Hanging by a Moment

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Lifehouse wrote the song; Joss invented the characters. The only thing that belongs to me is the story itself.

Distribution: The Mystic Muse http://mysticmuse.net

If you want it, please ask me first.

Spoilers: Up to Season four.

Warnings: Lesbian fuzzies, bit o' angst.

Feedback: Please!

Pairing: Willow/Buffy

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'd been sitting in the Bronze by myself, wondering if Xander was going to show and nursing a mocha, when she bounced up behind me with a cheery "Hi!" I remember jumping, startled, because no one except Xander or Jesse ever talked to me at the Bronze. And there she was, her hair done cute and her makeup perfect and her clothes so stylish, and she was talking to me! We chit-chatted about meaningless things, and I skirted the issue of having a boyfriend because I didn't want her to freak out when I told her I liked girls.

Then she gave me her philosophy. "Seize the moment, 'cuz tomorrow you might be dead." Little did I know how true that could be. So when that pretty blonde girl, Darla, started talking to me, I decided to seize the moment. Imagine my surprise when she told me she, too, liked girls, and thought I was cute. So we decided to go to the ice cream bar. And then everything was bad; and then Buffy saved me. I think that's when I went from crush to true love.

I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I let things go for a few weeks, but as we got closer, the feelings I held for her just got stronger. Through dealing with Amy and her mom, through the substitute praying mantis, I kept quiet, not daring to speak. Then there was Angel, and she gushed over him. I knew she was crushing hard on him, and I bottled up my feelings, not wanting to drive my new friend away.

Then she found out Angel was a vampire. She came to me for comfort. Of course, I was there. Good old reliable Willow, she's always there for everybody else. And then something snapped inside me. I was fifteen years old and had never dated anyone in my life except Xander in kindergarten, I'd spent the last ten years of my life being taunted and slapped down by Cordelia and her minions, and I was tired of it. I was tired of constantly holding myself in. So I sat her up, I dried her eyes, and I looked her dead in the face. "I've got to tell you something."

forgetting all I'm lacking
completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
you take all of me

She took my declaration silently. Of course, it's not every day that you have a girl stop you in the middle of venting about your lost potential-hot-new-boyfriend to tell you that she wants to be your girlfriend. But there it was. I told her flat-out that I thought she was beautiful and that Angel was a moron. And then I told her that I was crazy about her and I wanted to date her. I told her that I would understand if she was totally straight and not interested, that I would want to still be friends, but that I had to be true to myself and tell her. I finished with, "Besides, you told me to seize the moment. Witness me seizing."

She laughed at that, a deep, heartfelt laugh that told me that even if she didn't want to date me, our friendship would continue unscathed. And then she took my face in her hands and kissed me very gently on the lips. "I am so glad you said something," she whispered to me. "Because I feel the same way about you. I have since the first day I saw you at school."

now.. I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

From that day forward, we were inseparable. Xander freaked out when he first found out, but after a few weeks he was his old self again, making dirty jokes as was his tendency. We indulged him. After all, he was a vital part of our group. So we moved through tenth grade year, surviving everything the Hellmouth decided to throw at us. But we didn't plan on Cordelia Chase.

It was three weeks into second semester, just after we came back from winter break, when Cordelia confronted Buffy and I in the main hallway at school, in front of everyone. "So are you guys dykes or what?" she asked, her little pack of morons simpering and preening behind her. The entire hall came to a dead stop around us and everything went still. I squeezed Buffy's hand, which I had been holding when the bitch queen approached us, and she squeezed back. I felt reassured. Then Buffy smiled a nasty sort of smile, the kind of smile I'd seen more than once on Cordy's face right before she ripped into me, and I caught a glimpse of Buffy's inner Cordelia when she said, "Look, Cordelia, I've already told you, we're not into ménage a trois. I'm sorry. You're going to have to find your own, because I don't share Willow with anybody. But hey, maybe Harmony would be willing to break you in. I hear she'll do anything for some action." And then, with me firmly by her side, she marched past them and down the hall, heading for a bathroom where we collapsed against each other in hysterical laughter.

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running here and crashing
where to go?
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

We stayed together through all the pressures of high school, through dealing with the Master into dealing with the demon that emerged when Angel got involved with a girl from the university and experienced a moment of happiness, and from there into dealing with the Mayor at graduation. Through it all, we were together, and I believe we were stronger in our love than either of us could have been apart.

