Seeking Out Normal

by Talula

Copyright © 2004

asifyousaw@gmail.com

Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions. I do this for fun, not for profit.
Distribution:  The Mystic Muse:  http://mysticmuse.net
The End: http://www.asifyousaw.com/fiction/
Anywhere, but ask first
Feedback: Yes please.
Spoilers: Season 5.
Author's Notes: Sequel to Eternal Torment. Read the first two fics in the series or you won't know what's going on. Also, in regards to Angel, none of the Darla/Holtz/Connor stuff happened in my series. Lindsey McDonald also still works for Wolfram & Hart.
Pairing: Willow/Tara

The rain beat down on the windows of the taxi as it drove through the streets of Los Angeles. There was a song she had heard once about the rain in L.A. It was a very melancholy song as far as she remembered. She couldn't quite recall the tune. She just felt it would be appropriate at the moment, even though she couldn't remember much about it. She was feeling melancholy at the moment.

The bus ride had tried her patience. She had never been an angry person. Even in the demon dimension. It was all about survival there. Survival and instinct. But on the bus she had to use all the control she could muster to keep her temper in check. An old man with a thousand stories to tell decided to tell them to her. Eternity in a demon dimension didn't seem that bad when he started talking about his health problems. Thankfully she was only going to Los Angeles and not somewhere further away.

When the taxi pulled up to the hotel, she looked up in awe. The place had a presence, a personality. She could feel the spiritual energy from it before she even got out of the car. She quickly gathered her bags, paid the driver and then jogged through the rain to the door, struggling with her bags. She set them all down, opened the door and was about to grab her bags again when she stopped. She heard the sounds of a fight and looked up immediately.

A man in dark clothes with dark spiked hair was fighting an extremely large and ugly demon. It had four arms, three horns on its head and was about 8 feet tall. When the demon grabbed the man with the spiked hair, a black man charged the demon with a battleaxe. The demon swatted him away easily. Another man with glasses fired a crossbow at the demon, but the arrow just bounced right off of him. The man with the spiked hair was still struggling to get out of the demon's strong grasp as the others' attempts to save him were repeatedly stopped.

Tara knelt down and placed both her hands flat on the ground. Her gaze fell on the demon as the ground shook beneath everyone. The demon released the man with the spiked hair and it turned to her. The earth stopped shaking as she stood, ready to defend herself. But the demon suddenly howled in pain and fell forward directly in front of her, an axe embedded in its back. The man with the spiked hair had flung it at the demon.

"Angel, the horns have to be broken off to kill it," the man with the glasses said to the man with the spiked hair. Angel hurried forward and snapped off all three horns before the demon could recover. There was a flash of blue light as he broke each horn off. Then the demon was dead.

Angel looked up at Tara and then stood quickly. He held his hand out for her to shake it, but pulled it back when he saw it was covered with the demon's blue blood.

"Uh, I'm Angel," he said. "Are you Tara?"

She nodded her head and grabbed her bags. Angel wiped his hands on his pants and took one of the bags. They made their way away from the demon into the lobby. The others started to gather and Tara saw that there were also two women there. She knew all their names. She just wasn't sure who was who, except for Angel.

"You caused that earthquake," Wesley said in realization. Tara nodded her head. "That was very helpful."

"It was no problem," she said shyly. Angel set the bag down and started the introductions, pointing to each person as he said their name.

"Tara, this is Charles Gunn. We just call him Gunn. That's Wesley Wyndham-Price, Cordelia Chase and Winifred Burkle," he said.

"You can call me Fred," Fred said with a smile. "Everybody does."

"So, do things like that happen a lot around here?" Tara asked, gesturing toward the dead demon in the doorway.

"Well, not so often in the actual hotel," Wesley explained. "But we do fight demons on a regular basis."

"We usually track them down, not the other way around," Cordelia continued.

"You probably are tired from the bus ride," Angel said. "We've got a mess to clean up. How about you get settled in? Fred can show you to your room."

Fred grabbed one of Tara's bags and led her up the stairs. She began babbling, as Fred tended to do.

"I think you'll like it here. They're all really nice. I spent five years in Pylea – that's a demon dimension – and when they brought me back they took really good care of me."

Tara followed her down a hallway and into the room that was meant to be hers. Fred switched on the light and turned to Tara. She noticed Tara seemed nervous.

"Angel explained to all of us what happened," Fred said, her tone changing to an understanding one. "I know five years in Pylea doesn't come close to comparing with what you went through, and Angel might be more help to you. But I know what it's like to lose yourself and then have to find yourself again. I'd like to help you any way I can."

"Thank you," Tara said. She sat on the bed and looked around the room. Fred decided it was time for her to exit.

"Well, I'll leave you alone. If you need anything, we're downstairs." She was about to close the door when she stopped and looked back to Tara. "By the way, thanks."

"For what?" Tara asked in confusion. Fred smiled.

"For saving the world."

Tara smiled, nodded her head and watched as Fred closed the door. Then she stood and walked over to the window. She was glad they had given her a room with a window. Unfortunately because of the rain, she couldn't see the moon now. She felt uncomfortable, on edge. Coming into the hotel during a fight hadn't helped that feeling. She turned away from the window and moved over to one of her bags, unzipping it and digging through until she found what she was looking for. Finally her hand closed around the edge of the picture frame and she pulled it out, smiling at the image of her and Willow from her birthday party. She sat cross-legged on the floor at the end of the bed, staring at Willow's smiling face. She just hoped she would see her in person again soon.

The next night after sunset Angel knocked on Tara's door. The others had told him she spent almost the whole day in her room. She only came down for food. He heard her invite him in and he opened the door. She was sitting on the floor by the window. She had removed the bedding from the bed and made herself her own bed by the window.

"Is something wrong with the bed?"

She shook her head, not taking her eyes off the moon. "It's me, not the bed."

"Okay," Angel said. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched her looking at the moon. She was transfixed. "Um, if you're up to it, I'd like to take you to see Lorne."

Finally her eyes left the moon and she turned to him. "Who's Lorne?"

"He's a demon. He can read people," Angel explained. "He owns this bar called Caritas."

"He's a good demon?" Tara asked. Angel nodded his head. "How does he read people?"

"He can't see specifics, but he can give you an idea of what kind of path you have ahead of you," Angel explained. "What you're meant to be or do, those kinds of things." Angel paused, not sure how she would react to one part of the process. "Thing is…you have to sing."

"Sing?" Tara asked, confused.

"Yeah, Lorne can only read you if you're singing," Angel said. "You would have to sing a song for him."

"Sing? In public?" Tara asked, nervous now. She had never been much for any kind of public speaking or performances. Angel nodded his head. "Oh, I-I don't know about that."

"It's not that bad," Angel said, lying a little. "I've done it before, and trust me, I don't have a good singing voice. Actually, we've all done it before."

"But he'll be able to see my future?" Tara asked. She wanted to know what she had ahead of her. The unknown scared her.

"In general," Angel said. He saw the apprehension on her face. "If you wanna wait, that's fine."

Tara looked back to the moon and thought about the future. The sooner she knew what she was up against the better. Stage fright should be the least of her fears. She nodded her head.

"Okay," she said. "I'll go tonight."

When they arrived at Caritas, a green-skinned demon with red horns and hair approached them. He was wearing an electric blue suit with a silk black shirt and matching blue silk tie. He smiled as he spoke with Angel.

