Dispelling the Darkness

By Red Willow

Copyright © 2003

butchlybear@gmail.com

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: All characters and reference to belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and all them other peeps. I'm just using them to make my own fun. Girl/Girl lovin', you no like, you no read. All story ideas other than btvs canon and original characters are solely from my perverted little mind.

Distribution: Um...ask.

http://www.papa-bear.com/RW/     http://mysticmuse.net

Feedback: I thrive on feedback!

Pairing: Willow/Buffy

Summary: Willow suffers from a mysterious disease that's waging war against her body and mind. Meanwhile, a distraught Buffy must come to terms with her true feelings for the redhead.

Buffy took a clean cloth from the cupboard and held it under the running cold water, soaking it. She wrung it out and took it back to Willow's bedside where she wiped the redhead's face softly, letting the coolness of the damp washcloth linger on fever flushed cheeks. Her fever had spiked again and although there was an ice mat under her, Willow still tossed and turned against sweat-dampened sheets.

"Geeze Will… you're not looking so hot." Buffy spoke softly, more to herself than to her friend.

"I know you you're going to beat this… so you might as well just hurry up and do it…"

A few short hours before, Willow had been almost peaceful, sleeping soundly while Buffy continued to hold her hand.

The sun had set and Buffy knew she needed to go on patrol. She waited for Xander to show up so that he could sit with their friend until she got back. Just a few short sweeps and nothing more. Vamp activity had been pretty low in the weeks following the Slayer's best friend's try at ending the world.

Xander had arrived and tapped on the glass, indicating his arrival before beginning to don his own protective wear.

The Slayer looked up and nodded. Turning to Willow, Buffy brought the redhead's hand to her face and kissed the back of it softly.

"I have to go now Willow. Patrol you know, help keep the world safe. Don't have too much fun without me."

She stood to leave when Willow's hand clamped down on her own. Buffy looked at their hands and marveled at the force with which Willow held her. The redhead's eyes were still closed but a slight grimace had appeared on her face.

"Will?" Buffy leaned closer to her friend, their faces mere inches apart.

"Don't… don't leave…"

"Will… can you… are you there?"

"Here." Willow responded, still not opening her eyes. She squeezed Buffy's hand again as if to demonstrate that she was indeed aware of what was going on.

Xander slid the glass aside and stepped in to see Willow mouthing words he couldn't make out. Buffy was practically bent over the redhead, listening intently.

"Is she?" Xander asked.

Buffy nodded and Xander came up beside her. He put his hand on top of Buffy and Willow's entwined fingers.

"Xan…" Willow whispered.

"Yeah baby… I'm here."

For a few moments no one said anything. Buffy and Xander both held their breaths, hoping their friend would say something else.

"It's coming… soon there'll be nothing… nothing left… of me." Willow finally said, her voice a raspy whisper.

Buffy and Xander looked at each other, wanting to believe that the witch was merely starting to hallucinate or talk gibberish again. Both knew however, that Willow probably had a very good idea what she was talking about.

"Shh… Willow…" Xander started, but the tears that welled up threatened to spill and he couldn't help but turn away, forcing the lump back down his throat.

Buffy kissed Willow on the forehead and tried to sooth her with quieting whispers in her ear.

"Xan… clothes fluke… you look good in a tux…"

Xander turned around, tears evident on his shiny cheeks.

"What's that Wills?" He asked, not understanding the reference.

"Tara…" She whispered, ignoring Xander's question.

Buffy and Xander glanced at each other, scared to address the matter. They both wondered if maybe in her dazed state she had forgotten the reason she went psycho to begin with.

Buffy didn't know what else to say. "She's… she's not with us Will…"

"I know… they use her voice. It calls for me to follow. But I know… her light's not welcome there. The black… so much… darkness…"

Again Buffy wasn't sure what to say. She held Willow's hand, aware that the grip on her hand hadn't let up.

"I'll be a ghost again…" Willow said with a hint of a smile on her lips. She grimaced before coughing harshly. Xander grabbed some ice chips and let Buffy feed a few to Willow.

"Nice…" She admitted. "But it… won't let me. Nothing left."

Xander was on the verge of not being able to take much more. He couldn't tell if Willow knew what she was talking about and even though Xander thought maybe some of it made sense, the look of confusion on his best friend's face was tearing his heart out.

After a few minutes of Willow not saying anything else, Buffy turned to Xander.

"I guess… I should go on patrol now."

"Um…" He looked at Willow and saw the pained expression cross her features. "Are you sure you should?"

"Well…" Buffy looked back toward Willow who almost seemed to be pulling the Slayer's hand closer to her body. Buffy noted to the flushed cheeks of the redhead and realized that a thin sheen of sweat had developed there. "Maybe…"

One of the many monitors began to beep and Buffy jumped in response.

"What's that?" Asked Xander.

"Dunno."

Before either of them could leave to find a nurse, Melissa slid the glass door open and wandered in as she finished putting on her gloves.

She walked to the beeping machine and hit a button, silencing it.

"Wow. What timing I have tonight." The young nurse said.

"What was that?" Asked Buffy, studying the nurse's movements.

"Monitors her temp. Seems our patient's fever is back up."

"Oh…" Xander stepped back, letting the nurse work. "She was… she was just talking to us."

"Oh yeah?" Melissa asked. "And you understood her?"

"Something like that." Buffy offered.

"That's good."

The nurse had put an ice mat underneath the redhead to help bring the fever down and checked the rest of the equipment before leaving. Buffy told Xander she wasn't going on patrol and gave him an easy way out by asking him to check on Dawn even though Anya was staying at the Summers' residence with her.

Now, nearly three hours later, Willow was still suffering from the fever and Buffy hadn't left her side the whole time. Amazing though, was the fact that Willow had remained quite awake throughout the night. A first since they had admitted her. Buffy held that fact close to her heart, the newfound faith of her friend's recovery dancing around it.

"So I guess you're not going to talk to me anymore huh?" The slayer said, continuing to wipe Willow's brow with the wet cloth.

It had been a while since the redhead had said anything, whether about the "darkness" that was following her or one of the many references she made to the years spent together, most of which came from high school.

"I… I think something's happening… the battle still rages but… many of their knights are… falling."

Buffy sighed, wishing she could interpret everything that came out of Willow's mouth.

"Yeah… sometimes they do that." Buffy spoke softly, absently rubbing the back of Willow's hand with her thumb. She briefly thought back to when they had tried fleeing from Glory, only to have the Knights of Byzantium on their tail.

"Buffy?"

Buffy squeezed Willow's hand. "Right here love."

"Love…" Willow repeated the word and smiled.

Buffy sighed. Staying beside her best friend was becoming harder and harder to endure. All this time she had hoped and relished any waking minute Willow had. Now though, it seemed that Buffy found herself hoping her friend could fall back to sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. She didn't understand how Willow could be awake all this time, especially given the state she had been in the last couple of days, mostly sleeping and mostly restless.

"It wants me but I have spies keeping watch." She said and smiled again, almost proudly. "Love…" She repeated the word again and this time Buffy saw open eyes staring back at her. Though Willow had been waking and talking for the past 3 hours, she had hardly opened her eyes.

"Buffy?" She asked, looking up at the Slayer with questioning eyes.

"Yeah Will… right here." Buffy leaned down and kissed her on the forehead again.

"I-I'm glad… you didn't leave."

Buffy smiled warmly. "I'm not leaving you." She said simply.

"But… what about protecting the world… from… things like me?"

"What? No Willow…"

"You shouldn't be here." She stated simply, turning her head away from the Slayer, acting as if she had just woken up and realized for the first time that Buffy was beside her.

"Will…" Buffy started.

"A-are you here to make sure?" Willow asked.

"M-make sure…?"

"That I die."

Buffy was struck to the core of her with shock. She momentarily let go of Willow's hand, having felt the hand slacken when the redhead turned her face from her.

Buffy swallowed and tried to regain her composure. She picked Willow's hand back up and squeezed hard, bringing it to her lips, wishing she didn't have to wear the protective mask that blocked her kisses.

"You're not going to die."

"I'm already there…"

"No. You. Aren't." The Slayer said forcefully. "I don't care what you did and what this… thing is… that's trying to take you from me… but I won't let it… You're going to get better, and you're coming home with me where you belong!"

