The Spaces In Between by Red Willow

Disclaimer: All characters and reference to belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and all them other peeps. I'm just using them to make my own fun. Girl/Girl lovin', you no like, you no read. All story ideas other than btvs canon and original characters are solely from my perverted little mind.

Summary: Willow deals with hidden desires, Buffy confronts her demons, and in the middle they meet.

There was no one home when I got back from the Magic Box. It didn't surprise me though. These days I often returned to an empty house. Dawn was usually at Janice's and Buffy was out either working or patrolling. So I guess either way, she was working. It's not that I mind being alone, sometimes I even long for the solitude. But lately, with Tara gone and me trying to kick the magicks, I just get lonely a little too quickly.

I went up to my room and lay down on my bed. I hugged a pillow close to me and tried to take a nap. It didn't work though. I lay there for a long time with my eyes closed, thinking of binary codes and algebraic formulas, anything to put me to sleep. But no, not with my silly willy brain, I ended up wanting to get on my laptop and do homework. I really just wanted to sleep though. The more I slept, the less I had to deal with reality.

I got up and put my Jake Lee Rau cd on repeat. I hadn't listened to that one in awhile, but it seemed appropriate. I was kind of feeling down in the dumps. I had been for a while. I watched the clock, tracing the red glowing letters until they had no form, no meaning. And still no sleep. I rolled on my back, staring at the ceiling, watching the shadows shift as time passed and the sun went down. I nodded my head methodically to the music and finally relaxation nudged me into sleep.

Her hands are all over me, moving as if through liquid, sliding silky smooth along my bare skin. She's everywhere at once. Greedy hands and wet kisses. Sighs and moans filling this room that has no walls, nor ceiling, just this space made for us. She's pressing herself against my wet sex, whispering lusty promises in my ears. I'm under her, my legs wrapped around her hot body, pulling her into me. She grabs my wrists, pushing my arms up over my head and holding me there.

I'm literally aching to touch her, but she holds me down, not letting me. I'm squirming, begging for release. She pays no attention; instead she sucks greedily at my nipples, scraping her teeth over them, practically biting them. It's all almost too much for me to bear. Quiet pleasure moans stretch into cries and pleas. I feel my juices bubble out of me as an almost painful ache tears through me. I'm desperately trying to grind my slick pussy against her but again she won't let me. I'm a jumble of aching, needy knots on the verge of ripping apart and I just can't stand it anymore.

She lifts her head from my breast and looks at me. Shadows cross her face and I only see the devilish grin dancing on her lips.

"What do you want me to do?" she asks innocently licking her lips, as if she doesn't realize that my wetness is practically splashing against her thighs and belly as I try to get myself off.

She's pulling away from me, retracting from my throbbing body, denying me privilege. NO! She can't do this to me! She…

She's sliding her fingers between my swollen slick lips, and before I can even react she's deep inside me and I'm arching my body against her, meeting her furious thrusts, crying out affirmations and pleas. Goddess yes! She's filling me with herself, her hand and wrist drenched in my thick liquid. I'm squeezing and pulling her into me deeper and wider with my arms and legs, my cunt wanting to devour her wholly. She gives herself to me, leaning closer, her body heavy on mine, keeping me tangled and tied to her. She's moaning almost as loud as I'm crying and she's rubbing her thumb on my clit, almost viciously, her pinky sliding in and out of my asshole and I'm full and round with orgasmic waves pulsing through every cell of my shaking body and still she thrusts her hand into me, fucking me like I asked, prolonging the orgasm, creating new ones. I'm rising higher and higher, crashing over the edge in ecstasy and slowly falling back only to be lifted again, fucked raw with untapped passion by my lover, her hand, her body, her moans and sweat.

Suddenly I'm pushing her from me, ignoring another oncoming orgasm in favor of hers.

She's grinning at me as she untangles herself from my legs and pulls herself further up my body, placing her full, rich lips on mine, the sweet taste of berries filling my mouth as our tongues meet. Her mouth isn't the only thing I want to taste, to explore with my tongue, and she knows it.

I'm hungry for that strong musky elixir that intoxicates me every time I bury my head in her soft curls, and before I realize it, she's turning around, her hands on my thighs, and that oh so sweet pussy hovering mere inches from my face. Her lips are so swollen with desire and shiny thick wetness that I think I'm going to come again before I even get started.

"Mmmm Tara …" I moan before pulling her down onto my face, the first slight touch sending her hips into a jerk and a loud moan from around a bitten lip.

I'm opening her with my tongue, pulling back the slick silk curtains of her sex and tasting that pungent earthiness I so love. Almost immediately she begins to slowly rotate her hips against my exploring tongue. I'm mad with hunger, lapping up her cocktail as if it's the source of all my life being. My face is buried in her hot sex and, covered with her sticky goodness, I'm thrashing my tongue over her engorged nub sending her moans into loud "Gods" and "Yesses." I'm sucking her and fucking her with my tongue, my teeth, and my lips, and she's spreading herself wider for me, begging me not to stop, to never stop as she comes against my face, riding it. And I'm not stopping; I'll never stop now that I have her filling my cup with her cream.

I'm holding her hips tightly with my hands, holding her to me as I continue to work my tongue and mouth over her throbbing clit even as waves from her orgasm still crash though her. She's moaning my name, calling to me, and then I'm feeling her hands on me again, parting my lips and dipping her fingers into my own hot liquids. We're matching each other's rhythm of circling fingers and swirling firm tongue until we're both bucking with pleasure and release. We're floating. Nothing has substance or texture. There is only us coming together, arriving and wanting to go back only to come again, full and fat with completeness.

Again we untangle, flopping back into a soft familiar embrace, two sweaty bodies melting against each other with the pungent smell of each other's sex heavy in the air. We kiss hungrily, aware that we both taste her arousal and she giggles wiping her stickiness off my face. I close my eyes, happy for this one moment of gentle peace as we continue to kiss deeply, savoring it.

I break away; wanting to look at her, look in her eyes, to tell her how much I love…

What the hell?? I'm flailing, sitting bolt upright, practically flinging her off of me. What in the mighty hell is going on?

Buffy's just grinning at me though, saying nothing. Curling up next to me, she lays her head in my lap, her fingers resting gently on my inner thigh, almost brushing against my still pulsating wet center.

Awareness washed over me, as the music still playing became clearer and the outline of my furniture and pictures on the walls took form in the darkness. I ran a ragged hand through my damp hair and wiped the sweat from my forehead.

I looked at the clock on my nightstand; not believing it was already after nine. I had definitely gotten in my much-needed nap, but what a dream that was. I wasn't surprised though. Ever since Tara left me, I'd been having a lot of "those kinds" of dreams. I thought I had gotten over the Buffy dreams in high school though. Things were seriously screwed. Tara was gone, I was addicted to magic, Buffy and I were hardly talking, and now the dreams. Some weren't so sexual, not like that one had been. But most of the time I was with either Tara or Buffy, then all of a sudden I would realize I was with the other. I was confused, frustrated, and horny as hell. I was also extremely wet. I could feel the hot fluid between my legs seeping out between my lips, soaking my yellow panties, not to mention the insistent throbbing.

I rolled my eyes, looking around the room. This was a new routine for me. Dreaming of sex with Tara and Buffy, waking up horny, and lots of manual stimulation. This was what I was reduced to almost every day. How fun for me.

I shrugged, thinking it better to just get on with it rather than try to ignore the aching and only wind up doing it later when I was that more frustrated. I pushed my jeans and panties off, letting them drop on the floor. I didn't bother with my shirt or bra. I knew it wouldn't take long to satisfy myself on account of the pounding mass of muscle between my legs. Heck, my hips were nearly humping the air of their own volition.

I traced the same well-worn path I was accustomed to since first discovering myself, and how to make my body tremble with bright waves of sweet delight. Around and around my fingers went, sometimes a little lower, sometimes more to the left, always the same route to the very much-needed destination. I drew my legs up, opening myself wider as my sex tensed with the oncoming ripples, sending a hot flood up into my stomach and down my legs.

I bucked against my hand, squeezing my legs together only momentarily as the initial electricity shot through me. Then I was at it again, my hand and fingers madly thrashing in the folds of my insatiate and desperate mound. I continued in this fashion 2, 3, 4 more times. I couldn't stop, could only keep my hand against my aching need, trying to satiate the hunger that burned there until the only thing that stopped me was my cramping hand.

I turned off the cd and grabbed my sweatpants. I heard movement across the hall and decided it would probably be best to just head for the shower and get started on some work.

Showered and feeling a bit more relaxed, I made my way downstairs. I saw Buffy sitting at the counter upon entering the kitchen.

"Hmm, hey Will…" she said absently, her eyes fixed on some papers in front of her.

