The Letting Go by the Rainbow Writers

Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Willow, Tara, Faith, Giles, Dawn and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of Joss Whedon, Fox and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the authors. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Please contact the authors for permission to reproduce this story on any other fanfiction site.
Distribution: The Rainbow Writer's Homepage: http://www.therainbowwriters.com/
Mystic Muse: http://mysticmuse.net
Feedback: All feedback is welcome.
Author's Note: This story is set a little over eight years from the current time place of the series in season five, (with the premise that Glory has been defeated, without the loss of any of the gang or any severe trauma to them i.e. Tough Love didn't happen in this storyline). It is a severely traumatic story, which has come about in an attempt to deal with the topic of loss and the variety of emotional responses that evolve from these life-changing experiences.
Pairing: Willow/Tara

Summary: Willow needs Tara's and Faith's help in defeating the thing that killed Buffy.

"I'm sorry it's so late Tara." Willow stood nervously in the doorway to the small third storey apartment that she had been directed to by the doorman, who had been surprisingly helpful considering it was nearly midnight, and the apartment number she has written down for Tara was wrong.

"It's okay Willow." Tara didn't look up as she opened the door fully and moved back out of the way, letting the redhead enter. Willow moved carefully past the slender fair-haired witch into the hall beyond.

"Are you sure it's okay?" She asked pushing open the interior door that Tara indicated to.

As Willow stepped through the simple wooden door she had to stifle a gasp at the beautiful room that lay behind it. The far wall was little more than one huge window, that during daylight hours would let all the sun's light flood the room, and which now let the stars show off their glory to the full now in the twilight. The other three walls, may have been papered or painted, that Willow couldn't tell, all she could see was the rich silks and tapestries that Tara had draped over them, carefully tucked round the myriad of small wall sconces each of which held a small, burning scented candle. The only electric light in the room came from the central ceiling light, which was almost shrouded by a heavy navy star shaped shade letting only glimmers of light shine through several smaller shaped holes.

The floor was fully carpeted with a deep purple carpet was perfectly matched with three large almost randomly placed armchairs. There were various cabinets and cupboards around the edges of the room, and a television was tucked away in one corner. A mini stereo system stood next to it along with a collection of CDs.

"Thank you." Tara replied quietly. "Please sit down." She motioned to the chairs.

The redhead did just that, deciding on the chair that was closest to the fireplace. She had no doubt that in the cold bitter east coast winters it held a beautiful open fire, though now it served as the surround for a simple but effective candle display.

"Can I get you anything? A drink perhaps?" Tara asked hovering by the door. She hated the formality of all this, their short phrases and clipped tones. It made her heart ache instantly.

"Water would be good." Willow nodded and smiled as the older witch moved back out into the narrow hall, and down towards the kitchen.

Only moment's later Tara reappeared carrying two glasses filled with ice and water. She handed one to the redhead.

"Is there lots of information I have to get familiar with, or is it just a case of you needing witchy back-up?" Tara asked trying to keep her tone casual.

"I don't know." Willow put her glass down and sighed softly, letting gentle red curls fall forward to effectively cover her face. For possibly the first time since her arrival Tara noted how Willow had let her hair grow just a shade longer than she used to keep it. Still in very loose curls it now hung on her shoulders and did effectively hide her lovely features. Tara slammed her mind shut before letting that particular thought developed.

A deep silence fell between the pair, a silence that Tara was about to break, when suddenly Willow did it for her.

Tara literally dropped her glass. It tumbled as if in slow motion to the floor spilling water and ice in a high, wide arc before showering over the carpet like crystal clear summer rain. The glass hit the dense purple carpet with a muffled thud.

Willow's eyes shifted a little to look at where the glass lay on the floor remaining silent.

"We all are." Willow acknowledged. "Giles is lost and Dawn, well you can imagine how Dawn is taking it." A tear spilt down her cheek.

"Oh." Tara suddenly felt a hundred different emotions all vie for first place in her confused and aching heart.

"I'm sorry." She apologized again realizing how much extra pain and hardship searching for her must have given the Wicca on top of the horror she was already living with.

"I understand." Willow shrugged as if it meant nothing, though Tara knew that it did.

"Was the funeral…?" Tara began but didn't finish as she realized how inane her question would have sounded.

"It was nice." Willow's voice was completely devoid of any emotion or tone. "I wish you had been there." She added looking up at last.

Tara caught a glimpse of a pale tear streaked face, her heart breaking into a thousand smaller fragments with each tear.

"I'm sorry, this isn't exactly why I am here." Willow took a breath and sat up, pushing her loose curls behind her ears, and wiping her damp cheeks with the side of her hand.

"Will…" Tara began wanting to stop her old friend and make her talk about her pain and grief, but she decided against it. Willow had come with a specific request of her, it was better if that matter was dealt with quickly. The rest could be dealt with if and when it became appropriate.

"I need you to help me with something." Willow swallowed tightly, the effort making a small choking noise in the back of her throat as she tried to contain her emotions. So many things were piling up against her and the last thing she wanted to do was give into any of the raw feelings that swirled inside her. What they needed right now was control and planning very thought out careful planning. "To find someone more precisely."

"You know I'll help you anyway I can." Tara folded her long arms around her slim body almost trying to hold the pieces of her heart inside as the fragments bounced around inside her.

"I need to find Faith." Willow's eyes shot down as she spoke the forbidden dark Slayer's name. She focused on the thick shag of the carpet, the purple hue blending out of focus as she stared. "The thing that killed Buffy…" She felt the world spin a bit as visions of the Slayer's crumpled and broken body filled her head. Memories of her own foolishness as she tried to breath life into her cold form. "It has to be destroyed." She finally looked up to catch the blonde's eyes.

"Faith…" Tara's already shaky world tumbled a bit more as she pushed the name out of her dry lips. "I…" She felt herself cower under Willow's stare. She wasn't sure what she saw there anger, grief, hatred or jealousy. There was just so much raw emotion she couldn't even begin to decipher what was being focused at her. "I have a number, she left on my m-m-machine." She heard herself begin to stutter something she hadn't done in ages. "It's been a few months since we've been in contact."

"Oh!" There was more than a little shock in the hacker's voice. "I thought that you and she…" Her voice trailed off. This was another thing she hadn't wanted to face, but the sudden smack of reality Buffy's death had hit her with made it an unfortunate necessity.

"She left months ago." Tara tried to fill in the blank, her statement boldly laced with a forced blandness. "Let me get the number." The blonde added trying to will her suddenly useless legs into action, trying to will the muscles to contract and support her but actually failing to move at all.

Willow felt all of her well-aged jealousy and hurt melt away when she saw the trauma her simple request had brought to the blonde. No matter how much this ravaged her inside it had never been her intention to hurt Tara that was a concept even at the worst of times she had been completely unable to consider.

"I'm sorry." Willow admitted weakly, though the words were some of the most honest she'd spoken in days. "I didn't want to show up on your doorstep and cause trouble... it's just..."

Her hand went to the choker at her throat the carefully threaded beads crisscrossing in an intricate pattern of red, black and white. A present she knew Tara would easily recognize, given to her in happier more stable times by the Slayer. A gesture of friendship, a gesture of never-ending love and now a reminder of everything she had lost.

"No, no Willow." It was Tara's turn to shake her head and request the hacker to stop her apology.

She watched the thin pale hands she knew so well press sadly against the delicate beads, and longed to reach out and place hers over them, still the slight tremble in them and warm them through. The slight redhead looked like she had not been warm for a long time. Tara's heart ached more intensely.

"It's just on the machine." She held herself together and pushed herself out of the chair.

Willow nodded, taking a slow deliberate sip of the ice water for the first time as she tried to force the rising burning acid back down into her stomach.

Tara tried not to think abut anything as she trod lightly across the carpet, ignoring the slight dampness that soaked through the sole of her slipper from the spilt water. She flicked the top off her answering machine open and pressed rewind on the tape, watching the tape spin so fast from one wheel to another.

"How long have you been in Halifax?" The hacker asked trying to find something sharp enough to cut through the thick tension that had settled in the room. It felt murky and made her lungs tight.

"Oh not long." Tara replied distractedly. She looked up from the spinning tape and glanced over at the hacker. "I've only just finished furnishing this room."

"It's gorgeous, very..." The redhead smiled softly as she again took in the thick tapestries and small touches. "You." She managed to sum things up properly.

"The last address Dawn had for you was in Hong Kong, it sorta helped lead me here." Willow traced her fingertip down the condensation on the side of her glass making it pool slightly before it raced down and cascaded onto the carpet silently.