"Angel, it's been ages," he said. "What brings you by? Business or pleasure?"

"Business," Angel said. "Lorne, this is Tara Maclay. She'd like you to read her."

Lorne turned to Tara and smiled warmly. He took her by the arm and led her to a table with a binder on it. "No problem. Pick a song, and we'll see what you've got."

Tara nodded her head and started flipping pages, searching for a song she felt she could do a decent job of singing. Lorne and Angel moved over to the bar to talk.

"So, what's her story?" Lorne asked. "You usually don't bring them to me unless it's pretty serious."

"She's cawdr am daear," Angel said. Lorne nodded his head, recognizing the name of Tara's demon species. "Two months ago she saved the world and got sucked into a demon dimension where she spent two hundred years in torment before her friends brought her back."

"She ages well," Lorne said. He knew cawdr am daear weren't immortal and was curious how she could still be alive. "Which dimension was it?"

"Moktar," Angel replied. Lorne glanced over at him in shock. Then he looked back to Tara, surprised that she was as put together as she was.

"Poor thing," he said sympathetically. "She's a strong one though. After two hundred years in Moktar I would expect her to be in a padded room somewhere."

"I was surprised, too," Angel said. "A friend sent her to me, since I have some experience with demon dimensions."

"She's trying to figure out her purpose in life," Lorne said in understanding.

"That and she's trying to find some control," Angel explained. "It might not be obvious, but she's having trouble controlling the urge to kill she acquired in Moktar."

"Understandable," Lorne said. He turned to the bartender, ordered a drink and then returned to the conversation. "Don't worry. Once she starts singing we'll figure out what she's got to look forward to."

The bartender returned with the drink Lorne had ordered and he carried it over to the table where Tara was seated. Lorne sat next to Tara and Angel sat on the opposite side of her. He set the drink in front of her.

"On the house," he said. Tara looked at the drink and was surprised to see it was her favorite drink.

"How'd you know?" she asked him.

"It's a gift," he said with a smile. "Did you find a song?"

"Uh, yeah, I think so," Tara said hesitantly. She showed the song to Lorne and he nodded his head.

"Okay, then. Let's get the show on the road, sweetie," he said. He took her by the hand and led her up to the stage. They waited for a large, yellow-skinned demon to finish singing his own off-key version of "New York, New York." When he was done, Lorne took the microphone as the bar's patrons clapped half-heartedly.

"Wow, folks. I don't know if that was Klarg or Frank Sinatra," Lorne lied, a fake laugh escaping. He pulled Tara forward. "Okay, kids, I'd like to introduce you to Tara Maclay. All the way from Sunnydale, California. Put your hands together."

The patrons clapped sporadically and Lorne handed the microphone over to Tara. She looked extremely nervous as the opening notes of Nina Gordon's "Tonight and the Rest of My Life" began playing. Lorne had just returned to his seat as she began singing. He and Angel exchanged a look of surprise when they heard Tara's voice. Usually the only good singing voice to be heard in Caritas was Lorne's own. But Tara's voice was sweet and melodic. Lorne started to think she sang the song better than the original artist. Angel looked around to see that everybody's attention was on Tara. Usually the bar's patrons would still be chattering or moving about. They were all mesmerized. When she was done, she nearly jumped out of her skin when the bar erupted with applause. She looked around in shock. Someone even whistled loudly. She smiled nervously, put the microphone back in its stand and quickly left the stage. Angel and Lorne were both smiling broadly at her when she returned. Lorne stood and pulled her chair out for her.

"Was I that good?" she asked as the applause started to die down.

"Sweetheart, if even a fourth of the people who sang here had voices like yours, I would run a record company instead of a karaoke bar," Lorne said. He got a thoughtful look on his face. "Caritas Records does have a nice ring to it."

"I don't really like getting up in front of people," she said. "I don't think I'd be very successful."

"Well, I can't say you'll be signing any record deals," Lorne said. "Although if I hadn't just read you, I would strongly suggest that."

"What did you, um, read?" Tara asked, nervous about what Lorne was going to say to her.

"You've got a bumpy road ahead of you, but you know that," Lorne said. "Some of the bumps will be bigger than others. There will be times when you move forward only to move back. You can't let that stop you."

"Lorne, you're sounding like a horoscope," Angel said impatiently.

"That's almost what this is, Angel-cakes," Lorne said sharply. "I'm just calling it as I see it. Do you mind?"

Angel sat back and crossed his arms over his chest. Lorne turned back to Tara.

"What am I…will I get back to normal?" she asked. She looked into her drink, which she hadn't touched yet. "I just want my old life back."

"Sorry, honey, it won't be that simple," Lorne said. "Your friends brought you back because they care about you, but they were all part of the big picture. The Powers That Be have a plan for you. I'm not sure what it is, but you have a reason for being here. A big reason."

"The Powers That Be?" Tara asked in confusion. "You make it sound like I'm a puppet."

"Oh, you still have free will. You can choose to do whatever you want. You could have chosen not to come to Los Angeles," Lorne said. "The Powers have just put you in the position to choose to go their way or a different way."

"Something's going to happen?" Angel asked. Lorne's reading of Tara had turned into more than just a simple reading. The things he was suggesting sounded like they involved more than just Tara.

"Something," Lorne said. "Like I said, I'm not sure what it is."

"How do I know I'm choosing the right way?" Tara asked.

"That's the eternal question, sweetie," Lorne said. He stood, having told her all he could tell her. "You never can know, not until you've chosen."

Tara fidgeted with the straw in her drink, thinking about what Lorne had said. She didn't like the sound of it. She didn't want this. She just wanted to be normal.

"Oh, and she'll keep her promise," Lorne said before he started walking away. Tara looked up, confused. "She'll wait for you."

Once Lorne had left, Tara and Angel sat in silence. Angel just watched Tara, waiting for some kind of reaction. She seemed to be in shock.

"I don't want to be part of a plan," she said finally. Angel nodded his head and leaned forward on the table.

"I know how you feel," he said. "Makes you feel kind of helpless, right?"

She nodded her head and took her first sip of her drink. She looked up at Angel suddenly, fear in her eyes. "I can't do this. I'm not strong. I'm not some special plan person for the Powers That Be. I'm not like you or Buffy."

"I think you're stronger than you think," Angel said reassuringly. "I know I've only known you for about a day, so I don't know a whole lot about you. But I know you saved the world. I know you spent two hundred years in a demon dimension, and you can still form coherent sentences and spend more than two minutes without killing something. That makes you pretty damn strong in my book."

"I came here to get back to normal," she said, her voice shaking. "I didn't come here to find out I was part of some plan."

Angel nodded his head and sat back in his chair. "That's usually how it works."

With the unknown future plan Lorne had informed Tara of, she and Angel decided after a long discussion that she should hone her fighting skills. If there was an evil coming that involved her, she needed to be ready for it. That's why they were in the basement of the hotel, deep in the midst of a sword fight.

"You're dropping your right shoulder," Angel said as he blocked her attack. "I can tell when you're going to make your next move."

She spun and swung at his legs. He jumped over her sword and jabbed toward her. She blocked his attack and kicked him in the stomach, causing him to stumble back.

"Good," he said with a smile. "Now remember to improvise. Don't just follow what you've been taught. Surprise me."