"Nothing…" I said before turning around and looking in the fridge for a bottle of water.

"Right as rain." I said sarcastically, bringing the bottle to my mouth. "Couldn't be better." I said in a lower voice before heading for the living room.

She didn't follow me into the living room, for which I was grateful. At least, I was at first. Then I was annoyed again. Then ashamed at how I acted in the kitchen. It was as if we were feeding off of each other somehow. She didn't notice me so I got pissed. Then she would notice me and I'd act like nothing was wrong, instead, ignoring her. It wasn't working. I was just as much a cause of the tension between us as she was. Hell, if it hadn't been for me ripping her from heaven, or whatever peaceful state she was in… but I don't like to think about that.

What I really wanted to do was to just tell her how I really felt about her. How I'd felt since the first day I met her. Then I would at least be relieved to have gotten that off my chest when she finally decided to never talk to me instead of us dancing circles around each other. Nothing was like it used to be. Everything had changed and it wasn't fair and I hated it. Hated myself most of the time. I was the reason Buffy was back and miserable. I was the one who got addicted to the magicks and made Tara leave. I hurt Dawn. Everything was my fault, and I just didn't know what to do about it. I didn't know how to make anything better.

I turned around to face Buffy, becoming aware that I had been standing in the center of the room with my bottled water for who knows how long, thinking.

I didn't say anything right away. To be honest, I wanted to blurt everything out. Really tell her what was up and why I was acting the way I was and how I felt about how she was acting too. But I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to make it worse than it already was, which was pretty bad, not to mention all my fault.

Instead I did a half shrug and a half nod before flopping on the couch and picking up the remote. I had every intention of coming down here to do some work on my laptop, but it didn't look like I was going to be able to.

"Will…" Buffy started, taking a gentle seat beside me. "Obviously something's wrong. You know you can talk to me right?"

HA! What a laugh I thought that was. Talk to her? Queen of the "I don't talk to my friends anymore, let alone acknowledge them half the time" wanted me to talk to her.

I wanted to, very badly. But I was so scared of what the whole thing would turn into. How much do I tell her? How far would I go?

I didn't say anything, opting instead to look at my feet, as if something interesting had sprout on the ground and grown up around them. We were both quiet for a while and although she was right next to me on the couch, and I could see her out of the corner of my eye, I could feel her more than anything. There was something about her that had made me accustomed to her scent, her texture, and the sounds she made. I could sense her presence.

I was about to open my mouth to say something, anything to have this moment over with before I started to lose it. I really felt like I was going to do something drastic, like yell, or cry, or kiss her. But I didn't get a chance because she put her hand on my knee causing me to jump a foot off the couch before saying,

"Willow , I… I guess I'm really the one who needs to talk…" She was really nervous. "We really need to talk."

I just looked at her with this stupid stunned expression on my face. I couldn't believe she actually wanted to talk, to me. She hadn't wanted to talk to me since we brought her back, especially like we used to. How best friends are supposed to.

"I know we haven't, we haven't exactly talked lately, and… um…" She didn't go on, just looked away, thinking of what to say.

I could tell she was really struggling with whatever it was that she needed to tell me. My resolve to get out of this situation, to run once again, faded as I saw the fear build behind her eyes as she began to speak.

"I-I um," She closed her eyes momentarily, and took a deep breath. "This is really hard for me, Will."

"H-his chip doesn't work?" I asked shocked and dropped my bottled water. "Oh crap!"

I bent down and grabbed my water before too much could spill on the floor. I looked back at Buffy, her head down in her hands.

"I, I asked Tara to check the spell, to make sure I came back right. She said she couldn't find anything wrong. But I just don't understand why I let him do those things to me. I keep saying it's nothing and then I go back and I… I can't believe I'm sleeping with Spike!"

She put her face in her hands after telling me all this, and I thought she was going to cry, but I think she just didn't want to see the look that was plastered across my face. I was horrified. Utterly shocked.

"You? and Spike? Y-you… you're… sleeping? Not like sleeping… but, naked kind of…? Oh…"

"Will…" But she said no more, just kept her hands in front of her face, shielding herself from me.

I felt so bad for her. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold and tell her it was ok, that I was still her friend and she'd never have to worry about me not being there. That, although I hadn't been the most reliable person lately and had a problem with the magicks, I was still her friend, her best friend and would always be there for her. I didn't do any of that though.

First came the horrible shock that Buffy would sleep with that evil, soulless thing that had tried to kill all of us more than once, who would still try, if it weren't for that chippy in his head. Then the anger came in floods and waves, literally knocking me off my butt.

"You're sleeping with… no, no… that's such not a good term for what you too must be doing…" I spat at her.

She looked up shocked and dismayed that I would act this way. I felt terrible but still the words came out.

"How could you?! Spike?? H-he's tried to kill you, kill me! A-and Xander and everyone else! He talks about eating us all the time… a-and if it weren't for that damn chip in his head he probably would! How in the hell could you Buff? Aargh! Ohh God…"

I realized how hurt she was, how weak and shaky she seemed standing there looking at me, pleading for me to stop with her eyes. I didn't think I'd ever seen her looking so vulnerable before.

"I… I just wanted to… feel, something… Since I got… back… I just haven't…"

"I know…" I bit back bitterly, recalling all the times I felt invisible around her since bringing her back. "It's all my fault…"

"Oh please, Buffy… it was me who brought you back… brought you back from heaven… you don't want to be here. And you hardly acknowledge me when I'm around…"

"Oh no? You're banging Spike so you can feel something, Buffy! You don't talk to any of us! Don't want us around! We used to do everything together, and we all still need each other and I-I've been dealing with all this… and now you… and I don't know what to do… a-and… and it's all so… everything's changed! You were happy and peaceful a-and I… I made you miserable again!"

"Don't you realize I love you, Buffy?!" I sputtered out and immediately I was sorry for saying it.

There was an awkward silence between us as she eyed me closely. We had both said I love you to each other plenty of times, but this time I meant it differently, and I was scared that she knew that.

She seemed to chew on what I had said, as if tasting the words before deciding if she liked the meaning.

"I… I love you too Will. You know that. You're my best friend… and that will never change…"

"It already has…" I said firmly, running a hand through my hair, desperate to find the right words.

"I… Willow…" She stepped towards me, the first movement either of us had made since facing off against each other.

"Spike!" I yelled, throwing up my arms. "You want to feel Buffy? You really want to feel something? Then why are you fucking a dead man?!" I was fuming.

"You don't even realize what's right in front of you. What you could have, what you always could've had."

She touched my arm in concern. I was so upset that I was practically digging my nails into the palms of my hands. I looked at her, our eyes meeting for the first time in what seemed like forever.

Confusion, followed by a wave of realization flooded her face. Her eyes drifted from mine to somewhere on the wall behind me. Her mouth formed a small "O" but no sound came out.

Mentally I smacked myself for even saying anything. I thought things had changed before. We were definitely in for some changes after my little revelation.

"I… I… Uh… I can't… I can't do this…" I said finally turning from her and fleeing to my room.

What? I was so confused. I just looked at her, tried looking in her eyes to gain some sort of understanding. She was standing in front of me, fuming, clenching her fists and I felt like such the dummy. I had no idea what she was talking about. I watched as the horror flooded her face. She wanted to back-peddle, take her words and eat them, but it was too late. The words took form, breathed air, and then practically knocked me on my ass as if a sledgehammer was hitting me.

Full out realization. I think my eyes might have gotten wider, and I tried to speak, but I never heard sound come out. I couldn't look at her, simply letting my eyes drift across her face to the wall behind her. There was this eerie silence, which, I of course, broke with the best of the English language.

"I… I… Uh… I can't… I can't do this…" She replied before bolting out of the room.

I couldn't say anything. I was totally stunned. I must have been glued to the floor too because I just stood there, staring in front of me where Willow 's face used to be. I wasn't focusing on anything in particular, I couldn't because I was frozen with fear and realization that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life… er… lives, whatever. No wait. Make that, two mistakes. I slept with Spike. Was technically, still sleeping with Spike. And Willow…

I was about to round the corner, ready to take the stairs two at a time when the doorbell rang. Screech. Blinding halt, and yet another room for a mistake. Do I ignore the door and run after Willow, forcing her bedroom door down if need be so that we could talk, I could beg for forgiveness, and then declare my undying love and devotion to her? Or, do I answer the door like a moron?

I figured, with my luck, it would be important. I glanced back up the stairs once more before cursing under my breath and opening our heavy front door. Of course, answering the door like a moron is so much better. A moron with mystical superhuman powers whose been in love with her best friend for years, a best friend who happens to be gay, who happens to feel the same way it seems, and whose ex-girlfriend was standing on my porch. Ah, my life… never a dull moment.

