A New Start by Sibling

Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Buffy & Co. belong to Hellgod Joss Whedon and his minions, Mutant Enemy, Fox Television, etc.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse http://mysticmuse.net
You can use it, but please let me know first.
Feedback: Much welcomed.
Spoilers: Season 5.
Pairing: Buffy/Xander

Summary: Things ended just slightly differently in the last battle with Glory, and one of the Scoobies is left broken.

Huh. Wonder who it could be. Can't be Angel, it's not his usual day, and whenever he shows up, it's always, "Collins, your boyfriend's here!" My boyfriend. Yeah, right. As if he'd ever look at me that way after what I did to him and...

I put down the book I've been reading – some philosophical thing my counselor said might help me work out my "issues." She's full of crap, but the book's actually pretty good. Not the deep mumbo-jumbo, but the places this guy went in search of "enlightenment" and "fulfillment" sound wicked awesome. It would be great to be able to see them when I get out.

If they'd ever let a paroled killer leave the state, much less the country, that is.

I follow the guard down the hall to the visitor's room, and I nearly have a heart attack as I see who's waiting on the other side of the Plexiglass.

"B." I want to dish out the usual tough-girl lines, "How's it hangin'?" or something like that, but I just don't have the energy. Doesn't sound like she does, either.

Then I remember what Angel told me a while back. "I heard about your mom. For what it's worth...I'm sorry." And I am. Joyce was decent to me...before. And that time I had her tied up, she had some kinda guts, even when she thought I was gonna rip 'em out and show 'em to her.

One more reason B ticked me off so much – she won the Mom lottery, big time, and she never seemed to appreciate it.

Only I think she did, 'cause her eyes get all misty, and she murmurs, "Thank you." Then she looks right at me, and says, "But that's not why I'm here. I need...I need your help."

I blink in surprise. B askin' me for something? This has to be a joke. What's next, Wesley the Weasel coming to tell me he's gonna be my Watcher again, or Red sayin' she's got the hots for me?

I guess she can tell what I'm thinking, 'cause she continues, "Please, Faith. I...I have a story to tell you. You see..." and she reaches for her left hand, where I see a little silver ring on her finger. And she pulls it off, and her face changes.

Her hair is still blond, but it's a little different. And her face is longer and thinner, and her nose is straight, and her eyes are darker.

And her voice is lower, and almost husky, as she says, "I'm not quite me anymore."

Apparantly, some Hellbitch came after her sister – who isn't really her sister – and tried to use her in some ritual to go back to wherever she came from. She's toast, but the portal got opened, and it seemed like the only way B could close it was to let little D die.

Only Buffy had some kinda epiphany, and jumped into the portal, sacrificing herself to save her sister and the world. End of story, right?

Wrong. B wakes up...in someone else's body. Someone who'd died nearby, and recently. Turns out if two people die, and one soul doesn't want to leave, and the other body is still...inhabitable...the soul can move in, and take over.

Jesus. B took on a god and the Reaper in one night, and trashed both of 'em. Wow.

Only she's not the Slayer anymore. The vamps and demons are startin' to get real frisky in SunnyD, and the Scoobies aren't up to keepin' 'em down. And then B heard I was gonna get out of jail soon, and so she's offering me a deal.

When I get out, I make a little trip to Sunnydale, and Red and her girlfriend will switch my body with B's. B gets to be the Slayer again. I get a complete new start – a normal girl, with a high school diploma, no criminal record, and some money in the bank. Not the best deal in the world, but not bad.

Not the story – it's so damn weird, I can't help but believe it. Not even B could make up something this freaky. But the deal? Nope. She's not tellin' me everything.

"I don't get it, B. You kept sayin' you wanted to be a normal girl, with a normal life. Now you've got it, and you want to go back to bein' the Slayer again? What gives? Why do you want to do this?"

She looks at me, this stranger with the intense gaze that tells me this is still B, and she whispers, "Because this is killing Xander."

She continues, "The girl who died, Anya...she was Xander's girlfriend. His fiancée! He'd proposed to her that night, just before the fight, and she said yes, and now..."

She's crying. Now I know she ain't pullin' my leg, 'cause she's letting it all out.

