Monkey Pants

"WHAT'S MY NAME? SAY MY NAME, BITCH!"

"Willow! WILLOW!"

Oz screamed in lusty desperation as the red-haired hacker rode him hard and fast. His hands held her hips in a bruising grip, pushing their naked, glistening bodies to the limit of human endurance.

"Come on, Pony Boy! Give it up!" Willow demanded in a sex-husked voice.

Her unbridled passion drove the prone guitar player to new heights of ecstasy. All he could do was watch her bouncing breasts and take one last gulp of air before an orgasm of cosmic proportions roared through his body and into hers.

Willow screamed her release and collapsed on top of the erstwhile werewolf, both of them unable to form thoughts, words or anything beyond sweat, musk, and heavy breathing.

"So, is he a one trick pony or can I have a ride, too?"

The lovers looked up in surprise as Tara stood seductively in the doorway, twirling a banana slowly in her right hand while her left hand moved under her black mini skirt.

Oz gaped at the blonde witch and ran his eyes over her black bra, tight sheer pink blouse, and stocking covered legs, following the curves all the way down to her black patent leather hump-me-pumps.

Willow's appreciative wolf-whistle broke him from his reverie, and he saw his lover's eyes burning bright with desire as she stared at Tara.

Where OZ had been in the process of slipping out, he was now at full attention again. Willow sat up straddling him, but never lost eye contact with the other witch.

"He's, um, up for it, but be careful – he bites." Willow answered as the beautiful blonde removed her busy left hand from beneath her skirt and sauntered to the side of the bed.

Tara stood next to Willow, her generous bosom level with the red head's mouth. The blonde witch brought her left hand up and ran her moist fingers over Willow's lips.

"Well," replied Tara. "It's a good thing I'm an experienced rider. I know just what to do with bad ponies who bite their mistresses."

Willow closed her eyes, moaning and sucking on the other witch's fingers. Oz trembled with fear and desire.

Tara smiled at the sexual power she had over them, and replaced her fingers with her tongue in Willow's mouth. Oz growled at the erotic sight of the two witches kissing·and kissing·and kissing.

He cleared his throat.

The women reluctantly broke the passionate kiss, and Willow licked her way down the blonde's neck into her magnificent cleavage. Tara ran her now-clean fingers through red hair and finally looked at Oz.

"You like what you see? Women together?" Tara questioned the musician with her heavy-lidded gaze. Willow intensified her assault, ripping open the pink blouse and freeing the bounty within. She suckled noisily, causing the other witch to moan and grasp her red hair tightly.

Oz whimpered and nodded enthusiastically, his brain having lost the ability to verbalize from lack of blood flow.

Tara struggled to regain her composure, and waggled the banana at him.

"Then let's show you what it's like to be a woman·"

Oz awoke with a start, momentarily confused at being clothed on a couch and alone instead of naked in a bed and very not alone. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and saw the DVDs of "American Pie" and "Can't Hardly Wait" lying next to him, with an empty bag of popcorn and several dead beer cans.

He then looked down at the fresh stain on the front of his cargo pants.

"Damn."

"MONKEY PANTS!"

Tara woke up at Willow's sudden outburst. The red-haired witch was laying on her side, struggling and talking in her sleep.

"No, bad pony! No bananas for you!"

Tara spooned her nude form around her lover and rubbed her tummy in a comforting gesture.

"Willow, sweetie, wake up. You're dreaming." The blonde whispered into her ear.

The red head calmed down and snuggled closer into the embrace, still mumbling about strange animals and fruit.

Tara kept rubbing her stomach and planted butterfly kisses along her nape as Willow gradually regained consciousness.

"Are you back?" The curvy witch nuzzled her lover's hair, enjoying the slightly floral scent.

Willow yawned and turned on her back to look at Tara with sleepy eyes.

"Yeah, but weird bad dreams·" She let her eyes drift closed again as she gathered her thoughts.

"Like what?" Tara slowed her hand movements to circling Willow's navel with her thumb.

"Well, it started off as a standard, run-of-the-mill nightmare about the bad pony incident when I was little, then somehow it switched over to·Oz·and stuff·" Willow blushed as the memory returned.

Tara brought her hand up to cup Willow's cheek.

"Oz? Was he hurting you or all wolfie or something?" The blonde's love and concern showed in her face. Willow smiled shyly at her, turned to kiss Tara's palm, and looked back into the deep blue eyes. Tara returned the smile and intertwined their fingers.

"No, not hurting. It was just funky, but not in a cool Lenny Kravitz kinda way."

