Ocean Floor

By Rainne

Copyright © 2003

Djgirl1978@bellsouth.net

Willow,

I’ve done things so wrong. Really, everything. Nothing’s been right since I came back, and a lot of that is my fault. I blamed you, you see. I blamed you for being selfish and self-centered and for not being able to live without me. And then, I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I became blind to yours.

I am so, so sorry. And I’m going to make it up to you. I promise. When you get back, I’m going to be your best friend again, and I’m going to do it better than I ever did before. I think I forgot for a while that it’s always been you and me against the world, y’know?

You remember right before graduation, when you told me you were going to stay in Sunnydale and I told you I kinda love you? Well I still do, only it’s not kinda. I love you, Will, and I need you with me. Get better quick, okay? ‘Cause I gotta have my Willow.

-Buffy

Buff:

You were right to blame me. I *was* selfish and self-centered. And I couldn’t live without you. I think... I think Tara knew that, and I think that was part of the reason why she left when she did. She knew that I had to get my head on straight before she could go on with me. And don’t feel bad about being so wrapped up in your pain that you couldn’t see mine, because I was guilty of the exact same thing. I was so busy trying to be the badass Wicca that I forgot about being Willow.

You don’t have to make anything up to me. I think we’ve both committed the same sins. I have missed my best friend, but I think my best friend has missed me, too. And of course it’s you and me against the world. Sometimes even against Xander. (smile) I got your back, girl.

How could I forget that day, Buffy? Sitting on the grass outside the school watching Commandant Snyder terrorize kids in the lunch area, talking about our futures. I told you that you fight a good fight, Buffy, and I want in. And those words are still true. I still want in. And... I love you, too.

-Wills

Will,

Giles called yesterday while you were training with the coven. He says he thinks you’re almost ready to come home. I’m so glad, because I’m ready for you to be home. The house is too quiet with just me and Dawn here, especially since she stays gone so much. She misses you terribly and so do I.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple of weeks – you can probably smell the smoke all the way over there in England! And what I was thinking about was love. It’s funny... I loved Angel, I really did... and then he was Angelus and he ripped my heart out. And then I had to kill him and it nearly destroyed me. And then he was back – but it wasn’t the same. After everything we went through with Angelus... I tried to convince myself that it was the same and that I still felt the same way, but I didn’t – not really. And he knew that; it’s why he left. And then you were with Oz and then I met Riley and everything was just crazy with the Initiative and all... and by the time the fog in my brain cleared, you were with Tara... and then I was dead.

You know, the whole time I was dead, I didn’t really know much. I mean, I was warm and safe and loved... but there was something missing, too. I was content enough, but not happy or even really satisfied. And then suddenly I was alive again, with all the badness that came along with that... and then Spike... and now Tara’s gone, and nobody’s seen or heard from Spike in months (thank God for small favors). But there’s still something not quite complete in my life... and I think that’s you. Because... God, this is SO not the right place for this...

Look, I know I shouldn’t do this in an email, because this is really something that wants face-to-face telling, but I’m afraid that if I wait any longer I’ll lose my nerve. Despite everything that I do night after night, Will, I think you know that when it comes to feelings and stuff, I’m really a terrible coward. So here it is.

I love you. Not like my sister or my best friend, but like Tara loved you – that’s how I love you.

You probably hate me right now, because I’m sure that’s the last thing you wanted to hear from me, but there it is and I had to say it and now I have to send this before I chicken out completely and delete this message. So... look, I know you don’t feel the same way about me, but please please know that I will NOT let this get in the way of our friendship and I still want you back as my very best bud in the world.

-Buffy

Buffy,

I’m kind of in shock... I just read your letter and, well, all I can say really is wow. I was speechless for probably thirty minutes after I read it, just reading it over and over and hearing bells and things in my head.

First of all, there’s no way I could ever, ever hate you. No matter what happens. Even when I was evil I didn’t hate you, I was just mad at everyone and I said things because I wanted everyone else to hurt as badly as I did.

I... wow, for someone who usually babbles on and on about nothing, I’m sure having trouble finding words right now. It’s like my vocabulary has deserted me. Go ahead, laugh; you know you want to. I guess the best way to do this is to just do it so here goes:

I love you too – I always have. Ever since the first day we met, when you came and asked me to help you catch up on your schoolwork, even at the risk of incurring the Wrath of Cordelia. Hell, maybe even before that – in the hallway at the water fountain, when you looked at her like she was a complete jerk for being nasty to me.

I bet you didn’t think I remembered that. But I do. I always will. Because I knew even then that you were special. I... you know that one song by Savage Garden, where the guy sings "I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life"? It’s sappy, but every time I hear that song, I think of you. Because I think I’ve always been waiting for you. Everyone else – Xander, Oz, Tara – all of them were just practice runs for the time when I would be able to say to you that I love you.

And I’m ready to be home too – because I want to be able to look you in the eyes and say to you that I love you, out loud and forever.

~Willow

Buffy,

Just a brief note letting you know that Willow is on her way back. I’ve just put her on the plane this morning. She’s very, very eager to be back.

She’s coming into New York via British Airways, then on Southwestern Airlines from New York through Houston and Los Angeles, and thence to Sunnydale. Barring delays, her flight into Sunnydale should arrive around noon tomorrow, your time. She and I have talked quite a lot over the last months and I think you’ll find that the Willow who comes off the plane is more like the Willow we knew when you and I first met.

She’s also convinced me to come back as well; the things she’s told me about what’s really gone on during my absence are disturbing, as I’m sure you know. I was wrong to leave, Buffy, and I apologise for that. I’ll be back in Sunnydale Monday week.

Another bit of good news – you can leave that job at the Doublemeat Palace. I’ve put through a request to the Council and had it approved that they provide you with a monthly salary. They never thought of it – having an adult Slayer who must support herself is a relatively new concept for them. But you should be receiving your first cheque from them within the next week or so.

I haven’t told you this before, Buffy, because, being British, it’s not a comfortable subject for me, but I’m going to tell you something now that I always thought you knew. Willow, however, has informed me in loud and repetitive terms that one must say these things occasionally, or people forget. Therefore: I do love you, Buffy. You have been like my own daughter and I am very, very proud of everything you have accomplished. I shall endeavour to remind you of this occasionally, so that you do not forget any more.

That being said, I must close, as I’ve a Council meeting to attend this afternoon and several tasks to accomplish before I may go.

Until I see you next I remain,

Your Watcher,

Giles.