"This ring – it's an illusion spell Willow made for me. But it only works for an hour or so at a time, so I have to save it for when Social Services comes around, to check up on me and Dawn. And every time I see Xander, he looks so awful, and I want to comfort him, and I can't, because when he sees me, he remembers what he's lost. Anya's dead, she's gone, but as long as I'm like this, he can't deal with it, and he's my friend, and I can't help him any other way."

I might have been able to say no to B. Or at least leave her hangin' for a while, let her sweat it for a bit while I thought about it. Maybe I want to find some redemption, make amends for what I did, but giving up being the Slayer is an awful lot to ask. Especially since it's saved my ass more than once in this hellhole.

But it's Xander. Of all the Scoobies, he tried the hardest to let me in. And when he came to try to be a friend to me, I attacked him. Nearly strangled him.

Plus, there's that little bit where I owe him my life, for slamming into that demon bitch with his car.

Me and B got all sortsa things between us. Maybe the scales are more on her side, but I still can't quite make myself forgive her for some of the things she said and did. And for the things she wouldn't say or do.

When Faith got out of prison and came to Sunnydale, she had just one demand: she wanted to see Xander before the body-switch – a chance to talk to him before she started wearing Anya's face.

Which meant someone – or a couple of someones – had to take her to Xander's apartment, since he never leaves it these days.

I couldn't do it, 'cause Xander can't stand the sight of me in Anya's body. Willow was out of the question; she was against the idea of Faith seeing him, and they were sure to get into a fight. I couldn't trust Dawn alone with Faith, and Spike would go up in flames in the sunlight.

That left Giles and Tara. Neither one wanted to leave the other to do it alone, so they both went with her.

Now I'm pacing the floor of the Magic Box, waiting for them to get back, hoping I didn't make a mistake letting Faith talk to Xander, hoping Tara and Giles aren't lying in an alley somewhere...

Faith starts to say something, then she closes her mouth and just glares at me. Giles sighs and starts to do his usual glasses-cleaning time-wasting thing.

Tara looks at them a moment, then says, "Faith...really tried to talk to him. I know that-" she looks down and shuffles her feet a bit. "I know you guys weren't sure about this, but I think she really wanted to do something good for him. But..." She glances over at Faith.

Are those tears in Faith's eyes? "He wouldn't talk to me. I spent about an hour in there, and most of what he said boiled down to 'Leave me alone.'"

I feel my shoulders slump. I didn't even realize until now that I was actually hoping Faith might get through to him. If nothing else, maybe he would've gotten mad enough to yell at her, or something.

When I look up from my feet, Faith's right in front of me, and she's got this funny look on her face. "This is real hard on you, isn't it B?"

It's hard to believe Faith is trying to comfort me, but I guess she's earned a little trust. Heck, she's agreed to give up her Slayer powers forever; I can afford to cut her some slack. "Yeah. It's terrible, seeing Xander like this. I've never seen him this hopeless."

Faith nods. "I know what you mean. I thought you were speakin', y'know, figuratively, when you said this was killin' him, but damn! I've seen vampires that looked more alive than Xander does right now."

"At least you got to talk to him, Faith. I want to help him, talk to him, comfort him, be there for him like he's been there for me for so long, and I can't even go near him." I realize I'm babbling. I sigh, and finish, "I just hope that someday he won't hate me anymore."

I get so angry I want to hit her, but I remember that she's the Slayer and I'm not. Right now she could wipe up the floor with me if she wanted. So I just glare at her, and after a minute she chokes out, "Sorry, B. It's just funny to see that some things never change. SunnyD is still SunnyD, and you're just as clueless as ever!"

She must see the confusion on my face, because she goes on, "B, Xander doesn't hate you. I don't think it would be possible for him to hate you. Some things could've changed around here in the past coupla years, but not that. The X-man loves you, B. Always has, always will."

I shake my head in disbelief; hasn't Faith been listening to me? "Xander doesn't love me, he loved Anya. He was going to marry her."

She waves her hand in dismissal. "I'm not talkin' hearts and flowers, B. This goes way beyond that. I'm talkin' total slave-like devotion. Xander would kneel down and kiss the water you friggin' walk on!"

I hear a snort of laughter from Spike, and Dawn giggles a little. Even Tara is trying to hide a smile behind her hand. I'm not sure who to glare at now.