"How is Dawn?" Tara couldn't stop herself asking, only thinking afterwards that her words may not have been wise.

"She's almost finished her computer science degree." Willow filled in trying to block out the sight of the slight brunette on her knees by Buffy's coffin sobbing. "She's going to come work at Dolphin when she's all done, she's got the knack."

Tara let herself smile she felt a tiny spark of warmth in her heart of pride at her old lover's success and achievement.

"Here let me play this." Tara had to still her mind and re-concentrate as she felt herself slip back into thinking about the past, about the younger Dawn she knew and the pain that they had all suffered.

"Hey it's me." The distinct voice of the dark Slayer came into the slight background noises that filled the silence once the blonde had hit play. "I just thought... yeah well we both know what good that does... but I know... you were right... I'm wrong... I can't... you know? Okay anyway..." The words were disjointed and broken with long silences. "If trouble starts find me... 800-875-3356. It won't take me long to get back to you." The voice breathed for a second before the speaker seemed to move the receiver away from their mouth almost hanging it up before they came back on. "I do love you, don't forget." A thick dial tone almost instantly punctuated the sentence.

Tara closed her eyes against the pain that laced through her at the sound of Faith's voice and she pressed the stop button quickly. Willow felt her body begin to breathe again, not even having realized that she'd been holding out a tight breath while Faith talked.

"You can call from here if you like." Tara gestured rather pathetically to the phone.

"Maybe it would be better if I just leave you alone again." Willow slowly turned and placed the almost full glass of water on a small mosaic topped table nearby. "I've already shadowed enough of your day." She acknowledged the heavy weight of guilt that sat on her shoulders.

"If that's what you want." Tara dropped her head low, letting her hair fall forward feeling completely exhausted, but her mind and heart screamed at her not to let the redhead leave.

"Tara, if the things I wanted were the things that happened in my life, we wouldn't be here today, not like this." Willow felt herself falter a little as the blonde's presence worked its age old magic on her and loosened her tongue to her most inner most feeling even when she was working to contain them.

"I came straight from the airport." Willow admitted weakly, not sure why she wasn't following the plan she had set out for herself. Find Tara, find Faith, go home to avenge Buffy's death and save the world. For some reason none of it was important now. Willow felt like sinking to her knees, crawling down in amongst the thick pile of the carpet and crying. Crying till the puddle from Tara's drink was only a speck in comparison. Falling apart completely with only her precious Tara to keep her sane.

"I have a spare room." Tara put the offer forward, silently closing the black plastic case on her answer machine, letting her eyes fall back away from her old lover.

"Willow." Tara looked up. "You have never ever imposed." She spoke calmly and assured "Let me make up the bed." She moved carefully round the room to the door.

Tara slipped out of the room and walked quickly down the short hall, and stepped into the spare room. Pulling box after box off the small single bed she carefully closed off the pieces of her heart that screamed for attention. Focusing instead on the things that needed to be done immediately.

Once the bed was clear, she pulled back the thick comforter and checked that the pillows were properly fluffed. Then she tidied some of the debris to a place closer to the wall so that her guest at least had somewhere to move.

Pulling open the top draw Tara pulled out a box of matches and lit the candles that were randomly placed in the room. She had not yet worked her here but its deep blue wallpaper was acceptable for now.

Once she was as happy as she could be with the room, she took a slight breath and stepped back out into the hall to begin her short walk back to the living room. Mentally preparing herself for the heart wrenching that would happen the instant she looked at Willow again.

Willow was just hanging up the phone when she heard the soft footsteps padding back towards the living room. With an almost nervous move, she stepped back away from the phone and waited for Tara to enter.

"The room's all done." Tara looked back over her shoulder. "It's down the hall on your right." She gave the general directions gently.

"It was an answering service, based in Atlanta according to the secretary." Willow blurted out the information not even sure that Tara would care. She only hoped after she said the words that she hadn't said them to see what the blonde's reaction would be.

"She'll get back to you first thing I am sure." Tara looked away, hoping her voice didn't betray her despair, but remembering how attuned Willow used to be to every little nuance of her tone and timbre Tara suddenly doubted she had been able to hide anything.

"I'm sorry." Willow hung her head ashamed of what she was doing. "I should have realized how hard this would be on you... I wasn't thinking... I really always wished you'd find someone to make you happy." She whispered softly looking at the blonde through tired eyes. "Even if it was Faith."

"We're not going here tonight Willow, you are too tired." Tara shook her head suddenly looking up decisively. "The bathroom is the room opposite your bedroom. If you need anything just call." She moved quickly to pick up her fallen glass

"Do I look that good?" Willow cocked one side of her mouth into a smirk as she tried to not look exhausted.

"You look terrible." She said stopping and looking up through her blonde hair, there was a smile on the woman's face that came straight from her heart.

"And here I thought a little foundation and some lipstick would hide it all." Willow's smile spread completely across her face as the absurd reality of it all struck her. There was nothing she could hide good or bad from the Wicca, ever.

"Willow." Tara paused leaning against the doorframe, with her empty glass in her hand. "This is a bizarre question, but I have to ask it." She glanced down and the etched crystal in her hand. "How is Miss. Kitty?" She smiled again though her brow was a little knitted with worry.

"She's been living the sneaky cat life with Dawn at school." Willow laughed lightly at the begging the youngest Scooby had done to adopt the cat when the hacker's job had kept her out of town for long periods of time. "I think she loves the parties myself."

"She misses you though." Willow added softly. "Still has to have your sweater curled up in her cat bed."

"I am sure she doesn't even remember me." Tara brushed over Willow's statement and pushed herself off the doorframe.

"She does." Willow underlined even when she saw the blonde moving away. "How else would you explain her trying to curl up in my bag when I was getting the plane tickets ordered?"

"Good night Willow." Tara said in a low voice as she moved into the hall, unable to hear Willow's words a moment longer, the pain in her heart too fresh, too real. "Blessed Be." She added softly.

Tara lay flat on her back staring up at the black painted ceiling of her bedroom. She hadn't cried, she refused too, her pain was deeper than tears, harder than them too.

It was all too much for her to take in. The thought of Buffy dead just made her mind freeze. It just wasn't in her realm of possibilities.

It sounded crazy now as she thought to herself, but part of her at sometime had expected a scene something like this. That one-day, late a night there would be a knock on the door but that it would be Buffy standing there, her eyes red and swollen, her voice low and heavy as she gave Tara the news that Willow had been killed.

Over and over her heart had prepared for this scenario. Prepared that is, by initiating a full and complete emotional melt down, but it was a plan nonetheless.

But not this scenario, this hadn't ever been thought about, not even briefly mentioned to any part of Tara's consciousness.

'Why not?' She thought sadly. 'Because Buffy could conquer the world that's why.' Her own mind answered her.

She could beat anything, she had beaten anything, or more specifically she had beaten Tara's 'something'. Her father. Buffy had stared him down and made him into a real person, taken away his omnipotence in one simple little phrase, one that haunted her to this day.

But it was because of that that she was here now. Lying in her bed, with Willow just down the hall, but a million miles away at heart. Lying here because Buffy had turned her father into a man from being a god with all the power and respect due to him. Tara had had to adapt to the fact he was a man, just a man and as fortunes turned he had become just a man that had gotten sick, lost his son in a bar brawl and needed his daughter.

Tara recalled with infinite clarity each and every day of the week it had taken her to make up her mind and quit school, break from the Scoobies, leave Willow's side, and shatter her heart.

It had been the longest and shortest week of her life. The longest because of the hours and days spent considering her options, trying to make all things work out for the best, and the shortest after she had made the decision, because forever was too short a time for her to prepare to say goodbye to Willow.

Tara lay motionless in her bed trying to stop her mind from replaying the age-old memories of that terrible day in all of their lives. She hadn't even done that right, asking Giles to take her to the train station without word or mention to Willow or the rest of the gang that that Saturday morning would be the day she would leave Sunnydale. No matter how she tried however Tara's mind replayed the scene for her with a clarity and sharpness that itself brought pain.

Tara sat almost curled up in the passenger seat of Giles' car, a light knapsack rested on her knees, and tears streamed down her face. Her hair was partially held up by a clip that Willow had bought her just the weekend before, part of an elaborate 'week after my birthday, you need presents so you feel special too' package, which stubbornly refused to stay in place, sending blonde tendrils down around her cheeks.

Giles glanced over to her often, his faced fixed in a somber mask for the entire drive. Tara should have realized then that he was hiding something, something important, which of course he was. What had he been hiding? Tara was about to find that out in about five minutes time.

As the Englishman pulled into a spare parking slot in the train station, Tara watched him turn to her.

