn't tried to con them.

"It's always the quiet ones, right now I'm not trusting anyone," Riley says. {*Asshat.*}

In the morning they board the Crystal Express train, which is small and cute and has large glass windows for easy viewing of scenery. They arrive at Farm Tomita and learn that they have to pick a bunch of fresh lavender, wrap it up carefully in twine and bring it to the principal of the Elementary School in Bibaushi, 10 miles away, on bikes.

The rush up the narrow pathways to the lavender fields turns into a version of Push'n'Shove, with Riley and Randy doing most of the push'n'shoving. This stupidity of course benefits Efficiency and Lovebirds. Efficiency get to the field first and set about picking their flowers. Lovebirds follow, with the idiot children bringing up the rear.

First team to finish and get on their bikes is R.Randy. I'm getting used to seeing them in front, is there something wrong with me? They're looking smug, and happy to be first. Randy does some fancy moves on his mountain bike, and earns a frown from Rupert, who tells him to stop showing off and help him find the way.

Second out, Efficiency, followed by Lovebirds.

"This is a great day for a bike ride, we're perfect for this task," Robin grins.

"We train regularly on bikes, riding long distances, to build up our stamina. 10 miles is nothing to us, though I can see how some other teams may struggle," Faith smirks.

"That's when we'll strike, swoop in and take pole position," Robin adds the obligatory sports metaphor.

Goldies are last, and both Riley and Buffy are looking mightily pissed.

"Riley, you have to stop taking things so personally! First you get into a fight with Faith, now it's Randy, it's not helping us, it's your fault we're last," Buffy yells. Oh finally! She realizes he's an asshat. {*Buffy just gained some points in my book. He’s such a wanker. (Did I use that term correctly?) – yes you did. Love, watty.*}

Phil explains that the whole area of Furano, Biei and Bibaushi is famous for rolling hills and breath-taking scenery. The best method of exploring the countryside is by bike through the well marked roads.

It feels like a mini-Tour de France, as eight Racers furiously pedal along quiet country roads. There is much panting and teeth-gritting. They're quite evenly matched, although Riley, Robin and Faith seem to be the most comfortable.

"We knew we're physically not as strong as the athletes, but for the first part of the ride, everyone decided to stay as a group, this helped us preserve energy," Willow interviews.

"But we knew that if one team breaks away, we'll have to find something deep in our reserves, so we kept encouraging each other," Tara adds.

"She kept saying 'you'll do great' to herself and to me, I love pep-talk Tara," Willow laughs. {*And Take-Charge Tara, and Shy Tara, and Vixeny Tara, and…..I’ll shut up now.*}

Teams are separated a little when it comes to riding uphill. I crack up when Faith yells to Robin as they make a break for it, "Use those muscles, He-man!" He grunts.

And now we come to the best part of the entire leg. When this came on, the other half of my brain texted me on my cellphone.

car: WOOT! Faith doing sports!!
watty: lol wait! wtf is she doing now? omg, are you looking at this? she's taking her shirt off!!!
car: my eyes are popping out of their sockets
watty: the drool here is three feet deep
car: SPORTS BRA!!!!
watty: hot and sweaty, she's so hot and sweaty
watty: look at those damp patches
car: *faints*
watty: I'm soooo recapping this…damp patches and all
car: okay…but who has the damp patches…Faith or the readers? lmao
car: or the recapper?
watty: lmao all of the above
car: and WHERE are the damp patches?
watty: *is a puddle*

"It was hot and there was hardly any breeze! So I took my T-shirt off, it wasn't like I wasn't wearing anything underneath," Faith mock- protests in an interview. {*Oh my giddy aunt! I would have died if there were nothing underneath! But what a way to go!!*}

"Yeah, I think you broke the locals though, they didn't know whether to look or not," Robin laughs with her.

"Heh, I didn't break anyone who didn't want to be broken, they may look innocent and easily shocked, don't forget this is the country where hentai comics sit next to regular comics in bookstores," she adds.

Hentai, eh? So now we know what Faith's interest areas lie, snerk. [** the fact that you didn't beat an eyelid when she mentioned hentai shows where your interests are. What are you not telling me? Love, your not so innocent gf. **]

Erm, right, time to change topics. Y'all don't want to hear about my, hee, interests.

