Days of Grace

Sunnydale was no more. It was worse than a ghost town, because there wasn't even a trace of the town any longer, only a black crater that stretched for miles.

There were no attempts to resurrect it, no misguided bureaucratic efforts to fill in the crater-deep gouge in the earth. The highways that used to pass through Sunnydale were simply rerouted. Maps were redrawn to reflect the new roads. It was as if everyone sensed, this time around, that it was better to stay away.

People began to forget that there used to be a place called Sunnydale. Only a clear hard look at the lay of the land might reveal the outline of a road that branched off strangely from the current route and seemed to lead to nowhere.

That is, unless you used to live in Sunnydale. Or you were actually looking for it.

A lone car, which used to be red but was now gray-white with dust, turned from the highway and followed the near-invisible road. Although it was slow, it never faltered from its chosen route. After several minutes, it came to a stop.

A door popped open, and a slim woman in her late twenties emerged, dressed in a loose blouse and dark jeans. The wind came up and tossed her long, red hair. She ignored it, and walked forward purposefully…until she was standing at the edge of the gaping maw that used to be Sunnydale.

Showing no fear of the deep black pit, she planted her feet firmly on the stony ground. She closed her eyes and lifted her face to the sky. With hands outstretched, she began to speak.

The wind blew again, stirring dust. This time when it parted, it revealed another girl in shirt, jacket and jeans. She was younger and taller, her long dark hair flowing past her shoulders. She stopped in her tracks, surprised that there was someone else. She hitched her backpack across her shoulders uncertainly. When she recognized the figure ahead, she briefly warred with an impulse to leave. Why should I, she thought resentfully.

The redheaded woman continued to chant softly, but her words, and the heartfelt ache in them, carried easily across the pervading silence.

The newcomer approached reluctantly. However annoyed she was at this turn of events, she was still drawn by the ritual. Like the woman, she had also had friends and family who'd never left Sunnydale. She bowed her head respectfully.

The woman opened her shimmering green eyes and gazed at the torn land below. "Hey, baby," she called out gently. "I'm sorry it took so long for me to visit. I was away, had to finish some things. I even wrote a book, would you believe it? Remember how we always said some of the old stuff could use an update? Well, I tried. I wish I could show it you…" She took a deep breath. "I still miss you, but you probably know that. Rest well. Be at peace."

The girl froze, knowing who those words were addressed to. She looked away, feeling like she was intruding on a private moment.

By the time she looked back, Willow had stepped away from the edge of the crater and was facing her. "Hi, Dawnie," the hacker/witch greeted warmly.

But the girl wasn't ready to forgive her, not yet. "I thought you were in England," she said stiffly.

"I just got back. Stepped off a plane two days ago and everything."

"That stuff you were chanting, it was…nice," Dawn admitted stiltedly. "What was it?"

"It's called the Prayer of Passage," Willow replied. "I thought Tara would like it."

"I guess." The younger girl fiddled with her backpack. "You do this often?"

"Whenever I get the chance."

"I didn't see you last year." Now her tone was accusing.

Willow shook her head. She knew that Dawn was referring the yearly trek the Scoobies made to Sunnydale, but she'd been in England by then. "I came earlier. I don't go on set days, just whenever I can, or when it feels like I should."

"Why?"

That earned a raised eyebrow. "Why?" the witch repeated.

"Yeah," the girl insisted, "why? I know why Buffy, Xander and I go. Anya, Tara and Mom," her voice broke a bit, "and our old house, they're all under there somewhere. But you? I thought this was all the past to you. Part of what you left behind."

"Dawn." Willow's tone was incredulous. "Tara's grave is here, and yes, Joyce's and Anya's too. You're really surprised that I'd drop by and say hello?"

The brunette looked away. "I guess not."

The hacker stared at her for a second. Then she sighed. "Okay, this is just silly. For awhile now – and by awhile I mean years – you've been angry with me. I'll be the first to say you've got reason. I nearly got you killed once, and then I went for you when I was all dark eyes. But when I came back from England the first time, I thought we were okay. Then you went all stony cold again after we fought the First. Are you ever going to tell me what I did to piss you off?"

For a second, Dawn was again tempted to simply take off. Just leave without answering. Then she muttered, "Kennedy."

The woman's eyes went wide. "You like Kennedy?!"

"NO! No no no – a world of no's!" was the horrified, vehement denial. "But you do!"

"And this is news to you?" Willow asked, confused. "I know I haven't been around much, but it has been a few years since Kennedy and I got together, not to mention…"

"You mean, since you left us for her!" Dawn cut her off. She squared her shoulders, finally free to make the accusation. "I actually believed it, you know, all that bull about us being a family…until you left to move into one of Kennedy's houses with its two dozen wings! We see Faith more than you."

"The house in the Hamptons doesn't have wings," the hacker denied defensively. Oh nice going, Rosenberg. Completely fell into that one. "And Faith comes around whenever she needs to lie low. I didn't leave because of Kennedy. That was so totally not the point."

"Oh really?" The younger girl crossed her arms over her chest. "So why did you leave?"

"Well because…" Willow paused, frowning. "Fine, so Kennedy was partly the point," she conceded reluctantly, "but it had nothing to do with the fact that her house has wings!" Like her, the revelation of how rich Kennedy's family was had thrown Buffy and the other Scoobies for awhile. Except for Giles, of course; as a Watcher he'd known already. "Look, if we're going to talk about this, can we at least sit down? I have a nice thermos of extra warm mocha in the car. Speaking of which, how'd you get here?"

Now it was brunette's turn to look uncomfortable. "I…rode the bus."

"The bus doesn't pass through here. Former Hellmouth apparently not a tourist destination. That's why I rented a car."

Of course she'd check first, Dawn groaned inwardly. She'd forgotten how organized the witch could be. She was busted. "Well, the bus stops at the next town. From there, I sort of…hitchhiked."

"And Buffy's okay with this?" Willow asked in disbelief.

"She…doesn't know I'm here."

For a second, the woman just stared at her. Then she laughed. "Oh Goddess, some things never change! Come on, I'll call Buffy and tell her you're with me. Let's get some food. How do you feel about diner food? I think I passed one on the way here. I haven't eaten at a diner in ages."

Dawn followed quietly. Although she was in her bare twenties now and about to graduate, Buffy would still have a cow if she thought her younger sister was deliberately putting herself in danger. Since Buffy was finally allowing Dawn to patrol without her (though she still had to be with Xander or one of the new Slayers), that was the last thing the younger woman wanted. Taking off for the former Hellmouth without any precautions? Buffy would have her hide.

So without protesting too much, the girl followed Willow to the car. They found a nice quiet diner in the next town. She let Willow buy her coffee and a sandwich, and graciously waited long enough for the woman to finish her call and the food before continuing to interrogate her.

"So why did you leave?"

Willow cradled her coffee. It was really quaint, the way diners served coffee in cups. Too bad they didn't offer mochas. "Kennedy wanted to show me all these new things, new places, and I eventually ran out of reasons not to. Sunnydale was gone, but there're other Hellmouthy places, and you know Kennedy's one of the few Slayers with the resources to go anywhere she's needed. We went everywhere, Europe, the Pacific, lots of little islands. It was a great learning experience because you know me, California girl most of my life. But mainly? I wanted us to have a fair chance," she revealed. "Kennedy knows that Tara will always be a huge part of my life, but to be around everyone who knew Tara…well, a lot of people were comparing Kennedy to Tara, and not in a favorable way. It wasn't helping. Plus, Buffy's never been too thrilled with Kennedy."

The redhead recalled the times she'd had to referee between her best friend and her girlfriend. It had been very much like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. "I mean, it's not exactly un-understandable. They're both stubborn. They were butting heads from the second Giles brought Kennedy to the house. Which is a pity, because Kennedy really respects Buffy. Just not enough to toe the line and keep her mouth shut. She's not that kind of girl. It's all those take charge Slayer genes."

"She's like Faith," Dawn muttered.

The comparison gave the witch pause. The idea of falling for someone resembling the troublesome Slayer she'd actively disliked for most of her life was…mental eww. "`Course not!" she denied quickly. "Faith's more with the homicidal, and Kennedy doesn't have that many notches on her belt. I think."

Her companion just gave her a look.

Willow sighed. "Dawn, I'm sorry my going hit you hard. I didn't know. By the time I left you were hardly talking to me. I spoke with Buffy and Xander about leaving, and they were fine with it. I don't know if I can explain how difficult it was for Kennedy. She went through a lot to be with me. Bad enough that I turned into Warren the first time she kissed me – yes, that's what really happened back then. I was wracked with guilt because I let her kiss me and you know…enjoyed it." She bit her lip. "I bought a gun, do you know that? I got the exact model Warren used to shoot Buffy and Tara. I found Kennedy in the garden, and pointed it straight at her."

Dawn stared at her in disbelief. Willow with a gun? "What happened?"

"Kennedy." The hacker smiled briefly. "Amy's hex was turning me into Warren. Kennedy kept her head, and her questions led me back to myself, and to Tara…I ended up on my knees, begging Tara to come back to me. Now, normally a girl screaming for her former lover is, hello, huge 'back off' sign, but Kennedy just kissed me again and helped me shake the hex off. And that was just our first date!" she exclaimed. "How many people do you think would even stick around after a bizarro meltdown like that? The rest you pretty much know."

"Yeah, '…fun in a my-girlfriend-has-a-pierced-tongue kind of way,'" Dawn remembered, making the older woman redden. She fiddled with her coffee. "Guess I can't really hate her then," she said grudgingly.

"Why should you hate her?" Willow asked in surprise. "Those months after we escaped Sunnydale, I thought you were angry at me."

"Not at you. At Kennedy and you."

"Oh." The witch turned that over in her head for a few seconds. "Oh."

"I…" Dawn grimaced. "Okay, this is going to be intensely embarrassing for a few minutes. You and Tara, what you had together? That's what I want for myself one day."

Whatever Willow had been expecting, it wasn't that. "Dawnie, that's sweet. But you're…?"

"Straight, yes. With what looks like the Summers' bent for falling for the wrong guy. Did Buffy ever pull the cookie dough analogy on you?" she asked wryly. "Never mind. The important thing is I looked up to what you and Tara had. It's not hard to understand why. I mean, my parents divorced, and Riley left Buffy just when I was getting to know him. Xander and Anya – don't get me wrong, I was all for them, but that was pretty much a 'something only they could pull off' scenario. Then there was Buffy and Spike, but that was always, um, complicated. But you and Tara?" Dawn smiled, just thinking about the way things used to be. "You talked, you supported each other, you hardly argued. Which is probably why I had belly rumblings whenever you guys fought. It's just, most of the time the two of you were, I dunno, in synch? There was no doubt that the pair of you were meant to be forever if Tara hadn't…" she stumbled. "And well…you guys looked after me."

"Don't get me wrong," she rushed, not wanting Willow to misunderstand. "I wouldn't trade having a sister like Buffy for anything. But she's the Slayer, and sometimes there was no time, and at other times there was a Big Bad to deal with first. Then there were the months she was gone, and when she came back it felt like she didn't want to have anything to do with me." Dawn sighed. Those had been unpleasant times. "I never got that from you and Tara. You never made me feel like I was in the way, even when I was in the way. The two of you were always patient, and you made me feel…loved. Well, except for the time you got addicted and crashed the car. Oh and that other time you threatened to turn me back into a crackling ball of energy."

"Oh well, you know, temporary lapse of evilness," Willow mumbled apologetically as the rush of memories hit her. It was true that she and Tara had taken the lonely teenager under their wing for awhile, not because of any conscious decision, but because the girl seemed to need it. In a way, because of who they were and who they'd been, they'd understood the youngest Summers a bit more in those days than Buffy had. "Dawnie, you know we'll always love you, right? Even if you go all silent treatment on us. Even if you throw rocks. Which I hope you never will, but if you do…"

"I know." The girl smiled at the beginning babble. It was starting to hit her how much she'd missed the hacker/witch, missed that incredible mind that skipped, hopped and leapt, and the words that struggled to follow. "Tara and you belonged together, and Tara was the most understanding, sweetest person I've ever known. Even when you guys broke up, she was always checking on me. And the day you got back together! Oh that was the best day ever! Then one day I came home, and Tara was sprawled on the floor…" Her throat tightened, and she couldn't continue.

"Oh Dawn." The redhead's eyes, too, were bright with tears. "Buffy told me, you know. How you stayed with Tara, how they found you huddled in a corner of our room. You were so scared, but you didn't leave her because you didn't want her to be alone. While I - oh Goddess, I was such a fool!" Willow burst out as old recriminations and regrets returned. "All I could see was my anger and my pain! How could I leave her there, even for revenge?"

