Stones in the Road by Willow's Boo

Rating: R
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon is laughing even as I write this. Loudly.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse http://mysticmuse.net
Just let me know.
Feedback: Isn't that the loud noise a microphone makes? I wasn't going to attempt this fic unless I could make it believable. So yell at me.
Spoilers: Season 7 Bring on the Night, but after Selfless.
Dedication: To Jamie, for her feedback, insights and inspiration.
Pairing: Willow/Buffy

"Listen! You hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, high upon the strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin,
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in." - Matthew Arnold

Buffy shook her head and turned around, almost laughing out loud. How many times had she done this? Forgetting to bring a stake on patrol was something to laugh at. She passed Willow's door and noticed that it wasn't shut all the way, but that's not what made her pause. As soft as the sound was, a Slayer possessed exceptional hearing and Willow couldn't hide her muffled crying from Buffy by hiding her face in her pillow.

Slowly raising her hand, Buffy froze, wincing, unable to force her hand to knock upon the door. She waited, her hand held still before her, slowly forcing in a deep breath. Another cry, sharper this time...and Buffy took a step away from the door, glancing down the hall to her bedroom. Closing her eyes, taking in another breath, Buffy softly rapped on Willow's door.

The room was quiet. Willow lay still in the dim light cast from the hallway. And Buffy stood there, listening. She stepped into the room and tiptoed over to the bed, gently pulling the blanket up to cover Willow. Still leaning over her, she was torn between wanting to comfort her with a hug and not wanting to disturb her.

"I love you," whispered Buffy, wishing her words were enough to help Willow heal, to forget. No, not to forget. To help Willow cope, to move on. To live again.

Buffy slowly closed the door behind her, eyes focused on her best friend until the door shut, knowing that Willow was only pretending to be asleep. And understanding why.

The top of the gravestone was almost half covered with small stones and pebbles now. More there than the last time she had visited. And she wondered if grief flowed out of your heart as you tenderly placed each stone upon that cold slab, wondered if there were enough stones to ever ease the pain.

Buffy stood there, alone, not really focusing on the grave but simply remembering. In the silence and stillness of the night she suddenly felt that being here was more of an intrusion instead of a visit but she just as quickly pushed that idea aside. Rolling the small stone she held in her hand between her fingers, Buffy stood there and with a slight breath that puffed out her cheeks shook her head.

Her body tensed and she tilted her head, listening, knowing she wasn't alone. Buffy frowned at being disturbed but as she turned her frown faded and she almost allowed herself to smile. Almost.

Willow glanced at the grave but only briefly and then, smiling softly, looked at Buffy.

"Still, you know I worry about you being alone out here at night. I bet you don't even have a cross on you," admonished Buffy.

"Oh. Right," nodded Buffy, understanding. She looked away, once again feeling like she was intruding, that she didn't belong.

"Really, I can protect myself. Still, thanks for the worry. It's nice. Having someone worry. About me," added Willow awkwardly.

Buffy turned and faced her again but Willow didn't look at her. Buffy bit her lower lip and followed Willow's gaze to the grave.

"The stones. That's a nice tradition. Is it...I mean, can I?" asked Buffy, opening her hand to show Willow the stone in her palm.

Willow nodded towards the grave, encouraging Buffy. Buffy looked down at the stone she held and then quickly, as if embarrassed, added her stone to the others Willow had placed there.

Willow took in a deep breath and sadly smiled. They stood there for a moment, neither one speaking, each lost in their own thoughts. Buffy glanced at Willow out of the corner of her eye but Willow saw her.

"Right. Guess that's why we've spent so much time talking since I got back. As in not. Because it's not a good time," sighed Willow.

"I only meant...what I wanted to say, it, it isn't appropriate. Not here," struggled Buffy.

"Okay, okay, stop twisting my arm. I was kinda jealous," said Buffy, watching Willow to see how she would react.

"Yeah," answered Buffy quickly. She slipped her hands into the pockets of her jacket.

"Um, no. Well...I mean no, of course not. Not of Tara. But of what you two had. And I'm not explaining this all that well," frowned Buffy.

"Your relationship with her. That was...special. Way more than just physical. Not that I'm dissing the physical, mind you," warned Buffy playfully, causing Willow to grin. "But I never had that connection. Not like that. Not even with Angel."

Willow was about to disagree but something in Buffy's eyes made her reconsider, a distance between them that wasn't there a moment ago.

"Hey, after all the suffering I've gone through with men, maybe I should see what all this girl on girl action is all about. Seems like it's easier on the heart," laughed Buffy unenthusiastically. But then she looked up at Willow, suddenly horrified at what she had said.

"Oh God, I'm sorry! Will, that came out all wrong! I didn't mean to...I'm sorry, I know you're still hurting. It's not easier for you..."

Willow smiled at Buffy and Buffy stood up a little straighter, now completely confused.

"Thanks for the visual. You, girl on girl action...need I go on?" teased Willow. Buffy's face became red.

Willow looked away once and then looked back at Buffy. Kneeling down, she dug a stone out of her pocket and placed it on top of the gravestone. Pausing for a moment, she placed two fingers to her lips and then touched the cold surface of the polished granite. Her eyes were moist but she blinked back the tears before they could take hold. Bowing her head, Willow stood.

"How about walking me home? Not that I can't take care of myself, but I'd like the company," said Willow.

"I'd like that," nodded Buffy, holding out her hand. Willow hesitated for a moment but then smiled and slipped her hand into Buffy's. They walked away but didn't say anything. And for now they didn't have to. Willow squeezed Buffy's hand a little tighter, taking comfort in the touch, the warmth of her skin.

It had been a very long time since anyone had simply touched her and Willow's smile quickly vanished. Buffy's touch brought back a wave of guilt, both of what Willow had done and of things left unsaid between them. Willow frowned, wondering if she had the courage within her to actually talk to her best friend.

"Better. Won't be doing situps any time soon, what with the tenderness and, well, the tenderness. But better. And there won't even be a scar," added Willow happily.

"Yeah...but that's only partly true. I couldn't have done it without your help."

"Oh yeah. Meditating with you, drawing on your strength...let's just say the Energizer Bunny ain't got nothin' on you, girl," grinned Willow.

"I'm glad I could help," smiled Buffy proudly. "And the whole meditating thing...that was, that was nice. Haven't taken the time to do that in, well, I can't remember when!"

"It, um, wasn't too...hmm, what's the word? Intense? It wasn't, you know...intense...was it?" asked Willow awkwardly. "I did ask if you were sure you wanted to help, but you might not have realized how, oh, intimate that sorta connection can be?"

"I'm sorry! I should've...see, again with the not talking. You didn't know and, and..."

"Nope," answered Buffy without hesitation. "Didn't mind it a bit. In fact, since you said you couldn't sleep, why don't we try it again when we get back? I'd like to help with the healing...anyway I can."

"Aren't you going to patrol? Kinda early for you to turn in," reminded Willow, glancing up at the stars.

Buffy squeezed Willow's hand. And Willow gripped it tighter in return. But she had to turn her head, not wanting Buffy to see the tears welling up at the corners of her eyes.

"Oh. Sorry. Dry humor, dry subject, hence my missing the sarcasm. Too much alike."

"You want some help with that? You probably haven't had that in a while and I kinda know what's going on. We just talked about it in class recently."

"We still talking about math?" asked Willow with a straight face. Dawn blinked twice and opened her mouth but no words came out. Her face suddenly turned red, eliciting a stifled laugh from Willow.

"It's okay, Dawnie, I think I can handle this. It's mostly review. Just like riding a bike."

"Although..." began Willow with an evil grin. Dawn's face wasn't red this time. Instead she looked a little pale. Once again she opened her mouth to speak but instead just nervously looked away.

"I guess I am," agreed Willow. Dawn hesitated once but then reached over and slowly pushed Willow's book down onto the table.

"Okay is a good word for it. I have my bad days and then I have my, well, not so bad days. Helps if I keep busy. Real busy," shrugged Willow.

"Oh. So you, um, still think about it. A lot," said Dawn as gently as she could.

"You know that old saying, the one that says when someone you love is no longer with you, a part of them stays with you forever? Well, that's a crock."

"They're just gone and there's nothing that stays with you 'cept a big aching hole where your heart was," sighed Willow.

"Oh! You thought...I mean, I was...oh," winced Dawn, fidgeting in her chair. Willow's eyes opened a bit wider.

"Well, um, I kinda sorta did or, or was," frowned Dawn, rubbing her suddenly sweaty palms against her pants. Willow closed the book shut and leaned back in her chair.

"That's not true," protested Dawn weakly. It was Willow's turn to roll her eyes.

"No. No, not at all," replied Willow in her best comforting tone. "In fact you'd be a crazy person if you didn't. And thanks for not trying to lie to me."

"Dawn, sometimes, to use your word...sometimes, I'm afraid of me. Maybe even a little more than sometimes. And I would be a crazy person if I wasn't. I have this power within me now and I know Buffy's gonna need my help. Something bad is coming. She'd never ask me, but I know she can't fight this alone. I just hope I can help."

"Maybe this will help," said Dawn, squirming a moment as she dug something out of her pants pocket. She looked into her hand, looked up at Willow and then gently placed the object on the table between them.

"Yeah. You left it by the sink last night, after doing the dishes. Soooo...what is it?"

Dawn stared at the pink and polished surface of the stone, a small but perfect oval just slightly larger than her thumbnail.

"You take something that belongs to a witch without asking and only now wonder what it could be?" whispered Willow menacingly.

"Well, I, I just didn't want you to lose it. Besides, if said witch is on the wagon than I shouldn't have a reason to be afraid of...of whatever that is. Right?" cringed Dawn.

"You sure you're still on the wagon as far as stealing things?" teased Willow, trying to hide her smile.

"You might say that," nodded Willow, reaching across the table to pick up the stone. "It's very powerful."

"Couldn't find a picture of it in any of the magic books you have hidden under your bed?" asked Willow, watching Dawn intently for her reaction. As expected, Dawn froze.

"I, um, well, no I couldn't...hey, wait a minute! What are you doing snooping around in my room?" challenged Dawn indignantly.

Willow ignored her and began to rub the stone between her thumb and forefinger. She answered Dawn without looking up at her.

"She found them when she was vacuuming. She asked me about them, wanted to know if she should be worried about them. Or you," added Willow, still rubbing the stone, her eyes now on Dawn.

"She doesn't have anything to worry about. I was just curious, you know?" said Dawn, now watching Willow's hand, the one holding the stone.

"That's what I told her. Give her a little credit for not confronting you about it. She's doing okay in my book as far as being your...guardian," said Willow, carefully choosing not to use the word mom. "And you were right, this is a talisman."

"Well, I'll skip all the Latin. In layman's terms you would call it a worrystone," smiled Willow.

"Yep. Something nervous people use as an outlet for their...for their nervousness. It's made from rose quartz."

"I hear that stone has healing powers," ventured Dawn. Willow smiled at her comment. Dawn had been studying.

"So I've heard. Though I'm beginning to have some serious doubts about that," sighed Willow.

"Not sure why I keep this now. One of my teachers at the coven in England gave it to me. Though I do like the simple message it implies," smiled Willow warmly.

"This stone started out with rough edges. As time passed, the edges became smooth. Takes a long time, but eventually..."

"Just like someone who's hurting, someone who...well, it's kinda lame, I guess, but time heals all wounds."

"I thought the saying was time wounds all heels," said Dawn with a straight face, though she soon started to giggle.

"Only to those who hold on to the past," whispered Willow. Dawn stopped laughing, hoping she hadn't hurt Willow's feelings.

"Hey, I know, you can start now," said Dawn, reaching across the table to open a newspaper in front of Willow. Glancing up at Dawn in confusion, Willow followed Dawn's finger as she pointed at an article.

"For the third time in two weeks a local funeral parlor has been broken into," read Willow out loud. "As before, Police aren't speculating on a motive but will admit they're not sure if the crimes are related. Nothing of value seems to have been taken in all three incidents so they are unsure what the thieves were after."

"Don't you see? Buffy needs to focus on the more serious stuff as the Slayer. Little things like this just waste her time or cause her unnecessary worry," explained Dawn.

Willow glanced at the paper and then back up at Dawn, even more confused than before.

"Willow, we should check this out so Buffy doesn't have to. Come on, this is Sunnydale. Don'tcha think this is a little odd? If it involves dead people it can't be good, especially in Sunnydale!"

"Willow, you said you liked to keep busy, right? And we'll go during the day, right after school, so it'll be safe."

Willow glanced back at the paper, becoming intrigued by the mystery but concerned about Dawn as well.

"Okay. But we don't tell her about this," warned Willow. Dawn nodded her agreement, grinning ear to ear.

"Sounds like a plan," nodded Willow reluctantly. "I'll check the net today, see if the police are holding back information."

"And I'll tell Buffy I'm going over Janice's house. Meet me in front of the school?"

"Tell ya what, why don't I meet you in front of Janice's house? That way we're not exactly lying," suggested Willow.

"Just wondering if you're doing anything Saturday night," said Kit, finally catching up with Dawn.

"Me? On a Saturday night?" laughed Dawn. And then she realized how pathetic that sounded. "I, um, I mean, I'm not sure yet. Don't have any definite plans or anything. But it's not like I'm going to stay home. It's like, well, Saturday night, ya know?"

"Exactly! I know I'm asking this on short notice but do you wanna go to a party?"

"Oh, um, wow that's...that'll be great. Where is it?" asked Dawn, immediately thinking of what she would tell her sister and wondering how much begging would be involved to convince Buffy to let her go.

"Over at Carlos' house. I already asked him if you could come and he thought it was a great idea. I mean, how could he say no after you helped us get out of the basement, right?" smiled Kit.

"Great. I'll come by your house around eight o'clock and we'll walk there together, okay?"

"No big. I have study hall and Mr. Miller doesn't mind if you're late. He's cool that way," smiled Kit.

"Oh. You know, it's really nice of Carlos' parents to let him have a party," said Dawn, turning to leave. "I know Buffy wouldn't let me..."

"Don't be silly! His parents won't be home. Why do you think he's having the party?" laughed Kit. "Bye."

Buffy pushed the door open, surprised to find it unlocked. Dawn had told her she was stopping over a friend's house later and Willow should still be in class. She stepped inside and quietly closed the door behind her, turning at the sound of muffled crying. It was coming from the couch in the living room. Tiptoeing closer, she saw Willow on her side, curled up in a fetal position.

Startled, Willow looked up and wiped her eyes as she struggled into a sitting position.

"Nothing," answered Willow quickly, shaking her head and sniffing. "I must've dozed off. Had another..."

"I had a bad dream, that's all," sighed Willow, shrugging as if to show how silly she was acting.

"Will, Giles told me you were still having nightmares. It's...understandable, you know?" consoled Buffy.

"Sure. I mean, it's not like I don't deserve 'em," replied Willow without looking at Buffy.

"Willow," whispered Buffy, getting her attention. Willow sniffed once and turned her red and puffy eyes timidly towards Buffy.

Willow's lower lip quivered and she stared at Buffy without blinking. She saw herself slowly reaching out her hand, touching Buffy's fingers...Buffy following with her eyes but not moving...clasping her hand, raising her friend's warm palm and pressing it against her cheek, comforted by something so simple as a touch...

"It's going to take some time, but you'll get there. I promise you. Just...let me help, okay?"

Buffy hesitated, watching her, but Willow again wouldn't meet her eyes. With a silent sigh she stood, took a few steps...and then stopped. She turned around and once again sat down next to Willow, only closer to her this time. And Willow did look at her, eyes betraying her nervousness.

"I can't imagine what you're going through. No one can. But last year, when I came back, I was messed up for a long time. A very long time. So I know what it feels like to be hurting and to be alone."

Buffy paused, watching Willow as she chewed on her lower lip. But Willow didn't turn away.

"I'll make you a deal. You can put on your brave face with everyone else. But when you're alone, with me, I just want you to be Willow. It'll be our little secret, okay? I, I just wanna help. Okay?" winced Buffy, hoping Willow wouldn't look away.

Willow took in a deep breath, her body shaking with the effort. Her eyes teared up but she fought for control. Very slowly she reached out her hand, touching Buffy's fingers. Buffy followed with her eyes but didn't move. Clasping her hand into her own, Willow raised Buffy's palm and pressed it against her cheek, gasping as it touched her skin. She shut her eyes tight, pressing her hand desperately to her.

Without opening her eyes Willow knew that her friend had opened her arms to her and she eagerly sought the embrace, crushing Buffy to her, no longer able to hold back her tears. Buffy held on to her tightly, letting her cry. Something as simple as a touch, the need to be held.

Hesitating at first, Buffy began to rub Willow's back, comforting her, soothing her. The same way Tara had rubbed Buffy's back when she had broke down and confessed about Spike. The way Tara must have touched Willow so many times before. And Willow continued to cry...but her body didn't tremble as it did before. As if her body recognized the familiar.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Buffy came home early and I, um, I had to make up some excuse to get out of the house," apologized Willow.

"Oh. Does she suspect anything?" asked Dawn as they began walking away from Janice's house.

"Buffy always suspects something, Dawn. But I think we covered our tracks. Was Janice even home?" asked Willow, shifting the books she carried from one arm to the other.

"Yep. I told her I forgot to write down a homework assignment. She did wonder why I just didn't call her," frowned Dawn. "So, net-girl, find out anything?"

"Not really," sighed Willow. "Only thing that seems to be missing is a single bottle of embalming fluid."

"It gets better. When the last funeral parlor told police about the missing bottle, they went back to the other two involved in the break- ins and only then did the owners realize that they were also missing embalming fluid. Only the thieves didn't take a bottle, they simply took some," said Willow. "Like half a bottle."

