The Letting Go

by The Rainbow Writers

Copyright © 2003

rainbowwriters@hotmail.com

Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Willow, Tara, Faith, Giles, Dawn and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of Joss Whedon, Fox and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the authors. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Please contact the authors for permission to reproduce this story on any other fanfiction site.
Distribution: The Rainbow Writer's Homepage: http://www.therainbowwriters.com/
Mystic Muse: http://mysticmuse.net
Feedback: All feedback is welcome.
Author's Note: This story is set a little over eight years from the current time place of the series in season five, (with the premise that Glory has been defeated, without the loss of any of the gang or any severe trauma to them i.e. Tough Love didn't happen in this storyline). It is a severely traumatic story, which has come about in an attempt to deal with the topic of loss and the variety of emotional responses that evolve from these life-changing experiences.
Pairing: Willow/Tara

Part Two

Faith didn't know exactly how she'd managed to do it but somehow she'd melted the distance between there and here in mere hours. Hours that of course had rocked through her like an eternity but now as she stood poised before this wooden door baring Tara's hidden symbols of protection she knew it had really not been that long.

The dark Slayer had to fight down a slight wave of nausea that threatened to hit her, not because she was here, not because she may be faced with seeing Willow again, but more because of what may be wrong, possibly with Tara. The thought that anything may have happened to the blonde witch, was not something Faith processed easily, in fact her brain could not process it at all.

As she glanced up at the heavily varnished door, she could not help but think back briefly to the times gone by, times when she was younger, angrier, and less focused. Closed doors had never frightened her then, never caused her to pause, she'd just kick them open, ready to face whatever lay behind them, ready to change the unknown into something Faith conquered.

But that was a different Faith, she reminded herself as she reached out a suddenly shaky hand and rested it on the dark wood, a Faith before jail, a Faith before her life with Tara.

"There are other emotions you know, that exist in this world, other than anger and fear." Tara looked up at Faith through her long lashes. The dark Slayer regarded her from her position by the pull out couch, a look of tired boredom on her face.

"Yeah there's love, and joy, contentment happiness." Faith's voice was slick with sarcasm as she raised her eyebrows and shook her head. "Spare me Blondie, I don't need this lecture. Look what love did for you." She added with a slight snort.

Tara flicked her eyes up at the Slayer and then down at her own pajama clad body, heavy bulky bandages discernible around her stomach below the fleecy cotton, looked down to the dark bruises beginning around her wrists to disappear up the light gray sleeves.

"My name is Tara." Tara said slowly, biting back the pain and hurt Faith's remark caused her. "And love didn't cause this, anger and fear did." She clarified. "Love saved me."

Something about the way the fragile blonde met her words with controlled assurance and temper made Faith stop. She looked at Tara with a slightly different view. Since the day she had carried the bleeding wreck of a body from the burning shell of her apartment, Faith had seen Tara as a victim, something used by the world and its evils, and thrown away when it was deemed useless.

Her day trips to visit her as Tara made the initial steps to heal in the hospital had confirmed Faith's thoughts. As the blonde was visited by doctor after doctor, put of medication after medication, it was hammered home to the dark Slayer that this young witch was just another sad human being in an equally sad pathetic world.

But at that moment Faith looked at Tara and didn't see a victim, didn't see a damaged body and a fragile mind, she saw a beautiful, powerful, strong young woman. Tara Maclay had stolen a part of Faith's heart that second, and Faith knew that she could never take it back.

Taking a slight breath, Faith flicked the key out of her pocket and slid it silently into the lock. It was time to face this, whatever this may be.

Entering the apartment met her with a wave of experiences that made her feel both as if she was coming home, a concept that was foreign to her at the best of times and a feeling of coming face to face with her greatest fear. Something bad had happened the question now was what.

Not bothering with lights she made her way down the hall going straight to Tara's room. It was insanely late, or early depending on your point of view, the dawn would be coming soon and it was the most logical place for the blonde to be. Without thought or hesitation she opened the door to the woman's sanctuary and instantly was hit by the smell of sex. Thick and musty in the air, what had gone on was a fact in her brain long before she focused on the two figures curled naked into one another within the satin sheets.

Faith literally took a step back, of all the things she had expected this wasn't it. This was, this was unimaginable.

As she had conjured it to, the serenity spell broke the instant the front door opened. Shaking her head, Tara blinked open her eyes. She vaguely registered a noise at the bedroom door and pulled her arm from around Willow's body where it was draped, and turned towards the noise.

"Wake her and get dressed." Faith spoke the words in a hiss as she locked her jaw to the bile that rose up in her throat. "I'll be in the living room." She began to turn away before she turned back.

"Faith." Tara's gasped whisper choked in her throat her mind instantly recognizing the hushed tight tone.

"And for Christ sake at least wash your hands." The dark Slayer walked out and slammed the door.

Tara cursed silently and uncurled herself from Willow trying hard to control her whirling mind as she slipped out of the bed.

"What's going on?" Willow fumbled to make words as she felt herself pulled from a thick exhausted sleep.

"Nothing." Tara shook her head. "I need the bathroom." She added. "You go back to sleep." She added pulling on her shirt from the day before hastily buttoning it.

Tara whispered simple words in ancient Latin as she pulled open the drawer and slipped on clean underwear and beige cotton pants. Willow's body listened to the small instruction before her mind even had time. It was too focused on the thankfully dreamless state to focus in on the shake in the blonde's voice. Checking the redhead had indeed gone back to sleep the blonde crossed to the door, with a last sad look at the sleeping woman Tara slipped out to face the fire.

With barely controlled anguish Tara moved down the hall into the living room.

"This better not be the fucking reason I got called." Faith stood by the large windows, the curtains thrown back to the corners so that the dark Slayer was framed there in the soft beginnings of the dawn. The bright orange sun shining through the long dark curls that hung around tense shoulders.

She tried to draw in deep breaths as she watched Tara hurry into the room, part of her waging war on the anger inside, at least Tara was alive, safe, unharmed, the Tara owned part of her put forward softly. But as often happened with the dark Slayer the angry part of her heart won over as her soft almost loving look turned into a harsh stare.

"It's not." Tara kept her head down wanting desperately to look up and challenge Faith on what she had seen, what she thought it was. But she couldn't, because she knew where Faith's mind would be right now, and that was not a place that understood or listened to reasons no matter how good they were. She felt her whole body begin to tremble ever so slightly.

"It's big isn't it?" Faith swallowed hard her voice slightly tempered for the first time as she watched in pain, the fear and worry her initial words had caused the blonde. If there was one thing Faith had sworn never to do, it was scare Tara, nothing was worth that, not even this apparent act of betrayal.

'Though…' She thought with a bitter internal laugh. 'It's hardly betrayal, she's not yours anymore.'

"Yes." Tara looked up for the first time, her eyes meeting the dark brown ones that regarded her, another small fragment of her heart breaking away from the whole as she saw the pain within the deep pools. "And that wasn't…" She breathed suddenly needing to explain. "That wasn't what it seemed." She said sadly.

"Tara, I've had enough sex in my life to know just what that was..." Faith couldn't help but shout down Tara's attempt at an explanation or apology, she looked at her briefly before turning away. "Just from the smell of it." She took a deep breath somehow knowing deep inside that in mere moments none of this would matter. "What's happened?"

"You're right." Tara whispered dropping her head. "That's exactly what it was." She hadn't even heard Faith's question.

"Tara, what's happened?" Faith turned demanding when no answer came. She didn't know why but her heart was up in her throat, beating hard and fast and wild and it screamed at her to run. Run away from whatever this was cause it was going to hurt.

"Faith." Tara took a step forward, her hand outstretched.

"Just tell me." Faith stood her feet slightly apart her voice hard, though her eyes watched the long elegant fingers reaching for her and desperately wanted them to finish their journey and land upon her arm.

"It's B-B-B-Buffy." The blonde witch forced herself to look up her broken heart burned in her chest.

The world shifted with just one word, Buffy. Possibly the only thing in Faith's past that she hadn't conquered, the only thing she had never forgiven herself for, nor gotten over, Buffy. The dark Slayer swallowed hard suddenly feeling like she was going to throw up.

"What about Buffy?" Faith's words came with quick breaths that made her head swim.

"She's dead Faith." Tara had no idea how she managed to say it, her mouth felt heavy and stiff her words acidic in her throat.

"Don't fucking play with me Tara!" The sharp angry words blurted out of Faith's mouth before she registered them, her feet moved her backwards in denial, not sure why she thought the blonde would make up this kind of lie but unable to deal with the reality of it.

Tara had to stifle a pained sob, as she watched Faith's bodily reaction to the revelation.

"She's dead Faith." She repeated trying hard to deflect Faith's anger driven words.

Faith had never felt the world go so out of balance. She put her hand out trying to find support on the chair back nearby but it crumbled like her legs under her and she toppled sideways slightly before she righted herself.

"I'm sorry." Tara whispered biting her lip as she watched the dark Slayer fall apart inside, before quickly reassembling the mess and reeling in her reaction. But both Faith and Tara knew that she would fail.

"No!" Faith shook her head, standing on legs that still weren't strong or stable. "No, B is better than that. Nothing can take B down, nothing." She shook her head an edge of hysteria crept into her tone and the flicker of her dark eyes. "She can't be dead..." A hand came up to the dark woman's chest. "How?" She asked again thinking of the last image she had of the blonde, thinking of so many things in an instant.