"So, funky creepy or funky funny?"

"Um, funky as in us being with Oz, like, sexually·"

"Oh." A wide range of negative emotions passed over Tara's face, and she broke eye contact with Willow to stare at a clump of cat hair on the blanket.

"No, but I mean, it wasn't fun, well – we were all having fun – but we weren't we, I mean us, we were like Cheesy porno…us…we, I mean. Y'Know?" Willow rambled desperately trying to reassure her lover. It worked, and Tara smiled from behind a curtain of hair, reminding Willow of the first time they met in Wicca group.

"Was there bad techno music and big hair?" The blonde teased.

Willow giggled and stole a quick kiss.

"No, but you were dressed as the Queen of Slutonia."

"Ooooo, worse than Faith?" This time Tara stole a smoochie.

"Oh, yeah!" Willow laughed and pulled her lover into a long, deep kiss before Tara could object to the comparison.

Several moments later, they finally came up for air. Willow played with a lock of blonde hair as they touched foreheads.

"Love you, my Magical Monkey."

Tara grinned at the endearment and licked the red-head's nose.

"Love you, too, Willy Nilly."

The lovers quickly descended into exclamations of who loves who more and why, combined with more sickening pet names, causing extreme nausea for their Triumvirate of Guardian Spirits – Zeke, Zeb, and Zu. Zeke and Zeb avoided the sugar coma by shifting to another dimension, while Zu - who always was a bit bent – decided to stay and tough it out for the team. The apsaras almost keeled over into mortality when baby talk erupted, but fortunately for Zu, a poorly phrased non sequitur from Tara saved the day.

"Where does the banana fit in?"

"What?" Willow squeaked and turned beet red.

"You said something about a banana, in your dream, remember?" Tara innocently inquired.

"Oh, it's no biggie, really·" The red head dissembled. "Just don't pack them in my lunch for a while, OK?"

"OK·" Tara decided to pursue the answer later, when Willow was feeling more cooperative. In fact, Tara had a pretty good idea about how to get her lover to loosen her tongue, as it were.

"So, do you think you can get back to sleep after a dream like that?" Tara ran her fingertips sensually up and down Willow's arm. The hacker took the hint but feigned ignorance to play along.

"I don't know. It was very traumatic." She sighed as Tara's fingers brushed along her collarbone down to her chest. "Maybe I need a bedtime story."

"And what kind of story would you like?" Tara asked as she dusted kisses on Willow's shoulder and neck.

"How about The Journey of the Magical Monkey?" The smaller witch squirmed with delight from her lover's attentions.

Tara smirked. Of course, they both knew the story very well and that Willow would choose it, but their mutually shy and slightly awkward personalities sometimes required a round-about approach to lovemaking - the total opposite of Xander and Anya.

Tara molded herself to Willow's side, in their standard "storytelling" position, and clasped their hands together between their naked bodies. They each took a moment to enjoy the surge of Ch'I that always happened when they joined hands. Willow closed her eyes as her lover wove the tale.

"Once upon a time, there was a wondrous Magical Monkey," Tara breathed into Willow's ear and ran her free fingers along the far side of her lover's body. "And everywhere she traveled she brought happiness and joy."

Willow gasped as her lover's touch grazed the outside of her thigh and continued behind her knee.

"Although the Magical Monkey was happy to bring joy to others, she herself was terribly lonely and longed for her True Love." Tara's hand made a feather-light journey back up Willow's leg.

"So the Magical Monkey decided to go on her greatest journey yet, and traveled up and down the coast," The blonde's fingers traced a swirling pattern down her lover's arm. Willow's breathing grew heavier and goosebumps erupted in the wake of Tara's touch.

"Across the mountains·" Her palm grazed over very attentive peaks, then softly fondled the small breasts. "Searching, and searching, calling out and hoping for a response." Willow arched and whimpered as her nipple rolled gently through a finger and thumb. Tara enjoyed the topography for a long while, and Willow didn't object to the pause in the narrative. When the red head's breathing changed again, Tara continued.

"But her lover was not there, so the Magical Monkey went on to the plains," Her hand moved lightly across Willow's torso. "And headed for the Enchanted Redwood Forest, thinking surely her True Love would be there."

"Oh, please, yes!" Willow rasped and lifted her hips slightly to encourage the Magical Monkey's route. Tara, however, wanted to extend the journey as long as possible.

"But then the Magical Monkey changed her mind and decided to go back and check the other coast." The blonde diverted her hand to her lover's near leg. Willow groaned her disapproval and squeezed Tara's clasped hand in frustration. Tara squeezed back, and rewarded the other witch with a neck nibble for her patience. Willow 'hrumphed'.