"Huh. Meaning that's what they were after because they must've brought a bottle to pour it into. But why such small amounts? Seems like they didn't want anyone to know what they took," said Dawn.

"Exactly," agreed Willow. "Why not just rob one funeral home and take a whole bunch of the stuff unless they wanted it to go unnoticed? And why such small amounts?"

"We hit the books, see if we can find a demon that needs embalming fluid," replied Willow, raising the books she carried so that Dawn could see them.

"Well, think about it. What's embalming fluid used for? I think we should see if there's been any graves broken into recently," smiled Dawn excitedly.

"You mean...someone's taking body parts to...to do what exactly?" asked Willow doubtfully.

"Um, well...okay, so I haven't really thought this through all the way," frowned Dawn. "And, um, I guess dug up bodies would have already had embalming fluid in them. Sorry."

"No, that's good. I like the way you think. Shows that you're open to most anything being possible in Sunnydale."

"It's just...well, I had this whole story made up, where I was going to pretend to be doing a story for school newspaper on crime in Sunnydale and, and...okay, so maybe it was dumb," sighed Dawn.

"No, that's not bad. We'll make a full-fledged Scooby out of you yet," smiled Willow.

"Yep. In fact, I think you're ready for one of the initiations into the gang," mentioned Willow cryptically.

"Yep. You can carry the research materials," said Willow proudly, handing her the books.

"Ah, I remember the good old days when Xander had his initiation into the gang. He carried my books for three weeks," winked Willow. "Of course, back then I had a crush on him."

"Xander? He never did. Wouldn't know a girl was interested in him unless she stood nekkid in front of him," said Willow, her words surprisingly mingled with bitterness.

"Let's just say it's someplace quiet where we won't be bothered by anyone," answered Willow cryptically.

Buffy gently eased the door open, peering in at her friend, smiling when she saw her sleeping peacefully. Willow was holding a pillow tightly against herself...holding a pillow...Buffy winced, realizing how deeply Willow still missed Tara. Stepping into the room, she reached over and pulled the blanket up over Willow's shoulders. She stirred once but didn't wake.

Tiptoeing quietly away, Buffy closed the door behind her and walked over to Dawn's door, listening. She tried not to laugh when she heard her sister snoring. Satisfied that everyone was safe and in bed, Buffy went to her room, took out her earrings, pulled her hair free of its ponytail, shaking it loose. Looking at her reflection in her dresser mirror, Buffy stared at the bed behind her. Her empty bed.

Feeling restless, Buffy got another stake from her top drawer and once again headed out to patrol.

"How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me, hey,
This kind of trouble's only just begun
That's why it hurts so bad to hear
The words that keep on falling from your mouth
Tell me why...
I may be mad, I may be blind, I may be viciously unkind,
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times that you'd be better off...
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Tell me why
You don't know what I feel" - Annie Lennox

Sunnydale at night was rarely quiet but tonight was an exception. Even the Bronze had closed early. Buffy stood motionless in the shadows of some downtown alley, her breath slow and even, listening, the stillness of the darkness around her revealing nothing. This alley looked very much like any other downtown and even to the Slayer they all began to look alike. Yet Buffy was comfortable in these familiar surroundings. More than comfortable, she knew that she belonged here. And Buffy pondered that thought.

Did she feel a part of this because it was her home turf that she defended? That it was her calling, her destiny? Or...was it the night? Could she separate the Slayer from the night?

His whispered words came back to her, so powerful that she could swear she could feel him standing behind her, what he told her touching her like his hand, caressing her flesh, making her flinch yet only wanting more. Buffy closed her eyes and pressed her back to the brick wall behind her, inhaling sharply as the cold of the stone penetrated her thin jacket.

"You see...you try to be with them...but you always end up in the dark...with me. What would they think of you...if they found out...all the things you've done? If they knew...who you really were? That's not your world. You belong in the shadows... with me."

His invitation chilled her more than the cold brick she leaned against now. Was that why she had hurt him, had used him, had...

Buffy winced, reliving what she had done, that same anger rising again because...because he never understood how close to the truth his words had been.

And now he had a soul. Because of her. No, even worse, the image of his tormented face bitterly stinging, he had sought out his soul for her, not because of her.

She opened her eyes, only now seeing the stake she gripped so tightly in her hand, not even remembering withdrawing it from her jacket. Buffy opened her hand to let the weapon slip free from her fingers yet changed her mind even before it fell. With a disgusted sigh she thrust the stake back into her jacket and pushed away from the wall. More frustrated than angry now, she lashed out at a stone by her feet, sending it bouncing down the alley.

The stone echoed loudly off the alley walls, shattering the silence that had been as much a part of her surroundings as the night itself. It came to rest beyond the end of the alley, on the broken and cracked sidewalk...right at his feet. Buffy blinked once, twice, then realized she wasn't alone.

Spike stared at her, his eyebrows slightly raised in surprise but his pale face empty of emotion. Buffy hesitated, took a step forward, then stopped. Their eyes met briefly but Spike looked away first, his shoulders slumping.

"Spike," whispered Buffy, her voice uncomfortably loud in the distance between them.

Spike looked up and once again they simply stared at one another. This time Buffy looked away first. His face betrayed no emotion, but his eyes...

His eyes. So full of pain, of sadness, yet they held no anger, no malice towards her.

Buffy turned, watching the sunrise paint the morning clouds in shades of pink and blue. A part of her relaxed, knowing that she could now rest with the dawn of a new day. Yet another part of her, deeper within and darker, was sad that the hunt was over for another night.

Buffy unlocked her front door, smiling at finding it locked. She quietly made her way up the stairs, suddenly feeling very tired. Collapsing on top of her bed without taking her clothes off, Buffy quickly fell asleep.

Buffy opened her eyes, unsure of what had startled her out of such a deep sleep. And then she heard it again. A thump. As if something heavy had been dropped onto the floor. Something like...like a body? Buffy sprang out of bed and bounded down the stairs two at a time, hearing voices coming from the basement. She paused for a moment to listen, mad at herself for not checking on Dawn before running down here.

"See, I'm a carpenter and this is wood. Wood and I have an understanding. So if I say this will hold the weight of the bag..."

"Uh, no. I meant take a nail and scratch some lines in it. It'll give the glue something more to hold onto," explained Xander.

"Morning, Buffy! Um, I uh, hope we didn't wake you," winced Willow, hiding something behind her back.

Buffy sat down on the bottom step and slowly surveyed the room. Xander was half standing, half hiding behind a heavy punching bag hanging from a hook in the ceiling. Dawn was sitting cross-legged on a padded mat on the floor in the corner and Willow was just standing in the middle of the room with her hands behind her back.

"Well, uh, like Willow said, it's a surprise, a, um, present. With the glory days of the Magic Box a thing of the past, you needed a new place to work out. I salvaged some of the stuff and made a few new additions. Like that cabinet over there," pointed Xander. "Thought you could store weapons in it, or..."

"Xander! Glory days? Not exactly a good choice of words, you know?" scolded Dawn.

"Oh. Right," grimaced Xander. "Sorry. Anyway, we're not quite done but, well, you get the idea. Ceiling isn't really high enough to throw weapons. Maybe knives, but I'd go easy with the axes."

"And see? You can use the exercise mat for, okay, exercise. Hence the name. But you can meditate down here too. It's quiet. Or usually is," frowned Willow.

"Hey, this whole thing was my idea!" protested Dawn. "You guys were all 'I don't know, maybe we should ask', blah, blah, blah. I had to talk you into it. Buffy needs to work out."

"Yeah, she's right. But we didn't need much convincing. Dawn had me at sweaty Slayer. Um, you know, that didn't come out right," winced Willow, her face turning red.

"Thanks. I love you guys. But couldn't you have done this, oh, I don't know, say in the afternoon when certain people aren't sleeping?" sighed Buffy.

"So that's why Dawn has been doing the laundry! She was hoping I wouldn't come down here. And here I thought you were genuinely trying to help out," glared Buffy.

"Speaking of secrets, Willow, what are you hiding behind your back?" asked Buffy.

"I know there's a vase around here somewhere, just haven't found it yet," shrugged Willow.

"See, this was Dawn's idea and Xander did most...okay, almost all of the work. I just wanted to contribute, you know? And no one's given you flowers in a while," sighed Willow, holding the flowers out towards Buffy. She took them, inhaling the sweet scent as she tried not to think about how long it actually had been since she last got flowers.

"Thanks," whispered Buffy as she hugged Willow. "And you know you contribute around here."

"Uh, guys? Hold on. We have time. And there's something I need to tell you. About Spike," announced Buffy. Xander and Dawn immediately frowned but Willow didn't react.

"Spike, he's different now. He knows what he did was wrong. That's why he left," said Buffy, looking down at the floor.

Buffy took in a deep breath and slowly looked at each of them, deliberately making eye contact.

"Oh, please! Just because he says...Buffy, how can you trust him?" shouted Xander.

"I didn't say I trusted him. I said I believed him," said Buffy firmly. She stared at Xander until, shaking his head, he looked away.

"Well. Just thought you should know. Puts things in a different light, don'tcha think?"

"I'll be in the car," said Xander as he walked away, avoiding Buffy's empty stare.

"I've been invited to a party on Saturday night. Me. Dawn no-social- life Summers, invited somewhere! And I really wanna go. Could you, um, run it by Buffy sometime today, let her know how important this is to me? I'll even keep doing the laundry!" promised Dawn.

"Oh, I'm going with Kit and it's at Carlos Trejo's house. I'll even spend the night at Kit's house so no one has to come and get me. Please! Think of what you were doing at my age," pleaded Dawn.

"Hmm. I'm betting there'll be boys and booze at this party," said Willow knowingly.

"Sure, I'll soften her up. But you have to ask. I won't do that for you and it's not my decision to make," said Willow.

"Yeah. Hey, what do we do next about our research? Kinda came up with a big ole zero with the books."

"I don't know. Guess I could ask our resident ex-demon Anya for advice," sighed Willow with trepidation.

"Does it ever get an easier? Any less complicated?" sighed Buffy, talking to herself as she walked among the trees. Tired of cemeteries, she had sought out Miller's Woods if only to change her routine. And it had been a long time since she had patrolled here.

"What is it about relationships? Is it me? Would things have been any different if I wasn't the Slayer? Oh, don't even go there!" laughed Buffy, slapping a hand to her forehead.

A cloud passed in front of the moon and the shadows of the trees grew deeper until they merged with the dark of the night. Buffy's mood darkened as well. She thrust her hands into the pockets of the thin windbreaker she wore, something she rarely did on patrol. Better to keep your hands free, ready to fight, ready to react. But the cool night air chilled her and her thoughts distracted her.

"And now he's got a soul," whispered Buffy, shaking her head. She stopped walking and looked up at the sky.

No answer came with Buffy's question. If anything the night seemed even quieter now.

"You guys send me prophetic dreams, portents with cryptic messages, reveal foreshadowing in dusty old tomes...how about dropping me a sign, a subtle hint, a breadcrumb. Come on! You can't be that busy!"

Buffy was knocked facedown into the ground, her arms pinned against her sides by strong arms. Instinctively she used her attacker's momentum and rolled forward, breaking free of his grasp. The vampire growled as she sprang to her feet. Turning, its hands gripped her throat. Smashing her foot down on his instep, Buffy forced her arms beneath his arms and once again broke his hold, grabbing him by the shoulders.

"You know, it's awfully rude to interrupt some when they're talking, even if it is to herself."

Buffy leaned back and rolled, pulling the vampire with her and kicking him upwards with her feet. The vampire smacked into a tree behind them...and exploded into ash. Still kneeling, Buffy stared at the broken branch that had punctured the vampire's heart.

Buffy stood and brushed herself off, glancing up warily at the sky above just as the moon once again emerged from behind the clouds.

Willow kicked the door closed behind her while peering over the two bags of groceries in her arms and trying to keep her balance. Heading towards the kitchen she passed the living room...and then backed up, standing motionless at what she saw.

"Oh. Well, that's...Buffy, you sure you feel okay? It's only eight o'clock and you're already in your pajamas."

"Yep. Dawn's sleeping over a friend's house tonight so I thought we could have a girl's night in. As opposed to out," added Buffy.

"Don't worry. It's a slow night undead-wise. I made a quick pass earlier. So go put those groceries on the counter for now and get into your PJs. Got us a video to watch. Already made the popcorn!" beamed Buffy.

"Uh-huh. And I'm guessing that pink stuff in that pitcher isn't Kool Aid," said Willow.

"Cosmo...cosmopolitans? Isn't that basically a vodka martini with a little cranberry for color?" winced Willow.

"Oh boy," whispered Willow to herself as she headed for the kitchen. She eased the bags onto the counter and pulled out a container of ice cream, the only perishable to worry about, and tossed it into the back of the freezer. Digging into her pocket, Willow dumped her change onto the counter, knowing Dawn always needed quarters for the vending machine at school.

She hadn't realized that she had also pulled out her worrystone with the change. Willow picked it up, her thumb gliding over its smooth surface in a practiced circular motion. Turning, she leaned back to peer around the corner, smiling when she saw Buffy tossing kernels of popcorn into the air and trying to catch them, somewhat unsuccessfully, with her mouth.

Exhaling a silent sigh, Willow held the polished stone in her palm, staring at it.

After one last reassuring caress with her thumb, Willow slipped the stone into her pocket and bounded up the stairs two at a time.

"Okay, I'll admit that popcorn representing salty goes better with a cosmo than chocolate representing sweet. But only if you'll admit that the bunny slippers are overkill," smiled Buffy over the rim of her glass.

"But I like my bunny slippers!" complained Willow, looking at her feet. "And, you know, bonus points for Anya being afraid of them."

"Nah. Two pissed off chicks drive off a cliff. Big dummies shoulda turned around and kicked some male ass or at least slapped 'em up side the head," giggled Buffy.

"Nah, not really. Though I'm not downplaying my issues with the opposite sex. My nose is tingly," said Buffy, looking cross-eyed at her nose. "Does your nose get tingly when you drink?"

"No, I don't think so. Sometimes my teeth get numb," replied Willow, causing Buffy to laugh. They each took another sip from their glasses.

"No, I meant you. Did you want to say something to me? Because a few times tonight I thought you were going to say...something. And then the subject got changed or, or it never came up," frowned Willow.

Buffy took a deep breath and another sip from her drink, then finally looked Willow in the eye.

"Yeah, I did want to talk. About me, if that's okay," sighed Buffy uncomfortably.

"Of course it's okay! It's more than okay, it's perfectly okay!" added Willow, scooting over to sit closer next to her. Buffy put her drink down on the table and Willow, puzzled, did the same.

"Yes. No...I don't know," shrugged Buffy, shaking her head. Willow waited a moment but didn't say anything. Then she reached over and held Buffy's hand, getting the requisite smile as expected.

"I need to say some stuff. Out loud. Maybe more for me to hear than you. But I'm glad you're here," added Buffy.

"So I need you to listen, to smile in the appropriate places and, well, maybe most of all, to be honest with me."

"Of course!" agreed Willow, letting go of Buffy's hand but then reaching around her back to rest her hand on Buffy's hip. Buffy almost smiled, looked down and slowly inhaled through her nose, working up the courage to continue. Again Willow didn't say anything. When Buffy looked up she was immediately calmed by Willow's expression, a softness that conveyed not unwanted sympathy but the implicit trust only a best friend could give.

"I've been the Slayer for a long time, longer than most of the others before me. Hell, probably all of them. So we're talking new territory here. Hence the lack of wordage in the Watcher's Diaries about the experiences of old Slayers. And because of that I can't really compare what's happening to me...okay, getting a little ahead of myself here. What I mean is Slaying does something to the Slayer. It changes you. And the longer you are the Slayer..."

Buffy took another deep breath, once again seeking encouragement in Willow's eyes.

"I didn't understand it at first, even tried to talk about it with Giles a couple of times."

"The first time, after meeting Dracula. When I asked him to be my Watcher again. And then again after my mom died...when he took me on that vision quest thingy," explained Buffy.

"Yeah," nodded Buffy, looking straight ahead as she talked. "The Slaying. The killing. You remove yourself from it, or at least you try to...but you can't. I get it now. Dracula said it best. My power comes from a dark source. The need to hunt is like a drug, an addiction. And the only way to stop it from overwhelming you, from controlling you...is to go numb inside."

Buffy felt Willow's hand tense on her side but her friend didn't say anything. Buffy turned to face her. Willow wasn't smiling.

"Maybe," agreed Buffy, somewhat surprised that Willow hadn't tried to argue with her. Was how she felt that obvious? "I don't doubt what my destiny has done to me. Not anymore."

It was Buffy's turn to say nothing. Willow swallowed once and wet her lips before continuing.

"I brought you back. How could that not affect you? Isn't that why you were numb? Well, except for the pain and, and..."

"No," said Buffy, shaking her head. "It was a shock and it took me a hell of a long time to deal. Probably longer because I wasn't honest with you, wouldn't let you help."

"But no. I'm the same old Buffy. Only more so. Numb. Unable to feel. It's why Riley left. I could never give myself completely to him. It wasn't there to give anymore," sighed Buffy.

"This is one of those appropriate places where I should smile, huh?" frowned Willow. Buffy rested her head on Willow's shoulder and put her arm around Willow's back.

"This change, it happens so slowly. You have to remove yourself from the bloodlust, the desire to kill...or be consumed by it. Like...well, like Faith. But the trade off? You lose the ability to feel. To love," said Buffy, her voice trailing off.

"I don't believe that," whispered Willow. Buffy stiffened, then looked up at Willow.