Just as well, cos next we see Riley and Randy (again, I groan) doing impressions of Lance Armstrong vs Jan Ulrich, except without the yellow jersey and giant, rock-hard thighs. {*too bad for Randy…he loves 'rock-hard' so.*} It's kinda comical, Buffy will pass Rupert, and Randy will yell "let's go, move it, Dad!" to Rupert. Riley passes Randy and Rupert does the same to Randy. No, doesn't feel like the Tour de France, it feels more like Goonies go biking.

What happens next, in retrospect, is inevitable. A combination of all that aggression, emotion, pressure is an accident waiting to happen. I had to see it several times, on slow motion, Riley and Randy were bumping wheels, pushing at each other. The road narrows a tad, Riley's bike veer out of control for a split second and next thing, he and Randy are eating concrete.

I should feel sorry for them, but I don't. I feel more sorry for Buffy, who is riding behind and can't stop in time. She ends up taking a bad fall, blood streams down her face, it looks bad. Her bike's shot, the body a twisted mess, bet her body feels like that too.

Rupert backtracks and checks on the injured. Efficiency are too far ahead to have heard the commotion, but Lovebirds, arriving shortly afterwards, hop off and head immediately towards Buffy. She is being helped by a couple of dudes we haven't seen before, who turn out to be camera and sound guys. Tara says she knows first aid (not a big surprise here) and she whips out a towel to apply on Buffy's head wound.

The camera guy takes over and tells the teams they can go on ahead, he's already radioed for help. After reassurances, Lovebirds go on their way. {*Aaaawwww gotta love those Lovebirds! This is going to cost them time, though.*}

Randy meantime, is cleaning off his own cuts, he has a nasty gash along his right arm and his T-shirt is ripe for a laundry detergent commercial. His tire is deflated, so he and Rupert work together to get it mended.

Riley in the meantime is trying to see if his girlfriend is fine, and he's asking about replacement bikes. To be honest, Buffy doesn't look like she's in any condition to continue riding, although the cut may be look worse than it actually is. {*He’s still an asshat.*}

"We're told we won't get time credit, but replacement bikes will be provided, I don't know whether it's worth continuing," he says dejectedly.

"Let's go on, I don't want to give up now, we're so close," Buffy says from her comatose position on the ground.

To his credit, Riley argues that they're so close to the pitstop, he doesn't want Buffy to hurt herself more than necessary, cos the other teams are surely too far ahead. She argues back that she wants to go on, even if it means elimination, cos she wants to finish the leg.

"Are you sure?" Riley asks.

"I am," she says, and it's final. {*Okay, more points for Buffy.*}

No, Riley hasn't redeemed himself in my books, he has been too much of an asshat. But in these last few minutes, he has shown that he cares for Buffy in his own way. {*He’s afraid he won’t get consolation sex, that’s all. Wanker!*}

The last shot in this segment is of him kicking the twisted hunk of metal that was formerly Buffy's bike.

It's Phil! He is explaining that the elementary school at Bibaushi, with its triangular tower, is one of the most famous landmarks in that area.

Efficiency arrive first, to no one's surprise, and hand over their lavender bunches to a stern looking woman who is apparently the principal of the school. Faith has put a T-shirt back on, probably figuring she doesn't want to cause unnecessary heart attacks. {*Bummer.*}

They are handed the next clue, which instructs them to ride approximately 2 miles to the Takushinkan photo museum featuring the works of Shinzo Maeda. This is the last Pitstop, the last team to check in, according to Phil, may be eliminated.

[** I have to add, Maeda-san's works are completely out of this world, he spent his lifetime photographing the scenery around his home town of Bibaushi and Biei. His winter and summer works, wow. Click on the calendar link below to appreciate the full wonder of his work. – w's gf **] {*I have to add…I have nothing to add.*}

Lovebirds are next, shortly followed by R.Randy. Looks like the professor and son has caught up a little ways.

The principal lady continues standing at the entrance of the school, waiting for Goldies.

And waits.

And waits.

And tries not to recoil when two filthy and broken people drag themselves up to her to get the clue. I'm beginning to feel a little bad for Goldies, though it may be the martinis. {*Definitely the martinis.*}

After riding 10 miles, 2 miles must seem like a breeze. Efficiency approach the photo museum and run excitedly up to Phil.

Congratulations, team number one. They win a matching pair of cars, oh boy. I'd thunk by this stage of the race, not being eliminated is prize enough. I'm not too bothered, cos by that time I'm too engrossed in Faith's bouncy bits, and having gulped down four martinis and stolen a whole plateful of olives, nothing bothers me anymore, *hic*. {*At least I’m sober enough to remember the bouncy bits in the morning.*}

R.Randy check in as team number two. They must have passed Lovebirds on the way.

