Witness by The Rainbow Writers

Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya, Giles, Dawn, Spike and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of Joss Whedon, Fox and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the authors. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Please contact the authors for permission to reproduce this story on any other fan fiction site.
Distribution: The Rainbow Writer's Homepage: http://www.therainbowwriters.com/
Mystic Muse: http://mysticmuse.net
Spoilers: Season 6.
Feedback: All feedback is welcome.
Pairing: Willow/Other

Summary: Willow struggles with her rehabilitation in England.

Dawn gripped the fluffy purple throw pillow tighter as she buried her face into it trying to stifle the tears that she didn't want to be streaming down her face. She didn't understand why no one would just tell her things and she didn't understand why no one ever had the sense to be worried about her at the same time. Most of all she wished exactly what she had said. She wished Tara wasn't dead, the blonde witch had always understood her or at least had tried to a lot more than Buffy ever did.

"Call me a silly old lady but someone looks like they need someone to talk to." Rose carefully stepped into the teenager's bedroom, carefully awaiting a reaction from Dawn before she continued in a bit further. She clutched her small purse in front of her having picked it up from the spare room.

"Did Buffy make you come up here so she wouldn't have to?" Dawn's voice was cold and distant as she voiced the question and wiped at her face.

"Your sister may be the slayer deary, but even she couldn't make Mrs. Lauder do something." The old woman remained still for a moment.

"Good, you shouldn't let her push you around. She does that to everyone all the time because she's the slayer and she thinks she's all important." Dawn pushed up a bit to sit cradling the pillow in her lap. "Just like she treats me like a kid who's too stupid to understand things and then expects me to take care of myself when she has something better to do, depending on the mood she's in."

"But you're not a child?" Rose carefully eased down on the edge of the bed. "You see from where I am sitting, you look like a child, a brave but frightened child, who has lost a lot and who needs to be understood and involved in everything that happens." She said softly. "Dawn…" She began again looking at the teenager. "When you are sixteen, a part of you so much wants to be an adult, but another part of you wants, needs to cling on to the freedom that childhood gives you. Only…" She paused and looked up meeting Dawn's reddened eyes. "Your childhood never gave you any freedom, did it?" She asked tenderly.

"I was never a child, the monks made me out of a ball of energy." Dawn looked down. "There are memories but we know they are all made up."

"I don't feel made up, I don't feel like someone made me." The teenager underlined. "If I was made up it wouldn't have hurt so much when my Mom died, or when Buffy died or when Tara died." She sniffled again.

Rose pulled a small cotton handkerchief from out of her purse and passed it discretely to the young woman, as Dawn took it she slipped her hand back into her purse and pulled out something handing it over to Dawn as well.

"My daughter." The old woman said softly, tapping the muted colors on the care worn photograph that showed a bright pretty teenaged young woman flying a kite in a large daisy filled meadow.

"I didn't know you had a daughter." Dawn smiled at the photograph. "Where is she? I hope you let her know you were coming."

"Oh yes she knows." Rose smiled more looking between the photograph and Dawn. "She was more than happy to let me come, she knew people needed me."

"She could fly over and join you, she can share my room." Dawn offered immediately. "I mean if you don't mind her being on a Hellmouth."

"Abby's with Tara and your Mom deary, I lost her when she was seventeen." The older woman glanced again at the photograph lightly held in Dawn's fingertips. "Fate gives and takes away." She whispered. "From us all."

"I didn't know, I'm sorry." Dawn looked down at the photo frowning. "Does it make you sad still?" She questioned softly.

"How could it not?" Rose admitted. "Every sunset I see that she doesn't share with me, every rainbow that arcs across the sky whose beauty she misses, makes me miss her more. But then I remember that she saw rainbows, she watched the sun rise and fall in my arms, and I can't be sad anymore because fate allowed me to have that." She took a slightly staggered breath as her old eyes filled with tears. "Fate may have taken many things from you Dawn, but it has given you so many things too."