The redhead took a calming breath. "I always wanted to thank you for that," she continued more quietly. "Next to hurting you guys and trying to destroy the world, I hate thinking about the way I left Tara alone."

"I understood, you know. What you did." Dawn's voice fell to a whisper. "Destroying the world maybe went a little too far, but going after Warren – we were totally supportive, Xander and I. Buffy was the only one who –"

"Buffy was right," Willow interjected.

"Buffy's the Slayer, and for all our sakes, it's good that the line's that clear for her," the younger woman said with uncommon insight. "But I told her I would've done it myself if I could have. And not even Buffy can say that the world's not better off without another wannabe-psychopath."

The hacker shifted in her seat. Even if it was the right thing to do, it would be too weird to argue with Dawn over this, since Willow was the one who'd actually done the deed. "So, you were saying…me and Kennedy?" she prompted, changing the subject.

The college student found herself playing with the rim of her coffee cup. More embarrassing stuff. "A couple of nights before we fought the First, I went to your room. We'd kicked Buffy out and I was feeling guilty and um, scared." She cleared her throat. "I was about to knock when Rona came out of the bathroom. She told me it wasn't a good idea to disturb you. I thought she meant because you were going over the things that Faith wanted. I said I was just going to say hello. That got a laugh and a wink, and something about how Kennedy already beat me to it. I don't know why, but that stunned me," she said. "It shouldn't have. You'd called her your girlfriend, after all. But I guess I was blocking that somehow, telling myself that it wasn't serious. And then…"

For some reason, Willow had the feeling that a huge megawatt blush was headed her way. Oh this cannot be good.

"…you moaned. It wasn't like I hadn't heard stuff like that before," Dawn said matter-of-factly, "but this time you cried out Kennedy's name."

Yup, Willow thought, there it was. If she got much redder, her face would probably explode. "Um, er, well…"

"That's when it sank in. Tara was dead. She had to be, if you were sleeping with someone else. She was never coming back. And you - you were over her. It wasn't fair!" The girl's voice rose. "I know it was months later, but it still felt like it was too soon. You and Tara were supposed to be forever. Doesn't forever merit a year of mourning at least?"

"Sweetie, it's not that simple," Willow tried to explain, taken aback by her vehemence. "A part of me will never stop mourning Tara."

"Not the part that moaned, obviously."

The witch froze as something bordering on anger flashed in her eyes. "Goddess, is this what the silent treatment's been about?" she asked in disbelief. "You think I betrayed Tara by being with Kennedy? Do you honestly think you miss Tara half as much as I do? You have no idea how it feels!"

"You thought it yourself, didn't you?" Dawn asked coldly. "I couldn't believe it, I kept thinking it must be a fluke. This girl was as different from Tara as anyone could be. She's loud and obnoxious and abrasive. She chases after you, and the next thing we know she's in your bed. And for her, you did the one thing you would've never done for Tara – you left us! You and Buffy and Xander were always going on about how the Scoobies are a family, but you left!"

"Dawn, that's not fair!" Willow objected. "Leaving was never something that Tara would've wanted. And trust me, if I had known beforehand that Tara was going to die in that house, I would've taken her far, far away!" She paused, breathing hard. "Tara didn't leave you guys even when we broke up because she thought of you as her family, too. That's not the way it was with Kennedy. She could never be 'family,' because she doesn't get along with you guys much."

"Oh that's right, blame us!" Dawn scoffed. "Why don't you just admit it, Willow? Why don't you just come out and say it? You forgot Tara when Kennedy came along, didn't you?"

"NO!" To both their shock, the usually even-tempered witch slapped her hand on the table, making their cups rattle. "God, how can you say such things? You want me to compare how I felt about them? What I had with them? To put all these messy feelings on a scale and say, 'oh here, there's more in this one than the other?' It doesn't work that way. I didn't stop loving Tara when I was with Kennedy, but I did love Kennedy. I can't compare what I had with the two of them. They were different relationships, because Tara and Kennedy are two very different people."

"What does that even mean?" Dawn asked coldly.

"What I said." Willow threw up her hands in exasperation as the girl continued to look at her suspiciously. "Fine, you want the details? Tara and I, we grew together, as people, as women, as witches. Tara was so shy when she we first met. She used to stutter, did you know that? She was so gentle, and with her I was usually the bolder one. She left me free to follow my heart once, and that gave me the freedom and courage to choose her." Despite the situation, the redhead found herself smiling at the memory.

"But by the time you met her, really met her, she wasn't taking grief from anybody, including me. She thought I was using too much magic, and she said so. And when I crossed that line, she left. For Tara, to get her back, and for myself, too, I gave up magic. You see, Tara understood magic. She saw how reckless I was getting, and she was right. Oh how I hurt her, Dawnie." Willow shut her eyes in remembered shame. "And the worst part is, I didn't truly realize that what I did to her was wrong until my magicks hurt you."

Seeing how badly the redhead still felt about something that had happened so many years ago made the younger woman uncomfortable. "Willow, it wasn't that bad." She waved her hand around. "See? Arm's good as new."

The witch smiled wanly at the gesture. "That's not what you said back then." In fact, she'd been roundly slapped by the then-teenager. "Tara came back only when I was magic-free. So if Tara had lived, you're right, we would've been forever, but…" Here Willow hesitated.

The idea was broached after she'd returned to the coven, when she'd started delving seriously into Wicca. Many of the members of the coven were strongly Wiccan in faith, like Tara had been, and they believed in destiny, purpose, and some of them, in the hidden hand of the Goddess.

How can you say that?! That's like saying there's a reason for everything, even Tara's death, even the way I almost - The debate was threatening to turn ugly.

Thankfully, before she could continue, one of the gentlest witches had moved forward to hold her hand. What took her away, what happened after, was evil, Willow. Human evil. We do not contest that. But sometimes, the Goddess does fashion some good from such evil.

They had the wisdom not to answer her directly. Althea, a witch her own age and one of her close friends, came forward and placed her hands over Willow's. Such power in these hands, and such a burden. None of us envy it, nor could any one of us bear it. But you can. Now.

Admit the possibility, they'd said. You believe in logic, don't you? Follow the web to its logical conclusion.

The coven had insisted that she face the possibility. "Eventually, maybe, Tara would've let me start using magic again, but we would've been careful, restrained, and if we had continued like that…Dawn, I don't know if I would've had the ability to turn the potentials into Slayers when we fought the First."

The admission obviously stunned the girl, but Willow barely let it sink in before continuing. "Kennedy, on the other hand, is very much a Slayer. She's fierce, she's a bit of a brat – which probably explains why the two of you don't get along since no two brats do."

"Hey!" Dawn protested.

"She doesn't let anything stand in her way," the redhead continued. "She's actually smaller than me, while Tara was taller, did you notice that? People rarely do because Kennedy's so tough, so upfront with who she is and what she wants. I wasn't looking for anything back then. I was still so raw inside. But she chased me, and she did it with such determination that yeah, she Scarletted me off my feet. She doesn't get magic, so if I said one day, 'oh I think the sky's better green,' she'd just sit back and watch me do it. She's got that kind of faith in me, that I know what I'm doing, that I wouldn't use magic unless it was the right thing to do. If anything, she thinks I'm too careful."

"What you heard that night," Willow said, blushing again, "was something I was really hesitant about. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to. We were on the verge of another apocalypse, and when there's that little time left it seems extremely foolish to not take what you can from life…which probably explains why things between Kennedy and I developed so fast. But I was afraid of losing control. Kennedy grounded me. She wanted me to do what I could without fear that I'd lose myself again. I took her with me when I did the spell with the axe…"

"So she could bring it back to Buffy when you were finished," Dawn cut in. It was all in the plan to fight the First. "I know that part."

The witch's voice gentled. "That was part of it, yes, but more importantly? I asked Kennedy to be there…so she could kill me if I turned into Big Bad Magic Willow."

To say Dawn was shocked was putting it lightly. "But th-that's awful!"

Willow just smiled. "I know you don't like Kennedy. And I maybe understand why you resented the two of us being together…but don't shortchange her, Dawn. Kennedy showed me that life was still possible after Tara. But I will always miss Tara."

The college student fell silent. Then suddenly she latched onto something that Willow had said. "Hang on, you just said you couldn't compare what you had with Tara with what you had with Kennedy. Had? Showed?"

"Caught the past tenseness of it, huh?" Willow asked. "It's one of the reasons why I left for England last year. At first, Kennedy and I just needed some space, but in the end there were too many issues. It just didn't work out."

"I'm sorry." To her surprise, Dawn found that she meant it. As much as she'd resented Kennedy for Willow's departure, and for usurping what she thought of as Tara's place, she'd genuinely wanted the redhead to be happy.

"Don't be. We're still good friends. We were simply meant for different paths."

"Now you sound like your book."

"Yeah, who'd have ever thought, huh?" the woman quipped, relieved at the switch in topic. "Author me." Immersed in magic once more, surrounded by the amazing witches of the coven in Devon, with Giles nearby trying to set up the new Council of Watchers, and badly needing a distraction from her troubles with Kennedy, Willow began putting her own thoughts and ideas about the craft together. The resulting work was based, not just on years of accumulated Scooby research, but also on the oral traditions and teachings of the coven, and, of course, on Willow's personal experience with magic.

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Oh come on. Wiccan history and philosophy? Who better to write about that? Oh, and I checked Amazon the other day. It's in the top 100 and climbing; not bad for a book in such a specialized field. The people who left reviews loved it."

The redhead smirked. "You mean, aside from the people who wrote that I was going to hell?"

The girl frowned. "You don't listen to those cretins, do you?"

Willow laughed, touched by the concern. "Hardly. When you've got real vampires, monsters and demons chasing after you, the petty stuff tends to roll off."

"Tell me about it," Dawn agreed. She took a sip of her coffee. "So what're your plans now?"

"Well, you saw some of it. Drop by Sunnydale, visit my parents. Then I thought I'd see how you guys were doing."

"You're coming back?" the girl asked excitedly.

"For a visit, yes," Willow nodded. "Then I'm returning to England for awhile."

Something about the way she said it made Dawn suspicious. "How long's 'awhile'?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," the redhead confessed. "Maybe a year."

The girl nearly spilled her drink. "A year?! But you just got back! I thought you said England was temporary."

"Temporary or well, as it turns out, a little…longer? It depends." Willow wasn't being evasive. She really hadn't thought it through yet. "Giles asked me to assemble a new library for the new and improved Council of Watchers. We actually started while I was writing the book, but there's still a lot to be done."

"You're thinking of not coming back."

The certainty with which the girl said it surprised Willow. "Maybe," she admitted.

Dawn straightened in her chair. Something in her expression cleared. "I get it. That's why," she said.

"Why what?"

She met Willow's eyes. "Why Tara asked me to go to Sunnydale today. She doesn't want you to go."

Willow leapt from her chair. "That's not funny, Dawn!"

"I'm not –"

"You don't joke about stuff like that!"

The girl stood up, mainly because the witch looked like she was ready to bolt, and now that Dawn understood why she was here, she was ready to chase after her if need be. "Willow, listen to me, okay? I'm not joking. I told you I was standing outside your door that night. I was so angry that I was on the verge of shoving that door open and I don't know, screaming at you guys. I never told you why I didn't."

"I don't care!"

"Tara stopped me."

Willow stared at her, too stunned to speak. Quickly, Dawn explained.

"…then she faded away. That was the first time I saw her."

Willow sank back in her chair, her legs suddenly nerveless. "She knows about me and Kennedy?"

Dawn nodded.

"Oh Goddess." The witch covered her face with her hands. "And you saw her again?"

"I…I've been seeing Tara on and off for years," Dawn confessed quietly. "She says it's easier for her to appear to me, because I…guarded her body?" The last bit came out as a question because she didn't quite understand it herself.

"Because you kept vigil," Willow supplied, suffused with guilt once more. As Tara's lover, it should've been her duty. But first she had left to chase Warren, and then Giles had taken her to England. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked in a voice full of hurt.

"I'm sorry," the girl said sincerely. "I wanted to, specially when I found out you were leaving. But Tara told me not to, that you needed to find your own way. I never understood that until now." I had no idea how hard it was for you to move on. "She really loves you very much."

"Then why won't she show herself to me?" Willow asked in anguish. "Is it…because of the magic? I promised her I was going to be magic-free, then I used it again, and I tried to destroy the world. Or because I…killed someone?"

