All In My Head by Shawnie

Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara, Buffy, Dawn and Giles belong to Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox and Mutant Enemy, which they all became by killing off Tara and breaking up everybody's favorite Wiccan couple.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse: http://mysticmuse.net
If anyone wants it just ask.
Feedback: Greatly appreciated!
Spoilers: None.
Author's Notes: This is AU where, in my world, Tara lives and Willow is nobody's killer. Tara does break up with Willow for magick abuse, the way back to finding each other is full of angst, but like the sun is to flowers, Willow and Tara must be together.
Pairing: Willow/Tara

Summary: Willow's inner demons are battling for control of her psyche as she fights for her true identity that has been slowing shedding away due to her abuse of dark magic.

Dark Willow was born from necessity. Born from pain. She trusts no one. She's no accident, she is metaphor for a side of Willow which lays dormant, holding a hint of menace.

Everyone sees the good, light side of Willow Rosenberg, but she has another side. Even before her addiction to magiks she was a fragmented young lady, occasionally revealing a dark troubled aspect of her personality that contrasted with her usual, gentle kind side.

This was the Willow who was all of her teachers' favorite student. A good friend. And part of a group who served the world night after night to keep it safe.

But she didn't just 'go bad'. She just finally gave in to her years of pain, hurt, self-loathing and insecurities. Willow's harrowing descent into darkness was years in the making. She didn't just one day become this other version of herself.

Dark Willow was that person created deep within Willow's psyche. She was born to protect Willow from the things which she herself couldn't handle. Starting with her parents neglect.

Born to Shelia and Ira Rosenberg, Willow had learned early on what her place was. She simply had a role to play.

Willow's parents didn't realize that Willow was far more intelligent than most kids her age, that in itself was a gift and a burden. But what she really was more than anything, was a great kid.

"Be smart. Always be the smartest. Be the best student. I will not stand for anything less. You are my daughter after all. What would people say? What will people think if you ever bring home anything less than an A? Now your father and I are going out of town again. Here. This should be enough to buy you anything you might need." Shelia Rosenberg would brush past Willow without a hug or kiss. She would utter no goodbye.

'Great so I'm worth three hundred dollars? Is that the running rate for the price of a daughter's love and attention now days?' She asked herself as she threw the money across the room.

'She'll probably help out a lot of kids while I sit here in need of a mother. If I stop being the grade A student and teachers started to talk, then I'd get her attention for sure. She'd want to sit and analyze me. She'd spend hour upon hour talking to me then. Then, at last, I'd have her attention. She would have to be around me then. With her reputation as this big time scholar, it wouldn't do for her to have a daughter who was a complete screw up! Oh yeah I'd have her all to myself for a while.' Willow had thought to herself often. In fact this was the only thought that comforted her many nights.

The time Buffy and Cordelia had secretly snuck off to a frat party, and she'd had to put Angel and Giles in their place.

When the swim team had started vanishing and she had had to interrogate Jonathon. The sneaky little weasel had snapped like a twig under her bad cop routine.

Then of course there was the time she had become fed up of being the reliable dog geyser person and had agreed to help Anya with a spell, effectively bringing her vampire self forth from bizarro world.

But it was when she had found Oz wit that bitch Veruca that the real manifestation appeared as she started to place a curse on both of the werewolves.

We all have a dark side. It's just a matter of finding out what it takes to bring it forth. What emotional buttons does one have to push for it to emerge?

For little Willow Rosenberg it was the use of magick. She always stated that doing magick made her feel special. With the magick, came the chance for her evil alter ego to come forth. And once she was out, dark Willow wasn't willing to go back to being controlled.

A creature of rage and pain she waited for the perfect time to fully manifest herself. From the first time Willow went to Rack's, seconds after he had tasted her, Willow's alter ego was alive and it was no longer just part of Willow's psyche. It was now a she. And her name is Dark Willow.

Dark Willow woke to find Rack on top of her fumbling to get her jeans open. His pants were halfway down his legs and his penis was already out. She shoved him back and off of her.

"WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING TO DO TO ME?" She yelled as she re-fastened her jeans.

"Aww…come on Strawberry I wasn't going to hurt you. I just wanted a taste." He said smiling and touching himself.

"Oh, so you just wanted a taste? Just a taste?" She asked as she walked toward Rack. She continued "and if you liked it you were going to stop at just a taste right?" she purred at him.

There was silence. Dark Willow walked over to and knelt in front of Rack. Looking directly at his penis she licked her lips and said

"Make a deal with you." She continued to lick her lips looking directly at his penis. You let me taste and then you can taste. Deal?" She whispered.

All Rack could do was nod his head. Dark Willow began to get undressed. She turned the music up loud to drown out any noise. She stood naked walking around teasing Rack. He almost ripped his pants off. She coaxed him to the far end of the room where in the corner was a bed. She got him to lay down on his stomach as she climbed on his back. She started playing in his hair and pulling it. She wrapped a handful of it tightly in her hands and snatched his head back.

"Why Strawberry I didn't know you had it in ya. But you want it rough? I can do rough bitch." He snarled at her.