They continued, their swords clashing together quickly and repeatedly. Soon she had Angel backed against the wall. He spun away as her sword clashed on the concrete right where his head had been. She continued attacking, and he was starting to actually feel in danger.

As she fought Angel, she could feel her heart beat faster and her blood become hotter. She felt a pang of rage as her animal instincts started to surge. She tried to stop them, but soon she had no control over what she was doing.

Angel was having trouble blocking her attacks. When he caught sight of her face he was suddenly fearful when he saw the determined and dark look in her eyes. She wasn't training anymore. This was a battle for the kill.

"Tara, let's take a break," he said, countering her thrust.

She didn't stop. She kept on the attack. She spun low, sweeping his legs out from under him. He fell to the floor and barely moved out of the way in time as she jabbed downward with her sword. He jumped to his feet and blocked a left hook, only to cry out in pain as he felt her sword jab into his stomach and exit out through his back. He gagged and stepped backward, Tara's sword sliding out of his body. He fell to his knees, clutching his wound.

Tara stepped back and looked down at the sword. The blood ran down the blade, over the hilt and onto her hands. Her face twisted into one of fear and confusion. Her memory flashed and she heard the screams. Red blood everywhere. The girl's screams. Pleading for her life. Begging to be spared. The sword clattered to the floor and Tara shook her head, crying as she stared at her hands that were covered with Angel's red blood.

"No. God, no. Not again," she said in distress. "Never again. Not the blood."

Angel couldn't stop her as she rushed away from him and up the basement stairs. All he could do was yell after her, weakly.

"Tara!"

In the lobby, the others looked up as Tara came running through. None of them had the chance to say anything as she ran out the door.

"What was that about?" Cordelia asked. She didn't get an answer when they all heard a cry of pain. They looked over to see Angel staggering into the lobby, clutching his stomach wound. "Angel!"

The group rushed over to him, but he shook his head. "Gunn, Fred. Go after Tara. You have to bring her back."

"What happened?" Wesley asked.

"I'll explain later," Angel said. "We have to get her back first. No weapons, though."

"No weapons? It looks like she skewered you," Gunn said. "I don't want her doing that to me."

"She won't," Angel said. "If you don't have a weapon, she won't hurt you."

"Are you sure?" Cordelia asked. "Are you sure of anything she's going to do?"

"Just find her," Angel said to Fred and Gunn. The two of them hurried out of the hotel and turned in the direction they thought Tara went. They couldn't see her anywhere.

"Man, that girl's fast," Gunn said, looking around. "Must be the demon in her."

They walked down the street, trying to figure out where Tara might have gone.

"She probably ducked into a building," Gunn said. "There's no way we're gonna find her."

"Do you hear something?" Fred asked. She turned toward an alley. She heard something, like a voice. She walked down the alley with Gunn following close behind. When they got to a dumpster they found her. She was crouched by the side of the dumpster, crying and staring at her hands, which were covered with blood.

"No more blood. No more. Not again. Not again," she was muttering repeatedly.

"Tara," Fred said. But she didn't respond. "Tara, you have to go back to the hotel with us."

"Not again. No more. Please not again," Tara continued muttering. Fred knelt on the ground in front of Tara and took her hands, ignoring the blood.

"I know you're upset and confused," Fred said. "It's going to be okay."

"I killed her," Tara said.

"Killed who?" Gunn asked.

"The girl. The blood. No more blood."

Gunn and Fred exchanged a confused look. But they couldn't worry about that now. They had to get her back to the hotel.

"Please come back with us," Fred said. Tara shook her head and continued crying and muttering to herself.

"Angel's okay," Gunn said, hoping that would reassure her. "Unless you're stabbing him with sharp pieces of wood or chopping off limbs, you aren't going to do any permanent damage."

"I know you're scared," Fred said. Tara slowly brought her head up and made eye contact with Fred, still crying. "Everything's crazy. You don't know what's going on in your head. You can't control any of it." Tara closed her eyes and lowered her head.

"We're gonna help you. Angel will help you. It's what he does," Gunn said. "But if you run away, you'll never get back to normal."

"I'll never be normal," Tara said quietly, her voice wavering. "Never again."

"You will," Fred said. "We'll help you."

Tara looked at them nervously and then stood. She pulled her hands away from Fred and started walking. Fred and Gunn followed her back to the hotel. When they walked in the lobby they saw Cordelia finishing up with bandaging Angel's wound. She was wrapping gauze around his abdomen. Angel and Cordelia looked up when the others walked in.

"Tara," Angel said, standing and pulling a black button-down shirt on. Tara shook her head and quickly headed up the stairs to go to her room. Angel buttoned his shirt and moved to follow her.

"Angel, do you want us to – " Cordelia began to ask.

"Just wait down here in case she tries to run out again."

When he arrived at Tara's room the door was open a crack. He could hear running water. He pushed the door open and found her at the sink, scrubbing his blood off her hands. A grimace of pain and fear twisted her facial features. She saw him out of the corner of her eye and shut the water off, drying her hands on a towel. She walked past him and sat on the floor by the window, hugging her legs to her chest. She acted as if Angel wasn't there until he knelt on the floor nearby. She didn't say anything. So he did.

"What happened down there?" he asked. "I can understand you losing control in the fight, but when you saw the blood you freaked out. You know I'm a vampire. That kind of a wound won't kill me."

"It had nothing to do with you," Tara said quietly. "It was the blood."

"What about it?"

She hesitated. She looked up to the moon. It wasn't calming tonight. She didn't feel anything could calm her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"The demons I killed…in Moktar…none of them had red blood," she explained. "There was green and black and even white. No red. Only one kill had red blood. My first one."

"If the demons didn't bleed red…" Angel began. Then he realized what she was talking about. "Willow said you told her you only killed demons."

"I told her that. Because when she asked I couldn't remember the details. I didn't remember she was human," Tara said. Her voice wavered and she sniffed back tears. "I don't even remember the girl's name. Or how she got there. I just remember she wanted me to help her. I looked h-human and I could fight. She couldn't fight. She thought she was s-safe with me. I got her to trust me. I was desperate."

"You killed her."

"I tied her down. I-I cut her up. She w-was still alive," Tara said, almost crying too hard to talk. "She watched me cut off h-her arms and legs. She-she screamed so much. I didn't care. I d-didn't…stop. I couldn't…"

She rested her forehead on her knees and wrapped her arms over her head, sobbing uncontrollably. Angel leaned forward and rested his hand on her shoulder. She lifted her head and wiped at her tears.

"I c-can't do this. I can't be part of some higher plan," she said, her voice already hoarse from crying. "I killed her. I-I didn't care. The blood…i-it's everywhere. It's all over me."

Angel looked down at the floor and thought for a moment. "Demon dimensions are horrible places. Things happen that are out of your control." She continued to cry as he spoke. "When I didn't have a soul, I killed hundreds, possibly thousands of people. I know that doesn't make what you did any better. You just need to understand that you're not in Moktar anymore. Moktar doesn't have second chances or redemption. Here we do have those things. I wouldn't be here if we didn't."

"I just can't fight anymore," she said. "I can't fight anything. I just want it to stop."

"You have that choice," Angel said. He stood and backed away slowly. "You can sit here and let your guilt consume you. You can let that girl haunt you forever. Or you can fight. You can let us help you. You're not alone."