"Are you sure about this Tara?" He had spoken slowly and calmly, but with deep sadness.

Tara looked up at him through tear filled eyes her head shaking of its own accord. Her face contorting slightly as more tears filled her eyes and she began to cry.

"Perhaps we could arrange for him to come here, perhaps some hospital care, a private nurse?" They both knew all of these had already been suggested and reasons against them brought up by the hundred.

"I-I-I-I-I have to go." Tara managed to force some volume into her voice. Releasing her seatbelt the young Wicca took a firmer grip on her knapsack and pushed the door open. Giles moved out of the car also and slipped round to the trunk, pulling it open and lifting out Tara's heavy suitcase.

The pair moved silently across the parking lot and through the station doors. Tara checked the train departure times and predictably enough the train was running late. Giles moved Tara's luggage close by a bench and motioned for her sit down and taking a protective stance by her aide.

Tara shivered as she looked up and down the tracks, her thick multi-colored coat for some reason not keeping her warm in the slightest.

"You will always have a home with us Tara." Giles suddenly placed his hand on Tara's shoulder and carefully squeezed it, slipping his other hand into the pocket of the long trench coat he wore.

Tara wanted to reply that she knew, and that she would always be happiest here, but she couldn't speak. Her heart was in ruins, her mind cloudy and unfocused. More silent tears cascaded down her pale cheeks.

"Tara." A new voice called the Wicca's name, causing her to flick her head up and turn it sharply. It was that voice, that same voice that had changed her whole world eighteen months ago.

Blinking her blurred vision into focus, Tara's eyes confirmed what her ears had already told her. There, walking down the platform towards them, dressed in a pair of black leather pants, and a red flowing blouse, her hair tossed back with the wind and the force of her steps only able to belong to one person strode Buffy.

Beside Tara, Giles lifted his hand off her shoulder and brought it to his mouth, coughing lightly. He glanced slightly sideways at Buffy when she drew close and then stepped backwards and away in a neat almost pre-rehearsed move. Things clicked in her head at that moment. Giles had told Buffy what was happening, from this moment on the day could only get worse.

"Tara." Buffy repeated her voice flat. She stopped a little way away from the bench and looked down at the tawny haired girl. Tara slowly lifted her sad face up to look at the Slayer. "You can't do this." She continued shaking her head.

"I h-h-h-have to do this." Tara replied her hands clutching the bag tighter still and pain as hot as fire shot through her.

"Willow needs you, Dawn needs you, we all need you." Buffy objected, her stance still firm.

"You're not a monster, no one would think that if you stayed." Buffy shook her head adamantly.

"I would." Tara interjected quickly, her eyes looked up into Buffy's imploringly.

Buffy's eyes met Tara's water filled blue ones, and her firm resolve just melted away. They both knew out of everyone, it was Buffy who had noticed the changes in Tara. Yes, it had been the dynamic headstrong Slayer who most clearly watched and noted Tara's transformation from shy awkward misfit into a competent, confident and beautiful witch. It had began somewhat when she had met Willow and had felt loved for the first time, but it had then escalated in its pace after the events surrounding her twentieth birthday. The knowledge that she was deemed as worth fighting for by not only her lover, but the entire Scooby Gang, and of course Buffy had changed her so much. Even such tragic events as the loss of Mrs. Summers' and the week-by-week disasters of living in the Hellmouth had only caused Tara to blossom more, to become this woman that had had to make the hardest decision in her life.

At that moment the overhead speaker announced that Tara's train was approaching the station. Both girls looked up and saw the distant outline of the train grow bigger as the air was filled with the rush of wind and the rattle of tracks and wheels. The other passengers shuffled forward, moving cases and bags, collecting children by the hand in preparation to board. Buffy looked back at Tara.

"You have to write, let us know where you are, how things are going." Buffy stated.

Tara took hold of the handle on her suitcase and moved her knapsack onto her shoulder, pushing herself up off the bench not being able to reply.

With a loud clatter the train entered the station and stopped appropriately. The doors opened and the other passengers stepped aboard. Tara took a few steps towards the nearest door with Buffy stood silently watching. An attendant reached out and took Tara's suitcase from her, stowing it safely in a luggage section. The blonde haired Wicca put her foot on the step of the train and stopped.

"Tara." Buffy said her name and she turned moving off the metal step as the Slayer ran forward and closed her arms around the other woman. Tara pressed her hands flat against the Slayer's back and held her tight, fresh tears spilling from her eyes, "We love you." She whispered as she placed a light kiss on Tara's wet cheek.

Somewhat reluctantly Buffy stepped back and Tara climbed onto the train pulling the door closed behind her, she turned and looked out of the window. Buffy had moved back and Giles had moved forward, the Slayer leaned against him, one hand wiping tears from her cheeks.

From her place in the train all Tara could hear was the mumbled conversations and the muffled engine noise of the machinery around her but as she made one final glance out of the window before moving to find her pre-booked seat she knew something was wrong, though she almost knew before then which is why she had looked.

She watched horrified and mesmerized at the same time as Buffy pushed herself from out of Giles' arms, turning away from the train back down the platform, her arms out stretched as if to stop someone or something. It was someone. Tara saw seconds later as a sobbing Willow collided into Buffy's arms. Tara's eyes widened with horror as she watched Buffy wrestling with her best friend to keep her back, as Xander, Anya and Dawn ran into view just behind the spectacle. Dawn must have overheard when Giles had given her secret away to Buffy, and from that moment Tara's quiet get away was doomed. Eventually Buffy gave up her struggle as Willow broke free and ran towards the train, just as it jerked forward and began to move.

The initial pull had knocked Tara out of her horrified stupor and as she saw Willow running after the carriage she couldn't help but pull down the window and reach out her hand.

"TARA! TARA! I LOVE YOU!" Willow shouted her voice full of pain and despair. Tears drenched her face and dripped onto her light blue patterned blouse. She ran hard her hand outstretched, but was never going to be quick enough to catch up with the train.

"I love you!" Tara wept keeping her hand out until the train passed the end of the platform, even then the blonde witch moved her head to glance out of the window back towards her lover who had come to the end of the concrete and stopped falling to her knees her head buried in her hands. Buffy was running up behind her just as the tracks turned the train away from sight.

With her heart in a million pieces Tara pulled her upper body back into the carriage and pushed the window shut. Blindly she stumbled through the car to her reserved seat dropping into it with a heavy sigh. She wept all of the way to her father's house.

Unusually not even this vivid playback of this her most common nightmare vision made Tara cry, she just continued to lie unmoving and silent in a bed that felt as alien to her at the moment as did her own body. It was like none of this was happening none of it was real.

For the first time since lying in her room Tara's thoughts shifted from herself to another person who's world would soon be changed beyond concept or believe… Faith. The blonde Wicca slowly closed her eyes as she just began to contemplate what her reaction to Willow's news would be, but she knew that she could not imagine such a thing.

No matter what had happened between the two Slayers, all the anger, the pain, the hatred and hurt, there was a bond that kept them together and that quite simply was love. It was easy to understand, they were both so loveable in their own way, and as Faith had said to her on one of their many late night conversations.

"Oh Faith." Tara pulled a hand to her forehead and pressed against it quite hard, as she realized, not for the first time in her life, that the last hour had only been the start of the nightmare to come.

Beginning a relaxation mantra Tara prepared herself for resting, she knew that the only way she would be able to face the new day was if she at least had a little rest, without it she doubted she would even make it out of the bed.

Willow looked up studying the slightly irregular patterning of the swirls within the plaster of the ceiling. Breathing in deeply she couldn't stop her mind from rushing back in time as familiar scents permeated into her every pore. Scents that would forever be marked Tara in her brain.

A psychology class taken her first year left her with the knowledge that smell was the strongest scent for invoking memories and here surrounded by subtle breezes that carried hints of orchids, roses and orange she knew that it was true. After Tara had left Sunnydale, she'd banished the study of the human mind and all its intricacies simply because no matter what hundreds of years of science had proved it would never explain why her beloved had left her alone.

Of course there was reasons. Reasons in a well-worn letter that she'd read to start her day every morning and before she cried herself to sleep every night. Reasons that though she couldn't disagree with, she was unable to understand why the reasons had needed to lead to the total dissolve of their loving relationship. She would have waited an eternity, waited as long as the blonde had needed but for some reason as always things did not give her the chance.

Sudden flashes of years of her life flashed by. Years when she had done nothing but study in her sterile world of computers that soon turned into her complete obsession with her fledgling software company.

