In the Morning of the Light

by Ray Harley

Copyright © 2003

kerkevik@planet-save.com

"I thought I'd find you here."

The witch lifted her head only slightly as the slayer came up behind her. Instead holding her concentration on her hand, pressed firm into the soil of the grave, and the soil suffused, with a pale glow beneath it.

But she she stood before Buffy could see what she was about and gave her hand a gentle squeeze as Buffy slipped her hand into hers. She kept her silence, unable to speak without revealing the weight of the grief she was suppressing.

"Saying goodbye?" Buffy found the strange smile she got in response near to heartbreaking. "Just saying goodbye," she confirmed in a gentle voice, fighting to keep her own pain in.

Gently the slayer placed her other hand in the small of the blonde witch's back and guided her away from the graveside. They walked slowly for a minute before either spoke again.

"You can't keep blaming yourself Tar," said Buffy, her voice trembling as she felt the raw emotion emanating from her friend.

"But if I'd stayed-,"

Buffy pulled up, shaking her head. "You made the only choice you could," she told Tara keeping her eyes firmly locked with the blonde witch, even when they strayed back to lover's grave.

"Do you remember what Oz said?"

Tara's eyes closed briefly and she frowned, a gesture forever alien to Buffy's perceptions of her, seemingly deep in concentration.

"At the funeral?"

Buffy nodded, even though the blonde witch couldn't see her, as she quoted Oz's words... verbatim.

"So you walked with me for a while; bared your naked soul; and you told me of your plan; how you would never -,"

Buffy hushed her with a finger to her lips. "Okay," she said with a slight smirk," so you can quote the whole speech. The point is it wasn't your fault. You're the one she hurt the most."

"Dawn?" Tara queried, with arched eyebrow.

"She didn't suffer... much," aspirated Buffy, her eyes closed, fervently hoping it was the truth.

"How can you forgive her? She -," Buffy hushed her once more.

"It's myself I'm having trouble forgiving," she said, glancing back up at Willow's grave herself now. She found the confusion in those blue eyes almost too much to bear. She loved this woman... too late, she knew... and felt a growing guilt over the prejudice she had denied, that had kept her from admitting it.

"I was supposed to be her best friend, Tara. I... No, please listen," her voice desperate to keep Tara close, as she tried to pull away.

"Please," she said quietly as their eyes locked again.

"We, Xander and me, we talked about it and we both realized that we saw she was in trouble but chose to do nothing." She held her hand up again to silence the Wiccan. "We never thought of you as anything other than -,"

Then, as she looked into her eyes, she had the sudden insight that Tara knew exactly what she was trying to say.

And had already forgiven her.

She wanted Tara to yell at her for the prejudices she had denied existed. Only she knew that Tara wouldn't... not couldn't... would not get angry. Buffy steeled herself and continued.

"We're the ones who failed her. At least you tried to do something. And," she suddenly gripped Tara's face," before you start about what a success you're strategy was... You. Tried."

Tara simply nodded.

'Oh god woman! 'Get angry... for pity's sake!'

Buffy sighed and followed the blonde witch's lead when she pulled her hand and began walking slowly towards the cemetery gates.

She found herself looking up the hill as they reached the gates and was surprised, actually she realized numbly she wasn't, to find Tara brushing away the solitary tear that had appeared on her face. She glanced and gave her a quizzical look at the weird smile that had appeared.

Tara refused to oblige.

"And what about William? He's been keeping a low profile."

Buffy gave a wry smile, and shrugged. "He tries to keep out of Xander's way. He won't even patrol near the Magic Box." Then the smile became a grin. "I found him tending the flowers on her grave the other night."

She frowned when it didn't seem that funny anymore.

"I think," she said," he blames himself for not being there to protect Dawn."

"You'd be surprised," said Tara, sotto voce.

As they exited the cemetery onto Belmont, turning towards Lexington and 6th. Buffy began speaking again as they crossed onto Baker and headed towards the center of town.

"We both thought, 'It's Will,' or, 'She's too smart to do anything stupid,' or -,' she realized suddenly that they were still holding hands and found, to her chagrin, that she didn't care... that she was holding hands with a card-carrying, badge-wearing lesbian.

Actually it was a pink sweat top bearing the legend, 'I don't mind straight people - As long as they don't act that way around me.' Buffy felt her heart wrench as she remembered Dawn giving it to Willow as a Pride gift.

She glared at a man and woman sat outside Sunnydale's ersatz Parisian cafe, and wished she had been able to be this comfortable before. Her head jerked up... surprised as she was to hear Tara laughing.