Lovebirds are team number three. They're happy to be where they are, even if I want them to muster up more aggression and really push the other teams.

Goldies ride slowly to the Pitstop. Riley helps Buffy off her bike and to the Amazing Bathmat. They have a conversation with Phil about her injury, she says the medics checked her out (for her injury only, they didn't check her state of mind) and she'll be fine. Phil doesn't mince any words, and they're Philminated.

"Of course we're disappointed to be out so close to the grand prize, but we take comfort in knowing that we gave 200%," Riley says. 200% of what? Annoy this recapper? Give a bad name to professional athletes? {*He has a great future ahead of him…I predict his How to be an Asshat in 12 Easy Steps is going to be a big hit.*} Buffy bugged me less this ep, and I feel bad that she's hurt. It isn't the fairest way of being eliminated, getting injured and trashing their bikes, but teams have gone out on less, the Race is random like that. I'm still glad they're gone, cos out of the four remaining teams, they are the ones least deserving to be still in the Race. Call me harsh, call me biased, whatever, that's my honest opinion. {*Few will disagree.*}

And judging by the cheering at TARCon when they meet the wrath of Phil, you'd think someone has WON, my opinion isn't way out of whack. {*Told ya.*}

Now come the obligatory interviews where everyone says the same thing. Repeatedly. Faith & Robin are like they're the strongest and fittest and have the most consistent record, so they will win. Rupert & Randy are like everyone wants to win, some more than others, and that's them, so they'll win. Willow & Tara are like they're so happy to be in the final three and they're going to race hard until they reach the finish line. So yeah, they'll win too.

It's a million dollars! It's a thrilling race to the finish! We're not done yet. {*You will be if you don’t cut back on the martinis.*}

Useful links & information

Taiwan:
Eslite bookstore

Japan:
Sapporo Clock Tower
Shinzo Maeda's books
Calendar with photos by Mr Maeda

Episode recap

Part 1

I'm getting nostalgic already. Phil is on the screen and I'm tearing up cos it's the last time this Race he will be doing introductions. I grab a handful of napkins from the bar, I know I'll be needing them, cos it's going to be an emotional ride. {**As long as you’re grabbing things, get me another beer…I need something to get me through the rest of this.**}

Phil reminds us that we're in Hokkaido, where the natural beauty is world famous. I wonder if he has a different interpretation of 'natural' as I do, cos most of the beauty of the Hokkaido countryside seems to be cultivated, with planted lavender fields and wheat fields and muchly human touch. But it's the last time this Race, so I'm not snarking on yummy Phil. {**You won’t, but I will. I wonder how much hair gel Philly-boy used to get that “natural” look this morning.**}

I pause for a moment to take stock of the final three teams. Interestingly, we have a mixed gender / race team, an all-male team and an all-female team. We've never had this combination in the final three. The last 3 TARs had heterosexual couples in the final three. Good for diversity stats. {**Oh, anything for the numbers!**}

12.13am. Efficiency, in tight, white outfits that totally bring out their muscle tones and curvy bits, {**Mmmmm…Faith’s curvy bits. This is a good day**} rip the clue for the last time and reveal that they are to make their way to Victoria BC, pick up an Amazing Car and drive 10 miles to Butchart Gardens where the next clue will be found next to a 'Karen Blixen'. It's neat, to tie it up with a name from a previous leg, but what is a 'Karen Blixen'?

Phil to the rescue, explaining that 'Karen Blixen' is a species of white rose, one of 250 types found at the world-renowned Butchart Gardens, which is 101 years old, occupies 55 acres with 400,000 flowers, and attracts over 1 million visitors a year. {**Christ on a crutch, what is with the numbers?**} Yes, all that information in one breath. He rocks. {**Should that last sentence read “He is a rock”?**}

They run off towards the train station, voicing over that they realize how isolated the countryside is, especially with the lack of taxis, but it's only a couple of miles to the train station and they're perfectly able to jog there.

"The first train to leave Bibaushi is 6.34am, everyone will get on that one, we have 6 hours to the station," Robin says. Let's hope this is the only bunching we will have (though I'm not holding my breath). {**Please don’t. You’re already an interesting shade from all the martinis.**}

On paper, Faith & Robin are the team most likely to arrive at the finish line first. They have been consistent, physically strong, and haven't made any glaring mistakes. They have a tendency of not aggressively working the travel arrangements, so let's see how that pans out.