As her mind sped through its time travel a thick guilt slammed down on her and she felt hot tears burning her eyes. In all that time one person had keep her sane, one thing had kept her from losing herself to the pain, and that was Buffy and the Slayer's never-ending loving support.

Yet here she was, for not the first time in the last few days not thinking of the Slayer. Not thinking of the earthquake of grief that rippled through her with every breath but thinking only of herself. Thinking of an aged loss instead of the recent tragic events that had torn Buffy from her life, thinking of Tara.

Overwhelmed by her own contradicting thoughts and the weight of the situation she was now in, laying here in Tara's apartment a thousand miles from anything she knew, streams of tears flooded down her face as she curled into a ball under the thick duvet.

Faith pushed the door open to the club with a firm hand completely ignoring the steely look she'd received from the bouncer as it rocked on its metal hinges. Her mind was a whirl of completely undistinguishable thoughts as she pounded her way across the graveled parking lot to a decrepit telephone booth at the corner of the lot. Standing under a stark overhead light the slight colors of the impending dawn hadn't quite reached enough to turn its sensors off.

It had been a normal night. It had been like her nights for the last few weeks, tending bar at this complete dive in order to track a pack of vamps that were working in the area. Sure stalk and quick kill was her normal style but this group had a bit more brainpower than the usual crew and she was trying to figure out just what it was that was giving them this leg up. She'd done what she always did at work. Poured bad recycled beer, watered down liquor and at her break time she went into the small rickety office at the back and made one phone call.

One phone call to a place she hadn't even been to. One phone call that was always met by the usual… "Sorry you have no message." But this time there had been a pause and then the sudden shift as she was connected to a recording. A recording of a voice she would recognize anywhere, but never thought she would hear again.

"What the hell is going on?" She questioned loudly as she yanked the door to the phone booth open.

Willow's words, slightly laced with a controlled panic, rambled through her head. Willow's voice, Tara's number. She smacked the roll of quarters open against the wall of the booth and began throwing them into the phone. When she figured she had enough she punched in the long distance number and waited.

"Hi…" Tara's voice came bright and clear through the earpiece, but the clipped precise words immediately told the dark Slayer that it was the blonde's answer machine. "Blessing upon you." The recording announced softly. "Leave a message for me whoever you are."

"Tara?" Faith knew that her voice would project through the apartment. "Tara, pick up!" She demanded partially angrily. "What ever is going on? This is not funny. I got a message from Red, from your number." She ran her hand down the Plexiglas of the booth feeling a bit of a shake in it. "I know something's wrong, I can feel it. Christ sake Tara, Willow, anyone pick up!" She yelled hopelessly and waited. Nothing but static filled hiss came back to her. "Fuck!" She cursed moving the mouthpiece away briefly. "Okay here's the deal, I hope to God you are still in Halifax cause I'm on my way. Should take me a day or two, but I will be there. STAY PUT!" She locked her jaw waves of panic making her want to throw up. "No, go somewhere safe. Leave directions for me with David down at the Warf. I'll see him first, no one will know to question him." She rested her head against the chilly Plexiglas of the booth. "Tara, I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm sorry..." She didn't finish as she turned and hung up the phone.

From deep in the middle of her serenity spell Tara became distantly aware of a voice. A voice she knew well, but hadn't heard for a while. For a moment she thought it was Willow as at least part of her consciousness remembered that the redhead was bundled up in her spare room, probably still fast asleep. But then as Tara focused more and released the last strains of her enchantment she recognized the person for who it was.

In a semi panic the blonde threw back the comforter that was loosely thrown over her and almost tripped in it as she jumped out of the bed, stumbling forwards to the door. She had barely pulled her bedroom door open and made it into the long hall when the sound of the machine clicking off rang in her ears.

Still running Tara hurried into the living room and more or less dived at the phone. The caller display told her that the call had come from a payphone, and was therefore untraceable.

"Damn." Tara hissed, hitting the recall button on the answer machine. She played back the Slayer's message her heart breaking at the distinct traces of pain, worry, regret, anger and fear all evident in Faith's words and tone.

The blonde raised her fingers to her lips, closing her eyes sadly as Faith's instructions came through the speaker before the click and slow burr of the dial tone filled her ears.

"Oh Faith." Tara whispered her fingers still lightly pressing on her lips as with the other hand Tara flicked the answer machine back onto auto record.

"Is everything all right?" Willow appeared at the doorway sleepy and in a bit of a panic having heard various bits of furniture turned over in the blonde's race to get to the phone.

Tara's head turned before the rest of her body her sad blue eyes falling on the redhead immediately.

"Oh Willow, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." She said apologetically letting her hand drop from her mouth to a more normal relaxed position at her side.

"It's okay." Willow shook her head. "I was sorta only half asleep." She moved in a few steps. "Was that Faith?" She questioned softly seeing the obvious distress it had caused the blonde.

"Yes, I didn't get in in-time to pick up." Tara explained pointing lamely at the phone before glancing back at her former lover.

"What did she say?" Willow shuffled over without thinking enough to stop herself and sat down beside the blonde on the small couch.

"She's coming." Tara replied. "It might take her a while, a day or two." She replied trying to remember all that Faith had said but edit out the parts and emotions that Willow didn't need to know.

"Good." Willow nodded slightly. "To the coming part." She looked up and into blue eyes. "Are you okay?" She asked almost silently. No matter what else was running around in her brain she just couldn't bare to see Tara looking this upset.

"Of course I am." Tara let her eyes briefly meet Willow's before tearing them away and pushing herself up out of the padded seat. She breathed hard. "Do you want a coffee?" She asked taking a step away towards the hall.

"Yes, that would be nice thank you." Willow almost had a million words of objects come on out her mouth. But something reminded her it was not her place to push anymore.

Tara nodded silently and slipped out moving more calmly down the hall to the kitchen. The small logically organized room was just big enough to be practical and small enough to be easy to maintain.

Tara pulled two cups from the hooks and flicked the switch for the kettle, without thinking she added ingredients to wide mouthed cups. It may have been literally years but Tara remembered exactly how Willow drank her coffee. Setting down the sugar pot Tara looked at the two cups before her and stared. She may have remembered Willow's preferences perfectly but as she looked at the other cup she could hardly believe what she had done.

Tara took her coffee black with no sugar, Willow took hers white with one, Faith black with two, and Buffy white with two. Tara stared at the second cup, the dark coffee granules bleeding slightly out into the milk that covered them.

"Oh God." Tara gasped her voice pained. She picked up the cup and carried it hurriedly to the sink turning the hot tap on full she pushed it under the fast flowing jet.

What was she thinking of? Possibly the thousands of times she had made coffee for Buffy and Willow when the Slayer had come round to their dorm for chats and sympathy. It had become and almost automatic response at one point in time so long ago.

As the water flushed away the wasted ingredients unstoppable tears spilled down Tara's cheek, blurring the images in front of her clouding her already lost mind.

The water flowing into the cup turned from cold to warm and as Tara's hand swilled round the now clean cup it turned from warm to hot. Oblivious Tara lost herself in her confusion, pain and loss, her hand moving round and round the china until it registered with an ignored part of her brain that she was actually in pain.

"Shit!" She cursed loudly dropping the cup against the steel sink and it broke instantly.

Irrationally Tara tried to pull the broken pieces of china from the sink, the steaming water still hammering down into the bowl.

Willow had been sitting quietly, trying to still her mind down to something recognizable when the shattering of glass slammed into her and she was off like a shot blindly in the direction of the kitchen.

"Tara?" Willow called panicked as she raced down the hall, opening one door to find a linen closet before finally coming to an open one and finding the kitchen. Her eyes fell upon the blonde's back as long tendrils of hot steam poured up out of the sink. "Goddess sake Tara, are you all right?" She came around to the sink quickly. "No honey no." Without thinking she cupped the witch's wet burning hands in her own and pulled them out of the sink.

"I d-d-d-d-dropped the cup." Tara stammered turning to Willow as the other woman carefully made the situation safe.

Willow grabbed a dish cloth from nearby she flicked the hot water tap off, and wrapped the blonde's hand up within the cloth and her own.

"Be still." Willow closed her eyes and held the witch's hands in own and mumbled off a short spell drawing the heat out. It wouldn't help the slight burning already forced about the delicate skin but it would ease the pain and keep the heat from doing any more damage.

"Is that any better?" She opened her eyes when she was done inspecting the blonde's hands.

"No." The hacker objected to her words softly knowing better. "Not what happened to the cup, what happened to make you so upset?"

"I was making coffee." Tara said sadly she glanced up at the now boiled kettle and single cup.