Any other time I wouldn't have been shocked at all. Tara drops by every now and then, especially to see Dawn. But at that particular time she was definitely a shock to see.

"Oh! Come on in." I invited, making a welcoming gesture with my arm, which was way more welcoming than I ever intended.

I decided that sometime in the near future, I really needed to work on my reflexes. Not moving or speaking when I should and doing things like welcoming Tara on board for the show were not my best moves of late.

She held out a Cd that I didn't even recognize. I raised my eyebrow, shifting my gaze from the Cd to her.

"uh, um… i-it was with my cds…" She had this quirky little half grin on her face. "Uh… w-well I borrowed it when you w-w-were…"

Oh. I nodded, understanding that she meant when I was dead. When I was dead… and other tales of the Slayer. That could be a good book someday.

I reached for the Cd and said, "Oh, you didn't have to. I mean, I didn't realize…"

I left this last word dangling in mid-air as I noticed her fingers slide over mine. It was a gentle touch that could convey so much. At first I thought it was just an accident, but the look on her face told me differently. Maybe it was just a friendly reassurance, especially since she knew about Spike. Or, or maybe it was… My eyes shot back up to Tara 's. Was she flirting with me?

We stood there for a few silent moments before I attempted to up my status even further as a moron.

"Well, did you wanna…?" I made another gesture for her to come inside. Mentally I was smacking myself silly, preferably with a rubber fish, cursing the whole time. All I wanted to do was get to Willow and straighten everything out with her.

She looked behind her and I followed her gaze to a red Honda Civic with what looked like two girls in the front seat.

"Oh, well… ok." I said, stepping back from the entranceway, ready to close the door.

I glanced at her, mentally staking myself for even opening the door in the first place.

She gave me a reassuring smile before leaning closer and said, "Call me… i-if you want to… uh, need to… talk…"

I stood with my back against the door, my gaze stretching up the length of the stairwell. I wasn't as gung ho about leaping up those stairs to Willow as I was before. I was terrified. Not only that, but I was a little stunned at Tara 's actions. Or maybe lack there of. I didn't want to let myself believe that she had come on to me, even in the subtlest way. I couldn't help believe however, given the look in her eye, and of course, my own experience in the flirt department, that that was exactly what she had done.

I felt beads of sweat form on my brow, my upper lip, and the back of my neck. All of a sudden my hands were clammy. I fanned myself with the Cd case Tara had just given me. My stomach was turning itself into all sorts of neat knots and the saliva in my mouth had mysteriously evaporated. I tried to put off any thoughts of Tara out of my head, especially the ones involving me and Willow . I had had too many nights of hearing them go at it, while alone, I wished I could be apart of the fun. All thoughts must focus on Willow .

There was nothing I didn't want more than to be with Willow . I would do any amount of begging she demanded in order for her to forgive me. Forgive me for everything. Not just sleeping with Spike, although, I have to admit, that is definitely the biggie. But also for everything she accused me of earlier, because she was right, I hardly acknowledged her, any of them for that matter. I could never hate my friends. Never ever hate Willow , no matter what.

But some days, some days I couldn't stand to be around them, couldn't stand to be here, not while knowing what I was missing. Other days though, most days, even if I didn't know how to tell them, I was getting much better at being back. After all, I was with Dawn, and I knew she needed me. And Willow. Always Willow . I've died twice, and both times, my two best friends have brought me back. When I was dead… and other tales of the Slayer indeed.

I finally started to make my way up the stairs. Slowly though, each step like a tiny mountain. The closer I got to the landing, the more my stomach flopped, the more my hands sweated, and the more my mind screamed ohgodohgodohgod. I could hear music throbbing from within Willow 's room. She had it turned up so loud I could feel the vibrations through the floor as I stepped into the upstairs hallway. I couldn't make out the song until I got to her door. I just stood there, listening for a moment.

It's been awhile
since I could say that I wasn't addicted and
it's been awhile
since I could say I love myself as well
it's been awhile
since I've gone and fucked things up
just like I always do
and it's been awhile
but all that shit seems to disappear
when I'm with you
but everything I can't remember
as fucked up as it all may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again…
why must I feel this way
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

I knocked on her door a few times, waiting patiently for her to respond. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. Hoped yes, but I still knew that what had happened downstairs was a major ripple in our already strained friendship. I silently cursed myself for being such a putz to the one person in the whole world I definitely did not need to mess things up with.

"Willow ?" I tried, leaning into the door, feeling the vibration of the treble and bass against my hands. "Will?!" I said louder.

I don't know if she couldn't hear me over the music or if she was just ignoring me. I'd like to pick option number one, but it's probably a better bet for two.

I could break the door down easily if I wanted to, but that was no way in my future plans.

I knew the song was going to end soon, and I hoped she'd relent during the short silence that would follow.

Finally, sweet silence, even if only for a few short seconds. "Please Will! Don't shut me out!"

"Go away Buff-." She flatly began, and then the blare of another song swept up between us, cutting her off, and making it clear to me that I needed to give up the fight, at least for now.

I sighed heavily and said, "Ok Will," as I slid my fingers across the cool material of her door, before I moved on down to my room.

I threw the Cd Tara had given back to me on my bed and grabbed my jacket. I should have been out on patrol already and I figured this would give Willow some time to calm down and maybe decide to talk to me again. Dawn had already asked me if she could go to a movie with some of her friends and I relented of course. And why shouldn't I? I'm never here anyway.

It was dark, slightly breezy, and I was in a cemetery looking for something to kill. Destruction girl, yup that's me. I didn't want to spend a lot of time out here though. Stake a couple of vamps, get a little dirty, and then head back to the house to have that little heart to heart with Will that would smooth out the creases between us and heal all wounds.

But who was I kidding? I knew things were different between us. Different since I came back, was brought back. Different since they all found out where I really was. Different now that I was sleeping with Spike. Or, no. I guess maybe sleeping with Spike was just a byproduct of the different-ness. And now Willow knew and she hated me and probably wouldn't ever speak to me again and therefore, I would once again lose the opportunity to finally be with her. Just like I did when Oz left because I was too rapt up in Riley and still trying to kill all those naughty feelings I had, er… have for her. Can we say, sigh.

I slapped my trusty stake against my open palm, whistling a sort of come and get it tune.

I was standing in the middle of the cemetery, stake in hand, just waiting for a good fight when I heard him behind me. Oh great, just what I needed.

He came up behind me, his face close to my neck and his arms going around my waist. I wanted to move, I wanted to turn around and glare at him for assuming he was welcome to me, for assuming I would just open my legs and let him stick me anywhere he wanted. I wanted to put my hand up in his face and blow him off. Not, like blow him…

None of this I did though. I simply stood, motionless, letting him slide his cool hands over my jeaned butt and my cottoned stomach. He nuzzled my neck, whispering his seedy needs into my ear. He proclaimed he knew what I wanted, what I needed. He assumed he was the only one who could give it to me.

His fingers whispered over my breasts, catching my nipples, disappearing again up my neck, down my thigh. I felt his tongue on my earlobe, his stiff pole nudging my backside. I felt that familiar want to abandon myself and let him have me start to flood my senses.

All I could do was stand still though. I wanted to flee, to be done with him for good. And still, I stood frozen in place, that shameful arousal crawling up between my legs. I found myself caught between a sick and twisted passion, a need to feel something that I thought only he could understand. Caught between that and Willow 's words.

"You really want to feel something?" She had shouted. "Then why are you fucking a dead man?!"

Her words hurt. Repulsed, disbelieving, angry, and hurtful words, yes, but the truth. A truth that slaps you hard in the face and wakes you up from a self-induced nightmare you had convinced yourself was salvation. Fucking a dead man.

"Oh! Spike, no… get off me!" I finally shouted, reacting, breaking away from his embrace.

He didn't say anything for a moment, choosing instead to measure me up. He probably thought I was just playing with.

"You heard me, it's over. It was a mistake and I don't plan on repeating it again."

"Yes, you do." He said stepping closer to me. "I make you feel… down here…" he finished, grabbing the waistband of my jeans and tugging them toward him.

I pushed him away and glared at him. He looked at me, confusion and hurt battling for territory over his slightly pale features.

All I could think was how if I had a normal life I would not have to experience so many very weird and disturbing things.

"You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me… like being with me because you enjoy getting beat down."

I just shot him a look. I had heard all this before, but yet, here we were again, having the same old conversation and I was so tired of it.

He grabbed me. Hard around the waist, digging his hands into me, and attempted to pull me into a kiss. I tried to push him off, tried to turn my head away from his kiss, his seeking tongue.

"Ugh… No! Spike, ugh, get OFF!" I screamed bringing my knee up into his groin.

He released me immediately and fell to his knees, holding himself. I gave him a swift kick to the chest, toppling him, just for good measure.

