I Just Thought

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: All characters and reference to belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and all them other peeps. I'm just using them to make my own fun. Girl/Girl lovin', you no like, you no read. All story ideas other than btvs canon and original characters are solely from my perverted little mind.

Distribution: Um...ask.

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Pairing: Willow/Buffy

She mourns Tara still. And she's in love with Buffy. But she won't tell me that. She won't tell me, because she doesn't think I can see it. She doesn't think I know whose name she whispers in her sleep. She doesn't notice me looking at her, when she's looking at Buffy with that total devotion and absolute love.

I wonder if Tara knew. She must have. She must have been able to see the love that Willow has for our champion, chosen slayer. Maybe Tara was able to live with being second in Will's heart. But... I'm not so sure I can. I've seen so many pictures of her and Tara together, and they looked so happy, so in love... and I do believe they were. I know Willow loved... loves Tara, but no one can convince me that its not Buffy she's always longed to be with. I've seen those pictures too and I can't help but wonder if Buffy knows Willow's feelings.

Buffy's a great fighter. She's strong and determined... but she can be a real bitch sometimes. I think that's why I like her so much! These other girls... I don't think they like the idea of being the next slayer. They're scared. I'm not. I want to be a slayer. I've been training for it for... well, for a hell of a long time now and I'm ready. I don't mean I want Buffy to die. I'm good to just fight alongside her for now. But when the time comes, I hope I'm chosen. I know I got what it takes.

But I don't think I have what it takes to be Willow's girl. I want to be all that I can for her, but will she let me? Will she let me in far enough and open her heart to me? I'm doubtful. She's had pain. A lot of pain and I've had... well a whole wing to myself to mess around with a couple of girls from school. I've never had love though. Not true, intense, earth-shattering, do anything for love. Not like Willow had with Tara, not like she has for Buffy.

I want that. And why shouldn't everyone want that? I'd love to have that with Willow. To know, that when we hold each other, that when we make love... its for real. I want to know that when I tell her I love her, that she feels the same way I do, and that she isn't just smiling, and agreeing because she knows its what I want to hear. Or because it's what she wants to convince herself of. I don't think I'll ever have that with her though.

I would love to know if Buffy knows. How fucked up would that be? And poor Willow. To be in love with your best friend who can't return the feelings because you don't pack the right equipment. Gender is stupid. Granted, I'm not much for the boy parts myself, but... well, I would still love to know if Buffy knows. Geeze, I wonder if Xander knows.

Don't think me completely wrong for this, but... I had a look in Buffy's diary. I didn't even think she kept one. She doesn't really seem the type to have time for that. But I guess being the slayer sometimes you just have to let some stuff out. Well, she sure does in that little book. Very interesting read, let me tell you.

There's all sorts of stuff about strategies and fighting techniques she wants to try with us potentials. And she's scared shitless of The First. I guess she's scared of getting killed and taking all of us with her. She really does have the weight of the world on her shoulders. Lousy line, I know... but its true. And after reading some of her entries, I wonder if I'm really cut out to take her place. She legendary. I'm... well, me.

But, what caught my eye, were the few references to "old reliable." Seems they've been seeing each other for years and no one's known. How can you date someone for that long and hide it? Why would you hide something like that? Unless... oh wow, I wonder if she's dating another vampire. She seems to have a thing for vampires and her friends don't really like that fact.

I don't understand it either. She's a slayer. Slayers kill vampires... they don't fuck them! But apparently there's history between her and Spike. And we've all heard the story of Angel. Oh Angel! Swoon. Yeah right... I'd love to see this guy. He can't be all that. Oh! But that makes sense. She must still be seeing Angel and wants to keep it a secret, because she knows no one would like it. Though, if you ask me, you'd think they'd all get over it by now. According to her diary its been going on for like, four years!

He must come into town pretty often too, because according to her diary, Buffy and "old reliable" are "together" pretty regularly. And I'm very doubtful that they're just going for mochas and shooting the shit. He must really be something. I wonder if Willow has any idea that her beloved slayer is banging "dead boy," as Xander likes to call him.

Willow says she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I didn't tell her about the diary though; just that I thought Buffy's been seeing someone for a while that no one's supposed to know about. Funny though, Will really didn't probe me for more info. I guess she was too into her research to really process the information.

I did ask Buffy about it though. Well, I didn't ask directly. I more... baited her into answering some non-specific dating questions. I think she thought I was asking her out at first. She told me she wasn't seeing anyone. She told me that the last relationship she'd been in was with some soldier guy that up and left her when she needed him around the most and then turned up a year or so later with his wife. Ouch.

So I questioned her about Spike. She told me that she wouldn't classify what they did as dating. Sounds like they were just simply, fuck buddies. He is kinda hot... for a guy! None of this answered my questions about "old reliable" though. And I'm sure as shit not going to ask her about her diary. I'm curious, not suicidal.

The more I think about it though, the more I think Willow knows what's going on. You can't tell me that they've been friends all this time and Buffy's been able to keep this mysterious reliable person a secret from her that long. And what about Xander? You know, he's a hell of a lot more observant than people give him credit for. And Dawn. Little sisters always know a lot more than their older sisters like to believe. I know this from personal experience.