Buffy's rage at the sickness that consumed her friend had finally shown itself and she felt horrible for taking it out on her best friend. Not only that though, but these new feelings that had arisen in her lately had her head spinning. Calling Willow 'love,' constantly kissing her on the forehead or hand, telling her she was coming home with the Slayer where she belonged? Buffy tried to dismiss all of this and more as her reaction to her dying best friend who she loved and didn't think she could live without.

<Come on Summers, you've felt like this for awhile. Maybe it's time you admitted it.>

Buffy was brought out of her thoughts by a low scream from Willow. The witch writhed in pain on the bed, clutching both Buffy's hand and the bedsheet.

"Owwww… Ohhh… please!" She moaned loudly, her eyes shut tight against the pain and whatever horrible thing gripped her.

"Will!" Buffy tried to calm her friend down by putting her hand on her friend's back. But the pressure there only made the redhead howl louder. Buffy immediately pressed the call button for the nurse.

"Oh the horrible things I did!" Willow continued to lament, squeezing Buffy's hand. "Tara! Oh owww… the pain! I can't stand it… let me die let me die why won't it let me die?!"

The tears splashed down Buffy's cheeks as she stood over her friend's writhing and screaming body, realizing for the first time just how much her heart was breaking.


[ Willow sat on her bed, hair wet, wrapped in a blanket. Buffy stepped into the doorway and observed her troubled friend.

Noticing Buffy, Willow spoke up. "Is she okay?"

"She's sleeping. The E.R. doc gave her something for pain… it knocked her out."

"But she's gonna be all right?" Willow asked anxiously.

"It's a fracture… so, you know… it's gonna take some time.

Willow looked away not able to meet the blonde's eyes.

"God, I'm… sorry… I'm so…"

<God Willow… what happened to you?> Buffy thought before speaking. "I just don't understand. I don't understand why you'd go to see somebody like Rack… and I certainly don't understand why you'd drag Dawn into it."

"I don't know… The magic… I-I thought I had it under control… and then… I didn't…"

Buffy watched her friend struggle with her words, angry still at Willow's actions, but sympathy and understanding slowly wedging their way in.

"Because of Tara?" The Slayer asked.

"No. It started before she left." Willow paused, sighing quietly. <You've really messed everything up now haven't you?> She thought. "It's why she left."

Buffy thought about this for a minute, trying to figure out what she had missed. The couple has seemed so happy. Then she remembered the few short conversations she had had with Xander and Anya about Willow's magic use and realized, not for the first time, just how much of an absent best friend she had become.

"Seemed like things were going well…" Buffy said, despite herself.

"It was. But I mean… if you could be… you know… plain old Willow or super Willow… who would you be?"

The redhead looked at Buffy for answers, then realized she might be asking the wrong person that question.

"I guess you don't actually have an option on the whole… super thing." She looked down at her hands, feeling stupid.

"Will…" Started Buffy. "There's nothing wrong with you. You don't need magic to be special."

"Don't I?" Questioned Willow. "I mean, Buffy… who was I? Just… some girl." Willow looked down again, and lowering her voice she said, "Tara didn't even know that girl."

"You are more than some girl. You've always been more than just some girl to me."

Buffy walked into the room and stood near the bed.

"A-and Tara wants you to stop. She loves you."

"We don't know that." Willow said softly, barely able to meet the other girls' eyes.

"I know that. I promise you."

"I just… it took me away from myself… I was… free."

Buffy looked down pensively.

"I get that. More than you… But it's wrong. People get hurt."

Buffy sat down beside Willow on the bed, aware just one more time of how distant they had been since she had been brought back.

"If something had happened to Dawn tonight… something worse…" Willow's voice was almost inaudible.

"I know…" Nodded Buffy.

"No… I don't think you do… I mean… God Buffy… Last year I was willing to die to help save her… for you…" She shot a quick glance towards Buffy, remembering the quick kiss they shared before continuing. "A-and now… I-I… I was out of my mind, I… I almost… I did things I can't even…" She trailed off, not wanting to say the awful things that had flashed through her head.

Buffy placed a gentle hand on her best friend's knee, the blazing anger finally fading away completely.

"It won't happen again… I promise. No more spells. I'm finished." Willow decided.

Buffy frowned, thinking of her own night spent with Spike. It had been a mistake and she knew she could never do it again.

"Good. I think it's right… to give it up." Buffy started. An image of Spike moving against her flashed across her mind briefly. "No matter how good it feels."

"It's not worth it. Not if it messes with the people I love." She looked over at the Slayer again. "You and Dawn… Xander… you guys are my family… ya know? My parents don't care… I don't even know where they are right now… I… I can't lose you guys too… I already lost Tara…"

Buffy wrapped her arm around the Willow and pulled her close. The other girl leaned against her friend, her head on her shoulder.

"Family." Buffy agreed.

Willow closed her eyes and fought back the tears that threatened to spill. She was already feeling the effects of the withdrawal, wanting to do magicks, and it had only been a few hours. She tried to shake the feelings by continuing the conversation.

"The magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds… a-and the headaches and stuff."

"There you go." Nodded Buffy, squeezing her friend's shoulder softly.

"Or… keeping stinky yak cheese in my bra."

"Huh?" Buffy leaned sideways slightly and frowned.

"Don't ask." Added the redhead.

"Now I don't have to."

"'Cause it's over."

"Exactly," Agreed Buffy, "It's over."

The two girls sat in relative silence for a few minutes, Buffy's arm still wrapped around Willow protectively, lovingly.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"I really am sorry."

"I know Will…"

After another moment of silence, Buffy unwrapped herself from Willow.

"I uh… I really need some sleep."

Willow nodded in agreement.

"We'll uh… we'll take care of some stuff in the morning."

Willow knew Buffy was talking about all her magic supplies and nodded in agreement again before watching Buffy head through the door to her own room.

Buffy strung up garlic around her window in order to make sure a certain bleached blonde vampire she had slept with wasn't able to get in. She sat with her knees drawn up, wearing the same clothes she had been in all day, shadows crossing her face from the moonlight.

<Things have really fallen apart. And where have I been?> She questioned herself. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought about Willow hurting her sister. The image of a pleading and crying Willow on her knees savagely tore at the Slayer's heart. <She's in love with me.> She reminded herself. <She was willing to die for me, to die to help save Dawn when we were fighting Glory. She said she loved me above all else.> Buffy shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. <I kissed her. I wanted to kiss her and I did. She's never said anything about it though. I guess me being dead would have… maybe it made her forget.>

Buffy got up and began peeling away her clothes to get ready for bed.

<She brought me back. She risked… so much… probably her soul… to bring me back from the dead. She didn't know I was… I was in heaven… They had no way of knowing. She brought me back and I… No, I don't hate them… I could never hate her for thinking she was doing the right thing. And now… now she's addicted to magic and I never even noticed.>

She dragged a white tank top on, followed by light blue boxers and headed across the hall to the bathroom.

<I always said it never changed anything… and I thought… but now. Maybe knowing she's in love with me has changed things. Maybe it's changed me.>

Buffy studied herself in the mirror, remembering several occasions where she had actually questioned her feelings for her best friend. <I've almost kissed her before.> She thought, remembering when Willow had told her about Tara and the embarrassment that had flooded her at realizing just how close she had come to leaning over and placing her lips on the redhead's.

<Am I…? Do I…?>

Deciding to check on her sister, Buffy headed back up the hall toward Dawn's and Willow's rooms. She opened the door just enough to see that her sister was sound asleep, the arm encased in a cast on top of the covers.

Turning to go back to her own room, Buffy heard a whimper from Willow's and decided to check on her as well. The door was still ajar and it was easy for the Slayer to peek inside.

The sight that greeted her stopped her in her tracks.

Willow was shaking and whimpering on the bed, hands clenched in tight fists. In the moonlight Buffy could make out the sheen of sweat that coated her friend's body.

"Willow?" She tried softly.

Willow was awake but hardly heard the soft-spoken word of the Slayer. The burning and scratching that infested her body was terrible and it took all her concentration not to dig her nails into her wrists.

Buffy stepped further into the room, not wanting to frighten the other girl in case she was having a nightmare. She didn't know Willow was still awake, suffering from the effects of withdrawal.

"Will…" She tried again a little louder this time.

Willow thought she heard Buffy say her name, but with the other voices snickering and tormenting her she dismissed it. She continued to shake, unable to control the spasms her muscles were going through. She groaned in pain and rolled onto her back, clutching her stomach.