"Buffy, I'm not dismissing what you feel. Or, um, don't feel, that is. I'm just trying to understand."

Buffy sat up, removing her hand from Willow's back, but Willow kept her close by holding her, hand on her waist now.

"Where you were...you said once that everything was harsh now, too bright, too loud. Buffy, if...if you were at peace before, then nothing..."

"No. I got past all that, learned to accept it," countered Buffy. "Not jumping for joy happy about it, of course. But this growing numbness, this emptiness that's always there..."

"Because...because it was the only time I ever felt anything," whispered Buffy, lowering her head. "The only time I knew I was alive."

"Go on," insisted Willow. Buffy slowly closed her eyes, opening one eye once to nervously glance at Willow. Willow pouted and Buffy closed her eyes. And then she felt Willow's finger as it gently traced a path across her cheek. Again as her finger brushed along her neck, the heat from her palm soothing as it caressed the hollow of her shoulder.

"We need to be touched, Buffy. It's one of the most basic and primitive urges known."

"Not really," smiled Willow. Buffy frowned at her doubtfully but considered what Willow said.

"Buffy, if what you say is true, well, maybe your body is protecting you. Again, on a primitive level."

"Think about it. You have amazing healing powers. All that killing, facing what you have to face, every day...your body is dealing with stress, like it would an injury. I'm sure it's not quite that simple, but, yeah, going a little numb? Makes sense," nodded Willow.

"Again, I'm not dismissing how you feel. But there's probably no one hello-I'm-here answer. Let's see, you mentioned something about issues with the opposite sex. Giles helped you. Didn't he teach you some meditation techniques?"

"Already said it wasn't simple, silly," replied Willow reaching for her glass and taking another drink. Buffy reached for her glass, hesitated, then changed her mind. Willow put her almost empty glass back onto the table.

"Is this becoming a lecture on the ills of the evil male species?" teased Buffy.

"As fun as that would be...no. This is about you. About your relationships. Buffy, the only time you opened your heart to someone post-Angel was to Parker. And we know how that turned out," added Willow, scrunching up her face.

"Probably never had a chance. You couldn't let him in. If you were withdrawing your feelings to protect yourself from this urge to hunt, well, Riley was probably on the receiving end of that too."

Willow waited for her words to sink in. Buffy looked at her, confused and yet impressed. Willow rubbed her back, giving her time.

"Don't be. I wasn't exactly there for you either. I was hurting too much from dealing with the magicks and what I did to Tara," frowned Willow.

"Um, okay, let's say you're right about needing to put up walls between you and the Slayage, the...the power to take a life," said Willow, carefully choosing her words. "That makes sense too. At least to me. I touched that, remember? Only I can't put up a wall. It's always there, just below the surface."

Buffy looked at Willow, stared at her. She understood this fear but wouldn't let Willow see that. Instead Buffy raised her hand and touched Willow's cheek.

"Always," continued Willow. "And it terrifies me, what I might do...what I've done. I kinda envy this numbness you talk about. And yet I don't want that."

Buffy slowly lowered her hand but Willow took it and once again placed it against her cheek.

"I know I can feel love, Buffy. Maybe someday, when I'm ready, I'll even allow myself to try again, to open myself to that. You will too. And maybe I can help you. All I can do is try," offered Willow, her voice small.

"I do," interrupted Buffy without hesitation. Willow smiled gratefully and took in a deep breath.

"And if you can trust yourself, I promise I can help. There's a way to bring these repressed feelings to the surface again," said Willow, but she wouldn't look directly at Buffy, as if she were hiding something.

"Will, I want you to be comfortable with this. If you don't think you can handle..."

"It's okay. This is white magick, healing magick. It's safe. I use it when I meditate," said Willow, again not looking directly at Buffy.

"Oh. This goes both ways, right? You can bring feelings and emotions to the surface...or you can suppress them," said Buffy.

"Restrain might be a better word. It's how I deal with my grief, with my guilt...this helps block the pain. I create a barrier. With you, we need to remove that barrier. Except...Buffy, what if that barrier needs to be there, to protect you?" asked Willow, concerned. "What if your body knows what's best?"

"I don't care. Willow, I need to feel again. I need to live. I...I want your help," smiled Buffy weakly. Willow nodded.

"Buffy, you're not weak if you ask for help. You just have to trust me. And you don't know how much that means to me, that you would. Trust me. After what..."

Willow stopped, nervously swallowing. Buffy sought out Willow's hand and held it. She didn't have to say anything.

"When I say trust me, I mean don't hold back. It can be scary, letting go, not being in control. Like with the magicks or, I guess, the Slayage. But I've seen your expression afterwards, felt your body respond. I know you've felt...something," said Willow.

"Yeah," admitted Buffy, almost blushing. "Something. Something very...basic, like you said. Primal."

"It's a start," repeated Willow, easing her hand up behind Buffy's back to rest it upon her shoulder. She pulled her close in a hug. "You're not flawed, Buffy. I think your body's trying to protect you, that's all."

"Come on, admit it. Hell, I kicked your ass across the Magic Box, didn't I?" grinned Willow. "So that proves it."

"Oh, you so did not! Proves it? And what's that supposed to mean?" laughed Buffy with mock indignation.

"It proves that I'm not only stronger but smarter," replied Willow, sticking out her tongue.

"Can't. Gotta finish your drink first," yelled Willow, quickly standing up and grabbing Buffy's drink. She jumped out of reach of Buffy's lunge.

"So, are you comfortable?" asked Willow as she lit a second candle. Buffy looked down at what she was wearing; sweat pants tied at the waist with a string and a loose fitting T-shirt. She was also barefoot.

"No, silly," smiled Willow, shaking her hand to extinguish the match she held. "I meant are you nervous?"

"Well, maybe I would be nervous if I knew what was going on. So spill already. What are we going to do?" asked Buffy.

"I told you, we're just going to meditate, like before. Only on a deeper level," explained Willow. She crossed her legs under herself and Buffy followed her lead.

"So these two candles...they represent what? Me and you, ying and yang, Sharon and Ozzy?" asked Buffy, leaning forward a bit to get a closer look at them.

"Um, actually, I kinda just like the scent. See? Pine," said Willow, moving her hands in a circular motion so that the smoke would drift towards Buffy.

"Oh. You know, I thought this would be more, say, mysterious or something," pouted Buffy.

"Just wait," winked Willow. Before Buffy could reply she took both of her hands into her own.

"When we start, I only want you to listen to my voice, to focus on it, but don't ask me anything or talk at all. You need to trust me, to not resist. Once you're relaxed I'll deepen the trance," said Willow.

"Then, when I think you're ready, I'm going to reach out, touch you...probably in a way you haven't experienced before," smiled Willow.

"Not physically!" laughed Willow. "Come on, let's get started. Close your eyes."

"Take in a slow, deep breath. Focus inward, concentrate on the air as it fills your lungs and as you slowly let it out. Fix onto my voice, find your center. The only sensation you should be aware of is your breathing...deep cleansing breaths, relaxing...your pulse is slowing. Let the world fall away...fall away...be calm...placid. Good. Now breathe on your own, without my voice..."

Buffy didn't count how many times she inhaled and exhaled, she simply let it happen, soothed by the rhythm of her chest as it rose and fell. Though Willow still held her hands she was no longer aware of touching her.

Buffy felt Willow's question more than she heard it, her words a muffled echo. And she understood that Willow was using telepathy to communicate with her.

*Shhh. I can't explain, not yet. I can't use words...it's like describing colors to a blind person. Breathe...find your center...*

Even as she took in her next breath Buffy felt it, a warmth that radiated from her hands into her arms, seeping like water through a sponge. And yet it was more than heat. This sensation enveloped her completely, like being immersed. Buffy gasped, suddenly aware of the intensity of what was happening, felt herself moan though no words escaped her lips. She needed to be closer to this, to embrace this, yet it was like trying to grasp at tendrils of mist as they caressed her. Though she knew her eyes were closed they seemed too heavy to open. And Buffy panicked. For the first time she resisted, pushing away this urge, this need...as if fighting to wake up from a dream.

Buffy's eyes were open and Willow was no longer holding her hands. She didn't understand what had happened but she felt neither fear nor panic. No, in fact she felt rested, as if waking up from a long nap.

"Wow. Willow, that was...hey, are you crying? What's wrong?" asked Buffy, quickly kneeling next to her.

"Nothing," answered Willow, shaking her head. She wiped her eyes with the palms of her hands and laughed in embarrassment. "Sorry, I wasn't expecting...just give me a sec, okay?"

Buffy nodded and put her arm around her shoulder. Willow may have laughed but her body was shaking.

Buffy glanced up at the clock and did a double-take; almost twenty minutes had passed.

"Um...it's kinda hard to put into words," shrugged Buffy, resting her chin on her knees.

"There was this comforting warmth, but more than that. It...you know, this may sound crazy, but I felt...I felt like my mom was holding me in her arms, cradling me. I was safe and content and, and...and you're looking at me like I'm a crazy person," grinned Buffy.

"Not at all," smiled Willow. "That's...that's only a part of it, but hey, for your first time? Not bad."

Buffy tilted her head suspiciously at Willow and added a pout to emphasize her confusion.

"It was me, Buffy. What you felt was love, pure and simple. You've been my best friend for years now. Of course I love you. I simply transferred that feeling, that essence, towards you. Your body, it's somehow blocking that or, or maybe it's just forgotten. I'm just trying to knock that barrier down, stir things up, reawaken whatever is asleep."

Willow smiled and took Buffy's hand. Buffy's eyes opened a bit wider as she stared at Willow's hand in her own.

"Wow. I...wow," sighed Buffy, giving Willow's hand a squeeze. "Um, sorry about the mom reference!"

"Yeah," agreed Willow reluctantly. "Okay, see, I can control what you feel from me. But this is new to you, so...when I touched you, your emotions, your, um, aura, is more open to me."

"Oh," said Buffy uncomfortably, suddenly worried about the implications of Willow's words.

"I'm not sure what happened. It was kinda like a panic attack. Suddenly I felt so alone, so...isolated," frowned Willow. "Wasn't expecting that, so I must've lost my concentration. Well, not must have. I did."

"No, this was more intense. It was like I suddenly broke through thin ice and the water was just so cold. Buffy, maybe, maybe I touched onto part of what being a Slayer is. I mean, you are alone."

"But only a small part. There's so much more to it than that. Um, maybe we shouldn't..."

"No! No, you don't understand. For you to feel what I gave you...Buffy, it worked! I think I can help. And next time I'll be more prepared," smiled Willow confidently.

"Or maybe next time you'll touch something that'll really scare you. What then?" asked Buffy calmly.

Buffy didn't say anything at first. And then Willow smiled softly, flashing Buffy with the best puppy dog eyes she could muster up. Buffy couldn't help but smile. And she nodded her assent.

"I'll make you a deal. We'll keep at this if you can be honest with me and answer two questions," said Buffy firmly.

"First, you're comfortable with this, right? You aren't worried about using magic here, you aren't afraid and not telling me, not even a teensy little bit...right?"

"Okay, more than one question there, but, ignoring that for the moment...no. I'm so comfortable with this I might fall asleep," grinned Willow. "Oh, not that I would!"

"I know you're wrestling with some really big stuff here. Grief, guilt, fear of what the magicks could do to you...but I need to know. Are you hiding? Are you using this to block out all that, to avoid dealing? 'Cause that doesn't sound healthy. And if you're going to help me, then you need to let me help you."

Willow kept her eyes on Buffy, took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, puffing out her cheeks with the effort. Just before the tears came, Willow nodded once, ever so slightly, and pulled Buffy close, wrapping her arms around her, ashamed at her confession but ever so grateful that Buffy had reached out to her.

"I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do" - Sarah Mclachlan

"Dawn, you said it was important to you. It's time I cut the apron strings...um, not that I actually cook or anything," frowned Buffy.

"Wow! This is so cool! Hey, how soon can I take driving lessons?" asked Dawn excitedly.

"Don't push it," warned Buffy. "After the party you're staying over at Kit's house, right?"

Dawn ran upstairs to her room and Buffy looked over at Willow, sitting at the kitchen table and pretending to read the morning paper.

"Maybe. Still doesn't mean I have to be happy about it," replied Buffy, putting her hands on her hips and looking in the direction Dawn had gone.

Willow knocked on the door but no one answered. She knocked again and Anya finally opened the door, waving her in while talking into the phone. Willow waved hello and shut the door behind her.

Willow raised both eyebrows and tried to find something to read, a magazine or even the TV Guide.

Willow dropped the magazine she was fumbling through and glanced nervously at Anya.

"What? No! Willow, Dawn's making brownies for some party she's going to. How do you tell if they're done?" said Anya, holding out the phone towards Willow.

"Huh? Oh, um, look on the box. It should say how long to bake them for. Then stick a toothpick in them. If stuff sticks to it she needs to keep it in a little longer."

"You hear that? Okay. Let me know how they came out. Bye," said Anya, hanging up the phone. She didn't see Willow as she let out a sigh.

Anya sat down on the couch across from Willow, the smallest of smiles on her face.

"Wow. Isn't this awkward? Okay, I didn't get a chance to thank you before," said Anya, somewhat hesitantly. "Anyway...thanks."

"For trying to help me. With D'Hoffryn. And, and what I did. You know," added Anya, lowering her voice almost to a whisper, "with the Vengeance and those boys."

"Oh. Oh! Yeah, um, that's why I'm here. To see how you're doing," nodded Willow.

"Thought so," smiled Anya. "I should've called. Sorry you had to come all the way over here."

"No, that's...I don't mind. Really," smiled Willow, glancing at the clock on the wall behind Anya.

"Like when I had a business to run. An exchange of either goods or services provided by the retailer requires compensation from the customer, usually in the form of monetary remuneration or barter," explained Anya confidently.

"And now our transaction is done. It's more satisfying this way, like...like selling an item at full markup and yet still having the customer happy with the purchase," grinned Anya.

Anya tilted her head slightly, wondering what Willow was getting at. And Willow reconsidered her explanation.

"Even after all this time, you're still struggling a bit with human customs," smiled Willow, amused rather than judgmental.

"Anya," said Willow softly. Anya looked up, pouting. "Your analogy with the business transaction...it's a good one."

"Though sometimes friends do things for the people they care about simply because...because the reward is in the giving," smiled Willow.

"Um...think of it as giving someone an employee discount even when they don't work for you," tried Willow. "Because...because you like them."

"Thanks. Um, are you going to ask me to do a spell with you now? 'Cause I really liked the last..."

"What? No. That's not...never mind," sighed Willow. "But there is something else I wanted to ask. Anya, do you know of any demons that use embalming fluid for, well, for anything?"

"Embalming fluid? Hmm, let's see. Well, there is one I remember, the Chandlerlings."

"Well, the Chandlerlings like to talk. A lot. But they have this monotone voice and they tend to go on and on and on and they always put their verbs at the end of the sentence so you have to listen to them like forever so by the time you get to the verb you've forgotten what their talking about in the first place making them have to repeat the whole thing over and now you know what the verb is but it's rude to interrupt so you have to listen all the way through again," said Anya, finally pausing to take a breath.

"Sure. They put their verbs at the end of their sentences. And you can imagine how difficult that makes casting spells in that language. Ever hear of a proficient German spell caster? I don't think so! And I've been around a while, you know? Plus their women never shave their armpits. Oh, um, sorry," cringed Anya. "Maybe you go for that sorta thing?"

"What? Uh, well, you know, I never really thought about...Anya, can we get back to the Chandlerlings here?" sighed Willow.

"Sure. Let's see, where was I? Oh, you can imagine what happens. After a while the other Chandlerlings get lulled to sleep by this constant, um, monotonousness."

"To them, the embalming fluid is like coffee. It keeps them awake," explained Anya.

"So, the Chandlerites are so boring that no amount of embalming fluid keeps them awake. As you can imagine, they don't talk much as they get older."

"Probably not. Other demons find them so boring that they tend to get picked on. The Hellmouth tends to attract demons. More demons means getting picked on more. Hence the lack of Chandlerlings around here. Why do you ask?" asked Anya.

"Oh, a few funeral homes have been broken into recently. Only thing that seems to be missing is small amounts of embalming fluid. I was worried that some new type of demon might be in town but I couldn't find any demons that might want that stuff in the books we have," explained Willow.

"Well, I wouldn't worry too much if a Chandlerling or two is in town. They're really quite harmless and keep to themselves. In fact, they're vegetarians," added Anya.

"How are you doing?" asked Willow softly. Anya smiled but suddenly looked like she might cry.

"Okay about covers it. You know, if you want to talk, about anything, just call. I'm a good listener," smiled Willow.

"Sure you don't wanna do a spell?" beamed Anya. "Because the last time, well, that was kinda..."

"Uh, maybe next time. Gotta go," added Willow quickly as she turned and ran for the door.

Keeping her eyes closed, Willow allowed an image of Buffy to form, yet from this point of view it was as if she was floating above, looking down at her. The image expanded and Willow saw herself now, holding Buffy's hands, each of them sitting cross-legged and facing one another, eyes closed and both slightly swaying. Buffy's lips parted as her breath became shallow and more forceful. Willow responded in turn, her face taut in concentration. She drew air in through her nose, struggling to keep her breathing deep and steady.

Buffy's head tilted downwards and she seemed to lean on Willow more now for support. Her breath was rapid, ragged...and then she opened her eyes. This astonished Willow as she knew Buffy's state of mind, could feel her still deep within the trance. Just before she withdrew into herself again, Willow saw Buffy smile.