"You… don't… ever… touch me… again…" I panted, leaning over his groaning form, my forgotten stake back in my hand. "If you try… to… to… if you don't leave me alone… if you don't… I promise I will stake you…"

"You'll be back slayer." He said softly, bringing himself up onto his knees, one hand still holding his bruised balls.

"Not likely, Spike." I said as I walked away from him, confident that I really would stake him this time if he came after me.

I walked out of the cemetery in the direction of my house, in the direction of Willow .

There was an awkward silence around us as we stood there, the moths flying around and bouncing off of the porch light. I wasn't sure how she'd respond to my actions, but I couldn't resist.

"Well, did you wanna…?" She made another gesture for me to come in, but I had other plans.

"Oh, well… ok." she said, stepping back from the entranceway, ready to close the door.

I gave her a sympathetic look. I really was concerned about how the situation with Spike was going. I knew she was struggling with it.

I gave her what I thought might be a reassuring smile before leaning closer to her and saying,

I meant it, but in so many other ways too. I wished I could just be bold with her, be bold with all of them. I was so damn shy though; I couldn't help it. There are all these thoughts floating around in my head and then I open my mouth and I spit and sputter until I sound like an idiot, and then I just can't say anything.

I stood on the porch a moment, trying to decide whether or not to knock again and this time take Buffy up on that offer to come inside. I sighed and walked back to the car where my two newly acquired friends from the glbt group on campus, Casey and Claire, were waiting for me.

I got in the back seat of the car and leaned forward, resting my head on Claire's shoulder where I savored the sweet smell of her apple blossom shampoo.

I smiled shyly. Casey and Claire were definitely not shy like me, which I liked. They were bold with their statements and didn't care what people thought of them, as I often did.

"Yeah, I can really see it…" Claire started, "I'd do her." She smiled back and me and winked.

"Well have you asked?" Casey eyed me in the rearview after pulling out into the street.

Agreed Claire. She was holding a slushie in her hands and started sucking on the straw, bringing the red liquid into her mouth.

"Well maybe you should ask Willow about it." offered Casey, raising an eyebrow at me in the rearview.

My mouth fell open. Was she serious? She didn't honestly believe that I'd ever get up the nerve to ask Willow . She'd flip. She'd be hurt and angry and probably throw me out, or throw something at me. I didn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore, but I still wanted to be friends, eventually. Besides, I had gotten to know Buffy these last two years and I was pretty sure there were never any girls in her past, or going to be any in the near future.

Not only that, but I was pretty sure if Willow did know different, that she would have mentioned it to me at some point. Plus, there's the whole Buffy freaking out when Will told her about us thing. Some of that was Spike playing them off each other, but Will did have serious concerns about it. No, I was almost definite that Buffy was permanently in guyville and would not be heading my way anytime soon. Hell, she probably wouldn't give me the time of day even if she did bat for both sides.

"Well… I mean come on. You wouldn't have to do a love spell or anything, just like…"

"No!" I shouted, sitting up, my head right beside Casey's. "There is no way. I told you about all the crap I had to put up with w-when I was with W-willow and I won't use magicks on Buffy."

Casey looked hurt and a bit shocked that I had been so vehement. Neither of them had really seen me mad. That was the only time I seemed to be able to throw off my shy demeanor.

"Sorry Tara … I just thought…" Casey shook her head. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean…"

"Bite me…" growled Casey, trying to hide a smile from creeping around the corners of her mouth.

I just looked at her questioningly. I knew she might be developing some sort of a plan. She smiled, winked, and turned back around to face front. I wondered what she could possibly mean. I did want Buffy. Badly, in fact. Part of the reason I left Willow was because of my increasing feelings for Buffy after we brought her back. I was lusting after her in ways that made me blush, and on more than one occasion I caught myself openly watching her, my eyes roaming over those strong smooth legs, her chest rising and falling, her lips moving as she spoke. Living in the same house with my girlfriend, who I cared for immensely, still do, and lusting after her best friend, who's house it was we were actually living in… the whole situation did not make for anything of the good.

I lay my head on the headrest and looked out the window, knowing the ride to Casey's, where we had planned on hanging out for the night, would be awhile since she didn't live in Sunnydale. Claire popped in a Bjork Cd and turned up the volume. Good choice, I loved this cd.

"Ooh… gotta listen to my fave first." stated Casey, hitting the seek button for the proper track.

"Ooh yeah!" Agreed Claire, "this song makes me horny!" She laughed and looked back at me, winking as the song began.

I wish I'd only look
a-and didn't have to touch
I wish I'd only smell this
a-and didn't have to taste
how can I ignore
this is sex without touching
I'm going to explore
I'm only into this to
enjoy… enjoy… ohh… enjoy… enjoy…

The song made me think of my latest fantasy with Buffy. Not so much the lyrics, but the beat. The drums, rhythm, almost like having sex, when I got into it, my heart would start to pound just a bit harder, by breath would quicken. This was one of the Cds Willow and I would listen to during our lovemaking sessions that often stretched out the entire night. I have to admit, when it came to sex, Willow and I sure connected. It was Buffy I often thought of these days though. Buffy, naked in my arms, under me, on top of me, Buffy's golden locks, tanned skin, Buffy, her body stretched out in front of me, against the wall, Buffy…

standing in front of me, moving slowly, swaying her hips to a silent tune, her arms stretching towards me, inviting me, welcoming me…

I go to her, shyly, as always, my feet deep in wet grass and I realize we're outside at dawn, the sun just under the horizon, throwing light into the deep blue of the night sky. Her arms are warm, soft, and there's the sweet smell of vanilla and spices and something else, something Buffy… I find myself sliding my hands down her sides; our faces close, sharing the air we breathe. Our lips touch gently, break away and go back for another swift brush of softness before breaking away yet again. She presses her cheek against mine as our hands meet and we entwine our fingers.

We stand like this for a few moments, neither of us speaking, or moving, just close. Then, all of a sudden I feel her break away and I fear I've lost her until she slides her hands up the sides of my neck, her fingers tight under my ear, and my face close to her. She assaults my lips then, tasting them, opening them with her tongue before exploring my mouth. I open willingly to her, wrapping my arms around her waist and feeling my way up her back. We kiss deeply, passionately, tasting each other. Cherries and mango and mint combine to make the most luscious taste between us and I feel my knees go weak with want.

We fall to our knees, groping, clinging, kissing and sucking, melding into each other. Distantly I hear birds, feel the sun begin to warm the ground while our burning bodies lay out on the grass, clothes melting away to tingling hot flesh. Fingers on rosy erect nipples, grazing stomachs and thighs. Mouths and tongues exploring breasts, ears, and necks, searching and finding and searching again.

Her moans fill my ears, soft at first, then throaty, urging, wanting, demanding and surrounding as I descend the length of her body. The scent of her wet sex invading my nostrils, sending ripples of need to my own throbbing center. Her thigh is a sheet of muscle, yet soft, smooth and I lay my cheek against the inner most part, inhaling deeply as I eye the glistening drops of her juice clinging to soft her soft curls.

"I want you so bad Tara." she tells me, wrapping her fingers in my hair as I bring my face, my mouth, my tongue closer to those shiny wet curls, those swollen lips.

I sit up, opening my eyes, blinking at the bright lights flooding in through the car windows.

I looked out the window and realized we had stopped to get gas and Casey must have just finished pumping it.

"Oh… uh… um… No, I-I'll go in too." I said, opening my door. "I think I have to u-use the bathroom."

I fled to my room. I didn't know what else to do after seeing the look on her face. I was angry, scared, embarrassed, and so much more. I felt flooded with absurdity. I locked myself away, throwing on a mixed cd I had burned recently and cranking up the volume. I didn't care how loud it was, so long as I could drown everything beyond my bedroom door out. As long as I could drown out my own torment.

I sat on my bed, clutching my reliable pillow to my chest, and rocked myself back and forth, trying to sooth away the torrent of emotions boiling within me. I couldn't help the tears that freely flowed down my red cheeks and dropped onto the pillow, spreading and soaking into the smooth cool fabric.

How could I blow up at Buffy like that? How could I be so angry and then say those things? I was supposed to be the best friend, logic girl; the one person she could trust to forgive all of her wrongs, and I always had. People make mistakes; I was a walking testament to that, and Buffy had definitely made some mistakes in the past. Sure, maybe sometimes I had been mad at her, but I've always forgiven her. That's part of the best friend job description. It's in the manual!

Forgiveness was not the only issue I needed to deal with though. My stupidity would be a nice start. How could I tell Buffy my secret feelings for her? Not that I had come out and told her that I had been in love with her since we met or that I fantasized about her, had dreams about her, thought about her when I… No, I hadn't said all that, but I was pretty sure she got the idea from what I did say, especially given her reaction. Stupid. Very Stupid Rosenberg . As if things weren't already tense around here, I just had to throw more fuel on the fire.