"No! No, it's not like that." If Dawn had had any doubts about the depth of Willow's love for Tara, it all disappeared in the face of the witch's grief. "She told me she can't. She did something so that the First wouldn't be able to take her form when it appeared to you – she called what he wanted to do an abomination – but in the process it barred her from becoming visible to you, too."

Dawn fell silent, knowing that it was a lot to absorb, maybe too much for any one person to deal with in one sitting, much less in a few minutes. If it had been her, she'd be running off screaming.

But this was Willow. "Is she here?" she finally asked, trying to suppress the eagerness in her voice. "Do you see her right now?"

"No, I don't really see her for more than a few minutes at a time," Dawn explained.

"But you said…last night?" the witch surmised.

"Even shorter than usual." Dawn frowned. "Actually, she seemed distracted last night. She made me promise to go to Sunnydale today. I asked why, but she wasn't too clear. She just said stuff like, 'you have to stop her from leaving' and 'she's the only one who can.' I didn't even know she meant you until I got here. I thought you were still in England."

"That's all? But," Willow thought hard, "that doesn't necessarily mean it's me. She could've meant someone else."

"Willow, who else could it be?" Dawn rolled her eyes. She couldn't believe how dense the normally bright witch was being. "You were the only one who was there. And you're definitely one of those 'only one who can' types."

"Dawn, just because you found me at Sunnydale doesn't mean I'm the only one who was supposed to be there today. It could be a fluke. Besides," the hacker frowned, "even if it's me, we have no idea what I'm supposed to do."

"So what do you suggest we do?"

Willow was already reaching for her keys. "We go back to Sunnydale and find out."

Thankfully, Willow was a much better driver now than when she'd taken Dawn for an impromptu magicky joyride that had ended in disaster. The redhead drove a trifle faster than the girl was strictly comfortable with, but that was probably an after-effect of Dawn's stunning revelations.

Actually, if Dawn had known exactly how jumbled and distracted Willow's mind was at that point, she would've probably jumped out of the car. But she didn't, so it was mostly a quiet ride until they halted at the outskirts of the crater that used to be Sunnydale.

"You see, there's no one else…oh!" Dawn suddenly jumped out of the car and ran towards the crater. She stopped several feet from the edge. "Willow, I think she's here! I can't see her yet but there's a kind of shimmering over there by the center –"

"Dawn, wait!" Willow clutched the girl's arm when she reached her, and pulled her back a few steps. Her eyes became focused, steely.

Dawn gasped. She recognized that look. "What're you doing? No, you can't go dark eyes now! Not in front of Tara!"

"It's not dark magic," the witch reassured her. "But I have to make sure this isn't some kind of trick. Dawn, she started appearing to you when we were fighting the First. You've never touched her, am I right? That means she's incorporeal. So was the First."

"But we dealt with the First! They're all dead and gone, and his army's buried under Sunnydale!" the girl protested.

"As far as we know. There could be vestiges. Or worse. Just because we finished the First, doesn't mean it was the Only."

Dawn shivered at the possibility. "You can tell if it's Tara?"

"I can tell if it's evil," Willow said grimly. She stretched out carefully with the tendrils of her magic and sensed…oh Goddess, there was something, a floating presence in front of them that was gaining strength with each second.

And it was moving. From its original place over the crater, the presence drifted to their right. Willow turned to face it, carefully keeping herself between the entity and Dawn. It didn't feel dangerous, but she still wasn't sure.

"Willow, I'm starting to see her now. It's her, it's really Tara, I swear!" Dawn exclaimed. "She's smiling at me…but she doesn't look too happy with you. She's all bright and shiny, and she says she's glad I found you."

Dawn frowned as she listened. "She says there's something's wrong with the seal over the Hellmouth. Some demons are trying very hard to get through, and she's not sure if it can hold. She says she knows a way to strengthen the seal, but she needs our help."

"I know, Dawnie," Willow cut in hoarsely, her mouth dry as the magic she'd sent out coalesced around them. "I can see her, too."

Every instinct, every feeling in her gut cried out that it was so. It was followed closely by her wry inner voice – dummy, did you really think you could handle Tara's re-appearance with any semblance of logic? Knowing the danger, knowing how the First came in the guise of dead people to taunt its enemies – what the frilly heck does any of that matter? When she's here. When she's so beautiful, and everything about her is exactly how you remember…

Small wonder that the first sight of the woman she'd loved and lost staggered Willow, brought her to her knees after a single shaky step. She blinked, still not quite believing what was happening, and then her sight was blurring with tears falling and trailing from her green eyes, down her cheeks. As much as she hated the way they obscured Tara, she could no more stop them than halt the rain.

The sight of Willow shook Dawn. Now she understood. Now she believed. Do you honestly think you miss Tara half as much as I do? You have no idea how it feels! Easy words, Dawn had dismissed them. But here was proof. Tara's reappearance in Dawn's life had alarmed her at first, then reassured and comforted her to a degree she would always be thankful for. But as much as she loved Tara, it hadn't affected her like this.

A second of seeing had sent the world's most powerful witch to her knees. Just like that. No wonder Tara had done everything in her power to prevent the First from using her likeness against Willow. Even if it had meant barring herself from Willow, that was still a lesser price to pay than this.

I didn't imagine it, Dawn thought in a daze, their love, that ideal in my mind. It was real.

And Tara – Tara who had always been so calm and collected in Dawn's presence for all of these years – Tara was running forward as she would have in real life. Unable to touch Willow, she knelt down in front of her. All of her concern and love for the redhead shone on her face, there for the whole world to see.

Tara had seen Willow like this before, the day Joyce had died, the day Buffy had died. Only back then, she had been able to offer comfort, had been able to soothe Willow with kisses, had been able to keep Willow on her feet. But now…if there was one moment that Tara truly regretted not being of this plane anymore, it was this.

All she could do was hold Willow with her eyes and her words. "Willow. Shh. Honey, it's alright…"

"Tara," she heard Willow whisper, and the broken, tear-filled way her name fell from those lips wrung her heart a little more. It was the same way Willow had said her name when Joyce had died, and she remembered what had followed. I can't do this, the hacker had said. Only back then, Tara had taken Willow in her arms and said, we can do this.

We can do this. Like everything they had faced before. Together.

In the end, she couldn't help it. Tara knew it was impossible, but she had to try. She stretched her hand between them, palm out and straight. And just as she knew she would, Willow slowly did the same.

They did not try to clasp hands, as in a spell. No, this was the flat palm-to-palm of ritual. Of anchoring, the way Tara had anchored the redhead the first time Willow had traveled the Nether Realms. Only this time, Tara wasn't sure who was being the anchor, her or Willow. Or maybe, somehow, both.

And there was something. It wasn't touch, exactly. Tara knew that if either of them pushed, if she tried to curve her fingers around Willow's, their hands would just pass through each other's. But there was a tactile sensation where their palms met. There was warmth, and a current that seemed to pass between them.

She looked deep into Willow's eyes, loving her. You know me.

You know me, Willow returned. And then, Oh Goddess, if this is a dream may I never wake.

Tara's lips curved into a smile. This isn't a dream. And I'm no goddess.

Willow's gaze on her was solemn. To me you always were. Then her lips quirked in answer to Tara's impish grin. In fact, I seem to remember calling you that a number of times…

Will-ow! Tara had no idea how, but she was sure she was blushing.

In the end, it was that easy. They shared a quiet laugh together. And then it was okay to let go, and their hands, still tingling, dropped back into their laps.

"Oh Tara, look at you," Willow said, wiping her eyes with a sleeve. "All beautiful and glowy."

"You can really s-s-see me?" Tara asked. For years she had hovered and watched, but it was an entirely different thing from this, from having Willow's eyes shining on her. She had almost forgotten how wonderful even a look from the redhead could make her feel. If there was such a thing as a nervous shade, at this point she was definitely it. "But I thought I b-b-blocked…oh, it's you, isn't it? Your magic."

The redhead nodded mutely. She saw the flash of misgiving on Tara's face at the mention of magic. Of course. The last time they'd seen each other, Willow was recovering from her addiction to dark magic. Funny how such a tiny expression could hurt.

"It's not dark magic," Dawn piped in quickly, anxious that this first meeting between the former lovers go well. "Willow's been really good. She turned the potentials into real Slayers. I told you about that, right? Buffy said she's more powerful than the original sorcerers who made the first Slayer. Without her, we'd all be…"

"Yes, I know." Tara met Willow's eyes, and her face lost its tension. "I was so proud of you, Will. To be able to channel that kind of pure magic – it was amazing."

Willow's heart was thudding in her chest. It was all she could do not to lean forward and try to embrace Tara. Which probably wouldn't work anyway because she's all shimmery and floaty and incorporeal. She cleared her throat. "So uh you called, and we're here. What's up with the Hellmouth?" She glanced at the crater. "It looks nice and buried."

The blonde's expression darkened. "That's the way it looks, but it's not. The cave-in damaged the seal to the Hellmouth, and there are…things that're trying to break free. So I guess it's good that you've gotten control of your magic, because this is going to take magic. A lot of it," she said bleakly.

Willow swallowed. "Dawn might've exaggerated the whole 'powerful me' thing," she said nervously. "You see, I had this axe. Only it wasn't one of those ordinary axes, it was mystical and meant to be used by Slayers, and well, it turns out that witches could use it, too, for other nifty things. Like spells to help potentials reach their full potential." I'm babbling. Two minutes in front of Tara and words can't fly out of my mouth fast enough. "Anyway, I don't have the axe anymore."

Her discomfiture didn't escape Tara, who smiled. "It's not the axe that we need, Willow, it's you. There's a way to re-seal the Hellmouth, but I need your help. And Dawn's too."

"Anything," Willow promised quickly, while the girl behind her nodded.

Tara bit her lip, and suddenly she seemed hesitant and unsure. "To strengthen the seal, you and I need to do a spell, but I can't do it from this plane." She paused as Willow nodded tersely. "But there's a chance. Tonight, for the first time in five hundred years, the right stars will align, and it will be possible for me to…return for awhile. But I can't do it on my own. I need a…door and a –"

"Key," the redhead continued softly. Suddenly, Willow scrambled to her feet. "Dawn, step back," she ordered sharply.

"What?" Dawn asked in surprise.

Tara was looking up at the hacker in confusion. "W-Willow? What's wrong?"

Willow placed herself between the two women. Her eyes, suddenly hard as jade, never left the blonde as she spoke, but her grim words were for Dawn. "I don't think this is Tara."

Part 3

Tara's eyes were wide with disbelief and hurt. "W-Willow?" She stood up slowly.

"But, but you just said –!" Dawn gasped in shock.

Willow did her best to ignore the stricken look on Tara's face. As much as every fiber in her being wanted – actually told her that this was real, she couldn't ignore the alarms sounding off in her brain.

"I know what I said," she told Dawn bleakly, "but Tara would never ask for this. More than anyone I know, Tara respected the natural cycle of life and death. Remember when you asked about resurrection spells? Do you remember what she said?"

"Witches aren't allowed to alter the fabric of life for selfish reasons. Wiccans took an oath a long time ago…" Dawn trailed off uncertainly, her eyes swiveling to the blonde woman. If Willow was right, who had she been pouring her heart out to all these years?

Steeling herself, Willow slowly turned back to Tara, to the image of Tara – she corrected herself. "Isn't that what you said?"

"Y-yes," Tara admitted, her lips quivering at the unexpected pain of having to defend herself before Willow. "B-but the rule's not absolute. I agreed to b-bend it f-f-for Buffy," she reminded them.

Willow winced at the way the blonde witch hung her head and how badly she was stuttering. Still easy signs to read. "Tara," she relented, "if this is really you, I'm sorry. But please understand, we've been through so much. If it was just me, I'd –" she cut herself off sharply, "-but I won't let anyone hurt Dawn."

After a moment, Tara nodded. Willow and she had watched over Dawn for a long time, were even her guardians during the stark, bare months of Buffy's death. Both of them would go to great lengths to protect her.

"The r-rule doesn't apply," she began to explain. "We're n-not doing this for selfish reasons, and we're not altering m-my…what happened. The effects of the spell are temporary. It will anchor my essence to this plane for t-two weeks, maybe more, but in the end I w-would have to go back because…"

"…you don't belong here anymore." This time it was Willow who looked stricken as she finished the witch's sentence.

"I'm sorry," Tara said softly.

"Don't be," the redhead hastened to reassure her. "You're in a good place, right? I mean, where you are when you're not checking on Dawn…you're happy?"