"I don't know the details, Willow wanted to wait for you." Tara shook her head.

"Buffy..." Faith spoke the name lost as she slid down into one of the chairs and put her head in her hands. Her whole body felt like it was on fire, like she was being dipped into molten lava and every sensation she had was of searing pain.

The blonde witch took a step closer to the crumpled Slayer.

"When?" She looked up her dark eyes slightly flooded with tears though none were given freedom.

"Two weeks ago." Tara replied.

"Fuck." Faith's hands pulled over her forehead, trailing angrily through her hair as they shook. "You should have called me sooner." She looked at the Wicca momentarily angry.

"I didn't know. Willow called you as soon as she got here." Tara fought not to let her own pain bleed through into her words or tone after all Faith was right, she could have been contacted sooner, so should she have been but who did they have to blame for their lack of information? No one but themselves.

"Get Willow up, I want to know exactly what happened." Faith put her head back in her hands trying to keep control. She needed facts, she needed a focus for her anger and pain, a focus that wasn't the woman in the room with her now, even in the dark place that her heart had plummeted too Faith recognized that Tara had not caused any of this.

Snapping out of her slight reverie at the mention of Willow's name, Tara looked up.

"Faith she needs to rest." Tara shook her head thinking of the broken redhead curled up in her bed.

"Fuck resting, I want to know what the hell killed Buffy so I can make it feel more pain than is inhumanly possible." She slammed her hand out smashing though a delicate lamp on the table nearby.

Tara's eyes grew wide as she watched Faith's hand lash out but she breathed in hard feeling a tremor inside as her mind flooded with images she could not possibly let take a hold. She had to stay in control.

"You will know soon enough. She needs to rest." Her voice grew stronger and yet weaker at the same time.

Despite the thousand insults that ran through Faith's raw mind something inside just stopped, taken back once again to the memory of a broken scared woman meeting her anger and hatred with controlled temperance.

"Fine." She stood up as steadily as she could she walked the short distance to one of the wall cabinets and opened it. She didn't even know what bottle she grabbed as she poured out a long tall drink and slammed it down her throat quickly. The sharp burning was almost a soothing sensation in comparison to her curdling insides.

Tara watched unsure of what to say or do. Part of her was amazed that Faith had backed down so quickly, but another part was disheartened to watch her fall back to another coping mechanism that she had leaned to in the past. Though this in turn was hard to scorn, as she knew how much turmoil the other woman was in and knew there was no answer to the pain, no solace or reprieve this time. She couldn't make it untrue no matter how she may want to.

Slowly Faith lowered the glass back to the tabletop. Her usually strong hand growing weak as the thick bottom of the tumbler landed. Her shoulders hunched forward suddenly as despite all her efforts a single moaned thick sob broke out of her body.

Tara's stomach contracted hard as she heard the dark Slayer's sob, she clenched her lips together and fought the burning tears in her eyes.

"Let me hold you Faith, please." She whispered her loving instinct kicking in hard and fast.

The dark Slayer felt herself shake again violently. So unsure of what to do, what she could do? Give in and let the one person who had truly ever given harbor to her cursed soul or focus in on the lesser pain of the scene she'd just witnessed.

"Faith." Tara whispered moving closer still.

"How can she be dead?" Faith turned sobbing again as she sunk down sitting haphazardly with one leg bent beneath her and the other stuck out. "It should be me."

"I don't know angel, I don't know." Tara shook her head honestly. The blonde dropped to her knees and moved her hand to lightly touch Faith's upper arm.

"We both know it should be me." Faith sobbed again coughing as the hard tears raced through draught dry paths in her body.

"No." Tara denied. She couldn't bear to think of that, to think of Buffy shattered her heart, to think of anyone else that way would make her stop functioning. "It shouldn't be either of you, you both should be alive, fighting for good in a world so desperate for a hero." She continued. "There is no should." She concluded.

"I knew it was bad..." Faith pulled her hands into her hair, pulling forcefully. "Just by Red's voice, I knew... but I didn't... couldn't... not Buffy." She started to cry again leaning forward without even thinking into the blonde.

"I know." Tara careful closed her arms around Faith's body loosely though so that the Slayer could easily break free but Faith didn't try to pull away, she couldn't bear too. Everything around her just began to close in, as one thought repeated in her mind.

'Buffy was gone, B was dead.'

Tara eased the bedroom door open very carefully, more than pleased that she had had all the doors re-hung and balanced, so that it moved open without a sound. She felt a little guilty for what she had done to Faith. She thought of the dark Slayer who was in the living room curled up on a chair asleep, after the Wiccan had cast a simple but effective knock out spell but she knew that it had been the right move. The Slayer was physically exhausted and mentally and emotionally in a state of shock. The best thing she could do, was rest until Willow was ready to talk to her.

Tara slipped into the room and pulled the door closed behind her looking straight over to the bed.

"Abi in malam rem, eiecto absisto hades abs tellus." Willow pushed herself onto her back, her dreamscape words coming in a thick breathy tone. "Caedes abs Caedes, animo abs animo. Recidi Receptum Castimonia, Recidi Receptum Castimonia, Recidi Receptum Castimonia." Her arms went out at her sides as her body stretched out taunt towards the ceiling. "And so comes God's wrath to purify." The sleeping figure began to cry softly as she repeated the words.

Tara stood listening, somewhat alarmed by the redhead's unconscious actions and words. She moved towards the bed, chanting her own incantation to clear the room of her serenity spell so that if Willow's dreams distressed her too greatly she could wake up, something that with the spell in place could have been hard.

"Buffy!" Willow screamed suddenly, a sharp piercing pitch to her voice as she felt back into the bed limply.

With Willow's scream Tara hurried to the bed and reached out to her ex-lover.

"Willow." She said her voice clear and precise.

"Is she here?" Willow panted out the words breathless as she woke up trying to shrug the last remnants of the spell from her body.

"Just breathe Willow, take it easy for a moment." Tara urged.

Taking a slow deliberate breath the redhead tried to relax and raised a hand to her slightly sweaty forehead. She tried to push the scenes of the nightmare away. It came every time she closed her eyes, haunting her since the moment she had found the proper text and only hours later had found Buffy's cooling body.

"That's better." The blonde said gently getting up off the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry." Willow whispered trying to still the extreme thumping of her heart within her chest. She put her hand down a bit surprised to find herself partially undressed. A new fear ran into her as memories of the hours before flooded back to her.

Tara pulled open the dresser drawer to her right and took out a clean white T-shirt as she turned back to the bed.

"It's okay." Tara offered the shirt.

'What have you done?' Her mind screamed as she reached up and took the shirt from the blonde.

"Do you have the dreams often?" Tara said awkwardly unsure what else to say.

"Every time I close my eyes." Willow answered softly as she shrugged into the shirt.

"I could do something about that." Tara offered meekly.

"No, it's okay." The hacker shook her head. "I need the clarity to complete the spell." She brushed at her hair with still slightly shaking fingers and then stopped mid movement as she realized what she had said.

"Willow, I was only offering a sleep tonic." Tara went back to the drawer and pulled out a small bottle, she lowered it back into the drawer with a smile that disappeared with Willow's words and movements.

"Maybe later I'll try one." Willow tried to cover up quickly.

"Faith's here." Tara said quietly, deciding not to call Willow on her words. She could hardly believe that things could feel worse between the two of them than they had when the hacker arrived, but at the moment they felt just that.

"Is she?" Willow's eyes went up immediately. "Did you tell her?" Her voice dropped a notch.

"Yes." Tara nodded.

"Funny even with all she did even I don't want to think about how much hearing those three words must have hurt her." Willow looked down again, swinging herself out of bed slightly.

"I'll leave you to get dressed." Tara moved to the door.

"It's fine." Willow stood up. "I mean..." She hesitated. "You don't have to go."

"I think I should." Tara said from the door, her back still turned.

"I'm sorry." Willow's words were very soft, though they hinted to the fact that she was more sorry that she had hurt the blonde then she was for the night before.

"Sorry for what?" Tara turned her head but not her body.

"I'm sorry if last night was something you didn't want." Willow sat back on the bed, feeling and looking very small and broken.

"Willow." Tara turned fully from the door and shook her head. She walked over to the bed. "It's not that simple is it?"

"No." The redhead's curls shook slightly with her head movement. "But I..." She stumbled slightly over her words. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Willow, you didn't force last night to happen." Tara said softly recognizing the hacker's need to hear the words, or at least some similar.

"I know but I didn't think either.' Willow looked up at the blonde feeling ashamed. "I don't want to hurt you, not again."

"Willow, this isn't the time to do this." Tara shook her head and once again backed away slightly. "Everyone is hurting," She paused. "Too much." She added softly.

"Okay." Willow nodded back. "Let me clean up and then I'll go talk to Faith." She looked at the blonde for another brief moment before she stood up.

"I'll go and wake her." Tara nodded. "Help yourself to anything you need." She gestured around the room with her hand.

"Thank you." Willow walked heavily towards the door to the en-suite bathroom.