I don't know how long I sat there, staring at the floor, rocking back and forth and holding a tear-stained pillow against my sobs, letting music create a barrier between me and everyone else.

I didn't respond. I was petrified, thinking there would never be a good way to handle all of this, the humiliation, the anger, the loneliness, and the rejection. And that was the reason why I never let my feelings show, never told her how much she really meant to me beyond all forms of friendship, why I clung so tightly to Oz and Tara. It was her ultimate rejection that scared me into silence, into shoving the need for her deep down inside where no one could touch it, where I could almost ignore it. Denial was a job I was good at. I could sit in class and not look at her, not stare at her smooth toned legs or the way the sun lit her highlights into a dance that would mesmerize. I became real good at ignoring all the things about her that made my blood boil, sent shivers down my spine, captured my heart, squeezing until I was out of breath.

She was right, but that didn't mean I wanted to. It didn't mean I would like myself any better for messing everything up. For acting the way I did tonight, for adding to the tension between me and Buffy. And it certainly didn't mean that I would ever forgive myself for doing magicks on Tara to keep her beside me, keep her close as a distraction against my feelings for Buffy, or my guilt I saw reflected in her own eyes when she looked at Buffy in a way I was all too familiar with. Talking wouldn't erase the shame, or erase the guilt, and heartache.

I got up, leaving my damp pillow behind, and walked to the door. I thought maybe I would just give in and open it, confront her, confront all our problems, and confront my own hidden passion for her. Talking would definitely be a step in the right direction, thank you logic girl, but that still didn't mean I wanted to.

I pressed my forehead up against the door with my eyes closed, my right hand flat near my head.

"Willow !" I heard her shout just as the song ended, shattering the precious ability to ignore with silence.

And in the end, could I ever really shut her out? Buffy was my lifeline. Ironic that she was dead for nearly 6 months and yet she above all else still kept me going. She was right, we needed to talk and I needed to finally tell her everything, finally get all of this out of my system, finally come clean to the one person that had caused me to hide all these years. I just couldn't do it now. I needed time to think, to breath, to get myself under control.

The next track came on, breaking the silence once again, and if Buffy had a response I didn't hear it, but she didn't knock on my door any more.

Time passed and I took no notice. Songs by the likes of K's Choice, Ani Difranco, Ferron, and an assortment of others started and ended with little thought from me. These were my favorite, and generally I would be really into the rhythm of the music, singing along, every word memorized. But instead I felt lost, only faintly aware of the tunes as they filled the empty void for minutes at a time. I sat against the wall, knees drawn up to my chest and my eyes closed.

I don't know how long I sat there before I realized how quiet it was and that my butt was numb. I got up, rubbing my sore ass and decided to chance a bathroom trip.

I stared in the bathroom mirror at my swollen eyes, red lips, and messed hair. I made faces, trying to smile, trying to pretend that I could be something other than a coward. I wasn't convinced.

"Get over it girl. It's high hairy time you faced this." I said to my reflection. "Yep, darn tootin'."

"Crap." I whispered, before saying, "Uh, just uh… just a minute." Oh God, oh God…

She rushed passed me and closed the door before yelling, "Movies! I'll tell you in a minute!"

I decided that it would probably just make things worse if I went and locked myself in my room. I also figured that given more time, I would just become a much more cowardly lion. NO, I just needed to go downstairs and talk to Buffy. That's right Rosenberg , resolve face time.

"So good! You gotta see it! I-it was like so cool with all the people coming back to life and going after the government agent people! A-and they were like, all nasty monstery and some had like, skin hanging off them!"

"Okay…" I took another sip of my Coke. "Dawn don't you get enough of all that gross stuff living on the hellmouth?"

We were in the kitchen, sitting at the counter. Dawn was telling me of the movie her and a couple of her friends from school had gone to see and I was using this as a perfect opportunity to not think of the more pressing issues at hand. Buffy wasn't there, probably on patrol, and I can't say I was entirely unhappy, even if I did know we needed to have a major talk.

"Well yeah… but mostly it's funny ya know? 'Cause like we've seen real monsters and vampires and in the movie it's just, I know it's make believe. I-I mean, the movie stuff, not like, hellmouthy stuff. Ya know?"

"Uh…" I nodded, not sure if I followed her. "So tell me Dawnie," I leaned closer to her, "Just how much candy did you have tonight?"

It was getting late but I figured that she would probably stay out later than usual given our argument or rather, her confession and my explosion. I sighed heavily and drank more of my Coke.

"I know. But… I… I don't think that that would be such a good idea… I mean… for us to… get back together."

"Of course Dawnie. But… there are sometimes things two people can't fix… a-and sometimes love just isn't enough. Or sometimes, it's… it's not the right kind of love."

She looked at me quizzically for a few moments and I was sure I'd have to explain that more in depth.

"So… you guys love each other, but… because of like, the magic…?" She didn't finish, just looked at me for answers.

I was a little hurt that me and Tara 's breakup, and all our problems could be blamed so easily on my use of magicks. Of course, I was fully aware that I did have a problem, was dealing with it, and could also admit that I did royally fuck up where that was concerned.

"Well… my magic use definitely had something to do with it… a-and yes… I wouldn't listen to her… but…"

I had to pause and choose my words. I knew Dawn and Tara were close and I didn't want Dawn to get the impression that I wanted to blame Tara or bad mouth her. I just wanted her to understand the whole situation better.

"Sometimes," I continued, "there are people that you are just better at being friends with. That's… that's kind of how it is with me and Tara. I-I do love her… a-and she means a lot to me. I owe her a lot and I want to be friends with her, I was sad when she left, but I know now that, that it's for the best. There were things in our relationship… other than the magicks… things before the magicks even became an issue that… that shouldn't have been…"

"Okay. If I tell you something, you promise not to tell anyone?" I asked, knowing she would love to hear a "secret" but that it might be hard for her to keep it.

"Oh! A secret?!" She was excited, leaning forward and ready to receive whatever dastardly bit of information I was about to reveal.

"W-well… uh… besides some other things that… that I don't want to get into right now… um… we were both… attracted to um… well to other people."

"No… no, no, no… We were very much attracted to each other. Believe me… but… I knew she was attracted to B… uh… to some uh… other girl. And I-I was uh… too… um, attracted to uh… someone else. So much so that it caused jealousy and accusations and arguments."

"Well, we didn't air all our business for everyone. I-I would hope there were a lot of… uh… other things you didn't… hear… either…"

"W-w-well…" she stammered, "S-sometimes… But oh my God! You guys were like… so loud sometimes!"

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. She was so cute and excited. It felt good to laugh. It felt like I hadn't laughed in so long. I really needed this release.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" I said, holding up my hand in front of me. "Oh… that felt good." I said finally getting my laughing under control.

"'Cause sometimes I thought she was looking at her, like… like you guys looked at each other… before… I mean…"

And she was right. Smart kid we had here. I always suspected Tara had a thing for Buffy. I had been there so long myself, I could pick up on it pretty easily. But after bringing Buffy back, and living in the same house with her, it had become extremely obvious that Tara was lusting after her. I thought it was just me who noticed. But I realize that Dawn sometimes gets shoved aside, forcing her to watch from the outside, and apparently she's become a really good observer.

I guess I really have perfected hiding my own love and lust for Buffy since Dawn hadn't asked if she was the one I was attracted to.

"Come on Willow … I know my memories are supposed to be fake ones the monks created for me but… I've always known you loved my sister."

Can we say… what the hell? How did she know? I was sure I hid it so well. Who else knows? Oh of course, Buffy, because I basically told her and she hates me and I guess none of it matters now anyway!

"W-well… of course I love your sister… she… she's my best friend a-and I love Xander too but I don't want to uh… do stuff… I mean… not anymore… 'cause… um…"

But I saw the look in her eyes and I knew my babbling was a lost cause. I knew she knew and there was no denying anymore. And what was that I had just said about it not mattering anyway?

She smiled victoriously at me, showing a lot of large white teeth. She was gloating!

"Yup!" She shouted cheerily, jumping down from the stool and heading out the kitchen.

I followed her into the living room, where she turned to me with a genuine smile on her face.

"Willow… I love you. And I love Tara . And I love Buffy. I just want all of you to be happy. If you and Tara are happy together then that's what I want. But if you can't be happy together, like you said, then I don't want you two to get back together because you guys won't be happy anymore…"

"So, if you guys are happier not together then I'm good with that. I don't know if Tara loves Buffy. Do you think she does?"