Then we came to college, and Buffy met Riley. Cro-Magnon to the core, Riley was both dumb and in over his head with the Initiative, a government-run secret demon-fighting group. Buffy figured it out during the debacle with the Gentlemen, and she thought for a time that she might like to get involved with them; after all, backup can't be a bad thing, or so we thought. Then we found out what was really going on, and Professor Walsh tried to kill Buffy, not realizing what the Slayer is built for. And then there was Adam.

there's nothing left to lose
nothing left to fly
there is nothing in the world that can change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else..

After the battle with Adam, Buffy didn't come back. We searched for her for over two months, but we couldn't find her. We found Adam's remains, including the mangled power pack that she had pulled out of his chest, but of Buffy there was no trace. Finally, Giles and I came to the terrible conclusion that the magic we channeled had overloaded Buffy. She had probably incinerated on the spot.

I was devastated. I had thought we would be together forever, forgetting entirely the fact that Buffy had already survived longer than any other Slayer in recorded history. I holed up in our dorm room for twenty-six days, refusing to answer the door or the phone. I contemplated suicide seriously several times, always backing down because of what Buffy would say. Then a recent acquaintance, a girl named Tara from the on-campus Wicca group, came and got me, refusing to take no for an answer, and made me go out. She said it wasn't healthy. She was right. Buffy was gone, and I needed to move on.

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you

Tara took me to the Bronze, where Xander and Giles were waiting. I knew as soon as I saw them that they had planned this, and I was furious at first, until Xander came up and pulled me into a bear hug, not speaking. Giles came and joined him, hugging us both, and I realized that I had been selfish in my grief. They were both hurting as well. We could be comfort to one another.

We sat all night in a quiet, dark corner, drinking coffee and trading Buffy stories. We would laugh until we cried or cry until we laughed. And we began to heal that night. Giles told us that he'd been contacted by the Watchers' Council with news about Faith—she'd finally passed away and a new Slayer had been called. For the rest of the world, life went on as usual. But I was dead inside.

I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

And then I woke up one night, hearing a strange sound. I looked up to see a portal opening in the middle of the room I had shared with Buffy. From the portal stepped a young man in a toga. He smiled at me and spoke directly into my mind. "Don't be afraid."

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I am a messenger. I come to bring you word. The one you have sought is not lost, only gone for a time. This was necessary."

"The one—what? Are you talking about Buffy?"

He nodded. "She is not dead. She will come back to you. This was necessary. The power you channeled was too much—her human form could not handle the intensity. She has been in a place of healing. Much was done and things have been changed.

"Changed?" I was worried now. "Changed how?"

"Circumstances," he replied vaguely. "There is no cause for alarm. It was determined that a debt was owed due to recent occurrences. It is hoped that the debt will be considered now paid in full."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

And then she was there, stepping out of the portal behind the messenger, dressed in the same clothes she'd been wearing when she went off to fight Adam. "I'll explain, lover," she offered, smiling broadly at me. "The Powers That Be took me, because I died saving the world, and offered me a choice. I could die, and go on to the afterlife, or I could be healed and return to Earth as a champion of the gods. I chose option number two. But the debt that he's talking about occurred because no one bothered to explain to anyone left behind what happened: for your suffering and pain, and for everyone else who has suffered due to my absence. As an attempt at repayment of this debt, I have been offered the opportunity to resign my Slayerhood. A life free from demon fighting, free from constant fear of death, free from all of that. A normal life. But it's up to you to decide if this repays the debt. I believe it does, but you are the one who was most harmed by my absence, and so it's yours to decide. Is the offer of a long, happy, normal life worth my being gone for the last couple of months?"

How could I say no? "Of course it's worth it!" I exclaimed.

"Then you consider the debt repaid?" the messenger clarified.

I nodded. "I do."

"Then my work here is done." He stepped into the portal and he was gone, leaving my Buffy there for me. She was even more beautiful than I remembered, with a healthy glow about her and a huge smile on her face. And then she was in my arms, holding me tightly, kissing me softly, and swearing never to be apart from me again.

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running here and crashing
where to go?
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

The End

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