Tara curled up on the thick purple carpet beside the chair that Faith slept in. She leaned back against the chair and subconsciously let her head loll against the dark Slayer's leg, her skin remembering the cool feel of soft leather instantly. She closed her eyes and breathed in, her senses once more sent reeling by a familiar yet distant memory, just like they had when she had held Willow again after seven long years.

Everything about Faith was still so familiar, her elegance and power not hidden in anyway by the light gray leather that covered her legs or by the tight fitting cotton top. Even the loose fitting leather jacket emphasized the hidden quality to the woman, as did her still wild long black locks and her dark eyes. Everything told you exactly what and who Faith was though Tara knew that really behind all the leather and anger Faith was actually someone very different.

"Tara?" A befuddled voice from behind her caused Tara to open her eyes and turned her head round tilted upwards to look at Faith.

The dark Slayer looked back at her, dark shadows circled her eyes and sorrow drew her skin drawn tight over her cheekbones. The two women sat looking at each other for a long moment each wanting to say something, neither knowing what that something should be.

"Is Willow awake?" Was all Faith could say and Tara nodded.

"I'll go and tell her you are." Tara pushed herself up from the floor and moved quickly to the door.

"Tara." Faith called as she shifted in the chair, the blonde witch stopped and turned. "About earlier, I understand more." She struggled to say something and Tara shook her head.

"It shouldn't have happened." The witch gave the simple response as she slipped out.

Willow pulled the cardigan she'd borrowed out of Tara's closet around herself a bit tighter as she stood before the looming door to the living room. She knew that both the dark Slayer and the witch were already in there. Tara had stopped by into her room long enough to say that they'd be waiting for her and that she had made coffee. In her mind she slotted together bits of information, things that she knew she would have to tell. Things that she knew she needed to keep hidden at least for now. Slowly she pushed on the door and slid into the room.

Tara was sat on the chair framed by the window, the midday sun casting a slight sun aura around her, her legs were tucked up under her body and she cradled her head in her hand gently. Faith in contrast was stood up leaning against the drinks cabinet her back to both the blonde and the door.

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting." Willow walked further into the room and placed the old leather bound tome she carried on one of the small tables before sitting down next to it.

Tara looked up briefly and shook her head gently. Faith neither said anything nor moved, she just pulled the small cupboard open and poured herself a drink.

"I think the best place to start is the beginning." Willow put her hands in her lap trying to find a comfortable place for them. "I don't know if either of you heard the news, the story was picked up here and there but in the early hours of June 9th an unexpected celestial event occurred." She looked briefly to Tara wondering if the blonde had heard about it. Of the two she was the most likely.

"A class three comet." Tara nodded and shifted a little in her chair. "It crashed into the Pacific." She filled in the details as she remembered them.

"Yes, they decided that was what it most likely was." Willow nodded back. "But no actual material was found to have conclusive conclusion." She shifted a bit picking up the book and flipping through the pages.

"Didn't I hear Tara say the ocean, just how do they get material from the sea Red?" Faith was unsure where her anger had suddenly flared from, but it hard and she could not be bothered to temper it right now, she glared at the hacker with anger eyes.

"Submarines." Willow looked up at the Slayer briefly. The dark haired woman snorted and looked down again. "The fact is we now know they could never have found anything because it wasn't a comet..." She opened the book and held up the color tablet of a carving within. "It was this what fell to earth."

The carving was obviously old and weathered by time. The deep grooves in the stone lessened in places but the overall effect remained. Framed in waves of fire was the outline of a creature anyone of them would know but not believe was truly walking among them. Willow looked up at the two of them waiting for someone to break the silence.

"An angel?" Tara gasped her words and tone drawing Faith's attention back to the redhead.

"B was wiped out by a messenger of God?" Faith's bitter harsh words almost stuck in her throat as she snarled them, she could hardly believe that she had said that even in her anger.

"It is not a messenger of God." Willow shook her head. "This is a fallen angel, forsaken by God. If God really has anything to do with this." She added cynically as she closed the book. "Angel's are like any other creature shrouded in legend or fiction. Some are true others are make believe." She stood up awkwardly. "In this case the facts of Heaven, God or anything else existing doesn't matter, the one thing we do know for sure is that angels do."

"The legends involving angels are ancient Willow." Tara watched the hacker's move. "Do you know which we are dealing with?"

"Her name is..." The redhead put her hands up around her body closing her eyes briefly as an image of the creature came into her head. "Anezka." She took a slight breath.

Tara looked up at Willow her breath caught up in her throat.

"Legend tells us she was the Commander of a fire army, one that God used in an ancient war to push the minions of the devil back into hell. As depicted in this carving, she carries in her right hand..." Willow's back was too them as she stretched out her arm repeating the short phrase the Cardinal had provide her. "A sword of hot flame to purify in God's name all that was abomination in his eyes, and in her right, a chunk of earth from the bowels of Hell. For only she, the most holy could walk its forsaken lands with God's word in her heart and his wrath in her hand."

"Forgive me again for being the one to question." Faith glanced between the two witches. "She hardly sounds like the type do what she's done." She couldn't say it again and she took a slug of her drink instead.

"She fell Faith." Tara looked towards the Slayer, her face serious. "Legend has it that after the second of the wars amelioration…." She stood up and crossed to a bookshelf in the corner of the room. She ran her fingers over the texts and pulled out what looked like a modern book. She flicked through the pages and looked up briefly, clearing her throat before reading from the text.

"And so it came to pass that a great uprising from Hell took on the forces of good, focusing on its leader, Anezka, The Pure." Tara ran her finger over the narrow text as she read. "The battle raged on for many, many months in the depths of hell. Until Matchitehew sent by his Lord and master, who saw no end to the engagement, offered the Angel a trade." She stopped reading briefly and looked up.

Willow turned to look nodding that everything she was saying was true and appropriate to what had gone one.

"A trade?" Faith grumbled taking another swig of her drink. Things were getting thick and stagnant with all this information. Especially when all her brain kept telling her was the same thing she'd been told over and over when she was little. Angels were good creatures they didn't kill people.

"Faith, Matchitehew is a demi-demon. Equal in power to an angel. He offered Anezka a trade. He would give her the fight, allow her warriors to return to heaven promising a rest in Hell's activity for a thousand years." Again the blonde witch stopped she knew that Faith was angry but she had to be sure she was listening.

"What did this demondemi want?" Faith leaned back against the cabinet and rubbed at her temple. A little voice in her head screeched about how this meant nothing, was nothing. This thing, Angel, devil, demon, whatever had killed Buffy and it needed to die. She didn't need to know anything more about it, she just needed to enact vengeance, and then the pain would be better.

"Her." Tara replied simply closing the book. "Or rather his lord and master wanted her." She clarified.

"The Devil?" Faith nearly spit out her drink. "First you tell me angels are real and falling out of the fucking sky and now you're trying to tell me Satan himself played a bit part in all this?"

"Malam." Tara clarified with a short nod.

"Well isn't this just fucking beautiful." Faith turned around and poured herself another generous drink.

"Anezka was beautiful." Tara refused to be drawn into Faith's brooding and she continued with her information. "And that's why, with a heart full of passion for her Lord and his people she agreed." She looked at Willow to see how the redhead was fairing.

"With her sacrifice a thousand years of peace in Hell began." Willow filled in a little limply. The retelling of all this, of how this once noble and great creature had given her very existence to save the world made the redhead sad.

Tara put down the book she had in her hand and moved back to her chair carefully watching the dark haired Slayer.

"So this angel..." Faith slightly scoffed at the word. "Gave up her whole pure heart thing to the devil..." She looked at Tara. "Sorry Malam and we got a thousand years of peace. Why the hell did the bitch fall out of the sky and kill Buffy then?"

"Because Faith..." Willow looked up catching eyes with the dark Slayer. "In the year 2000 while the world was busy having fireworks and parties and whatevers..." She took another breath. "Anezka's pact with Matchitehew ended." She looked deep into the Slayer who seemed momentarily to react to the seriousness of the situation and lower her drink. "Those in her following say she was cast out of hell and dragged back to heaven to stand trial before God. That trial lasted nine years until finally God made her admit that in her thousand years of torment she had committed one cardinal sin." She unwrapped her arms from around her body. "When asked by the Matchitehew on the last day of her confinement why it was she had taken his offer, her answer was that she was the only one of God's angels strong enough to undergo this torture."

"So?" Faith blurted out immediately not understanding but also not caring a great deal about the details of the monster's past.

"Pride Faith, one of the seven important ones, Anezka had had one moment of weakness, one thing that had cast her fate without her even knowing it. God could not take her back even if he wanted to, her purity had been defiled by the darkness that surrounded her." Tara said sadly.

This fact however caught the Slayer's attention.

"Wait you're telling me that after a thousand years of getting the shit kicked out of her, this angel got thrown out of heaven cause in one weak moment she forgot to name God first?" That just summed up life from the dark Slayer's viewpoint. She slammed her glass down. "Well though I'm loving this little history lesson I got only one question." She bored her stare into Willow. "Why the hell did she kill Buffy?"

"Because when an angel is cast out of heaven." Willow looked at her not even flinching in the hard glare. "They lose their minds."

Almost in unison with Willow's words, something in Faith's head snapped.