The blonde saw Willow's open eyes, even if Willow didn't notice her standing there. <Oh God, she's awake.> Buffy thought, going to the bed on instinct.

"Will?"

She touched Willow's shoulder and the redhead flinched, staring at her with wild, unfocused eyes.

"Oh God Willow…" Buffy whispered, not believing this was happening.

"B-B-Buffy." Willow whispered hoarsely. "Please… I…"

Talking was too much for the addict and she squeezed her eyes shut.

<I'm not leaving you Willow.> The Slayer thought, crawling onto the bed and spooning Willow, wrapping her arm around her.

"Is this okay?" Asked Buffy. "Will you let me hold you tonight?"

"Y-yes…" Willow agreed in another whisper.

She scooted back against Buffy and prepared to let the Slayer hold her shaking form for the rest of the night.

"I'm so sorry you have to go through this Will…" Said Buffy, pulling the girl to her tighter. She smoothed back a red splash of hair and left a lingering kiss on Willow's damp temple.

"I-I… I love you…" The redhead whispered.

"I know you do." Buffy kissed the back of her head. "I love you too…" <More than you know, maybe more than I'm willing to admit.> She added silently. ]


"She's sleeping again. They gave her more morphine last night. She's been sleeping since. Giles… it's getting worse… I think."

"She's… Buffy she's dying."

"I… know… but… she was okay… I mean she was sleeping really soundly… for the first time in days. Then she… was awake… Giles I was about to leave for patrol when all of a sudden she woke up and started talking. Her fever spiked, but she wasn't delirious or anything… at least… I mean… she wasn't talking about bugs or… anyway. She… she was awake for most of the three of so hours I stayed there with her… and she talked through most of it… I thought maybe… maybe she was getting better… but then she was screaming in pain… and I… I…

"Come on." Started Giles, putting his hand on her back to quiet the distraught Slayer, "There is much we need to talk about."

Buffy nodded and walked with him down the hall, glancing back once to see Dawn wipe fresh tears from her eyes beside Willow's bed.

"I need some fresh air… do you mind…?" Buffy asked gesturing toward the elevator.

"Yes, yes, of course."

They rode the elevator down in silence, each caught up in their own thoughts, nursing their own aching hearts.

Outside the sun blazed in it's late morning routine. Buffy and Giles squinted as they stepped from the automatic doors that led to the large parking lot beyond. They strolled down the pathway that led to a few picnic tables where hospital staff sometimes spent their lunch brakes. Giles took a seat and the Slayer followed his example.

"So… this thing you told Xander about…" Buffy started, referring to the phone call Xander had gotten the night before.

Xander had called the CCU nurse's station, thankful that Melissa answered, and told her that it was important for Buffy to take the call. He gave her a vague sketch of his conversation with the Watcher, telling her that he was going to be back in the morning.

"Morbi Malitiosi. Disease of the Wicked." Giles offered.

"Right… I guess that means Willow." Buffy responded.

Giles nodded. "There's not much I was able to find about it… lots of references to it… but Buffy…" He took off his glasses and began to clean them as was his habit. "There are no references to any cures, nor are there any references to the victim… recovering in any way."

"So basically you're saying everyone who's ever… gotten this… has died."

"Yes."

"Okay…" She nodded and looked off in the distance, a man and woman holding hands with smiles on their faces catching her eye. She studied them for a few moments.

"Buffy…" He started, pulling her attention back to him. "The only thing that might still save her… is faith."

"Huh?" Her eyes shot open, thinking he meant the other Slayer. "Oh… you mean… faith, hope…" She nodded in understanding. "I do believe… I think."

"The old witch I talked to… she's very powerful, she was able to sense Willow's power… and now she senses her life forcing fading… there's not much time."

"But… how do… I mean, what do we just… pray over her or something? 'Cause I was never big with the religions."

"I would say that if you were religious… then perhaps, yes… that's exactly what you have to do. But… I think you have to use whatever you have faith in… and Buffy… we all need to believe that she will survive. We must find it in our hearts to forgive her, to understand… to love her."

"I… I…"

"The witch was very forceful on this point. Willow is the only one who can stop the infection from devouring her. This is her war, her battle… she alone can fight the demons that plague her."

"Giles… I'm not sure I understand all of this." Buffy said, shaking her head.

She thought of the things Willow had muttered the day before about the darkness and the light, about the battle.

"Buffy… The thing that's killing Willow is a product of her…"

"I thought you said it was left by the black magic she…"

"Yes… yes that's true. But Willow's anger, her guilt and shame… even her grief over Tara… these all fuel the disease. This is why she is the only one who can beat it. She must find forgiveness and know that we all still love her… that we have faith in her battle, that we believe she will win and live."

"Giles… she killed Warren. She tried to kill you… Dawn… all of us… and still I… I do forgive her… I still love her."

"Good." He stated. "You have to make that clear to her… because my guess is that she feels as if she's deserving this."

"She was screaming for us to let her die."

"Dear lord."

"I can't… I can't just let her… Giles…"

"I know…"

"No… I…" She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Giles I love her."

"I know Buffy… we all do…"

"No." Buffy got up and took a few steps to the large tree beside the picnic table. She picked at the bark absently for a few moments before turning to face the Watcher again.

"I… I think I'm…"

"Buffy…" Giles got up and went over to her. "You don't need to explain. Even the coven can feel the love you have for her." He placed a tentative hand on her shoulder and stood firm when she collapsed against him, sobs wracking her body.


Willow's eyes fluttered open, and she knew she was not alone. Even now, her friends hadn't abandoned her.

She looked over to see Dawn, little Dawnie, who she remembered wanting to turn back into an energy ball, had taunted about her whining. She closed her eyes against the pain that swelled up inside her, making her whole body hurt. Everything hurt, hurt so much she welcomed the death that was slowly, too slowly, covering her.

Dawn was sitting in the chair so often occupied by Buffy. Sitting and watching the TV on mute. Willow realized that they were holding hands and it comforted her even as the pain continued to tear at her insides. The girl still thought she was asleep and she couldn't find the strength to talk, not just yet. Willow looked toward the door and saw Xander just beyond it. He was taking off white gloves that she had been accustomed to them all wearing. She quinted against the light and saw him wipe his eyes. <He's crying.> She thought and remembered him holding her after she tried to destroy the world.

Pain again. Blind, piercing pain in bright colors swept over her seeming to burn through her stomach. She let go of Dawn's gloved hand and clutched her stomach, bringing the young girl's attention away from the TV.

"Willow?" Dawn asked, the fear rising in her as she stood up and looked at the pained redhead.

Dawn glanced toward the door and saw that Xander was already gone, wanting to take a walk.

"Willow… I'm… it's me, Dawn…"

Willow grimaced against the pain. It felt like a war was being fought over possession of her body.

"I… Buffy's talking to Giles… do you want me to get her?"

Dawn reached out and softly placed her hand on Willow's shoulder, letting her know that she was not alone.

Willow felt the hand and the pain subsided. Not substantially, but enough for Willow to find her voice.

"Dawn…"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"How can… why?"

"What?"

"Why are you here?"

Dawn felt a stabbing pain in her belly. <She doesn't want me here.> She thought and choked back tears.

"I… I'll leave…" Dawn offered, her voice cracking.

"No… No don't."

"But…"

"I… I don't understand why you're here."

Again another stab of pain and Dawn couldn't help the tears from falling down her cheeks.

"I-I'm sorry… I didn't know you…" She swallowed and closed her eyes. "I didn't know you wouldn't want me here." She finally managed.

Willow opened her eyes and looked at the young girl standing beside her with her head down.

"Dawn I… I do want you here… I-I just… I don't understand how… how you could still want to… be here… after… after what I've done." It was hard work, but Willow was able to explain her question.

Dawn was taken aback. She thought Willow didn't want her to be here, when in fact, Willow thought Dawn wouldn't want to be there. It broke Dawn's heart to see her like this.

She took Willow's hand again and squeezed, squinting again against her own tears.

"I-I've been here almost everyday. I… You're my friend… I love you… and… and I want to be here for you."

"You… you don't hate me?" Willow asked, closing her eyes against what she knew must be the truth.

"No. I… I understand I think…" She shook her head. "I mean… I don't understand how you felt… the magic… but… I understand how you could…"

Dawn sat back in the chair, leaning forward so that her elbows were resting on the bed beside Willow.