A little bemused she was stung into asking a question she swore she wouldn't.

"Why are you leaving?" She instantly regretted it when Tara visibly shrank away from her.

"Tara... I'm sorry. I -'" She caught herself by surprise when she gripped the Wiccan’s face, kissing her on the forehead. Tara just gave her a 'Spock eyebrow' and led them away from their disapproving audience towards 7th, and the route to the Magic Box.

"I have to," she said finally, in a voice barely audible against the traffic. "I loved her Buffy." She raised her hands and waved them inclusively. "This place... I... I... don't think..." She looked Buffy deep in the eye. "If I don't I'll not stay sane. There's just too much of Willow here. I have to go on living.... Buffy, do you...?"

Buffy nodded, and felt the tears welling up all over again.

"When... I mean you're staying for the big wedding... Aren't you?" She asked as they approached the turning for the Magic Box.

Wordlessly, with barely a glance, they carried on past.

"You know," Tara said, her voice breaking slightly," when I left I never imagined the possibility we wouldn't get back together..." Her focus seemed to drift for a moment, she seemed barely aware of Buffy giving her hand a gentle squeeze and tug.

"We were... always," she said, wistful, as she glanced shyly at the slayer.

"Once you fall for Willow... you stay fallen. Something I wished I'd had the chance to say... while I..." She felt tears on her cheek again when Tara's lost expression, first became quizzical, then broke into a 'Tarasmile' as Willow had called it.

"I need to live Buffy. It feels like I'm abandoning you... but I can't do that here..."

Then she chuckled, causing Buffy's own look of confusion to return. "But I won't be leaving until after the wedding. I think Willow would want me to be there... Dawn too. Besides," she added, with a wicked twinkle in her eye, "you don't think I'd leave you to face Anya alone... Do you?"

Buffy laughed through her tears. She had shaken her head briefly while Tara had been speaking and wished it hadn't taken the accident, or the revelation about Spike, before she had realized how much Tara's friendship meant to her, or that life meant enough to actually be worth living.

It had to if it hurt that much.

She knew Xander was beating himself over it too. He had had her crying on his shoulder when he told her Anya had agreed to his asking Tara to give him away.

She realized suddenly that Tara was still speaking.

"... has got me a place at Oxford. The Watcher's Council is paying my fees and I'll be working part-time for them while doing my doctorates on ancient cultures and ancient languages. Olivia's arranged for me to stay rent-free at an apartment her company owns."

"Go girl," Buffy told her, very suitably impressed. The effect was only slightly spoiled by the realization that yet another friend was leaving.

Then it suddenly struck her that if... when, she knew with a sudden scary prescience, Anya had a child that Xander would leave too. Himself he might risk, even Anya... but a child?

Tara saw the sudden dreadful fear rise on the slayer's face and, having long noticed the hickey on Buffy's neck (and politely not-noticed), she caused the slayer to blush furiously.

"You sure someone hasn't been...you know," she gave a mischievous grin, and made a little vamp-fang gesture with her fingers, "snacking?" Buffy was stunned for a moment, and couldn't resist a futile attempt to restore her offending choker.

Tara's wicked chuckle as she turned away stopped her.

"Tara!" She aimed a slap at the rapidly retreating behind of the blonde witch, only to be met with a grab at her elbow as Tara pulled her into a tearful hug.

"Oh goddess," she said into he shoulder," I'm going to miss you." Reluctantly she allowed Tara to pull way, and was shocked when Tara gave her a gentle, but heartfelt, kiss on the lips.

"For Willow," she said staring into Buffy's eyes," because she always wanted to."

'Wow!' Buffy thought, electricity pulsing through her as she watched Tara, shoulders slumped and wracked with deeply suppressed sobs, walk down the street.

'You must have been nuts Will,' she told her dead friend, watching frozen as Tara turned into the Espresso Pump, pausing only briefly for a glance back up the street. 'You had to have been to even think of giving that up.'

A few seconds and she recovered enough to join Tara at the table she knew was her and Willow's favorite. She watched as Tara and the gay, welsh-Italian, waiter Claudio flirted with each other before he couldn't bear it anymore and collapsed into tears, holding her in a hug of mutual comfort.

Desperately trying to regain his equilibrium Claudio headed off to get their iced-mint moccachinos. Tara sat down and wiped her eyes with the hankie he had left her. They didn't speak at all as they waited for their drinks to arrive.

"Thank you," Buffy said as she made to pay for them. He shook his head angrily.

