The Letting Go by the Rainbow Writers

Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Willow, Tara, Faith, Giles, Dawn and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of Joss Whedon, Fox and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the authors. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Please contact the authors for permission to reproduce this story on any other fanfiction site.
Distribution: The Rainbow Writer's Homepage: http://www.therainbowwriters.com/
Mystic Muse: http://mysticmuse.net
Feedback: All feedback is welcome.
Author's Note: This story is set a little over eight years from the current time place of the series in season five, (with the premise that Glory has been defeated, without the loss of any of the gang or any severe trauma to them i.e. Tough Love didn't happen in this storyline). It is a severely traumatic story, which has come about in an attempt to deal with the topic of loss and the variety of emotional responses that evolve from these life-changing experiences.
Pairing: Willow/Tara

Summary: Willow needs Tara's and Faith's help in defeating the thing that killed Buffy.

Willow's tired head was heavy in her own hands as she sat cross-legged on the small kitchen stool and leaned over the morning paper. Carefully she poured over all the stagnant details of the Monastery murder as she drowned herself in a strong cup of coffee. The feel of the heavy porcelain mug was a small familiar comfort that reminded her she was at home. Reminded her she was in her own kitchen, and with it reminded her that the world was so very wrong.

Again last night, even after the extreme exhaustion and utter torment caused by her talk with Faith, temperamental sleep had engulfed her and the nightmares had come. Leaving her to awake to bright sunshine and the pale image of death sitting on Buffy's skin before her eyes.

She barely saw the black type words on the long page in front of her. Her vision narrowed down as she looked at her hand wound around the blue and yellow cup. Studied the lines and creases in her skin and in an instant her mind flashed to another scene.

"If you just want to check things over Miss. Rosenberg, I'll wait outside." The tall lanky man in the black suit opened the door for her and on some robotic automatic Willow felt her shoes moving along the thickly padded carpet and into the room.

The snap as the door shut closed behind her made her jump and she turned momentarily to look at it. Looking at the wood she suddenly felt far too stiff and uncomfortable in the long blazer and skirt she had put on that morning. Its dark navy was a start contrast to her pale exhausted skin and flaming red hair. She questioned now that maybe it would have been better to wear the black silk suit, or the plum skirt and sweater.

Slowly she made herself turn, knowing she had pushed to be the one to do this. She had stood up and outranked Giles when the Funeral Director had asked one of them to come and briefly view Buffy's body before the casket was closed up.

It had seemed obvious after Joyce's funeral and no word from the Slayer to the contrary that she would also want a closed casket and no wake. There would just be a simple funeral service at the grave, 'ashes to ashes and dust to dust'.

Yet for some reason Willow had wanted this short space of time, felt she was owed it in order to say her last private goodbyes. There would be tears at the graveside, overwhelming grief she wasn't sure she could temper, but there was going to be Dawn to think about and that meant she needed some control. She hoped somehow that this would give her that.

The set-up was simple, a brass stretcher to hold the light silver steel casket aloft. For some reason it had seemed so contradictory to bury the Slayer in wood, after all it had not been a vampire that had ended her life. The lining was pure white silk and Willow focused on it first. The billows of material that seemed to cradle the body within it like clouds.

Slowly her eyes traced over the dark material of the dress she'd picked out with Dawn the day before and then for the first time as reached the side of the cold steel the light pale color of skin came into view.

Two perfect hands, once so strong, always loving and tender, lay folded over one another carefully. Nails perfectly manicured and painted a soft pinkish color tipped slightly curled fingers.

"Oh Goddess Buffy." Willow didn't know how she'd gone from empty calm to emotional meltdown in a simple heartbeat. Reaching out she placed one of her own shaking hands over the ones before her.

The coolness of them struck her first, chilled but still textured and contoured as they had always been. Still Buffy, still her best friend and still the hands she had trusted so many times to save her life.

Moving down onto the velvet kneeler provided, she moved her own hand off slightly as she studied Buffy's. Studied every crease, studied every line, committing all of it to memory.

"I love you Buffy Summers." Willow turned tear filled eyes up to finally look at the blonde's peaceful face. "You are the best friend I will ever had." She whispered the words as if not to wake the sleeping beauty before her. "I'm sorry I failed."

The sudden hushed voices at the front door told Willow that Dawn had carefully directed Jacqui down the front stairs and was saying goodbye and broke her from her own grief. She realized she'd barely had time to think of that part disappointing part of the evening. Instantly she cursed herself for neglecting the issue that should have been addressed, cursed herself for again letting Buffy down.

It was one of the many things she had promised the Slayer. Bonded over some late night she was sure but she couldn't precisely name when. She would, if anything ever happened to Buffy, take care of Dawn. Take care of her as if she was her own sister, but even that qualification had become unnecessary as over the years there lives had weaved together so tightly that a sister was exactly how Willow thought of the young woman.

They'd been living in the same house for seven years now, since Dawn was a very young fourteen. She'd been there when Dawn went on her first date, when she'd graduated from high school, she'd taught her to drive, she'd taught her calculus and a hundred other things. She'd help Dawn pick out colleges, helped her prepare for her S.A.T's. She'd given Dawn her first job, helped Buffy pick out the car they'd bought her for her eighteenth birthday.

Suddenly Willow was filled with the overwhelming urge to just put her head down into the newspaper and cry, but that was the last thing she could do. There wasn't time to fall apart, there was no time to do anything remotely close to that. She had a difficult spell to prepare, she had to keep peace with Faith long enough to kill this angelic demon, she had to somehow breech the gap that existed between her and Tara in order to make some amends before...

The thought made her stop as so many conflicting things crashed together in her mind. It had been so clear for the first time when Faith had accused her of having a death wish when that was the furthest thing from the truth. She didn't want to die, she really, really didn't want to die. She had too much she loved, too much she needed to be here to keep safe.

Unable to take it anymore, she did just as she was trying not too. Dipping her head down into her arms she felt more hot tears stinging her eyes.

Dawn sauntered into the kitchen straight from the front door aiming to grab a bowl and some cereal before disappearing back upstairs to study. She just wanted this nice and easy, she wanted to be able to stop the rumbling noises from her stomach but without breaking the feelings of security and peace that spending hours in Jack's arms had created.

She knew as she saw the bowed redhead that things possibly weren't going to be that easy. Yet she couldn't just back out of the kitchen now, that would be too obvious. Instead she continued on her pre-planned path making straight for the bowl cupboard.

"Oh Dawn." Willow looked up to see the young woman making her way across the kitchen and quickly brushed at her face. "I didn't hear you." She took a long drink of her coffee trying to make the lump in her throat go down.

"I'm just getting cereal I didn't mean to disturb you." Dawn pulled a bowl out and closed the cupboard. She purposely didn't let her eyes stray from the row of wood.

"No, I was just..." Willow lowered the cup down and felt completely helpless. "Just missing your sister." She admitted in a whisper.

Dawn poured a small portion of cornflakes into her bowl and poured some milk over it from the small white jug on the side. Though something about Willow's answer made her cringe inside. She didn't want to hear this. She didn't want to have to face the harsh reality of Buffy not being there. Not right now, she felt too okay to face it right now.

"I get it." She said with a nod pulling a spoon out of the drawer hoping this would close the matter.

"Is Jack okay?" Willow asked closing up her paper sensing the younger woman's unwillingness to continue on the previous emotive topic.

"Pretty bruised, being on the end of Faith's foot does that to a girl." The young woman replied beginning to carry her bowl back to the door, perhaps she would get away with her earlier plan after all.

"Dawn..." The redhead spoke the young woman's name softly. "Do I get any explanation at all?"

Before Willow had even finished her brief question Dawn felt her hackles rise, she traced the almost familiar ridge of anger as it coursed through her body.

"An explanation for what?" Dawn hated the tone in her voice, she had been determined not to meet Willow's questions with anger but she couldn't help herself it was too easy, the emotional path just too clear.

"An explanation for why Jacqui was running into our living room at 1:30am this morning in a T-shirt and shorts looking very much like she'd been here for awhile." Willow looked at Dawn's back, trying not to meet the contained anger she heard.