"Oh this is rich." Faith laughed picking up her drink and taking another swig. "Baby you must have really rocked Red's world last night cause now she's trying to tell me a insane angel..." She swallowed down the words that came like acid to her lips. "Is running around." She took another drink not comforted by the slight shake in Tara's hands. "Killing people."

Tara couldn't help but throw a horrified glance in Faith's direction, this was impossibly hard for them all to hear, but she had never expect such a low blow from the dark Slayer no matter how pained she was.

"I need another herbal tea." The blonde stood up shakily and moved to the door unable to cope with the information she was receiving or Faith's bitter attack at her.

"No!" Faith's voice slammed into the room. She had a nice heady feeling from the whiskey she'd been drinking and as it settled inside her some basic facts started to become clear or at least clear to her. "Fuck this angel bullshit, I want to know right now straight up what happened. I don't want crap spouted at me from dusty books and shit, I want to know hard facts. I want to know what this bastard did to B, how the hell it managed to kill her?"

Tara stood stock still, her body trembling slightly. Willow flinched under the heavy words for the first time though if the truth were known it wasn't because of Faith's anger, or the tone of her voice, but only from the sudden visual flash that came up in her mind, a vision so stark that Willow could not speak.

"Well." Faith demanded her eyes burning into Willow. "What the fuck happened Red?" She demanded hard.

Tara felt the world shift, this was all going horribly wrong so very quickly, she felt her heart begin to race and her palms sweat.

"Anezka tore our her heart." Willow said suddenly, though she wasn't even sure how she managed the words. They just tumbled out as she again felt the Slayer's thick blood on her hands as she'd tried to perform CPR on the blonde.

Tara forced herself to breathe in, though for a moment it just didn't work.

Faith's hand went limp as the glass slipped out of her fingers and landed with a heavy thud on the carpet.

"What?" Faith's voice came out in a tiny squeak.

"Buffy went to the north forest to take down some of her followers." Willow felt her entire body go ice cold as she retold the outline for that night. "It was a trap, Anezka was waiting for her. They battled for about twenty five minutes but no matter what Buffy did she couldn't bring her down." She knew her breathing was low and shallow and the edges of the world were getting dark and ruffling in towards the center.

"Buffy got too tired, too injured..." She shifted the stance of her legs slightly as one of her knees buckled just slightly. "Anezka just reached in and..." She couldn't finish the sentence if she wanted to stay conscious and her mind fought to control things. "When I reached the forest, reached her I tried to bring her back...." Her whole body began to shake. "I tried, I tried but..." She looked down at her hands. "She was already cold."

Tara reached out her hand and steadied herself on the wall as Willow gave the details, not being able to stop the images filling her mind of what horror her old lover must have had to live through. She wanted to reach out and lend her support to the redhead, but she couldn't move. The wall was her only stronghold, the only thing she could touch and feel was real and she dare not let it go.

Faith watched every word as it came out on shaky breaths. She watched every breath the hacker took but she just couldn't believe the words. She couldn't let herself see the image, she couldn't.

Tara's stomach turned over at the thought of the horror, and she realized with both alarm and horror that she was going to lose the fight against her body to keep down the one cup of tea she had managed to drink.

"I'm sorry." She breathed in a whisper before rushing to the door pulling it open and running down the corridor to the bathroom.

She wasn't sure how, but somehow her legs managed to get her safely to the toilet and painfully her stomach emptied itself of everything she had ingested over the last day. She wretched for long moments as her stomach constricted until it ached, but at least stopped the painfully clenching.

A loud thunderous crash sounded in the hall behind Tara. Somewhat muffled by the internal doors of the house. Reaching up blindly for the flush Tara pulled it and hauled herself off her knees pulling herself off the metal handle she more or less threw herself at the door and out into the corridor.

"YOU LET HER DIE!" Faith closed her fingers tighter around the hacker's throat as she slid Willow further up the wall and further away from the floor. Willow couldn't even speak to object as she felt the band of pain at her throat make it hard to even see straight.

Tara hurried down the hall back to the living room, and stood at the door. It took her brain a moment to register what her eyes saw and even then her mouth and body seem to ignore any of her pushing to help.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE HER!" Faith screamed again not even seeing the body of the small woman she held in a deathly choke. All she saw was Buffy, flashes of the blonde in her memory: smiling, laughing, crying, anything other than dead with her heart ripped out of her chest.

"Faith." Tara cried though the word was little more than a whisper from her painful throat.

"Did she tell you?" Faith eased the pressure at Willow's throat just slightly. "Did she tell you that she had the spell to save her?"

Out of desperation and self-preservation, Willow soundlessly whispered the short passage and drove her hands into Faith's body with as much force as she could find.

Instantly Faith was driven back across the room by a hot angry bolt of magic, sending her into the drinks cabinet that shook under her weight, several of the bottles breaking and filling the area with glass.

"Stop it!" Tara held up her hands as she watched glass shower down over the dark Slayer and the carpet. She stared at Willow hard. "What is she talking about?" She added keeping her gaze solid.

Willow rubbed at her throat having sunk down to her knees trying to get air into her burning lungs.

"We didn't know it was the right spell until after she'd left." Willow croaked out the words. "That's why I went to the forest... to do the damn spell."

"But if you didn't get to try it, you don't know it's the right spell." Tara tried to stay logical trying to focus on something, anything.

"It has to be the right spell." Willow sank back leaning her back against the wall. "Or the whole world is lost."

"This is all ridiculous." Faith barked as she pulled herself out of the rubble. "I've heard enough." She brushed herself off hastily.

"What do you mean?" Tara looked at the dark haired woman.

"You talk spells and angels and devils and all the other crap you want. I'm going down to the wharf right now and in the morning we are all getting on a fucking plane going back there and I am going to feed this bitch demon angel whatever her heart for dinner." Faith was unable to meet Tara's eyes.

"Faith, you don't have to go to the wharf." Tara shook her head as she looked at the Slayer.

"What I'm supposed to stay here? Listen to Red make excuses when really the only reason Buffy is dead is because she didn't do her job." Faith cast an accusing finger at the hacker.

"You know what Faith." Willow took a scratchy breath as she stood up. "If you want to blame me, go ahead and blame me cause you know what it doesn't matter to me what you think." She took a couple of steps closer. "I'm the one who lives with the fact every second, every nanosecond that if I had of gotten the spell and gotten to her five minutes sooner she'd be here right now." She stopped her approach not wanting to take on the Slayer again physically if only for Tara's sake.

"Yeah well that's your trade mark full stop ain't it Red?" Faith grabbed her jacket from the chair it laid on.

"What?" Willow watched her and questioned the point.

"Not actually being there when it matters." Faith pushed her hand into the sleeve of the leather and pulled it on.

"Fuck you Faith." Willow spat the words at the dark haired woman.

"I suppose I should be thankful that it was me looking out for Tara when it mattered." Faith stalked up to the redhead and stared at her. "Cause five minutes is a hell of a long time when you're bleeding to death." She snarled as Willow just stood toe to toe with her, her insides quivering from the hurtful words. Faith snorted and pushed past her forcefully to move out into the hall.

Tara couldn't make her mouth say anything as the dark haired Slayer took swift long paces to the front door.

"Call me with flight details." She called to the blonde as she wrenched open the door. "And you." She glared at Willow. "Stay the fuck out of my way."

"Faith..." Willow turned her eyes blazing. "Whether you like it or not I am the only person who can kill Anezka. So this time it's you who do what I say and stay the fuck out of my way." She turned the words back on the Slayer.

Faith stood for a moment, Tara prayed that she would just leave, she needed to calm down, but to her dismay the Slayer turned and walked slowly back down the corridor and once again moved nose to nose with the redhead.

"The day I take this kind of shit from you is the day I know I am getting too old for all this. You're a waste of space Red, you always were. She's the only reason you're still standing right now." Faith gestured momentarily towards Tara.

"I am not the little girl you once knew." Willow's voice took on a deep eerie quality as her eyes went pure black and she floated slightly off the ground her hair slightly waving in a wind like movement. "And while age makes you weaker, I grow stronger."

If she was being honest Faith would have admitted she was impressed, but Faith wasn't admitting anything right now, she was sore and broken and disillusioned.

"Something I am sure Buffy would agree with." She seethed before turning and slipping out of the tension filled apartment.

Willow felt all the adrenaline from their stand off fading as she heard the door slam closed. She lowered herself down and leaned forward coughed loudly into her hand, a sheer film of red coming out to coat her skin.

"Willow." All of Tara's confusion and bewilderment dissolved at the sound and sight of Willow in pain, her eyes grew wide as the redhead drew herself together worried both by the display of anger and by the resting effect on her health.

"I should never have come." Willow leant forward completely lowering herself to the ground against one of the chairs.

Tara reached for the box of tissues on the table nearby and handed one to the other woman. Willow nodded her thanks as she took it and wiped at her hand and lips.

"You had to come." She said softly.

"You do believe me?" She looked up lost and aching inside. "I didn't know it was the spell until it was too late."

"Of course I believe you, and Faith didn't mean all those things she said." Tara reassured the redhead unable to see her ex-lover in so much pain.

"Yes, she did." Willow smiled sadly. "And she was right."

"She was angry Willow." Tara began to make a reason for the Slayer's behavior. "And she wasn't right."

"I wasn't there to save you Tara." Willow shook her head looking down. "She was."