"I never wanted to… I didn't mean to…" Willow tried.

"Shhh. It's over now. None of us hate you. We love you… we've been here everyday for you. Buffy hasn't left your side for more than a couple hours at a time. She… made them let her sleep here at night…"

"Buffy?" Willow questioned, knowing her friend had been there almost every single time she had woken up. "I… I thought she wanted to make sure… make sure I died."

"What?" Dawn was shocked.

"I… tried to kill her… I think I really wanted to."

"I… I remember what you told her… but… the magicks…"

Willow grimaced again as the pain reached into her head this time, sending white hot flashes across her mind trailed by ghostly images of fighting the Slayer.

"Willow…" Dawn sighed, never letting go of the redhead's hand.

"It hurts…" Willow admitted against clenched teeth.

"I'm sorry." Dawn whispered, fresh tears springing from her eyes.

After a few quiet moments, Willow relaxed again. She was getting sleepy and knew the darkness would come for her again. She wondered how long she had been out of it since talking to Buffy and Xander.

"I'm dying." The witch said matter of factly.

"No…"

Willow nodded, knowing the truth.

"I'm dying and… and…"

"Don't say that." Dawn admonished. "You're going to get better. You have to… you're… you can't die."

"Dawnie… there's nothing…"

"You're not going to die!" Dawn shouted, shocking herself with the ferocity in her voice. "I… I'm sorry Willow… I didn't mean to…"

Willow shook her head and Dawn quieted.

"Dawn… it's best this way anyway."

"No! You can't say that. You're not going to die damnit. I… I won't let you…" Dawn wiped the tears from her face. "Buffy… Buffy needs you… we all need you…"

"No… it'll be better when I'm gone."

"You're not going anywhere." Buffy said, stepping into the room.

Willow opened her teary eyes and looked at Buffy.

"Buffy…" Dawn started.

Buffy came up behind her younger sister and hugged her close.

"Dawn's right." Buffy started. "You're not going to die… we all believe you can beat this… and you will. We love you, we need you."

"The things I did…" Willow tried, going back to her old argument.

"Don't care about that now." Buffy said, cutting the witch off. "I know you feel guilty… and… okay… not your best decision making skills so far… but… if you want us to hate you… if you want us to abandon you… then give it up. Because it's not gonna happen."

"But…"

"Nope… not gonna here it."

Buffy smoothed back the hair on Willow's forehead and looked into her eyes.

"I know you won't ask for forgiveness. And you don't have to… because we forgive you… for any wrongs you think you've done against us… We'll work through everything. We'll never leave you…" She leaned closer and lowered her voice. "I'll never leave you… I'll never give you up."

Dawn extricated herself from the room, wanting her sister and Willow to have their privacy. She knew Willow's feelings for the Slayer and had sensed something deeper from her sister in the weeks spent at the hospital and was pretty sure the conversation was taking on a more private tone. Buffy hardly noticed Dawn's departure however, as she was preparing herself for something she had never confronted before.


[ Dawn inched into the corner, trying to melt into the wall in order to get away from Willow's hurtful words. Willow, decked out in black hair and matching veins, stood in front of her menacingly.

"You need to back down and think a minute, Will." Buffy said stepping into the room.

"Wasn't gonna hurt her… Buzzkill." Willow responded, rolling her eyes.

"She tried to turn me back…" Dawn started, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"You're attacking the people who love you now?" Buffy asked, incredulously.

"Love?" Willow questioned. She rolled her eyes and then dismissed it. "Only the ones in my way…" She finished.

"That's not… you need help."

"Doing fine on my own… thanks." Willow quipped.

"Dawn." Buffy reached for her sister. "Get out of here. Go!"

Dawn ran to the door only to have it locked by Willow's magic.

"Don't. We're all friends." Willow stated, taking another step toward the Slayer.

Buffy looked at her magically juiced friend knowing she had to stop Willow now before things got worse.

"I know what you want to do Willow… but listen to me… the forces inside you are incredibly powerful. They're strong… but you're stronger. Just remember… you're still Willow."

Willow half turned, swinging her arms casually.

"Let me tell you something about Willow. She's a loser." The black haired witch said leaning closer. "And she always has been. Everyone picked on Willow in junior high… high school… up until college with her stupid mousy ways… and now… Willow's a junkie…"

"I can help…" Buffy offered.

"Oh you think so Slayer?" Asked Willow stepping closer to her.

"Willow… you don't have to…"

"I don't think I was finished." Willow said sternly, cutting Buffy off.

"You know… Xander never payed attention to Willow when it counted… Oz cheated on her… then left…" She turned around, looking around the room as if this was an everyday conversation. Turning back toward Buffy, her face a mask of bitterness, she continued. "Willow was in love with her best friend… with you… for… years… she was willing to die for you… and what thanks does she get… what…" She stopped herself and shrugged. "But that doesn't matter now does it? Was she really ever good for anything?"

Willow looked past Buffy for a moment. The Slayer didn't know what to say.

The witch turned her attention back on Buffy.

"The only thing Willow was ever good for…" Her facial expression changed slightly, almost as if she were waking up a bit. "The only thing going for me… were those moments… just… moments… when Tara would look at me and I was wonderful." She pauses, her face becoming hard again. "And that will never happen again."

"I know this hurts… bad… but Will… if you let loose with the magicks now… it will never end." Tried Buffy.

Willow brightened.

"Promise?" She asked.

"You don't want that." Buffy stated.

"Why not?"

"Because you'll lose everything. Your friends, yourself… you let this control you and the worlds goes away. That's not… Willow, there's so much to…"

Buffy paused and Willow narrowed her eyes, knowing the blonde was fishing for something better to say.

"Ack! Please! This is your pitch?" The witch questioned. "You hate it here as much as I do. I'm just more honest about it."

"That's not true…"

Willow made a face as if to say 'please, who are you fooling.'

"You're trying to sell me on the world? The one where you lie to your friends when you're not trying to kill them… and you screw a vampire just to feel… and insane asylums are the comfy alternative."

Dawn stepped up beside her sister.

"Buffy it's me!" Willow continued. "I know you were happier in the ground… hanging with the worms. The only time you were ever at peace in your whole life is when you were dead… Until Willow brought you back."

Willow paused. Buffy and Dawn began to feel faint and realized they were no longer at Racks, but in the Magic Box.

"You know… with magic." Willow finished, smiling at Buffy and Dawn's confusion. "Sorry. It can be kind of a rough trip if you're… you know… not me."

Dawn fell to the ground disoriented.

"Dawn…" Buffy motioned to go to her but was stopped by Willow's hand.

Buffy looked up and saw Willow's eyes shift from the dark black back to green.

"I'm sorry I brought you back." Willow said sadly. "I have to do this now… don't try to stop me…" She looked down, unable to meet the Slayer's eyes. "I love you with every once of me… but you were never mine. Tara…" Willow looked up again, her eyes turning back to black and her face hardening.

"Willow…" Buffy started but it was too late.

The witch turned toward Jonathan and Andrew who had stood up, leaning against the large bookcase behind them, fear evident on their faces.

"Jonathan. Andrew. You like magicks… don't you?"

She raised her hands above her head.

"Abra cadabra." She said merrily before bringing her arms back down and blasting the two geeks with her power.

"Will…" Buffy said weakly before finally falling to the ground next to a still stunned Dawn. ]


"You have to listen to me now… can you do that?" Buffy asked, continuing to smooth the red hair away from Willow's damp forehead.

The redhead nodded, feeling comforted by the touch of her best friend.

"Willow… this thing… the reason why you're sick… there's nothing else the doctors can do for you…"

"I know… I'm dying."

Buffy swallowed, hearing the muted click in her throat.

"You don't have to." She managed looking into the pale green eyes in front of her. Willow's entire body had taken on a pale glow that was so common with the diseased and dying.

"Buffy…" The witch tried to argue, but Buffy wasn't having it.

"No… you have to listen to me."

Willow nodded and let the Slayer talk, never breaking the lock on her eyes.

"Giles could probably better explain this… but I… I wanted to tell you. This thing is… it's like… it's like your guilt and pain are killing you… it's not something actually physical, I mean it is… but…"

"I know… I can feel it… I… whenever I think about what I've done… the pain…" She grimaced as if in evidence.

Buffy stroked Willow's temple and waited for her friend's pain to subside.