"Because she had been here for a while, since ten." Dawn explained shortly her voice taking on the sarcastic tone it always did in these situations.

"I thought you weren't seeing her anymore?" She asked the question trying to keep the disappointment and hurt out of her voice.

"Like I was going to stop seeing her just because you don't like her." Dawn shook her head and pushed a spoonful of flakes into her mouth. Silently cursing herself, this was not at all how she had wanted this to happen.

"But I thought we'd decided this when we'd all sat down after the Seattle incident." Willow thought back to the late Sunday night when Dawn had finally arrived home. Keeping the Slayer from losing her mind had been a full time job for the four days the young woman had been missing.

"No, you and Buffy told me what was best for me. Neither of you asked me." The young woman put down her bowl and stared at the hacker. "Asked me what I wanted, what I needed."

"We thought you understood what we were saying." It was hard for Willow to not sound as completely washed out as she felt.

"I heard what you were saying, did you hear what I was saying though?" Dawn pushed herself back against the door to the hall.

"Dawn, I don't want to fight with you." Willow admitted weakly, putting her head in her hands again briefly.

"Then what do you want to do? Why mention Jack being here?" Dawn quizzed a sliver of her anger disappearing as she saw Willow's obvious pain and heartache.

"Then help me understand Dawnie." Willow rubbed her palms into her eyes trying to keep a certain edge of calmness, trying not to just fall apart. After all it was her job to be the adult here, her duty to keep things together.

"I don't want to do this." Dawn shook her head and pushed herself off the painted wooden frame.

"What am I asking you to do that is so demanding Dawn?" Willow looked up for the first time thick emotion in her voice.

"You're asking me to tell you how I feel about the fact that I am young, in love, in mourning, in pain afraid and confused, and I can't make anyone understand those things, cause I don't understand them myself." Dawn replied staring at Willow. "Ever since Buffy died you've been going around trying to be Super Willow, best friend, sister, mother." She shook her head in anguish. "And never once have you stopped and told me what you are thinking. What you are feeling. Its just like when mom died no one let me be me." Tears of frustration and pain flooded Dawn's eyes.

"Everyone is so sorry!" Dawn slammed her hand into the door. "But sorry doesn't help. Buffy didn't see it, you don't see it." She shook her head. "Jack is all I have, she's mine. The only thing in this crappy world that I have and all you want to do is take her from me."

"I just want to protect you." Willow shook her head, somewhere in her head understanding a little more why Dawn reacted so badly to any talk of Jack but unable to tune into it and find reason through it.

"The only person you want to protect is yourself. You don't understand, the only person who understands is Tara and you forced her away." Dawn wiped her hand across her hot angry cheeks and flicked her hair over her shoulder.

Willow's head spun as if she'd been slapped, the physical contact reverberating through her even though it had not actually happened.

"Do you want to know how I feel Dawn?" Willow put her hands flat on the table and pushed herself up. Dawn gave the hacker a stare that challenged her to speak.

"I feel like everything in the world has been reduced to one photograph and I'm looking at it while the edges are turning black..." Willow's body shook slightly. "Burning inwards and there isn't a thing I can do to stop it." She felt silent tears come onto her already wet cheeks. "I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't breath sometimes it hurts so much." She walked around the table dumping her cup in the sink, her hand almost too shaky to hold onto it. "And though you don't believe me..." She looked out the back window briefly trying to find focus before she said too much. "I just don't want you to get hurt again Dawn." Her words switched stream in her mind completely.

"So you'd rather I'd live my life alone and sad, dreaming of what might have been if only I were brave enough to try?" Dawn shook her head and marched over to the row of coat hooks near the back door. She reached up and grabbed a black denim jacket off a peg. "You know what Willow, I don't want your protection, I don't want your worry or your concern, I don't want any of it. I hate this damn house. I've already booked a meeting with the school to see if I could move into my dorm early, I think I am going to try and bump the meeting forward." She grabbed her car keys of a row of smaller hooks near the coat rack.

"What have I done?" Willow turned around feeling herself grow hot and angry. "What exactly have I done to make you hate me so much?"

"You? You? Why does this always have to be about you?" Dawn shouted her throat hurting from the anger and bile that burned it. "'Coz it isn't, it isn't at all."

"If it's not me then why do you want to leave?" Willow shot back not understanding.

"Because if I leave then at least I can see Jack whenever I like, and I don't have to chose between hurting you and hurting myself." Dawn wrenched the back door open.

"I don't want to lose you over this." Willow felt the weight of what was going to happen in the immediate future and couldn't keep up what she thought was right.

If Tara had wanted to forget all that had happened the night before, the heavy feeling in her legs as she swung them out of the bed, reminded her in an instant. Though she had to admit none of it quite seemed real. Taking things very carefully, she crossed the bedroom towards the en-suite. Her legs felt like jelly but at least they were working.

'Well Tara, there's little or not point thinking about what happened, your mind needs to be on what is to come not what is past.' She told herself calmly as she felt the soft rug under her feet that told her she was nearly at the door.

It was as she closed her hand onto the small handle to push the door open that she heard the raised voices from two stories below.

'Raised voice actually.' She corrected herself when she realized that she could only hear Dawn's voice coming loudly up the stairs.

Willing strength into her lazy limbs, Tara hurried to the stairs and made her way down around the complicated spiral onto the first landing. Her progress was not as swift as she would have liked, and by the time she reached the main staircase she heard the heavy slam of a door being thrown closed and then came nothing but silence.

Her energy fading with every step, the blonde briefly thought about giving up her descent, but something made her push such contemplations away. Not giving in to the feelings of tiredness Tara pushed herself down the last eleven stairs and then down the hall towards the kitchen. She paused in the doorway as her eyes fell upon a sobbing Willow, hunched over the sink. Instantly her throat constricted and her heart ached.

"Willow." She whispered exhausted. Her energy was rapidly waning and her legs were beginning to tremble a little from their hasty flight. Still she moved through the doorway into the room.

"Tara?" Willow turned around unable to tune her emotions down. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you." Her words were thick with tears.

Willow in tears was not something Tara could bear to see, it caused everything to panic, everything to want to work at whatever it was and make it all right.

"What happened baby?" Tara frowned deeply trying to concentrate on bridging the gap between herself and the redhead, a gap that by the second appeared to be getting larger. She sensed more than felt when her left foot faltered a little, not quite clearing the floor as it moved forward. Throwing her weight unevenly to compensate, Tara made a vague grasp at a kitchen cupboard to stop her fall.

"Dawn..." Willow felt her insides split open as the reality of what the brunette had said took hold but in all numbed quickly as she saw the fumble in Tara's movements. "I got you." Her instinct snapped quickly and she bridged the gap between them. Her strong arms outstretched as she caught them around the blonde's body. It took a second for the forward movement to be stopped by the hacker's strong stance, but soon they were still and Willow kept her arms safe around Tara until she seemed stable again.

Gratefully Tara held onto Willow while her brain quickly registered where her limbs were and moved them slightly back into the right places. The rush of emotion at seeing Willow distraught had been too much for her over loaded system. A flash of self-hatred burned through her briefly before she pushed it aside.

"Some rescue." Tara gave the hacker a weak smile. "Me to you that is not you to me, you caught me just great."

"Let me help." Willow gracefully led her over to one of the kitchen stools with a steady but soft grip.

Tara was more than thankful to be in the safety of a seat as she leaned back but held onto one of Willow's hands.

"Sit too." She encouraged and the hacker nodded and pulled the other stool out to sit down. "Sorry." She wrinkled her nose up in apology.

"No." Willow shook her head and patted the blonde's leg. "They need a bit of time to wake up." She smiled softly.

"I think I was asking you that." Tara blinked her blue eyes at Willow and gave her a genuine smile this time.

"Willow, you're important." Tara stressed. "In this you are, I'm not. This…" She gestured generically towards her clad-clad legs. "This is just silly." Her words came easily, though something about them was meant at a far greater level then the brevity suggested.