Willow opened her eyes...and blinked, suddenly confused. The room around them was grainy, almost in sepia tone. It took a moment for her to recognize that her breathing, or panting for a better word, now matched Buffy's own, struggling as she was with it. Willow slowly raised her eyes, past Buffy's smile, focusing on her eyes, locking onto them. Buffy flinched but never blinked. And now Willow was smiling with her, but in awe, in wonder.

It was as if Willow felt lighter somehow, like when she really nailed a difficult spell. And just like her craft, all the preparation, the effort that came before melted away, forgotten as her tired muscles basked in the afterglow of the task, any worries placated by this sense of accomplishment. And Willow realized that Buffy must feel this way after a strenuous workout...or after a hunt that ended with a successful kill. Yet this feeling, here and now, was more than that. So much more and so difficult to describe. There was a soothing warmth, an embrace that felt familiar, as if...as if...

That name. It sounded far away, muted. Buffy let go of Willow's hands and Willow, suddenly dizzy, had to put her hands on the mat to balance herself. She watched Buffy as she stood up and the room seemed clearer, sharper, more in focus.

"You're not the only one with some experience with deep trance states," whispered Buffy.

"Buffy, wait! I sorta get the how but I'm wrestling with the what. You know, the what as in what just happened?" whispered Willow. But Buffy only smiled.

"Hey guys, whatcha doin'?" asked Xander, stopping halfway down the stairs. He looked first at Buffy then at Willow. The girls glanced at one another and then looked at Xander. Buffy was still smiling but Willow stared at Xander with her mouth slightly open, as if she had just woken up.

"Excuse the naughty implications, but have you two been doing spells together?" grinned Xander.

"Xander! We were meditating. Willow's been teaching me some techniques to deepen the experience, make it more...fulfilling," nodded Buffy.

"I see. And if Willow is doing the teaching, what's with the flummoxed look?" laughed Xander.

"I'm not...there was no flummoxing! I haven't flummoxed in like...well, just you never mind! And, and what she said! We were meditating," harumphed Willow, standing up and crossing her arms indignantly.

"My bad. Still, I didn't realize that...meditating...was such hard work. I mean, you there with the glistening skin and her with the tousled hair," teased Xander.

"Oh, and now the furrowed brow! Seems I hit a nerve," chuckled Xander, though with less confidence than before.

"Sure thing. But if I hear a pillow fight start I'm coming down here with Dawn's camera in hand!" warned Xander.

"Hey, you up for the Bronze tonight? I could use some serious down time with my buds" suggested Buffy.

"Hmm, let me check my social calendar," said Xander, lamely searching his shirt and pants pockets. "Can't seem to find it but I'm sure I can clear my schedule."

"Oh, right! I was exiting," nodded Xander as he turned and walked back up the stairs. Buffy turned to face Willow.

"I know! So, where were we?" puzzled Buffy. "Oh, I remember! Something about flummoxing."

"Sit," suggested Buffy, sitting down even before Willow did. Once again they faced one another like before.

"Willow, it was me. I wasn't sure if words would be enough, so I had to let you feel this. See, about what happened to us, they way we fought in the Magic Box..."

"I needed you to know, to understand that I forgive you. Don't dwell on it. It's in the past now. You were in pain, the real serious kind. I don't blame you for what happened. Anyway, that's what you felt. I opened myself up to you, so that you would believe me."

"Yeah. Like that," smiled Buffy. Willow took another deep breath and focused on the smoke curling up from the candle by her side. Buffy reached over and touched her hand, startling Willow.

"We should go upstairs before Xander gets any more ideas in that male head of his," grinned Buffy. "So you up for the Bronze tonight?"

"I know I do! This meditating, it's like coffee! I'm all pumped up, with a need to release some serious energy," smiled Buffy enthusiastically.

"You go up. I need a minute. I need to, um, blow out these candles and, and stuff," shrugged Willow.

"Thanks again. With the meditating. It, um...I think it's helping. Really," smiled Buffy.

"I think it is," smiled Willow. Buffy nodded and turned for the stairs, noticing that Willow had made no attempt to blow the candles out. Glancing once back over her shoulder at the top of the stairs, she was surprised to see Willow rubbing her worrystone between thumb and forefinger, a far away look in her eyes. Buffy closed the cellar door behind her.

"Hey, Buff. Isn't Willow coming up?" asked Xander, looking up from peering into the refrigerator.

"Yeah, she's just straightening up a bit down there," said Buffy, suddenly hungry herself. She made her way over to stand behind Xander but didn't see anything she wanted.

"Buffy, you've been spending a lot of time with Willow lately," said Xander, closing the refrigerator.

"I mean she doesn't talk to me much anymore," said Xander, glancing back at the cellar door as he lowered his voice. "She's keeping a lot of stuff bottled up inside."

"Like what?" asked Buffy, somewhat uncomfortable to be bringing this up with Xander.

"Like her struggling with the magic usage, her fear of hurting people again...and let's not forget about Tara. You know, the big elephant in the room that everyone sees but no one talks about? Oh! Not that I'm comparing...well, you know," sighed Xander.

"I know. And I think she's doing better. Yeah, she has her moments, but overall? Our Willow's coming around," nodded Buffy, now glancing at the cellar door herself.

"I know it's way too soon for Will to get into a relationship again, but you know what she needs?"

"A rebound girl. And not even something as serious as a date. Just...just someone to let her know she's still special. Let her know that she is still alive, that she can have an impact on another person. Preferably a girl, of course, in keeping with the boosting of what's left of her bruised ego. Am I making any kind of sense?" frowned Xander.

"I'm not, am I?" sighed Xander. "I'm just a big dummy when it comes to matters of the heart."

"Making sense, I mean! Not the other part," corrected Buffy. "And you know what? Maybe Will needs a night out even more than I do. And you need to tell her that."

"Thanks. That's...what? I need to tell her? Tell her what, exactly?" asked Xander nervously.

"Xander, don't look so flummoxed. This is just the thing! Hell, we all need a night out. Our egos don't need just a little boost, they need a big kick in the ass!"

"I said your ego, not your ass! Here's the plan. We go to the Bronze, have a few beers, meet some total strangers for a dance or two, have a good time and leave. No strings attached, just some harmless fun," smiled Buffy enthusiastically.

"We'll both tell her. Just follow my lead. But stress that she needs to dress like she's out to break some hearts. This might be harmless flirting but if you're going to do it ya might as well do it up right!"

"And you too! You clean up nicely. Go buy yourself some new duds. We need a break in our routines," said Buffy.

"Hard to argue with that," agreed Xander. Just then the front door opened and Dawn walked in, making her way over to the refrigerator.

"Okay, I get the hint. Xander, can you take me to the grocery store?" asked Buffy.

Buffy almost asked what Dawn wanted to know but her sister quickly, and somewhat excitedly, walked away. She reached the bottom stair just as Willow was blowing out the last candle.

"Oh, um, yeah, but it's nothing. Happy tears. Buffy and I, we were meditating and it, um, was pretty intense," explained Willow, wiping her eyes. She slipped her worrystone back into her pocket as she stood up.

"Sometimes. Depends on...well, let's just say it can also be a real eye-opener. If you allow yourself, you can stir up some powerful emotions. And this state you attain heightens and sharpens your senses, so you can...uh, never mind. I think you get the idea," said Willow, blushing slightly.

"Not really. There may be these demons that are fans of the TV show Friends that use embalming fluid, but I guess they're fairly uncommon and kinda harmless," said Willow.

"See, they're called...oh, it doesn't matter. There hasn't been any more reports about funeral home thefts and this doesn't really seem to be turning into such a big threat. Guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens," shrugged Willow.

"I guess," agreed Dawn. "But hey, it was fun. Doing research with you again, I mean."

"It did, didn't it? I miss that," smiled Dawn as she left. Willow thought about that.

Willow adjusted the towel wrapped around her head a little and sat down in front of her dresser. Opening a drawer, she picked up first one lipstick and then another, finally settling on a color. She smiled, remembering that Tara had always liked this color.

Tara. Had she actually made it through almost an entire hour without thinking about her? Wincing, Willow glanced at the photo on her dresser. Tara was sitting in front of her and she was holding her from behind, arms wrapped so tightly around her, both smiling, her red hair pressed against her girl's shoulder.

Willow took a deep breath and looked away. Do what makes you happy. Isn't that what Tara would say to her now? Isn't that what she would want? Willow put her elbow up on the dresser and leaned her chin against her hand, playing with the lipstick in her hand, rolling it between her fingers.

"What? Oh, yeah. It's all yours," answered Willow. Buffy walked up behind Willow and put a hand on her shoulder, watching her in the mirror.

"You okay?" whispered Buffy, giving Will's shoulder a little squeeze. Willow looked up and met Buffy's smiling eyes.

"We're going to have a good time tonight. Or else...well, there is no else. We just are," grinned Buffy.

"Well if you want hot water then you better get into the shower before Dawnie does!" warned Willow. "Girl thinks half an hour is a quick shower."

Buffy nodded and left. Glancing once more at the photograph, Willow put on her lipstick.

Buffy, arms crossed, stared at the clothes she had laid out on her bed. She walked back to stand in front of her closet, shaking her head at her wardrobe and glancing back at the bed. Reaching into the closet, she pulled out a pair of leather pants, studied them, held them up in front of herself, looked into the mirror...and hung the pants back up, again shaking her head.

Walking back towards the bed, her eyes settled on a framed photograph on her dresser. Buffy reached for it and immediately smiled. Xander, Willow and herself, arms around one another, all smiling. She had owned this photograph for a long time now. Had Xander even started dating Cordelia when this was taken? Had Willow even started dating Oz? How long ago that seemed.

But they had all been smiling. When was the last time she had seen her friends smile? Xander? He laughed and smiled even now, most of the time too, though Buffy knew that was just his way of hiding his pain. But Willow, when was the last time she had been happy, the last time she had enjoyed herself enough to simply smile?

Tonight would be different. If only for a little while, they would at least try to have a good time. And perhaps even smile.

Buffy tenderly placed the photograph back on her dresser, walked back to the closet and, smiling, took her leather pants off the hanger.

Willow held up a blouse in front of her and smirked at the mirror. Switching hands and holding up another blouse, she groaned and shook her head.

Willow turned to see Dawn looking at her with a wide grin on her face. She crossed her arms and leaned against the door, not once taking her eyes off of Willow.

"Come on, Willow! Fess up! You've been primping and preening for the last hour and you can't even decide what to wear. You must be trying to impress someone. Got a date tonight?" teased Dawn.

"Date? Pfft! There's no date. And no primping nor preening either, I might add. I'm primpless and preen-free! Just, well, you never know, you know? Girl's gotta look presentable if she goes out in public," defended Willow indignantly, tossing one of the blouses onto the bed and again holding up the other one in front of herself. Dawn rolled her eyes.

"Willow, I know you and Buffy are going to the Bronze tonight! Okay, so you don't have a date. Still, I gotta believe you're hoping someone notices you," said Dawn, this time almost sympathetically. "So...who's the someone?"

"Just trying to change my luck, Dawnie. Ya mighta noticed I've been in kind of a funk lately," admitted Willow.

"Well, yeah. Thanks. See, I need to feel good about myself again before I can even think about...okay, backing up. That's a biggie right there. One step at a time. Besides, who would notice me?" sighed Willow.

"If you unbutton another button on that blouse, even I'm going to be interested," winked Dawn, trying not to laugh. Willow quickly tossed the blouse in her hand onto the bed and turned her back to Dawn as she buttoned up her shirt.

"What I lack in experience I make up for with common sense. Speaking of which...Willow, Buffy and Spike, you don't think..."

"Haven't decided yet. I'll borrow something from Buffy while she's out tonight. Oh, and if you don't want me to tell Buffy about all this non-preening then I expect to hear some juicy details tomorrow," said Dawn, leaving before Willow could respond.

Willow pouted and shook her head, once again looking into the mirror. Glancing back over her shoulder, she unbuttoned the top button on her blouse. Hesitating a moment, Willow undid another button with a hint of mischief in her smile.

"It's been so long since I've touched
So long since I wanted
Then you made me laugh
And my heart opened...
Please forgive me
I don't know what to do
It's an old fire
This familiar desire
But my skin is painfully new" - Melissa Etheridge

"Xander, why aren't you out there with happy feet? Go make with the flirting," encouraged Willow, glancing past him at the crowded dance floor.

"Nah. My heart's just not in it tonight," sighed Xander, not even considering her suggestion. He took a sip of his beer, almost as uninterested in drinking as he was in dancing.

"I hear ya," sighed Willow in dejected agreement. "My booty don't want no shaking tonight. Still, being here beats staying home and watching Demi Moore cry in Ghost for the umpteenth time."

"Well...we could go down to the corner gas station and see if the new Playboy came out yet," grinned Xander.

"Not at all. But don't be silly, all the new magazines come out on Monday," explained Willow.

"Me? Oh, alright." Willow scanned the room, her eyes pausing every so often on a likely candidate.

"I'm looking!" snapped Willow, finally settling on someone. "I'd suggest that attractive redhead over there by the band, but you have a notorious track record of not noticing attractive redheads."

"And the more attractive they are, the less I seem to notice them," smiled Xander. Willow smiled gratefully in return and winked at him.

"No, and don't be rude! What's scary is that you and I have very similar taste in women."

"We both noticed April the robot," said Willow, making quotation marks with her fingers when saying the word noticed.

"So that's your track record? Two equates a similar taste in the female form?" asked Xander.

"Wait a minute. Common interest, similar taste...someone we both know," pondered Xander. Willow's eyes grew wide with a sudden fear.

"How about that brunette over there," said Willow, nodding in the direction of the front door.

"Hmm, possibly...but on closer inspection I'd say there's a hint of Cordelia in the way she struts."

"I'm thinking it's the awkward walking in high heels more than a strut, but I see your point," agreed Willow.

"How about her?" suggested Xander. Willow followed his gaze and immediately frowned.

"Possible jailbait with a fake I.D.," dismissed Willow. And then her face lit up. "You know, twins are always fun."

Xander quickly snapped his head around but didn't see who Willow was talking about. When he looked back at her Willow had a much too innocent grin on her face.

"Sorry," apologized Willow, finishing her drink. "And don't think I'm done getting my retribution over that Anya remark."

She looked over to the bar to see how long the line was and noticed a blonde with her back to them. Glancing back at Xander, she waited for him to look at her as he searched the room.

"How 'bout that blonde over by the bar?" asked Willow. Xander looked and smiled approvingly.

"Oh yeah," replied Willow a bit too enthusiastically. Xander raised his eyebrows at her.

"Is that what you notice first in a girl?" asked Xander, genuinely interested. Willow twisted her neck to look back at the girl.

"No. It's the eyes. Always the eyes," answered Willow, her smile slowly vanishing. "What about you?"

"Yeah, that's what I was going for. Cute. Macho being so overrated these days," mocked Xander.

"Well, no. It was more her standing naked in my basement with her dress pooled around her ankles on the floor."

"Just thinking. You and I found our loves so differently. You and Anya, it was more of a physical thingy which grew into love and friendship. Tara and I were friends first which grew into love and that physical thingy," smiled Willow wistfully. It took a moment for her to realize that Xander seemed uncomfortable...though she immediately understood why. She had mentioned Tara's name. Out loud.

"Just wondering. You and Buffy. Friends at first...what if she had agreed to go to that dance with you a thousand years ago. What if..."

"Like I said, just wondering. If you two had been a couple, had been happy...what would've happened to us, to the gang, if you guys broke up or, or if it didn't work out? I mean, look at your friendship, look at what you could be risking, what you could lose," said Willow, real pain in her voice.

"Excuse me, present tense here? It's would have lost, not could lose. Cupid isn't shooting any arrows in that direction these days," laughed Xander.

"Besides, I guess we'll never know. I had that spark, the butterflies in the stomach every time she walked into the room. But she didn't. It wasn't meant to be," shrugged Xander.

"Yeah. I get that," she whispered distantly. Xander scrunched up his face, wondering what Willow meant.

"Don't look now, but that blonde you were checking out before is walking over here," said Xander, looking past her. Willow turned and looked over her shoulder.

"Hey. Sorry I took so long, that line was like forever. And might I add that chivalry is officially declared dead. There were at least two guys up there that could've let me go ahead of them and didn't," said Buffy as she settled three full cups on the table in front of Willow. "I must be losing it. Am I losing it?"

"Oh. Hmm, hadn't thought of that. But thanks for stroking my ego," smiled Buffy.

"Here's to stroking," toasted Willow as she raised her glass, only just then realizing what she had said. "Um, I, I meant...well, you haven't lost it. The flirting. Not that your stroking leaves anything to be...okay, shutting up now."

Willow hid her face behind her cup as she drank. Buffy smiled and pushed a cup towards Xander.

"What's with you two? I said we needed a night out to have some fun and fun will be had. You telling me that with that drool-worthy outfit no one asked you to dance yet?" asked Buffy, her eyes on Xander.

"Well, technically, I didn't ask her...but she didn't ask me either," replied Xander weakly, avoiding Buffy's stare.

"Oh, you know, just people watching, learning the newest dance craze," smiled Willow. Buffy rolled her eyes and sat down in the chair next to Willow.

"What? Why Buffy, I'm shocked! You think we'd stoop so low as to judge people simply by their looks?" asked Xander in astonishment.

"Never. So who's the cream of the crop tonight?" asked Buffy, taking a gulp of beer from her cup.

"Um, ya know, I suddenly feel like dancing. C'mon," said Willow, standing and grabbing Buffy's hand. "I'll show ya how it's done."