"Well why don't we see just how high your tolerance for pain is. Shall we?" She quickly muttered a few words and Rack's hands were pulled above his head and his mouth zipped shut. Using her knee she slowly opened his thighs. Rack started to try to get his hands free but then his legs were tied at each ankle. He was spread eagle face down.

"Nobody touches me without my fucking permission. I don't believe you asked. So now I'm going to have to teach you a lesson. It has to be something you'll never forget." She said smiling.

She stood up and Rack couldn't believe it. She was wearing a dildo which she promptly started playing with.

"I never understand how you guys walk around with these things. It's in the way. But I guess I can manage for a little while." Dark Willow was still playing with the dildo. "Now I think you mentioned you like it rough? So we don't need lubrication then." She climbed back up on the bed and in between Rack's legs. He tried to move but couldn't. "Oh yeah, Willow's gonna make you scream." She snapped her fingers and part of the zip across his mouth was gone. She didn't want him to be able to say a spell against her. She wanted it just enough to hear him scream.

With a few thrusts she was inside him and scream he did. She lost it. She was enjoying his pain. She loved being the cause of his cries. She was fucking him like an animal. With every thrust she was going inside him deeper and deeper. By the time she finished her dildo had blood on it. Rack was crying and trying to cast.

"Look at you. So this like, makes you my bitch now." She smiled and walked out leaving Rack tied up and crying.

As soon as she was out the door and the night air touched her skin she stopped and just breathed deeply. She looked around

"Aaahhh. I'm alive. I'm free." she said. 'And I'm not going back.' She thought to herself.

She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she walked right into a bunch of guys. They apologized and kept walking.

'They bumped into me and I felt it. I really am alive. I`M ALIVE! I`M ALIVE. I'M REALLY HERE. I have to do this. I have to do this now. What if...you can't do it? I've waited so long for this.'

She took off running to find Buffy. After two graveyards and three crypts she finally found her. She was in the middle of a nasty fight with three vampires. Dark Willow stood in the background watching the slayer, waiting for her chance. When the opportunity came she took it. The slayer was a bit dazed after being knocked off her feet from a wicked blow by one of the two remaining vampires.

That's when Dark Willow jumped in. She grabbed one of the vampires from behind and quickly staked him with Buffy's Mr. Pointy. Now there was just one left. Of course he had to be the biggest one of all. Before Buffy could get up Dark Willow got the vampire to come after her. She took his attention off Buffy.

"WILLOW NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURSELF HURT." Buffy yelled.

Dark Willow could have easily taken out the vampire, but Willow of course, couldn't. So she allowed herself to take one or two blows before managing to finally stake the vamp.

They hobbled out the graveyard only to walk into two more vampires. Dark Willow helped Buffy to the ground and this time she wasted no time killing them both. Buffy was stunned.

"How did yo..? Where did you learn to...?" She continued moving her mouth but nothing was coming out.

"Hey my best friend is the slayer…I watched, took notes and.. you know vamps hurting the slayer is bad…A hurt slayer is a grumpy slayer. I came to find you, I wanted to uhm, to say thanks for, for what you did for me in high school. You befriended me when you could have easily been with the cordettes..." She hugged Buffy.

Buffy was lost and confused. She had watched Willow take out two vamps and was now being thanking for befriending the redhead in high school.

Let me tell you something about Willow Rosenberg. I used to be such a pathetic creature. Always slinking away. Deprived of love by my own parents at home. But in the publics eye my mother was so loving. So caring.

My childhood was so screwed up. I was an outcast in school for not wearing the right clothes, for not hanging with the best crowd. I was picked on and bullied for being smart unless someone needed those smarts for their own advantage of course.

I was on constant parade for my parent's friends and colleagues. I was a prize to shove in their faces.

"That's right step right up folks. See my daughter the whiz kid. The computer expert. The grade A student whose average hasn't dropped a grade point from A+ ever. She's been skipped once. She's getting offers from every top college in the nation. Step right up folks."

But now, now I live an animal life. With animal behaviors. I growl and snarl, snarling and growling makes people shrink away from me. They now fear me or live in fear of me. I'm like some rabid dog. I like it. I like that I have them fear me. I use it to my advantage.

But understand, I'm not just this wild animal. I have feelings too. As much as I hate it, it is a fact. These feelings will surely be the one flaw in me that could cost me everything.

Like when our mother died of brain cancer. Oh okay, so Joyce wasn't her mom, but, well she was more of a mother than Sheila ever was. Joyce's death nearly broke her. She didn't take it well at all. If it hadn't been for me she would have never got through it. She couldn't even decide what to wear to the hospital for goodness sake. Just getting dressed became this major hurdle. I mean really have you ever heard such a thing?

She had so many thoughts, so many questions…She was babbling like a mad woman. She just wouldn't shut up. Joyce was dead and she was concerned about her now falling victim to vampires. Of all the things to consume her thoughts...

To get her to shut up, and to just give me a break from her internal babble, I had to calm her fears. The night after her funeral I went out and took a visit to the graveyard where Joyce was buried. Inside one of the crypts about seventy-five feet from where mom was there was a gang of vamps just hanging out, making plans to go grab dinner.