Faith is a little more serious now. "Listen, B, I don't know what's eatin' Xander, but I can tell you this much. If he hates anybody right now, it's himself."

I can't help it, I snap at her, "How would you know, if he wouldn't talk to you?"

The cocky attitude leaves her face, and I see a little of the vulnerability underneath it; her expression makes me flash back to that night with Kakistos. "'Cause I've seen the look on his face too many times in the mirror."

Oh God. I start to mumble an apology, but she waves it off. "Save it, B. Let's just get that spell thing over with, so you can face the X-man and I can get gone."

God, I want to say something. She's right, in a way – I don't think we'd ever be able to make things completely right between us. There are no words that could make up for the poisoned arrow that she shot Angel with, or the knife that I shoved into her stomach.

She stares at me for a while, and then she smiles at me. "Thanks, B." Then she gets a mischievous look in her eye. "Hey, B? Do me a favor?"

She grins. "He might be kinda scruffy right now, but I saw some pictures around that house; Xander's turned into a real studmuffin in the past coupla years. And despite what I said about him worshipping you, you'd still give him the happy of a lifetime if you decided to give him a tumble."

I blush and glare at her. "And that's supposed to be a favor to you? To give my best friend a tumble?"

"Nah. Your choice if you wanna do it, B. Your loss if you don't wanna. But if you do decide to wake up and smell the hottie, give him one good 'uuuhhh!' from me." She winks. "You will be using my body, after all!"

My cheeks are flaming. But I can't help it, I start laughing. As Faith said, some things never change.

Since Buffy's illusion spell still only works for an hour or two at a time – Willow and Tara are working on a stronger one, but they haven't cracked it yet – she has to save it for when she really needs it. So I eat, gossip, pillow-fight, and watch movies with a girl who looks just like Faith.

Except it's not Faith. It's Buffy, all the way. A few days ago she told me about the time Giles was turned into a demon, and how she was able to recognize him by looking into his eyes, and how disappointed she was that he wasn't able to do the same when Faith stole her body.

Well, I didn't really get much of a chance to see Buffy in Faith's body then, or vice versa, but I know I would've known. It's not just the eyes, it's the way her hands move, the way she walks, sits, talks...it's Buffy. A dark-haired, dark-eyed, built-like-a-Las-Vegas-slut-machine Buffy, but Buffy.

It was a little strange, the first few times I hugged her. And I still freak out a little sometimes when I get up in the morning and go to Buffy's room, and find this dark-haired girl in Buffy's bed, but I'm learning to deal.

"...so Willow and Tara joined hands, and Willow said, 'Pecunia' and the demon shrank down to about half-size. You could've kicked his butt!" Buffy is saying with a snicker.

I smirk. What an opening. "So, let me come the next time you're up against one of these V'lahta demons, and let me do the butt-kicking! I'm tired of being left at home all the time while you patrol!"

She shakes her head. "Uh-uh, Dawnie. I know you wanna be a Scooby, and I'm willing to let you help out on the research, but I don't want you getting into the fighting. You saw how I looked when I came home Wednesday night? And I have Slayer healing – a normal person would've been in the hospital for a week with the beating I took."

Doesn't she get it? "I know, Buffy, but with one more person to back you up, you wouldn't have had to take such a beating! Without Xander-" Oh no. Me and my big mouth.

Her face has gone absolutely white. I rush over to her, crying, "imsorryimsorryimsorry." I feel so awful. It's been two weeks since Buffy body-switched with Faith, and he still only comes out of his apartment to work and buy groceries. He doesn't visit us, or Willow and Tara, or Giles – he doesn't go out at all. When we come to visit him, it's like seeing a half-finished Xander-bot. It looks like Xander, but there's no jokes, no smiles, no life.

I hug her and try to tell her everything's gonna be okay, but I know I wouldn't believe me if I heard me saying that, so why should she? So I stop talking, and just wait for her to cry herself out.

When she's stopped, I pull back a little and look at her. God, am I finally gonna say this? "Are you gonna tell him?"

God, I can't believe it. Faith was right. She really is clueless. "Are you gonna tell Xander that you love him?"