Buffy barely had time to put her cup down as Willow pulled her out onto the not too crowded dance floor. Yet almost as soon as they had begun to dance the song ended. The band didn't get much applause and as if they were accustomed to that quickly began another song. A very slow song.

"Damn. Guess we'll have to sit this one out. I was just getting warmed up too," pouted Willow.

"So dance with me," said Buffy nonchalantly. It took a moment for Willow to register what she had said.

"Buffy, there's not a lot of couples on the floor. People are going to be staring at us," warned Willow, her voice not much more than a whisper.

"So? You know anyone here? I don't. Never really cared what strangers thought of me. Do you?"

"Hey, you promised me a dance. C'mon, show me your moves! They'll probably play another fast one right after this anyway," encouraged Buffy.

Willow reached out and intertwined the fingers of her left hand into those of Buffy's right hand. An awkward movement of their arms, a few seconds to get positioned, and then Willow slipped her arm around Buffy's waist, leaving Buffy to wrap her arm around Willow's shoulder. Willow glanced over at Xander, catching his eye...and the way he looked at her seemed familiar somehow...

She was wearing a black sleeveless dress, he a borrowed tuxedo. And they were dancing. Close. Very close. Xander slowly leaned his head down to her, and she responded instinctively, without thinking, angling her lips up to his, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do...

And then Willow was looking at Buffy. A very motionless Buffy. Whether it had been Willow's hesitation or the closeness of their bodies, something was different. Gone was the confidence in her eyes, the bravado, even though she was smiling. She felt Buffy's hand tremble on her back. Willow opened her mouth to tell Buffy that she didn't have to do this, that she didn't have to prove anything...but instead her lips curled up into a smile. And Willow simply nodded once to calm her, to reassure her.

Willow eased Buffy a little closer to her, meeting just the slightest resistance as they began to sway back and forth. Buffy's palm was sweaty but the tenseness Willow had felt before melted away. She tried to look at Buffy without her noticing, glancing up and then looking down at their feet, repeating this once, twice. Buffy responded by resting her head on Willow's shoulder.

"Oh yeah. Gonna break some hearts tonight. Even more so when the guys find out you play for the other team," smiled Buffy.

Willow didn't say anything but Buffy was suddenly just a little more aware of Willow's hand across her waist. She nestled her head comfortably against Buffy's shoulder. They moved in time to the music, neither leading, neither following.

"What...danced with a girl?" asked Willow, her eyes just slightly more open than a moment before.

"Don't remind me," sighed Willow. Buffy hesitated, unsure if Willow's tone held bitterness or jealousy. She had only told Willow about dancing with Faith. Willow had never seen them together...had she? Buffy pulled her head back, catching Willow's eye, taking in a shallow breath.

"I meant...you've tried to seduce a girl before," said Buffy with a straight face.

Even though the song wasn't over, Willow stopped dancing. Her eyes were intent on Buffy, her face expressionless. Buffy blushed.

"Sorry," cringed Buffy. "I was going for the funny. You know, a watch your expression thingy. I should've..."

Buffy stared at Willow but her friend's expression never changed. Once again she pulled Willow close and began to dance, though this time she had to nudge Willow into following her lead.

"No, I've never tried to seduce a girl before. When you asked me if I've done this before...I thought you were going to ask me if I've ever fallen for a girl before."

And now Buffy stopped dancing. Her mouth slightly open, she glanced away but then again looked up at Willow, narrowing her eyes. The song ended and the couples on the floor began to head back to their seats.

"Thanks for the dance, Buffy," smiled Willow as she pulled away, their fingers slipping apart.

"Um, yeah, I uh...oh, hey, I get it. You wanted to see my reaction, right? Just like me. Had me going there for a moment, Will. Willow? Hey, wait up!"

Xander looked at a couple just leaving the Bronze through the front door. The guy seemed just a little too eager to leave. Buffy followed his gaze.

"Right. So maybe someone should, oh, I don't know, maybe stake him?" suggested Xander.

"Right. And that someone would be me," said Buffy, her eyes on Willow. "This shouldn't take long."

"Gotta run," yelled Buffy over her shoulder. She paused at the door and looked back at Willow. And Buffy smiled when she saw that Willow was still watching her.

Xander kept glancing at Willow as they walked home. Even though she knew he was doing it she ignored him, though there was just a hint of a smile on her lips.

"Oh, come on now! Two girls slow dancing together, cheek to cheek, hand to hand, bosom to..."

"Not at all!" protested Xander. "I just hope I'm there the next time you two tango."

"And what makes you think there'll be a next time?" asked Willow, suddenly intently interested in his answer.

"Xander, Buffy wanted to dance. The song ended and she, being full of mischief girl, wanted to see what I would do when that slow song started. I think she was mortified when I took her up on her dare," smirked Willow.

"Hey, it wasn't as bad as that time she danced with you. Remember? When she got back from Los Angeles?"

Buffy paused for a moment and leaned against the wall, instantly regretting it. A sharp pain stabbed across her shoulder and down her arm. She winced, grinding her teeth so as not to cry out and wake anyone. Her right arm hung down by her side and she held it against her with her left hand. Taking a deep breath, she eased her left foot onto the first stair but hesitated, waiting for the dizziness to pass.

"Couldn't sleep. You're hurt," said Willow, stating the obvious. She walked over to Buffy and stood next to her, unsure of what to do.

"It's not bad. Really. Got slammed against a tombstone," sighed Buffy. "But you should see the other guy. Oh, wait! You can't, 'cause he's dust now."

Willow wrapped her arm around Buffy's waist, careful not to touch her arm, and Buffy leaned against her, one arm across Willow's shoulders.

"Bring the bottle," nodded Buffy, wincing as they made their way awkwardly up the stairs. Willow smacked the light on with one hand guided her over to the bed, worried even more now because Buffy seemed to be leaning on her with most of her weight.

"Yeah. I just landed wrong. A little soaking in hot water is just what I need," smiled Buffy, trying to calm Willow's fears.

"Thanks," nodded Buffy. She heard the water running and Willow opening the medicine cabinet as she unbuttoned her blouse with her left hand. When she looked up she saw Willow standing there with a paper cup full of water and two aspirin in her palm.

Buffy took the aspirin but grimaced as she reached for the cup with her right hand.

"I'll hold the cup," frowned Willow. Glancing down at Buffy's open blouse, she was surprised to see that she wasn't wearing a bra.

"Thanks," smiled Buffy, tossing the aspirin into her mouth. She waited a moment but Willow, distracted, just stood there. Buffy waved her hand and pointed to her mouth.

"Oh! Sorry," winced Willow, lifting the cup to her mouth so she could drink. Finished, Buffy slowly stood up from the bed.

"The bath will be ready in another minute or two," said Willow. "I made sure the water was hot."

"Thanks. Could you, uh, help me here?" asked Buffy, shimmying her shoulders to slip free of her blouse.

"Oh. Sure," nodded Willow, trying not to look at her friend's chest. Sensing her discomfort, Buffy hesitated but then awkwardly covered herself with her left arm. Willow tugged the blouse free from her right arm and tossed it onto the bed.

"Um, no," smiled Buffy, trying not to laugh. "I can wiggle out of these. My robe is hanging in the closet. Could you get it for me?"

"Oh. Robe. Right. Of course," nodded Willow, rolling her eyes and quickly walking over to the closet. Buffy bit her lower lip to keep from laughing. Willow came back and handed her the terrycloth robe.

"You sure?" countered Willow doubtfully, again glancing down at Buffy's pants. It was Buffy's turn to roll her eyes. "Call me if you need help with the wiggling or maybe if you want your back washed."

Puzzled, Buffy went into the bathroom and automatically reached to close the door behind her but paused, glancing back in the direction Willow had gone. With a smile known only to her, Buffy left the door open.

Head leaning back against the tub, her eyes closed, Buffy almost dozed off. She shook her head, realizing that the silence around her was what had both let her drift off and had woken her.

Buffy waited but heard nothing. Tapping her fingers on the edge of the tub, she slowly exhaled, puffing out her cheeks. She turned her hand over and saw how wrinkled her fingertips were.

"You can lead a horse to water," sighed Buffy as she stepped out of the tub and toweled herself off. Wrapping herself snugly into her robe, she heard Willow walk into the room. Buffy glanced into the mirror, only then realizing that she had been pouting. With a shrug she smiled and walked into the bedroom, feigning surprise at seeing Willow. She was sitting on the bed, obviously trying not to smile.

"I made you something," said Willow proudly, holding up what looked like a toothpaste tube.

"Well, yes, but I added a little something to make it more, um, effective," explained Willow.

"Thanks. Let me just brush my hair first," said Buffy, turning to face the mirror. She picked up a brush and winced in pain even as she raised it towards the side of her head.

"Here, let me," offered Willow, quickly getting up. She took the brush and stroked Buffy's hair, gently tugging any pulls free, wincing herself when she hit a snag.

"No need to...I mean, thanks. Really. For everything," smiled Buffy. Willow smiled in return, their eyes meeting in the mirror. Willow kept brushing her hair but didn't look away at first, her gaze lingering as Buffy watched her. Almost blushing, Willow concentrated on what she was doing. Buffy closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of the brush, the rhythm of Willow's strokes. Willow's body pressed against her back and she felt the heat from her friend's body, warm, so close. Buffy's eyes snapped open, remembering who she was with and yet uncertain why she had suddenly held back, had pulled away from what felt so good.

Willow paused, then put the brush down, leaning into Buffy even more as she reached across. Distracted by Buffy's gaze, the brush almost fell off the edge of the dresser and they both reached for it at the same time. Their hands touched. Neither one moved.

"I'll, um, get that cream. Oh, I made it lavender scented. No need for it to be smelly for it to work."

Willow picked up the tube, fumbled with it and almost dropped it, covering up her embarrassment by smiling. Buffy spun around in her chair to face Willow.

"Here, let's just push that robe back a bit so I can get at that shoulder," said Willow. Buffy sat still, letting Willow open her robe. She watched as Willow spread some of the cream into one palm and rub her hands together. As soon as her hand touched her skin, Buffy felt a warmth spread into her shoulder. She closed her eyes in appreciation.

Willow put both hands on Buffy's arm now and Buffy pushed her other shoulder free, letting the robe droop down her back. Willow still worked the cream in but slowed her motion, leaning forward, her face now close to Buffy's. Buffy opened her eyes and smiled as Willow slowed even more, her fingers barely moving.

"Much," nodded Buffy imperceptibly, nervously swallowing. "You feel...I mean, it feels...good. What you're doing. Good."

"Yeah. I, uh, thought it would feel...work! I meant work," corrected Willow, so close now her hair brushed against Buffy's neck.

Buffy reached up, touching Willow's wrist and Willow froze. She turned her head but didn't pull away, looking into Buffy's eyes. Ever so slowly she leaned closer, her lips almost brushing against Buffy's lips, but she hesitated. Buffy inched forward as if to kiss her but she too wavered, waiting. Their lips almost touching, Willow tilted her head, her breath puffing against Buffy's cheek.

"I know," repeated Buffy even softer. And then her lips found Willow's. A first tentative touch, exploring, surprise at how soft her lips were, and then a real embrace as Willow finally responded. Each unsure of what to do with their hands, Willow rested one palm against Buffy's cheek, her other hand on Buffy's hip, Buffy in turn wrapping her hands behind Willow's head, gently pulling her forward.

Gasping, Buffy reluctantly broke the embrace to catch her breath. She smiled even as her lips trembled, shivered even though she wasn't cold. It took a moment for Willow to realize that Buffy was...nervous. No, more than nervous. It was an emotion she rarely saw in the Slayer, one that Willow refused to give a name to. But this wasn't the Slayer now, this was Buffy.

Willow leaned forward, kissing Buffy's forehead, letting her lips find their way down Buffy's cheek. Her hand cupped Buffy's face as her lips hesitated before Buffy's mouth, first brushing against her upper lip, then tugging gently on her lower lip. And Willow felt a smile form under her kiss, knew that Buffy's body was no longer shaking. Buffy lowered one hand, found Willow's hand on her hip and slipped her fingers into her own.

Willow opened her mouth slightly, intensifying the kiss, the sensation hinting at the familiar yet oh so new. Oxygen became an issue and she reluctantly pulled back.

"Oh," grinned Willow, looking down. "And I'm guessing that red flannel PJs do not sexy lingerie make."

"Don't sell yourself short," said Buffy, touching her nose to Willow's. Willow began to unbutton her top but Buffy stopped her.

"Let me," offered Buffy, eliciting the smallest of smiles from Willow. Buffy undid the last button and looked up at Willow, keeping her eyes on her as she pushed her top past her shoulders, letting it drop to the floor. And then Buffy stood up, waiting for Willow to make the next move. She reached for the knot holding Buffy's robe together and playfully tugged at it, leaving the robe open and loose, though Buffy kept it from dropping to the floor by pressing her elbows against her sides. Willow adjusted the robe so that it hung from her shoulders and then wrapped her arms around Buffy, hugging her.

"Nervous?" whispered Willow into her ear. Buffy leaned her head back just enough so that Willow could see her face but wouldn't look at her.

"Me too," admitted Willow softly. She slowly turned so that their lips were almost touching. Just before they kissed Buffy pulled back.

"Okay," murmured Willow, taking Buffy's hand into her own. Buffy sat on the edge of the bed, appreciating Willow's body but too embarrassed to stare. Willow sat next to her, one arm across her shoulders. She touched Buffy's cheek, her hand barely brushing across her skin. Turning her head ever so slightly, it was Buffy who sought out Willow's lips. This kiss wasn't as long as the first, but when Willow eased away, Buffy was smiling.

"Close your eyes," whispered Willow. Buffy did and felt her pulse quicken, throbbing against Willow's hand on her neck as she anxiously swallowed. Willow slipped Buffy's arms free from her robe, the white terrycloth pooling around her hips as she gently eased Buffy back onto the bed.

Buffy simply nodded once. She felt Willow straddle her but didn't move. Willow brought her lips close to Buffy's mouth but didn't kiss her, moved to her cheek, her neck, barely touching her. A breath on her skin, a caress with hand held the same sensation as a kiss. Moving lower down, letting her hair drift across first one breast and then another, Willow both teased and yet relaxed her lover.

Buffy's lips parted, a single breath sharply drawn in, her fingers tensing, digging into the soft comforter beneath her...

Both wrapped in the bed sheet, Buffy rested her head on her pillow, the pillow they were now sharing, only inches away from Willow's face. Her lips moved, hinting at a smile. And Willow smiled back at her. She ran her fingers through Willow's hair, brushing it aside, playfully caressing it. Willow closed her eyes at the touch.

"Oh yeah," breathed Willow, pressing her cheek against the warmth of Buffy's palm.

"Really? You're not just...I mean, I'm sorry I didn't...you know," winced Buffy.

"Oh, hey, don't be silly! One step at a time here, girlfriend," soothed Willow, smiling. "Gotta walk before you can run and all. No need to rush things."

"Girlfriend. You said...girlfriend," said Buffy, thinking about how that sounded.

"Yeah, I guess I did," laughed Willow. And then her smile faded away. "How do you feel about that?"

"I'm thinking I could get used to the sound of that," nodded Buffy, glancing back at Willow and reaching for her hand. "Um...again, sorry 'bout the fumbling around. Not that..."

They didn't say anything, content to simply drift into each other's gaze, getting lost there. Willow swallowed and felt tears welling up at the corner of her eyes.

"Shh. It's getting late. We'll talk in the morning," promised Buffy, touching a finger to Willow's lips.

"Okay. But...can you stay with me? Might be awkward, what with Dawn, morning, raised eyebrows leading to questions leading to..."

Buffy leaned in and silenced Willow with a kiss, letting her lips linger for a moment. She pulled back and smiled as Willow took in a deep breath.

Willow again felt her eyes becoming moist and she nuzzled against Buffy's shoulder, pulling her close.

"Here," said Buffy, wrapping Willow's arm around her waist as she turned her back and spooned against her.

Willow lay there, eyes wide open, just listening to Buffy breathe, taking in the scent of her hair, her body, squeezing her ever so slightly.

"I have a confession to make," said Buffy softly. Willow tensed, immediately hoping Buffy hadn't noticed.

Buffy raised her eyebrows in surprise and then smiled too. Willow leaned across and brushed her lips across Buffy's mouth.

"Goodnight," whispered Willow into her ear, settling back down against her back.

Buffy entwined her fingers between Willow's and then moved her hand up from her waist until Willow's hand covered her right breast, pressing her arm against her skin.

Willow didn't want to sleep, didn't want this moment to end. She held Buffy, listening to the stillness of the dark, feeling her chest rise and fall, her breath slowing, deepening, her body twitching slightly as she drifted into sleep. Comforted and warm, Willow snuggled close against her and closed her eyes. Soon she was asleep as well.

"...for when I look on you a moment, then I can speak no more, but my
tongue falls silent, and at once a delicate flame courses beneath my
skin, and with my eyes I see nothing, and my ears hum, and a cold
sweat bathes me, and a trembling seizes me all over, and I am paler
than grass, and I feel that I am near death." - Sappho

Groaning but not opening her eyes, Willow hit the snooze button on the alarm clock. And remembering last night, she smiled and rolled onto her side, blindly reaching towards the other side of her bed.

Willow's smile vanished. Not only was she alone, the other side of her bed had been made, covers tucked tightly under the mattress. As if it had all been a dream. Or worse, as if Buffy had tried to hide any evidence of where she might have been last night.

Willow rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, easily ignoring the temptation to be angry but only making the pang of sadness a little worse.

She adjusted the towel covering her hair and stood with her arms crossed over her robe. Standing by the kitchen doorway, it took a moment for anyone to notice her.