"I've messed up big time with Dawn." Willow looked down at the blonde's legs feeling more deep guilt and sadness added to her heart.

"Messed up how?" The blonde pushed softly glad that Willow had decided to reply honestly.

"She's going to move out of the house so that she can spend more time with Jack." The hacker didn't know how she managed to say the words, but she managed with controlled emotion.

"Where's she going to go?" Tara asked carefully, knowing that any reaction she gave to the news needed to be thought about when everything was clear.

"Apparently she'd been trying to arrange to move into the dorms early." Willow bit her lip as the thought that this was something Dawn had been thinking about, even before the last disaster, suddenly hit home.

"Perhaps the best thing for everyone." The blonde said slowly, softly looking back into green eyes.

For a second Willow was silent, her ears and mind completely rocked by the words that had come from her ex-lovers mouth.

"You think it's a good idea that she moves out?" Willow couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"To be honest Willow I'm not taking good or bad ideas, I'm talking necessary adjustments." Tara spoke calmly and carefully trying to keep eye contact as much as she could.

Since their chat on the blanket the day before Tara had done a lot of thinking about Dawn. A lot of putting herself in the younger woman's place, trying to view things from where she stood, and she had put together the few pieces of puzzle Dawn had given her. The simple facts were that Dawn had lost too much, too young, and all her world seemed to be about was loss. Loss wasn't something Willow understood yet, it was too soon after losing Buffy for any understanding.

A brief thought flashed through her mind. The only other person Willow had lost was of course her.

'But that's not the same.' She snapped at herself. 'You didn't die, you just walked away.'

Feeling herself slip away into a years old cycle of self-depreciation Tara was grateful for Willow's next question that pulled her out of it.

"Yes it is, and it always will be, but right now Dawn doesn't want home." Tara dropped her voice to a whisper. "Home is the embodiment of all that is safe and secure and stable. Dawn's heart isn't like that at the moment, at the moment it's all about rage and fear and anger and danger. She wants to grab life by the hand and run with it." She kept her voice mellow. "Doing that from home is nearly impossible." She added trying to make her point complete.

"I just want to protect her." Willow argued softly even though she was seeing the truth in the blonde's words.

"Which makes it even harder for her." Tara took a breath. "Willow, Dawn loves you, she loves you so much that it hurts. But right now, that's the problem, it hurts too much." She shook her blonde hair softly. "Being with Jack doesn't hurt." She defined the picture.

"I'm going to make it so much worse aren't I?" Willow closed her eyes as a hard sharp bolt of reality smacked through her. Willow realized a millisecond too late the lack of wisdom in her choice of phrase.

"Going to? What do you mean?" Tara frowned with the hacker's odd choice of words. She knew from Dawn that the decision about Jack and her place in the younger woman's life had been made a while ago, when Buffy had still been alive. Willow's thought that she was 'going' to make it worse therefore made no sense, how could things possibly be made worse?

"It's just facing Anezka..." Willow looked into blue eyes briefly but then had to look away her dishonesty burning into her like acid. "If something was to happen to me..." She hoped she didn't have to finish.

Tara suddenly realized the train of thought Willow was following and something inside her constricted hard and fast.

"No." Tara shook her head. "Don't say it. Nothing will happen to you." The blonde stated feeling a slight tremor in her spine.

Tara stopped what she was going to say and looked at the hacker, forcing her to meet her eyes the blonde witch making a sudden yet instant decision.

"It's in a lot of books." Willow sidestepped slightly, panic building up as she heard the slow words.

"Do you have a copy here? I just thought I'm not exactly pulling my witchy weight here, I might as well do the thing I am good at." Tara continued carefully.

"I'm sure… I'm sure there's a copy around here somewhere." Willow faltered, she faltered badly and she knew it as panic flooded her eyes and body.

"Then I'll have a look into it, then we can turn the 'maybe it'll be okay' into a promise." Tara released the hacker's eyes mentally noting the flood of mixed emotions her new line of questioning had caused. She purposely gave the hacker the opportunity to ignore what was causing it or bring it out into the open. It was obvious from the way Willow had floundered that there was something she was missing, something important.

"If you read the spell..." Willow's head dropped so that red curls hung slightly over her face, deceiving the blonde had never been something that came naturally to her.

"I'd find out the truth." Tara finished for the redhead, her eyes melting into a look of pure love as she looked back into soft sad green pools.

"Yes." Willow nodded her lip quivering. "You'll find out I can't promise, I can't even give a maybe."

Tara suddenly couldn't stand to see all the pain, guilt and worry evident on her old lover's face. She was hurting her, she didn't understand why or how, but her questions about the spell were obviously distressing and that wasn't acceptable. One thing Tara had learnt from the times it had happened in the past, one thing she had vowed to try never to do again, was hurt Willow.

"Please, just leave me alone." Tara waved off the offer of support being given to her by the tall middle-aged gentleman by her side.

"Tara it's all right to cry, it's all right to feel such pain inside." The man said quietly, as he adjusted his black tie. "Funerals are all about mourning." He encouraged.

"You did so much for your father, anyone can understand how you are feeling right now." He continued taking Tara's silence as evidence that his words were both welcome and being understood. "The months you dedicated to him when he was so sick, should enable you to totally free yourself from the guilt you carry for leaving home in the first place."

Tara continued to listen, feeling something twist inside her as her uncle's words reached her ears.

"You proved yourself to be a loving daughter at the end of the day Tara, and your father was proud of you."

The last of Tara's restraints snapped at these words and she let out a short sharp, out of character laugh.

"My father…" She turned and looked up at her uncle, her blue eyes icy cold. "Would not have been proud of me even if I had stayed at home caring for him for the rest of my life, I was never what my father wanted, and you know that, I was too much like my mother and yet way too much like him." She snapped unable to restraint her anger.

"There are times when I know my father hated me, hated what I was, who I was. When he came up to see me on my birthday when I was at university, when he found out I was still practicing magic, when her found out about Willow, and the love we shared, he hated me and you know what?" She paused and wiped the tear away. "Right now I understand why he did. It wasn't because I had left home, it wasn't because I was using magic, it wasn't any of that. It was because he realized I was as weak as he was." She drew in a painful breath, the man listening to her was far too shocked at her outburst to even interrupt.

"He realized that I was running away, I was scared and alone, just like he was. I was lying to the people I was supposed to care for, I was hiding away pretending to live a life that just wasn't mine to live, I was just like him. He spent all of his life lying to people, to me, to Donny, to you to everyone. All he ever did was hurt people." Again Tara took a breath and looked the older man squarely in the eye.

"But he's dead now, so that ends, I won't continue the cycle." She shook her head. "I won't hurt anyone anymore, especially not those I love."

"Tara grief affects us all in…" Her uncle stammered taken back by the anger and force in Tara's retort.

"No, don't." Tara held up her hand. "Don't tell me what grief feels like, don't tell me about how it is to loose someone that you love, that you love with all of your heart, someone that you know you will never not love, because I know how that feels." Her mind shifted back to the graveside scene to the feel of Willow in her arms, and then the emptiness that had swallowed her as she walked back to the car alone, the rain hiding her tears.

"I didn't just say goodbye my father today." She added the comment that flew over her uncle's understanding. "I said goodbye my heart."

As Tara's mind dwelt on the thoughts form the past she realized something. The heart she had buried that day, the life she had let go of, was right here, here in front of her and for the life of her she couldn't understand why she was letting it go again.

"Willow." Tara suddenly took both of the redhead's hands and cradled them in her own drawing them to her lap. "I don't want to know. The spell." She clarified. "I don't want to know what it is, what it means." She shook her head. "I know you'll tell me, if and when." She gave the hacker the trust in her heart. She took a quick breath before daring to say more.

"I know because I know that you love me." She whispered feeling her palms grow a little sweaty and her heart beat a little harder. "And I trust you to tell me, because…" For a second her newfound confidence wavered, though digging down deep she found the courage she needed. "Because, I love you too." She slowly blinked her blue eyes, and lowered her lips to Willow's hands kissing the back of them.