"Oh yes." Suddenly, Tara's blue eyes were practically dancing. "One day, Will, when it's time, I'll show you the Summerland. It's peaceful and so beautiful, you won't believe it."

Willow shifted uneasily under her former lover's radiant gaze. With the blood on her hands, it was unlikely that she would ever see the Summerland. But there was no need to burden Tara with that.

She cleared her throat. Tara's answers had soothed her doubts away, and now that she was free to believe her instincts, Willow was in danger of being overwhelmed by her former lover's appearance all over again. Gods, that smile, that face and figure, blonde and curvy and tall – all of these were exactly as she remembered them, but more importantly the vision felt like Tara. "Baby, I'm so sorry…"

"Don't be," it was Tara's turn to say. Impulsively, her lips quirked into a lopsided smile. "You can always make it up to me later," she murmured. Her smile grew as Willow's eyes widened.

"Um, I, er, o-of course!"

Dawn threw a curious glance at the stuttering redhead, which only made the woman flush more. Okay, so not going there. "So, this anchoring spell. How come you never told me about it?" she asked Tara.

"I do believe in the natural cycle of life and death, Dawn," Tara said. From the corner of her eye, she noticed the flash of anger on Willow's face. Apparently, the redhead had a lot to say about the 'naturalness' of her passing. "I w-wouldn't ask for a spell like this if I wasn't convinced it was the only way. I only found out about the seal a few hours – days ago?" She stumbled, unable to explain how differently time flowed between this plane and the next. "Even if I'd told you earlier, the spell only works if the stars align in the way they will tonight."

Oddly, Willow had gone still at the mention of stars. She closed her eyes, took deep breaths, and after awhile she began to mumble. "Oh Virgo, and Sirius is reappearing, and the stars associated with Nut, oh and those two constellations. I never noticed those before." When she opened he eyes again, she simply said, "Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow what?" Tara and Dawn were looking at her in confusion.

"They'll be aligned tonight and tomorrow," Willow answered brightly, all supporto-gal again. "That means we have time; we don't need to rush this. Which is good because I can prepare, and Dawn's going to need a little preparation, too."

"Tonight and tomorrow?" Tara repeated faintly, staring at her former lover in astonishment. "You can feel the stars?"

The redhead shrugged, looking embarrassed. Near the end of her first trip to England, Willow had developed a sense for the root systems that branched throughout the earth. That was how she'd sensed the First trying to break through the Hellmouth. Over the years, that talent had somewhat…expanded.

"Only if I pay attention," she said defensively. "Otherwise, just in a general way like, 'it's gonna be a good day' or 'it's not too auspicious today' or 'the world's gonna try to end again.' But the last one's easy `coz it's all attention-grabby." Suddenly another thought intruded. "Um, we don't need Osiris for this, do we? 'Coz Osiris? Not too happy with me."

"I don't think so. The important stars are the ones associated with Nut, like you said, so it's really her that we need." A crinkle appeared on Tara's forehead. "What do you mean Osiris isn't happy with you?"

Thankfully, Dawn interrupted. "What do nuts have to do with getting you back?" she asked in bewilderment.

Willow jumped at the welcome distraction. "Not nuts, finger food snacks. Nut, Egyptian sky goddess, usually depicted in a blue dress adorned with stars and holding an ankh. She's associated with death, afterlife, resurrection and rebirth. She's also Osiris' mother." Which is good, because Osiris probably won't obstruct a rite involving his own mother. I hope. "We're going to need a round water pot."

The girl threw out her hands. "Again with the what?"

"She's referring to the d-drawings," Tara explained this time, though her eyes didn't stray too long from the redhead. Goddess, she never ceases to amaze me. "Nut was drawn as a woman carrying a round water pot on her head. The ancient Egyptians associated water with birthing, bringing things to life."

"Oh." Dawn said, though she still didn't get it all. "So, me. I mean, what do you need from me?" she asked timidly.

Tara sensed the girl's nervousness immediately. "Sweetie, if you don't want to do this, you don't have to."

"I want to," Dawn assured her quickly. "If it will bring you back, even for awhile, I definitely want to. I just, I have no idea what to do."

Willow hesitantly laid a gentle hand on the girl's arm. "Sweetie, Tara needs a way into this plane and a place to stay. But before she can do any of that, she needs to…open a door first, between where she is and where we are."

"But she's already here, isn't she?" It wasn't a protest. Dawn just wanted to understand.

"Not really," Tara demurred. "What you're seeing right now is more like a reflection or a s-shadow."

"To bring her through, we need a key," Willow explained as gently as possible, knowing how much any mention of her non-human origins tended to upset Dawn. "That power is still in you, in your blood. But Tara's right, we're only going to do this if you want to. If you don't, we'll find another way."

"But this is our best chance, right?" There was barely a second of hesitation. "Let's do it," Dawn said decisively.

Willow hugged her. She couldn't help it, she felt like she would burst with pride. Over Dawn's shoulder, she traded glances with Tara, who looked like she wished she could join in. Our girl is so brave. The other witch smiled.

Dawn returned the hug. It felt good. It felt like the years of estrangement between her and Willow were fading away. She was amazed at how simple it was. Just like that, she had her other big sister back. And if things worked out, she'd have Tara again too, and her family would be complete. Even if it was just for awhile, it was something to look forward to.

"I have to go," Tara said softly, hating the way her words broke the embrace between the two women. But she had already stayed longer than she'd ever had before, and she could feel the pull of the other world growing stronger. "I'll be back…tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Willow confirmed eagerly. "Do we have to do it here?" she frowned, not liking the idea of doing the spell so close to a possibly unstable Hellmouth.

"No, anywhere is fine," Tara assured her.

"Then we'll do it at my place. Well, my aunt's place, really." The redhead halted as another complication struck her. "Will you be able to find us? I can probably give you directions…"

Tara smiled, even as she was fading away. "I always know where you are, Willow."

"Feeling okay?" Willow walked into the living room with a tray loaded with two warm cups of tea. It was nighttime, and she thought the herbal teas might help both of them unwind. "How'd Buffy take it?"

Dawn took one of the mugs gratefully. "You mean after she was sure I wasn't joking? Pretty good, actually. She's almost as excited as we are. Xander, too. They're just ticked that they can't come right away."

"Vampire?" the hacker inquired, taking a seat.

The girl rolled her eyes. "Try 'nest of.' A bunch of them decided to form a gang. We've been tracking them for weeks. Buffy thinks they're finally close to finding them, so they can't leave now. She asked if we needed slayer help. She says she can reach the others if we do."

Willow thought about it. "I don't think so. It's a difficult spell, but pretty straightforward otherwise. It either works or it doesn't."

"Do you think it will? Work?" the girl clarified.

"I hope so," was the fervent answer. "Goes without saying that I'm going to give it my best shot."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Then we find some other way to re-seal the Hellmouth."

"Willow, that's not what I mean."

"I know." The witch rubbed her eyes tiredly. She'd spent most of the hours since they'd gotten back researching. What they were going to do tomorrow was much more complicated than what the Scoobies had done for Buffy. Tara had been dead for years, her remains obliterated in the destruction of Sunnydale. Strictly speaking, this wasn't a resurrection so much as it was a rebirth.

She glanced at Dawn, and knew that at that moment they were both remembering the way Buffy was when she'd returned. The Slayer had barely spoken the first day of her resurrection, and there had been some doubt in the beginning as to whether she hadn't been…damaged somehow. Plus there had been that piggybacking demon.

"It's not going to be like that," Willow spoke up with fierce determination. "Tara's returning of her own free will, and only for a short time. She's going to wake up here, in a house, on a bed, in a room softly lit by candles. And the first thing she'll see is the two of us. She'll be fine." And if she's not? You know how chancy these things are now. It's not like before, when you were blissfully ignorant. Goddess, no wonder Giles wanted to tan my hide. I'd tan my hide, when I think of the risks we took. If I'd faltered in those tests…

She was snapped out of her reverie by Dawn's hand on her arm. "I believe you," the younger woman said seriously. "I know you'll do everything to make sure Tara's alright. But…what about after?"

"What do you mean?"

"You still love her, don't you? And it's obvious that she still loves you. Are you…?" The brunette trailed off, not exactly sure how to phrase the question.

Willow put her mug down. "Dawn, it's not like Tara and I can just pick up where we left off."

"Why not?"

"She's not going to be here long, for one thing. This is temporary, remember?" the hacker reminded her bleakly. "Besides, that might not be what she wants."

"Oh come on! You saw how she was, how she ran to you."

"And did you see how I almost made her cry, with my doubts and my being all question-y?" Willow took a deep breath. "Does she know, Dawn? About how I lost it and nearly ended the world? I went over everything she said, and it sounded like she only started watching us when we were fighting the First."

"I-I'm not sure," Dawn answered, thinking hard. "We never really talked about it. She first appeared to me back then, like I said. But that first time, she said you needed to know that you could lose control without losing yourself. I think that means that she knows."

"It sounds like she does," Willow agreed sadly, and yet she also felt a great sense of relief. If Tara knows, and she still wants me to do this spell…doesn't that mean that she trusts me? Suddenly, Willow's heart was beating really fast.

"Personally, I think it's good if she does." Dawn stifled a yawn. "I think I'm going to sleep now, unless you want to talk about what we're going to do tomorrow?" She stretched, and winced. "That's definitely the last cross-country bus ride I'm taking for awhile."

"Leave it, I'll fix up," Willow offered as the girl moved to take her cup. "We can talk about the spell tomorrow. I made up the spare bedroom for you. Bathroom's right next to it."

Dawn nodded her thanks and went up the stairs, leaving Willow alone with her thoughts.

Willow looked deep into the contents of her mug. I can't think of it this way. I shouldn't. Even if the spell works, she's going back to the Summerland. This is not a second or third chance with Tara. Get that idea out of your head right now, Rosenberg, she scolded herself. You can't fall in love and lose her all over again. Not if you want to stay sane. Not if you want the world to be safe.

With a look of resolve, Willow stood up and gathered the cups. If they were going to be as prepared as they could possibly be, more research needed to be done.

Part 4

In the end, Willow's careful preparations paid off and the spell went off perfectly.

There had been only one awkward moment. Right after Tara appeared and before they started the spell, the blonde had motioned Willow to one side.

"I-I need you to promise me something," Tara said gravely.

Something seemed to coil inside Willow. "What is it?" she asked, dreading the answer.

Tara swallowed. "I trust you, I do. I want you to know that. But you're so powerful now, and I just n-need to hear it from you."

She expected an argument or questions, but Willow just bent her head. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"I won't try to bring you back, Tara. I promise, not unless you want me to. I don't even know if I could. And anyway, I'm through tearing people out of heaven," she added bitterly. "There, is that enough?"

"Willow, I'm sorry. I just…"

"No apologies," Willow said firmly. "I have a spell to do, and I need to concentrate. I don't want to fight with you."

"I don't want to f-fight either."

"Then let's not." The witch shook her head. "I understand. Really, I do. Are you ready?"

Tara nodded. "I'm probably going to d-disappear as soon as the spell starts. I need to be fully on the other side when it begins."

"Okay."

The rest of it was almost uneventful, for a major spell. Everything was precise, all the ingredients carefully prepared. Willow was centered and her voice was steady as she began the ritual.

Even Dawn knew her part. At Willow's signal, she calmly took the sharpened athame from the center of the circle and ran it cleanly in a diagonal line across her palm. At the center of an impeccably drawn sacred circle, the mix of water and herbs in the round earthen pot glowed as it received the first trickles of blood from Dawn's outstretched fingers. When the startled girl looked at Willow, the witch merely smiled back, but without breaking her murmured supplication to the sky goddess.

Minutes passed. Dawn watched in awe as a form began to coalesce on the nearby queen-sized bed, which Willow had made sure was covered in pristine new sheets. The girl forgot all about the pain in her hand as the sense of Tara's presence grew, and the shape on the bed solidified.

And then, in a moment that for Dawn would always hold the real meaning of magic, the woman with dark blonde hair was simply there, looking for all the world like she was merely asleep. Her chest rose and fell with even breaths.

Willow signaled Dawn to remain as she ended her invocation and gave thanks to the sky goddess. "You alright?" she asked, as she took the athame from the girl, and pressed a bandage into her palm. It was a neat cut, she noted approvingly. But then, Buffy would've made sure that her sister knew how to handle blades.

Dawn nodded, still speechless as Willow ritually broke the circle. The redhead walked to the bed and tenderly drew a fresh blanket over Tara's form, which was skyclad. She carefully placed a folded robe and nightclothes next to her pillow.