I felt my heart start to sink. Did she want Buffy and Tara to get together? Of course, it wasn't like I had a chance anymore. But Buffy wasn't into girls, I think. Let me stress I think. There were a couple of times I wasn't sure.

I had to shake my head to clear my thoughts. Does Tara love Buffy? I honestly didn't know. I always simply assumed she just wanted her in a sex way.

I looked at her and nodded. I could feel the fears that I had tried to ignore while in the kitchen with Dawn come shooting to the surface again. Yep, officially terrified again.

"Well, I'm just thinking that it makes so much sense for you guys to get together. You and Buffy, Tara and Buffy. I don't know…"

I followed her gaze and saw a shadow of someone on the porch. I thought it was probably Buffy and felt relief. Relief bordering on outright fear.

I looked back at Dawn who, for the first time, I saw as a rapidly maturing young woman and was finally struck with the knowledge that she was the same age that I had been when I fell in love with Buffy. She yawned, stretching her arms up and behind her head, before passing me and heading for the stairs. She stopped at the door and looked through the peephole.

I wondered what she was doing. I wanted to open the door, make sure she was all right, that she wasn't hurt. But this panic that was rapidly spreading its wings over my entire body threatened to immobilize me, to force me into another retreat where I would hide and deny and force Buffy away. I had done that too long already. It was time for action girl and it was going to have to be now or never because in truth, if I waited any longer, I really would be back in my room, probably under the bed, and unwilling to come out for days forcing Buffy to finally break down the door where she would find my rotting dead hand sticking out from under the bed. Okay, bad bad thoughts. Clear head and focus. Come on feet, work.

I made my way over to the door, and although it a very short distance, It still felt like it took forever. I could imagine myself walking in thick mud, every step harder than the last. I looked through the peephole and saw that she was sitting on the porch, slumped against the post. Oh Goddess, she's hurt! Or, wait no. She wouldn't be on the porch, she'd be inside getting help, and I know this. No, she's scared to come inside. Oh, she's scared of me I bet. Scared I'll yell at her again. Or maybe she's not scared maybe she's angry. Oh boy…

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. This was it. I gripped the doorknob, turned, and opened the door as quietly as possible. She didn't know I was behind her. She must have been distracted because generally, with Slayer abilities and all, she would have heard the door open, or sensed someone there.

I stepped out onto the porch, pulling the door shut behind me. She straightened up when she heard the click, knowing now that she was not by herself.

"Buffy?" I said her name almost in a whisper, but I knew she could hear me. "A-are you… all right?"

I couldn't tell if this was going to be good or not. I did have a feeling though, that this was going to be an even longer night than it already was.

I walked down the street, my house in my sights. I slowed up, apprehensive about the facing off with Willow . I knew she was angry with me, knew she was disappointed. And now, I knew she had feelings for me. I wish I had known. I was feelings guilty for wishing I had known how she felt sooner because of all the great things I thought about her sexually. How sad is that? Fantasizing about your best friend in the most intimate ways? I shook my head with the thought of all the times I had orgasms with Riley or Spike, wishing it were Willow . Seeing her face, feeling her body, her hands, her tongue…

Coming to the porch I couldn't help think briefly about Tara and our meeting earlier. Had she really come on to me? I had almost convinced myself that I had imaged it, but the look in her eye gave me doubts. I wondered as to what all that was about.

I could hear voices from inside the house as I neared the door. I paused, trying to listen. I knew it must be Dawn and Willow , but couldn't make out what they were saying. At least Willow wasn't locked in her room with the music blaring. I decided to sit a few minutes on the porch before heading inside. Just a few minutes to gather my thoughts, I promised myself. I sat on the top step, leaning the left side of my body against the post and eyeing the darkened street.

Clearing my head and gathering my thoughts wasn't as easy as I had hoped, however, as I found myself thinking of all the times I had over heard Willow and Tara making love. I was desperate to right things with Willow , the discussion ahead being the most important thing. My body had other ideas though, as I realized that as in as much turmoil over the whole situation I was in, I was frighteningly aroused, causing my brain to bring up all sorts of mental images, with the sounds of Willow and Tara 's cries ringing in my ears. The memory of the first time I heard them taunted me and caused my heart to race just a little bit faster…

I'm in the shower, letting the hot water massage the tension out of my shoulders and wash the grime of a rather nasty night patrolling off of my skin.

A group of five vampires, mostly newbies, but some were pretty strong. The first three were quick and easy, it was the last two that gave me a run for my money. Nothing like a good ol' game of outrun the Slayer to get my blood pumping. After I staked the first three the others just up and ran. But I wasn't in a mood to play; I needed a good fight. I took off after them, catching up to one easily. I tackled his legs, bringing him down. He kicked at my chest, sending me sprawling, but I corrected myself before he had a chance to completely get on his feet. He whirled, one fist connecting with my stomach, the other my jaw. This one was quick. I staggered back only to see him about to run again. I sprinted, catching up and jumping on his shoulders, bringing him down for the last time. I dusted him easily, driving my stake through his back.

I saw the last one disappear behind a mausoleum and I took off after him, jumping over several smaller tombstones. I rounded the corner only to have him lunge at me, knocking me on my ass, my stake lost from the blow. We struggled, throwing punches, pushing and pulling. I finally managed to break free of his strong hands on my shoulders, and drove the heel of my palm up into his jaw before hitting him again with a swift swing to the side of his face. He toppled over, holding his head. I got up quickly, kicking him in the stomach before swiftly surveying the area for my stake. I spotted it by one of the nearby tombstones and dashed for it. The vampire had gotten up and growled before dashing for me. Either he was really stupid or didn't realize I had regained my stake, because he ran right into it, dusting himself.

I recalled Faith's remark about slaying making her hungry and horny and I couldn't help but agree wholeheartedly, especially nights like these.

I step out of the shower, the thick steam swirling around me and the cool air creeping up my bare legs, working it's way over my body, making my nipples hard. I towel off, brush my teeth and then my hair. I slide my robe back on, the plush fabric feeling soft and inviting against my warm worn skin.

That's when I hear them. Soft whimpers from behind the bathroom door, the one connecting to Willow and Tara 's room. I glance at the door, uncertain of what to do. My brain screams to ignore, to go to my room and sleep. But the sudden jolt of arousal through my body has me frozen in place, unable to make a decision.

I step closer to the door, turning my head slightly and listening to the sounds of their lovemaking. Soft whispers and moans overlapping in a symphony of desire and pleasure. It's all I can do not to open their door and watch. I turn instead, my back pressed firmly against the door, fully aware of the sweat that has broken out all over my skin, in part from the steam still heavy in the hot air, but mostly due to the growing heat between my legs and the knowledge that what I'm doing is wrong, it's not right, it's… it's so turning me on.

My breath quickens, my heart rate increases, and the familiar throbbing of my sex sends a low gasp from my lips. Quickly, my hand flies to my mouth where I clamp down, keeping my own noises out of this. Their moans grow slightly louder, interjected with loud gasps. God bless Slayer hearing. I hear whispered names and pleas for release, sending waves of desire over my own flushed flesh. Not able to stand it any longer, I slide a shaky hand into my robe, grasping one of my breasts, my fingers teasingly sliding over the stiff peak. I close my eyes and clench my jaw muscles, willing no sound to escape.

I massage my breast and pinch my nipple harshly with my back against their door; their moans grow steadily louder with the passing of pleasure's time. Almost before I realize it, I've moved my other hand into my robe as well, gripping my closely shaven mound.

I plunge two fingers between my slick swollen lips bringing my hot liquid up and over my hard button, and commence to assault it with short hard strokes.

"Yesss…!" Willow gasps as I nod vigorously, my eyes closed tight, caught up in my own intense pleasure.

This is far more erotic than anything else I've experienced which only fuels the fire burning under my hand that much more. I feel the tension in my stomach swell and am forced to bring my other hand away from my sore breasts and hold it tightly over my mouth to hold back the gasps. I arch forward a little, my butt pressing hard against the door still, bracing myself as my legs begin to shake.

Their moans are much more intense now, I can tell Willow must be close. The thought of what she must look like causes a searing ache to race up my body from my center, almost pushing myself over the edge. I slow myself, prolonging it. I want to wait for Willow . I want to hear her, come with her. Momentarily I'm struck with the thought that I must be one sick puppy. The thought fades quickly however as I hear Willow 's moans become loud, erratic, and demanding until she shouts out again.

I can't help but speed my own fingers up, sliding up and around my throbbing knot.

I was snapped out of my memory by the sound of the front door closing. I knew who it was. My senses were on overload due to Slayer mode and extreme arousal. I could smell her herbal shampoo and that expensive cream she wears.

"Willow…" I whisper back. There's so much I want to say all at once, yet all I can manage is to whisper her name.

"Talk. Yeah, we need to talk." I say, knowing that this night would probably change both of our lives, whether for good or bad.