"Oh Goddess Tara I love you." Willow watched her every move, felt her every word melt into her heart with a soothing quality. "I have never stopped loving you, every minute, every beat of my heart." She held the hands around her own tighter.

"Take me back Willow, please." Tara whispered her heart saying the words not her brain.

"You have always been in my heart Tara." Willow whispered back, pulling the blonde's hands up to kiss them in turn. "You are my heart. I'm the one who has to ask..." She kissed her hands again. "Plead, beg for you to take me back."

"Why would you have to do that?" A confused frown spread over Tara's brow. She pulled one hand free and brushed it over one of Willow's curls.

"Because I was so foolish, because I was too blind too understand what you needed from me." Willow tried to explain leaning into her hand.

"I didn't know what I needed Willow." Tara admitted stroking her thumb back and forth over Willow's cheek partially lost in the soft velvet like skin.

"Can you forgive me?" Willow's voice was soft and humble as she asked the all-important question.

"Of course I can." Tara nodded moving her hand over and over filled with a sudden feeling of completeness, the like of which she hadn't felt for so long. The love Faith had given her had been so special, but it had not been like Willow's love, and Sophie, well… Suddenly Tara's mind frayed once more as it listed unbidden the horrible things that Willow didn't know about, that had happened in the last eight years, things that had changed her life, and possibly darkened her soul forever. "But Willow, there are things, things that happened that you need to know." She had to force each of the painful words out.

"Sophie?" Willow asked quietly sensing the sudden change in the blonde, and taking a guess to its cause, she just hoped her word, and the display of initial knowledge would make this easier. Though she knew it was something that couldn't be easier in reality, she hoped that at least with Tara knowing that she knew it would ease the initial worry.

"Not everything, not details but enough." Willow nodded softly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there baby." She kissed Tara's hands again her voice full of heartfelt regret.

"If you want to tell me..." Willow continued in a gentle voice. "I'll listen to it all, but know before you even say a word..." She kissed the blonde's hand again. "It doesn't change you, doesn't change that I love you with everything that I am."

"Oh Willow." Tara said with a heart full of both love and pain part of her wishing beyond all hope that the hacker's words could be right, but the rest knowing that it changed so much. "It does change things, it changes me." She stressed hating the direction the conversation had suddenly taken.

"You are still my beautiful radiant Tara, it changed nothing." Willow shook her head reaching up to cup the hand still at her cheek.

"Was I your beautiful radiant Tara last night, when I couldn't move?" Tara tried not to sound self-loathing but failed after all she did hate it, hate what the attack had done to her, physically and mentally.

"Yes." Willow held her eye without wavering. "Nothing in the universe could take that from you." She added holding the blonde's hand tighter. Tara realized that Willow meant every beautiful word that left her lips.

"Faith saved my life, did she tell you that?" She went off at a slight tangent her heart not being able to take such words of adoration from the redhead.

"Faith and I had a long talk last night about a lot of things." Willow tried to clarify. Tara nodded and let her mind shift a little to the predicament that was Faith and Willow.

"And do you still feel so angry towards her? So jealous?" The blonde asked slightly hopeful the answer was no.

"No." Willow shook her head softly and a brief smile fluttered across Tara's face.

"I'm glad." She said honestly, her mind happy with this slight changed flipped back onto the point and main subject of their initial conversation. "Willow…" She began again.

"Yes love?" Willow purposely used the word she'd worked so hard to eradicate from her lips, giddy in its implications.

"Dawn is safe with Jack, I can't tell you how, or why I know it, I just do." There was complete conviction in the witch's voice.

"You know the sad thing in this..." Willow frowned a little. "I really like Jack and I don't know why I do."

"I know why." Tara smiled and closed her eyes briefly. Willow looked at her slightly curious. "It because she's brave, and intelligent, witty and pretty. She's a lot like you. Which would make her the perfect choice for Dawnie."

"Please don't tell Dawn she's dating someone like me." Willow laughed lightly. "It'll send her running for the hills I'm sure."

"I've got to let her go don't I?" Willow's voice went quiet as she looking into Tara's eyes, trusting in her guidance.

For some reason, perhaps the tone of complete belief in the witch's voice made Willow forget the question in her head about Jack and Dawn and their future, instead it turned back to her own future, or rather her own lack of one.

"Tara, I have to tell you something..." For the first time in ages the hacker's voice wavered. "About the spell."

"Anything." Tara soothed, her heart a thousand times more complete than it had been for days.

"Caedes abs Caedes, animo abs animo." Willow repeated one of the lines from the long spell, waiting to see if it sparked the horrible reality in Tara's mind that she expected it too.

"It's a sacrifice spell isn't it?" Tara didn't know how she managed to say the words as the brief cohesion the fragments of her heart had found dissipated. Though if she were honest a part of her had thought about these words, since the first time she had heard the hacker utter them in her nightmare in Halifax. Her lip trembled and she felt the familiar twist in her stomach that signaled her emotions turning in on themselves.

"Yes." Willow nodded the small words making her heart ache. Here she was at the beginning of the thing she'd been waiting for now for eight long years and it was all going to come to a quick violent end that she couldn't stop. "The sacrifice is..." She swallowed hard. "The spellcaster." She blinked her eyes and more warm tears traced down her cheeks.

Tara forced herself to take three slow long deep breaths and then flicked her eyes up at Willow's.

"I understand." She breathed suddenly. "I will do it willingly." She added looking away for the first time. A part of her feeling strangely relieved.

'Everything has its price.' That's what her mother had once told her. The price she had paid to get Tara was to suffer the pains of her husband, it seemed fitting therefore that the price Tara had to pay for getting Willow back was her own life. It made sense somehow.

"What?" Willow felt her grief at the revelation instantly replaced by fear and horror. "NO!" She objected violently. "I didn't tell you so that you'd do it, I didn't bring you here to do the spell." She shook her head again and again. "The spell is mine to cast."

"Where is it, I should read it, become familiar with it." Tara pulled her hands back from Willow's, not listening to the hacker's words as she put her hands on the arms of the stool she sat in and moved to push out of it.

"NO!" Willow's voice boomed off the kitchen. "You are not doing the spell, you are going to be far away from her when I cast it." She moved up and around blocking the door out of the kitchen.

"I won't let her hurt you." Fast hard tears streamed down Willow's face. "Not like she hurt Buffy, not if I can stop her. I won't let her hurt anyone else."

"Sweetie." Tara shook her head. "Look at me." Her lip trembled. "Look at me and listen to what I have to say." She slowly blinked her own tears down her face.

"No, you can't convince me of this Tara, never." Willow shook her head bracing herself in the doorway.

"Yes, I can." The blonde witch remained firm keeping her emotion in a tight lock. "The world needs you Willow Rosenberg, I knew that from the moment I met you. It needs your wisdom, you essence." She forced herself to remain strong as inside her heart ached.

"None of that matters, I have to kill her." Willow kept shaking her head, curls bouncing around her head.

"No, I've made myself stronger." Willow took a deep breath. "I've purified, I've prepared... I will do the spell."

"No." This time it was Tara who spoke firmly. "I won't let you." She underlined.

"I won't let you not let me, Faith and I have already agreed on how it will go." Willow fought back distraught.

Until this moment Tara's conviction had been solid, and even now it was not that that wavered, it was something else that wavered and that was her belief in Faith. She thought that if Faith understood nothing else it was that she loved Willow and would never let anything hurt her. The thought that the dark Slayer knew about Willow's proposed sacrifice and had done and said nothing against it shocked her to the very core of her being.

"I don't believe this." All of Tara's concentration and strength began instantly to fade, everything became harder, breathing, thinking, and feeling nearly impossible.

"She kept going on about killing Anezka, I had to tell her that it couldn't be her." Willow tried to explain. "Tara, I'm sorry." She cried harder, her entire body ached from the onslaught. "But this is the only way."

"I can't loose you." Tara suddenly gave into all the pressures in her heart and head and dropped back into the chair. The tight reigns wrapped around sections of her psyche snapped in sequence.

"I don't want to loose you either." Willow pushed her way back over to the chair she'd sat in previously.