She just stares at me with her mouth hanging open like a dead fish. And on that thought, ewww. "Dawnie, what are you talking about, I don't-"

I can't stand to listen to more of the usual Buffy denials, so I cut her off. "Buffy, I've seen the way you look at him when we visit. You cry whenever anyone says his name. Face it, sis, you've got it bad. I should know, after all, I've had it just as bad for a long time."

"-which I'm not saying you are...I couldn't say anything right now. The last thing he needs is for me to lay something like that on him."

"Are you kidding me? This might be the one thing that could bring him out of this funk he's in! After five years, he could finally snag the girl of his dreams, the girl he's worshipped from afar for as long as he's known her..."

"You know what I mean, Dawnie. I end up driving guys away. Angel left because he thought he couldn't give me what I needed. Riley left because he thought I didn't need him enough. Xander...Xander's always been there to help me pick up the pieces of my life when I get dumped. But who's gonna be there for me when I finally drive him away?"

God, she can be such a dimwit! "Buffy, he's stuck around all this time, I think he would've left by now if he was going to."

She looks like she's gonna cry again. "Dawnie...I can't! I'm so afraid. It hurt so much when Angel left me. And Riley...it hurt when he left, it hurt a lot...but I think I hurt him even more than he hurt me. And I don't know what would be worse, if Xander hurt me...or if I hurt him. After what he's been through, with Anya dying..." The tears have started up again. "If I broke his heart, I would never be able to forgive myself."

Oh God, I hate seeing her cry like this! Someday I should really learn to keep my big mouth shut!

But as Giles says, in for a penny, in for a pound. "Buffy, Xander would never hurt you. You know that. And...God, how could you hurt him any more than he is now? His heart's broken already. He's not getting any better – someone has to push him into living again. Willow's tried everything; she even put 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' on and tried to get him to do the Snoopy Dance with her. Nothing. Faith couldn't get a rise out of him, and I expected him to pee his pants the moment he saw her. You're the only one who's got a chance at snapping him out of this."

"Buffy, Xander once told me all about his 'You're my hero' speech. Faith was right; he doesn't just love you, he worships you. If you go to him and tell him how you feel about him, I guarantee it'll make a difference."

She looks down at her feet; oh God, I think I finally won an argument with Buffy! "I...I'll go visit Xander. I don't know what I'll say to him...but I'll go see him."

I nod, and I give her a hug before we go off to bed...and as soon as the door to my bedroom is closed, I start jumping and dancing all 'round the place!

Another long day at work, another long drive home. Going through my daily routine, I can forget for a while, just lose myself in whatever I'm doing. But when I walk in the door to my apartment, and plop myself down on the sofa, I notice once again how quiet it is without her around.

Anya was always a big talker, like me, which is one of the reasons we got along so well. As unsettling as it was when she just blurted out whatever was on her mind, she never kept any secrets from me. I always knew exactly what was going on with her.

Aw, hell, who could that be? I get up and peer through the peephole, hoping it's just one of my nosy neighbors that I can blow off – pretend I'm not home, or something.

I start to turn away from the door, but she knocks again, harder, and says, "Xander, open up! I know you're in there; I was waiting outside the building for you to come home!"

I put on my best "I don't give a damn" face and open the door. "Hey, Buff, how ya doin'? Taking up a new career in stalking?"

I'm hoping I can annoy her enough so we can get into an argument and she'll go away, but no dice. Instead of one of her famous glares, I get this...hurt...look. I feel a pang of guilt – I don't really want to hurt anybody, I just want to be left alone. I hear myself mutter, "Sorry, Buff. C'mon in."

She walks in, and I'm struck yet again by how strange it is to see Faith's body with Buffy's walk, Buffy's moves. Faith swaggered, Buffy just strolls. No hip-swaying, no badass attitude.

Oh. She just put on the illusion ring. Now it's really Buffy I'm looking at. Why the hell is she doing this, she needs to save that thing for special occasions. "What's goin' on, Buff?"

"Xander, haven't you mourned long enough?" Oh, it's gonna be one of those talks. "It's been almost five months since Anya died. I know you loved her, and I know it hurts, but you've got to start living again."

"Because your friends are all worried sick about you. Willow, Tara, Giles, Dawn...and me. We miss you."

"And what about Anya, huh? Do you miss her? Or are you glad she's not around anymore to say all those bizarre and inappropriate things?"