"Is it really…did we do everything right?" Dawn asked nervously, her eyes glued to Tara now that she was covered.

"As much as I can tell, yes. You did really well, Dawnie." Willow smiled, and it was that smile, the equable certainty in it, that reassured the girl more than anything else. "Now we just have to wait for her to wake. She'll be tired, maybe disoriented. She traveled a long way."

"How long before she wakes?" the brunette asked eagerly.

"Hours, maybe all day. The books weren't too clear about that."

"All day?!" Dawn exclaimed plaintively. She couldn't imagine waiting that long. As it was, she was barely stopping herself from rushing over and hugging Tara, just to make sure that she was real.

"It's a lot to wait, I know," Willow said kindly, her eyes turning to Tara. "But I think we should give the spell time to settle down. I don't want to disturb her until she's ready. She deserves to wake peacefully."

Her words made Dawn feel a little ashamed. Here she was being all impatient, and if she felt like this then what must Willow be going through? For the first time since Tara's appearance, she snuck a glance at her sister's best friend, and held her breath.

Willow's eyes were shining a brilliant green, almost as if they were afire with their own inner light. Her coppery hair glowed like a nimbus around her head, and the peaceable smile on her face looked like it was seriously considering turning permanent.

"Willow, you're…" Dawn gasped, at a loss for words.

"I wouldn't let dark magic touch her, Dawnie," the witch said simply. "Not for this."

"This is what Kennedy was talking about, wasn't it?" the girl realized. "When Buffy, Faith and the new Slayers wanted to know how you pulled the spell off. You were downplaying your part in it, but Kennedy butted in and said that you'd turned into a goddess. See, I did listen to her sometimes."

Willow shook her head in amusement. "It's not the same, and yet…well in the most important ways, I guess it is. I'm not making much sense, am I?" she laughed. "I don't know what I looked like then. Kennedy said my hair turned white, and I was all glowy. I never could get much of a description out of her. Every time I tried, she'd get all excited and er- anyway, no idea," she ended quickly.

Dawn rolled her eyes. Honestly, sometimes Willow and Buffy treated her like she was twelve. Not that she'd ever really been twelve. "So we wait?" she finally said.

"Yup," the hacker answered cheerfully.

"We don't have to leave her, do we?"

"Not for a second."

"Okay," Dawn said gladly. "So um…what do we do in the meantime?"

Willow quietly pulled an armchair closer to the bed, and motioned Dawn to do the same to the chair by the dresser. "Do you still play chess?"

"You mean you haven't heard?" The college student pretended distress. "I led our team to the finals. Buffy and Xander were cheering like crazy. It was," she tried to search for the words that would best describe the experience, "really embarrassing!"

"I caught it, actually," Willow revealed with a grin. "I threatened Buffy with all sorts of dire curses if she didn't get the whole thing on video. They sent it to me, and Giles and I were screaming and throwing popcorn at the TV all throughout the tournament. Our English friends thought we'd gone mad. Just think how much more embarrassing it would've been if I'd been there." Suddenly, she ducked her head. "I should've been there, Dawnie. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," the young woman said sincerely, and it really was, now. "It doesn't matter because…I'm so going to whip your ass today! Oh that feels good. I've been waiting to say that for so long!" she exclaimed gleefully, spoiling for some payback. Dawn had lost nearly every game to the redhead since she'd first learned to play.

"Oh really? Well, I suppose miracles happen," Willow scoffed. Her voice softened as she gazed at the peacefully sleeping blonde, "and today seems to be the day for them."

Dawn buried her face in her hands. "How did we get to this?"

It was a rout. True, she had lasted much, much longer than she used to. Hours had passed since Willow and she had started to play. They had even broken for a quick lunch. The game had gotten so engrossing and competitive, they'd spent the last hour playing with less than nine pieces on the board. Then Willow had launched her blitzkrieg, and suddenly Dawn's king was running for its life.

"See, I have an unfair advantage. I've been playing against you since you started," Willow explained apologetically, as she crunched Dawn's bishop, "and sometimes you still lead with the knight. Check mate."

"I thought you were out of practice," her opponent grumbled. "Come on, spill. Who've you been playing with?"

"Malborg demon," Willow answered, still in a contrite tone. "It was one of those tests the coven designed. You know, deal with something major without using magic. I think they meant that mainly I should run away, but when I saw that it had a stone board in the corner of the cave, you know those tables with the sculpted pieces? I knew it was the kind of demon who took pride in his game. So I bet it a hundred years of no killing or maiming humans."

"You challenged a Malborg demon," Dawn deadpanned, "to a chess game."

"Best of three," Willow nodded. "It got iffy there for awhile. He won the first round."

"What were the stakes?" the girl asked curiously. "I can't imagine a demon giving up a hundred years of killing and maiming just like that."

"Oh well, Malborg demons, they really only like one thing. Blood, freshly flowing from the source. Witchy blood's even better, because of the potency or spiciness or something like that. They consider it a delicacy."

Dawn stared at her. "And the coven allowed this?!" she squeaked indignantly.

"Well, after the first few hours, they came to see how I was," Willow told her. "They figured that I was dead, you see. Then they stayed to watch the game. Actually, Grunthar – that's the demon's name – claims that that's why he lost. All those noisy, moving vessels of warm witchy blood moving around in his cave, they distracted him. But well, a deal's a deal. We still play sometimes. I mean, without the maiming and killing, he gets so bored."

The college student laid a hand on her aching head. "I think I'm going to see what we can have for dinner. Should I…?" She stood and gestured towards Tara, who was still sleeping.

Willow nodded. "Maybe she'll be awake by then." She looked down at the woman with soft eyes. "But let's keep it light for starters, okay? Soup first, maybe. If she can keep that down, we'll try something more solid. Whatever she wants."

She didn't notice Dawn suddenly blink back tears, suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of déjà vu. Seeing Willow watch over Tara like this reminded her of the time when Glory had snatched away the blonde witch's mind. Just like then, Willow seemed endlessly patient. Even when the Scoobies had fled, and the Knights and Glory's minions were chasing after them, she had never relinquished her role of caring for Tara.

In her heart, Dawn knew that if anything like that went wrong now, Willow would be exactly the same. "I'll see if I can make that vegetable minestrone Tara likes so much," she said, her throat tight.

"Thanks." Willow turned her attention back to Tara. As she had done for hours now, she restrained herself from touching the woman, unwilling to disturb her rest. She contented herself with drawing the blanket up further over the curled body. "Hear that, baby? Dawn's going to make one of your favorites. It'll be nice and ready by the time you wake up."

The witch sat back and nestled deep into the armchair. She sighed as she felt tiredness seeping into her. She'd barely slept last night, and the strain of doing the spell was catching up with her. She leaned her head back. I'll just rest my eyes awhile…

"Willow?"

She woke up to something she thought she'd lost forever, Tara touching her hair. The sight and sound and touch of the Wiccan rendered her speechless. Willow bit her lip as tears filled her eyes.

Tara had woken slowly. She found the robe and the nightclothes folded neatly by her side, and put them on. She wondered briefly why she was skyclad but thought, with a smile, that it might have something to do with Willow. Speaking of which, she had turned to the woman dozing just a foot away. She liked watching her lover sleep.

It took a full minute before Tara realized that something was wrong.

"Sweetie? Your hair, when did it grow so long? And you – have you done something?" she frowned. "I can't put my finger on it, but you look different…"

Willow swallowed, still unable to speak. But she realized immediately what Tara meant. Older. I look older. She straightened in her chair. But why was Tara surprised by that? Didn't Tara as much as imply that she'd been watching Willow all these years?

"…and why are you sleeping in the chair, honey? Why aren't you in bed with me?" Tara wondered.

Willow's heart hammered in her chest as one possible explanation leapt out at her. Okay, deep, deep breaths. She hoped that she was wrong. "Tara, I…what's the last thing you remember?"

The blonde witch frowned. "We were talking. I was looking at you, and…" Her eyes widened. "S-something hit me? From behind? Oh Goddess, Will, did someone…was I s-shot?"

The words rendered Willow speechless again. She could only nod as the memory of watching Tara die lanced through her.

"What happened?" Tara asked, her lips trembling. "D-d-did I…was I in a coma? I didn't wake up for…" she looked closely at Willow, at the devastation in her eyes, "m-months, y-years? Is that why you're so different? Oh my God, how long was I…?"

I can't do this! But Willow had to try. The blonde was so obviously distressed, so close to panicking. "Tara," she said hoarsely, "you've been…gone for awhile. You um missed a…few things. I…"

While her mouth was struggling to work, her mind was running a race. Something in Willow's mind clicked, and she understood. Tara doesn't remember. Everything from the time she died. She doesn't even know that she died, and that means…she doesn't remember what I did, how her worst fears about me and my magic came true. Oh Goddess!

Willow swallowed convulsively as she suddenly found herself fighting a temptation stronger than any dose of dark magic. "Tara, I…I've got to – to…" She looked up in relief as an excited Dawn burst through the door. "…prepare dinner! You need to eat. Dawn will fill you in."

Dawn squeaked, "What?!"

But Willow was already fleeing as if seven demons were after her. She was in the hallway before Dawn caught up with her and snagged her arm.

"What's going on?" she demanded.

"She doesn't remember, Dawn!" Willow whispered hoarsely. "She thinks she was in a coma. She doesn't even remember that she died."

Dawn looked at her in disbelief. "And you want me to be the one to break the bad news? No way! If we need to, we're going to tell her together."

Willow went pale. "No, I can't! You have to do it."

"What happened to 'whatever happens'?" Dawn asked. "If she doesn't remember she died," she said in a lower tone, "then that means as far as she's concerned, the two of you are still together. Don't you think she needs you in there?"

"That's exactly why I can't do this!" Willow twisted away. She was wringing her hands together, the very opposite of the calm Wiccan who'd performed the spell. "Dawn, she asked me to promise not to try to bring her back, and Goddess help me, I will keep that promise. But. But. She doesn't remember. It would be so easy," her voice fell to a whisper, "to let her continue thinking that, that she was in a coma, that she just woke up. And if I did something then, some spell to keep her here, she'd never know, would she? She wouldn't even remember that I promised."

"Willow…" Dawn was gazing at her in shock.

The redhead shuddered. "I can't risk it. You have to tell her, tell her everything that happened when she…passed. Don't leave anything out."

Dawn's eyes rounded with understanding. "You mean even the way you…?"

"Everything," Willow said firmly. "I…if after that she still wants anything to do with me, call me. I'll be downstairs." She left quickly, before she could change her mind.

Part 5

Willow worked feverishly in the kitchen, washing dishes, scrubbing pans, anything to keep her from thinking of what was going on upstairs. The sink had never been so shiny, the cabinets so neat.

Two hours had passed since she'd left Tara. She'd eaten a quick, tasteless dinner. She had looked up hopefully as Dawn came down to fetch a tray with two bowls of soup and some sandwiches, but the girl had merely inclined her head at Willow before heading upstairs again.

The witch's insides were churning in anxiety, not knowing how long to stay away or when it would be proper to try to check on the blonde. Assuming Tara wants to see me at all, she thought morosely. She knew Tara well enough to predict that the gentle witch would be horrified by what she'd done. What she has to find out about all over again.

What she'd forgotten was how innately understanding Tara was, how absolutely unafraid she was in the face of matters emotional. So she froze when Tara, snuggly wrapped in a long, fuzzy bathrobe that Willow had left hanging in the upstairs bathroom, walked into the kitchen. It hadn't occurred to her that Tara would seek her out.

The woman's dark blonde hair was wet, and her skin was flush from what must've been a warm shower. She carefully perched on a stool next to the counter. She watched the bustling redhead quietly for awhile. Then she asked, "Is it true? What Dawn said?"

Willow offered her a weak smile. "You're going to have to be more specific."

The blue eyes remained somber. "You k-killed two people? T-tortured Warren? Fought Buffy and Mr. Giles? And how could you possibly think that ending the world would be a remotely good idea?"

"Um…I wasn't really thinking at the time?" Willow tried. When Tara said nothing, she gave up all pretense at other activities. She braced herself against the kitchen sink, arms wrapped protectively around her torso. She had a hard time meeting Tara's gaze so she didn't.

"You threatened Dawn?" Tara spoke up again. "Willow, how could you?" How could you do that to Dawnie? When we swore we'd take care of her? When we were sisters and guardians to her?