"I miss my Mom, Buffy and I didn't fight so much when she was around." Dawn's voice was soft. "And Tara, she took care of me when Buffy died."

"I wish I had met her both your mother and Tara." Rose admitted. "If only to congratulate them both on the job they did with you and Buffy." She breathed softly. "Dawn, Ruthie will never, ever take Tara's place in Willow's life. You have to understand that, no matter how hard it seems to believe." The older woman reached across Dawn for a moment and tapped the photograph lightly. "When I lost Abby, I swore I would never live again, my life, my baby had been taken from me, how dare the world expect me to just live again?" She smiled at herself. "Just a year later I started working at the Manor, looking after young girls, all of them about Abby's age." She laughed more. "Fate has a sense of humor too you see." Her tone sobered again. "Willow didn't want to fall in love with Ruthie Dawn, she didn't do it to hurt you, or to forget Tara, I know for a fact she would never do either of those things, she did it because…" She paused. "Well actually there is no because, love, like it always does, just happened." Mrs. Lauder pushed up from the bed and stepped away from it a little, leaving Dawn holding the photograph.

"I don't want anyone to forget her." Dawn looked down at the photograph and then up at Rose. "I don't want to forget her." She added her voice thicker. "Sometimes I'm afraid I am, forgetting both of them. I don't want to ever do that, the time I had with them was real not made up, and it's my time."

"Which is why no one can take it from you." Rose smiled, as she crossed back over to the teenager. With surprising agility she crouched down and looked into Dawn's sad brown eyes. "No one but you knows how it felt when your mother held you and called you twinkle toes or whatever cute little name I just know for a fact she must have had for you. No one but you has the crystal clear memory of what it was like to wake up in a house filled with the smell of pancakes, and probably laughter from both Willow and Tara as they made this your home despite all the pain and the hardships. Dawn." She paused and boldly reached out covering Dawn's young hands with her old ones. "Nothing that your mother or Tara gave you can anyone take away and you certainly won't ever forget them, either of them." She squeezed her hands. "Ask me what I bought Abby for her eleventh birthday." She nodded at the teenager.

"What did you buy Abby for her eleventh birthday?" Dawn sniffled as she asked the question.

"I don't remember." Rose chuckled. "But I do remember how she looked when she opened it, all wide eyed and pinky cheeked." She lifted a lined hand and cupped Dawn's cheek. "You will always remember." She whispered. "You will always remember the love even if a few of the details fade."

"She used to call me Pumpkin Belly." Dawn's thin veneer of strength crumpled as she pressed herself into the older woman's arms and started to sob.

Buffy reluctantly tipped out the burnt waffle into the garbage disposal and sighed as she pulled the plug out of the wall. She hoped that despite her three failed attempts there would be enough batter left to at least salvage breakfast for Dawn if in fact her sister had remembered she did love waffles even if she had a pancake embargo on the go at the moment.

"Is something burning?" The back door swung open and Giles walked in with arms filled with shopping bags.

"I was trying to make waffles. Well Rose was until 'Dawn the Volcano' woke up and had a thing." Buffy signed and took one of the bags from him. "Though hey they've been upstairs for almost a half hour and I haven't heard her screeching yet."

"An episode about what, dare I ask?" Giles frowned as he put the rest of the shopping on the island and slowly began to unpack the groceries.

"A combo of me mistakenly mentioning pancakes and her overhearing that Willow and Ruth are together now." Buffy filled him in as she tore open the bag to get to a bagel.

"A subject that needed delicate handling." Giles watched nodding sadly. "Well I am sure I can go up and take over from Mrs. Lauder if you think I would do a better job."

"Giles I mean this in a nice way but Dawn's got you somewhere on her people to hate list under me. She's fine she just needs to adjust, you know how Dawn is." Buffy turned to put the milk in the fridge.