Tara felt herself losing the fear and the apprehension she had felt since she had opened the door the night before and seen Willow standing there instead it was replaced by the feelings that the redhead always used to cause, feelings of calm and safety and love.

"Oh Tara baby, I missed you so much." Willow felt her voice crack as she pulled the blonde into a gentle hug. Willow slipped her arms around holding her just that little bit closer as their bodies melted together and her face was gently pushed into soft blonde hair.

Tara closed her hands almost reverently over Willow's shoulder blades as she drew closer to the other woman and lowered her head onto the thin shoulder. The embrace reminding her of everything that was in essence Willow, the smells, the familiar frame the strength in the arms around her.

But as completely as the redhead's embrace made everything in Tara's world better, it suddenly made it all a hundred times worse as her mind with vivid and clear detail brought to her the last time that she and Willow had shared such an embrace.

"Th-Th-Th-Thank you for coming." Tara's tear broken voice whispered to Willow as she clung to the smaller woman tightly. The dark day was not even close to being over but at least the hardest bit in someway was done.

Behind her people started milling about moving away, she could her the gentle voice of the priest whispering words of condolence to family and friends but rather than moving she just clung to her old lover. Happy to let others mourn the passing of her father, as they would, content just to be held in the safety of Willow's arms.

"Of course I came." Willow replied softly. Tara felt a gentle hand moving softly up and down her back.

"I-I-I didn't think you would." She admitted her tears soaking through the navy blue cotton of Willow's jacket.

"Tara, I love you I had to come, even if just to bring you home after everything is over." Willow squeezed her tighter.

Tara's hand stopped mid stroke and she carefully extracted herself from the embrace.

"I am home Willow." She said slowly, looking up her blue eyes filled with a thousand tears and pain that went beyond her heart into her very soul.

"But..." Willow frowned and looked at Tara her eyes narrowing a little in disbelief.

"Tara, he's dead." Willow's eyes turned hard her tone solidifying into something close to anger. "This is over." The redhead pointed to the fresh mound of earth. "You don't owe that monster anything anymore." She seethed.

"That monster was my father Willow." Tara's heart broke a little more, to a point where not even she would have believed pain could exist

"I… I didn't mean that." Willow stammered shaking her head sending her sort red curls over her newly tear damp cheek.

"Yes, you did." She said her voice controlled though still close to breaking point. "Which is why I can't c-c-come with you."

Willow looked up at her lover shaking her head, not comprehending how this had gone so wrong so quickly.

"He will always be my father, and I will always be his daughter." Tara said softly. "I thought I could forget that, but I can't. I love you Willow, I will always love you. But you should go now." She turned her long black coat swirling slightly before settling heavy against her body. Sympathetically as she took the first few steps to the waiting limousine, it began to rain.

Forcing herself to temper her initial reaction, that was just to pull away from Willow, Tara coughed softly and then gently pulled back.

"I'm sorry." Willow coughed as well and took a step back. "I just..." She looked sheepishly at the broken pieces in the sink.

"I know, and it's okay." Tara nodded quickly trying to sooth away the redhead's apology.

"How about I make the coffee?" Willow assaulted herself internally for the stupid move. Though every inch of her skin ached to hold the blonde again.

"Great." Willow sucked in the breath to push the word out as she forced herself to turn back to the sink.

Willow couldn't help but feel like she was taking over slightly as she looked around at the three laptops and various spider webs of cables that now filled Tara's kitchen. She had been offered the blonde's office but the idea of a more neutral room had seemed a little more appealing. She straightened out her hair a little, briefly checking to make sure she didn't look too horrible in the reflection off the large laptop screen before she clicked the connection to life and the small light under the web cam nearby flashed on.

"Hi." Willow let the word drag out of her slowly. "Did you have any trouble with the connection?" She asked worried when the picture hadn't come into immediate focus.

"Will, I could hook up panoramic cams upside down with my eyes closed." Dawn huffed slightly. "It's fine. Did you find her?" Her voice was bland again.

"I've made contact. She's on her way here to Tara's." Willow nodded slightly. "She will be a day or two but I'll keep you posted."

"The Chinook Crawler has found nothing on her anywhere." Dawn hit a key and a file began to download directly into the Hacker's system. "She must be using an alias or just not leaving records."

"Double check with the message company. If we can find her we can wire her money to make this easier." Willow sent a section of files back to her hating the ordered and clinical air that came over them when they did this. Dawn's sister was dead, her best friend was dead but as always they were in fight the end of the world mode and things had to be done.

"She can't believe what happened." Willow subconsciously reached out and touched the screen wanting to be able to wipe the young woman's pain away.

"Can I talk to her?" Dawn asked pulling back as the camera alerted her to Willow's move.

"Let me check Dawn." Willow didn't know what else to say as she slid herself out of the chair.

"Tara?" Willow opened the door to the living room after again having led herself to the linen closet by accident.

"Um..." Willow put her hand in the pocket of her skirt awkwardly. "Dawn wants to speak with you if you have a minute."

"Of course." Tara said without thinking putting aside a swatch card of colors that she held in her hand and rearranging the material so she could stand up and get to the door.

"Is it complicated?" Tara gave Willow a quick smile in thanks as she slipped through the door.

"No, just sit down and talk." Willow explained. "I'll let you two have a moment."

"Thank you." Tara nodded as she walked into the kitchen, which was barely recognizable through the mass of wires and technology. Easing herself into the chair that Willow had recently vacated she looked at the screen. Dawn was turned sideways to the screen as she punched away at another machine trying to pass the time. She pushed long light brown locks behind her ears.

The figure she saw before her barely resembled the young girl she had been so fond of. The adolescent figure, replaced by what looked like an athletic and powerful young woman. The small upturned nose, and soft jaw line might have belong to the same person but gone was every trace of the teenager.

Tara watched as Dawn once again pushed her long hair behind her ear and had to stifle an intake of breath as she noticed a long stitched wound on the side of the other woman's hand leading round somewhere under the light gray sweater she wore.

Tara shifted back in the chair deliberately knocking a cup in front of her to make it look like she had just taken her seat she knew the noise would alert the other woman.

"Tara?" Dawn turned suddenly at the noise to see her screen filled with the picture of the older, but still beautiful witch. She subconsciously brushed her hands over her hair to make sure none of it was sticking up. "Hi." She whispered softly a bit of her innocence briefly recaptured.

"Dawn." Tara let her voice express all the love and emotion she felt. "Dawnie." She whispered as an after thought. The young woman's bottom lip started to quiver.

"I guess W-Willow told you." She swallowed hard trying to get herself back under control but somehow finding it so hard as she looked into the digital image of the blonde.

"She did." Tara tilted her head slightly to one side and nodded ever so slightly.

"I buried her next to mom, I think she would have liked that." Dawn reached up scratching behind her ear uncomfortably for a minute.

"She would have." Tara agreed her voice soft. "You've gotten taller." She smiled softly wanting to avoid the painful topics of Buffy's death and the horror that must have accompanied it.

"Yeah, I'm on the volleyball team at school." Dawn looked up straight into the camera suddenly, the shot showing off the almost glowing paleness in her face starkly contrasted by the shadows under her eyes. "I've missed you." She whispered softly.

"I'm coming home Dawnie." Tara suddenly vowed, her words a surprise even to her.

"Please." She pleaded for the words to be true her eyes welling up with tears before Tara watched her visibly force them back away. "It would be nice to see you." She added in an even voice.

"And you." Tara agreed her heart aching as she watched the young woman struggle with emotions and feelings that were just too big for her. The Dawn looking at her now may be eight years older, but she was still the sad vulnerable girl inside, that much was obvious. The only difference being there had been ten years of armor hurriedly assembled around a fragile heart.

"I..." Dawn searched for something else to say without letting herself fall apart.

"It's okay Dawn, save anything you have to say until I get there." Tara said to help her out and the young woman nodded.

"I'll have to get Willow to turn all this off, it looks like my kitchen has been invaded by metallic spiders!" Tara tried a light-hearted comment nodding as the young woman drew their conversation to a close.

"Don't worry Willow only screws up every now and then so that a few get free." Dawn tried to joke back. "I'll talk to you soon." She smiled softly thankful for the brief moments.

"Be with." Dawn repeated the words and nodded before she hit a key and her picture faded away.

"Will." She called "Willow." She corrected herself trying hard to avoid the casual ease with which the shorter name came to her lips.

"Yeah?" Willow came out of the spare room she'd been occupying. "Did the link glitch?"

"No, she had work to do." Tara glanced back at the mass of technology filling her room.

"She's been keeping busy." Willow filled in the obvious. "I'll get this cleaned up."