Ah, good. Looks like I finally got her angry. "How could you say such a thing, Xander? Of course I miss Anya! Maybe I got a little wigged by some of the things she used to say, but she was a kind, decent human being! That...that awful day, she came right out and said she wished my mom hadn't died, and she meant it! It was strange, and it hurt a little to hear her say it, but she was being open and honest, and in a weird kinda way it helped a little.

"And I owe her Dawn's life, and more – if she hadn't come up with the idea of using the Dagonsphere and Olaf's hammer in the fight against Glory, we all probably would've died!"

"Well, I'm sure that's real comforting to Anya, wherever she is! Then again, I guess she wouldn't be mad at you. After all, it's my fault she's dead!"

"God, Xander! That wasn't your fault! Giles saw everything, he told me all about it. Anya saw those bricks falling a second before you did, and she did what anyone would've done: she made sure the person she loved was safe.

"Blame anyone you like for the portal opening and shaking things up: that demon Doc, who hurt Dawn and made it happen. Or me – I was an idiot, never thinking that someone other than Glory might perform the ritual. Or Ben – that bastard betrayed Dawn to Glory! I don't know how he died, but I'm glad he's dead – when Dawn told me all about it, I wanted to kill him myself!

"Anya saved your life, Xander. That doesn't mean you should blame yourself for her death."

She really means it. I want to believe her...God, I want to let go of this pain so much...but I know better. I know I deserve every bit of it.

I look up at her, trying to figure out how to push her away. Maybe if I tell her the truth, she'll-

Superman has his kryptonite. Green Lantern is helpless against anything yellow. And what, might you ask, are Xander Harris' weaknesses? Simple. Willow Rosenberg's resolve face, and Buffy Summers' tears.

If she'd only kept the illusion ring off, maybe I'd be able to pull away. But God help me, I'm stuck here, staring at her while tears run down her cheeks.

She takes a couple of steps toward me, and gently pulls my head down a little so I'm looking right in her eyes. "I should've listened to Faith. She told me you were mad at yourself, but I was such a self-centered bitch. I thought you were mad at me!"

She bites her lip. "Because I thought you blamed me for losing Anya. For days I thought I was to blame somehow – that I'd possessed her, or kicked her out of her body while she was unconscious or something like that.

"But I asked Willow and Tara, and they told me about a hundred times until I finally believed them: Anya died when those bricks fell on her, even if her body somehow still kept working. Her spirit was gone before I even jumped off the tower. If it hadn't been, I couldn't have taken over the body. And if I hadn't, it would've remained in a coma for a few days, and then it would've died. Nothing I could've done or not done would've brought Anya back.

"So although I still felt terrible, I decided all I could do was get on with my life, and try to be there for my friends. Except my dear friend Xander couldn't stand to look at me. I was sure I knew why – looking at me was like looking at a ghost. And since I wasn't a Slayer anymore, I couldn't hold my own against the vampires and demons around here. So I made the body-switch deal with Faith...and I've been waiting ever since then for you to forgive me."

I close my eyes. She might as well know it all. Maybe then she'll finally leave me alone. "I saw the two of you, lying on the ground. Two women who meant more to me than my own life were dead. I wanted to scream, to howl, to break something...but I just stood there, totally numb. And then I saw Anya...Anya's body start to stir. And somewhere deep inside me, a little voice said, 'Why isn't it Buffy?'"

I see the shock on her face. Yeah, Buff. Think I'm worth having around now? "I must be a terrible person, Buffy. The woman I'd proposed to just a couple hours ago came back to life, and I secretly wanted it to be her that was dead, and not you. And then it turned out to be that way after all, so I got exactly what I wanted, didn't I?" I chuckle bitterly.

"I thought maybe it was a Hellmouth thing, or another demon like Anya who granted wishes, or something like that. But...whether or not I actually did anything...in my mind, in my heart, I betrayed Anya. I betrayed the woman I loved.

"I can't help being glad that you're alive, Buffy. But you should leave me alone. Tell Willow, and Dawn, and all the others...just leave me alone."

As Buffy sits in our room, sipping one of Tara's soothing herbal teas and telling her story, the same thought keeps going through my head, over and over.