"Come here baby." Willow held open her arms, needing, craving the contact with the blonde. Tara wrapped her arms around her body and let out a muffled sob.

"We'll fix this darling." Willow moved forward ever so slowly beginning to but her arms around the blonde, the state of her lover making her ache inside.

Tara leaned into Willow's offered embrace though her arms never unlocked themselves from round her own body. After all they were the only things keeping her together or so she felt.

"Sshhh darling." Willow pulled their bodies close together, wrapping her love around the blonde. "I'm right here Tara, I'm right here."

Flowers, that was all Dawn could see really, and they weren't really in focus, just blotches of color against green grass and brown earth. Almost painfully, slowly the young woman collapsed forward onto her knees, landing just short of one of the fresh bouquets, dropping her head forward into her hands as she wept.

A little way away a small gray haired woman stopped her careful tending of the grave she was beside and turned to watch the tall slim young woman who had so heartbreakingly collapsed down in front of the recent grave. She watched with a compassionate smile on her time weathered face, her hand absently pulling out a another weed as she continued to silently watch, waiting for the young woman's pain to subside.

The old woman watched for ten, maybe even fifteen minutes, but the dark brown head was still firmly leant against imploring hands so she pushed herself up from the graveside and slowly made her way over.

The young woman seemed not to notice the approach, she just remained in her position of mourning, weeping hard, and rocking slightly. For a moment the old woman felt a little guilt for looking, for watching as intently as she had, but the feeling passed as she reached out a hand and placed it lightly on the young woman's shoulder.

Dawn jumped, someone had touched her, but she hadn't heard anything, anyone. She flicked her head back, and turned it, blinking furiously to try and rid her eyes of painful salty tears.

"It's all right." The elderly woman's voice was soft and warm. For some reason it reminded Dawn of the cinnamon biscuits her mom used to bake her when she was younger. "I didn't mean to scare you." She apologized.

Dawn took a few breaths and shook her head, the world slowly regaining its focus.

"I…I…er don't come much." Dawn stammered thinking quickly. Who are you? What are you doing here? Leave me alone. Her mind silently demanded answers.

"Sister, that's my Mom's." Dawn replied, not really knowing why she was saying anything. The old woman nodded thoughtfully.

"I come here to look after my family too." Gladys nodded back to where she had come from. "My husband, two sons and a granddaughter." She spoke with a sad smile.

Dawn almost couldn't breath through the sadness she felt. Is this what life was about, all this pain, all this loss? Her heart burned within her like a fire.

"But I don't want to let her go." Dawn shook her head fresh tears streaming down her face. "I miss her too much, I need her." She clutched a handful of hard cold earth and held it against her denim jacket.

"It's obviously too soon for you yet my child, but the time will come." The old woman soothed, rubbing her hand up and down Dawn's arm.

"I have to go, someone is expecting me." Suddenly overwhelmed by everything, Dawn pushed herself up off the cold unforgiving ground, and pulled away from her comforter. Gladys let her move and watched as she hurried away.

"Blessed be." She whispered under her breath before moving away with a sad sigh and a slight shake of her head to tend the graves of her own loved ones.

Jack hung her helmet up on the rack by the door and shrugged off her coat. She'd taken a long ride after leaving Dawn's place. She'd needed to just to clear her head.

Absently she brushed a dead bug carcass off the flames that licked around her black head protection. She listened for a moment, surprised when a quite house spoke back to her. Obviously her three roommates were out somewhere, and that suited her just fine at the moment.

She walked over the debris and garbage in the hallway. The cause for the quite boiled down to the fact someone had had a party the night before and everyone must still be in unconscious recovery. She made a beeline toward her room in the basement. She undid the padlock on the door to her sanctuary and pushed it open, automatically throwing on the lock on the inside as she went down.

Running her fingers through her hair, she passed by the hanging curtain that cut off her area from the stairs and moved straight over to the futon bed. She pushed off a scattering of clothing and CDs as she laid back.

Her head had barely hit the pillow when she heard the familiar knock on the small security window above her. Quickly she hopped up on the bed and looked at the face that hung there.

She flicked the lock off seeing the panic on her lover's face and swung the window open so that Dawn could slide in. The darker haired young woman did just that.

"Sit down, tell me what happened." Jack urged her downwards and reached back to flick on the orange shaggy lamp by her bedside. Dawn sat down and let herself cry some more.

"Willow hates me, I moved out." She mumbled incoherently everything just too much for her coping strategy.

"What?" Jack looked at her shocked and amazed. She hugged her tightly not sure what she could do to make things better.

A level of Dawn's mind that craved control and order kicked it, forcing her to take a breath and try and explain more eloquently.

"Willow and I had a big fight. I told her that I didn't care what she thought, that I loved you and wanted to be with you." She explained.

"You told her that?" Jack smiled softly a little more than unable to believe what Dawn had said. Dawn nodded her side beginning to ache from all the crying and running she had done.

"First, I love you too." Jack continued to smile and leaned in kissed her cheek. "Secondly, Willow could no more hate you than I could."

"You didn't hear what I said to her." Dawn looked up more than grateful to receive the kiss but a bit at a loss to why she deserved it.

"No matter what you said Sunshine, Willow loves you." Jack hugged her tighter and kissed her again.

"You are gorgeous, loving, wonderful, amazing..." Jack kissed her with each word for effect. "But I know how you get when you get angry, you just need to calm down and get your bearings." She added gently.

"I went to see Buffy." Dawn admitted after taking a few careful breaths in and out in time with her lover.

"Oh baby." Jack held her close hoping she'd keep talking and spill everything that was upsetting.

"I think Angel's been again, there were new white roses." Her tears stopped as she continued.

"And Giles had brought her and Mom new flowers too." Dawn didn't know why she was telling Jack all this. "Pretty yellow and orange ones."

"I don't think Tara's been yet, I think I know she hasn't cause she would have taken flowers, something." Dawn heard Jack's offer with one part of her brain, but the rest wasn't really listening.

"It's been really crazy, she'll go soon I'm sure." Jack tried to follow along as she rubbed Dawn's back.

"I know baby." Jacqui held her tighter. "If I could bring her back I would in a heartbeat."

"It hurts less when I'm with you." The young woman admitted leaning against Jack hard.

"Then why don't you stay here for a few days, I'll phone Willow and tell her so she doesn't worry." Jack continued to rub her back.

"Just still you feel a bit stronger." Jack countered lovingly. "Unless you think I'll drive you crazy." She gave a slight grin.

"I know you won't do that." Dawn grinned a little bit brighter back. "Do you think she'll mind?" For the first time Dawn looked round the room and let her eyes rest on a distant chair curled up on which was a distinctly familiar shape.

"I think she'd mind less if you phone and tell her where you're staying instead of me." Jack pushed slightly.

Away on the chair, Miss. Kitty arched up stretching as she saw the new arrival and padded her way over to Dawn demanding attention.

"Nonsense." Dawn scooped up the black and white fur ball and hugged her gently. "You're on Dawnie's side aren't you, Jack here's great to sleep with isn't she."

"Why did you tell her you were moving out Sunny?" Jack pulled the questioning back round, now that Dawn had calmed a little. She wanted to truly understand what was going on.

"I think I said something like, I don't want your protection, I don't want your worry or you concern, I don't want any of it. I hate this damn house. I'd already booked a meeting with the school to see if I could move into my dorm early, I think I am going to try and bump the meeting forward." Dawn winced as she admitted how she had handled the situation.

"That was harsh baby." Jack agreed with her but kept on rubbing her back. "What did Willow say to make you so angry?"

"She asked me to explain." The young woman replied. "What I felt, about you, about everything, and so I did, I told her that everyone had told me what I should want or need, but that no one had asked."

"Why would that make you angry? You kept telling me you wanted to talk to her, really talk about all that." Jack reached back and got some tissues handing them to her girlfriend so she could blow her nose as she sniffled.

"But I can't talk to her. I just look at her and I get so angry." Dawn took the offered tissue and cleared her nose.

"She let Buffy die." Dawn's voice came out a tortured squeak and she named the route of her anger.