He decided he had said all he could say. He turned and left the room, leaving Tara by herself. She leaned against the wall and looked out the window as tears streamed down her cheeks. The girl's face flashed in her mind and she closed her eyes, trying to shut the image out. But it wouldn't go away. It would never go away.

She hadn't left her room for a week since the incident when she stabbed Angel. She couldn't bring herself to leave. The others respectfully left her alone. Angel said they needed to give her time. So they did. They took turns leaving a tray of food by her door, knocking and then leaving without waiting for her to answer. They knew she was still alive by the fact that the trays would be empty when they came back later. She always ate everything. She feared hunger. After what she had been through, she equated hunger with murder. She could never be hungry. It wasn't an option.

Her sleep was filled with nightmares. Or the same nightmare. Her first kill replayed in her mind every night. She killed the girl, devoured her flesh like a vicious animal. Then she was in Sunnydale at Buffy's house. She walked into the bedroom to find Willow asleep. The girl was standing in the corner, just away from the window, hiding in the shadows. She glared at Tara, her eyes bloodshot and haunting. Tara walked over to Willow's sleeping form and pulled out a makeshift knife created from sharpened bone. The girl cast a malicious grin at Tara and nodded her head. Then Tara brought her knife down, stabbing Willow repeatedly.

And she woke up screaming.

Now she stared at the three unopened envelopes on the floor beside her. All three from Willow. The first one had arrived a couple days after she got to Los Angeles. The other two had just come recently. They had arrived days apart. She didn't want to touch them. Every time she thought about Willow she thought about how disgusted and disappointed Willow would be if she found out she had killed a human. The possibility of Willow understanding the extreme circumstances that caused it to happen didn't occur to Tara. She was disgusted with herself, so everybody else had to feel the same way. She was a killer. How could she possibly change? Plus the nightmare. Thinking about Willow made her think about that. She couldn't bear to think about that.

Her eyes were fixed on Willow's handwriting on the front of the envelopes. She had drawn little smiley faces inside the A's in Tara's name. It was a very "Willow" thing to do, Tara thought. She slowly reached forward and picked up the first letter. She stared at it, her hands trembling as she ran her thumb over the return address. Finally she tore the envelope open and unfolded the letter, her eyes running over Willow's familiar script.

She folded the letter and looked out the window. It was late. The moon was hiding behind some clouds. It was going to rain. She could feel it coming. It would be a bad storm. She wondered if they would get it in Sunnydale.

She turned back to the letters and opened the second one. This one she was able to read with a smile. She almost laughed at the part about Willow's head exploding if she failed five classes. That was a very true statement. She was also glad that Willow was finding something to do with herself. Aside from herself and witchcraft, Tara knew school and just learning in general was a major passion of Willow's. She may have grown and evolved into the confident witch that she was now, but deep down, Willow would always have that nerdy personality from high school. It was just another layer of the Willow Tara loved. She loved nerdy Willow and witchy Willow and weird and neurotic Willow. She loved all of Willow.

When she began reading the third letter her smile changed to a frown as she read about Willow's worry.

"Yes, yes and not sure," Tara muttered when she read those questions. She didn't want Willow to worry, but there was nothing she could do about that. All she could do was worry about herself.

Tara read that and remembered what Lorne had said.

"She'll keep her promise. She'll wait for you."

She folded the letter again and leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes. How long would Willow have to wait? Even if she could summon up some kind of courage or something in order to leave the room, she still had so many inner demons to deal with and the possibility of being part of some big plan with the Powers That Be. Would Willow's wait be worth it? Was she even capable of being the same person Willow loved? She wasn't sure. But the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to be. She didn't want to be afraid anymore. She didn't want to rot alone in a hotel room. She wanted to be Tara Maclay again.

Forever yours, Willow

Tara looked out the window and saw the moon poking out from behind the clouds. She picked up Willow's letters and stood. A storm was coming, but she wouldn't be afraid of it.

She hit the send button and stared at the computer screen, letting her mind wander. She had promised Willow she would explain, but where would she start? How could she possibly explain the murder she committed? Even though she had found enough courage to leave her room, she didn't know if she had found enough to take the next step. She wasn't even sure what the next step was. She knew she had to get control of the instinct to kill that boiled up inside of her at any given moment. But she wasn't sure if she had time for that. She had no idea what kind of plan the Powers That Be had for her. Was something going to happen soon? She hoped not. She wasn't ready for that. She wasn't sure if she was ready for anything. It had been hard enough to work up the nerve to e-mail Willow.

When she finally stood she noticed that Cordelia jumped slightly and looked up, as if she had been startled. That's when Tara realized Cordelia was nervous, and possibly frightened, being around her. She didn't blame her. After what she had done to Angel, they all had the right to be afraid. She had snapped. It could happen again. She feared that it would happen again. That's why she had emerged from her room, to keep it from happening again.

"Where is everybody?" Tara asked as she walked toward Cordelia, who put down the magazine she had been reading. Fred emerged from another room at that moment.

"Off chasing one of Cordy's visions," Fred said with a smile. "Another big nasty demon to fight."

"You have visions?" Tara asked, confused. "Because from what Willow told me about you..."

"Oh, I didn't have them before I came to LA," Cordelia explained. "Nope. The brain-splitting visions were a lovely gift from the Powers That Be a couple years ago."

"So, they've got a plan for you, too," Tara said with a smirk. It appeared that they all were part of the PTB's master plan.

"Not so much a plan as a seething hatred, I think," Cordelia joked.

"Hatred?" Tara asked, and then the 'brain-splitting' comment Cordelia had made sunk in. "The visions hurt."

"Only in a 'make my ears bleed' sorta way," Cordelia said. Tara simply nodded her head. "I'm sorry about being kinda jumpy. I'm not afraid to be around you. It's just..."

"No, you're right to be afraid," Tara said. She offered a small smile. "I'm afraid to be around me."

They all remained in awkward silence for a moment until Fred decided somebody needed to say something. "So, uh, how are you doing?"

"Better, I think," Tara replied quietly. "I've done the 'lock myself in my room' thing. Thought I'd try something different."

Cordelia stood and offered a smile. "Being a hermit is highly over..."

But she stopped short and Fred immediately stepped forward to ease her fall to the floor when she noticed the telltale signs of a vision. Tara just watched in confusion as Cordelia grabbed her head and twisted in pain.

"Vampires," Cordelia said breathlessly as the vision ended. Fred helped her up into a chair as she continued to describe the vision. "A lot of them. Attacking a couple teenagers."

"Two visions in one night? Are the Powers trying to keep us busy?" Fred asked.

"I think they're trying to make my brain fall out of my head," Cordelia said sarcastically.

"We should call Angel," Fred said.

"He doesn't answer his cell phone," Cordelia said. "I don't even know why he has it."

"We could call Wesley or Charles," Fred said.

"There's no time for that," Cordelia said. She stood shakily and headed over to the weapons cabinet. "We'll have to go."

"Us? We can't fight a bunch of vampires," Fred said in alarm.

"Well, we can't let those kids become vamp food either," Cordelia said.

"Are you sure you can handle that?" Tara asked, observing how pale Cordelia looked. "You look like you're going to throw up."