"I…I… it hurts… but… I can feel something… like… something's tugging… pulling back and forth inside me."

"You have to fight it Will… You're the only one who can beat this."

"I… I can't… I… I'm not sure I want to…"

"No… you have to!"

Willow stared up at her best friend, noting the desperation in her features.

"But Buffy… what do I have… to live for?"

"What?"

Buffy closed her eyes and swallowed back the lump in her throat. This was becoming a sick routine with her.

"How… how can you ask that?" She questioned the redhead.

"All the things… Tara…"

"No… I won't listen to this anymore… I know you loved Tara… and I'm sorry she's gone… but everything that's happened… I told you… you can't think of that now… It's not even an issue right now… you have to know we forgive you… you have to know that we understand and won't abandon you… we believe in you… Willow we need you… and maybe I'm being selfish here… but I can't let you die… you have to fight this… please Willow… please don't let it win… please. You have to want to live."

"I don't know how…" Willow looked away from the blonde finally, closing her eyes.

"Fight it Willow… please, you have to fight it…"

Willow grimaced in pain again as the image of Tara's dead body in her arms flashed across her features, followed by Warren's struggling body, a scared Dawn, fighting Buffy, fighting Giles. The images kept coming and all she could do was squeeze her eyes shut even though they were in her own mind and strain against the pain that scratched its way across her skin.

Buffy saw her friend's struggle and knew it was the grief and guilt tearing her up inside. She wasn't sure if it would help, but she hoped telling Willow the truth might make a difference.

When the pain subsided and Willow slumped down, eyes still closed, Buffy leaned over and kissed Willow on the cheek, pausing by her ear to whisper soothing 'I'm right here's' and 'it's okays.'

Buffy felt her pulse and realized that it was becoming weaker. A glance at the heart monitor told her that time was short. The unsteady, weak rhythm of her friend's heart was getting worse.

"Tell everyone…" Willow started suddenly. "that I… that I love them… tell them I'm sorry…"

"You can tell them yourself." Buffy responded, not leaving the closeness of Willow's neck. "When you're better."

"Buffy… I'm dying… Soon, there'll be nothing left of me…"

Buffy shook her head. "You can't give up hope Will… you have to fight it."

"Please Buff… leave… okay?"

"What?" Buffy straightened up and looked down at her friend's upturned face, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Go on… you have to go now…" Willow sniffed, the sobs rising in her chest. "…not too much longer…"

"No… Will… please…" Buffy pleaded, the tears rolling from her eyes in thick drops, soaking the surgical mask beneath.

"I… I love you too much… to just have you come and see me waste away… to watch me die…"

"Will don't…"

"Please Buffy… please, leave me alone… please… just leave…"

"I-I can't just… I…"

"Please Buffy… this isn't your job…"

At that moment Buffy knew she had to tell Willow once and for all how she felt and why it was her job to sit vigil over the redhead no matter how much it hurt her inside and out, no matter what the doctors said, and no matter what the final outcome. Buffy hadn't always been there for her best friend, but she would be now, no matter what. She had faith that Willow could fight this and win if only she tried.

"You listen to me Will."

"Buffy…"

"No… you just be quiet and listen to me now… give me this, please."

Willow looked up at her friend, took in the free flowing tears and the desperation on her face, and realized that she sincerely needed to say whatever was on her mind. Fighting back the urge to push her friend further away so she could die alone like she thought she deserved, she relented and let Buffy speak.

When Buffy saw she would get no further protests she took a deep breath and prepared herself for one of the hardest things she would ever have to do.

"I… I've been such a fool Will… About everything. You were right… I hated it here… I…" Buffy shook her head, dismissing the line of thought. She would need to get to the point as soon as possible. "Willow… you're my best friend, nothing you've done has ever changed that… and nothing ever will."

Buffy took a deep breath, letting the air fill her lungs completely before letting it out slowly. She looked Willow in the eyes and with every once of courage she could muster, told Willow the truth that she had only recently come by herself.

"You… Willow… I… I love you… like no one I've ever loved… with every once of my soul I love you. I'm in love with you and I never realized it. I've been so stupid… such a fool… I knew I loved you so long ago… but I never knew… never could…"

Buffy saw the pained features of her best friend turn into a shocked stare.

"There is nothing I wouldn't do for you… I realize now that… words can't even begin to describe how much you mean to me… how much I love you… it hurts me… every inch of me… to see you like this… there is a constant ache in my heart… has been for awhile… and I was so stupid not to realize that it was because it was… I didn't have you… Willow please… fight this… don't die… live… for me… I love you so much it's tearing me apart in side…"

Buffy broke down, not able to fight the sobs that rose up inside her, she fell to her knees and sobbed, her hands and head still on the mattress beside Willow, who sat, dumbfounded at the news.

The redhead's pain subsided and her heart leapt in her chest. <She… loves me.> A momentary guilt crept up only to be replaced by images of Buffy hugging her, comforting her, their gentle kiss, holding her during her withdrawals.

"Please don't die… please don't die…" Buffy sobbed endlessly as the sun set and Willow's shaking hands trailed thin fingers through blonde hair.


Buffy entered the hospital, nodding a quick greeting to the night watchman as she made her way to the elevator.

Deciding she needed to let off some steam, and knowing it was a good bet that Willow wouldn't wake again before she got back, Buffy had left to do a few quick sweeps of the surrounding cemeteries. Dusting two newbies and getting into a scuffle with one nasty wench, who had almost gotten the upper hand, had did little for her anxiety and anger, but at least she could be secure in the fact that there were 3 less vampires in Sunnydale.

Demon activity was still slow and any other time, the Slayer would have been itching for the demon world to decide they wanted to open the hellmouth, attack her and her friends, or just cause the usual chaos they always did. But now, however, with her best friend barely hanging on to her life, Buffy had no time for plots to end the world, especially since that same best friend had tried to do that very thing not a month before. All she needed was a brisk work out with a few vamps and she could breathe again.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened, allowing her to step into the empty box that would lead her back to the deathbed of her friend.

<She's going to live. She's going to make it. She's going to be fine.> Buffy silently chanted.

These words had become her mantra and she would not give a second thought to anything otherwise. Giles was right, they all had to believe.


Willow walked through dense fog, feeling the slime under her bare feet, and barely able to make out the outlines of trees everywhere she turned. She was in a forest of some kind, she thought. Darkness had spread its wings and made seeing anything hard. She moved mostly by touch alone, feeling her fingers along the rough, mossy bark of tall redwoods as things she didn't want to think about moved around her in the darkened fog.

Squinting, she thought she could make out a figure not too far in front of her. She was terrified, but her guilt moved her on, and without really wanting to, she kept walking towards the mysterious figure that waited patiently for her.

The eerie sounds of hisses, growls, and mad, childlike laughter grew louder as she closed in on the hooded figure that seemed to float in front of her. The fog was so thick, that even at only a few feet away, Willow could not clearly see who or what it was.

Without warning, the figure lunged at her, laughing madly as the redhead finally got a good look at what it was that swam in the fog, drawing her near.

What she thought had been a hood was actually its skin, peeled back and folded across the top of its skull. Teeth, many razor sharp points protruding from where its mouth should have been, opened and closed rapidly. Liquid pools of black filled its eyes. The thing's face, or what made up its face since its skin wasn't there, was a hideous assortment of twitching red cords that moved back and forth, the ends of which, seemed to be looking for a place to go. Holes dotted the creature's head oozing a deep yellow puss.

The rest of the creature was draped in black. Willow thought it was a robe of some kind at first, but upon closer inspection, realized that the black that surrounded it was moving, breathing and sighing as the monster attacked her with a deep whining laughter from behind its chattering teeth.

"No!" Willow screamed as the thing brought its claws around her and pulled her toward it.

She struggled with all her might and shut her eyes to the hideous site in front of her. She tried to punch and kick the thing that had gotten its grip on her, but to no avail. Her fists and feet simply sunk into the thick black of its body and briefly she thought of chocolate pudding.

"NO!" She screamed again, twisting and turning in the creature's arms as its teeth got closer to her face.

She could smell the familiar stench that surrounded them. Disease, rotting corpses, and old molding leaves. Ancient smells, death smells.

Getting one arm free through her struggle, she scratched with all her might at the monster's face, pulling away throbbing red cords and sticky, rotten flesh.

