When I'm Gone

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Joss rules; I drool. They're his. I wish they were mine, but then they couldn't show it in prime time. Oh well. The song is by 3 Doors Down.

Distribution: The Mystic Muse http://mysticmuse.net

If you want it, please ask me first.

Spoilers: Prophecy Girl.

Feedback: Please!

Pairing: Willow/Buffy

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away
Maybe I'm just blind
Maybe I'm just blind

Dear Will,

If you're reading this, it means I didn't come back.

I'm not really sure what I want to say, because I've never written a letter like this before. I've never been in a position where... the thing about it is, I was in the library earlier, before I came to your house, and Angel was there. He was talking to Giles about some prophecy or other and basically, what it said was, when I go to fight the Master, I'm going to die. And I quit. Right there, I was done. I told Giles and Angel both, I didn't want to die, and I wasn't going to go.

But then you called me, and I came, and you told me everything that happened to you today, and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I couldn't let that go, knowing how badly they hurt you. I couldn't do it.

So I'm going now, as soon as I finish this letter, and I'm going to take care of the Master once and for all. Because I want this world to be safe for you. You're my light, Will. Maybe you don't know it, but you are. You're so special, and you're so important. And I don't think you even know it.

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'd never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone

You see, Willow, something hugely important happened to me on my first day at Sunnydale High. I'm not talking about meeting Giles or stopping the Harvest or meeting Angel or any of those other things. What happened was, I was walking through the halls talking to Cordelia, and we came up to the water fountain... and you were there. You were there, in your jumper and your tights, with your hair all long and your eyes all wide, and Cordelia just ripped you to shreds... and I found myself just wanting to kill her.

And then when you walked away, I couldn't help but follow you with my eyes, and I was afraid you would think I was just like her. But then I got ashamed, because I used to be just like her, only worse. I was afraid that I'd never be worthy of you.

Because Will... I'm in love with you.

When your education x-ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my fans
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive and I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

There. I said it. I'm in love with you. I'm crushing on Angel, but I'm in love with Willow. And I've been afraid to say anything because I was afraid of driving you away. I know you have this unrequited thing with Xander, but... I wish... well, I guess it doesn't matter what I wish, does it? Because if I live through this, you'll never see this letter; and if I don't, and you read this, I'm gone already.

But still, I do wish I had a chance with you. I... you're such a good friend, and you have a heart of gold, and you're so special... not to mention, pretty much a hottie... and I really think we could have been good together. But I guess now we won't have the chance.

So I guess this is it. I'm about to leave, to face down the Master and end this once and for all. He has to die, and if I have to die facing him, then I'm taking him with me. And I'm doing it for you.

It's very important to me that you know this. You don't have a lot of self esteem, Willow, and that bothers me. Because you're an awesome person and a good friend and a beautiful girl. So it's very, very important to me that you know this, and that you never, ever forget it. When the thing to be saved was the world, I quit. But when the thing to be saved was you, I took up my weapons and I rejoined the fight. Because I love you.

Forever.

Buffy.

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'd never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone

The End

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