Now I promise you, my intentions were to just talk to them and get them out through reason. Well it started out a simple enough plan; walk in and tell them they could no longer step into this graveyard. But you know what they say about the best laid plans...

Why does every vampire have to associate me with the slayer? The talk was going fairly well until one vampire recognized me.

"No you don't." and I kept on explaining why this particular area was bad news. He got up and came over to me staring.

I grabbed him by the throat and broke his neck before he could even finish his sentence.

"The slayer's worst enemy." I finished his sentence for him. Okay so I added my own finish to what he was going to say.

Needless to say my actions didn't sit too well with his friends. The few that had been sitting were now standing and walking towards me. The ones standing already had blocked my way out. The only way out.

I'm not one to feel threatened. When I feel trapped I'm like that rabid dog. I only know one way…My instincts kick in and the next thing I know, I'm throwing punches and loving the feel of flesh as it bounces of my skin.

I could have easily used my powers, but where's the fun in that? Okay so fighting took longer, and it was a lot more painful, but it was so worth it.

I got the message across loud and clear. No vampires allowed within one hundred feet of this place. To emphasize my message I left a few vampires alive to tell the tale.

When I was satisfied that my message would indeed be understood I made my way back to the dorms. On my way back I checked in on everyone in the Summer's household. Buffy was in her room not sleeping. Dawn was tossing and turning. I climbed in bed with her and told her it would be alright. I sat with her for over an hour before she finally dozed off.

I had worn out my vessel, Willow's body. It needed to rest. I headed back to the dorms, cleaned up and went to Tara's dorm room. I climbed into bed and fell right to sleep.

She needed it so badly. She wanted it less. The magicks were calling out to her. Willow desperately fought the urge to give in and do a spell. It would have been so easy. It would have ended all her pain, while at the same time unleashing upon her world someone that would cause more hurt and pain. Herself.

Was it a lost cause? Tara had still broken up with her. Did it even matter anymore? Willow knew that as much as she was doing this to try and win Tara back she was also doing it for herself. She didn't like the person she had become.

The voices were taunting her again. "Didn't like the person you became?" It sneered. "You were nothing before me. Just some geek. You were a loser. You were just Willow, plain old Willow who was picked on and teased by everyone. Your own parents didn't even like you. I offered you the world and you greedily took it. You had the power...then she tells you she didn't like who you were becoming and just like that you throw it all away. You picked her over me and now she's not here. Now you intend to just pretend that we never happened? You think you can so easily throw me to the side? I WANT WHAT WE AGREED UPON!" The voice was booming inside Willow's head. "Come on" the voice now whispered "just one small spell and we will be together forever. We can have it all. You can have anything you want. The world will be your oyster."

"NOOOOOO!" The voice screamed. "She's the reason why I'm here to begin with. TARA." She said it like it was something dirty. "When I'm out I will see to it that that bitch gets everything she deserves."

"Don't you go near my Tara. I'll kill you right now." The magick was flowing through Willow and it's just what Dark Willow wanted.

"Do it. I can feel you want to. Look at yourself. You can taste the power ready to flow through you. You want to hurt me don't you? Just one little spell against me...." Willow pulled away from herself. Her hair was black and the power was at her finger tips crackling and waiting, but she refused to succumb to it.

When Dark Willow realized she wasn't going to cast a spell she toyed with her, showing images and memories of Tara.

Dark Willow knew she was close to her freedom if Willow did even the simplest of spells. The memory of her and Tara sharing their first kiss. The first time they made love. Them in Tara's room doing spells together. Then the pictures were dark. Her and Tara fighting. The day Glory brain sucked Tara. Their fights and arguments. Then the words that were etched in Willow's mind... 'I-I-I don't trust you anymore Willow. You hurt me. You stole my memories. I-I trusted you and you hurt me. Its over. I can't stay with you if I can't trust you.' Those words were played over and over and over again. Willow couldn't take it anymore. It hurt too much to hear Tara's voice.

She started to tremble. Grabbing her head she dropped to the floor. Just as Buffy was walking into her best friend's room she saw Willow going. She missed catching her by a fraction of an instant. Willow hit the floor hard. There was a steady flow of blood streaming from her nose and a gash on her forehead from hitting the edge of the bed.

"Willow? Willow!" Buffy called shaking her best friend. "Dawn? Dawn where are you? Get in here. Now!"

Willow went into convulsions. Even with her slayer strength Buffy was having a hard time holding on. At one point she was tossed like a rag doll. She recovered quickly and was back holding on to Willow to stop her from causing further damage to herself. The convulsions were coming to an end, Willow's eyes fluttered but that was all. In her mind Willow was calling out to her light. "Taraaaaaaa."

Across Sunnydale Tara was in her philosophy class when she too experienced a spilling pain in her head. She squinted from the pain. "Willow" she breathed softly. It would be the last thing Willow would hear before she slipped into unconsciousness.

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All In My Head

by Shawnie

Copyright © 2004

Eeyore2k02@yahoo.co.uk