"The Magical Monkey wandered up and down the coast, but to no avail.·'Where should I search next?' she wondered." The blonde knew she was pushing her luck, but wanted to hear Willow ask for what she wanted. Willow unexpectedly grabbed a fistful of Tara's hair, pulling her into a scalding kiss.

"Get to the damn forest before there's a flash flood!" Willow released her somewhat stunned tormentor and used her free hand to guide the Magical Monkey exactly where she wanted her.

"Um, OK·" Tara stalled as the sudden turn of events (and the amount of moisture bathing her hand) made it difficult to concentrate on words. "The Magical Monkey entered the Enchanted Redwood Rainforest, searching through all the, ah, groves."

The distraction of touching Willow, and the subsequent response, was taking its toll on Tara's brain function.

"She searched all through the forest, and came upon a Sacred Altar Stone." The lovers both groaned at the contact. "The Magical Monkey danced and played around and on top of the altar, for she knew this was a sign that her·lover·was·near."

Tara struggled for breath, and pushed herself against Willow's hip. The narrative paused again for quite a while as the Magical Monkey played with the Sacred Altar Stone. Moans, whimpers, gasps and other happy noises temporarily replaced words.

They each had a good sweat on by the time Zeke and Zeb popped back onto the scene. Zu nodded a greeting at them, and kept munching on the bag of ethereal popcorn she had manifested at the beginning of the "story". Zeke and Zeb stole handfuls of the snack and reclined in a comfortable floating position to observe their favorite wards in their favorite activity.

Two bagfuls of popcorn later, a winded and highly aroused Tara continued the story.

"The Magical Monkey sensed that her True Love was very, very close·"

Willow groaned and very nearly came to the end of the story too soon. She grabbed a handful of blonde hair to ground herself as Tara pressed – and rubbed – on.

"She found a hot spring flowing from a Mystical Cavern, and went in to explore·" The lovers cried out together as the Ch'I circuit was completed. Tara almost lost her own composure at the sensations of being surrounded by her love and the powerful energies swirling through their joined bodies. Willow flowered open in welcome and held her lover's hair in a death-grip.

"The Magical Monkey searched long.·And deep.·And hard·" Tara ground into the hacker's hip as she stoked Willow's passions with strong and loving motions. They teetered precariously on the edge of satisfaction as the Magical Monkey thoroughly spelunked the Mystical Cavern.

"And at last she found her True Love." Tara pressed firmly on the Goddess Spot, and Willow was done for.

"Coming now!"

The smaller witch managed to state the obvious before a Willowgasm of unprecedented intensity rolled through her. Tara rode the wake with her lover as they crashed ecstatically into each other.

They stayed connected as the storm wound down, and Tara collapsed her full weight on Willow, both of them completely spent. Neither witch noticed how many small objects fell from unconsciously-levitated positions around the room, including a peeved Miss Kitty. The lovers gradually caught their breath and Tara gently withdrew, eliciting a slight moan from the red-head.

The blonde rolled onto her back, pulling Willow on top of her. The lovers kissed tenderly with little nibbles and licks, sealing the covenant of love before settling in to recover from the experience. Copper hair splayed over a bountiful bosom as they silently held each other in wonderment.

Zeke, Zeb, and Zu exchanged high-fives and teleported away to check on another blessed couple.

Miss Kitty jumped on the bed to join in the yummy-smelling warm fuzzies and proceeded to purr and knead on Willow's bare bottom. This slightly ouchie sensation was enough to stir the witch from her post-orgasmic stupor.

"Go on, Miss Kitty, mommies need quality time." Willow placed the kitten on the floor then returned to snuggling with her sweetie. She rested her head on Tara's stomach and idly played with short blonde curls.

"I love a happy ending." Willow mused and planted a light kiss on her lover's cooling skin.

"Mmmm hmmmm·" Tara ran her fingers through red hair, mentally thanking all the powers in all the universes for bringing them together. Any questions about ex-boyfriends, bananas, or ponies were long forgotten.

"Soooo, is there anything I can do for you?" The red head asked as she stroked the top of her lover's thigh.

The vibration of Willow's voice tickled Tara and she giggled her answer.

"Well, I wouldn't object to the Wet Willy treatment."

Willow looked up and smirked at her.

"That could be arranged, considering I'm in the neighborhood."

Tara chuckled and made room for Willow to move between her legs. The smaller witch kissed her way down as she shifted to a mutually comfortable position with Tara's thighs on her shoulders. The blonde closed her eyes and sighed, luxuriating in Willow's newest skill.