We left the porch and returned to the soft glows of our house, moving into the living room, the scene of our previous battle. There was no sound, save for an occasional car passing on the street. We sat on the couch, both of us firmly against an arm, facing each other, but not looking.

I drew my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and placed my chin on my knee. Buffy sat Indian style, fiddling with her house key.

Neither of us knew where to begin I think. I could see the sadness, doubt, and regret play across her features just as surely as I knew she could see my own emotions on mine. After all the time we had spent as friends, after all we had shared, all the disagreements and make-ups, after all the things we had been through, still, here we were unable to face each other and draw enough courage to simply talk honestly with each other.

But honesty is a tricky thing. I had always thought of myself as an honest person, and I would never lie to Buffy, but in truth, I had been hiding my real feelings, and essentially, not only lying to myself, but to her as well all these years. I had to find my courage to be honest now for all the times I hadn't in the past.

I took a deep breath and said a short prayer that this thing between us would be ok, that everything would work out.

I took another deep breath, as if I the oxygen in the room had gotten mysteriously thin since we settled on the couch.

"Ok. First off… I'm sorry. Sorry that I said all those things to you and went all kablooy over you… uh… sleeping with Spike. I… uh, it wasn't my place… and I realize that now… A-and I uh… well I was a real bitch and could have been more understanding and instead I just went off at you and Buffy I'm really, really sorry I acted that way!" I finally got out in one long breath.

"I'm not mad at you. God knows I probably would've acted the same way in your position. NO, I know I would've."

"A-are you… sure?" I asked, feeling guilty still. Where was my punishment? I was sure I was going to get a lecture on how it was none of my business and she could have sex with anyone she wanted. Eww, sex with Spike. I don't even want to think about it.

"Yeah, sorry. For… for a lot of things. The whole thing with Spike, not telling you what was going on. For not… ya know… being the best friend, or even a good roommate."

"But Buffy, I mean… a lot of that… I mean, some of it's my fault too, especially since I…"

"Will, I shut you guys out. You and Xander are my best friends and once upon a time you knew about everything. Yes, it's been hard being back, but I know why you guys did it and I don't blame you for anything. It hurts to be here sometimes, but I'm dealing with it, I'm getting over it… and Willow … maybe… maybe this gives me a second chance. Maybe you've given me a second chance."

What second chance could she mean? She had already saved the world more times than I'd wish to remember, sacrificed herself for Dawn, for all of us, been the best Slayer.

"Yes." She said simply, and then looked down at her hands where she continued to flip the silver key between her index and middle fingers and thumb.

"Will, what did you mean before when you said I'd rather be with Spike than you?"

And there it was at last. I knew we were getting close. I could feel it. Tell her the truth I screamed at myself. And of course I would, I had to, but surely she knew what I meant by that statement. She's been out of it for the last couple of months, but she didn't come back stupid.

I sat there with arms wrapped up around my legs as if in protection, eyeing her, trying to figure out what she wanted to hear, where she was going with this. But I knew that regardless what was on her mind, there was a question there that I had opened up in a fit of anger and confusion and the only thing I could do was answer it.

After another long pause, I softly said, "I meant… Exactly what I said Buffy."

"I-I…" Another deep breathe, letting it out slowly. I seemed to be doing that all day. "A-Ok, I'm going to say this because it's long overdue, a-and because I told myself upstairs that it was time to be brave and get it off my chest… a-and this is really hard and I'm scared you'll be mad or hate me… but I-I…"

She leaned forward, touching her fingertips to my trembling hand, forcing me to meet her eyes briefly before I shot my gaze to the space between us on the couch.

"Just tell me." She said with an encouraging and soft voice that I hadn't heard in a long time.

"No Buffy… I… I'm in love with you." I glanced at her, meeting her eyes briefly once more.

Ok, hold up, wait a minute. I must be losing it. No, I'm dreaming. I'm still upstairs sleeping and any minute now large carrots will sprout from the carpet and frogs will attack.

I looked up at her again. Concern clearly displayed across her face, but there was a faint trace of a smile on her lips.

"Uhhh…" Is all I could get out because I was utterly speechless. Okay, one good pinch just to make sure. OUCH.

I shake my head. I'm awake and this is real. Buffy just told me she loved me, was in fact in love with me. I should be all Woo's and Hoo's. So why am I all, Oh boy's and trembly?

"Willow… Please say something…" She pleaded, wrapping her own trembling hand around mine.

I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, how long I had loved her, thought about her, wanted her, how long I had waited for some sign from her that she felt the same way, knowing that she never would. I wanted to reveal all my insecurities, my doubt, shame, and guilt that I had built up over the years, built up because of her and the overwhelming love I had for her.

She must have picked up on my doubt, my insecurities never too far from under my skin, because out of nowhere my best friend, the Slayer, the woman I adored above all else, was kneeling in front of me and pressed her lips to mine in the softest, sweetest kiss I had ever known.

Her lips pressed against mine, warm and tender, caring lips with no pressure or expectations behind them. A simple caress that I knew was her way of telling me she was serious, she meant every word she said, and that I only needed to trust her. And of course I trusted her. I trusted her with my life, and always had because she had always shown just how much she cared, risking her own life in order to save mine. Goddess, how much I loved her.

I opened my lips, inviting her to deepen the kiss. I felt the tip of her tongue on my bottom lip, as if testing, tasting and I met it with my own tongue, flicking it gently. We deepened the kiss further, inviting the stored passion to pour out between us, as our tongues slid over each other in my mouth. I squeezed her hand tighter, bringing my fingers between hers. I brought my other hand up to the back of her head, sliding it into that glorious soft hair, and pulled her closer to me as I pushed her tongue back into her mouth with mine, tasting her, roaming with a need to be inside her fully.

After a few long, intense moments we broke from the kiss, pressing our foreheads against each other, breathing heavily. My heart was pounding in my chest. Finally, after all these years, after everything and everyone we'd been through, finally we were doing what we wanted to do all along. Neither of us spoke for a few minutes, enjoying the closeness, the rhythm of each other's breathing.

I couldn't believe I had actually gotten up enough nerve to kiss her. I've wanted to do that forever, or well, since I met her. She has the sweetest taste, perfect lips, and God she's a good kisser. Really wish I could of found that out a long time ago, I wouldn't have had to deal with Riley. Ugh, what a bad kisser he was.

She's in love with me. She really is. What were the odds that two girls, two best friends, would be in love with each other for six years and never know? Not once did either of us confront the other, talk about it, or even slip up and say or do something embarrassing and revealing. Not once in six years could I, the mighty vampire slayer, get up enough courage to simply tell Willow how I felt.

I looked at her, our faces no more than a couple of inches apart. Her eyes were closed and we were both trying to get our breathing under control. Her heart was beating just as fast as mine. I wanted to kiss her again, take her in my arms and carry her upstairs, make love to her all night and maybe all of Saturday too. But I knew there was probably more we needed to talk about, and I wasn't too sure I wanted to rush right into things, even if it was evident that our love and passion for each other was true.

She gave me a warm smile with those lips I had dreamt of kissing for years and now finally had. Oh what a lucky duck I was.

Her face fell slightly and I knew I'd have to work on fixing all those insecurities she had about herself that seemed to resurface shortly after Tara left.

"Way better. By leaps and bounds better!" I said laughing gently. I cupped her cheek and leaned forward, giving her a soft kiss on her cheek. "You are so beautiful." I whispered pulling away from her again.

"Hey… listen to me. Will you are so beautiful, I mean… come on, you're hot!" She blushed an even brighter shade of red.

"Yeah, this. You and me… I-I've wanted this for so long and now I'm…" She laughed more out of embarrassment than anything else.

"Buffy, ever since I met you, I've wanted to be… with you. I-I mean… not be… in the biblical… or um… well ok… like that too… but… I-I mean… I've wanted this for so long and we've both changed so much and I guess it's stupid really… I-it's just that, I-"

"Sure. You're nervous, a little scared maybe, that we've been best friends for so long… and you're right we both have changed a lot… that… that you don't want to rush anything, you don't want to ruin a chance that we could have together… finally"

"Don't worry Will, I don't want to rush anymore than you do. I want to be with you. I want to work all this out and spend my life with you. That's all I've ever wanted."

"But Buffy… why didn't you… I mean, when I told you about Tara and me… why… why didn't you then?"

"I was stupid. I was so wrapped up in Riley… wrapped up in him to escape and bury my desire for you, I might add, that I was totally blind to the pain you were going through when Oz left. When you told me about Tara … I don't know… part of me just figured I'd missed another chance. While the other part of me just freaked out because you liked girls when I always thought I never had a chance because you were… ya know… always straight. I was blown, actually."