12.28am. R.Randy puzzle over the flower clue too. In the spirit of describing their clothing (this is the last leg after all), I realize I haven't noticed what they wear at all throughout the race. Now that I'm making an effort, I know why, cos they're wearing clothing that are simply non-descript. Some short-sleeved shirts and pants, the sort you get at Woolworth's. Nothing worth noticing.

Rupert interviews that he is one of the oldest racer {**racers**} to be in the final three (that's true, only Asshat Ian from TAR3 is older) but he is psyched up and not feeling his age. He says that he counts himself lucky to be given the opportunity to bond with his son; and how he has enjoyed the company of the other teams. He is sincere when he says that, and I admire his graciousness.

This is my Team Who of the race. All of a sudden, they're in second position at the start of the final leg, having come 1-1-2-2 in the last 4 pitstops. They haven't done anything spectacular, or spectacularly wrong, Rupert has mainly carried this team with a mix of intellect and willingness to take calculated risks. {**He’s gotta do something to make up for Mr. Hollow Cheeks.**} I won't be surprised if they cross the finish line first, I might stifle a yawn, but I'll clap along politely.

12.40am. Lovebirds. Now, this is clothing I want to describe. No rojak clothing, though I would have chuckled, no T-shirts with numbers on them, instead they're in the cutest olive green T-shirts with a koala print on the front and koala footprints printed on the back, that they must have bought from Taronga Zoo. Couples wearing the same clothing usually make me cringe, but Lovebirds can do no wrong, and they're so damn cute in those T-shirts. {**C’mon…that’s it? How do they fit? Are they tight? How tight? And where are they tight? Can you tell the temperature?**}

They interview that they were told they are the highest placed all-female team, beating the Bowling Moms who came 4th in TAR5. Whoo-hoo! They say that although it's a honor, they try not to think about things like that, cos it's hard to give a good response apart from "it's true, we're an all-female team." I crack up at the subtle humor. [** I want them to add a "so what" at the end, how awesome will that be? Love, your gf who occasionally can come up with a witticism. **]

They share that they're already happy about coming on the race, because they achieved what they wanted to do, which is to become closer to each other. My eyes mist up as they share a look and a little smooch on the cheeks. Awwww. They get my Aren't They the Cutest Pair Ever Award.

I want them to win, even though their record suggests that they're more likely to come in second or third. They have been the team most successful in getting better travel arrangements, even though this Race hasn't been that difficult in that respect anyway (uh oh, famous last words!). Task-wise, they've done okay, again not spectacular. {**Not spectacular? Don’t you remember the Zorb? Or Super-Girl and Lara Croft? If that wasn’t spectacular, then I’m straight. Pardon me while I bask in the memories and drool a bit.**}

I can see they're excited. {**So the t-shirts are tight! I’m sitting in a puddle of drool…among other things.**} Willow absolutely beams as she reads the clue and count out the $380 they have for this leg.

Final word about the three teams. This is the first time since TAR1 that I have a final three where I'll be satisfied regardless of who wins. I have my favorite, but if the athletes or the professor & son win, I'll raise my martini glass and salute them all the same. I know from painful experience how the final outcome can be scuppered by a lying American Airlines agent, an incompetent Miami taxi driver, or just fog, so I'm trying to be as open minded as I can.

To their credit, this Race has been run cleanly, and mostly with respect. No Ugly Americans, no Her Royal Assness Princess Tantrums, no Screeching Banshees, for which I'm grateful. Surprisingly few villains that the Amazing Editors could focus on, only Snyder and Riley fit the bill. I can argue the teams are a little meh and unspectacular, it seems to be a recurring theme this Race. Well, I can argue, but I won't. {**Now there’s a first. Someone call Ripley’s!**}

Morning. The sun peeps over the rolling hills of the Hokkaido countryside. Three teams at a tiny railway station, the type that has one hut that serves as ticket office and waiting area. In contrast to the last Pitstop, they are in good spirits and friendly towards each other. They're congratulating each other on getting this far and saying may the best team win. Next they'll be snuggling up in their warm blankets by the fire, singing kumbaya and sharing water pipes. {**Oooohhhh snuggling…in tight t-shirts. More drool.**} Yeah, dude, like, dude.

[** remember the postcard from the guy who moved to California that went:

Dude,

Dude. Dude? Dude!