I've known Xander Harris for about fifteen years. I've seen happy Xander, sad Xander, goofy Xander, dead-serious Xander, and everything in between. I should've been able to recognize guilty Xander.

Hey, what he's going through isn't that much different from what Buffy did when Glory grabbed Dawn. Except the part where Buffy went catatonic 'cause she couldn't deal with her guilt. While Xander...Xander's cutting himself off from us on purpose. To punish himself.

And Buffy! Why did she run off on Xander like that? She could've called us up, had us all come over to do a little intervention on him or something. But no, she panics and comes running to us for help!

Suddenly Tara reaches over from next to me, takes one of Buffy's hands, and...tugs the illusion ring off.

God! I was sitting here next to her all this time, and never realized! It was Buffy sitting here crying her eyes out, not Buffy-wearing-Faith's-face. She was wearing the illusion ring at Xander's, and she got so freaked she ran all the way here without even realizing she had it on!

I'm so shocked I almost miss Tara's question, "Is there something you're not telling us, Buffy?" She sounds like she's expecting something specific. What's going on here?

Faith-Buffy gets this guilty look on her face – an expression I'd never expected to see on Faith's face – and she takes a deep breath. "I went over to Xander's tonight to say...to tell him..." She stops, and she's blinking away tears! What the-? "I went to tell Xander that I thought I was in love with him."

And Tara's just nodding, like she knew what Buffy was going to say! "Did you?" she asks.

Buffy shakes her head. "No. After what he said...God!" She laughs bitterly. "Y'know what convinced me I love him? When he told me to go away, leave him alone...I felt my heart breaking. I knew right then. I knew I was completely in love with him. I wanted to go to him, comfort him, hug him...kiss him. And I couldn't." She lays her face in her hands, and sobs quietly.

Oh. Now I'm beginning to get the picture. "Because you were afraid you'd only make him feel more guilty," I venture.

She shrugs. "I suspected. Even after we talked Buffy through the whole 'I took Anya's body' guilt trip, I felt there was something else going on. I wanted to say something, but you've known Buffy and Xander longer than I have – I thought you'd've told me if you'd noticed something strange."

I shake my head. "I never noticed at all. I've been so wrapped up in school, and Scooby business, and magic, and you..." I smile at her, and think for the zillionth time how grateful I am to have her back. She was only...away...for a couple of days or so, but it seemed like an eternity in Hell, seeing her like that. Months later, I still have nightmares about that day in the park, watching Glory do...that to my Tara.

Tara snaps me out of my reverie. "We've got to do something, fast. Xander opened up to Buffy tonight – right now is probably our best chance to get through to him."

"But how?" I ask. "I don't think going into Xander's mind is going to help him the way it helped Buffy. He's not catatonic, he's just...being stubborn!" I finish helplessly. "And with Buffy, I could tell her, 'Snap out of it so we can go save Dawn.' But Anya really is dead; Xander can't do anything about it. So how can we get through to him?"

Tara suddenly gets this look on her face, and I feel my heart speed up. She's thought of something! "We can't...but Anya can."

When we reach Xander's apartment, Willow's still looking at me like I'm crazy. Buffy hasn't said a word since I laid out my plan, but she's giving me this wide-eyed stare, like I've suddenly grown a new head or something.

I honestly wonder myself if I know what I'm doing. But it's too late to back down once I knock on the door.

I wait for a little bit, then knock a second time. Then a third. Finally, I turn to Buffy. "Could you...?" I jerk my head toward the door.

After a moment, she nods, and steps forward to take the doorknob. I hear a crunching sound as she turns the knob, and the door opens.

"Thank God he didn't use the deadbolt. I don't want to think how much it would cost for Xander to replace the whole door," she mutters.

"Only about two hundred dollars, Buff," Xander says, from inside "I can hang a door myself, after all. Now why don't you-"

"Xander, you're not to blame for Anya's death. All three of us," I motion to Buffy and Willow, "are here because we care about you, and we hate to see you doing this to yourself."

I walk up to him, and realize for the first time that we're just about the same height. Looking him right in the eye, I add, "And I bet that Anya feels the same way."

