Moments at the Graveside

by Dafmeister

Copyright © 2004

Dafmeister@hotmail.com

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Nothing in the Buffyverse belongs to me; I'm just trespassing.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse http://mysticmuse.net
Anyone, anywhere, as long as they let me know.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Spoilers: The Gift.
Author's Note: This is dedicated to my dear friend Leila, who I nagged mercilessly until she gave me feedback. I know, I'm a bad person.
Pairing: Just Tara

I followed Spike last night.

I don't think he knew I was there. I was taking a cab back from the Magic Box (not a good idea to be walking alone at night these days) and I spotted him heading for the cemetery, the one where Mrs. Summers is buried. I got out of the cab and followed him.

I've watched Spike quite a bit, at least until we found out about his obsession with Buffy. Just trying to understand him, to see beyond the attitude. I was beginning to think there wasn't anything there to see. Walking through that graveyard, though, there was no swagger, none of the aura of violence he normally projects. I think he was sad.

I didn't get too close, just watched from behind a tree. He walked up to Mrs. Summers' grave and laid something on it, I couldn't see what. Then he stood there for a moment, before walking away.

After he was gone, I went to see what he'd put on the grave. It was a flower, just one. A lily. I seem to remember Mrs. Summers liked them. There was one thing that seemed odd, though. Normally when people put flowers on a grave they put them by the headstone, but this was well away, over the middle of the grave. I didn't understand at the time, but it came to me this morning.

He put it over where her heart would be.

I followed Spike last night.

I've been watching for him, wondering if his visit to the grave was a one-off. I guess it wasn't.

He brought a lily again, put it in the same place. He didn't just leave this time, though. He sat down beside the headstone and started talking. I circled behind him and crept close enough to hear a little of what he was saying, just snatches here and there.

He was talking to her about us.

I followed Spike last night.

Seems like he does this every week, every Thursday. Why Thursday? Maybe Willow would know, but how do I ask her?

Another visit, another lily, another update on our lives. How does he known so much about what we do in the daylight? And why doesn't it scare me?

I followed Spike last night.

We buried Buffy two days ago. Giles said we should do it in daylight; seemed like the best way to keep it a secret from the demon world. Spike wasn't there, obviously, but he agreed with Giles. We told him where the grave is, though.

He visited Mrs. Summers last night. He didn't stay this time. He just put the lily over her heart and said four words.

"I won't fail again."

I followed Spike last night.

We had out first real scare with the BuffyBot yesterday. A vampire blindsided her and clipped her head with a bat. There were sparks everywhere, then the Bot just dropped (Willow says the motor control system got hit). We all froze up for a second – if Xander hadn't had his crossbow loaded the vamp would have escaped.

God, the look on Spike's face when he saw the Bot lying all crumpled. I've seen it before, the night Buffy died. I don't think he's come to terms with it – hell, none of us have. I know he's never visited her grave. I didn't follow him, I asked him. He said he couldn't risk leading anything to her grave. I think that's only part of it. I think he remembers all the times he dreamed of putting her there. He doesn't know how to handle guilt any more. He's not used to it.

After we got the Bot home, Spike practically ran out the door. He barely even stopped to speak to Dawn, which he always does. I didn't need to follow him; I knew where he was going.

Since Buffy died Spike's never stopped to talk when he visits Mrs. Summers' grave. He just lays the lily on the grass, stands there for a moment and leaves. Not last night, though. As he was about to walk away he just…collapsed. Fell to his knees and wept. I haven't seen him like this since Buffy died. I know I shouldn't have listened, should have given him some shred of privacy, but I couldn't. I had to know.

So I watched as he cried. Listened as he pleaded with a dead woman, begged her to forgive him for letting her daughter die. Why can't he ask us, ask Dawn to forgive him?

Perhaps because he knows we would.

Or worse, tell him there was nothing to forgive.

Last night made up my mind. Willow's right.

We're all falling apart one piece at a time. Willow, Xander, Giles, Dawn. Even Anya. I think Spike was the one holding us together. He was the one who always seemed able to keep going, however bad we felt. If he breaks down, it's all over.

Willow's right.

It doesn't matter that it's against nature.

It doesn't matter that it's wrong.

We have to bring her back.

The End

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