As if she'd heard the unspoken accusation, Willow flinched. "I wasn't going to hurt her, not really. I just wanted to scare her so she'd get out of my way. I…" She cringed at the feebleness of her own excuses. Just listen to yourself, Rosenberg. Who are you kidding here? Nothing could possibly justify what you did, and you know it.

Willow took a long, steadying breath, and forced herself to meet Tara's steady blue eyes. "No excuses. I was angry, I lost control. I was ready to die for what I did," she said matter-of-factly. "When Giles took me to England, I thought it was to kill me, and I accepted that. Instead, he introduced me to the coven, and they went Hogwarts on me. They taught me magic, not just the spells, but the philosophy, the way everything's connected. I learned about Gaia, and Wicca as a belief and a way of life. These women, they're incredible, Tara. I wish there was time for you to meet them. Only…of course they were scared of me." She frowned. "I never did find out why they decided not to kill me. It would've been the easiest way."

Tara shivered at the blunt narration. How can she stand there and discuss it so coldly, as if it didn't matter whether she lived or died? "I'm glad they didn't kill you, Willow."

The hacker hung her head. Willow. Just Willow. No sweetie or honey, or any of the tiny endearments the blonde had used when she'd first woken. But then, it was no less than what she deserved. "Makes two of us."

A heartbeat passed. "I'm starting to remember."

"Remember? You mean everything that happened?"

"Not everything, bits and pieces. I think the shock of entering the physical world, I don't know, threw me?" Tara mused. "Maybe I'm starting to recover, or maybe Dawn's story jogged my memory. When Dawn told me how I d-died, and how the two of you brought me back, I wasn't surprised. It felt…familiar."

"That's good. Not the dying part, but that your memory's coming back," Willow amended quickly. "You should rest. We have a few days, a fortnight according to the spell. I can start the research, if there's any to be done," she offered.

"There's plenty." Tara bit her lip worriedly. "Oh Willow, I d-don't remember the spell! The one we're supposed to do together to fix the seal…Dawn told me what I said, but outside of that…Oh Goddess, what are we going to do?"

"Hey, it's okay." Willow forgot her anxieties and circled around the counter to comfort the apprehensive witch. "We'll find it, or you'll remember. Tara, you've had a hard day. Passing from one world to another, it's not exactly a walk in the park. Maybe you just need some time to, I don't know, get used to it?"

She drew herself up, all-professional Scooby now that she had a problem to solve. "I bet our main problem's going to be the sheer volume of material. 'Coz this is the Hellmouth, right? Every watcher, slayer, seer and witch, not to mention the odd vampire or two, has probably written something about it. Even if it was just, `I was here, yay me.' I wish there was some way we could, I dunno, Google the library. Except we'd still have trouble picking the keywords. I mean, if you just enter 'Hellmouth' you'd get thousands of hits. Maybe we could try 'Hellmouth' and 'seal' but I bet there'd still be hundreds…are you laughing at me?"

"A little," Tara confessed, stifling a giggle but failing. "It's been awhile since I heard you trying to go in five directions all at once."

"You should stop me when I do that," Willow said crossly.

Tara shook her head, a smile touching her lips. "Never."

"Uh, right." She hesitated. Oh to hell with it. "Tara…you have no idea how much I wish I could tell you that I didn't do any of those things. I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean much, but I am."

The blonde sighed. "I know. Or at least Dawn knows, and if she and the others forgave you then I can hardly…It's just, it's really hard to believe. I know you. In a million years, you'd never -"

Willow shut her eyes. "But I did." Never the easy way. But then I guess I stopped deserving easy a long time ago. "Tara, look at me. Read me the way only you can."

"Willow?"

"Do it." Her voice grew firm as her green gaze locked with blue. "When you woke up, you noticed the physical changes first. It's been years since you…passed. But right before I left, you felt it, didn't you? You've always been the sensitive. You can sense auras and energies. What do you see in me now?"

"Traces of darkness," Tara whispered. "Veins of purple-black in your aura."

"Then you know. Your senses are telling you that it's true. Believe it. I've killed. I've caused a tremendous amount of pain." Her eyes dropped to the empty space between them. "I'm not the Willow you knew." Or loved. She had hoped to escape this, but the gaps in Tara's memory had made this outcome inevitable. This is part of the price you pay for what you've done.

But Tara was also noticing other differences in the redhead, how warily she carried herself, the stiff set of her shoulders, the way her gaze constantly shifted and lowered. It brought home the point that this wasn't the lighthearted college student she remembered. But then, this wasn't the reckless Willow who had blithely abused magic either.

Tara realized with a pang that she barely knew this Willow, who was so quick to condemn herself. Of course, there had been shades of this uncertainty in the very beginning, when they'd first met, but the Willow she had known for the most part was a woman who was growing in confidence and power, and was take charge when needed. Except…a memory came to her, of a night when a claustrophobic Anya had heaped abuse upon abuse on a strangely mute redhead. How Willow had not even moved when the former vengeance demon had rounded on her, and how the tirade had stopped only when Tara herself had stepped between the two, and defended Willow.

"It's not the only change," Tara offered after awhile. "There used to be a mottled green-gray streak that was probably your addiction. It's gone, Willow, and there's a band of gold and white in your aura so bright that it's almost blinding. Dawn told me…there are Slayers now, not just Buffy and Faith? You touched the Goddess when you made them, didn't you?" Her voice hushed. Channeling that kind of pure magic was an experience only a handful of witches were privy to.

Since she had her ex-lover's permission, she continued to read her. "There's a strong unity in the way your energy flows, too. You're emanating such a lot of power, but it's stable. You have more magic than I've ever seen in any one person, but it's all under control. How are you doing that?" she asked, clearly amazed.

"Oh you know," Willow answered lightly, cheered by Tara's revelation. "Healthy living. Exercise. Lots of wholesome, organic foods. And not using magic unless I have to, and definitely not for everyday things, because someone once told me that that's not what magic is for."

The words filled the blonde witch with warmth. "You remember that?"

"I remember everything about you. I used to write it down," Willow reminded her.

"Do you still keep a journal?" Tara asked. Perhaps Willow would let her to read it. It would be one way to find out what had happened since she'd gone and, more importantly, it would let her get to know the redhead all over again.

But Willow was shaking her head. "After…there was no point after." She had started the journal after Buffy's mother had died, because it had suddenly struck her how all moments were fleeting, and she didn't want to forget the moments she spent with Tara. But losing her lover – that was the last thing she wanted to remember.

Tara looked like she was about to say something else, but before she could, Willow deliberately switched topics. "So what do you want to do…well, not today because it's getting pretty late, but tomorrow? Aside from getting plenty of rest."

"I was thinking," Tara said hesitantly, "maybe some shopping?" She saw the redhead's surprise. "I know it sounds strange, but-"

"No, no, it's completely understandable," Willow denied immediately. "I mean, I'd go shopping the first chance I'd get, too. It's not like there're malls in the Summerland. Buffy, Xander and I, we were talking about going to the new mall after fighting the First. It's totally not strange."

"I need to get some clothes," Tara explained. "I can't go around in a robe and a nightgown all day."

"Oh. Actually that's not a problem. I bought some stuff," Willow revealed, "and kept a couple of things. So you've got some new clothes, towels, toothbrush, sleepwear, that sort of thing. I figured you'd need them. They should be good for a few days. Come to think of it, there should be something down here. Now where'd I put…"

Tara curiously followed the redhead into the living room. Trust my organized gal to think of everything, she thought fondly, wondering where the hacker had found the time.

Willow opened the small closet near the entrance to the house and handed her something.

"My leather trench coat! You kept this?" Tara held the garment up in delight.

"It's a little worn but it's clean. I um, I use it sometimes," Willow said awkwardly. "Most of your other stuff was lost in the Sunnydale implosion, but this one I had with me. It's…what you were wearing when you came back to me."

"I remember," Tara said softly. She held the long coat against her. "Thank you, Willow."

"Not a problem," Willow returned. The image of the blonde hugging the coat was doing funny things to her insides. Unbidden, an image rose in her mind – Tara and she trading wild, hungry kisses as her fingers hooked into the coat and slipped it from her lover's curvy body. She swallowed and hid her twitchy fingers behind her back. "I'm going to turn in soon I think. Do you need anything?"

Tara shook her head. "It looks like you took care of everything. Oh, just…where am I sleeping?"

"In the room where you woke, if you like," Willow offered. "Your stuff's already in there, but if you want to switch rooms, that's fine too."

"But isn't that your room?" the blonde objected.

"Only when I'm here, which isn't often. It's okay, my aunt won't mind if I take hers. She's on a Mediterranean cruise, she won't be back for weeks. Dawn's got the guest room, so it all works out." Willow hesitated. "Have I mentioned yet how glad I am that you're back? Even if it's just temporary, I…" She felt tears pooling in her eyes, and stopped herself.

"I never left you, Willow." Even with her scant memory, Tara knew that it was true. She couldn't imagine it being otherwise. She brushed her hand gently against the redhead's cheek, feeling the delicate skin under her fingers. "Even when you couldn't see me." Her heart sped up – something I have to get used to again – and suddenly she thought, why are we sleeping in separate rooms?

It was followed closely by the realization that what she wanted more than anything was to feel the comforting warmth of her lover – former lover, Tara, years have passed, remember? – cradling her on her first night back, and to wake next to her in the morning. But she wasn't going to push. "G-good night? And thank you for bringing me," there was a sudden, strong impulse to say 'home' that surprised her, "…back."

"Good night, Tara. I'll see you tomorrow?" Just saying those words, being able to say them again, brought an incredible rush of joy to Willow.

"Tomorrow," Tara agreed warmly. Impulsively, she kissed Willow on the cheek before making her way upstairs. Although she was disappointed that the redhead hadn't made a move to change their sleeping arrangements, the smile on her face was enough for now.

Willow barely stopped herself from running after the blonde, and asking her to…What, sleep with you? Ask to join her in her room? Presume much? She stayed rooted on the spot for several minutes. She raised her hand to the cheek where Tara had kissed her. Her normally busy mind was devoid of everything except for a couple of thoughts. One was: Tomorrow, and all the feelings that came with that one, simple notion. The other was: Dear Gaia, how am I going to do this? How am I going to find the strength to stay away from her?

Part 6

Willow woke up to what was probably the happiest morning of her life in recent memory. Until panic set in. It was real, wasn't it? It wasn't some long, incredibly detailed dream?

She leapt out of bed and checked the other rooms, but even Dawn's bedroom was empty. Nervously, she made her way down towards the kitchen. No words could describe how her heart twisted when she heard a familiar voice asking, "Funny shapes or round?"

"I missed the funny shapes." The shy, happy voice of Dawn.

"Good, because to tell you the truth, funny shapes might be all I can manage right now. Still not a hundred percent on the pancakes but maybe…Oh hi, Willow."

"H-hi," Willow managed, her throat tight.

Tara was dressed casually in a simple, body-hugging shirt and jeans, and her dark blonde hair was gathered into a ponytail. She looked wonderfully, gloriously alive.

Casting about for something to say, the redhead went with, "You should've woken me, I would've cooked."

"No, it's okay. Dawnie and I were up really early."

Willow looked at the pair of them. "Does 'really early' translate to 'no sleep'?"

"Something like that." Tara smiled. "We had a lot of catching up to do. Pancakes?"

"Thanks." Willow hoped the other two wouldn't notice how her hand trembled as she took a plateful from the blonde. "Wow, this is a lot."

Tara's expression was sheepish. "Sorry, I sort of went on automatic."

"No, no, it's fine. It's great!" the redhead assured her. "Don't you think it's great, Dawn?"

"Uhuh," Dawn mumbled, her mouth stuffed with pancakes.

"I keep expecting Buffy and Xander to walk in. That's probably why, you know, enough pancakes to feed an army," Tara explained. She handed Willow the syrup, studiously ignoring the way her hand tingled when their fingers brushed.

"Well you might see them, but not today." Dawn swallowed and reached for the milk. "Buffy called this morning. She says she can't stand it, she's flying in if there are no developments with the vamps by tomorrow. Xander wanted to come, too, but someone's got to stay with the SITs."

"SITs?" Tara asked. "Oh, the potentials?"

"Slayers-in-training," Willow nodded. If Tara remembered the potentials then that meant that more of her memory was coming back. "The first batch of potentials are Slayers in their own right by now, of course. Those who decided to continue at any rate. But we've been getting the younger ones, and we make sure that they go to Buffy for training first."

"'Those who decided to continue?'" the blonde echoed. "Slayers can choose now?"