"Morning, Willow. Thought I heard the shower running. Hope you're hungry. My sister seems to be overcompensating girl this morning. Probably for supplying me with a steady diet of take-out food. She's cooked more eggs than we could eat even if Xander were here. Which he isn't, might I add," said Dawn, glancing up from a book.

"Dawn, I wish you had finished your homework last night instead of talking on the phone," reprimanded Buffy as she dug some more scrambled eggs from the frying pan she held in her hand onto a plate. "Morning Will."

"Morning," smiled Willow, even as Buffy turned away to put the pan into the sink.

Dawn went back to her reading and Buffy began washing out the pan. Noticing that Dawn had her back to them, Willow stepped over and stood behind Buffy.

"You should have some eggs before they get cold," said Buffy, her attention focused on scrubbing the frying pan clean. When she was done she grabbed a dish towel and dried the pan off before placing it in the dish rack.

Willow slowly lowered her hand, looking from Buffy to Dawn and back. She stood there a moment and then made her way over to the refrigerator. Removing the orange juice, she closed the refrigerator door with her hip and reached for a glass in the dish rack. Without looking, Buffy reached for the same glass. Their hands touched and Buffy pulled away as if she had been shocked, immediately turning to see if Dawn had noticed. Willow stood there, staring at her.

"Dawn, hurry up and eat. I don't want you late for school," said Buffy, a little louder than she meant to.

"Yeah, okay, so you won't be late but if you don't put that book down you won't have time to eat. You can read in the car on the way," said Buffy, pushing past Willow to get another glass out of the cupboard. Dawn snapped the book shut and bit into a piece of toast while rolling her eyes and shaking her head.

"Did you get in late?" asked Dawn with her mouth full. "I got up to get a drink last night and saw that your door was open and your bed was still made."

"Um, yeah. Yeah, I did. And, um, I was so beat that I just crashed on the couch. Down here," added Buffy quickly.

"I kinda know where the couch is, Buffy," replied Dawn, giving her a strange look. Dawn turned her eyes to Willow and Willow realized that she was still just standing there. Snapping out of it, she poured herself a glass of orange juice, watching Buffy out of the corner of her eye and glancing at Dawn to make sure she didn't notice. Standing at the counter, Buffy was playing with her food but not eating. Willow noticed that she was rapidly tapping one foot on the floor.

"Oh, sorry Willow. I'm a little distracted today. I have to meet with some students later and I have no idea what I'm going to say."

"Not really sure. Slipping grades, not paying attention in class or doing their homework. Unless I can get them to talk to me I can only guess what's bothering them. Thing is, they act like nothing's wrong," shrugged Buffy.

"Really. Not talking...acting like nothing's wrong, yet you know something's bothering them. Sounds kinda familiar somehow," said Willow, glaring at her for a moment but then noticing that Dawn was looking at them. Willow looked away and was saved by the sound of Xander's horn in the driveway.

"Yeah, I don't think you slept too good. Thought I heard moaning coming from your room last night. Maybe you can sneak in a nap after class later...or better yet, during class!"

Willow raised her eyebrows but looked at Buffy, not Dawn. Buffy's eyes were wide open and looking right back at Willow.

"Thanks for cleaning up, Will. Have a nice day! Let's go, Dawn," ordered Buffy quickly. Very quickly.

"Alright! Jeez, what's your problem? Xander's like five minutes early," whined Dawn. Willow sat down and watched them leave.

Willow stood in front of her closet with her arms folded across her chest. She heard Buffy enter the room but didn't turn around.

"I can be late. Just have to bat my eyelashes at the principal and, well...I can be late."

"Trying to find something to wear," snapped Willow, still without turning around. Buffy nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed. Willow tried to follow her out of the corner of her eye but wouldn't face her.

Willow finally turned around and faced her, expressionless. She did, however, adjust the robe more snugly around herself.

"I'm sorry about this morning. In the kitchen. With Dawn," said Buffy, one corner of her mouth turned up.

"You didn't do anything wrong," replied Willow, trying not to pout while looking down at the rug. "Nothing to be sorry about."

"No, I was acting all...I don't know. This is all so new to me," winced Buffy, hoping Willow would understand.

"Okay, not so new with the oh-my-you-don't-have-a-penis-and-we- just...well, you know, but yes, a big new to falling for my best friend and, and..."

"I'm sorry," said Buffy again sadly, as if only now understanding how much she had hurt Willow.

"I know. Me too," sighed Willow, holding open her arms. Buffy quickly stepped into the embrace. One lingering hug and then Willow stepped back, still holding on to Buffy.

"I get it. I feel all walking-on-eggshells with Dawn too. When I touched your hand I thought you'd jump out of your skin," sighed Willow.

"But last night, you said, you said we'd talk in the morning. And then no talk, no Buffy, empty bed," frowned Willow, looking over Buffy's shoulder at the bed.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I should've been there. But I heard Dawn in the bathroom and, well..."

"Hey, why don't you wear that new green top I bought?" suggested Buffy, trying to change the subject.

"Okay, I tried it on. But that counts! Besides, it'll really bring out the color in your eyes," added Buffy softly.

Buffy smiled and leaned in, her lips close to Willow's mouth, waiting to be invited in.

"Or so? Well, you could help me...make this...feel that this...isn't...so new," whispered Buffy, her lips dancing around Willows lips.

"I mean, you don't even know the secret handshake yet. Oh! And dues! We have to get you a membership card!" added Willow, slapping her forehead.

Buffy wrinkled her nose at that prospect. And Willow covered her mouth with a hand, trying to stifle a laugh. Giving in to it, Willow shook her head and burst out laughing.

"Hey, another rule here. No tickling," warned Willow wagging a finger at Buffy and quickly becoming worried.

Buffy took a step and with a high pitched squeal Willow ran from the room with a grinning Buffy in pursuit.

"Who else in class is there that we can ask? Oh, how about Mark?" suggested Janice.

"Mark? He wears Velcro laced sneakers because he hasn't mastered the mysteries of tying a shoelace! I don't think he knows what's going on."

The girl who had said hello didn't stop and didn't turn around as she walked away from them.

"I didn't even know she knew my name. And now she's saying hi to me? What's up with that?" asked Dawn, staring down the hall as Marlene disappeared into the crowd.

"Maybe," shrugged Dawn. As they passed other kids on their way to the cafeteria, both Dawn and Janice noticed other girls would stop talking as they walked by yet they would watch them as they passed. As soon as they were far enough away these groups of two or three, congregating around someone's locker, would start talking again.

"Okay, what the hell is going on? Do I have a zit on my face or something?" whispered Dawn while not looking directly at Janice.

"No, don't you get it? Word got around that you've been invited to Carlos' party. I bet you Marlene is going. Congrats, Dawn! You've been booted out of geekdom," smiled Janice.

Dawn was about to laugh or argue but when she thought about it, Janice's assumption made sense.

Dawn noticed another two girls looking at her. At her, not at her and Janice. And Dawn began to smile. In front of the cafeteria they almost bumped into Carlos.

"Okay. Carlos, I wanted to thank you for inviting me to the party. So...how many people are going?" asked Dawn.

"Gotta run. And Dawn, you're gonna have a great time, I promise! I'm glad you and Kit are spending the night. Maybe we'll get videos or something."

"Staying the...what? Um, no, I'm staying over at Kit's house," shouted Dawn as Carlos walked away, waving at her with one hand. Dawn immediately turned and searched the cafeteria to find Kit. Janice caught her eye and waved at her. Dawn held up one finger, signaling that she'd be there in a minute. She looked around again and finally found Kit, laughing at a table with three other girls.

Dawn made her way over to Kit's table, not noticing the disappointed look on Janice's face.

"Well, just for a minute. Janice is waiting for me," frowned Dawn, taking a seat.

"I just talked to Carlos. He said we were sleeping over his house. I thought I was staying at your house."

"Damn, I forgot to tell you, huh? My bad. See, if we stay at my house my mom would want me home by midnight. I mean, come on! What am I, twelve?" sighed Kit.

"Sorry," shrugged Kit. "Is it a problem? You do want to go to the party, right?"

"Dawn, don't worry about it. My mom doesn't care. She'll be glad to have to the house alone with her boyfriend. Trust me, she'll never find out," smiled Kit. "So, again with the sorry. I forgot. But you still want to go, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. Um, I'd better go sit with Janice," said Dawn, forcing a smile.

Dawn made her way over to Janice's table and slumped down into a chair, suddenly not feeling very hungry.

"Dawn, you don't have to sit with me if you don't want to," said Janice. "You probably want to talk about the party. It's cool."

Willow pulled the covers tightly up to her neck, suddenly aware that she was cold. Which could only mean...

Her hand reached out to the empty bed beside her but almost immediately she realized that Buffy was standing by the window, staring out into the night. Willow glanced at the clock; sunrise was only about an hour away. Quietly slipping out of bed, she settled her robe over her shoulders and picked up Buffy's robe off the end of the bed. The moonlight silhouetted Buffy's form, highlighting her face and Willow smiled even as a knot of worry tightened in her stomach.

"Hey. You okay?" asked Willow, standing behind Buffy, the robe draped over one arm.

"Whatcha doin'?" inquired Willow, placing the robe around Buffy without being asked.

"Thinking. Pondering. Contemplating. Wondering. 'Bout...stuff," shrugged Buffy, snuggling into her robe. "Thanks."

"Am I among that pondering and wondering?" asked Willow playfully. Buffy smiled and finally turned around. "Is the word us being contemplated?"

"Buffy...it's me. Oh, wait a minute. You really don't wanna talk about it. Did I...I did something wrong, right?"

"What?" asked Buffy, suddenly blushing. "No, I really liked what you did with..."

"We're going too fast. No, I'm going too fast. Me. Buffy, I'm sorry. You shoulda told me," whined Willow.

"Willow! Take a breath. It's not you," said Buffy, touching her arm. Willow tilted her head, unblinking, doubt on her face.

"Don't be...huh? What the hell are you talking about?" asked Buffy somewhat fearfully.

"It's not my feet, is it?" asked Willow awkwardly, suddenly realizing how silly that sounded.

"It's not your feet," laughed Buffy, though she quickly frowned in confusion. "Wait a minute. Feet? I thought that expression was colder than a witch's..."

"Never mind. It's not any one thing. It's lots of things. It's...yes, this is new for me...but I don't think we're going too fast," added Buffy, taking both of Willow's hands into her own. That alone made Willow smile. And Willow didn't say anything, encouraging Buffy to go on. She did but she let go of Willow's hands.

"Part of the wondering is about me. I have these feelings. These...confusing feelings. I mean, it's not like I'm out there checking out other girls," said Buffy.

"Oh, hey, not that I want you doing that. A big no to the checking out the competition," emphasized Willow, shaking her head.

"Been there," answered Willow. Buffy thought about that for a moment and then nodded.

"Buffy, it's not about body parts. It's about loving another person. That's what makes it special," comforted Willow. Buffy immediately smiled.

"Makes sense. A lot, in fact. I like that. Oh, not that I'm not likin' the body parts," added Buffy quickly. Willow laughed.

"Buffy, you're lucky. You can talk to me. Repeating the been there part for emphasis," smiled Willow.

"You went through this, alone, with no one to talk to. Really getting that perspective now, what you must've been dealing with. I was a bad friend. I wasn't there for you."

"Hello! Whose fault was that? You didn't know! I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't because...because..."

"And you're scared. Buffy, I so get what you're feeling. Only now, you have someone to talk to. Me," smiled Willow.

"Guess I do," grinned Buffy even though she was blushing again. "I'm having a blonde moment."

Buffy opened her mouth, hesitated, then just blurted out what she needed to say.

"Did you? Go too fast, I mean. At first. Just the watercolor version, not the Kodak moment," added Buffy.

"Well, I did have a good teacher. Didn't realize it at the time, but she was even more shy than I was, even though she was comfortable with her sexuality. So, too fast? Let's just say you're way ahead of the learning curve," grinned Willow.

"You're not half-bad either. As far as teachers go," smiled Buffy even as Willow's face became serious.

"You know, it's okay to say her name, Buffy. Tara. You...no one says her name anymore. No one. Yeah, it's still with me, the pain, the...it's like you guys think I'll break down if I hear her name. It's like you want to forget she was ever..."

"Hey, no, it's not like that. Will, no one's ever going to forget her," said Buffy, placing an arm around Willow's waist. "I'm sorry you felt that way."

"I know," whispered Willow. She looked at Buffy and forced herself to smile. "I don't want you to feel all uncomfortable about her. I want you to know I'm not comparing or anything."

"Honest," repeated Buffy softly. She inhaled slowly and nodded. "You're right. It's okay to say Tara's name. I mean...you did...last night."

Buffy felt Willow's body tense under her touch. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't raise her eyes to look at Willow.

"I...what? I said...no, I didn't. I wouldn't," protested Willow weakly. She stood up, looking down at Buffy. Buffy looked up and winced in sympathy but didn't say anything.

"I think you can guess when you called out her name," whispered Buffy, biting her lower lip.

"No," mouthed Willow, no breath escaping her lips. She covered her mouth with one hand and turned around with her head hanging low. Buffy instantly stood up and even though Willow kept her back to her, Buffy wrapped her arms around her, held her, resting her chin on her shoulder.

Buffy turned Willow around and hugged her. Willow pressed her face against her, trying not to cry.

Buffy gave her a moment then eased her back down onto the bed, sitting as close to her as she could. Willow looked up and Buffy smiled for her, gently wiping away Willow's tears with a finger.

"Yeah, I am, aren't I?" boasted Buffy proudly. Even Willow had to laugh at that.

"We're fine. A big yes to fine. And you're not going too fast so get that notion out of there," said Buffy, tapping Willow's head. "If I had a wiggins it was more about me taking advantage of you."

"You?" said Willow, sitting up a little straighter. "You taking advantage of me!?"

"I meant I was worried that this...us," explained Buffy, touching a hand to her chest and then Willow's, "was too soon for you. I know you're still hurting. Will, I've heard you crying in your room at night."

"I wanted to comfort you. Okay, maybe I'm not so good with the talking. But I never knew this would happen. I didn't, I didn't want to hurt you," sighed Buffy, taking Willow's hand.

"That's different! This is me...us," said Willow, cradling Buffy's cheek with her hand.

"Yeah," agreed Buffy. "You're my best friend. More than anything I didn't want to lose that."

"I get that. It's what made me so nervous. It's why I didn't dare act on what I felt. But if it works, what could be better than being with your best friend?"

"Yeah," nodded Buffy. Willow leaned her head on Buffy's shoulder and neither one of them spoke for a while.

"Well, I wish it had come up differently, but we needed to talk about her. She was my friend and sometimes...sometimes I can't help but feel that I'm..."

Buffy didn't finish what she was saying. Willow raised her head and gently lifted Buffy's chin so that she would look at her.

"Feel what? Like you're cheating on her? Betraying her?" suggested Willow softly. Buffy winced and nodded.

"Her ghost is in the room with us, Will. But maybe now that we...no, not we. I mean now that I have said that, out loud..."

"We," corrected Willow. "We said it. Buffy, more than anything else, Tara would want me to be happy. And I am...because of you."

Buffy smiled and Willow quickly leaned in for a kiss, pulling away much sooner than Buffy wanted.

"Come on, let's go back to bed. Maybe we can get in an hour's sleep before we have to get up," suggested Willow.

"Yes, sleep. We're talking some serious snuggle time," said Willow seriously, trying not to smile. They each slipped out of their robes. Buffy sat up enough to slide in under the covers, pulling Willow in after her.

"Still, if you wanna cop a feel, that would be within the parameters of a snuggle," winked Willow.

"Big tease," grinned Buffy. And there, in her arms, her grin was replaced with concern.

"I had another for coming," pouted Buffy. Willow silenced her with a lingering kiss.

"To answer your question, I'm fine. In fact I'm way past fine. I'm...how can I describe it? Being with you is like having my cake and eating it too," said Willow firmly.

"It might be a good suggestion in mixed company," agreed Buffy. Buffy stroked Willow's hair away from her forehead, staring deeply into those green eyes.

Buffy eased the door shut behind, turning the handle so that it wouldn't click into place. Pleased with her efforts to be quiet, she smiled and turned to sneak back into her room. And almost bumped into Dawn.

"Um, yeah. Good morning. Buffy...did you sleep in Willow's room last night?" asked Dawn, somewhat confused..

"What? Oh, uh, well, yeah, I did. See, um, Willow woke up. I mean I heard her. Wake up. During the night. She was having a nightmare," nodded Buffy.

"And I calmed her down, told her I'd stay until she fell asleep. She was pretty upset. Guess I fell asleep too," shrugged Buffy.

"Yep. In fact, I told her that maybe it would be a good idea if I slept with her. Just for a few nights. You know, to, um..."

"Buffy, you don't have to explain. That's nice, what you're doing. You're a good friend," smiled Dawn.

"You know what I mean," laughed Dawn. "Although with your friends, ya never know who's kissing who!"

"Think about it. Xander liked you, Willow liked Xander, Anya loved Xander, Xander kissed Willow, you slept with Spike, Anya slept with Spike..."

"Maybe he is, maybe he isn't," countered Buffy, grinning. Dawn blinked but didn't fall for it.

"Here's a warning, if there's a thunderstorm, don't be surprised if I sneak in under the covers too!"

"Unless breakfast involves pouring dry cereal into a bowl, the answer is no," warned Buffy.

"I know you're confused
I know that you're shaking
You think that we've lost
Once we begin
I know you're weak
I know that you want me
Lover don't speak
Let me in - Melissa Etheridge"

"No, she said she'd be here. She's not that late. Don't want to be the first ones there, you know?" said Dawn, staring out the front window.