I think I'll have a little talk with Dawn. And maybe ask her to lend that cute little shirt she was wearing the other night to Willow. She'd look really hot in that...

Dawn was no help. Neither was Xander.

Both of them were very adamant that Buffy and Angel were not an item any longer. I'm not so sure I believe that, but if it's not Angel, then who? I'm not even trying to envision our slayer carrying on a four yearlong lust festival with Xander. And if anyone even mentions Giles I'll barf right here. That's a seriously disturbing image.

Maybe I'll just give this little pursuit up. It was wrong of me to look in Buffy's diary in the first place. Just because it was sitting right there on her night table, calling to me as I put away her clothes, didn't mean I should I read it. I realize this now. Curiosity killed the cat after all and Buffy can certainly wield that large axe rather well...

And why am I always getting roped into laundry duty anyway? Just because I'm sharing legitimate smoochies with Willow doesn't mean I get to be laundry wench. Although... I must admit, smoochies with Willow is worth much more than having to lug a basket of clothes up the basement stairs and fold towels. But I'm getting way off track here, aren't I?

Where were we again? Ah, yes. Willow's in love with Buffy. Buffy's seeing some secret "old reliable" person, and I'm addicted to smoochies and lickable Willow freckles. And Dawn's looking awfully good in those tight jeans lately. Ack!

Bad, bad Kennedy!

Okay, so truth be known, Willow and I haven't exactly mastered the fine art of lesbian love making yet. Yet. We've done it like three times. But it seems like so many more in my head. Me and my damned naughty fantasies. Sometimes she doesn't even want to sleep in the same bed as me because of all the other potentials lying around. There might be too much temptation for us to do the wild tango under the covers and that wouldn't be cool with the young ones on the floor. She has a point, but I miss her when she's gone. She sleeps with Buffy, who is very lucky to have her room to herself.

I wonder if they had a lot of sleepovers when they were younger. I wonder if she always relished the time they spent in bed together. Two innocent teenaged girls, having a sleepover, enjoying late night movies and popcorn, telling secrets and their hopes for the future. I wonder how many times Willow wished she could lean over and kiss Buffy. Geeze, I wonder if she ever tried it and Buffy's known since then how Willow feels. Gotta be tough, knowing your best friend knows you're in love with her, and still never being able to have her.

Nah, Buffy probably doesn't know. Knowing Will, she's kept it a secret all this time. She wears her heart on her sleeve though and it's easy to see, if you're looking close enough, who she really loves. And that knowledge really does pain me. Willow's pretty damn awesome. She's sweet and caring and sexy and smart and... did I mention sexy? I think I love her. I mean, I think I really do love her. I know its not been that long. I've only been here a month or so, but... we've shared so much since then. That whole Warren mess was enough to capture my heart. She has it if she wants it, but I know hers will never truly belong to me.

Despite what I want, and despite how I feel, I want Willow to be happy. I'd like to see her as happy as happy can be, if that means not being with me, then I can accept that. I don't like it, but like I said, I'd rather her be happy with someone else, than less than happy with me. I just wish I knew how to give her what she wants most of all.

I'm sure Tara knew. I wonder if they ever talked about it. Willow still misses her, mourns her. I told her she didn't have to forget her, and I meant it. But how did Tara break through to Willow like that? How did she get past the want and need Willow so obviously has for Buffy? I guess I'll never know. Never find that out from Tara at least...

I cannot believe what I just saw. I just can't believe it. I don't know if I'm more shocked or angry... or hurt. Maybe I was dreaming. Maybe I was sleepwalking and my head was doing funny things with Buffy and Willow and that's why I saw them naked and tangled up in Buffy's bed.

I just wanted to see her. Just wanted to make sure she was okay. I'm protective like that. I didn't think... I mean, the thought never occurred to me that they'd be... doing... that.

I think I need a drink. A large, stiff drink to calm my nerves, because I don't know whether I should scream or run or hit something or cry.

I guess I know why she wanted to sleep in Buffy's bed. Fuck me! How did I not see it before?! How could I miss something like that? It was pretty damn obvious Willow and Buffy knew what they were doing. Yeah, I watched for a minute or two. You would too if you had cracked the door where your girlfriend was supposed to be sleeping with... as in closed eyes, snoring, and dreaming, not screwing... her best friend. There was no sleeping going on in that room. They were naked, moving against each other, and moaning in pleasure. Mouths and hands and thighs and tongues... And Buffy telling Willow she loved her. She loves her. Willow loves Buffy, and Buffy loves Willow. And they were... together, as if they'd been doing it... for years.

If Tara knew how Willow felt about Buffy, did she know about this?? Did she accept the secret relationship and hold up her end by loving Willow and taking what she could get from her? Is that what I'm supposed to do now? Take what I can get and try to pretend that I don't know what's going on? Can I do that?

Can I?

I guess I know who "old reliable" is now. And if you ask me... she ain't so reliable after all.

I wonder if Dawn's still up...

The End 

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