- dude

courtesy etherfarm. Love, your loving dude. **]

Right on time at 6.34am, the train arrives and teams pile in. Randy expositions that the journey will take 3 hr 20 min and they will reach Sapporo airport at 9.54am. {**Well, well…Hollow Cheeks can think with his brain.**}

"I wish we weren't so in the middle of nowhere, we had 6 hours to kill and nothing to do. We didn't come to the station straight-away, we stayed at the pension trying to look for flight information, but they didn't have internet and no one available on the phone," Willow bemoans.

"Will was too spazzed out to sleep, hopefully she can get some rest on the train," Tara sooths. {**I’d be spazzed without internet too!**}

On the dot of 9.54am, the train arrives at Chitose airport, it's a toss up between the Swiss or the Japanese as the nation most punctual.

Run! Run! Run! Up the escalator, loudly shouting "excuse me," that's Faith & Robin. They head straight for the JAL counter, immediately in front when they hit the top of the escalator. "It's an emergency!" they shout. I never like that, none of the "I have a sick child/mother/goldfish" that Racers have spewed over the years is palatable to my stomach. If TAR keeps scores, this will earn deduction points for Efficiency.

The ever so polite, but stickler for rules, ticket agent lady informs Efficiency that the earliest flight out of Chitose to Victoria is at 10.30am. She looks at her watch repeatedly and asks her supervisor in rapid-fire Japanese, but she regrets to inform that she's unable to let them on the flight, because the gate is about to close.

Efficiency beg and beg, but as many a Racer have learnt, Japanese bureaucracy is as immobile as Mohammed's mountain. [** or Bill Clinton proclaiming "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Love, your not politically minded gf. **] {**Or Michael Jackson insisting he’s not a white woman.**}

In a rare flash of compassion, she books them on the 10.40am flight via Osaka (Kansai) and Vancouver, this flight has been delayed till 10.55am, so they have time to run to the gate.

My EEFPs, having done the research, helpfully detail the route:

• Chitose 10.40am –> Kansai 12.45pm on JL2502
• Kansai 4.30pm –> Vancouver 10.00am on AC0036
• Vancouver 11.00am –> Victoria 11.26am on AC8063

R.Randy meanwhile, is at the next counter along, which is the ANA counter. They find a 12.35pm flight via Tokyo that connects to Seattle. At Seattle they have a short window to transfer to an Alaska flight that takes them to Victoria at 11am. They ask the agent to hold the tickets then run over to the JAL counter, where Efficiency are just finishing. The compassionate JAL lady tells them about the Osaka flight, but they compare arrival times at Victoria, and decline the offer. They look smug as they go back to the ANA counter. {**Okay, really, when don’t these two look smug?**}

"Sometimes it's not the earliest departing flight, with a complicated flight plan like this one, it's essential to be thorough," Rupert explains.

Thanks, EEFPs:

• Chitose 12.35pm –> Tokyo 2.05pm on NH3124
• Tokyo 5.25pm –> Seattle 10.05am on UA876
• Seattle 10.25am –> Victoria 11.00am on AS2078

They have reason to be smug, but 20 minutes' transfer time at Seattle, that's cutting it very fine. If they miss the connection, they have to trek back up to Vancouver and won't reach Victoria till after 1pm.

Lovebirds are at the International Flights Counter. They find out more or less the same information, including the short layover scenario at Seattle. They ask the agent how possible it is to catch that connection and she answers that it's not very feasible. She explains that United and Alaska are at different concourses at Seattle-Tacoma, and they won't make it before the gate closes.

They book themselves on the same Tokyo flight as R.Randy, but they connect to Vancouver and will be on the same flight as Efficiency.

My lovely EEFPs again:

• Chitose 12.35pm –> Tokyo 2.05pm on NH3124
• Tokyo 5.25pm –> Vancouver 10.20am on AC0004
• Vancouver 11.00am –> Victoria 11.26am on AC8063

It's a tough decision, whether to take a risky flight. Perhaps at this late stage of the Race it is time for risk taking, but what are the possible repercussions if something goes wrong? There are no right or wrong in these scenarios.

Two Amazing Yellow lines make their way from Sapporo to Tokyo and Osaka.

At Tokyo, Lovebirds are having another debate on whether to switch to the Seattle flight. Willow is being logic girl.

"What we know: Rupert & Randy's arrival time in Victoria. What we don't know: Faith & Robin's though I'm almost certain they took the Osaka or Nagoya flight to Vancouver. If we keep with our original plan, we're neck and neck with Faith & Robin, if we change, we're competing for first place with Rupert & Randy. But, Tara, I'm too uncomfortable with the short connection."