"I'll be fine by the time we get there," Cordelia said. She grabbed a battleaxe with a pointed wooden handle and held it out to Tara, who looked alarmed at what she was suggesting. "You're our best bet of getting those kids out of there."

"I-I don't think..." Tara trailed off. She wasn't ready for a fight. She could lose control again. It was almost a certainty as far as she believed. But she couldn't let Fred and Cordelia go alone. No matter how determined Cordelia was to save the teenagers in her vision, she and Fred would certainly die trying. She couldn't let that happen, no matter what. She took the axe and nodded her head.

"Fred, you drive," Cordelia said. Fred grabbed the keys to Gunn's truck and the three of them headed out of the hotel, determined to stop Cordelia's vision.

When they arrived to the location, Cordelia took command of the group. "Fred, you get the kids out. Tara and I will distract the vamps. If we can't dust them, hopefully we can hold them off long enough to get the hell out of here."

They were in a dark alley. So far there was no sign of the vampires. Fred stopped the truck when Cordelia signaled for her to do so. Then the three of them climbed out. Fred left the headlights on. Soon a teenage girl and boy came running around the corner. They stopped short when two vampires jumped down from the fire escape of one of the buildings, landing directly between the teens and the three women there to save them. Three more vampires were behind the teens. The vampires' frightened prey huddled together. But then all the vampires looked startled as an arrow punched through the chest of one of their own. He quickly turned to dust and they all turned to see Cordelia standing there with the crossbow.

"Anybody else want to fit in an ash tray?" she asked with a smirk.

"Oh look, it's Charlie's Angels," one of the vampires said with a sinister grin.

Then he and his compatriots leapt through the air toward the three women. The battle began and soon the vampires saw their efforts needed to be concentrated on Tara, who was a lot stronger than she looked. Three of the vampires fought with her while the fourth fought with Cordelia. The plan had worked well enough. Fred hurried over to the teens and got them into the truck. Then she went to help Cordelia.

The vampire was using the crossbow to pin Cordelia's arms to her side as he moved in to bite her neck. He stopped when a baseball bat whacked him across the head. He looked over to see Fred on the other end of that bat, looking both courageous and frightened at the same time, if that was possible. It distracted him long enough for Cordelia to twist out of his grasp and kick him in the stomach. Then she and Fred charged the vamp, grabbing his arms and pushing him backward with all of their strength until they impaled him on one of the sharpened wooden planks attached to the hood of the truck. He disintegrated into dust and they took a brief moment to catch their breath before they turned to help Tara.

Cordelia had to jump out of the way when one of the three remaining vampires flew backward and disappeared as the other wooden plank turned him to dust. She and Fred were amazed to find that Tara didn't appear to need any help. She ran up the brick wall of one of the buildings a couple feet before she pushed herself off the wall and did a spin kick, catching both vampires across the jaw. She swung at one of the vampires with the axe but he ducked out of the way and grabbed the axe, pulling it from her hands. The second vampire grabbed her from behind, pinning her arms down. She jumped, kicking the vampire with the axe in the chest and using that as momentum to flip over the vampire behind her. He turned just in time to see as she shoved a stake in his chest. The other vampire swung at her with the axe, but she easily took it away from him. She crosschecked him across the chest, knocking him to the ground. Then she knelt down, thrusting the pointed wooden handle of the axe into his heart. The last vampire was nothing but a dusty layer on the ground in the alley.

Tara didn't move from her kneeling position. She gripped the handle of the axe tightly, her eyes closed as she tried to get a hold of herself. The fight had done exactly what she had expected it to do. It caused the animal instincts to resurface. She heard a couple footsteps and knew Cordelia and Fred were approaching her.

"Stay back," she said, not wanting to hurt them. She was on the edge between keeping control and losing it. She didn't even open her eyes to see their reactions to her warning. She was breathing heavily, the adrenaline rushing and her blood boiling with the urge to kill. She trembled from the frenzy she felt rising within herself.

"Tara?" Fred asked, concerned that something bad was about to happen.

"I said stay back!" Tara shouted harshly. Her voice resonated in the alley and the brick walls of the buildings behind her exploded as her magical powers surged outward. Cordelia and Fred were thrown off their feet as bricks littered the alleyway and dust showered down on them. They coughed and waved the dust away from their faces as they looked over to Tara. Her position hadn't changed. They stood and looked back to the truck to find the two teens staring fearfully through the windshield. Tara didn't move for several minutes. So they waited.

Finally after at least ten minutes she lifted her head and looked at them, an expression of exhaustion on her face. She stood, dragged the axe as she walked and then let it drop by Cordelia's feet. Without a word she walked past them and climbed into the back of the truck, sitting in the back corner of the truck bed and hugging her legs to her chest. Fred and Cordelia watched all this in awe and confusion. But then they remembered the teens sitting in the truck and knew they had to get back to the hotel. They had a lot of explaining to do.

Clark Reynolds walked swiftly through the halls, the flourescent lights doing nothing to accentuate his well-tanned skin. His well-polished shoes squeaked as he walked. When he arrived at the double-doors to the office he tugged on his black suit jacket and slicked back his dark brown hair before he knocked on the door.

"Come in," a male voice called from the other side. He pushed through the doors and summoned up all his courage when he saw the man and woman sitting in the office.

"Sir, the Rakan twins escaped," he announced when he saw the expectant looks on their faces.

"And how did that happen?" Lindsey asked, an annoyed look spreading over his features.

"They were rescued by Angel's people," he replied.

"Angel. How did he know?" Lindsey asked.

"Cordelia must have had a vision," Lilah said, shaking her head at the fact that Lindsey didn't think of that right away. "So she sent the dark knight out to save the kiddies."

"Angel didn't save them," Clark interrupted. The two looked over to him in confusion. "Three women. Chase, Birkle and a new woman. Blonde, same age as Chase. She took out three vampires on her own. She fought skillfully, like a demon."

"Or like a slayer," Lindsey said. This certainly put a dent in things. It was Lilah's turn to not figure out the obvious. "Blonde? Same age as Chase? Fought skillfully? Who else could it be?"

"What's the slayer doing in LA?" Lilah asked. She noticed the manila envelope that Clark was holding and held her hand out. "That better be pictures."

Clark handed over the envelope and nodded his head as Lindsey stood to look over Lilah's shoulder. "Surveillance just pulled those fifteen minutes ago."

They looked at the pictures and their eyes widened, their curiosity piqued.

"That's not Buffy Summers," Lilah said with a smirk.

"We've got a new player in the game," Lindsey said. He smiled at the image of Tara, studying her face. "I think one of us should pay Angel Investigations a visit."

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Gunn asked angrily. He stepped forward, glaring at Fred and Cordelia. Angel placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Let me handle this," he said. Then he turned to Fred and Cordelia. "What the hell were you thinking? You all could've been killed."

"You should have called us," Wesley added.

"By the time we called you and you got to the place that I described to you, those two would've been dead," Cordelia said, gesturing toward the lobby. The boy and girl were sitting next to each other on one of the sofas. Tara sat on the one across from them, staring at the floor. "We made it out alive. Tara helped us."

"Tara was nowhere near ready for that," Angel said. "She barely has control of herself as it is. The last thing she needs is to fight a bunch of vampires."

"But she did have control," Fred said.

"You said she blew up the buildings," Gunn said.