"You know about that?" Tara was momentarily stunned blinded by thoughts, and vision. She had thought Willow had at least been spared, she had to take a step back almost tripping over her own foot in the process.

"You'd lost your brother, your father, your whole world." The redhead's face was firmly planted downwards. "All I did was make things worse when you needed me most. I can't blame her for being there to help you realize that you could go on and become so much."

Tara took a quick breath and caught up quickly to Willow's viewpoint realizing that her own mind had cross-referenced with things that Willow thankfully didn't know.

"Like I said Faith was just angry." Tara hurriedly tried to brush over any overreaction that Willow might pick up on.

"I think maybe I need to lie down for a bit." Willow coughed again, feeling the ache inside her settling to a steady pace.

"Willow." The blonde witch moved to help her, her voice was somber and deeply serious as she cupped Willow's elbow and guided her down the hall.

"Yes?" Willow let the blonde guide her, relieved for the strong support.

"When did you start dabbling in dark magicks?" The blonde's words were carefully chosen not to condemn nor judge, just as inquiry.

"It's come in very handy a few times helping Buffy." Willow tried to fill in some information that she was holding back tore her soul up more than anything. "And I need to be stronger with it in order to destroy Anezka."

"Willow, you know the consequences of dark magicks...." Her voice drifted off with Willow's second admission. "What have you done?" She added pulling her hand away both to open the bedroom door and in almost horror.

"I haven't done anything Tara." Willow shook her head. "No pacts with demons, devils or anything else. Just harnessing spells to focus my power."

"And this." Tara tugged the blood stained tissue from the hacker's lightly clenched hand. "This is my imagination too?" She demanded a slight edge of hysteria entering her voice.

"This is the after effect of smoke inhalation." Willow looked briefly down at the tissue then up at Tara's upset eyes. "Faith choking didn't help it much. In one of Anezka's early attacks I was trapped in a forest fire."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to help." Tara apologized, instantly humbled slightly.

"It's not your fault." Willow shook her head as she reached up and touched the blonde's shoulder. "It's only a little bit of damage, makes me remember even witches aren't fire proof."

Tara wanted to laugh but couldn't, instead she just nodded and pushed the door open to the bedroom, letting the other woman past her before following in silence.

Tara watched the 'fasten your seatbelt' logo flash on and off for long moments as over the speaker system the pilot rambled off the age-old list of safety procedures. She couldn't bring her self to look either left or right. She didn't want to see Willow or Faith's faces, didn't want to be reminded that they were all as lost as one another. She ran her hands over her thighs lightly fingering the soft embroidered pattern on her skirt. She was feeling chilly and wished she had chosen to put a sweater in her hand luggage.

"Do you need anything?" A voice called to her from beside her almost as if sensing her discomfort. The quiet almost fragile voice belonged to Willow, who turned from looking out of the window at the tarmac.

"No." Tara replied gently dragging her eyes away from the flashing light to look at Willow. Dressed in the clothes that she had arrived at Tara's in, which the witch had cleaned and pressed for her, the hacker looked sad and empty as she cradled a book in her lap. "What you reading?"

Willow flicked the book over and showed the witch the title.

"It's a complex romancey thing," Willow explained. "Dawn told me to read it, she thought I would like it. I started it ages ago..." The hacker's voice trailed off.

Tara nodded not really knowing what to say. She gave a quick glance over to her left and saw that faith was pushed back as far into the seat as she could be, mini earphones in her ears and a mp3 player hooked to the thick black belt that held up her jeans, her eyes tightly closed. Tara looked away again.

"Are you sure you want to come?" Willow asked looking down into her book.

"I have to come." Tara replied without a breath, she lurched forward ever so slightly as the plane began its high-speed race down the runway. "There is no question."

Willow remained silent for a moment as the plane began its ascent into the sky, her head still buried in her book.

"I have a sweater in my carry on." She said softly glancing up at Tara through sad but distinctly loving eyes.

Tara instantly wanted to cry. How was it that after all this time, all this pain and separation, Willow could still read her like a book and know exactly what she needed?

"Thank you." She breathed desperately wanting to reach out and closer her hand over Willow's that sat only millimeters form her own. "I might steal it later." She added once again looking up at the no longer flashing red light, letting the world melt away for a moment at least.

No one has said much when the airport taxi had dropped them off on the curb and speeded off as soon as Faith had freed their small amount of luggage from the trunk. The hacker had been surprised when silence had remained even when she'd pointed towards the large house that loomed behind a strong iron gate just in from the sidewalk. Even in her surprise she'd just stood there with them taking in the high peaks of the house's dark roof, and ivy covered brick walls that almost completely masked the dark burgundy color of the house.

Finally moving, Willow took the lead as she pushed their way through the old iron but well oiled gate onto the worn gray broad stone path that meandered through the front garden to the white oak front porch. The stairs to the windowless door framed in strong stone columns that would have looked slightly out of place if it were not for the fact that the creepy broad-leafed ivy had covered them as well. Slight outcrops of grass and over grown flower bushes pushed over the sides of the walk by design and not neglect.

It made the hacker smile momentarily to think of the hours Buffy had devoted to her sudden obsessional love of gardening when they had first moved in. When the Slayer had finally stopped her days of painstaking work it had pretty much looked the same as it had the day they'd signed ownership on the historic house, a fact that had amused Dawn and Willow to no end. But in times of peril and worry it had brought the blonde much needed release and Willow knew in her heart and soul she would never be able to change the layout.

She led them up onto the wooden porch, the raised floorboards beneath their feet groaning slightly. The afternoon sun bathing the railings in a soft warm light as the air was filled with the soft melodies of a series of wooden and metallic chimes hung off the overhead awning.

Three cathedral windows dominated the front wall, filled in with colorful stained glass portraits. The expensive addition were an accessory that Willow had installed their second year in the house after a particularly good quarter at Dolphin. The motif of crosses, stakes, and magic symbols provided both a decorative appeal and hidden protection spell.

Silently she crossed over the wide porch to the front door, not able to look at the worn seat on the wicker bench that sat against the porch railing. It was a sanctuary of sorts, a place where she'd spent countless hours with the blonde enjoying the sunset before patrol. Heavily she pulled her key from her pocket and slid it into the large iron lock in the door handle.

She knew what to expect as she swung the door open, knew that she would be greeted by the familiar smell of home. The only problem was that as it washed over her she was reminded again the horror that she was facing. It wasn't home, home was with Buffy and Buffy was dead.

"There's a guest room at the back that is close to the back entrance." She dropped her laptop case on a long iron bench just within the doorway. "I'm sure that will suit your needs best Faith." She looked briefly to the dark Slayer whose eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses. "The loft room gets the most natural light Tara." She looked to the blonde who followed in last and closed the door.

"Yeah, I like exits." Faith took a few more steps into the long wide hall. She briefly looked at the walls to be met by a myriad of pictures, sighting one with Buffy she looked down at the carefully sanded and stained floor.

"Which room's yours?" Tara asked almost timidly.

"I'm on the second floor, just under you." Willow smiled and pointed up the stairs. "All our rooms are there." She added her mouth curling down into a frown. "Though Dawn keeps most of her things at the university." She added trying to break the tension.

"Is it okay if I take my bag straight up?" The blonde witch continued shifting the placement of her rucksack on her shoulder. The reasonably large multicolored cloth bag suddenly felt heavy to Tara. After all it bad been a long day, and if she was honest she was ready for a rest.

"Here let me show you." Willow took a step towards the dark oak stairs that were covered in the center with a band of thick reddish carpet. "Faith, yours is through the kitchen, second door on the left by the table."

"Five by five." Faith nodded secretly glad that the hacker had given her such an easy way out of this tense situation, with her bag slung over her shoulder she went off towards the door.

"It's a beautiful house Willow." Tara said gently as she looked at the redhead to make the first move.

"It took a lot of work." Willow watched Faith move off and then motioned up the stairs as she started to lead.

"I can imagine. When did you buy it?" She asked, glancing at the numerous photographs and pictures on the walls. She tried hard not to think about the fact that one of the people in them was no longer alive.

"About four years ago." Willow led her around the second floor landing, the motif of wooden walls and pictures carried on here from the main entrance. The door to the main bathroom was off to the left, showing a dark navy motif had been used to decorate it along with shiny metallic sliver.

Dawn's room sat open and welcoming directly across from the stairs. Remnants of high school life still clinging to the walls and stuffed animals still littering the bed. A little different from the decorations in the rest of the house it was bright and floral. Sheer white billowing curtains extending from the large open framed window over the bed in a canopy effect while the walls were bathed in peach and white flowers.

Willow's room too was open, off slightly to the right as they turned and made their way around the landing. Inside it was in slight disarray. The double doors of the closet were thrown open and clothes almost covered the muted reds and greens of the patchwork carpet. A large sleigh bed in dark mahogany dominated the slight alcove carved in around a chimney for a fireplace somewhere on the first floor. The high boy dresser and low night tables were in the same wood as the bed, which itself was perfectly made up in crisp purple paisley sheets and topped with a dark orchid velour blanket.

One door remained solidly closed, and neither Tara nor the redhead let their eyes linger on that one.

"It's up here." Willow went around the smaller set of oak stairs that spiraled up into the ceiling.