"She is running all the searches for me from Dolphins main satellite link." Willow moved over to shut down the computer. "We figured if we could track Faith down we can wire her money to get her here faster."

"Faith has all the money she needs." Tara moved back out of the way as Willow worked.

"Is she holding down a part time job we didn't know about?" Willow commented absently as she started to wind up cords.

"How?" Willow looked up confused. "We've searched every minor, major and medium database in existence. Faith owns nothing."

"No." Willow shut her eyes for a minute. How many of countless hours of research had just been summed up as useless by that one fact? "I have to send Dawn the name."

"Why?" Tara turned back and looked at Willow her eyes bright as the hacker pulled one of the still open laptops over to her and began to punch into it.

"We have to track her." Willow didn't look up from the screen. "And then cover her tracks." She added softly and looked up.

"The thing..." Willow's fingers stopped for a moment. "The evil that killed Buffy, it knows there is another Slayer." She finished the message in lightening speed, encrypted it and sent it into space.

"But if you can't find her, it can't." Tara wanted to reach out and stop what Willow was doing it had taken so long to get Faith's new life sorted for her and she knew that Willow was erasing it quicker than she could breath.

"We have to be sure of that." Willow looked back down. "And if it is following her tracks I can shadow it and trace back to its origin."

"Tara..." Willow looked up to see the blonde's face hidden by her hair. She took her hands off the keyboard and put her hands palm down on the table.

"You don't understand yet. The thing that killed Buffy..." She felt her body shake at the words.

"I still have work to do." She forced her brain to work and her mouth to move completely at a loss as to how to deal with the new information. Willow nodded pulling her hands down the wood of the table into her lap.

"We'll do everything we can to protect her." She vowed softly as Tara retreated.

"She wont let you." Tara whispered in response as she slipped into the living room and closed the door.

Willow finished backing up the last of her equipment. It had taken her a few hours to successfully narrow down to Francis Maclay, though it was a comfort to realize even if that was her new identity Faith didn't use it. She put up as many hidden landmines as she could to alert if anyone began tracking that name as well and settled herself to the fact that she was dong all that she could.

Slowly and carefully she made two cups of coffee and some sandwiches, before she carried them back through the apartment to the living room. Tara had not emerged from the living room in hours either, and at the very least she wanted to bring a peace offering.

"I thought maybe a little break was in order." She maneuvered herself into the room with the tray. Tara looked up from her space on the floor.

"You're probably right." She said packing away everything around her in an amazingly short space of time. She pulled out a coffee table for Willow to rest the tray on.

"You were right." Willow admitted softly as she sat down and laid the tray down between them.

"Faith isn't traveling under Francis Maclay." Willow explained sipping at her coffee. "She hasn't used that name since the last time you signed it."

"I didn't think for a minute she would." Tara admitted as she took one of the cups from the tray.

"Is there any others you know of she might use?" Willow bit into a half of one of the sandwiches.

"She doesn't tell me anything any more Willow." She said softly shaking her head.

"This." Tara gestured between the two of them slowly. "The tension, the pain." She went on. "The look you get in your eye when I mention Faith."

"I don't understand." Willow put her cup down as well. "The whole Faith thing." She tried to clarify.

"Look at me Willow." Tara urged her. "Do I look that different? Do I seem so altered by time and life? You could always talk to me Willow, why has that changed?"

"Because I made the biggest mistake of my life." Willow looked up and into the blonde's deep blue eyes.

"You were young Willow. We both were." Tara shook her head refusing to let the memories of past time bleed into the here and now again.

"Being young doesn't make it any less a mistake Tara." Willow shook hers back soft curls bouncing. "We're you happy with her?' She asked finally trying to start some dialogue between them.

"Yes." Tara replied sitting back a little. "No…" She contradicted as her back rested on the chair for support.

"Yes I loved her, yes I still love her." Tara nodded gently picking up the cup again closing both her hands around it. "I don't take back my heart from people I have given it to." She added.

"I know." Willow smiled softly. "I have to admit I was a bit shocked when I first heard about you two." She reached down picking up a spoon to absently stir her drink which was slightly too hot to drink. "But then I just hoped that you were happy."

"I'm sorry that you found out the way you did." Tara said gently blowing onto the surface of her drink.

"Tara..." The hacker tried to urge her to look up. Putting down the spoon when the blonde's head didn't rise, she tentatively reached out and brushed enough golden locks away to see her face.

"If you loved her, love her..." Willow corrected herself. "Despite my history with Faith, I know you must have seen something worthy of that. Me being jealous is only cause..." For the first time she hesitated. "Well you know why." Tara stayed silent for a moment and the looked up slowly.

"I know." Willow smiled softly, she wasn't about to deny it. She couldn't deny that she'd had feeling for the petite dark haired girl. But there was also one fact she hadn't been able to deny to Kristen either, and had ultimately broke them up. "But she wasn't you."

"When you take Faith back with you, I want to come." Tara changed the subject hurriedly her heart too raw to deal with this.

"Of course." Willow felt the air knocked out of her lungs when she heard the blonde's reason for going back. "But when we go after it you have to be out of Sunnydale." She abandoned her sandwich and coffee, pushing herself up and walking over to the window.

"Why are you still doing that?" Tara followed the redhead's movements with her eyes alone.

"Protecting me, like I am some defenseless child?" There was no trace of anger in Tara's voice, just bemusement.

"Because..." Willow's eyes caught the blonde's for a moment and she wanted to say so many things but the sight of Buffy's dead body burned into her pupils kept her words in check. "Because this time you are defenseless and I have already let one person I loved die." She turned back to the window.

"You did not LET Buffy die." Tara pushed herself up. "I don't know what happened but I know you did not 'let' her die. Something terrible obviously happened, but that doesn't mean you failed her, or let her down." She took a few steps towards the hacker.

"I did fail her." Willow spoke the words with an icy edge of self-hatred. "The answer was right in front of me and I didn't see it, not until it was too late." Tara stood still listening to Willow's heartbreaking confession.

"How is it not my fault?" Willow put her hand out and rested it on the cool glass of the window. "That was my job, do the research, find the answers and I failed."

Tara longed just to reach out and touch her old lover's shoulder, to turn her round and draw her to her closing her arms around the slender body and hold her tight but she knew that she couldn't, after all Willow was as likely to push her away as she was to accept.

"Buffy wouldn't see it like that." Tara said almost silently. She wrapped her arm around her stomach as she felt her own pain hit her again at the Slayer's death. "Would she?" She pushed gently.

"I don't know." Willow felt her throat get tighter as she leaned a little heavier against the glass.

"Yes, you do." Tara insisted moving a little closer. "Never in all the time I was with you, did Buffy ever say or do anything against you. And if she did she hated herself for it and made it up to you a million times over. She would no more want you thinking and feeling these things than she would blame Dawn for her mother's death. Willow…" She reached out and touched her fingertips to Willow's arm.

"If I just had of been smarter..." Willow's voice broke out of her almost closed throat. "If I had just been sooner..." She closed her eyes and thick streams of tears poured out.

"No baby no." Tara couldn't bear to see Willow cry, she never had been able to without thought she moved closer reaching out to the broken redhead.

"I thought it was a biblical quote." Willow's grief threw her into Tara's open arms without even registering what she was doing. "I didn't know, I didn't know." She repeated her regret through heavy sobs.

"Okay, okay darling." Tara soothed stroking Willow's hair. "Let it go. You've held it too long." She whispered, her hands twisting the short curls softly.

Willow felt blinded by two feelings that added up to the complete deconstruction of the wall she'd built around her grief. The first was the warm arms around her, the soft soothing voice that urged her, begged her to let go and promised silently to keep her safe. The second was the sudden overwhelming remembrance that the Slayer was dead, Buffy was dead, her best friend, and the woman who she'd grown up with. The woman who knew her life, knew her memories almost as well as she did, the woman who had been a sister to her, who had been her family.

"Buffy..." She sobbed out the Slayer's name as she blindly fell into her contained grief, her knees buckling as she leaned heavily against the blonde.

Tara held Willow for a long time as she sobbed. So long in fact that the blonde witch watched the sun drop lower on the horizon and the small bright white stars begin to make their appearance. Willow shifted from sobbing to silent exhausted leaning and back to sobbing again as Tara just soothed and comforted her. The time came though when Tara realized she had to do something to stop this, as it was obvious that the redhead could cry forever if she was given the chance.

"Baby." Tara said softly lifting Willow's tear stained face up a little. Willow blinked sore swollen eyes as the soft voice cut through her internal tableau of grief for a moment. "You need to rest. Tell me honestly, how much sleep have you got over the last week?" She asked carefully not mentioning the dreadful event before then.