"I don't like it either," Tara agrees.

"I'd rather try to make up 26 minutes than possibly losing 2 hours," Willow declared. {**Logical women are so HOT!**}

And so they board the 5.25pm Air Canada flight to Vancouver, where they will meet up with Efficiency.

Meanwhile, on the Seattle flight, R.Randy are turning on their charms. Randy flirts, sucks his cheeks in and general pretends to be a movie star. While Rupert does his distinguished gentleman act. What does that give them? An upgrade to first class and assurances that they'll be first off the plane, oh my god.

Do I wish Lovebirds are there too? May be. But that's the thing with hindsight, it's always right. If they stand by their decision not to take the risk (and they did, even at TARCon), I'll stand by their decisiveness. {**Can I just stand by them? Really REALLY close by them?**}

Victoria is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I have to tell you this. {**Why do you have to tell us this? Hmmmm?**}

11.10am. R.Randy lands. They find their car and Randy makes this stupid comment about how great it is to be back on home turf. He exposits that no, he has nothing against the great countries they've visited, but [insert lengthy back-pedaling speech that tries to be diplomatic about other countries but makes him look even more like an ass]. I cringe. {**But the real question is…was he sucking in his cheeks again? Okay, wait…that was a stupid question. We know the answer.**}

Rupert, who is driving, makes a face like he just ate a piece of spoiled meat. He's cringing too. Despite all the exultations these two throw at each other, sometimes I can tell why they haven't spoken to each other for so many years.

It's a ten mile drive from the airport to Butchart Gardens, which considering the distance they've traveled so far, is akin to a hop and a skip. They rush off to the gardens' information center, called cutely the Plant Identification Centre, to inquire about 'Karen Blixen'.

11.30am. Efficiency and Lovebirds land and easily find their cars. Efficiency are a little ahead, Robin exposits that they're neck and neck, even though they don't know where Rupert & Randy are. Faith, who has been fairly subdued this leg, yawns through his musings, and doesn't respond. Do I sense a little KF?

In the Lovebirds car, it's a different atmosphere. They're singing! Or rather, Tara is humming and Willow is trying valiantly to keep up. They're so cute. I'm so biased.

"I slept like a baby on the plane, I decided to not worry about Rupert & Randy and the Seattle flight. Plus I'm hopped up on chocolate and caffeine, so I'm feeling extremely energized," Willow is trying to bounce up and down in her seat at the back of the car. {**No comments about Willow’s bouncy bits? I’m disappointed.**}

"The amount of chocolate you had, I can't imagine your blood sugar level now," Tara laughs.

"Well, my body clock is all twitchy, and it's telling me I need sugar," Willow pouts.

"It's dinnertime in Japan, your body clock, if it's still on Japan time, should be telling you to have dinner, not chocolate," Tara deadpans.

"Chocolate is its own food group, I can have it for any meal," Willow continues her energetic good humor. It's infectious. {**Can I rub up against her so I can get the infection too?**}

As they arrive at the gardens, it starts raining but their energy level is still up. [** they say if the weather's lousy in BC, wait ten minutes. Love, your umbrella toting gf. **]

They too, find out about the need to proceed to the Rose Garden.

R.Randy are already there, searching through the 30,000 rose plants for the routemarker. Rupert, fittingly, is the one to spot it, and he retrieves the clue quickly. They are to drive 120 miles to the Mount Washington Alpine Resort, located at the center of Vancouver Island (not to be konfused with Mount Washington in NH). The next clue is at the bottom of the Eagle Chairlift.

Randy takes his turn at the wheel, and starts describing himself as a 'wicked bad-ass' driver, and snarling in what he thinks to be a bad-ass attitude. I roll my eyes. I was watching this sequence with Hera and she was like "What is he smoking?" It has taken me 12 episodes to grudgingly come to terms with this team, and he fucks it up in one fell swoop. Great. Just great. {**Oh, be honest. He fucked it up in Episode 1.**}

Back at the Rose Garden it's Lovebirds who find the clue next, they wisely hide the clue envelope and walk away from the area, away from sight from Efficiency. Normally such sneakiness will earn a mild eyeroll from me, but this is the final run, plus it's my favorite team *swoon*.

No matter, Efficiency find the clue just as Lovebirds drive off.

More Amazing Yellow lines trace the progress of the three cars. And then we're subjected to false tension as the editors try to make us think Lovebirds and Efficiency are having a race to the death. {**Can I be in charge of mouth-to- mouth for all the girls?**}