"Great." Tara nodded following a little distracted as she took in the new environment. "I love being at the top of the world."

"It's got a great view of the night sky, we had a skylight put in on the back roof of the house." The redhead emerged into the tall ceiling loft of the old house. Moving directly over to the wall she flicked a switch to release the internal shutter on the skylight.

The room was done ceiling and floor in bright white pine. The internal beams of the house left untouched and splendid in their natural state of ageing. The bed was large, done in the same wood as the walls and floor, all of its linen and multiple pillows in the purest whites. It was framed by two low tables, and at its foot was a large flat-topped chest. Small ornate glass lamps filled out the small tables.

"Did you teach Dawn all the things I taught you about the stars?" Tara followed and looked around suitably impressed with it.

"Yeah." Willow nodded smiling at the memories of the two of them under the stars. "She didn't buy the stack o'crackers formation though."

"I did tell you that was stretching it." The blonde laughed softly as she recalled the moment with complete clarity.

"Hey she liked the moose in the bathtub." Willow laughed lightly. "Um... well..." She looked around, as suddenly there seem nothing to say. "There's towels and extra blankets in the chest." She pointed to the end of the large puffy bed.

"It's a lovely room Willow, thank you." Tara knew when her old lover was fighting to keep everything light and cheery, carefully she moved over to the bed and lowered her bag carefully to the floor by the foot of it.

"There is a small bathroom through there." She pointed to a tiny thin door in the corner. "But you're more than welcome to use the main floor bathroom if you're feeling claustrophobic." She moved back towards the stairs.

"Did you manage to reach Dawn from the airport?" Tara asked bending down to undo the straps on the bag.

"Her summer class has a lab she can't miss but she'll be in tonight for dinner." Willow rested her hands on the iron balcony that was placed near the stairs. "If there's anything else you need, just let me know."

Making short work of the two buckles, Tara flipped the rainbow-colored flap of material open and pulled out a small incense burner.

"Do you mind?" She asked pointing to the bedside table with it. Astonishingly enough, the small clay burner she had chosen to bring was white.

"No, of course not." Willow shook her head. "Do whatever you need to too feel at home." She looked around at the slightly sparse room. "Buffy made me promise we'd keep at least one room witchy low key." She was warmed by the memory for a moment before the words burned in her throat.

"I hope you don't mean this one." Tara smiled gently. "It's just brimming with witchyness."

"She had no idea the power of pine and white." The redhead looked up slowly. "The library..." She looked down the stairs. "A.K.A the cauldron room as Dawn calls it, is just over the garage through the back hallway near the kitchen. I can give you the full tour later." She looked back up at Tara unable to believe how shattered she felt. "If you need anything, a place to cast or meditate help yourself." She closed her eyes briefly.

"I noticed a photograph on the wall, as we came up, when did Xander and Anya have a second?" Tara asked wanting, no needing to keep everything as light as she could. She could see that the hacker was tired, but she also needed to find some place for herself in the suddenly alien world.

"Oh little Lewis." Willow smiled genuinely.

"A boy, oh Goddess what has the world let its self in for? A mini Xander." Tara pulled a few small bottles out of her bag and placed them on the table with the burner. She laughed and looked up from her arranging.

"He'll be two in September and I swear he couldn't be more like Xander if he'd spit him out himself." The hacker laughed. "Right now he spends his time trying to look up women's skirts so we know he's definitely Xander's." For a moment the room rang with the bright laughter of both women, the fact that Xander and Anya were so happy, living a 'normal' life, with two cheerful and no doubt bright children briefly made all the hardships easier to bear.

"How is Anya with them?" Tara asked genuinely interested. She had always suspected the former demon would make brilliant, if unconventional mother.

"She's..." Willow racked her brain for the right word. "She's Anya." She smiled. "But completely and utterly devoted and loving."

"And I bet Xander is just Xander with them." Tara thought fondly of the dark haired man, with his quick smile and easy wit.

'It's been too long since you saw them Tare.' She chastised herself lightly, though she knew the internal reprimand had been fair, it had been too long, far too long as Anya had managed to have a second child and she didn't even know about it.

Tara wondered if Willow knew about the last time Tara had seen Xander, whether her had ever told her about his trip to visit her the April after her father had died. Joy was just three weeks old, and he had appeared on the doorsteps with boxes of photographs and a hundred stories to tell.

Tara had listened to each and every story with eager ears and a heart full of love and Xander had insisted on her keeping a huge pile of photographs, one of which had become her prized possession.

"Just how many pictures are there Xander?" Tara grinned at the ten photograph boxes that the young man had put on the floor in a wide circle. He looked up from the middle of the spread and shrugged.

"Two hundred or so I guess." He said with a light shrug, "Though some of them are just pictures of my ever increasing carpentry skills. I made her cradle, her high chair, most of her things actually." He explained proudly.

"Well don't keep me in suspense then, let me see." Tara leaned back against the nearest chair and smiled. Xander picked up the nearest packet and opened them.

"Oh these are good, these show my carpentry." He enthused handing the twenty-four glossy prints over to the blonde haired witch.

Tara flicked through them carefully and had to admit to being impressed with the woodwork skills that were on show. Every so often there was a photograph showing a pregnant Anya, usually scowling at something, but in a very loving way. Tara let her smile grow wide with fond memories.

"And these are the nursery." Xander handed the next packet over. Again Tara looked at them carefully.

"More nursery, carpentry oh and Christmas at the Harris household." Xander handed two more packets over.

"Anya looks a little overwhelmed." Tara held up a picture that showed a pregnant Anya holding tightly to a tray that held the largest turkey she had seen for a long time, beside stood Buffy wearing a manic grin, holding a glass of wine. Dawn was facing away from the camera preparing something on the work surface. The expression on the former demon's face was one of pure fear.

"I think the whole 'doing' Christmas was a bit much when she was six months pregnant, but she wouldn't be talked out of it." Xander explained. "Everyone kinda chipped in and helped. These are New Year, we had the party at Buffy's." He handed over another packet.

It was only as Tara began looking through the ninth packet of photographs that she became suspicious, there had been pictures of everyone, Anya, Buffy, Dawn, Giles, Xander, even Riley had crept into a few. Xander explained he had briefly returned to Sunnydale, but there was not one of Willow. Particularly odd considering she was Xander's best friend.

"She's got the strongest grip in the world." Xander enthused, by now he had moved up along side of the blonde and was pointing proudly at the pictures of his daughter. Who was it had to be said, was more that cute.

Tara decided to say nothing about the 'Willow absence' until they had looked through each and every photograph that the dark haired man had brought.

"She's beautiful Xander, you must be very proud." Tara said her voice full of affection.

"She is beautiful, just like her mother." Xander nodded as he tided away the pictures.

"I've got to ask something though." She looked at him through soft blue eyes.

"Anything I can ask any fatherly questions, as longs as its not about rashes, or changing diapers, I mean I do those things, but I don't talk about them." He gave Tara a Xander smile.

"It's not about those things." She laughed, "What does Willow think of her?" She spoke her old lover's name softly.

"Willow…" Xander's face fell slightly and he looked around quickly.

Noticing his sudden discomfort Tara placed her hand on his arm.

"Yes Willow, you can say her name, you can talk about her." She echoed. "Xander come on, I have just looked at two hundred photographs spanning the last year in the lives of the Scoobies and Willow wasn't in one of them. Her best friend has just had his first child, and you are expecting me to believe that Will's not completely over the top about it?"

Xander sat back and barked out a short laugh, shaking his head. He moved back over to his bag and pulled out a thick wallet.

"Anya said it would be a good idea to take them all out." He explained as he flipped open the folder. "I thought for An it was a pretty human kinda idea." He said with a shrug, handing over a thick collection of photographs to the blonde witch.

Tara smiled softly and took the photographs looking carefully through them at the shots showing the redhead, her eyes filling up with sad and yet happy tears as she did. Then as she looked through the pictures her heart stopped. She pulled the photograph that she had just found out from the pack and looked at it on its own for a long moment.

She looked at the small rectangle of paper and felt her heart melt. It showed Willow, dressed in a pale blue sweater with zigzags of gray, white and dark blue flashing across it and dark jeans. She sat on a chair and cradled lightly in her arm was Joy. Dressed in a lemon romper suit covered with little animals, the small baby had Willow's little finger in a tight grip, and the redhead's head was bent down low, on it's way to kiss the perfect little pink digits.

Tara traced her finger over Willows red curls for a long moment before finally remembering that she had more pictures to look at. As she looked up she saw that Xander was looking at her.

"Keep it." He said, nodding his head forward to the photograph Tara held onto. "I have a huge pile for you anyway, one more one hurt."

"No, no Xander I couldn't." Tara shook her head and moved the photograph back to join the pile on the floor she had already looked at. The dark haired young man leaned forward and closed his hand over Tara's that still held the picture.

"Keep it." He stressed.

Tara looked up and drew the picture back to her body. She looked up at Xander through tear filled blue eyes.

"Thank you." She whispered. "Thank you."

"Yes, it's his best excuse to keep reading comic books and going to the Zoo." The redhead smiled with the thoughts of her best friend.

"What? Oh yes. Tara clicked back into reality. "Joy must be what, six now?" She asked dragging herself to the present she turned her attention back to the collection she had put on the small table.