"I hate to disagree with a Slayer and a Watcher." Rose's voice came from the doorway. "But that young lady is far from alright." She crossed into the kitchen and looked at the massacred waffles. "Buffy." She looked at the Slayer with a smile. "Could I speak to Mr. Giles for a moment?" She added never once losing her smile.

"Is there something wrong with Dawn?" Buffy asked her focus still on the woman's first comment.

"She's taking a bath, and then is going to read me her English assignment." Rose nodded. "She'll be down when she's ready."

"Oh… I'll go grab her laundry then and get that started." Buffy noticed the odd way that Rose was still smiling and she hastily left them to talk.

Rose waited until Buffy was out of earshot before turning to look at Giles, her eyes hardening slightly.

"Mr. Giles." She said her tone clipped, her smile long gone. "Could I inquire as to exactly what you were attempting to achieve by abandoning these young people when they needed you the most?"

"I beg your pardon?" Giles stood up and straightened his waistcoat. "I did not abandon anyone, there were circumstances that required action."

"Poppycock." Rose snapped at him. "What needed your attention was a sixteen year old child who had lost a mother and two sisters in less than a year, a twenty one year old young woman who had motherhood suddenly pressed onto her already weighted shoulders and a handful of other poor young people left without a guide or figurehead in their world. Again I ask you, what could possibly have been in your head?"

"If I must explain myself I was attempting to help Buffy realize the level of responsibility she must now undertake and with me here she had a tendency to expect that I would take care of it and she wasn't learning how to take care of herself or Dawn. A slayer cannot be so ill prepared." Giles laid out the reason stiffly.

"And just what was so wrong with Buffy relying on you to be her guide and her sisters role model? I hardly need to tell you Mr. Giles a slayer is never born expected to take on the role of motherhood, their responsibility is one greater and higher than even that honor. They are never expected to have the worry of pay checks and laundry." She kept her scowl. "I know all to well about the Council and what they are capable of providing, a first class ride to America helped solidify my thoughts, were they ever wavering. What you have succeeded in creating here Mr. Giles are two young women both so terrified of losing everything they have that neither really know how to live anymore. Buffy isn't in touch with her own emotions to even start to be able to reach Dawn and all her problems."

Giles tried to form a response but everything that came to mind quickly died on his lips so that for a long moment he was just stood there his mouth pursed as if he was ready to speak though no words came.

"I don't know how to make things right for them. I don't even know where to begin." He finally admitted.

"My first suggestion would be money." Rose walked over to the notice board by the fridge and pulled off a wad of bills, she passed them to Giles. "And then I would move on to counseling, for Dawn." She clarified. "Nothing intense or heavy, just a chance for her to talk to someone other than her sister, one of the people who died on her." She pointed out the specific reason. "Quite honestly Mr. Giles it is at time like this that I wonder why the Council ever thought that 'Men' would make acceptable Watchers." She shook her head. "And where on earth are all the photographs in this house?" She added turning her attention to fixing a new, this time edible, batch of waffles.

The redhead felt her tight body jolt and in an instant the nightmarish dreamscape she had been wrapped up in was torn away. She could feel the thin veil of sweat covering her shaking body as she was pulled back by a familiar voice.

"Ru?" She whispered only staring at the navy cotton material in front of her eyes, she couldn't dare to look up until she was sure.

"Right here." Ruth's soft English tone spoke instantly. "Shiner and all." She assured the frightened redhead. "I think I've worked out how to wake you up without riding in on my white horse." She moved her hand and pushed back sweat soaked red hair. "Breath easy Lo, breath easy." She dropped her tone even softer.

"I like you on the white horse." Willow offered finally opening her eyes so that she could look into navy ones as she began to concentrate on her breathing.

"I'm not sure with these arms I could handle a charger." Ruth laughed softly as she itched the top of dirty white bandages. "I think my Lo has done a little too much laying down sleeping."