"I know, but that's how it feels in here." Dawn put her hand over her heart and she melted into Jack's body.

"It was a horrible tragedy love but it wasn't in Willow's control. If it had been possible I know in my heart that Willow would have died before she let anything hurt Buffy." Jack surmised the obvious.

"I know, I really do." Dawn tried to be convinced. "But how can I believe it, when she doesn't. Willow is living and breathing guilt. It's what consumes her. I can't get close to her, not while she's blaming herself so hard."

"Sunny, she's dealing with a lot right now." Jack tried to say something to defend the hacker's position.

"You always have something good to say about people don't you." Dawn stopped and took a deep breath.

"So you're saying I'm wrong? I should go back there and apologize?" Dawn frowned.

"She loves you Dawn, if she didn't she wouldn't give a damn about where you went or who you were with." Jack tried to explain. "I'm telling you that I love you and I am behind you no matter what and that you should follow your heart." She hugged the slim girl. "And maybe right now Willow needs someone to tell her she's not responsible for what happens, someone who really has the right to tell her."

"Right now the only shred of a heart I have is with you." Dawn blinked up at Jacqui. "I can't be responsible for mending another." She added with a slow sad shake of her head.

"Your heart isn't just mine and it shouldn't be." She kept talking knowing that Dawn didn't understand. "A part of it is your Mom's, a part of it is Buffy's..." She put her hand on Dawn's cheek. "And a part of it is Willow's, they are your family."

"I think I have had enough of talking." Dawn whispered sadly, Jack's words hitting home with perfect accuracy.

"Come here then, no more talking." Jack pulled her closer and down into the bed to rest.

For the first time in days, weeks, years Willow felt a pain inside her ease. With its quench came a feeling of slight temperament to all the other feelings that swirled around inside her fragile form.

Carefully she held onto the silent blonde in her arms, having coaxed her back up to bed after a lot of reassurance and support. They had chosen Willow's room, as it was closer, with fewer stairs to manage on weak legs. Tara had insisted Willow dash up to the loft and retrieve her bag before she settled, but when that was safely on the side she seemed happier.

Willow studied the subtle changes in Tara's features, studied the familiar feel of silky blonde as she ran her fingers through it. Where slight creases of laugh lines had existed in university, Willow was disheartened to not see more defined patters brought on by years of happy living. But she knew the same could be said for herself, she'd aged well this far but wasn't there a fact somewhere that it took less toll on the skin if one didn't laugh or smile?

She tried to block everything out of her mind and just enjoy this moment, this moment here in bed, holding Tara again, having been able to again exchange words of love with the blonde.

"Feels nice." Tara whispered softly not opening her heavy eyes just soaking in the feeling of warmth and safety being held close to Willow caused to flood her being.

"Feels like home." Willow whispered back kissing her forehead gently with lingering lips.

"They stopped making the other one." Willow smiled to know such a little detail wouldn't be missed. "Does it work as a substitute?"

"Hummm, not to heavy, but not too citrusy either, yes it works." Tara summarized with a smile. "Who chose it?"

"Buffy." Willow spoke the Slayer's name softly. For the first time in days the emotions that battled inside her did not find dark guilt and shame the winner.

"She said a Willow without perfume was like a flower without petals." The hacker laughed. "I never did quite get her metaphors."

"When did she get all poetry based?" Tara laughed softly and brought her arm over to lie across Willow's body ever so lightly.

"She started taking classes on the side." Willow's fingers continued their short path. "She actually wrote some very nice pieces." She kissed Tara's forehead again.

Willow slowly pushed the door to the screen in porch open with her back, carefully balancing the two cups of herbal tea in her hands. It was warm, even for October and as she placed their cups down she understood why neither of them wanted to miss a moment outdoors while it was still to be had.

"I think maybe this was a bad idea." Buffy dropped the pad of paper down onto the couch next to her and sighed heavily. "I should stick to history, who every though I could write poetry?"

"Well actually I think I laughed hysterically at the idea." Willow snuggled into the edge of the couch she'd reluctantly left to make them tea.

"I'm kidding, I think it's a great idea." The hacker grinned knowing that her comment would get the blonde's attention. "Though I think I'll have to budget for more paper at Dolphin, it's so worth it." She noted the piles of crumpled paper at Buffy's feet.

"This ones just not working." Buffy looked down at the latest incantation and frowned. "Maybe I should stick to slaying."

"No, I bet it's beautiful." Willow shook her head. She really was impressed with Buffy's writing and the idea of her stopping seemed a tragedy of sorts. "Have your tea enjoy the sunset with me and then see how things go."

"That's it." Buffy exclaimed happily as she picked her pen up and began scribbling.

"Okay I'll have my tea and enjoy the sunset." Willow laughed, as Buffy became lost in her own world again.

"Did you keep them?" Tara asked not wanting to upset the other woman, but out of genuine curiosity.

"All of her books are in her room." Willow quivered slightly but it was mild and not a shock to her body. "We haven't sorted through anything yet. There hasn't been time."

"Of course not, we can do it when things have calmed down." Tara deliberately made the statement knowing that it suggested nothing of the dark future that may lie ahead.

"We'll have to convince Dawn too." Willow easily took up her optimistic lead. The last thing she wanted to do was think about the bleakness of her own future.

"With both of us supporting her, she'll be fine." Tara assured letting her thoughts drift fondly to the young woman.

"And Jack." Willow added trying to get her head more and more around the importance the tall girl held in Dawn's life.

"I've been so blind haven't I?" Willow questioned softly knowing out of anyone that the blonde could give her instant perspective.

"I am not sure blind is the right word darling." Tara replied snuggling in a little closer.

"You've never been pig headed, I doubt you could start it in your late twenties." Tara laughed softly. "You wanted to protect Dawnie from anything that could hurt her, a relationship, no matter how solid or sure it seems to be can result in pain."

"Jack hasn't had the easiest life." Willow underlined slightly for her own defense, not that any was necessary, and a part of her knew that.

"Tell me about her." Tara settled herself against the redhead and breathed in deeply feeling herself relax in comfortable familiarity.

"She's almost two years older than Dawn, but she took the preverbal time off between high school and university." Willow filled in the first fact that had grated on Buffy's nerves. "Do you remember the tall blonde headed woman who was on that soap opera? The one who was in the car wreck in the show only to show up as her own twin?" She tried to remember the character's name but it eluded her suddenly.

"You know the one who then plotted to kill the president. She went on to do those car rental commercials." Willow laughed at the look she got.

"Mmmmm I think I only saw the two episodes of Passions you forced me to watch on the golden old channel." Tara laughed a little more.

"Jack's mother is her own dead twin?" Tara felt her giggles become uncontrollable.

"And she planned to kill the president? Poor Jack!" Tara began to feel the twitch of a laughing stitch in her side.

"You should hear Jack tell about it, it's hilarious." Willow laughed with her. "But she doesn't talk about her much."

"Jack was in her senior year." Willow kissed the blonde's forehead again. "Every now and then one of the tabloid shows does a big 'Was it murder or was it suicide?' thing and drags Jack back into the spotlight."

"Except Dawn loved her mother, Jack can barely stand to talk about hers." Willow hated to see the dark lining instead of the silver. "She went through a lot apparently, the whole child of a star syndrome."

"Jack still loved her mother Willow, deep down every daughter loves their mother no matter how hard it is and you still have yours baby, it makes a difference." Tara didn't want to seem antagonistic but she also felt that Willow was being somewhat pessimistic about things.

"I can't pretend to even begin to understand." Willow leaned in and kissed her forehead again. "For what I understand Jack spent a lot of years messed up and the only one that can be given credit for getting her out is Jack." She tried to find a better slant on things.

Tara nodded but her mind had latched onto another train of thought that she decided to follow up briefly.

"I can imagine." Tara said her voice full of understanding, she had loved traveling and Oxford had been a place of fond memories.

"I was thinking..." Willow turned away from talk of her mother. "About Dawn and Jack and the whole mess."

"And what did that brilliant mind of yours come up with?" Tara relaxed again happy to give up any line of deep and possible troubling thought.