"Well, yeah, but that was just a small side effect," she replied. Gunn raised an eyebrow. "I could tell when the vamps were dusted that she was working to keep control of herself. She stopped herself from going over the edge."

"You all took a huge risk," Wesley said. He looked out at Tara. "I'm sure the only reason she even went along was probably because she knew if you went without her you would face certain death."

"Only problem is that if she hadn't kept control she could've been the one to kill you two instead of the vampires," Angel said. He focused on Cordelia. "I don't care where I am, Cordy. If you have a vision, you call me first. None of this G.I. Jane stuff."

Cordelia nodded her head and looked out to the lobby. "What about those two?"

"Standard vampire attack," Wesley said. "We should probably take them home and call it a night."

In the lobby the two teens were looking around nervously. Nobody was saying anything. The boy's gaze fell on Tara. She had been completely silent the whole time. He couldn't get over how amazingly she had fought those guys who had attacked them. He'd never seen a girl so strong. But something about her told him she was having trouble staying strong.

"My name's Toshi Rakan," he said. Tara looked up, surprised at the break in silence. "This is my sister, Tomi."

She stared at him for a moment and then looked back down at the floor. "Tara."

"So, what you did back in that alley…" Tomi began. "You saved our lives."

"How did you do what you did?" Toshi asked. "Not just the fighting. You…you blew up the buildings…or something."

"It's a really long story," Tara said quietly. She looked over when Angel and the others returned to the lobby.

"Where do you two live?" Angel asked. "We can take you home."

"You're not even going to explain anything that happened?" Tomi asked. "I mean, those guys, or whatever they were, turned to dust. How did that happen? And who are you people?"

"We, uh, help people…who need help," Angel said. He didn't feel they needed to get into all the details. "I'm Angel. This is Fred, Gunn, Wesley, Cordelia and Tara."

"And those guys turning to dust?" Toshi asked.

"They were…" Wesley paused, shooting glances at the others, "…vampires. All five of them."

Toshi and Tomi looked at each other. They looked surprised, but it wasn't a 'these people are insane' kind of surprise. It was more like they knew that's what Wesley was going to say, and were feeling a disappointed kind of surprise.

"Five vampires," Toshi said. He exchanged a look with Tomi. "Dad was right."

Tomi said nothing and it was the Angel Investigations team's turn to be confused. "Your dad was right about what?" Fred asked.

Toshi hesitated and Tomi was giving a look that said 'don't tell them' but he began explaining anyway. "Our dad was sort of a…a seer."

"He knew the future," Angel said. Toshi nodded his head.

"He didn't know everything that would happen in the future, but he new about certain events," Toshi continued to explain. "He warned us about tonight."

"He knew you would be attacked by five vampires?" Cordelia asked. "When did he tell you this?"

"It was two years ago," Tomi answered. "Right before he died. He didn't know what day this would happen, but he told us that five men who are not men, living dead, would come for us."

"They would bring us before our enemy where we would face a choice," Toshi continued. "Ally ourselves with evil or face death under the power of the wolf, the ram – "

"And the hart," Wesley completed the sentence. He exchanged a knowing glance with Angel.

"How'd you know?" Tomi asked.

"I guess this wasn't a standard vamp attack after all," Gunn said.

Wesley turned to Tomi and Toshi wearing a grim expression. "Your enemy is our enemy."

Once they had explained everything they knew about Wolfram & Hart to the twins and Tara, the Angel Investigations group began working on figuring out why the evil law firm would want these two teenagers. After getting a few vital details, they let the teens get some rest in one of the hotel's rooms. Angel had noticed how exhausted Tara looked and suggested she get some rest as well, but she had insisted on helping with the research. She said it made her feel normal.

After sunrise, Angel had retired to his own room for the day. Fred, Gunn and Cordelia had all fallen asleep on top of their research. Wesley sat at the desk in Angel's office, going over some texts, while Tara sat on one of the sofas in the lobby with a laptop, attempting to put some of the research skills she had learned from Willow to work. She looked up when she heard the click of heels on the tile.

A woman, whom Tara guessed was in her mid to late thirties, stood nearby. She had wavy, shoulder-length brown hair and was dressed in an expensive business suit. She smiled at Tara, but she didn't speak.

"Can I help you?" Tara asked, slightly disturbed by the woman's silence.

"My name's Lilah Morgan. I'm an...associate of Angel's," she replied.

"Oh, he-he's not available," Tara said, wary of the woman. She didn't like the vibes she was getting off of her. She doubted that she was any kind of associate of Angel's.

"Well, I could talk to you," Lilah said. She sat on the arm of the sofa across from Tara. "You're new around here?"

"Yeah," Tara said. The more she talked to this woman, the more she distrusted her.

"How'd you meet Angel?"

"Step away from her, Lilah."

They both looked over when Wesley spoke. He stepped around the front desk and walked toward the center of the lobby. Lilah stood and smiled.

"Step away from her, or things may get violent," he warned again.

"Why, you wouldn't hurt me, Wes," Lilah said with a smirk.

"I wasn't talking about me."

Lilah chuckled and turned to Tara. "Her? She looks as harmless as a kitten."

"You'd be surprised," Tara said in a low tone, glaring at Lilah.

"Oh, I've already been pleasantly surprised, Tara," she said. The other two were momentarily surprised that Lilah knew her name, but then Wesley remembered who they were dealing with. "Tara Maclay. Daughter of William and Olivia Maclay. Born November 7, 1980 in Salt Lake City, Utah. One brother named Donny. Should I continue?"

"If you wish to continue to astound us with your ability to memorize public records, feel free to do so," Wesley said sarcastically. "Or you could illuminate us with your reason for being here."

"Just keeping up with the changes at Angel Investigations," Lilah said. She walked away from Tara toward Wesley. "Angel seems to pick up a new face around here every week. What's her story?"

"Don't you know already?" Wesley asked snidely. Lilah shook her head.

"You'd think I would, but honestly, I don't," she said. "I'm going to have to get on our research department about that."

"You do that," Wesley said. "It will force you to leave here."

"I've seen her fight, Wes," Lilah said. She turned to Tara. "Plus that exploding thing you did with the buildings, whatever that was. Power like that isn't going to go unnoticed. Just thought I'd introduce myself because you'll be seeing more of me."

"I'm thrilled," Tara said sarcastically. Lilah smiled, turned and walked out. Tara turned to Wesley. "Wolfram & Hart?"

Wesley nodded his head and sighed as he looked toward the doors Lilah had walked out of. "Wolfram & Hart."

After sunset they were all gathered in the lobby of the hotel, prepared to hear what they had discovered through the research. Wesley, of course, had the most information to give. So they all turned to him. He turned to the Rakan twins.

"Do you two know much about your ancestry?" he asked. They shook their heads.

"Not a whole lot," Toshi said. "Our dad's parents died in World War II and he was taken in by a Japanese-American family. He grew up in Florida."

"Our mom was born in San Francisco, and that's where her parents live. She died when we were little," Tomi continued.

"And Rakan was your father's given surname?" Wesley asked.

"Yeah. Why?" Tomi asked.

"Rakan is the Japanese term for the saints of Buddha, some of whom are said to possess powers of precognition," he explained. "One in particular, a warrior for the Powers That Be named Shi-Ryo, was said to possess the knowledge of all future events. He was killed in battle, but he proclaimed that his power would be passed down through the generations. After a while, the power went dormant for lack of use by those who possessed it."