"Come on." Tara slipped her hand into the redhead's and pulled away from her encouraging her to follow.

"I can't sleep." The hacker objected very weakly as she was lead again up to stand and then out of the living room.

"You can rest." Tara stressed turning right out of the living room door she moved the pair of them down to her own room. She pushed the door open and flicked on the light.

Instead of putting on a central bright light, the light switch lit up four small halogen lights one on each wall. Each of which was shaded with a different colored glass shade. The walls where deep red with a painted boarded of hearts and Celtics symbols in black and gold, the floor boards had been stripped down and stained a deep mahogany brown and placed carefully over them were three thick rugs in deep shades matching the walls and border.

A large queen sized bed dominated the room with a patchwork cover of reds, gold's, blacks, and oranges all different shades and textures, from cotton squares, to velvet stars. There was a simple dresser unit with a gothic mirror back and a sturdy wardrobe with stenciling on the doors. As usual candles, crystals and incense holders littered the free surfaces and a tiny string of fairy lights trailing over the draped window.

The wall behind the bed was filled with artwork pencil sketches and charcoal drawings intermingled with religions icons and ancient fertility symbols, though Tara looked at none of this right now, instead she led Willow straight over to the bed and sat her down on it. She released the redhead's hand and moved round, kneeling on the floor in front of her.

"I can't sleep." The hacker objected again softly through silent tears that still streamed down her face.

Tara said nothing she just worked on unfastening Willow's bootlaces, pulling the secure knot open and loosening the first few crossovers.

"You're going to try." Tara said pulling off Willow's first boot and then starting on the second.

She was about to object again, but Willow found she just didn't have the strength. She silently closed her eyes and sent another spill of tears out onto her cheeks as she let the blonde work. Everything was a blur to her anyway, everything except for the safe haven that Tara provided her as she let go.

Tara pulled the other boot free and then moved back, quickly moving round the other side of the bed, pulling the thick quilted patchwork aside to reveal a black satin under sheet.

For the first time in days Willow's mind stopped all its planning, all its plotting and preparation. For the first time in days she stopped actively hating herself and just thought about Buffy. As the Slayer's name whispered through her head again she felt her already bruised body torn by another sob.

The redhead turned almost totally blinded by the thick sadness that coursed through her body.

"Come on." The blonde patted the soft sheet. "Wanna take your sweater off?" She asked gently.

Willow nodded softly, trying to urge her limbs to work enough to pull the soft wool from her body. At the mention of the covering she suddenly realized how hot her skin felt, like it was on fire though her insides were chilled like ice.

Tara watched pained as Willow struggled with her light sweater. She moved back round the bed and moved her hands to help, sliding up against the thin t-shirt guiding it up over red curls.

"Thank you." Willow's voice was almost silent as she swung her legs up into and laid down curling instantly up into a ball. Tara pulled the quilt back into place and gently smoothed it down.

"Tara, please." Willow turned her head from the soft pillow pleading slightly. "Please..." She looked up with tears clinging heavy to her eyelashes. "Don't go."

Tara stopped still facing away from the bed. She took a slight breath and swallowed. How could she refuse? She couldn't, she knew she couldn't. She turned round and slipped off her own shoes and unfastened her cardigan dropping it on the dresser. She moved to the free side of the bed and slipped into the space.

"Thank you." Willow breathed so overwhelmed again as the blonde realized what she needed before the thought had even come to her. She slowly moved her shaking body over again into Tara's comforting embrace.

The redhead did just that, trying to still the shivers that coursed through her grief racked body with every breath.

Tara whispered her usual serenity enchantment and placed a kiss on Willow's damp hair without thinking.

"No sorries." Tara shook her head, moving her free hand a little to stroke up and down Willow's side again she dropped a light kiss on her ex-lovers head lost in the feelings of familiarity and comfort.

"Loving you." Willow whispered back, feeling a few heartbeats reverberate through her body. Almost expecting the blonde to pull away as she looked up into blue eyes.

"I..." Tara tried to begin, but she looked into sad green eyes and felt years disappear as she focused on the shallow cheeks and soft lips. Unbelievably she bent her head lower until she could feel the heat from the redhead's tear burned cheeks and then she pressed her lips to Willow's damp ones, closing her eyes to the sweetness and pain that the meeting caused.

Willow didn't think, couldn't think, as she pressed back softly, holding on tightly to the body that she was against. Every other thing in the world, in her head, in her heart melted away as she felt the small flares of warmth pass through the blonde's lips into hers.

The hand that smoothed through Willow's short curls, rested lightly on the back of her head and pulled her gently towards her and though part of her told her just to stop this insane move, she couldn't.

Somewhere a part of her mind screamed at Willow for giving into this. She should be stronger, she should be more in control and not do this to Tara, not now with what would happen in the future. But her heart begged for it, pleaded for this one last chance to truly show Tara that she loved her, had never stopped loving her. Her arms slid around the blonde further, holding in a slightly different way, curling into a form that they had not taken in years as she guided the other woman's body into hers.

Tara's body rather than her mind reacted to Willow's move, she melted to her hands shifting their placement slightly her legs shifting against the other woman's. Willow met each of her moves in turn, shifting and adjusting fluidly so that they were as close together as possible. Tara broke the kiss momentarily, before moving her mouth back over Willow's, this time the lips parted.

One of Willow's hands slid gently up into long free flowing blonde as she let the blonde guide the kiss deeper, moving into it with a restrained urgency. Tara slid her hand the full length of Willow's side sliding it low down over the curve of her backside, down onto her thigh as she kissed harder breathing in through her nose as the familiar scent of Willow sparked unavoidable memories and feelings.

Willow kissed harder as well, spurred on by the taste of her old lover's mouth. The still familiar spice of it as she ran fingers through silky blonde and felt soft hands roaming over her. It was as Tara began to drag her hand lazily back across the hackers body that she realized just what she was doing she pulled her mouth from Willow's stopped her hands movement.

The simple sound of her name from Willow's lips almost broke the restraint that Tara had hurried erected around her passion and desire.

"You need rest." The blonde stated trying desperately to cling to what she knew was right despite what she felt.

"I need you." Willow's words came from a part of herself that rarely heard voice. A primal area of her soul, that needed soothing, it needed comfort, things that only the blonde had ever been able to give her.

Tara was more than aware that she had been the controlled one so far during the evening, but it was becoming hard to stay in a position of decision making when her body believed everything her brain suggested. When the basic facts came out, there were only a few things to think on, those being Willow was in pain, and Tara knew how to stop it hurting, at least for a while. What was wrong with that?

Willow leaned in again without thinking, without really seeing the contemplation on the blonde's face. She would hate herself for it later in time. Not being more attuned, not being more attentive, not being more in control. But right now she couldn't find a scrape of control to hang onto as she pressed her lips again to Tara's and deeply kissed her.

The three hundred things 'wrong' with the kiss screamed at Tara, but all of them became muffled as she felt Willow's lips on hers, and her tongue tracing over her mouth. Tara moaned slightly before kissing back opening her mouth under Willow's less than gentle insistence. Tara's hand moved over Willow's side again as they kissed moving the soft cotton t-shirt up a little as she moved.

Willow only found her growing desire spurred on by the soft moan that reverberated into her mouth. She kissed with a slight desperation, fighting a feeling that she wanted to devour the blonde. Devour all of Tara's innate innocence and goodness and protect it from the things that were to come. She felt the cotton of her shirt move away, replaced by warm flesh and the contrast of cool satin.

Tara could not believe how soft Willow's skin felt as she brushed it with her fingertips again. She moaned into the kiss sliding her hand up Willow's side this time beneath the sheer cotton cloth. Tara kept up her reverent exploration of Willow's side her fingertips just grazing the peach like skin she had almost deemed a myth.

Willow's warming hand roamed to the front of Tara's shirt, slowing undoing the buttons that held the crisp white fabric together. The pattern of Willow's thoughts crept away, replaced by the simple firing of sensory neurons as she guided her fingertips over the valleys and curves of silky flesh.

"Ohhh." Tara made the small noise and breathed in sharply though her nose, her mouth too busy with the kiss.

'Soft.' The lone single thoughts processed in the hacker's debilitated mind. 'Softer.' She grazed now heated hands up to cup the soft swells of Tara's breasts. 'Heartbeat.' She pressed her hands in as she massaged, feeling the slight rhythm beating under her quickening.