"Oh yeah. It's in the new and improved Watchers' Council's guidebook and the Slayer handbook," was the enthusiastic answer. "Buffy insisted, and it makes sense since there isn't just the one Slayer for this generation anymore."

"Willow should know, she wrote them," Dawn piped in. "I guess you could call them her first crack at writing."

The redhead looked embarrassed. "Somebody had to. The old ones were burned with all the other books, and the stuff Giles could remember was totally antiquated, like so nineteenth century. It badly needed an update."

"So there's a new Council, and it's f-friendlier?" Tara had met the old Council once, and she hadn't liked them very much. They had been intrusive, prying people who seemed to spend a lot of time holding their collective noses in the air. They'd been awfully intimidating, too, until Buffy had put them in their place.

Willow nodded. "The First Evil destroyed most of the old Council. There was a bunch of Ethan Rayne-types who tried to set up another one, but those guys were so Idi Amin, we and Angel had to put a stop to it. The new one's run by Giles. It's busy as anything because there's a lot to rebuild and so few of the old Watchers left, the trustworthy ones anyway…Where was I? Oh yeah, new Council, friendlier, lots of changes. For one thing, active Slayers now have an allowance," she announced proudly.

From her tone, Tara could guess whose nifty idea that was. "I always wondered why they didn't before."

"It was because of the 'Slaying's a calling' thing," Willow explained. "I mean, Giles and I agreed that no one should be doing Slayage for money because that's just demeaning and wrong. But Slaying takes a lot of time, and the original Slayers like Buffy and Faith are even busier now because they're asked to teach the SITs. So no salary, which satisfies tradition, but the Council makes sure they have funds for living expenses and weapons and stuff so they can concentrate on the slaying if they need to. We even took out group insurance."

"Nice compromise," Tara commented. Her forehead crinkled in a frown. It sounded like Willow and Giles had "agreed" on a lot of things. Plus, the redhead had written the new rules, and it seemed like she'd helped stop the old Council too. "Willow…are you part of the Council now?"

"Not really, I -"

"Totally," Dawn jumped in, glad that the witch had figured it out. "What? Oh come on, you so know you are, even if it's unofficial," she said over Willow's protests. She leaned towards Tara. "This part I forgot to tell you last night. Willow's sort of Head-Watcher-in-training. Giles is Head of the Council now, but everyone understands that if he ever decides to step down…"

"Then someone else takes over," the redhead cut in emphatically.

Dawn didn't back down. "Willow, you know no one else can run Slayer Central like you can. You're practically second-in-command. I know you think being a Watcher is awkward right now because of K- er, because of stuff, but who else is going to do it?" she asked in exasperation

The hacker ignored the near-slip, stubbornly maintaining that other people were more qualified. "Buffy can. I mean who better to guide the Slayers than the original?"

The brunette nearly laughed. "Hey, I love my sister, but please. You know it'd drive her crazy in a couple of months. Buffy and Faith, they're Slayers not watchers, and that's how they like it. They like being on the ground, in on the action. Remember Giles' little speech? What the Council really needs are people who can see the big picture, but who understand what it means to fight evil." Dawn bit her lip. "Why else did you stay in England for so long, if you really didn't like being there?"

"Dawnie…" There were other concerns, mainly having to do with Willow's conviction that a person who'd fought a Slayer, worse, the Slayer, no matter how briefly, shouldn't be part of the Council at all, much less possible Head. But the girl's question and the way she asked it took the wind out of her arguments.

Tara felt like she'd stepped into the middle of a long, ongoing dispute with lots of undercurrents. She knew that Dawn had resented Willow for leaving. She'd gotten the sense, since her return, that the two had reconciled. But that didn't mean that there weren't still a few sore points. "So Buffy's coming? When?"

As she'd hoped, the question allayed the tension and brought everyone's attention back to the present. "Tomorrow. I'm booking her a flight late in the morning. I'll pick her up from the airport, if I can borrow the car?" Dawn asked Willow.

The hacker nodded. "Go ahead. Just no Hellmouthy side trips please."

"Yeah right, as if I would." The girl rolled her eyes. "God, I'm full. Thanks, Tara." She stretched. "I'm going to take a shower and straighten out the room. Otherwise I'll never hear the end of it. Do Buffy and I really need to share a room?" she asked with the slightest trace of a whine.

"Unless you want to try to convince your sister to camp out on the sofa, sorry, full house," the redhead quipped.

She stood up as the grumbling girl left. "Coffee?" she offered to Tara.

"Please," the blonde nodded. She sat down at the small dining table and waited for Willow to join her with two steaming mugs. She sipped the drink slowly, savoring it.

"Is it okay?" Willow asked anxiously.

"Just the way I like it," Tara affirmed, touched that Willow remembered the way she took her coffee.

The redhead looked pleased. "Did you sleep well last night?"

It was on the tip of Tara's tongue to say yes, the expected answer, but instead, she suddenly found herself blurting out the truth. "N-not really. I started to remember some things, and it was…it wasn't pleasant."

The memory of the First had returned last night, and the sense of that evil had been so disturbing, it had shaken Tara from sleep. But that hadn't been the most difficult part. With the First had come the recollection of the potentials…and of the potential called Kennedy.

"Maybe before," Tara thought, "as a spirit, I felt different." After all, it was she who'd told Dawn to let Willow and Kennedy be. But now?

The thing with memory loss was, even though she knew she was simply recalling events that she had once known, everything felt new, like she was seeing them for the first time. So when the images of Willow with another woman hit Tara, it ripped through her very human heart.

The pain was exquisite. Visions of Willow losing herself in a younger girl's kiss, in another's strong brown arms swirled with the memory of her own spirit resolutely guarding the door, as the Slayer-to-be made the love of Tara's life moan in a way that the witch had always thought only hers to command…

Then it got worse, because it was Willow's turn, and everyone in the house must've heard the cry of ecstasy that was Willow's name wrung from somebody else's lips…Oh Goddess, take this away from me. Please!

Tara had sat up on the bed, trembling. She had wanted – oh why deny it – yearned for Willow, who was only a few steps away, in the room across the hall. She had struggled with the urge to get up and "check" on the redhead, with the hope that maybe once there she'd be invited to stay. Because she knew what she'd do then. Rightly or wrongly, she'd claim Willow as hers once more, stamp out those memories with new ones. She would make the redhead scream her name until she forgot the other Slayer…

"Tara?" Willow laid a concerned hand on the blonde's arm. She frowned as she felt her shiver. "Are you okay?"

"What?" There was a distinct flash in the blue eyes, and then they cleared. "Oh s-sorry, I w-was just remembering."

"Well, that's…good," the hacker said a little uneasily. Was she imagining it or had there been, for a second, something blatantly possessive in Tara's gaze? Oh great, now I'm projecting. "Anything interesting?"

"N-not really." The blonde ducked her head and…was that a blush?

"Dawn came in before…er, a few minutes later. She tried to be quiet, she just wanted to check if I was okay I think, but I was already awake so we ended up talking. We've spoken before, of course, but a few minutes of conversation with a ghost – it's not the same, is it?" she asked lightly.

"I guess not," Willow replied, but there was a wistful expression on her face. "Tara, Dawn said you…couldn't appear to me? You said much the same thing to me the first time I saw you, something about blocking?"

"It was the only way I could think of to stop the First." Tara frowned as she struggled to describe what had happened. "L-let me tell you first about the Summerland. Or at least what I can. Everything there is soft…ethereal? It feels a little like everything's floating, and you're at peace. I don't think I was Tara when I was there. I mean I was," she clarified as Willow's eyes widened, "but I was also…everyone my soul had ever been, including who I was when I passed."

"The part of me that was Tara was connected to Dawn, to Buffy and the Scoobies, even to my f-family, but mostly…to you. I don't know how to explain it. I was aware of you, but it was like I was…watching from afar? Though 'far' isn't the right word either. The Summerland isn't a place like we think of places, it's not locked into a location. Even time's not the same there, there are spaces when there's time and then there's not-time." Tara knew it wasn't the clearest of descriptions. She was frustrated by her inability to communicate more than this vague picture to Willow, but there was simply no human frame of reference she could use that would encompass the experience. "But sometimes I would get stronger impressions, flashes of feeling and seeing. When I first arrived, I was overcome by an outburst of rage and pain. For a second, there was a distinct image of y-you, except…I thought it couldn't be you. It was a girl with your face and your body, but everything about her was dark."

"Dark hair, black eyes, veiny skin," Willow described in a voice that shook, appalled that her former lover had seen her like that. "Dark soul."

"Hurt, enraged soul," Tara corrected. "Oh Willow, I would've come to you then, if I had known how. But I was so new, I couldn't even tell if what I was seeing was happening right at that moment or if it was an echo of something that had already happened. I'm sorry…"

"Gods, Tara, don't apologize!" the witch burst out fiercely. "Not for that. Never for that. It was all me. It was my fault."

"I'm not blaming myself, Will," Tara explained gently, knowing that the mere possibility horrified the redhead, "but I wish I could've helped."

Willow shook her head emphatically. "No, I'm glad you weren't there when it happened. I was out of my mind. Who knows what I would've done or tried if you'd actually appeared to me? At least in the end it turned out alright. Xander saved me, and Giles and Buffy."

"Xander saved the world," Tara agreed softly.

"Yeah well, we take turns. It's a Scooby thing. Buffy's still ahead, though." The tiny joke drew a smile from the blonde. Willow continued seriously, "I wish that none of that had touched you. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I mean, it's good that you feel sorry for what you did," Tara said, "but don't be sorry that your soul cried out to me. It's part of loving someone, Willow. It means that our love was strong; it formed a bond between our souls. I wouldn't give that up for anything." The gentle witch looked down into her cup. "B-but I did give up something later."

"Tara?" Willow was alarmed to see tears rolling down the woman's face.

"I th-thought I'd cut myself off from you forever," Tara's voice dropped to a whisper. "W-when I blocked the First." She was surprised when Willow took her hands and held them firmly in her grasp.

"Tell me," the redhead said softly, lending her strength.

The intrusion was sudden, fierce and filled with malice. The malevolent intruder probed and prodded, and before she could even react, it had snatched the memories of her and Willow. Willow…In an instant, the young soul was overwhelmingly Tara once more, filled with the need to protect her lover. Because she knew immediately that this being was not after her, but after Willow. Its desire to hurt the redhead was tremendous.

It twisted again, this time trying to steal her image. NO! Tara stepped out of the Summerland to stop it, but it was too fast. It was an entity with ties to the earth, and it would get there sooner than she could ever hope to. But that didn't change the fact that she would not let herself be used to hurt Willow. Never! Even if it meant that Willow couldn't see her again…

By the time she finished her story, they were both in tears. Willow squeezed Tara's hands once before slowly letting go.

Tara felt the loss of the contact acutely.

"You're so brave," Willow said, her voice tinged with awe.

"It was for you," Tara demurred, as if that explained everything. "It was the First Evil, wasn't it?"

The redhead nodded. Even now there was a nervous cast to her face.

"T-tell me?" it was Tara's turn to ask. "What happened a-after? It got here so much faster than I did."

"Are you sure? It's a long story." Willow's reluctance was obvious.

"We have time." She gazed intently at her love. This time she was the one who reached across the table to take the redhead's cold hands. "Please, Willow? What did the First do to you?"

The hacker swallowed. Haltingly, she told her side of the story.

Part 7

Willow looked intently at their joined hands, as if to draw strength from their connection.

"There was a girl," she began. "She was Dawn's age, a precog. Her name was Cassie Newton, and she had a premonition that she was going to die. We tried to save her, and in a way we did, but in the end we still lost her. Buffy says she just collapsed. When the First appeared to me, it took her form. I was in the library, researching, when Cassie showed up and told me that she had a message from you. She said you needed to tell me things, but that you couldn't show yourself to me because I had blood on my hands," she said in a shaky voice. "She knew so many things, Tara. I thought…She was really convincing."

Willow had used much the same words to relate the encounter to Buffy and Xander. But this was Tara, so she went on. "She asked if I remembered our bridge and the song you sang to me, and what we said about being Amazons. She said – it sounds silly, I know – but she said you were still singing to me. She had me in tears. I really believed that I was talking to you through her. I guess because I wanted so badly for it to be true."

"Oh Willow." The blonde was horrified at the pain she must've gone through.

"Later, after Joyce appeared to Buffy and Dawn, I wondered. Why Cassie? I mean, she was a nice girl, but I hardly knew her. I thought it was just a matter of time, so I braced myself. I tried to prepare for the day when the First would appear to me with your face, look at me through your eyes. Even now I don't know if I could've handled that," she admitted.