"No. Thank you. She'll be here," said Dawn, very firmly and without turning around. Hanging her head for a moment, she finally turned to face Buffy. When she spoke her voice was in a much softer tone.

"Have a good time," smiled Buffy. Dawn glanced back out the window and immediately reached for her backpack on the floor by the front door.

"The brownies! Thanks," winced Dawn. She ran into the kitchen and came back out with a foil covered plate in one hand.

"Bye. And be careful!" added Buffy, getting a rolling of the eyes from Dawn just before she shut the front door.

Dawn met Carlos on the front walk before he could make it all the way to her front door and was surprised to see Kit waiting out by the street. She was looking up at a streetlight, seemingly fascinated with it.

"Hey. Sorry we're late," shrugged Carlos." Would've been here sooner but I had to get a few things set up back at the house."

"Oh, thanks. I made some brownies. They probably suck, but hey," shrugged Dawn as she handed the plate to Carlos and adjusted her backpack on her shoulder. "Um, what's up with Kit?"

"Kit? She's fine. She just started to party a little earlier than everyone else, that's all."

"Wow, that's like so cool! Why's the light so yellow?" laughed Kit. Dawn looked up and then gave Kit a very puzzled look.

"Hey, Kit. Why don't we get back to the party?" asked Carlos, trying not to look at Dawn. He held out his arm and Kit laughed as she hooked her arm into his, letting herself be led along.

"Carlos, you should've seen the sky...before it got dark, I mean. Can't see it now," laughed Kit. "The clouds were purple and, and oh! The trees! The trees were red! It was so weird."

Carlos laughed and glanced at Dawn, his face going silent as she stared at him. He started to lead Kit away and Dawn, hesitating at first, followed closely behind, casting one last look over her shoulder as they walked away from her house.

Buffy almost entered Willow's room but, unseen, stepped back and looked in from around the door. Willow was standing in front of the mirror, getting ready to go with her on patrol. She was brushing her hair and rummaging through a drawer, looking for a certain shade of lipstick. Knowing Willow was doing this for her only made Buffy smile even more. After all, it wasn't as if Willow got all dressed up for patrolling in the past.

She put the brush down and finally settled on a dark shade of red, quickly applying it and rolling her lips together. Satisfied with her reflection, Willow dropped the lipstick into the drawer. Thinking she would turn around, Buffy pulled back a little but still peered in. Yet Willow didn't move. Curious, Buffy leaned forward a little for a better look.

Willow was just standing there, staring at something on the dresser. But it wasn't until her hand slowly reached out to pick it up that Buffy knew what held her gaze. She was holding a framed photograph of her and Tara, one that Dawn had taken with her new camera. Only the slightest droop of her shoulders betrayed any emotion from Willow. Buffy wanted to look away but her body refused to move.

Willow brought the photo closer to her face and with two fingers gently traced a line on the cold smooth surface, as if wanting to touch Tara's hair. She lowered her hand, hesitating, taking in one last longing gaze and, as Buffy's mouth dropped open, Willow gently placed the photograph face down in the still open drawer among her lipsticks and perfumes, tissues and makeup. Silently closing the drawer, Willow leaned against the dresser palms down, gathering herself for a moment. When she turned around Buffy walked into the room.

"Hey. Ready to go?" asked Buffy, with neither her face nor her voice betraying the turmoil she felt.

"Yeah. I think I am," nodded Willow. She walked over to Buffy and held out her hand. Buffy took it and turned to face the door.

"Thanks," answered Willow, giving Buffy's hand a grateful squeeze. "Now let's go kill something."

Laughing, Buffy glanced once over her shoulder to look back at the dresser and then, hand in hand, led Willow out into the night.

"Come on! Kit's more than just drunk. I'm not going in there until you tell me."

They both stopped and glanced back at Kit. She was just staring at the ground with her arms wrapped tightly around herself as if she were cold. Very cold.

"Stoned? Carlos, people don't act like this when they smoke pot!" snapped Dawn, though suddenly she wasn't so sure. "Do they?"

"Sometimes. My older brother had some fry sticks. Kit bought one off him," explained Carlos.

"Come on, you know. Fry. A joint soaked in embalming fluid. Burns slower, makes the high last longer, makes it more intense," shrugged Carlos.

"Embalming fluid! You've got to be kidding me! They put that stuff in dead people and you smoke it!?" yelled Dawn.

"Why do you think they call it fry? It fries your brain! Hey, what's with the all righteous act all of a sudden? No one made her do it, it was her choice!" yelled Carlos.

Carlos looked back at Kit and slowly turned to face Dawn, doubt creeping into his eyes.

"Sometimes...sometimes they treat the fry. Add stuff," shrugged Carlos, his voice small.

"Don't know. Could be PCP. Look, she'll come down in an hour or so. Let's just..."

"It's my parents! What the hell are they doing here? Dawn, you gotta get Kit away from here. Now!"

"I don't know! My parents are gonna freak when they find all these people in the house...not to mention the beer!"

"Dawn, my mom knows Mrs. Holburn! Kit's in trouble enough at school. If she finds out...we're not talking about just grounding here, Dawn. Kit could get suspended!"

"Dawn, look, there's no time to argue. Just get her outta here, okay?" begged Carlos, glancing back towards his house.

"Thanks. You're a real friend. I owe you!" said Carlos, leaving her alone with Kit.

"You know exactly what you're doing. We should be patrolling. Well, I mean, that is why we're in a cemetery in the middle of the night," sighed Buffy.

"And you find my hand rubbing up and down your arm...distracting, somehow?" smiled Willow.

"Well, it's just not proper...procedure. I mean, Giles was right. There are certain rules and protocols one follows when...Willow, what are you...oh, that's...oh yeah, maybe, maybe just a little lower," gasped Buffy.

"Buffy! You're so tense!" said Willow, sliding her hands down from Buffy's neck, massaging her back between the shoulder blades now, pressing her thumbs gently but firmly into her flesh.

"Wow, that's...Willow, something tells me you've done this before," groaned Buffy, closing her eyes. "I had no idea that...oh my..."

"You didn't know my hands could do this?" smiled Willow. "Are you ever in for a surprise or three!"

"Shh. Relax. It's just me, you, my hands, one very naughty imagination and...and one really ugly vampire!" shouted Willow.

Buffy's eyes opened just in time to see a fist coming right at her face. She turned but too late and the stinging blow knocked her to the ground.

The vampire ignored Willow and knelt over Buffy, leering at what it assumed to be an easy kill. Willow lunged at him but the creature thrust an elbow at her, knocking the air from her lungs. She was hurled backwards, the small of her back catching the corner of a tombstone before she collapsed on the cold ground. Gasping, unable to breathe, Willow couldn't speak...and so was helpless to help Buffy with a spell. Buffy tried to rise but the vampire's legs had pinned her arms beneath him. Growling, the vampire grabbed Buffy's hair with both hands and yanked hard, exposing her neck.

Still trying to force air into her lungs, Willow raised herself up on one elbow and saw Buffy's face, her eyes wide open in fear. Willow's eyes suddenly went completely black.

The vampire's hands went to his own throat and, snarling in anger, he turned to glare at the girl behind him. Willow was up on one knee now, one fist clenched tightly shut out in front of her. Suddenly whimpering in pain, the vampire stood and took a step towards Willow. Buffy winced as the night echoed with the wet sound of cracking bone. The vampire stumbled forward blindly, desperately groping for Willow.

A blue flame burst outward from the vampire's chest, quickly consuming its upper torso. With a muffled shriek the vampire exploded. The silence that followed was empty and deep. Speechless, Buffy looked at Willow. Wincing in pain, Willow looked away.

Buffy scrambled to her side as Willow fell to her hands and knees but Willow kept her head turned from her.

"Willow, are you hurt? Are you okay?" demanded Buffy desperately, one arm around her shoulder.

"Buffy, please. I, I don't want you to see me like this," pleaded Willow. Willow slowly sat down, careful to avoid looking at Buffy. Buffy reached out and put a hand on Willow's cheek, gently prodding her to turn her head. Willow knew that Buffy was stronger but she also knew that Buffy wouldn't force her to look at her unless she wanted to. Buffy smoothed Willow's hair to one side of her face and Willow finally looked up.

Willow's eyes were completely black. A single tear ran down her cheek as her lower lip trembled.

"I'm sorry. It, it just happened. I didn't mean to...Buffy, I'm sorry, I didn't want to..."

"Shhh. Willow, it doesn't matter. As long as you're not hurt. As long as you're safe," comforted Buffy.

"It's okay. I don't care that you used magic! Just, just talk to me! Are you okay?" begged Buffy. Willow nodded but looked down at her hand, still pressed against her side.

Buffy silenced her by placing her lips on Willow's, lingering just long enough to make Willow understand it was time to change the subject. Kissing her cheek and then her forehead, Buffy cupped Willow's cheek with one hand and smiled for her.

"I mighta broke a rib or two," winced Willow. "It hurts to breathe. Well, it did...until you took my breath away."

Buffy smiled, her nervous tension disappearing as she realized Willow wasn't hurt as badly as she had feared.

"Lay down. Let me see," ordered Buffy. She helped Willow ease down onto her back and reached for the top snap on her windbreaker, popping it open. Willow swallowed hard as Buffy moved down to the next snap. Opening this one, Willow inhaled sharply. Their eyes met and Buffy smiled as Willow nodded once at her. Sliding her hand along the jacket, Buffy worked the next snap free. Willow responded with a barely audible moan.

Holding the last snap in her fingers, Buffy popped it open and Willow gasped. Pushing aside the jacket and slipping her hand under Willow's shirt, Buffy gently eased her fingers across Willow's stomach, feeling Willow's body tense in anticipation. Finally touching her ribs, Buffy's fingers gently probed and explored as she watched Willow's reaction.

"Does this hurt?" asked Buffy. Willow, her eyes still dark, stared back at Buffy, not even breathing.

"Only when you take your hand away," whispered Willow, slowly smiling. Buffy blinked in surprise but managed to smile.

Buffy left her threat unfinished and Willow laughed, immediately wincing with the pain but only laughing even more. Straddling her now, one knee beside Willow's hip and the other between her legs, Buffy leaned forward, her hair falling down, brushing Willow's face. Willow reached up with both arms to pull Buffy to her but Buffy resisted, intently watching Willow's eyes.

"Sorry. I, I almost forgot. But they'll change back. Soon," nodded Willow. "I shouldn't have..."

Again Buffy silenced her with a kiss, this one harder, more possessive in its intensity.

"Willow," whispered Buffy as she pulled away. Willow didn't answer but didn't look away either.

"Willow, you might find this amusing, but, um...see, I'm usually the one who, uh...leads the dance. The sure, confident one who knows what to do," sighed Buffy softly.

"Yeah. I guess. But it's also about letting go, not holding back. And this is new. So new."

Buffy paused and then kissed Willow, her lips barely brushing against hers, yet more of a promise then a tease.

"Tell you what," whispered Buffy in a husky voice, her breath warm against Willow's cheek. "I'll do anything you ask. Anything."

Again Buffy brushed her lips across Willow's and this time Willow arched her neck, urgently seeking out Buffy's mouth.

"But you have to tell me exactly what you want. Understand?" smiled Buffy. "Exactly. What. You. Want."

Willow's mouth met Buffy's but Buffy's kiss was soft, tender, barely urgent. Willow opened her eyes, perplexed.

"I know," nodded Buffy. "I know what you want...but hey, I still like to be in charge."

Grinning, Buffy kissed Willow before she could react, this time the embrace hard and passionate. Willow pressed herself against Buffy's knee, again trying to pull her closer. The moon above drifted past a cloud, its soft light flooding the graveyard, silhouetting the two lovers as they became lost in the dance.

"Got a six-pack under my coat," smiled Kit. She leaned her face close to Dawn's and whispered. "I hid it."

Finding that very amusing, Kit broke out into laughter and took another gulp from the beer can she held, almost choking with the effort.

"You know, I don't really think you need that," frowned Dawn, reaching for the can.

"Just going to crash for a little while. I know this place where no one will bother us. I hope," added Dawn, under her breath.

Dawn stopped walking, realizing that Kit was no longer at her side. She turned and saw her standing completely motionless, her eyes growing wide.

"Dawn...this is a cemetery. What are we doing in a cemetery? At night. In the dark," said Kit, fear very evident in her voice.

"Oh, hey, it's cool. I want to show you this place. We can hang out there for a while," encouraged Dawn.

"Dawn, I don't know," winced Kit, holding herself as she seemed to be cold again, like before.

"I've been here plenty of times. You'll love it! Trust me, you'll see," smiled Dawn.

Kit allowed Dawn to pull her forward but her eyes darted around, never settling on anything for more than a second or two.

"Dawn, someone's here. Someone's watching us. Can't you feel it? Can't you?" gasped Kit.

"Shh, there's no one here. Who would be nuts enough to come into a cemetery at night?" laughed Dawn bravely, though she searched the shadows and tombstones around them now as well.

Tugging on Kit's sleeve, Dawn pulled her along, relieved when they finally stood in front of Spike's crypt. She smiled for her but Kit's eyes, though wide open, were unfocused and Dawn doubted that she even noticed. Shouldering the door open, Dawn quickly lit several candles, recalling where they were in the dark from her many visits here. Turning, she was surprised to see that Kit had followed her in. Dawn closed the door tightly behind them.

"It's hot in here," said Kit, dropping both the six pack and the beer can she held onto the floor.

"No. No, it's too hot in here!" shouted Kit, clawing at her coat. She frantically tore it off and tossed it aside.

But Kit only became more agitated now, scratching at her skin and obviously unaware that Dawn was even in the room with her.

Not knowing what else to do, Dawn tackled Kit, pinning her arms to her sides. They crashed down hard on the floor and Kit began to cry, whimpering wordless sounds.

"Shh. It's okay. It's okay," comforted Dawn, yet holding on tightly. "I'm here. I'm right here."

Outside the crypt a booted heel ground out a cigarette into the dirt. Kit had been right about one thing; they weren't alone in the cemetery.

"I wasn't going to tell you...but you have, like...straw in your hair," grinned Buffy. She pulled a dry twig from Willow's hair as proof, holding it up proudly in front of Willow's face.

"Well, you look like you've had a roll in the hay too, ya know!" laughed Willow, running her hands through her hair.

"Maybe we should get cleaned up," sighed Buffy. "After all, we wouldn't want the neighbors to talk."

"This cleaning up...does it involve getting undressed in the same room?" asked Willow innocently.

"Hey, where's all this fabled Slayer strength I've been hearing about?" pouted Willow.

Buffy immediately grabbed Willow's hand and ran for her front door, pulling Willow along with her.

Skin slick with perspiration, panting to catch her breath, Buffy rolled onto her back and turned her head to smile at Willow.

"Wow, that was...you know, I never even thought of that. Hell, even after, I wouldn't think it was possible," grinned Buffy.

"Where there's a Will, there's a way," laughed Willow, finally catching her breath too.

"It's not so much how slow you go, it's more the not being able to move much more than, well, slow," sighed Willow contentedly.

"There's that," agreed Buffy. She reached over and brushed Willow's damp hair away from her forehead, playfully twirling a strand around her finger.

"No," laughed Willow. "Girls being plural, meaning there's more than one, meaning there'd be a duet or two. You hearing two girls in harmony?"

"Yeah. I think you were," managed Willow, her voice breaking. "For the record, it's Norah Jones. Nice mellow, non-distracting background music. Wouldn't want you getting distracted."

"Distracted? Willow, a moose could have come wallowing through this room and I wouldn't have been distracted!"

"Oh, I'm happy. And I didn't think I could be, like, ever again," said Willow, snuggling closer against Buffy's body. Buffy smiled and stopped playing with Willow's hair, instead slipping an arm under her neck and pulling her closer.

"Because your words say one thing but your body tells me another," replied Buffy.

"My body's too numb to move, never mind tell you a story," protested Willow. Buffy waited patiently, knowing she didn't have to ask again.

"I understand you not being comfortable with the telling...but sooner or later," said Willow.

"Yeah," agreed Buffy, swallowing nervously. "Guess it would be worth it if only to see the expression on Xander's face."

"For example," agreed Willow. "But I think it would be cool instead of just us being happy, our friends could be happy for us."

Buffy nodded but didn't say anything. Willow turned and rested her head on one hand, propped up by her elbow and looked down at Buffy.

"I'd be with you, Buffy, and, and we could tell one person at a time. Kinda ease into it, you know?"

Willow pulled Buffy into a hug and just held her. Buffy welcomed the embrace, letting the sensation of Willow's skin on her own wash over her. But Buffy's eyes were wide open...and she knew shouldn't wouldn't fall asleep.

"Hold on, hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell.
Hold on, hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell.
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing.
My love, you know that you're my best friend
You know that I'd do anything for you.
My love, let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true.
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow
And will see another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile across your face.
Hold on, hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell." -
Sarah McLachlan

"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in
filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it
run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which
makes the heart run over." - James Boswell

Buffy heard the knock at the front door and looked out the window instead of at the clock. It was almost sunrise. Willow was asleep next to her, one hand draped across her waist. Slowly sliding away and slipping out from under the covers, Buffy quickly threw on her robe and pulled the belt tight across her waist. Willow never moved. The knock came again and Buffy swore under her breath as she hurried down the stairs.

"All right all ready! Whoever the hell you are, this had better be important!" muttered Buffy.

She opened the door and stood face to face with Spike, one of his hands raised in an attempt to again knock on the door.

"Spike!" whispered Buffy firmly. "What are you doing here? And what's with the knocking? You don't need an invite in!"