Tara was bombarded by a million feelings and sensations it was all she could do to keep the smooth stroking rhythm of her hand going, part of her wanted to just lay back and let Willow have her way whatever that entailed. She missed the fire that her touch caused missed her ways her body jumped and flexed with every caress, this was a fire that only Willow could ignite. Tara could feel Willow responding to her body's reaction.

Willow didn't even realize the movements she made, as her hands moved to fulfill touches that they knew on instinct the blonde craved. Palms full against her breasts, not too tight but never absent. Erect nipples carefully caught in the small hollow of webbing between two fingers, so that every motion of her palms teased them. Tara arched her back a little pressing her body forward.

Feeling a sudden urgency in the breathing that pushed back at her in their kiss, Willow pulled her mouth away lowering it down to Tara's neck as she breathed in the heavy scent that hung there. Tasting it off her flesh with long kisses.

Tara shifted both hands around Willow's back and arched her body more exposing her neck to Willow's oral exploration her tight puckered nipples and heated skin betraying her heavy arousal. The redhead pushed in further, running her moistened lips over the witch's collarbone, dipping her tongue into the hollow created there by Tara's arch.

Tara uttered a wordless moan as she felt Willow's tongue and lips her heart beating faster her grip on the redhead's back tightening.

Willow felt her position shift slightly to hand half over the blonde as she pushed the crisp shirt back and off Tara's body. Her eyes drinking in the radiance on her slightly flushed skin. She dipped her head down placing a long kiss in the valley between Tara's breasts before she looked up at her face framed by a wave of blonde hair that sprayed out over the dark satin pillowcase. Leaning up she kissed Tara slowly, drinking her in for a moment, the picture framed in her mind and hung on her own private museum wall as she knew the picture could rival any painted by the masters over the centuries.

Tara took the opportunity to bring her hands to the bottom of Willow's t-shirt she pulled it gently upwards to show the redhead she wanted to remove it. Willow put her arms up to help make the shirts remove easier as it soon was cast aside. Tara could not resist rubbing her thumb lightly of one of Willow's small but perfect nipples as she moved her hand back to its earlier resting place the almost rough texture of the stiffening skin made Tara's body flair. The blonde brought the other hand up back to its place this time drawing the thumb slowly over Willow's breast pressing down a little on the sensitive flesh.

The redhead's body arched forward as she breathed in deeply. Her already fiery flesh seared by the short touch. Her arms keeping her braced above the blonde, Willow shifted herself over Tara fully. Bringing one leg up between Tara's as she shifted herself into a secure state, before dropping her hips down against those of the woman beneath her.

Tara's hips instantly pressed up meeting Willow's with an urgency that surprised her. She trailed her hand down Willow's back, drawing small circles in the dip of her lower back, that was more pronounced with her hips pressed down.

Willow pressed into the arch Tara's hands made her body contract into. Closing her eyes for a moment as she moaned lightly. Tara slid her hand down further, traveling over the softness of Willow's skirt to gently cup her ass pulling her down slightly to her. Willow lowered herself fully down, pressing the exposed flesh of their upper bodies together, breasts pushing into breasts, stomach fluttering against one another, breathing tight and anxious.

Tara gasped and pulled harder. Willow's weight on top of her making her senses explode the softness of flesh on flesh, the rhythmic beating of their hearts, the heat that seared them both already was driving the witch mad inside with lust, passion and love.

Reaching down, Willow struggled a little in the close quarters to undo the closure that rested at Tara's stomach. Reluctantly pulling back a bit as she slid the zipper down and shifting back on her knees she pulled the pants off the blonde.

Again Tara moaned as more of her flesh was revealed to the night air a small part of her brain registered where she was and what she was doing, and an even smaller part hoped that the redhead didn't examine the body she once knew so well too closely all to aware of the changes there had been to it. The majority of her being though just wanted Willow to touch her, feel her, make love to her.

Not wanting to have to part from the body below her again Willow slipped the blonde's sheer silk panties from her body, leaning back a second longer to again snap off a picture in her mind before she leaned back down on top of her. Her body settled in again easily, hips pressing against one another, breath quick and urgent from the heated state of their bodies.

Tara wrapped her arms around Willow's slim body and spread her fingers over the heated skin.

The redhead again lowered her lips to the blonde's flesh. Pressing them into the warm skin over the blonde's heart, needing to feel the throb hiding within her ribcage.

"Oohh." Tara moaned hotly as her mind lost all thread of sense and control her hands moved low and pushed up Willow's skirt. Tara's moan soon sounded in Willow's head like the thick baseline of a long lost concerto, and she played her lips across the generous swell of flesh.

The blonde witch shifted slightly, placing her hands against the cotton of Willow's panties increasing the pressured grip on the redhead's firm buttocks. Willow was barely aware of the fabric that still remained wrapped around her lower body, only registering it because it kept her from feeling the blonde completely. Kept her from pressing their forms together as she had often done, kept her from completing the joining she had always enjoyed so utterly. Her lips and tongue played over attentive flesh as a thin layer of want pooled on the blonde's skin.

Insistently Tara slipped her hands beneath the cotton and placed them full on the small round cheeks, her short trimmed fingernails pressing against the peach soft skin.

"Umm." Willow moaned pushing her hips tighter against the blonde. The feel of such familiar hands on her lonely skin made a shot of heady pleasure rush down to add another wave to the ocean between her legs.

Willow's moan filled Tara's senses the way it always used too, flooding her body with a flush of yearning.

"Please." Tara urged pulling on Willow's ass moving the other woman against her skin pressing her heated center against redhead's bundled up skirt.

Willow closed her mouth around one of the blonde's attentive nipples as she squeezed her hand down between their tight bodies. Her hand lingered for just a second before it entered the blonde. Just a heartbeat as a thousand memories were rekindled by the blonde's specific radiated temperature, by the unique humidity that hung to her body and by the electricity Willow felt run into her hand as it moved closer.

Tara tensed and relaxed her lower body as she felt with bliss Willow's presence. The blonde's tone told her that Tara was more than ready, as she slipped her fingers inside slowing. Her nimble digits met with an environment of pure hot liquid.

Tara knew that her release was going to be more or less instant as Willow touched her. How many nights alone had she spent dreaming of this, picturing this in her mind and yet even in this state of heady pleasure Tara knew that something wasn't right about it. But her resolve wavered as she felt the shadows and memories of the past build up, Willow had been the one lover that Tara had had who literally haunted both her body and her mind and she was powerless.

The redhead's hand didn't say idle for even as second as she curled her thumb up, pushing the padding of it flat into the base of the blonde's clit as she entered her with two fingers. Tara had no words she just pushed her hips against Willow's hand, her hands gripping Willow's skin over and over as pleasure surged through her.

Willow closed her eyes, as everything became detail: the taste and volume of the flesh in her mouth as she sucked and licked in rhythm to the blonde's heartbeat. The flush of liquid around her hand as internal muscles gripped slightly before giving way with each of her thrusts. The growing rigidity in the nerves under her thumb as its swirling caused them to engorge with blood.

Tara shuddered, her vision losing clarity, her blood thumping through her veins and the fire burning down her stomach all broadcast loudly to the blonde witch that she was about to topple over the edge. With an incoherent cry Tara let herself go allowing the oblivion of orgasm claim her, relying on Willow to sense her needs and desires and to bring her down again like she always used to. Willingly Tara placed her body in Willow's hands and let go of the reigns

Willow heard the impassioned cries of the body beneath her and on instinct began to slow her movements. She lingered inside the blonde still for a while as her thumb gently moved in a much softer pace. Pulling out the last tendrils of release that she could from the blonde's tense body.

Tara slid her hands from their resting-place and placed them over Willow's back lovingly, her breathing adjusting itself slowly. With a tender movement Willow removed her hand and moved it up to cradle the blonde in her arms.

Tara reached up and twisted a red curl around her finger her body still filled with sensual sensations but suddenly feeling intensely tired.

"Sleep beautiful one." Willow held her tight and whispered the soft words pulling the blankets up over them.

With a sudden glare of alarm Tara realized why she was so tired, the serenity enchantment was exercise stimulated, to be stronger in force if it sensed activity in those supposed to be resting. With this realization came another that being the reality of where she was what had happened to lead her here.

"Ssssh." Willow brushed a soft hand over her back and tried to quell the slight change she felt.

'Oh Tara what have you done.' Was the blonde's last coherent thought as the spell took the last of her resistance away and she drifted to sleep.

Willow watched the blonde's eyes drift closed and she kissed her softly on the forehead.

"I love you." She whispered though she knew the words were lost as she let her own eyes close and drifted asleep fully for the first time since the horror had begun.

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The Letting Go

by The Rainbow Writers

Copyright © 2003

rainbowwriters@hotmail.com