The creature growled loudly and let it's grip on Willow ease just enough for the redhead to break away. She started to run then. Run in any direction away from the horrible thing that had tried to make her, his. She ran on bare feet, slipping and sliding through the muck on the forest floor, even as she knew there were other things moving about in the fog, watching and waiting behind the trees.

She ran as branches whipped out and tasted her, leaving deep dark wounds on her pale skin. She heard the howling of dogs and felt their lust for her blood.

She was weak, her lungs felt too small, unable to hold and process the air she was desperately gulping down, unable to oxygenate her muscles to keep her legs moving. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her hair flew out behind her as she blindly kept running through the thick fog, kept running as she heard the sounds behind her grow louder. Kept running as the fog moved around her and the trees swayed in her presence.

Then the voices came, confusing the redhead, making her run in opposite directions, turning her around. Branches and roots reached for her body, cutting and tangling. The voices were soft at first, almost childlike. They were like whispers in her ear, making the tiny hairs of her neck stand up even as she continued to run blindly through the forest of her despair.

"…this way…" One taunted.

"…over here…" Spoke another.

"…don't run… there's nowhere to go…"

"…nowhere…"

"…nothing…"

"…nothing but the black…" Agreed another.

"…your soul…"

"…blacken you soul…" One whispered in her ear.

"Shut… up!" Willow screamed, as she weaved in and out of the trees, running slower now, her breathing becoming ragged.

"…you belong here…"

"…don't want you…"

"…they don't want you…"

"…not your friends…"

"…not after what YOU did…"

"…you did…"

"…YOU did…"

Willow slowed, not sure, but thinking she was seeing a clearing in the trees. The fog was thick and blackness reigned, but what she had become used to in the landscape was changing in front of her.

"…she wants you…" One whispered.

"…she needs you…" Agreed another, laughing.

Willow put her hands to her head, covering her ears in an attempt to block out the taunting voices that were growing louder and fiercer.

"Help me, Buffy." Willow whispered, tears freely flowing as she ran dazed, into a small clearing where the fog had dispersed and left only a heavy mist on the ground.

"No!" Shouted one of the voices angrily.

"Don't think of her…"

"…Never her…"

"…She hates you!"

"…hates you!"

"…all do…"

Willow shook her head, and continued to cover her ears. But it was no use. She realized the voices were inside her head and it made her ill.

"No… they…" She tried, but the voices continued, growing louder and angrier.

Willow fell to her knees, hands outstretched, and allowed the bile to ride up her throat and out of her mouth. Her body convulsed with the sweaty reaction to throwing up. Tears mixed with her vomit in the heavy mist swirling around her.

"…all hate you…" The voices continued.

"…after what you did…"

"…remember what you did…"

"…kill them…

"…tried to kill them…"

"…you wanted…"

"…want to…"

"…kill…"

"Stop! No! I never wanted to… I… It was the magicks!" She tried to scream, but only a hoarse whisper made it pass her lips.

"…your time…

"…yours…"

"…your time to die…"

Willow fell to her side and curled into a fetal position.


The elevator doors opened and Buffy stepped into the familiar waiting area with it's gray and blue furniture, rifled through, but unread magazines, and the quiet sounds of the TV bolted to the wall.

"Code Blue! CCU Code Blue! Dr. Myler to CCU, we have a Code Blue!"

Buffy stopped dead in her tracks, the fear like a thick blanket wrapping itself around her.

"No." She whispered hoarsely before breaking into a run.


"Willow…"

Willow blinked, realizing that the maddening voices in her head had stopped some time ago as she lay on the forest floor, the thick mist coating her in death and decay.

The voices had stopped, but there was one voice now calling her name. A familiar voice that was soothing and sweet. It was a voice that spoke of comfort and ease, of forgiveness and guidance.

"Willow…" Came the familiar voice again.

The redhead got to her knees and looked around. She couldn't see anything and the thick mist was still swirling around her. She slowly stood, the muscles in her legs screaming from the abuse they had endured during her earlier run.

"Come to me Willow."

Willow turned in the direction of the voice and squinted. Barely visible several yards away was another figure, billowing in white.

Willow didn't want to go to the figure, just as she hadn't wanted to go to the monster with the teeth and pulsing face. But again, she felt her feet move under her and she was powerless to stop them.

"That's right baby, come to me."

Willow knew that voice. She recognized it as home. Her fear dwindled and she let her feet take her without struggle of mind, without doubt.

"Tara?" She whispered as she neared the figure in front of her.

There was a soft glow around the figure that sounded like Tara and Willow found herself wanting to become lost there.

"Yes, baby."

"Tara, I… I'm so lost."

"Then let me show you the way." The Tara figure said soothingly.

"Show me the way?" Asked Willow, finally recognizing the figure in front of her.

Tara's ash blonde hair hung down against her shoulder in soft curls, framing her face. Her blues eyes sparkled with the life that Willow remembered so well and had grown to love within the first few times of meeting with the other witch. Full lips curled into a soft smile.

"Of course, darling."

"W-where?"

"Where you belong. Here, with me."

Willow looked around, uncertainty and fear creeping back into her mind and body as she searched for answers in the smiling face of her fallen lover.

She wanted to hug Tara, to hold on and let her lead her wherever it was she wanted her. Willow smelt the familiar vanilla and patchouli in the air, saw the familiar sparkle in round blue eyes, heard Tara's soothing voice, and wanted nothing more to succumb to whatever fate lay in store for her.

"Come Willow." Tara said, holding out her hand.

As much as Willow wanted to be with Tara, to feel the comfort of her arms, and the warmth of her body, she could not shake the doubt and fear that stole its way across her heart.

"Tell me about it, Tara. Are you happy… here?"

Tara's smile faltered, but did not disappear.

"I'll be much happier when you're with me." She said with her hand still outstretched to the young redhead.

"But…" Willow began, but found herself taking a step in Tara's direction.

With all the will she could muster, she stopped her advancement. She didn't know what, but something felt wrong.

"Tara… I… I did things…"

"I know baby. Everything's okay now."

"No, I…"

"You're where you belong now." Tara added, the soothing tone in her voice dropping a notch.

"I… um… maybe I should…" Willow started, looking behind her for answers she knew weren't there. "Buffy…"

"Buffy!" Shouted Tara.

Willow shrinked back from the ferocity in Tara's voice. She wasn't sure, but she thought she had seen the blonde's eyes switch between blue and black briefly.

"Buffy has nothing to do with this now. You belong here, with me."

"T-tara…"

"Buffy doesn't love you. I do."

"Yes… I know… I know you love me, but I…"

"You killed for ME… remember."

Willow nodded, scanning the area around her for a place to run. She was becoming extremely scared again. Tara stepped toward her, the first move she had made since Willow had come to her.

"T-tara… she's my friend… she cares about me…"

"NO!" Tara shouted. "She hates you just like the rest of them! You tried to kill them. I'm the only one you need now. Stay with me. This is where you belong."

Willow couldn't believe she hadn't seen it before.

"No… I…" Willow took another step back tentatively, aware that there were things moving around her feet, brushing against them sometimes.

Tara's hair wasn't the shiny soft curls Willow had mistaken it for. Instead, it was slick with slime, falling out and clumping together.

"Where you deserve to be." Continued Tara, her voice empty of the comfort that Willow had recognized earlier.

Tara's skin wasn't fresh with life, it was caking and cracking, and yellow like old newspapers.

"No." Willow stated firmly. "I won't go with you. You're not Tara."

Tara, or the thing pretending to be her, tilted her head and stared at Willow curiously before bursting into a fit of mad laugher.

Willow cringed at the sound, having a flashback to watching The Exorcist one night with Xander. The young possessed girl, Regan, had sounded like that, covering her mouth and laughing like a wicked child. The memory chilled Willow to the bones.

Willow took another few steps back, almost tripping.

"Who are you?!!" She screamed in rage. "What do you want with me?!!"

The thing that had worn Tara's body began to shake and twitch. The eyes became complete black pools and the soft white light around her body bled into red, then purple, before turning black. Its skin cracked and pieces of the Tara figure broke off, crumbling into the mist.

As Willow watched, the thing that she was so convinced was Tara, broke apart and disappeared into the mist before the voices started again.

This time though, they were not taunting voices in her head. These were coming from the mist that was steadily rising around her, swirling and moving along with whatever it was that occasionally brushed against her bare feet.

"We are many." It spoke.