"Until it got to your father," Tara said. While Wesley had focused on ancient texts, she had traced the Rakan twins' genealogy. "You're direct descendants of Shi-Ryo."

"Wolfram & Hart is interested in the power you possess," Wesley continued. "Right now it's too weak. If you've experienced it at all, it probably felt like deja vu. If they can get you to truly harness your power, they could be very dangerous."

"So Wolfram & Hart wants them in order to know the future," Gunn said. "Don't they have their own guys for that?"

"None who could predict the future in such detail," Wesley replied.

"Is there something in particular that Wolfram & Hart wants to know?" Cordelia asked. "There's gotta be."

"What about Shanshu?" Fred asked. The others – except Tara and the twins – looked to her, surprised they hadn't thought of that immediately. "They might want them because of that."

"What's Shanshu?" Tara asked.

"It's a part of the Prophecies of Aberjian," Wesley replied. The name of the prophecies meant nothing to Tara or the twins, so he didn't wait for them to possibly recognize it. "Without getting into specifics, it basically states that a vampire with a soul shall be the champion for the Powers That Be. Once that vampire's destiny is fulfilled, he shall become human."

"It's about Angel," Tara said.

"How does he fulfill his destiny?" Toshi asked.

"Fight countless evils and stop numerous apocalypses until the Powers decide they're done with me," Angel said in a nonchalant tone.

"And Wolfram & Hart doesn't want any of that to happen," Tara guessed.

"Pretty much," Cordelia replied. "So, if they descended from this Shi-whatever guy and they have all knowledge of future events, they would know everything that Angel has to face and how long it will take for him to become human."

"I believe so," Wesley said. "In Wolfram & Hart's hands that could be very dangerous."

"But in ours that could be pretty damn cool," Gunn said. They all looked to Angel, wondering what he thought of the prospect of knowing exactly what his future held. His facial expression gave nothing away.

"Yeah," Angel said. "That'd be nice."

The wipers swept rhythmically across the windshield of Angel's car as he drove. Not sure where to start, Angel felt it best that the first step in figuring out how to develop the twins' psychic abilities was to take them to someone who already possessed psychic abilities. So he drove them to Caritas through the rain. Tara had chosen to accompany them. She was exhausted, but she was afraid to sleep. If she slept, she would see the girl again. She'd be right back where she started.

They got out of the car and hurried through the rain toward the club, but they stopped short when three men stepped out of the shadows in front of them. They all wore suits, one of them more expensive than the other two. They turned to see three more men step behind them.

"Hello, Lindsey," Angel said. "How's the junior partnership treating you?"

"I've got no complaints," the man in the more expensive suit said.

"Wolfram & Hart?" Tara asked quietly of Angel. He nodded his head. The twins huddled close together, their eyes darting from one man to the next. Tara put herself between the twins and the three men behind them while Angel kept himself between the twins and Lindsey.

"I'd love to catch up on old times, Angel, but I'm really pressed for time," Lindsey said. He gestured and the five other men attacked. One of the men that had been by Lindsey swung at Angel with a knight stick and Angel blocked it with his arm while kicking the other man in the stomach. Tara did a roundhouse, catching two of the men in the jaw. The third was going for the twins. Tara turned and grabbed him by the arm, spinning and sending him crashing against the wall.

Suddenly she screamed as electricity surged through her body. She fell to her knees, stunned by the taser blast. She turned, pulled the taser barbs out of her back and yanked on the wires, pulling the owner of the taser into her fist. He fell to the ground, but she screamed again as another taser blast hit her. This time she fell unconscious.

"Tara!" Angel shouted. The two men he was fighting had hold of his arms. He quickly pulled forward, smashing the two men into each other. Angel jumped and tackled one of the men who was starting to tie Tara's wrists together behind her back. He heard a scream and turned to see the twins struggling as two of the men dragged them toward a van. Angel threw the man he had tackled, sending him crashing into the remaining two who weren't holding the twins. He hurried over to Tara and stood between her and the men. He surveyed the situation and knew his chances of protecting Tara and getting the twins back were very slim. He wasn't sure what to do. But Lindsey chose for him.

"We got what we came for," Lindsey said to the others. "Let's go."

The men retreated to the van and Angel watched helplessly as Lindsey walked away, a smug smile spread across his face. He swore under his breath as the taillights of the van retreated down the alley and around the corner. Then he lifted Tara in his arms and carried her back to the car in order to break the bad news to everyone else. Wolfram & Hart had won this round.

"You were supposed to bring the whole girl back, not just a few drops of her blood on some taser barbs," Lilah said in annoyance. They were standing outside the firm's science department, awaiting news on some test results.

"I think I did well considering," Lindsey said. "The twins were the priority anyway. Tara was just an extra."

"The senior partners were pretty clear about what they wanted," Lilah said. "And the twins aren't cooperating."

"What did you expect? They spent the night with Angel Investigations," Lindsey said. "We're the big bad lawyers now."

"The vampires probably didn't help either," she said. "Whose idea was that anyway?"

"Tactical Department. I think the guy's name was Terry," he replied. "He was terminated last night."

"Oh right, Terry," she said in realization. She knew the word 'terminated' meant more than just losing a job in their world. "Too bad. I kinda liked him."

Their conversation was interrupted when a man in a lab coat joined them. The nametag on his coat indicated he was J. Kellerman. Lindsey looked to him impatiently.

"Is it enough?" he asked. "Is that enough blood?"

"It's enough. Barely," Kellerman replied. "We should be okay as long as the first trial works."

"We'll get more if you need it," Lindsey said. Lilah shot him a look of disbelief. "I'll figure out a way."

Kellerman just stood there and Lilah looked to him. "Well, what are you waiting for? The senior partners consider this project of urgent importance."

He nodded his head and retreated back to the lab. The two of them turned and headed down the hall. Lindsey grumbled under his breath, "This better work."

Tara sat cross-legged on a sofa in the lobby with her eyes closed. Angel looked over to her with concern. He wasn't sure what she was doing, but once they had returned and changed out of their rain-soaked clothes, she had remained like that the whole time. He guessed she was meditating. He didn't really know. He couldn't worry about it at the moment.

"They tried to take Tara, too," he explained to the others. "I'm not sure why."

"Lilah was here earlier today," Wesley said. "She said she just wanted to keep track of the new faces around here. She already knew Tara was here and who she was. Chances are they may have figured out more about Tara than what's in public record."

"We can worry about that part later," Angel said. "We need to figure out how to get the twins back."

"We can't just storm the fortress," Gunn said. "This is Wolfram & Hart we're talking about. We need a bigger army than just us."

"They've got those shamans that detect when a demon enters the building," Cordelia said. "Angel can't even go in there."

"Is there maybe a magical way to get in or a way to block the shamans from detecting Angel?" Fred asked. "Like some kind of invisibility thing or something?"

"It's too late." They were all surprised when Tara spoke. They looked over to her and saw the expression of sadness on her face. Her voice wavered as she spoke. "Tomi and Toshi are dead."

"How do you know?" Cordelia asked.

"I can sense it, with my power," Tara explained. "I could sense their living energies. Now I can't. They wouldn't cooperate."

"Well, Lindsey didn't waste any time with second chances," Gunn said. "He must've asked them once and just executed them."