"For Bella Rosa," he told her defiantly. Then he turned to Tara. "One word of advice," he said, his curious welsh accent creating a bizarre aural experience as it fought through his affected Italian one, "don't go to Swansea."

He grinned and gave a Simpsons shudder before squeezing her hand and departing to another table. They grinned at each other and silently toasted Willow. They kept a shy silence for a few moments after they sipped their drinks, as if neither wanted to break the shared moment.

Finally it was Tara who braved the silence.

"Tell me something," she whispered, conspiratorially, "is William going to be your date?"

Buffy scowled at her, but couldn't keep it up, instead breaking into a chagrined smirk.

"We thought about it," she admitted, "but it didn't seem a good idea tempting fate." She shrugged. "Clem's going to be my chaperone instead." She grinned as Tara snorted. "You can be a real pixie... you know that?" "Willow loved that," she added, almost regretting it when Tara suddenly became serious.

"It seems bizarre to say it," she said hesitantly, "but I'm not at all sure Xander and Anya would be getting married if the crash hadn't happened."

Buffy shook her head in acknowledgement of the sentiment. Xander, during their heart-to-heart, had admitted how terrified he'd been getting as the day got closer.

"Since... it happened," he'd told her, Anya had become almost frugal in her wedding plans, furious with him when he'd insisted on attending Willow's funeral... and turning up to hold her sobbing fiancé’s hand, before announcing they were putting the wedding date back until... 'we can bear it,' she'd told them at the graveside.

Buffy wondered if Tara knew it was her decision to leave that had prompted their decision to get married now.

'At least Giles and Olivia can be here,' she reflected, knowing how pleased Giles had been when Anya asked him to give her away. 'Oz too,' she recalled. It had been Oz who had suggested that Tara be Xander's best - give him away, Buffy corrected.

Tara watched the conflicting expressions on Buffy's face and felt tears welling up again, especially thinking about Buffy's comment. Willow was the only one who had ever appreciated her sense of humor... and she loved the way it made her laugh.

And loved the way it brought her own long buried laughter welling up out of her. That reason, more than any other was why she had to leave Sunnydale. She feared the loss of that laughter, that to remain would burn it away.

She didn't want to remember her that way, by allowing that to happen. She looked up as she felt the warmth of the slayer's hands covering hers.

She saw the grief that she was feeling, twice over, of someone who lost too many people she had cared for -

- and something clicked inside her.

She glanced over her shoulder at the coffee bean shaped juke box and a determined smile crept across her lips. She allowed it to broaden into a grin as she pulled Buffy to her feet.

Leaving the slayer in the middle of the floor she wandered over to the juke box and surveyed the selection. She glanced over at the confused Buffy and smiled reassuringly as the display glowed under her hand.

A few seconds later, as Tara took Buffy into a hug, the sound of a sixties soul tune began echoing around the room. A deep bass voice began talking the opening lines before, with Tara whispering' I'll lead', into Buffy's ear someone began to sing plaintively.

"Oh, I see her face, everywhere I go, on the street, and even at the picture show. Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her?"

Buffy had acquiesced, not knowing what was on the blonde witch's mind. As they danced she felt sure, with terrible finality, that Tara was saying goodbye.

"Oh, I hear her voice, as the cold winds blow, in the sweet music on the radio. Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her?"

As they danced Buffy could feel Tara's body shaking as she cried her own sorrow at the life she would never now have. Buffy heard her sniff and then speak, her voice sounding just a little hoarse.

"You know that there's no reason why you have to stay in Sunnydale. There are going to be battles to be fought all over the world and Mr. Giles," Buffy felt herself smile at the fact that no matter what happened to her he would always be 'Mister' Giles to Tara, "says he could use all the help he can get kicking some prime British butt."

Buffy managed a chuckle as the plaintive cry came again.

"Oh she left her kiss upon my lips, but left a break within my heart. Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her?"

She held her friend close and squeezed. 'When I'm ready,' she thought, 'when I'm ready.'

"Oh I see her hand reaching out to me. Only she can set me free. Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her?"

Across town at the hospital a nurse shook the sleeping soon-to-be-weds awake.

"Mr. and Mrs. Harris?"

"Huh?" Xander fought to open his eyes, then shook a startled, and not too happy, Anya awake as he saw the smile on the nurse's face.

Anya's tears joined her fiancé’s as the nurse spoke.

"She's waking up, Mr. Harris," she told him, almost unable to contain her joy. "Do you know where to contact her sister?"

The End