"Then it hit me that, hey! you really did like girls," I continued, "and that you really liked Tara… a lot, and I knew I couldn't mess with that. I knew that even if I just told you I liked girls too, which I admit, would've saved a lot of confusion as to whether I was ok with your new choice in date material, but… but I knew that if I told you that, even out of friendly reassurance, that I would spill the rest, and I didn't want to complicate things. I didn't want you to think that I expected anything from you because I knew you liked girls now. Does that make any sense?"

She looked at me for a few silent moments, peering at me with those round dark eyes, a smile growing around the corners of her mouth.

"I know… I've wanted to ever since you came out. There were so many times I wanted to… I don't know… just let you know… let you know you weren't the only gay one around here." I finished with a chuckle.

I laughed softly, nodding my head. I clasped my other hand over hers and wondered if I should tell her everything.

"I figured." I responded with a similar grin. "Well, simple story. I was always kind of interested in girls. There was this girl that lived down the street from me and we hung out after school, watching TV… ya know, stuff like that." She nodded, urging me to go on. "Well, she told me that her parents wanted to move to Kansas , or something like that. I think her Dad's company wanted to transfer him or something." I shrugged, not really able to remember. "Well, anyway, the day before they were supposed to leave she was at my house, per usual, and well… she kissed me. It wasn't anything big… not very good… but it was… nice, soft. First time I kissed a girl. I wanted to do it again and again, but she had to go and I never could figure out exactly what all that meant."

"Yeah, like… one minute we're saying our goodbyes and I'm telling her to write and the next we're lip locked. It was really very confusing."

"Well," I continued, "Nothing. I realized I liked girls and felt really bad about it all summer, and then I dated a few boys at Hemery and I… I mean I was interested in some girls… but come on… you know how high school is…"

She rolled her eyes before she said, "Oh please, I was like poster child for awkward nerd… Ooh… with a sign that said 'pick on me'"

"Oh! Okay, okay…! So where was I? Oh yeah! Then I met this beautiful redhead and fell madly in love and thought that she was as straight as they came, not to mention she was head over heels in love with her best friend who was just as blind as the rest of them." I beamed at her, seeing the blush rise in her cheeks again.

"Because he was my only friend. I loved him like a brother, and I thought he would be the boy I married and had babies with. I just thought we were supposed to be together."

"Mmm hmm… and all that kissing?" I arched my eyebrow at her, daring her to explain all that.

"Hmm… well, lets just say a mix of emotion, unrequited love, and a dash of lust… Hey! We're talking about you here Missy, not me!"

She pursed her lips and brought her hands away from mine, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Okay, okay…" I caved, bringing her arms back to me so I could hold her hands again.

My head shot up and my eyes must have been as wide as silver dollars. How the hell did she get to that conclusion?

Her mouth fell open in disbelief, although she must have always suspected. Okay action girl, jump in and explain any minute now.

"First off, I really didn't sleep with her… I've never had sex with a woman, period. okay?"

"Okay. We um… did stuff though. Ya know… one night…" I chanced a glance at her before returning my eyes to my empty hands. "Okay, well, more than one night." I finally said in defeat.

She really wanted to know all about me. But I couldn't blame her. She thought she knew everything about me, and now all of a sudden there was a whole past she didn't have a clue about.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to push. I guess I feel a little overwhelmed. There really are a lot of things I don't know about you, huh?"

"No… not a lot… Just this kind of stuff. Faith and I… there was never anything there. You remember when she made that comment about slaying making her hungry and horny?"

"Oh yeah… how could I forget. You said you usually would eat a yogurt… or um… something like that."

"Well… you know how I usually go right for the refrigerator right after patrol, or any fight…?"

"Yeah. So there were a few nights after we were done patrolling that we uh… ya know… made out and um… well she wanted to have sex… and I couldn't, not with her. Hell, I had only slept with Angel… and you know how that turned out. Not a great ego boost. So, you know… boyfriend losing soul, combined with Faith not being the girl I wanted to uh… do the wacky with… well… I just couldn't. Finally I just stopped going back to her place with her because I knew where it was leading and I knew I didn't want to go there."

I never told anyone that before and I wasn't sure how Willow would take it. But instead of getting mad and leaving, or sulking, or doing anything that I feared she would, she simply shrugged and wrapped her hand up in mine again.

"Of course not, silly. That was then and this is now. You didn't know she was going to go all psycho and try to kill us."

"Because she knew, she knew I loved you and I wouldn't be with her like she wanted."

Willow put her legs down, stretching her left one out beside me on couch, and pulled me into a hug.

"I love you, Buffy." She whispered, gently brushing her lips over my ear, sending shivers through my body.

"Yes, but now I know you feel the same way I do." I finished with a wide smile, pulling her into my arms tighter, never wanting to let her go.

I gently released her from the hug, and held her by the shoulders, staring into those deep green pools.

"Willow , you know I never count. I never even think about it. It's instinct, protect and defend the ones I love. Kill the things that threaten or harm them."

"No Will. Slaying isn't just my job. Giles always points out that it's my destiny, and that's true. But, I slay because of you. I slay to protect you and keep you safe. You and everyone else I care about. You're my life Will, even if I never told you how I really feel before tonight. Slaying is my life, because you're my life."

She continued to look at me without speaking, as if lost in my gaze. Then I saw it. Her bottom lip started to quiver and her cheeks flushed a soft red before the tears began to fall.

"I-I'm sorry…" She whispered, "It's just that… what you said… that was so… Geeze Buffy… that was so sweet."

I stroked back, letting her gently cry on my shoulder. I didn't want her sad, and I certainly hadn't meant to make her cry.

I rocked her in my arms gently, loving every second of the contact, and kissed her head softly.

"This is a great day Buffy. Regardless of anything else that happened today, this is the best day ever!"

And with that she threw her arms around my neck and pulled me into another passionate kiss, our bodies pressed hard against each other, our lips crushing and sucking for all we were worth.

She can't do this to me. I'm a bloody animal! A Goddamned monster and I demand a little respect! I'm not some poor little puppy dog she can kick around. I'm not a free ride she can pump for information and a good time!

I opened the door, not even bothering to knock. I heard voices in the living room and only had one guess as to whose they were. I closed the door and walked into the foyer, turning to see her and Red on the couch.

"This is a great day Buffy. Regardless of anything else that happened today, this is the best day ever!" Shouted Red, and pulled the Slayer into a tight embrace, which interestingly included a very heated kiss. Ooh, with tongue. What in bloody hell was going on? They didn't even hear me come in, so wrapped up in their own little… whatever they were doing.

"Bloody hell!" I growled. That should get their attention. The Slayer and me had some unfinished business.

Her hand flew up and punched me in the nose, sending me a few steps back. I knew she liked it rough, but in front of the witch?

I shrugged, "You always like to start with the fighting. Maybe it's you that gets off on the pain, eh Slayer?" I grinned at her, trying to cover my bleeding nose.

She was being a real bitch tonight. I decided that I would just have to try harder.

"You sure you wouldn't rather me stay?" I said slyly, glancing up the stairs. "Red can join… if that's what you want."

Again with the fist, only that time I caught it in my hand. I smiled at her, daring her to make another move.

She kicked me in my shin and I howled out in pain. I released her hand, fumbled back, and grabbed my leg. I looked up and saw that Red had come up behind Buffy, scowling at me.

Anger burned in my undead heart. Did she really think she was just going to use me and toss me out with the dogs while she played little miss homemaker with the lesbo?

I reached out and grabbed Buffy around the waist, pulling her to me in an angry, hungry kiss. Of course she fought, she always fought at first.

"Hey!" I heard the witch shout before she brained me with some bleedin heavy book.

I released the Slayer from my grasp and on instinct I swung my arm around, slamming it into Red's stomach, sending her flying into a small table. Instantly my head seared with red-hot pain. I grabbed my head and sank to my knees, yelling in agony.

I was angry but I hoped I didn't hurt her too much. I did kind of like the little firecracker.

I looked up just in time to see Red pull a bloody hand from the back of her head before the Slayer pulled me up by my neck, squeezing tight.

I wrapped my own hand around her small hot neck, forcing my grip on her. I wasn't going to be taken so easily in this round.

Her hold was so tight I didn't think I could speak at all, and that's when I saw the long piece of wood in her other hand. My eyes went wide and I eased my grip on her neck considerably, but I didn't let go.

I scrambled, trying to break from her grasp, I made terribly gurgling noises in protest. I released my grip on her neck completely, thinking she would let me go then. I guess I pushed her too far for the last time.

"Buffy…?" I heard the little bit say before the flash of wood entered my chest.

And that's the last thing I remember the woman I loved telling me before I exploded into a cloud of dust. Bloody shame, that was.

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The Spaces In Between

By Red Willow

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