"Well Dawn said that what she needs right now is Jack, what if I offer to move Jack in here for a while?" Willow threw the idea out for contemplation.

"She shares a broken down off campus place with a few people." Willow snuggled in closer. "Over on Twentieth Street, which has gotten worse since we were in university if you know what I mean."

"I think that would be a fine idea, though do you have another room?" Tara asked the question subtly.

"The basement is all finished, we just never really got around to furnishing it." Willow appraised. "A bed won't be a hard thing to get moved in."

"That's somewhat of a shame." Tara turned her head and looked up at Willow with a wide grin.

"Why?" Willow looked down at her grin. "You don't like the loft?" The redhead caught on suddenly.

"Oh I like the loft, but I'm not against bunking in with someone, should the need arise." Tara wrinkled her nose.

"Well it would be easier to move her into the loft." Willow grinned back. "Are you sure? I don't want to rush you." She added in a soft caring voice.

"Rush me into what?" Tara gave the hacker a sly smile that spread across her face slowly from the slight curl on the right side of her mouth right the way across her fine features.

"I'm offering to sleep in your bed Miss. Rosenberg, nothing more, nothing less." The blonde gave Willow's body a light squeeze.

"That's exactly what I meant." Willow squeezed her back. "Thank you." She whispered softly looking deep into blue eyes.

"No thanks Will." Tara shook her head and lifted it slightly bringing it closer to the redhead's.

"I love you." Willow whispered the words hesitating with their lips close together.

"You would not believe how many nights, I have heard you say that." Tara whispered her eyes taking in every nuance of Willow's slightly age worn features.

"I say it every night to the stars." Willow watched herself being studied. "So they could tell you wherever you were."

"I'm sorry for all that happened, with my father..." Tara instantly felt the need to apologize.

"No, no baby." Willow shook her head softly. "I'm the one who is sorry for being so stupid."

"You weren't stupid darling, you were in love." Tara shook her head just the smallest amount.

"All forgiven and never worried about again?" Willow smiled softly trying to completely mend this between them and move on together from it.

"I would like that." Tara admitted softly, it was true that this was indeed what her heart most desired.

"So again I say I love you." Willow held her tight and moved her face down close to the blonde's.

"I love you." Tara lifted up and closed her lips over Willow's shifting the grip she had on the redhead's body just slightly.

"You are so beautiful." Willow moved back slightly after some time to take a breath of air into her taxed lungs.

"Your eyes have gotten even more deeper, more thoughtful..." Willow looked into green her voice soft and reverent. "More gorgeous." She surmised gently, holding the blonde tight to her.

"And you are still perfection." Tara ran her fingers through a slightly longer red curl, rubbing the strands of hair lightly between her finger and thumb as she repeated the smooth action over and over.

"With you beside me again I have a chance to be close to it." Willow's eyes fluttered close to closing briefly as Tara played with her hair.

"I nearly lost my mind when you left, after Dad's funeral." Tara breathed. "When I told you to go." She corrected herself sadly.

"I did." Willow admitted rubbing her hand on the blonde's back trying to tell it was okay, it was in the past, a past they had finally beaten. She didn't even let doubting thoughts of the spell creep in she couldn't bear too.

"What did you do? When you came home?" Tara asked, it seemed stupid but this had been something that had plagued her over the years. She had played a thousand different scenarios: Willow crying in an empty train station, shouting at a no body in a crowded airport terminal.

"I went to Buffy." Willow answered the question in the simplest but most pure way. She closed her eyes briefly and nodded the memory coming back to her with quick clarity.

"Buffy!" Willow pulled open the back door to the Magic Shop and looked around her eyes moving rapidly over the assembled work out equipment, quickly resting on the form of the Slayer sitting on one of the slim mats in a meditation pose.

The redhead's coat was still wet even after the long ride home, though if she was honest it had got thoroughly soaked at the graveside when she had just stood there in stunned silence for at least an hour, after Tara's departure.

"Will?" Buffy gracefully moved out of her pose and stood up, glancing round her best friend to see if the blonde witch was behind her, though the Slayer knew from the look on her face and the tears filling the familiar green eyes, that Tara wasn't back in Sunnydale. "What happened?" She added as she moved forward her hand reaching out for her best friend.

"Oh Buffy!" Willow stepped forward to and was glad to be met by the Slayer's open arms. "I messed up Buffy." She sobbed.

Buffy drew her hand over and over Willow's wet coat, as she held her tight, without even a trace of discomfort, even though the heavy rain that soaked it, must have bled through the tight top and shorts she wore in and instant.

"Did you see Tara?" Buffy tried to at least draw some points of fact from her weeping friend. Willow nodded against the Slayer's shoulder. "And did you tell her, tell her all those things we talked about?" She pushed for details. This time the hacker shook her head and pulled back from the comfort.

"It was horrible." Willow brushed at her wet face with her hands. "I looked at her, she looked so old, so grown up in a long black coat, her hair's so long." She felt herself slip into babble mode but could not find the energy to stop. "Her dad had a brother, he was there, and cousin Beth, you remember her." Her eyes briefly met Buffy's looking for recognition. The Slayer nodded. "And her mother had a sister, she was there, she stood with Tara it's amazing how similar they look."

"Will, calm down." Buffy urged feel slightly over whelmed by 'willow waffle'. "What happened between you and Tara, why are you back?"

"She thinks I think she is a monster." Willow blurted out after several aborted attempts at explanation.

"What?" Buffy just started at the hacker with a deep frown, "How, why, what?" She tried to focus.

"I don't know." Willow burst into a fresh set of tears. "I love her Buffy, I don't know what happened." She wailed.

Buffy closed the gap between them again and wrapped her arms tight around her distraught friend.

"Okay Will, shush." She said soothingly. "Let's take you back to my place, you can hang around there for a while and you sort a few things out, Dawn won't tell people where you are." She vowed. "And if she does I'll just torture her." She tried a joke.

Willow did not reply she merely let herself lean against her best friend, everything just hurt too much, and if Buffy was offering her a way to sort it then all she could do was go along.

"I went to Buffy cause my world had ended and she fixed stuff like that all the time, I thought she could fix us too." She felt her hand rubbing Tara's back though it went on automatic sorta as she tried to retell those horrible months.

"It looks like she managed." Tara said loving the constant smooth motion on her back.

"Pretty much she let me hide at her Mom's house and wallow." The redhead knew she had to be honest.

"She did, she was really afraid I was going to go mad I think." Her words stayed soft, her hand rubbing gently.

"Did you feed her too much catnip?" The blonde grinned and then squeezed Willow tighter aware that the memories must be painful, both because of the terrible time that it was, and because the person who had helped her though it was no longer alive.

"I read each of your letters." Tara said even quieter than before, not sure how Willow would react to this information.

"Did you?" Willow asked taking a slightly shaky breath. "I never knew if you did or not. They never came back but..." She stopped herself not wanting to seem angry or upset Tara hadn't written back. After all that wasn't what she had written them for.

"It did grow rather tall." Tara nodded in agreement. "Sophie persuaded me to read them." She gave a sad smile.

"I hope they didn't make you sad." Willow balked from pushing the Sophie conversation unless Tara pushed it herself.

"They didn't, I did the feeling sad part all on my own." Tara's face still retained its smile though she recognized Willow's side step of any Sophie discussion.

"All I did well into the next year was do research for Buffy, work on the government program and write you." Willow realized that her hand movements had pulled up Tara's soft cotton top and she let her hand drift onto warm flesh.

"I wrote you a hundred replies in my head." Tara admitted absently as the hand that had toyed with soft red hair slipped lower to gently caress the skin at the back of Willow's neck.

Willow felt her shoulders and neck relax under Tara's hand as she though about the past, her mind lingering on the now tatty rainbow colored envelope that lay in the top draw of her dressing table.

"The letter you wrote..." she said quietly, "The one you left for me... I read it every morning, every night."

"I was hoping you'd burnt that." Tara admitted her own mind recalling with clarity the moment she had written it.