"Yes, and stunning just like her mother." Willow ran her hand over the railing. It was so sad to think the last time she'd seen them had been to put Buffy into the cold unforgiving ground.

"I always knew you had a thing for her." Tara teased gently not missing the slight shadow that had briefly fallen over the hackers face.

"Me?" Willow laughed not expecting the teasing. "You were always stressing that we should give her a chance." She gave an exaggerated wink.

Tara let herself sink onto the side of the bed as her face fell a little as he mind had worked out what it might have been that caused her old lover's face to fall.

"Did they come..." The blonde witch began but her voice trailed off.

"They left the kids with some friends." Willow gripped the railing a little tighter. "They came as soon as I called, Xander drove all day to get here."

Tara was suddenly filled once more with the empty ache she had hoped she had left behind in Halifax, the one that reminded her that she hadn't been there, hadn't said her goodbyes to the Slayer, hadn't been there to hold and comfort the most precious thing in her life. But she had been foolish to even begin to contemplate that that element of pain would be gone when she came to Sunnydale, logic demanded it would only be made worse. Here she would be surrounded by the fact that she hadn't been here when it mattered, enveloped by the facts of her failure.

"I know there is a lot to face with Anezka..." Willow made her fingers release the death grip she had on the railing as she watched the tortured look developing on Tara's face. "But if you would like to go to the..." She felt her voice go down to a whisper. "Grave, I can take you whenever you like."

The blonde witch looked up as she realized what Willow was offering.

"Thank you Willow." Tara said with heartfelt gratitude. "We'll see." She added with a slight nod.

The two women stood in silence for a long moment unsure of what to say or do. Tara knew what part of her wanted to do was pull Willow back into the room and just hold her, seeking comfort and forgiveness, but another part of her wanted the hacker to leave, wondering, hoping in fact, that it might ease the terrible hurting inside.

And as for Willow, well the redhead's mind and body were no more agreed on an action than Tara's. In some ways she felt terribly confused, she had almost expected things to feel different, better with Tara here, but for some reason they didn't.

"Why don't I let you rest for a bit?" Willow took one step downstairs deciding to break the stalemate in their emotions. "I'll check that Faith is settled and then we can all get do a bit of catch up after the flight."

Tara decided that if Willow could be brave and pull herself together then the least she could do was do likewise.

"Yes, don't let me keep you from Willow things, getting some of your own clothes on for a start." She tried to rekindle her smile.

"No worries." Willow did smile unable to help the warmth that the blonde's concern kindled inside her. "Do you want tea brought up later?"

"That would be great, thank you." Tara nodded softly once more bending down to release the buckles on her shoes.

"My pleasure." Willow nodded and began to turn down the stairs.

"Is she here, did she come?" The ten times Dawn that had practiced saying that on the way home from lab had all sounded calmer, more precise, more controlled, but now as she pushed open the door to the small study at the front of the house her controlled practiced voice disappeared.

As she'd approached the house, tucking her shiny red convertible into driveway behind Willow's jeep she'd seen the small round spider web windows of the study were illuminated and she knew immediately that was where the hacker would be. Though at the same time it had made her wonder if in fact all her excitement, and apprehension had been necessary, after all if the people she had been expecting come back with Willow had come then why wasn't she with them? But Willow had said at the airport that they'd arrived safely.

'They'd!' Dawn's subconscious stressed, but what if the 'they' had decided that a hotel was a more appropriate place to stay? These thoughts had made Dawn even more nervous, which is why, she decided her well-practiced line had come out so messed.

The younger woman tucked her hair behind her ears and then slouched on the doorframe in casual effect, a small splinter of wood catching in the shoulder of her denim jacket as she did so.

"Hello Dawn." Willow looked up from the laptop slowly. "She's upstairs in the loft, you can bring her some herbal if you like."

"You put Faith in the loft?" Dawn frowned and pushed off from the doorframe.

"No, I put Tara in the loft." Willow raised an eyebrow at her. "Faith is in the back room."

"So she came then?" Dawn went back to her initial line of inquiry.

"Yes, she came." Willow looked down and shuffled some papers around. "Come in and close the door please." She looked up again and motioned softly.

The young woman hesitated for a moment but then moved into the small room drawing the door closed behind her. She wasn't really in the right frame of mind to have a one on one with Willow right now. The thought that Faith and Tara were in the house, set her mind whirling, the last thing she wanted was a 'chat' with Willow, especially as recently communication between them was less than perfect. Dawn eased herself further into the cramped space.

The study was a dark place and mostly only used by the hacker. Buffy had briefly attempted to use the room, but over time even she had abandoned the idea. It was a small room, made smaller by the bookcases that lined the walls and long desk in the middle of it. Tall-backed worn leather chairs filled out the rest of the space making movement deliberate and hard. The only natural lighting in the room came from a line of three small circular windows near the ceiling above the desk. Black-leading etched through the clear glass to create a spider web weave that cut the small amount of light into geometric patterns that shadowed the room.

"What's up?" She asked finding a place to settle, not quite ever meeting Willow's eye.

"Dawn, I don't know how much you remember about Faith but..." Willow put her hands on the desk. "I need you to keep a distance from her."

"What? Why?" Dawn frowned crossed her arms over her chest and stared at a pile of paper on the narrow desk feeling her hackles begin to rise.

"Because she is unpredictable." Willow furrowed her brow Dawn's body language and short retort told her that this was going to be a bad conversation.

"You mean you don't like her." Dawn interpreted with a heavy sigh.

"She's dangerous." Willow underlined.

"I talked to Xander about her, he didn't say she was dangerous." Dawn argued back suddenly feeling about fourteen again and like she was arguing with Buffy, except this wasn't with Buffy and she wasn't a kid anymore.

"Dawn, I just want you to be careful." Willow stood up and circled the desk. She sat down softly in the chair next to the young woman. "You are so precious to me, I just want to protect you."

"Tara trusts her, why don't you?" Dawn glanced up at the redhead letting her voice drop its accusing tone.

"I trust her with certain things Dawn." Willow sat back sighing. "I do not trust her with you." She held the woman's eye.

"Buffy trusted her to look after Tara, and I didn't hear you complaining any then." Dawn replied holding Willow's look. She knew her words were harsh and accusatory but she couldn't help it, sometimes she felt like Willow wanted to save her from the world, and she couldn't, no one could do that.

It reminded her horribly of her life during her early teens, when the world turned kind of crazy for a long time and everyone had become so obsessive about her but it hadn't stopped the bad stuff from happening, it hadn't stopped her mother from dying. This was just like that, Willow was trying so hard to protect her, but the bad stuff had happened all the same.

"Tara wasn't mine to make decisions about then Dawn." Willow hated to face this now but she was being given no choice. "You are my family." She leaned forward.

The dull aching in Dawns heart suddenly flared with an intensity that destroyed her mind and thoughts.

"I don't have a family, they're all dead." Dawn snapped her head and body backwards suddenly angry at Willow, Buffy, all of them. "My mother's dead, my father might as well be dead, Buffy's dead, they're all dead, all gone. I don't have a family anymore." An edge of hysteria crept into the young woman's voice.

"Damn it Dawn, I might not be a blood relative..." Willow hated the fact that one of the emotions Dawn's outburst thrust forward was anger. She couldn't help it as this was a root in an age-old argument about loss and family. She hated the fact that she almost felt guilty that her parents were both still alive and well. The hacker stood up and paced away towards the bookshelf. "I am family, I have always been family."

Dawn drew in a staggered breath she really honestly and truthfully didn't want to argue with Willow. It was all they did recently that and work in a calm and professional manner with each other.

"I have tea to make." She said, refusing to look at the hacker as she moved back over to the door. Willow felt tears of anguish building up inside her.

"Please Dawn, I'm sorry." She said as she rested her head against the wood of the shelf.

The hacker's simple words were enough to light the touch paper on Dawn's millimeter long fuse. She had had enough of this, enough of generic apologies that said nothing, meant nothing.

"Sorry for what?" Dawn whirled round and shook her head.

Willow instantly realized the reaction her statement had caused and she deliberately softened her tone to a point of complete compassion, devoid of all trace of antagonism and challenge.

"I'm sorry if you don't understand what I'm trying to do, if you don't understand that I'm just trying to protect you." She looked up her eyes watery.

Dawn looked over at Willow and felt something inside give just a little, perhaps it was the tears in the sad green eyes, or the tone of complete and utter love she had used. She wasn't sure what it was but something made the fuse peter out and die the explosion diverted.

"I do understand." Dawn whispered. "I just never asked you to do it." She added putting her hand on the door handle.

"Dawn, family doesn't ask." She gave a slight smile.

"I want to see Tara if that's okay." Dawn gave a sigh, as she stood unmoving by the door.

Willow nodded and without further word the young woman slipped out of the room and off towards the kitchen.

The guest bedroom was both practical and comfortable, with a small hand basin and wash unit in one corner opposite the door and a pull out couch bed rested against the wall close to it. The long outside wall held a tall dresser, a small bedside table and then a large double bed before a matching small table and dresser flanked the other side. The door interrupted the short internal wall and against it was an over sized armchair. In the middle of the back wall beneath the enormous wide window that over looked the back garden was a unit that housed a stereo, television and VCR. It held everything anyone would need to shut themselves away.