Willow looked in the direction of the voice, only to hear another behind her.

"We go by many names."

"Oh… really?" Asked Willow, not sure what she should do. Converse with the voices that wanted her dead, wanted her soul? Or run like hell?

"We are the Harbinger of Sorrow." Said one voice.

"The Bringer of Death." Said another.

"The Demise of Time."

"Disease and War, Chaos and Anarchy."

"Lonliness and Despair."

Willow rolled her eyes. At this point, she didn't see where she could run and wondered if this was what her hell would be like.

"Malach Hamavet." Said another voice.

That got Willow's attention.

"The angel of death?" She asked, remembering her Hebrew.

"Yours." It stated simply before cold and slimy roots wrapped around her ankles and swept her off her feet.

The pain was unbearable as the roots penetrated skin, twisting their way into her flesh. She writhed and screamed in fear and agony, choking on the stench of her own guilt and grief as her blood poured out onto the forest floor.

"Oh God!" She screamed, pulling at the roots, only to have her hands slip and slide along the bumpy surface.

"Fight it."

Her eyes shot open and she tried to look around. The mist had thickened into the dark fog she had encountered when running through the thick trees.

She could barely hear that particular voice, but she knew exactly whom it belonged to.

"Fight it Willow." Came the voice again.

"B-bufhhhh! Willow tried screaming, but the roots wrapped themselves around her head, gagging her, dripping black slime into her mouth.

She felt the thick black bile run down her throat and squeezed her eyes shut against the pain that burned like fire all over her body.


Willow sat on the familiar bench in the middle of the quad, digging through her book bag for her homemade lunch.

Buffy saw her and smiled.

<Okay, so that dress has to go, but she's so cute.> She thought, making her way over to the redhead.

"Uh, Hi! Willow, right?" Buffy asked with a broad smile on her face.

Willow looked up, shocked that someone beside Xander and Jesse would want to talk to her.

"Why?" I-I mean hi!" Willow glanced at the bench she was sitting on. "Uh, did you want me to move?"

Buffy looked confused for a moment and then remembered the way Cordelia had treated the redhead at the water fountain earlier.

"Why don't we start with, 'hi, I'm Buffy.' And… uh… then let's segue directly into me asking you for a favor."

Buffy took a seat beside Willow on the bench

"It doesn't involve moving… but it does involve hanging out with me for a while."

"Aren't you hanging out with… Cordelia?"

A look of confusion crossed Buffy's face.

"I can't do both?" She asked.

"Not legally."

<Damn, she's serious.> Thought the blonde.

"Look, I really wanna get by here… new school… and… Cordelia's been really nice… uh, to me… anyway… but, um… I kinda have this burning desire not to flunk all my classes and I heard a rumor that you were the person to talk to if I wanted to get caught up."

Willow brightened.

"Oh! I could totally help you out! Uh… if you have sixth period free we could meet in the library?"

"Or not. Or we could meet someplace… quieter. Uh, louder. Uh… that place just kind of gives me the wiggins." Buffy sputtered, scrambling for an explanation on why she really didn't want to go back to the library.

"Oh… it has that effect on most kids. I-I love it though… it's a great collection… a-and the new librarian is really cool."

"He's new?" Buffy asked, anxiety filling her.

"Yeah… he just started. He was a curator at some British museum… o-or… or the British Museum… I'm not sure. But he knows everything… and he brought all these historical volumes and biographies… and am I the single dullest person alive?"

<Smart and cute.> Buffy thought.

"Not at all." Buffy said smiling.

Willow rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, right."

"What?" Asked Buffy. "I think it's good to be interested in um… stuff like that."

"Are you?"

"Um… well not so much… um… the whole, reading thing is kind of… um… but you… you're like… totally brainy… and um…"

"Yeah…" Willow said, looking down.

"Oh, well it's good to be… ya know, smart. Better than being an idiot."

"That's true." Willow smiled weakly and took a bite of her apple.

"Listen." Started Buffy. "I don't think you're boring… of course I just met you… but after we hang out and stuff I'm sure I won't find you boring."

"H-hang… out?" Willow stared at Buffy as if the blonde had grown another head.

"Well yeah…"

"A-are you sure you want to do that?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"W-well… Cordelia…"

"Oh please… I've talked to both of you for about 5 minutes today… and guess who I'd already rather be with."

Willow was scared to answer. She thought maybe Buffy was toying with her.

Buffy saw the troubled look crawl across the redhead's face and frowned. She would make it her job to give the cute redhead in front of her friendship and confidence.

<God, what's up with me and the cute thing today?" Buffy asked herself.

"You. Silly." Buffy stated firmly.

<Wow, she's really… nice… and…> Willow thought.

"Me?" Willow glanced down at the dress her mother had picked out for her. "Really?"

"Oh yeah."

Willow smiled, and took another bite of her apple.

"O-okay."

"So… friends?" Asked Buffy, holding her hand out.

Willow smiled again and nodded. She shook Buffy's hand.

"Friends." She agreed.


Buffy ran down the hall, her torn jacket billowing behind her. The fear that had risen up in her made her sick to her stomach as the tears fell in large drops from her eyes. She saw nurses rushing around the room of her best friend, her love, and almost lost herself to the sobs that threatened to drown her.

Giles and Dawn were standing near the nurse's station that was just beyond Willow's room. Giles had his hands on Dawn's shoulders as they both watched the nurses and doctor scrambling around their friend's room.

Buffy squeaked to a stop at the door.

"Buffy." She heard Dawn say softly behind her, but ignored it. She stepped into the room as the doctor and nurses attempted to revive the limp figure on the bed.

"Fight it!" She screamed, coming to the edge of the bed. "Fight it Willow! Please fight!"

"Miss! Miss you have to leave!" Came a voice she didn't recognize and therefore didn't listen to.

"Miss!"

The nurse pulled Buffy by the arm only to be pushed into the wall by an angry, grief stricken Slayer.

"Buffy!" She heard Dawn scream from outside the room.

"Call security!" Another nurse yelled.

"Miss please!" Shouted another.

She felt another hand on her arm and was about to attack when she turned and saw it was Dawn's.

"Buffy…" Dawn spoke quietly, tears freely flowing and dropping onto the soft material of her shirt.

Buffy looked back to the struggling doctor and nurses who were trying to save her friend.

"Fight it Will…" She whispered weakly before allowing her sister to lead her from the room.

The Slayer slid to the floor with her head in her hands, weeping loudly as Dawn wrapped her arms around her older sister and cried with her.


She pulled at the roots, tearing her own flesh in a desperate attempt to free herself. The blackness was overwhelming, clouding her vision, her thoughts, covering her with its promised death.

The pain was never ending, it consumed in its greedy attempt to own her. Willow tried to scream but the roots gagged her, choked her with its black bile, tortured her with her grief and guilt, shamed her with its twists and turns through her body.

She knew it had to be the end. She had waited for a battle but was only confronted with herself, made to run through a thick, foreign forest, was tricked by an image of her fallen lover. And now slimy roots were strangling her as her personal Angel of Death laughed softly in her ear.

She was trying to fight. But how could she? What did she have to fight with, to bargain with? She had done horrible things. Wicked things and she was paying the price.

She continued to struggle even as she thought that maybe this was better, that maybe everyone would be better off without her around.

"Fight it Willow."

Willow heard Buffy's voice again and was reminded that she had Buffy. That Buffy wanted her to live. That Xander had saved her and would be there for her. That Dawn loved her, forgave her. That Giles had come back to help her.

"Willow please… fight this… don't die… live… for me… I love you so much it's tearing me apart in side…"

Buffy's words echoed in her head even as another root wrapped around her neck.

"I want to liii…!" Willow tried to scream.

Her words were choked off by the roots that squeezed her neck, pulling her deeper into the blackness that wanted nothing more than to devour her.


One year later.

Dawn stepped out onto the back porch with a pitcher and a small stack of plastic cups.

"I made lemonade." She stated before placing the pitcher on a small table beside the bench.

"Thanks Dawn." Responded Xander.

He walked over to the pitcher and poured himself a cup of the cool yellow liquid.

They both stood there quietly. Dawn sipped her drink while Xander gulped his down before letting Dawn pour a second helping this time.

"So how's it coming?" Asked Dawn.

"Gazebo's done. Well… it'll need another coat of sealant. But I'll get that this weekend."