Tara let herself smile as she listened to the unconscious ramblings of her sleeping girlfriend. She reached out a slightly shaking hand and drew it lightly over soft red curls.

'Are you really going to do this? Are you really going to leave all this?' She asked herself as she glanced around her eyes resting briefly on Miss. Kitty who was curled up on her light green sweater. 'Leaving Miss. Kitty.' Her mind called, making her drag her eyes back to rest on Willow once more. 'Leaving her."

But gone was the time for contemplation, the decision were made, and most necessary steps had already been taken. Literally all Tara had to do was leave, leave the bed, leave their room and meet with M. Giles, only that and…

Tara shifted just slightly and reached for the notepad that sat beside the bed on the small bedside cabinet. Willow had bought her the pad from a Craft Fair, it had a border of stars and moons in all different shades of blue, the paper itself being a slightly faded rainbow of colors. It had matching envelopes, which the hacker had run back to buy after seeing the delighted smile on Tara's face when she had opened the small brown paper bag.

"I know I have probably told you this a thousand times, but I love watching you sleep."

Tara looked up from her words briefly to gaze at her sleeping lover, committing every millimeter of her face and body to memory. She pulled herself away from the vision of perfection and looked back at the note pad.

"I can hardly believe that as I watch you now it will be the last time I do. Everything about it seems so normal you see, not like it's the last time at all. I wish I could have told you last night that it was going to be, then maybe…" Tara lifted the pen off the paper and shook her head, carefully drawing a thin line through all her words from 'at all' onwards.

"Should I go into a lengthy explanation darling?" Tara wrote feeling her eyes fill up with tears. "I don't think I should do you? I would just stutter and panic and cry and all those other things I do that show to you that I am un-happy, and you don't need that, because you know how unhappy I am writing this. I am as unhappy at this moment, now as you read, as you are."

Tara had to take the pen away again as she felt her heart breaking a little more, she drew in a painful breath.

"If there were any other way I would do it, but there isn't my darling. I have to prove to him, to myself, to my family, that I am not the same as them. I am not selfish, cold and unforgiving. And all of that is because of you Willow, you taught me what it was to love, you loved me and you let me love you, and I cannot ever be the person I was before you. You turned me from a victim to a conqueror and I will always, always love you."

A tear dripped from Tara's cheek onto the soft blue stripe in the rainbow paper.

"The last thing I heard you say to me, before you fell asleep after we had made love last night, was that you loved me, and that fact, the fact that you love awkward, shy, gawky me, makes me beautiful, I hope you can understand what a gift you give to me Willow. I can only pray that you find someone who makes you feel as beautiful as you are."

Tara took a deeper more controlled breath as she glanced at the clock, she didn't have much time.

"Please darling, don't blame Mr. Giles for not telling you all that was planned, I asked him not to and he is far to kind-a-man to break his word, and when he gives you this letter, read it when you can, when you need to and know that truly, truly Willow I didn't WANT…" She underlined the word. "To leave you, there was just no other way."

Disturbed by a sudden prod at her hand by a furry head, Tara nearly drew the pen over the rest of the sheet of paper. Thankfully she managed to lift it high before it skidded sideways. Giving in for a moment she rubbed the cat's soft head and ears, before drawing herself back to the letter.

"I have to go my love, though so much of me remains. I know you will be beautiful in all you do, please know that whatever you do in the future I will always be proud of you, always be proud to love you, always.

Tara placed the pen down and folded the note up, reaching for one of the matching envelopes. She was about to slip the letter inside what she stopped. She unfolded it carefully and picked up the pen again.

"Remember…" She scrawled on the bottom. "Don't come after me, I don't want that, he has no rights to you or your life, only mine, stay in school, be who you are destined to be, love who you are destined to love, remember me. X "

Tara quickly put the pen down again and slipped the note inside the waiting envelope. She scrawled 'WILLOW' on the front and underlined it, and was about o seal it, when again she stopped. She pulled open the drawer and took out her most treasure possession. She looked at it, smiling sadly at the faces that looked back at her.

Wearing a smile that would beat the sun and a yellow and orange swirled dress that would have come in close second, Willow stood with her arms wrapped around Tara's waist, the blonde had her arms wrapped around Willow in a similar fashion, her own patterned skirt and top complimenting Willow's attire as best it could. The blonde's smile nearly as bright and keen as Willow's.

Behind them stretched between to light fittings was a banner that read 'Happy Engagement'. The professional photographer that had been hired to take snap shots at the door had taken the picture at Anya and Xander's engagement party and had caught them completely by surprise, Tara hadn't been able to resist buying it.

With a slightly heavy breath she slipped the photograph into the envelope with the letter and sealed it. She laid it to rest on the side table before she slipped out of bed and got dressed silently. Willow slept on in blissful oblivion.

Fifteen minutes later, washed and dressed, Tara was ready. She slipped the note into her pocket ready to give to Giles when she got into the car. She kissed Miss. Kitty on the head, as she was now curled up in the warm spot Tara had vacated. Then she went over and knelt before Willow. She reached up and kissed her lightly.

"No need to wake up angel, I have that meeting remember." Tara said softly brushing her finger over Willow's tussled hair.

"Oh yeah, meeting." Willow let her eyes fall closed again. "Snuggle." She demanded.

"I love you too." The blonde whispered kissing her lips, before pulling away, picking up the knapsack that had been packed now for an age, from it's place in her bedside cupboard and moved to the door.

"I will always love you." She whispered before slipping out closing the door on her life and her heart.

"No, it was a piece of you." Tara was pulled back to reality by Willow's soft words, she looked up to see Willow looking down into her blue eyes. "It was too precious to lose."

"Why didn't you mail it?" She rubbed her fingers into the flesh of the blonde's back massaging.

"I gave it to Faith, she said she would, but I knew she wouldn't." Tara gave a sad smile. She felt her body remembering Willow's gentle touches, how they both soothed and excited her made her feel alive and yet calm.

"I doubt it, it wasn't a very…" She paused thinking of the word. "Happy letter." She decided upon.

"Whatever it was, it doesn't matter now." Willow moved in closer to her, brushing their lips together. "You're here now." She hugged her slightly to underline.

"Nothing matters now." Tara agreed breathing lightly onto Willow's lips and face, her back arched subtly against the redhead.

"Tara, I..." Willow's eyes scanned over the blonde's face as a long smoldering fire ignited into an inferno of desire suddenly within her. Thoughts of their time together at Tara's apartment so recently clouded her for a moment as she realized that even in its beauty something big had been missing.

"I feel like I'm back at your dorm room in the blackout." The redhead laughed slightly nervous as she realized that was exactly how she felt. Full of such nervous energy, completely sure that she loved Tara, completely sure of what she wanted, just not sure that Tara would feel the same after all that had happened. That time in the dorm it had been Oz that had caused any element of doubt this time however it was just time.

"Would you?" Tara couldn't believe how giddy she felt and yet at the same time how right this all was. Although only moments ago she was reliving the horror of leaving Willow, now her mind and heart were focused on rediscovering that which was lost.

Willow moved to a dark wooden chest in the corner and rummaged through it. Many things made it to the floor before she found what she wanted. Fumbling with the array on her dresser she sparked a lighter and sent the fat light yellow candle ablaze.

"How's this?" Willow grinned as she turned with the candle gripped in both hands.

"I think this time it should be me who says I feel horrible for everything I put you through." Tara stood up and moved closer holding both hands out towards Willow and the candle.

"No, no, you got it wrong, you're supposed to look at me." Tara shook her head smiling lightly. "And then I say 'and I want to make it up to you, starting right now'."

"I want to make it up to you." Tara looked through the candle flame at the redhead her eyes full of love. "Starting right now." She whispered.

"Right now?" Willow whispered the moment in time replayed so easily in her mind.

Tara grinned and nodded very slowly. Slowly Willow took in a slight breath and breathed it out over the single flame, its once flickering light snapping out. Tara stood motionless, until her eyes became accustomed enough in the dim lit room to see wisps of smoke trailing up from the candle.

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The Letting Go

by The Rainbow Writers

Copyright © 2003

rainbowwriters@hotmail.com