He opens his mouth, but I've got the advantage now, and I'm not about to let go of it. "I said be quiet, Xander." I take a deep breath. "Now, I'm so sure that Anya feels that way that I'm going to contact her, right now, and let her give you a piece of her mind. Now, I don't want you to say anything, just nod your head 'yes': If Anya tells you to stop doing this to yourself, will you?"

He's staring at me, his brown eyes open all the way and his mouth hanging open. Wow. I need to learn to put my foot down more often.

"Okay, then sit down on the floor." He does, and I sit down across from him. "Willow, you come sit on my right; Buffy, here on my left."

I reach into my pocket and pull out a small crystal ball and set it on the floor.

"No, Xander, you won't see anything. It's just an aid to concentration, for me. And please be quiet now."

Now comes the hard part. I stare at the crystal, focusing my mind on one thought: contacting Anya, wherever she is.

I've done this kind of thing once or twice before, and always I've had to search long and hard before finding any sign of the spirit I'm looking for.

Not this time, though. As soon as I reach the proper state of mind, I feel Anya's spirit touch mine. And as she flows into me, I want to laugh, to sing, to dance.

Her voice is coming out of my mouth. I'm just an observer now; for a while at least, Anya's going to be in control of my body.

"I didn't plan to die that night, Xander. But I don't regret saving your life for a moment. And I'm going to be very angry with you if you just throw it away!"

"Xander, you're an extraordinary man. You taught a former vengeance demon the meaning of love. I can't tell you how many beings up here are amazed that I made it to where I am."

"Yes, Xander. Thanks to the noble, self-sacrificing gestures you inspired me to make, I ended my life with a positive balance. You can call me Anya the Angel now."

Mm-hmm, she replies. Just barely, and it was a really close squeeze at the end...I'll tell you in a moment.

"For what, Xander? Forgiving you? There was nothing to forgive. If there had been, I would have told you." Then she turns to Buffy. "I think you have something to say to him now."

"Buffy, did you really think I wouldn't know? Or that I would be angry? You and Xander have a life to live. I don't." I feel her shrug my shoulders. "Just take him in the other room and talk to him. I have a couple of things to say to Tara and Willow."

She stares at me a moment longer and then gets up. "C'mon, Xander. We have a conversation to finish."

I feel tears begin to form in my eyes. "Take good care of my Xander. Don't let him do any more stupid things like this. Or you'll find out if there are vengeance angels."

When the two of them are in the next room, Anya sighs. "By D'Hoffryn's beard! I thought you two would never get around to contacting me. I've been practically screaming in your ears for days! And you call yourselves witches!"

Willow looks amused and sorry at the same time. I know how she feels. "I'm sorry. I honestly didn't know."

Anya shrugs my shoulders again. "That's okay. I made the mistake of trying to contact you first, Willow, since you're a bit stronger...but I think our spirits are just too incompatible. Thankfully Tara had her ears and her mind open tonight."

I decide to ask Anya something, and she lets me use my mouth so Willow can hear. "Are you really okay with Xander and Buffy?"

My voice switches back to Anya's. "There's something I didn't tell them, because I didn't want to ruin Buffy's surprise for Xander. I did die when those bricks fell on me...but that doesn't mean I couldn't have stopped Buffy from taking over my body. If I'd really wanted to be mean, I could've forced her to cross over with me, instead of going back. But I knew how much she meant to Xander, and I sort of liked her myself, so I let her in. Even though I knew that they would eventually get together. That was my last good deed, the one that pushed the balances in my favor.

"However, you'll notice I asked them to step into the next room. I think Xander has to get on with his life, and I know Buffy will be good for him, but that doesn't mean I want to watch her kiss him until he swears to love her forever – which won't take long, I can promise you. Really, I think she should just have sex with Xander and get it over with, but I think she's going to wait a little while."

Willow gapes, and I feel Anya's silent laughter. Suddenly I realize that Anya's outbursts weren't just a lack of social graces. Some of it had indeed been the ex-demon stumbling her way through the various rules of the human world, but there was a reason why her outrageous sexual statements had gone on for so long after she had outwardly accepted most of the other nuances of public behavior. She simply liked watching our reactions – she thought they were funny!

As Willow would say, well, duh! she says silently to me. I was elemental and sensual, not stupid! Then after a pause, she added, So this is how it feels to be a lesbian. I don't really want to kiss Willow, but could we go find another girl to kiss before I have to go? I'd like to be able to compare.