"Swell guy," Fred said grimly.

They all remained in silence for a while. Tara stared at the floor, blinking back tears. She felt like she could have done more. She felt like she should have been able to stop those men from taking the twins. Now she had more blood on her hands. She didn't kill the twins, but she felt like she had. By not saving them, she had killed them. She jumped when Angel rested his hand on her shoulder.

"There's nothing more either of us could have done," he said when she looked up at him. Although he didn't look like he believed that.

"I'm just sick of all the death," she said, her voice cracking as she spoke. "I'm sick of it."

She ran her hand through her hair and then rested her head in her hands, crying silent tears. The others looked to her worriedly.

"Tara, you're injured and you haven't slept for over 24 hours," Wesley said, his concern evident. "You should really get some rest."

Tara shook her head and looked to Angel, sniffing back tears. "Those twins…they were important. More important than me."

Angel knew she meant he should've sacrificed her to save the twins. He shook his head. "We don't know that they were. The Powers have a plan for you. Possibly as much of a plan as they have for me."

"Wolfram & Hart getting their hands on you could've been even more dangerous than getting their hands on the twins," Wesley said. He paused and looked down at the floor. "At least now we know the future is safe from the enemy."

Tara looked up at him suddenly in shock. "Because the twins are dead."

"It's an ugly business we're in, but – "

"It's an ugly business you're in," Tara said angrily, interrupting Wesley and standing from the sofa. "I don't wanna be a part of this business. I came here to get better. If I wanted to fight evil, I would've stayed in Sunnydale." She shook her head. "I should've stayed in Sunnydale."

She walked off, not allowing any of them to say another word. They all stood in silence, not sure where to go from here. So Cordelia made a decision. She left the lobby and followed Tara. When she arrived at Tara's room she found her packing. Tara looked up briefly when Cordelia stepped through the door.

"Can we talk?" she asked.

"You're asking to be polite," Tara said as she continued packing.

"Okay, yeah, I am," Cordelia admitted. She sighed. "I know you're upset and freaked out and scared."

Tara stopped packing and just stood there silently. Cordelia walked over and sat on the bed.

"I'm sure if Willow told you anything about me, she told you how self-involved and shallow I was in high school. I thought I was so special, when I was really nobody special," she began. She paused and smiled. "When I first started getting the visions, I was scared. Then I was pissed off. I came to LA to be an actress. I didn't want to be some tool the Powers used to get messages to Angel." She waited for some kind of response. Tara remained silent. "But I realized I'm more important than the person I've been my whole life. I'm part of something so huge that…well, being an actress doesn't mean much to me anymore."

Tara finally made eye contact with her, staying silent. Cordelia could tell how conflicted she was just by looking in her eyes. Tara didn't know what to do.

"I'm not trying to guilt you into staying," she said. She stood and backed toward the door. "I just wanted to remind you that everything that happens isn't for nothing."

She grabbed the doorknob and was about to leave when she turned back. "Oh, and whether you stay or go, you really should get some sleep first. You look like hell."

Tara smiled and shook her head. That sounded like the Cordelia that Willow had told her about. She watched as she left the room, and Tara sat on the bed. Her thoughts returned to the night this whole mess started, the night she had saved the world. She had been fairly certain she would die that night. She thought that would be it. She saved the world and that was the end. That was her purpose.

Coming back, all she cared about was being the person she was before. She remembered the night she had truly met Willow. She had seen her in Wicca group, but when they truly met, she had felt complete. She had been running for her life and suddenly there was Willow. She had never thought that night would've led up to where she was now. She had changed so much. She could never be who she was before. She could only be who she was now.

She laid back on the bed and closed her eyes, but a voice startled her and caused her to roll off the bed. She knelt on the floor and looked across the room. Her eyes widened in fear and she backed up until she was crouching in the corner, staring at the owner of the voice.

"Who you are now," the girl said. Her skin was grey and cracked, her hair thin and dry. She looked like the embodiment of death. The only color of life in her was her bloodshot eyes. "A killer. Blood on your hands. My blood from when you devoured me. Hacked me into little pieces."

"No no no," Tara said repeatedly. She couldn't take her eyes off the girl. All she could stare fearfully at her.

"More blood on your hands. The twins are dead," the girl said. She walked toward Tara and it became visible that she was holding a knife made of bone. It had blood stains on it. "You create death. You bring it wherever you go. You are death."

"No!" Tara shouted at her angrily as tears stung her eyes. The girl smiled and lashed out with the knife, in Tara's mind striking her arm and creating a deep cut on her left arm. Tara cried out and immediately covered the "wound" with her right hand. She whimpered, "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry," the girl said. Her voice changed and mimicked Tara's. "Sorry for killing you. Sorry for chopping your limbs off while you were alive. Sorry for making you my dinner. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry."

"Stop it! Stop!" Tara cried out. She jumped to her feet and charged at the girl, only to pass right through her and crash into the dresser. All the items on the top of the dresser fell to the floor and Tara's fist cracked the mirror at the bottom corner. The glass cut her hand and blood began to run down the back to her wrist. She turned and looked at the girl again. She was standing beside the bed, shooting a fearsome grin at her. Tara shook her head and charged again, this time crashing into the bedside table. The only item on the table – the framed picture of her and Willow – fell to the floor, the glass breaking in the frame.

She looked down at it. The break in the glass began directly over her face and the cracks radiated outward like a sunburst, stretching across Willow's smiling image. She reached forward with trembling hands and picked up the frame, carefully opening the back and removing the picture.

"Death comes to all you touch," the girl said. "Her too."

"But not because of me," Tara said as she dropped the empty picture frame and stared at the picture. She crawled over to her bed by the window. She diverted her eyes from the picture only for a moment to glare at the girl. "Not because of me. Never because of me."

"Always because of you," the girl said. Tara curled up on her side, turning her back to the girl. She placed the picture beside her on the floor. She closed her eyes tight and did everything she could to ignore the girl as she fell into a fitful sleep. "Always because of you."

The girl smiled and watched her try to escape from herself.

She awoke with sunlight streaming in across her face. She opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was Willow's smiling face in the picture. It was a good thing to wake up to.

Then she looked around, seeing the aftermath of the episode she had experienced the previous night. She looked down at her hand and saw the back of it was covered with dried blood. Her bags were still half-packed on the bed. She still had a decision to make. So she began cleaning up the mess, starting with her hand.

When she walked down the stairs to the ground floor of the hotel, Fred and Gunn were surprised to see she wasn't carrying any bags. She walked directly toward the office where Wesley and Cordelia were researching.

"What happened to your hand?" Gunn asked, noticing the bandage on her right hand.

"Punched a mirror," she said.

"Oh," Gunn said, as if it was something everybody did all the time. He watched her walk past into the office.

"Why am I here?" she asked. Cordelia and Wesley were startled and looked up.

"In Los Angeles?" Cordelia asked. Tara shook her head.

"Why did the Powers bring me here?" she asked. "Why did they manipulate my friends into bringing me back here? I want to know. I need to know."

Wesley nodded his head. "You will know. We'll find out why." He fumbled through some of the books in front of him on the desk, chose one and handed it to her. She took it and sat in a nearby chair. Cordelia and Wesley returned to their research, trying to find out Tara's plan.

The End

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