"Just being polite," said Spike with a straight face. And Buffy realized that he was being serious. "Still, would it be rude to ask if I could come in, what with the sun rising and all?"

"Well...have you checked little bit's room tonight? I'm thinking you might be surprised to find her bed made already."

"Spike, Dawn's sleeping over a friend's house. And how did you know she wasn't in her room?" asked Buffy.

"Because she's not sleeping at a friend's house. She spent the night in my old crypt. Not sure what she was up to...none of my business, of course...but I stood watch, made sure she didn't get an unwanted visitor or two. Need I remind you that my kind doesn't need to be invited into a crypt."

"Stayed as late as I could. You know, the sun coming up, my sensitive skin... still, you might want to put some clothes on and check up on her."

Buffy ran towards the stairs but paused at the first step, looking back at Spike.

"I told you, research. Buffy, we weren't hiding anything from you," said Willow, trying to keep up with Buffy's pace. "You've got enough stuff to worry about! If it turned out to be something to worry about, well, then I would've worried about it for you."

Buffy stopped at the door to Spike's crypt and looked back at Willow, one hand on the doorknob.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. It's just...hey, are you alright?" asked Buffy.

"Yeah," nodded Willow, panting. She leaned over, hands on knees. "I don't care if you are the Slayer, how can you not be out of breath?"

"Let's just hope Dawn is safe and sound in here," said Buffy, turning the doorknob and giving the door a shove. "That way I can wring her neck."

They stood in the doorway, neither of them moving. Empty beer cans were strewn about the floor. Buffy wrinkled her nose at the distinct sour smell of vomit. Their eyes quickly adjusted to the semi- darkness and each followed a trail on the floor deeper into the crypt. First were a pair of boots, then a jacket, a shirt, a bra...and then Dawn popped her head up from beneath a blanket, her eyes growing incredibly wide. Dawn's mouth opened but no sound came out. Groaning and rubbing her eyes, a bare-shouldered Kit sat up next to Dawn, squinting at the intruders, trying to comprehend what was happening.

Dawn pushed Kit back down and pulled the blanket up over her again. Willow slowly turned her head to look at Buffy. Buffy just stood there, mouth open, unblinking and slightly pale.

"Dawn...what the hell is going on?" demanded Buffy, hands sliding upwards to rest on her hips. She took one step in, her shoe crunching on wind-blown debris, small stones, crumbling masonry.

"Look, I can explain everything. Really!" said Dawn, once again pushing Kit back down.

"Willow, stay out of this! I don't need to hear you defending your lifestyle choices at the moment!" barked Buffy, glaring briefly at Willow but quickly turning back to face her sister.

It took Willow a moment to understand what she thought she had heard. Stunned, any pain inflicted by Buffy's hurtful words was quickly replaced with anger.

Buffy glared at Dawn, breathing hard, fighting to remain calm. Failing, she turned to face Willow.

Willow glared right back at her, only getting even more upset now than before. Suddenly Buffy looked like she might actually cry.

"I can't, I can't handle this!" snapped Buffy, shaking her head. She turned and ran out of the crypt. Willow took one step after her but stopped, her shoulders slumping as she closed her eyes.

Willow reluctantly opened her eyes and looked over at the two girls. Dawn raised one side of her mouth in a forced smile.

Distracted by a sudden noise, Willow looked back towards the open crypt door...and saw that it had begun to rain. Exhaling a sigh, she looked back at Dawn but Dawn wouldn't meet her glare.

Her door was open so Willow didn't look up when she heard the knock. She just sat on the edge of her bed, hands to either side of her, eyes intent on the floor.

Willow slowly raised her eyes to stare at Dawn but her expression was empty, devoid of any hint of emotion. If anything she looked tired.

"Well, all things considered, that little talk went better than expected. Then again, I did all of the talking. Buffy kinda just seemed to be looking at me but not seeing me...if that makes any sense. Like she was distracted. Oh, she nodded a few times, but the silent treatment? Can't believe I'm saying this but I wished she woulda yelled at me," sighed Dawn.

Willow went back to staring at the floor. Dawn frowned. Keeping her eyes on Willow, she started to chew on her thumbnail.

"Willow, I did the best that I could. We fell asleep. I wasn't going to stay there. Okay, I was a little wigged and maybe I should've done...I don't know, something else. But I'm sorry."

"Dawnie, I want you to know something. Guess I should've told you this instead of thinking...instead of hoping that you already knew. I don't care if you've been drinking, or, or stealing a car, or...well, it doesn't matter what you've done. If you need me, anytime, anytime at all, just call me and I'll come get you. No questions asked. None. Understand? I don't care if it's three in the morning."

"And we solved the embalming fluid mystery," grinned Dawn, although her enthusiasm faded when Willow went back to staring at the floor.

"Better. Still has a wicked headache. At least her mom didn't find out about..."

"Doesn't matter. She, uh...she was upset. Buffy needed to lash out and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time," shrugged Willow.

"No. Willow, she's upset but with herself! She's so embarrassed that she can't bear to face you. I mean, she's mortified. Why do you think I got off so easy? She didn't even yell at me! I checked the weather report this morning and hell hasn't frozen over yet so it's still the same old Buffy, she's still my sister. So why ain't I tarred and feathered and grounded until I'm like sixty?"

"Same old Buffy," repeated Willow, smiling to herself. "You may be closer to the truth than you think, Dawn."

"Yes, you do! Talk about it, fight, scream, whatever! But get it out of your system. You can't not talk about this," insisted Dawn.

"She doesn't know how! And what if she doesn't? You're just, what? Giving up? You don't give up that easily. Especially with her. When did this moment of surrender happen? Where was I?"

Willow immediately jerked her head up and Dawn, just for a moment, thought she saw Willow blush but Willow turned away from her, hiding the ache in her green eyes.

"Dawn, I'm going out. I need some air," announced Willow, standing up and walking past her.

"Just leave me alone, okay?" yelled Willow, waving a hand at Dawn. Dawn's mouth opened and she looked away. Without waiting for an answer Willow turned and ran down the stairs. A moment later Dawn winced when she heard the front door slam.

The sun had set more than an hour ago when Willow finally came home. She shook her umbrella a few times and then closed it, letting it drop to the floor. There were no lights on in the house. Taking in a deep breath, Willow took a few steps towards the kitchen but stopped. Buffy stood at the front window with her back to her.

"Hey. Whatcha doin'?" called Willow. But Buffy never turned around. She stood at the window, staring out into the darkness as the rain pelted the glass. Willow walked towards her and only now Buffy did turn to face her, eyes puffy and red from crying.

"Yeah. Guess we need to talk. Sorry I was gone so long. I had to, um, do some thinking, you know?" shrugged Willow.

Willow reached for her but Buffy stepped back, avoiding her hand. Willow froze, her hand still outstretched before her.

"Wh-what? I don't...Buffy, I...no. No! Of course not!" cringed Willow. "How could you..."

"I, I can't...this isn't working. I tried to...oh God. I don't know how to say this," sniffed Buffy, wiping her eyes. She looked up at Willow but had to look away.

"Buffy?" whispered Willow, her voice breaking. Buffy turned to face the window again.

"I can't do this anymore. It's not fair to you. I...I don't feel what you feel. I thought I could."

"But I don't. And I was so afraid this might happen. What...oh God, what do we do now?" winced Buffy.

Dazed, Willow had to reach out her hand to lean against the wall. Her face was pale and her breath came in short, shallow gasps.

"Buffy, I, I...what did I do? I did something wrong. I know I did! Buffy, what did I do? I can't...Buffy!" pleaded Willow, tears clouding her eyes.

"This isn't happening. It isn't," said Willow, looking down at the floor, suddenly feeling sick to her stomach.

"It's not your fault! It's me. Willow...I can't feel anything. I tried, I really did. I'm dead inside!" yelled Buffy, one hand thumping her chest.

"No. No, you were happy. We were happy! You can't fake what I felt, what we did," cried Willow.

Willow clenched her eyes shut and turned her back on Buffy, one hand covering her mouth.

"But it doesn't change anything! It's not love. I'm just, just using you. You know that. Deep down, I know you do," said Buffy, her voice faltering.

"No. No," repeated Willow, louder this time, shaking her head. She turned and glared at Buffy, fists clenched, tears streaming down her cheeks. And then the anger left as the pain washed over her. With her back to the wall, Willow slid down into a sitting position, sobbing uncontrollably. Buffy took a step towards her and Willow looked up. The agony in her eyes terrified Buffy and she couldn't take another step.

"Buffy...I love you," gasped Willow. Tears welling up at the corners of her eyes, Buffy forced herself not to look away.

Buffy stepped past her, hesitated, then quickly walked away. Willow closed her eyes, head in her hands. She never heard the door close but the silence of the house pressed down upon her. And Willow knew that she was alone.

"No," cried Willow, fighting back the anxiety, the helplessness that threatened to overwhelm her.

"No!" she yelled, louder this time, finding strength in her denial. Willow stood uneasily and ran for the door, running into the night without bothering to shut the door behind her.

She looked to the left, the right...and saw Buffy walking away, passing under a streetlight. Willow shivered, the cold rain already soaking into her clothes, causing her blouse to cling to her back. She ran after Buffy, her footsteps echoing as she splashed through puddles of dark water.

"Buffy!" screamed Willow. Buffy stopped but didn't turn around until Willow caught up with her. Panting, hands on her knees, Willow looked up at Buffy in such pain that Buffy had to look away, her lips trembling.

"Why?" begged Willow, pleading for understanding, for pity, for anything. "Why?"

Willow slowly stood, her mouth open, eyes narrowed in confusion. But even more than that, Willow was afraid.

"You're a fool, Willow Rosenberg. Did you actually think your best friend would ever become your lover?" challenged Buffy, eyes hard now, menacing. She slowly began to circle Willow but Willow didn't move. Instead she followed Buffy intently, turning her head to keep her in sight.

Willow winced but kept her eyes on Buffy, forcing herself to keep her breath even.

"A vampire, a Slayer, both supernatural beings...can you even imagine their stamina? Could you even hope to satisfy her like he did?"

"Think about it. That first morning, in the kitchen with Dawn. She acted as if nothing had happened the night before. Now why was that?" grinned Buffy, circling around Willow to once again stand in front of her.

"She didn't want to tell your friends...can't tell them something that never happened."

"I didn't lie to you, witch. Buffy is dead inside, can't feel a thing now. So how could she possibly love you?" cackled Buffy.

Willow flinched and almost stumbled, unsteady on her feet. Suddenly she swung the back of her hand at Buffy's face...and her hand passed right through, the sensation stinging like an icy and cloying fog.

"No...but I can possess people, manipulate them, make them do things...things they never would do, things that would disgust them," said Buffy, smiling as she got right up close to Willow's face. "If they could only remember."

This Buffy laughed, her harsh words colder than the rain that now pelted Willow's face. And when Willow looked at this Buffy now her eyes were dark.

Willow took a step back without realizing it. But her eyes were even blacker now.

And Willow did want to inflict pain upon this thing. The rage within her rose, her hands trembling as she took a step back towards this girl, this impostor. Her lips parted, forming the first word of an incantation...but Willow looked away, knowing she didn't possess the courage to satisfy this fury, to satiate the hatred welling up inside.

"That's too obvious, isn't it?" challenged Buffy, hands on her hips. "Maybe I only want you to think that. Maybe...maybe you really can hurt me. Could it be I'm afraid of you, Willow Rosenberg? Won't know until you try."

Willow clenched her fists, trying to control her anger, trying to slow her breathing, her eyes matching the stygian emptiness of the night around them. Buffy smiled...and Willow looked away. Buffy stepped right in front of her, her face almost touching Willow's own. But Willow felt no breath on her skin from this Buffy, only a penetrating coldness that was almost painful to be near.

"Buffy needs pain to feel. It's the only thing that lets her know she's alive. Give me that pain...and I won't hurt her," whispered Buffy.

"You were one hell of a lover, Will," whispered Buffy. "I could taste the abyss on your lips. It lingers, long after the kiss."

Buffy stepped back...and then simply vanished. Somewhere in the cold night a dog barked twice and then was silent.

Willow slowly sat down on the curb, ignoring the rain plastering her hair against her face, her blouse clinging slick to her back...ignoring the cold that numbed her fingers and seemed to seep into her very soul. She drew her knees up close and wrapped her arms around them. Her lower lip trembled but the tears wouldn't come; she was way beyond tears. Rocking back and forth, Willow tried to simply breathe, forcing the air into her lungs.

And then she remembered. Her hand shaking, she slipped it into her pocket, her legs now splayed out before her. Struggling with the wet fabric, her hand emerged and she opened her palm.

A single pebble, worn smooth with time. Time heals, soothes all wounds. Wasn't that what she had told Dawn? Yet Willow drew no comfort from the lesson. Her hand closed and now the tears did come. Willow made no effort to hold them back. And she flung the stone as hard as she could into the night. She covered her face with her hands, sobs wracking her body, the tears stinging even in the icy rain.

Willow heard the footsteps splashing towards her and looked up, already knowing who was approaching. And deeply dreading it.

Buffy stopped, frozen by the pain, the lost look on Willow's face. She slowly knelt down by her side.

"Willow, are you hurt? Are you okay?" asked Buffy, grasping for reassurance. She reached out to touch Willow but Willow drew back, recoiling as Buffy's hand came near her shoulder. Buffy withdrew her hand as if it had been slapped away.

"We've been looking for you for hours. Where did you go? Will, what I said before, I'm so sorry. I, I don't know how you can forgive..."

"It was that, that thing. Again," winced Willow, frantically gasping for breath, forcing herself not to cry.

"It told me things, things I wanted to hear, things...things I so wanted to believe. But they were lies. All lies. I should've known. I should've..."

"Buffy, please! Not now. Please," begged Willow, glancing at her but quickly looking away.

Buffy made to reach for Willow, to hold her, but froze when she saw Willow look at her hand out of the corner of her eye. Suddenly understanding, Buffy's eyes grew wide.

"This thing took someone's form, someone you trusted. Someone you loved," said Buffy.

"Tara," whispered Buffy, the name laced with bitter sadness. Buffy sat down on the curb next to Willow but wouldn't look at her.

"But...who else could it be? It makes sense. Show you what you need most, as impossible it seems...who could reach you, touch you more than her?"

Willow's head snapped around, the anguish in her eyes so visible Buffy had to look away.

Buffy turned, hesitated for a moment, then began to walk away. Willow quickly stood up.

"It was you," said Willow, biting her lower lip. Buffy walked over to Willow and put her hand on her shoulder. Willow didn't move and as she looked into Buffy's eyes she fought desperately not to cry.

Willow tried to speak but couldn't. The rain wasn't falling any harder but it suddenly seemed louder in the silence between them. Buffy eased her arm around Willow's shoulder, pulling her in, holding her close.

"Damn it, Willow! Why are you doing this? Haven't I...Willow, I've shared your bed with you, my body...don't push me away. Share this with me. Please," begged Buffy. "Please!"

Willow blinked, her mouth dropping open. And then her eyes opened wide. Very wide.

Willow leaned in and kissed Buffy on the mouth...and Buffy quickly responded, eagerly returning the kiss. Willow pulled away, smiling at a very confused Buffy.

"She lied! She told me it was her and not you! That you never slept with me. That it wasn't you!" laughed Willow excitedly.

Willow hugged Buffy so fast that she lost her balance and they fell to the sidewalk. Willow's lips were on her mouth, her neck, smothering Buffy until Willow rolled away, still laughing. Even Buffy couldn't help but smile.

"Willow," said Buffy, leaning on one elbow. "Do you know what we must look like?"

"Like lovers in love," answered Willow quickly. Buffy smiled again and tenderly pushed Willow's wet hair from her face.

"What did it say that you could have believed its lies?" asked Buffy, shaking her head.

"Buffy, this thing knows us. Somehow it can get inside, knows what we're afraid of, understands what buttons to push. It told me that you were dead inside, that you could no longer feel love. That you hurt yourself just to feel! I should've known that wasn't true. I'm sorry."

"It wanted me to use magicks, to fight it...so that I would lose myself again. Buffy, I almost did! I almost..."

"Shh. You were stronger. Maybe it is afraid of you. Willow, maybe you can hurt it."

Willow sat up and pulled Buffy with her, wrapping her arms around her, holding her tightly. Buffy closed her eyes and embraced Willow, feeling the warmth from her body, and began to cry. She could feel Willow against her, could feel the heat from her own body stir, aroused by her lover's touch. This she understood, this she knew. Need, desire, simple primal emotions.

But Buffy also knew that this thing, this evil, could get inside, that it understood what they were afraid of most. It knew.

She was dead inside. Completely cold. Like the night. Like before, except now she was living a lie. And it knew.

This thing knew how to hurt, how to inflict pain. And Buffy's pain, the fear that haunted her more than this numbness that gripped her, was that she couldn't tell Willow the truth. Even worse, she was terrified that Willow would find out.

"Buffy, what's wrong?" whispered Willow, just now realizing that Buffy was crying. She pushed away even as Buffy held on tighter. Willow held her face in her hands, wiping away her tears.

"I'm sorry. It's...I'm just...happy. So happy," blurted out Buffy, laughing and crying at the same time. She kissed Willow then rested her forehead against Willow's forehead.

Buffy stood and helped Willow up, slipping her fingers into Willow's hand. They didn't say anything on the walk back. Willow smiled, resting her head on Buffy's shoulder. And Buffy was grateful that Willow couldn't look at her, see her face as she thought about what this thing had said.

"I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something that it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't" - Bonnie Raitt

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Stones in the Road

by Willow's Boo

Copyright © February 2003

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