"I wouldn't have l-let it," Tara said resolutely. One hand came up briefly to touch Willow's face, to draw her away from the past and into the present, into this miracle that was the two of them talking across a small table.

"I know. You didn't, and…I haven't thanked you for that yet, have I?" the redhead realized.

"You don't need to. I did it for me, too. What it was planning was d-disgusting!" The idea was repulsive to Tara on so many levels. To use love like that, to twist the memories they shared, to use her against Willow, how could such an abomination be borne? "How did you figure it out? That it wasn't me?"

"Oh that was, well, not easy, but obvious eventually. In its typical egocentric, evil entity way, the First overplayed its hand. It tried to get me to kill myself." The hacker's lips twisted into a sardonic smile. "The stop-magic-right-now stuff was easy to swallow. I didn't even think about it. Giles warned me that it was dangerous to stop, but magic was the last thing we fought about, and if you wanted me to hold it right there then that's what I was going to do. But when it suggested that I should pretty much end it…"

Tara found herself holding her breath, tightening her hold on Willow.

"It painted a pretty picture," the smaller woman's voice dropped to a whisper, "of me with a blade to my wrist, with your picture on my lap. Now if it had made that suggestion earlier –" Abruptly, she clamped her mouth shut.

There were things Willow had never meant to tell anyone, had not revealed to a single soul until now. Abruptly, she let go of Tara's hands. She stood and grabbed their empty cups hastily, glad for any excuse to get away.

Of course it was already too late. In seconds, Tara was on her feet and following her. Willow had her back to her, and she could see that her hands were braced knuckle-white on the kitchen counter.

"W-Willow? D-d-did you…?" She couldn't bring herself to finish the question. Her throat was tight with fear.

"No," the redhead answered slowly. "But there were moments when I wanted to, a couple of times when I…almost."

"Oh honey, no." Deep blue eyes filled with tears. "N-never a good idea." When Willow stayed frozen, the blonde grasped her shoulders and urged her gently to turn around. When she still wouldn't look at her, Tara ran a finger lightly along her jaw and tilted her head up so their faces were level. "You should always be alive and strong. Like an Amazon, remember? The world needs you."

"I try, Tara. I do, but sometimes it's so hard," Willow said hoarsely. Something in her let loose at the admission, and she began to weep.

"I know, darling, I know." The witch pulled the green-eyed woman into her arms, bringing her close until they were leaning against each other, Willow's head buried in Tara's shoulder. "It's alright now, I'm here. I never left you, my love."

They stood together in the cramped space, silent save for the sobs that wracked the redhead's small frame and the blonde's soothing reassurances. Willow sank into the warm, long-missed comfort of this embrace, letting every pent-up emotion go.

For awhile the two women reveled in the simple fact that they were finally able to console each other in a way that had long been denied to them. Together, they chased the darkest of demons away.

It was hard to say when the nature of their embrace changed. It happened gradually, as Willow's cries subsided. The only thing they could both be sure of after was that it was Tara who moved first.

Tara felt the redhead's arms slacken around her, and understood what was coming next. Willow was preparing to let go. She would get a hold of herself, probably mumble an apology about her impromptu cry-fest and try to make a weak joke about it. Then they would both go back to this thing they were trying to do, this civilized, gracious pretense that they were nothing more than former lovers.

Only Tara realized she couldn't. It wasn't as if they'd broken up and were seeing each other years down the road. This wasn't some social meeting between exes. What had parted them was nothing as mundane as heartbreak. Tara had died. They had been ripped from each other in a single bloody moment, and they had been very much in love when it happened.

Now she was finally holding Willow in the way she'd wanted to since she'd woken, and this feeling…it felt exactly like coming home. How could she let that go? I can't, not yet. Not ever, if the gods are kind.

Her hands were low on the slim woman's back, and it took very little effort to begin moving them upwards, to push lightly along the familiar curve of spine, until she was molding Willow to herself as surely as she had done hundreds of time before. She felt her partner's breath hitch as their bodies fit together in the accustomed way – in seconds there was not an inch of space between them – and then her boneless surrender as she let herself fall under the spell of Tara's gentle touch.

Tara's heart sped as palms flattened, reacquainting themselves with the familiar-yet-now-new territory of warm skin beneath thin clothes. They drew apart just enough to trade a brief searching looks before Tara leaned forward to trace kisses over Willow's face, tasting the salt on her cheeks.

There was no hurry, no urgency, but it wasn't long before the blonde witch gave into her heart's desire, and pressed her lips to Willow's.

A sigh rose from the redhead's throat, swallowed in the soft, achingly sweet contact. In that moment, it was as if they'd never been apart.

The kiss began chastely. In its way, it was another means of offering comfort. But when Willow's head fell back and her eyes closed, Tara found herself pressing harder against the smaller woman.

Willow's mouth instinctively parted at the first exploratory touch of the witch's tongue. Then, suddenly, she broke the kiss and staggered back. Her eyes were wide and a little wild, her breathing ragged.

Tara dropped her hands and looked away, but not before Willow caught the crumpled rejection in her eyes. "S-sorry, I shouldn't have…I forgot that y-you're with s-s-someone else now. I know you're trying to w-work things out…"

"You know nothing!" the redhead declared harshly, not bothering to correct her. Right now, other relationships were the last thing on her mind. "I can't do this!"

Willow's hands clenched tightly at her sides. "It took me years – years! – to get over you. I had to tell myself everyday that you were gone, that you were at peace, that I had to accept that and that I should learn to live my life without you. And just when I think that I've moved on, you come back. It's like a – a big cosmic joke! I can't kiss you, and fall in love again and let you go, Tara! You made me promise. How could you make me promise?"

"I'm s-sorry if…d-did you say f-f-f-fall in love again?" The witch couldn't help the hopeful note that crept into her voice. Since the spell had brought her back, she was all too human again. And human or not, there had never been any form in which she did not want Willow to be hers.

"Tara." All the anger drained from Willow as the blonde gazed at her with infinite tenderness, hiding nothing of what she was feeling. Oh goddess, that look, those eyes like the clearest sky. "I may have exaggerated the whole 'getting over' thing," she admitted slowly. "It took me years to say your name without breaking into tears or…just breaking. Now when I talk about you or when your name comes up, there's still this tug inside, but that's okay. People can deal with it because it doesn't show up so much on my face anymore."

"Will…"

"I love you." There. It was out, the truth that Willow had been trying to keep bottled up inside since the moment she'd laid eyes on Tara again. "You…the way it happened…I never had the chance to stop loving you. So I don't know how. I don't know how to stand here, and have you here, and not want you to be with me for as long as…" Her voice shook. Then she straightened. "I should go."

"Willow…" Tara tried again, desperately wanting to, what exactly? Explain? Apologize? But how could she do those things when she barely understood what was going on herself?

"Don't." Willow smiled painfully. "I promised I would let you go. I will never break a promise to you again." Without another word, she turned and left.

The hacker resolutely stayed inside her room for the rest of the day, her eyes glued to the screen of her laptop. A sandwich lay half-eaten next to her. As she'd predicted, the first hurdle was the sheer volume of material. Just sifting through this stuff could take weeks…

Dawn burst into the room later that night and slammed the door behind her. "What's wrong with you?" she demanded.

Willow didn't even glance her way. "Aren't you supposed to be arranging Buffy's flight?"

"It's done, she's coming tomorrow, and don't try to change the subject!" the girl snapped in quick succession.

The redhead rubbed her eyes tiredly. "What do you want, Dawn?"

"I want to know why the woman we both thought we'd lost, the woman who through some miracle is back, is crying her heart out in the next room," she demanded.

Willow's head shot up. "Tara's crying?"

"She was. I finally got her to sleep," Dawn muttered. She threw her hands out. "I don't get it! When she died, you lost it. You tried to destroy everything because you couldn't stand the pain of losing her. Now that she's back, you won't even give her the time of day?"

"That's not what happened. You don't understand." The witch tried to stay calm.

"I just said that! I don't get it," the girl repeated. "I leave you guys alone for awhile, and when I come back you're holed up in here, and Tara looks like she lost her best friend. What happened?"

"We were talking and one thing led to another," Willow answered reluctantly. "We…kissed."

"About frickin' time."

"Dawn!"

"What? Oh come on, don't tell me you didn't want to."

"You do remember that this is a short-term arrangement, right?" the witch reminded her harshly. "Two weeks, maybe a little more, and then Tara goes back?"

"But you love her. Or…don't you anymore?" A tiny hint of doubt crept into the girl's voice.

"This has everything to do with loving her. Mainly, I can't risk it."

"What?!" Dawn couldn't believe her ears. "Willow, that's ridiculous!"

"Right. Of course it is. Because we all saw how well I handled losing her the last time," the hacker said sarcastically. "Zipped through the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, torture, oh and let's not forget raising an ancient demonic effigy to destroy the world. Do you really want to see a replay?"

For the first time since she'd stepped into the room, the girl faltered. She had vivid memories of Bad Magic Willow. "You wouldn't do that again, would you?"

"I don't know, Dawn. I'm trying to avoid finding out." Willow sighed. "Gaia knows the last thing I want to do is to hurt Tara, but like it or not, things are different now. I'm not the same carefree, college blessed-be she knew. I can't pretend that there aren't risks and that nothing will happen if I lose control. This time I know that the magic's a part of me. I can't shut it off, and I can't act like it's not there."

"So this is about the magic?" the brunette asked. It had always struck her as ironic, that the magic that had been responsible for drawing the two witches together in the first place had caused them so many problems later on.

"Part of it," Willow nodded. "But to be honest, it's also…if I do this? When she leaves, it'll hurt like the worst thing in the world. It'll be like losing her all over again. Just the thought, right now, of Tara not being in the next room in two weeks is…" She couldn't continue.

They fell silent. Then Dawn slowly sat down next to her. "What did you miss most about Tara?"

"I wouldn't know where to start," Willow answered, wondering where this was going.

"Try?"

The redhead looked at her for a moment. "Okay. The short answer to that is everything. The long answer? Her warmth, compassion, her quirky sense of humor. I think I was the only one who got her insect reflection jokes," she grinned. "How gentle she was, and brave. How we took care of each other, figured spells out together, held hands, kissed, made –" she stopped, blushing.

"Made love," the brunette supplied softly. "It was always about love between the two of you, wasn't it?"

"Always," Willow affirmed. "I miss what we had together. Waking up next to her in the morning, and knowing that my day, happy or sad or plain-jane ordinary, would end with her at night. Small things. How she liked to sit with her legs up if the chair was big enough, or the way she'd stop to watch me work sometimes. Big things. Being absolutely sure that whatever happened, we loved each other. Together things. Would you believe I even miss the disagreements we had? Just…everything," she said again, because that was the only word big enough to fit it all.

Dawn's gaze was distant, introspective. "That's the same way I feel…about my mom. Not the couple-y stuff, but I miss everything, too. The way she was, and the way we were when the three of us were together. The way she made everything seem okay even when they weren't. The way she loved me, even when, technically, I wasn't really -"

The witch held her breath. Opening up about Joyce was something the youngest Summers rarely did. "Stop right there. You are," she insisted firmly. "You so know you are, and thinking otherwise is the one sure thing that's going to make your mom mad, Dawnie."

The girl smiled, knowing that Willow was right. Whatever else had happened, her mother had loved her. "When my mom…died, I felt so lost. The day of her funeral, I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to bear it. When they put her in the ground, I just wanted to fold up next to that huge mound of dirt and cry. When you and Tara took me home, when I was walking between the two of you, with both your arms around me, holding me up…that's what gave me the strength to walk away from Mom's grave that day." She looked at the redhead. "That's what the two of you mean to me."

"Dawnie…" the woman swallowed. She didn't know what to say.

The girl held up her hand, wanting to finish before she lost courage, or died of embarrassment. It was one lesson she had learned early, growing up in Sunnydale, that some things needed and should be said when there was a chance. Because people? They weren't around forever. Sometimes they were taken away, or sometimes they left. "Since then, the two of you never stopped looking out for me. Tara appeared when I was afraid, and you…even when we weren't talking, I knew somehow that if I needed you, you'd come running."

"In an instant," the hacker confirmed.

Dawn smiled, and then flushed as she remembered what followed. "I never apologized for how I was after the funeral. I treated you guys badly. When I tried to do that spell -"

"You were in pain. God knows I understand that." Touched beyond words, Willow cut the apology off. "Really not a shining example here."

"But you are," the girl countered