All the furnishing were in shade of beige or cream, obviously every care had been taken to make the room as neutral and unobjectionable as possible.

To Faith however, it was just a room, she didn't much care for what it looked like, what decorative style had been applied to it. All she really cared about was that is gave her a place to sleep and be on her own if she wanted to be and this did, there was lots of both space and light, which suited Faith just fine.

What she didn't want to think about was just how right it was, because that would lead her to think of why it was so right, and that would lead her to Buffy, who she had no doubt had helped choose the right position and color for things. Right now if the dark Slayer was to find anything that even remotely resembled peace she couldn't be thinking about Buffy. She needed to focus on the future and not the past, and that meant on destroying Anezka.

But to do that Faith knew that she had to find a balance within herself, a balance that she had lost that morning when Tara had shared the news with her. Right now she had to fight through her confusion and pain and find equilibrium, there would be a time to mourn and grieve over Buffy, but now was not it. Now demanded a Slayer and a Slayer is what she had to be.

When all her gear was stowed and Faith had changed into a clean set of clothes, she let herself think a little about what she should do, what her plan of action could and indeed should be. What she needed was answers and details, and at the moment she didn't have much of either.

A slight noise from the kitchen forced the dark Slayer into a quick decision, she might as well catch Willow now and quiz her about a few things. Faith strode to the door and pulled it open.

"Red…" She began instantly as she looked up to the figure who was reaching to pull a cup out of the top cupboard. The individual lowered the cup to the top and turned. "Dawn." She corrected herself, instantly feeling the adrenalin she had built up to confront Willow with dissipate slightly. One thing her hurriedly compartmentalized mind had not been prepared for was coming face to face with the youngest Summers.

The tall young woman, though so very different to her smaller, slimmer sister was unmistakably Buffy's sister. That fact burned itself into Faith's mind and memory with a force and a pain that was almost tangible.

"Faith." Dawn's eyes grew wide, as she looked at the older Slayer, the dark hair and fit athletic body hardly different from the last time she had seen her. There was that barely disguised rage behind dark brown eyes and yet it seemed somewhat different now.

"I'm sorry I thought you were Willow." Faith apologized, keeping hold of the door handle as she spoke.

Dawn pulled her eyes away and turned back to the cups she'd assembled.

"It's okay, I am making Tara a herbal tea would you like one?" She asked, trying desperately hard not to sound like a little girl-playing hostess in her mother's kitchen.

"I don't drink the stuff, Tare tried it with me, but I never gelled with it." Faith shrugged lightly.

"I could make you coffee." Dawn offered, not in the least surprised that Faith didn't share Tara's passion for the herbal mixture.

"Yeah actually a coffee would be great." The dark Slayer consented.

"I'll show you where everything is so you can make yourself one any time." Dawn offered somewhat awkwardly.

"Great." Faith agreed equally as uncomfortable. Silently she followed Dawn's lead around the vast kitchen area.

Dawn balanced the tray of tea and cookies carefully as she maneuvered the spiral staircase up towards the loft. The time she had spent making the drinks and her brief run in with the dark Slayer had helped her to rid herself of the horrible feeling that upsetting Willow had given her. It was just that no matter how much she knew the hacker loved and cared for her, she just couldn't handle being smothered right now.

"Tara, can I come up?" She stopped midway and called softly.

"Dawn?" Tara's voice drifted down. "Of course, come on up."

"I have herbal." Dawn smiled softly as her head poked up enough to be seen.

The younger woman couldn't help but stare at the sight before her.

Tara was sat in the middle of one of the white rugs that littered the floor. Her shapely form held carefully in a near perfect lotus position, her blonde head tilted slightly forward, and her eyes closed. From what Dawn could see, she wore a pair of light gray nearly knee length shorts, with a long flowing gray v neck top, with patterned cuffs and collar decoration. Her hair was down and hung forward over her shoulders onto the top and she was barefooted.

The whole room was filled with a deep jasmine scent, and a tiny column of smoke drifted from the white burner on the table. There was no trace of luggage or mess, no doubt the witch had stowed things away earlier.

"You have perfect timing." Tara opened her eyes and looked up as she heard Dawn near the top of the stairs.

"You're meditating, I'm sorry." Dawn looked down at her serene pose as she reached the loft.

"I was dozing." Tara grinned and pushed herself into a proper sitting position. She moved a small medical bag off the table and patted it for Dawn to put the tray onto.

"I just got in." Dawn did as she was instructed, pushing down to sit on the floor as well.

"And how was lab?" Tara asked carefully picking the steaming cup of tea off the tray.

"It was great, I got an A on my presentation." Dawn grinned broadly.

"That's superb." Tara enthused carefully blowing at the steam.

"How was the flight?" She asked carefully.

"Long." Tara replied. "But by the Goddess why are we talking of those things? It's time for me to do the stand up and see test."

"I bet." She nodded and picked up the cup she'd made for herself sipping at it gingerly. "The what?" She laughed when she heard the blonde's comment.

Tara put down her cup and stood up holding out her hand to the young woman.

"Come on get up." She encouraged and Dawn took it to stand up with her.

Tara stood for a few moments just looking the youngest Summers' up and down slowly, letting a broad warm smile cross her face as she did so.

As she appraised one thing became so very clear, things had changed so much but on the same hand they had stayed the same. Dawn's dark silky hair was still long, reaching far down her back. Eight years had made the already tall youngster grow further, and Tara guessed she'd have to be only a few short inches from six feet. Her slim frame had filled out slightly as she'd gone further into puberty, with all the right womanly curves in full bloom though her hips remained very slight.

The trendy hip hugging jeans and tight green patterned T-shirt that she wore reminded Tara of Buffy instantly. Just the way that Dawn had brought the subtle points of the years hottest fashion together with her individual flair. The angry cut she had seen the day before was now covered by a thin gauze and Tara averted her eyes from the reminder of pain.

"This is the stand up and see test, and it shows me that a) you're taller than me, b) your skinnier than me, c) you're prettier than me, d) your younger than me, so basically, the stand up test shows, that not a lot has changed." Tara released Dawn's hand and then opened her arms out subtly to the young woman, with no element of pressure behind the move she silently offered Dawn a hug.

"I missed you." Dawn smiled and immediately moved into her arms hugging her tightly.

"You too my little spell caster." Tara closed her hands around Dawn's slim frame and held tight.

"Everything is such a mess." Dawn didn't know why she suddenly blurted the words out, but there was something so familiar, so comforting about the arms that held her it just made her feel safe enough for the first time in weeks to let go.

"I know Dawnie, I know." Tara soothed. "But we'll sort it. Somehow we'll find a path through the jungle. We've already made a start." She added encouragingly looking at the young face to see if it turned up to her in question.

"A start? How?" Dawn tried to struggle to keep some of her overwhelming emotions in check. The last thing Tara needed was for her to totally collapse. "Didn't Willow tell you about Anezka?"

"She did." Tara replied realizing how much of an effect the angel had had on Dawn's mindset. Though it was bound to have had a dramatic effect, after all it had taken away the one thing in Dawn's life that was truly hers, that being her sister. The blonde pulled Dawn close once more and decided to remind her of the plus point she was managing to see. "But I found my way home."

A hurriedly hidden part of Dawn's heart suddenly fought to be recognized and released. A part that heard Tara's words and rejoiced in everything they meant.

"This is where you're supposed to be." Dawn whispered daring to let that element find a voice, as she hugged Tara tightly once more.

"With family." The witch whispered.

"We're family." Dawn's heart echoed Buffy's words form the past, instantly remembering exactly what had been solidified that moment so long ago, and in turn instantly feeling so much worse for the flack she'd given Willow downstairs.

"You sound just like your sister." Tara whispered softly holding onto the young woman tightly almost unable to believe just how much the youngest Summers' did sound like Buffy.

"Naw." Dawn shook her head against Tara's shoulder.

"And what makes you so sure about that, are you suggesting that as I am approaching my 29th birthday I am going both deaf and senile?" The blonde witch brushed her hand over Dawn's hair.

"No, just..." She closed her eyes breathing in and relaxing into the comfort offered. Why was it so easy with Tara after so many years, so much distance but so hard with Willow when they'd lived in the same house for so many years? "She's gone." She felt hot tears fall down her cheeks without any warning.

Tara was about to say something until she felt a warm wetness spread onto her skin through the fabric of her top. Gently she ran her hands up and down the younger woman's back, and over her hair as she let Dawn cry.

"Hey I have a proposition." Tara whispered as her dark haired companion continued to sob. "I know we have to do the meal thing. But then can I book you in for some serious star watching?"

"I'd like that." The young woman pulled back slightly to smile.

"I hear I have to convince you about my big stack o' crackers." Tara gave dawn a lopsided smile.

"Hey I gave you the Moose in a bathtub without argument." Dawn laughed back her tears slowing.

The two women looked at each other for a long moment.

"It's good to see you Dawnie." Tara reached tenderly and brushed a tear from Dawn's cheek.

"So what do you want for dinner?" Dawn smiled under the move taking a breath to still the well of emotions inside her.

"Popcorn and pizza." Tara replied her smile broader.

"Perfect." Dawn beamed knowing Willow wouldn't object to the idea with it coming from Tara.

Continued...