Maybe, she replies innocently. Anyway, I do have some news to pass along before I go...and I really should go soon. There's this really handsome angel named Doyle – he says he was a half-demon who worked with Angel – Buffy's Angel, I mean. We've been swapping stories, and I think we're going to make each other's halos glow soon.

Before I can react, she's talking out loud again. "Willow, there's one important piece of information you need to pass on to Giles. Faith's in Paris, and she's got her Slayer powers back."

"Something about her still being the official Slayer – it's a spiritual thing as well as a physical one – so when she went into my body she gave it Slayer powers. Buffy couldn't do the same thing since she's already died and had a replacement Called."

"No, no, Willow! Faith's still got some problems, but she's basically good now. And all on her own, she's been putting a major dent in the undead population of Europe. But she could use some guidance now, and while I don't like those snooty Watchers, they're the only ones with any experience at handling Slayers."

"Well...if she's good," Willow says doubtfully, "shouldn't we be concerned that they'll hurt her?"

"No," Anya says smugly. "Just make sure Giles tells them to send Geoffrey Davies to her. He'll be perfect for the job; he's more open-minded than Mr. Travers or that stick-in-the-mud Philip. And he's also young and handsome, and Faith's been in prison with all women for two years. As soon as she realizes she can trust him, she'll give him so many wonderful orgasms that he'll never let the Council do anything to her again."

Anya's laughing again as she watches Willow choke on that. I silently ask, Is that really such a good idea? I've heard that Faith doesn't really respect the men she takes to bed with her.

Then Anya talks out loud. "Okay, Buffy's finally gotten to the kissing part, and I've passed along my messages, so I'll be going."

"That's all right, Willow. I wasn't exactly nice to you either. Just remember what I said to Buffy: don't let anything happen to Xander, or I'll find a way to come back. And while you're at it, don't do anything to make Tara cry, either. She's got a very warm, comforting spirit, and I don't want her to ever be unhappy."

My lover nods, and reaches out to hug me. "That was a wonderful thing you did for Xander, Tara. Thank you so much!"

I wonder if Anya left a little something behind in me, because I pull back to give Willow this wicked grin and say, "Wanna show me how grateful you are?"

I am pleased to report that – for once – Halloween has come and gone in Sunnydale without incident. I am even more pleased that Buffy's bold gamble of switching bodies with Faith has resulted in complete success, in ways both expected and unexpected.

She has resumed regular patrols, occasionally using the illusion spell Willow gave her, and the results have been phenomenal. Once word got out in the demon community that the young woman they now call "The God Slayer" had returned, we could almost hear the monsters heading for the hills.

The news – from a spirit whose identity Tara, Willow, and Buffy would not reveal to me – that Faith had managed to imbue her new body with Slayer strength was rather disturbing at first, but the solution offered by said spirit seems satisfactory. I am well acquainted with Geoffrey Davies – he is, in fact, my second cousin – and I believe that, in spite of his youth, he will make an excellent Field Watcher. However, when I mentioned his relationship to me, and the fact that he looks rather like I did when I was in my late twenties, I was somewhat confused by Buffy's comment to Willow, "Remember what Faith said about Giles when she first met him?" Willow started to giggle, then noticed that Tara and I were staring at her. She refused to reveal what she found so funny, but I distinctly heard her whisper "Later," to Tara.

On a more personal note, I am pleased to note that Xander has begun to come out of his self-imposed exile, showing up on a regular basis at the magic shop. And although his lack of exercise and proper nutrition has left him without the strength and stamina to assist with patrolling for the time being, he has surprisingly offered to pitch in with research work until he is back in top physical form again.

Buffy appears to have taken a personal interest in Xander's health. They have spent an inordinate amount of time together lately, especially in the training room, where I can hear them working out together. On the other hand, I have noticed that the two of them have a tendency to fall silent, for periods of time ranging from five minutes to over an hour.

I wonder if I should tell Buffy that I know what is going on back there, but I think she's enjoying the idea of "putting one over" on me. I'm sure she'll let me know when the time is right. I only hope that the time will be right sometime before she decides to change her last name.

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A New Start

by Sibling

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