At the beginning of the summer, Buffy had asked Xander to help clear out the back yard of bushes and some of the flowerbeds. They had wanted to put up a small gazebo and plant a Willow tree. Xander had been more than happy to help. It would give him an opportunity to practice his carpentry skills and since he had moved into Willow and Tara's old room to help out, he could work on it after work and on the weekends.

Buffy walked over to them, blowing stray hairs out of her face.

"Cold. Liquid. Good." She said, dropping the shovel at her feet and reaching for the red cup Dawn held out to her.

"I can't believe how hot it is this summer." Dawn said as she wiped a bead of sweat from her brow.

Buffy glared at her. The Slayer was wearing jean shorts and a tank top and was soaked in sweat.

"But… I'm sure you're feeling it… much, much worse… than…"

Dawn trailed off, turning her attention to the house.

"Maybe I should go back to making lunch."

Buffy smiled at her sister.

"We're just about finished." Buffy said turning back toward the gazebo. "Let's wait on lunch. Okay?"

"Sure."

The three stood there quietly for a few moments.

Xander sighed. "I can't believe it's been a year."

"I know…" Buffy said sadly. She looked down at her soil covered hands and wiped them absently on her pants.

"I miss her." Dawn said.

"Me too, Dawn. We all do." Buffy responded.

She gave her sister a quick hug before pouring another cup of lemonade and walking back over to the where they had planted the sapling near the gazebo.

"Here." Buffy said, holding the cup out.

The redhead sat back on her heels and wiped her hands on her shorts.

"Thanks." Said Willow before gulping the cold drink down. "Oh, that's good stuff." She added after emptying the glass.

Buffy smiled down at her before taking the cup.

"Well," Started Willow, "that's it."

"We done?"

"Yup."

Buffy stepped back, looking at the sapling and imagined how it would look in the coming years as it grew into a full sized Willow tree.

"That's going to look so good."

"I know." Willow agreed smiling, proud of their work.

"I can't believe we built that." Buffy said, indicating the gazebo.

"Well… I think actually Xander built it."

"W-well… we helped… hammer and… we handed him stuff."

Willow smiled at the Slayer and kissed her gently on the cheek. Buffy smiled and leaned against the redhead.

"Do you think she's okay with this?" Buffy asked.

"Yes."

"How can you be certain?"

"Because I'm happy. You're happy. Tara wouldn't want it any other way." Willow said simply.

"That makes sense."

"Just call me sense girl."

Buffy smiled and gave Willow a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Do you want to do this now… or… later?"

"No… let's do it now."

"Okay…"

"Let me get her."

Looking at the most recent picture of Tara that they could find, Willow smiled and traced her finger along the silver frame.

"Hello love." She said, picking the urn that housed Tara's ashes up and cradling it in her arms.

"I miss you so much, Tara. I think about you everyday. I know you're looking out for us, I can feel you." Willow said smiling. "I'll never stop loving you, you know that right?"

Willow turned and began her slow walk back through the house to the backyard.

"Well darling, Xander finished the gazebo and we planted the tree. So…"

The redhead came out onto the porch and smiled at her friends. The friends that had stuck by her, loved her, and forgave her for everything she had put them through. The friends that believed she could fight the morbi malitiosi, and had seen her through her recovery. These people were more her family than her own parents, who no one was able to get in touch with during her 4 weeks in the hospital. Not until after she was already back at Buffy's did they come by with questions about the messages they had gotten.

They were a real family. Her and Buffy were together, Dawn was staying out of trouble, going to school under the watchful eye of Willow, and Xander, although he still became depressed over Anya's leaving town every once in awhile, had become a stabling force in the home. He brought in an extra income too which helped bunches. And even though it had all resulted from Tara's death, from Willow losing herself to the terrible magicks and almost dying herself, she couldn't have been happier to have things turn out the way they had.

"Ready?" Asked Buffy, coming up beside Willow.

Willow nodded and the foursome moved in front of the tree, standing behind a kneeling Willow.

"Okay Tara." Willow started. "I know you are around, I can feel you, so I know these ashes aren't you anymore… but… like I explained earlier… we wanted you to have a nice resting place… not on some shelf ya know? So…"

Willow stuck the urn in the deep hole she had dug earlier.

"…here you go. Now you have your very own Willow tree. A-and we'll come out here… and sit in the gazebo that Xander built, and we'll talk… a-and…" Willow trailed off, fresh tears springing to her eyes.

Buffy knelt down beside her and wrapped one strong arm around the redhead's shoulder.

"Hey Tara." Buffy spoke softly, respectfully. "We miss you." Buffy wiped her own tears from her eyes. "I hope you like it here. I figure… I'm the Slayer and I'm not going anywhere… and this is our home… so… as long as we're all here, you should have a nice place to stay too."

Dawn knelt on the other side of Willow as Xander put his arms around all three girls from behind.

"I miss you too." Dawn spoke with choked sobs. "We won't ever forget you."

"Never." Agreed Willow, choking back the thick sobs that threatened to overcome her.

Buffy only held onto Willow tighter.

After a few tense moments of all four of them wiping at their eyes, Willow began the task of moving the dirt back into the hole, covering the urn with the rich soil that would help the Willow sapling grow into a strong shelter for Tara.

The redhead kissed the tips of her dirty fingers and placed her hand on top of where the urn was buried.

"I love you." She whispered before standing up with her friends and heading back toward the house.

"I wish Giles was here." Said Dawn.

"Me too." Agreed Willow.

"Next month." Buffy reminded them.

"How about we go out for lunch?" Asked Willow.

"Really?" Asked Dawn, excited about getting out of her summer chore.

"Sounds good to me." Remarked Buffy. "Ah, but… showers are a must."

"Definetely." Xander agreed. He smelled his under arm and grimaced.

Dawn laughed and opened the back door for everyone.

Willow glanced back and just for a second, thought she heard Tara's voice on the wind as the tiny limbs on the sapling swayed in the breeze.

Upstairs, Buffy zipped up her clean jeans and gave her thigh a hard slap.

"What are you doing?" Asked Willow coming into the room, combing her hair.

"Think I need to get back into serious training mode."

Willow grinned. "You train everyday."

"Yeah… but I think I'm getting…" The Slayer didn't finish.

She turned around in the mirror, looking at herself.

Willow shook her head. "Your fine. Besides… Slayer genes… you probably won't ever get…" Willow made a gesture with her hand to indicate whatever it was that Buffy was referring to.

"Hmmm…"

"Hmmm?" Questioned the redhead, pulling on a clean shirt.

"Will you still love me when I do get…?" Buffy asked the redhead, looking at her with a pout.

Willow finished buttoning the fly on her jeans and walked over to the blonde girl she had loved for 7 years.

"I've loved you since I met you, Buffy. And I'll love you forever… no matter what you look like… no matter if you're the Slayer or not."

Buffy smiled and met Willow's lips. They kissed softly, secure in the knowledge that what they had was genuine and divine.

Buffy broke from the kiss and held Willow tightly in her arms.

"I love you so much… I couldn't stand to lose you."

"You'll never lose me." Willow said quietly.

"I thought I had… before I even… really had you…"

"I know…" Willow hugged Buffy tight.

"Will… I'm sorry about everything… that happened… I wish I…"

Willow brought her fingers to the Slayer's lips and hushed her.

"No. I don't want to hear about that anymore, okay? I've dealt with guilt first hand Buffy… I know how it can rip someone up inside, consume them until there's nothing left. You're the Slayer… but you can't protect everyone, all the time."

"But I…"

"No…" Willow kissed Buffy's lips softly again before continuing. "Everything that happened last year. It wasn't your fault. It was Warren's… and I took care of him."

Buffy saw mixed emotions that washed over Willow briefly but didn't question it.

"Everything else that happened… Buffy that was me… and it was my guilt to live with, to fight. You guys forgave me… gave me a reason to live… None of this is your fault. Tara… Tara's in a good place… a-and you and I are together… we're a family. No more carrying the wait of the world on your shoulders. You can't stop every bad thing from happening."

Buffy wrapped her best friend, her lover, up in her arms and held her against her, feeling her steady, strong heartbeat.

"What would I do without you?" She asked.

Willow shrugged.

"You'll never have to find out… so don't think about it."

The two continued to hold each other tight until Dawn pounded on the door telling them that she and Xander were starving.

The two pulled apart and grinned at each other before heading out the room and down the stairs to join their family.

The End

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