Unfortunately for the lovers, the temptation of toes hanging off the end of the bed proved too much for a bored and peevish Miss Kitty Fantastico. Just as Willow was finishing "Lambda" in the Greek alphabet, the kitten attacked the helpless digits with a full on pounce-grab-bite-shred maneuver worthy of a lioness gutting a gazelle on the Serengeti.

"OW! NO! BAD KITTY!"

*SMACK*

"Ow! What the?!"

Xander awoke at the abrupt slap upside his head. He rubbed the sore spot on his temple and glared in confusion at a very naked and angry Anya.

"You ejaculated, and it wasn't for me!" The ex-demon crossed her arms over her bare chest. Xander strained to clear the cobwebs from his sleepy brain, and from the stickiness of the sheets, realized Anya's accusation was at least partially true. He blinked several times as he prepared his defense.

"One: OW! Two: I was dreaming – unconscious, as in beyond my control, and three: I thought we discussed the difference between spanking and smacking!" Xander looked at his lover, expecting her mood to shift to the contrite in the face of logic. Of course, he should have known better.

"But you should only think of me when you ejaculate, Conscious or not! You were thinking of Willow and Tara being thespians!" Anya countered with her pouty face, which always beats the face of logic.

"OK, lets get this straight, or whatever. Willow and Tara are lesbians not 'thespians', and while I would love the ability to control their presence and activities in my dreams, it is not humanly possible. Me. Human. Understand? Oh, and please stop saying 'ejaculated'." Xander got out of bed and retrieved a towel to clean himself off.

The sight of naked Xander improved Anya's disposition a little·But only a little.

"But didn't Willow say they tried a spell to Thespia? That makes them thespians. Why do you find that sexier than me?"

Her bottom lip was in tremble-mode, the next level up from pouty face, and the ersatz ice-cream man looked to the ceiling for salvation.

"I just can't win can I?" He asked.

"Who are you talking to, the apsarases?" Anya switched from mad to curious faster than the WB network switches its censorship standards.

"The what?" Xander climbed back into bed, wondering why his girlfriend seemed to remember more about his dream than he did. Anya huffed in annoyance.

"You know, apsarases? Daimon-class guardian spirits, bringing sensual bliss to the blessed, originally from India but went global in the free-love movement of the 60's, yadayadayada·You know." The ex-demon made a dismissive gesture. Xander just stared at her.

"Oh, for crying out loud, Xander, they're sitting right there. Well, floating. Heya, Zeke." Anya winked and waved at the Guardians, who returned the greeting. Xander glanced at what seemed to be thin air, then stared at Anya some more while slapping and pinching himself to wake up.

It didn't work. He sighed and resigned himself to the situation.

"Anya, honey-bun, let's pretend that I don't have centuries of experience with the occult, and that I can't remember my dream beyond a vague recollection of ponies, bananas, and apes with sore asses." Xander pleaded with his best puppy-dog face, hoping it was the royal flush of emotional manipulation. Anya smiled at him indulgently, and spoke as if he were a young, mentally challenged chimp.

"There are three basic classes that mortals lump into the category of demon. Actual demons – like I was – tend towards evil and chaos, that kind of thing. They get the most publicity – usually bad." She paused to make sure her boyfriend was keeping up. Xander nodded for her to continue. "Daemons are pretty much neutral, and don't get out of their own dimension to bother with humans very often. Daimons are mostly good, lawful guardians, promoting happiness, love, pleasure.·Get the picture?"

A figurative lightbulb clicked on over Xander's head.

"In other words, daimons are a girl's best friend?" he quipped, feeling exceptionally clever.

"Yes, I suppose that's true." The bad pun was completely lost on Anya. Xander blinked at her a few times, then clapped his hands and rubbed them together.

"New topic: what the hell did I say in my sleep to deserve a smacking?"

"You talked about Oz and Willow and Tara, got an erection, then something about fruit and animals, the apsarases, more Willow and Tara, then you·" Anya, in a rare moment of sensitivity, remembered her boyfriend's earlier request. "Had an orgasm. I became very jealous and felt the urge to strike you, so I did."

"Oz? I, uh, dreamed about Oz?" Xander seemed a bit distressed by the information. Anya's moment of sensitivity had passed, however, so she didn't notice.

"Yes, something about riding. Hey, you have another erection!"

Giles awoke with the mother of all hangovers from Willow and Tara's house-warming, Spiked-by-Spike party-punch.

"Bloody Hell."