"I think you're right." Willow pulled up a little more. "I think we need to change these bandages." She looked to the side table where she wasn't surprised to see Xander had already stacked up fresh bandages and tape.

"Where did Xander go?" Ruth eased back from Willow and glanced around their stark but adequate motel room.

"By the look at the time he's on Xander tummy time." Willow shifted over stretching her arms a little before she shuffled off quickly to get some warm water and a cloth from the bathroom. "He has this eating schedule." She laughed lightly as she came back and rested it beside the bed. "Are you ready for a bandage change?"

"No, and either way you still get pressies." Willow tried to make her feel better. "And anything else you'd like." She rang out the cloth.

"You have a way of even making bandage changes seem inviting." Ruth drew both arms and placed them on top of the sheets. "Though they're gonna be icky, no change since Rose did them." She screwed up her nose.

"The good thing is that I'm a Scooby." Willow smiled softly at the other witch as she began to undo the bandages on her left arm first. "I've done icky and double icky for years."

Ruth watched Willow for a long moment as she carefully unwound the stained wraps.

"So what does Lo tummy want for yummies?" She said wincing as Willow tried to ease the second to last layer of the bandage off her left arm, predictably it tugged at the raw skin. The bandages on the right came off a little easier.

"I don't know, I guess something American." Willow smirked as she began cleaning Ruth's arms of the dried blood that had seeped out since the wounds were dressed. "The antibiotic cream might sting." She scrunched up her nose.

"I can be a brave Ru." She tried to ease the redhead's worry. "So come on tempt me to American tastes."

"Mmmm… well…" Willow began coating the cuts in salve as she tried to think. "Do you know I can't think of a single thing that is American I can tempt you with?"

"Well you're not thinking too hard then." Ruth gave a little wink and then laughed wincing even more as the cream worked in.

"Was that a cheeky comment missy?" The redhead blushed as she tried to quickly finish with the salve.

"It was a slightly risky comment." Ruth leaned back into her pillows slightly. "But one without any pressure or secret heaviness." She underlined gently.

"I like the risky comments, means you're healing." Willow smiled at her and leaned forward carefully to kiss her gently.

"Buffy did a really good job." Willow appraised looking down at the neat stitches. "But I'm going to have to do lots to pamper you." She noted as she began to wind bandages around the witch's right arm.

"You get pampering too." Ruth said softly trying to keep as still as she could as Willow worked. "Do you want to do some meditating when you've done, or some Tai chi?"

"I think you're arms need to heal a little more before you try anything like that baby." The redhead shook her head as she finished and began the other arm. "And I think we're going to need jet lag time and adjustment to new place time."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ruth enquired softly as Willow continued her careful work.

"Talk about what Ru?" Willow looked up as she taped down the end of the bandages finishing her task. "Okay so yeah lots of stuff running around in my little big brain but most importantly right now is keeping you safe and helping you heal."

"That doesn't rate most important with me." Ruth shook her head. "You do." She underlined. "You and that little big brain." She smiled at the cute term.

"Maybe some Tai Chi would do me good, just to focus you know?" Willow tucked away all the supplies. "I'm not sure I'm in an eating mood, those pills have made my tummy all fluttery."

"Poor teeny tiny tum." Ruth gave a sad smile. "If you want to you could call Buffy if you don't think I'm up to working with you."

"I'm sure she's going to come by anyway to check on us, it's not like the Slayer to let us out of her sights for long." Willow admitted. "What can we get you to eat though? No reason you're tummy should be empty."

"Well I guess I could do to the corner store or something, they do have corner stores in Sunnydale right?" She checked.

"We do have corner stores, but there is no way I am letting you out to run amok with your arms all sore Ru." Willow shook her head adamantly. "We can call in pizza or chicken or pretty much anything. There's a nice sub place that does yummy sandwiches."

"Maybe later, after your session with Buffy." Ruth offered a compromise. "You have no idea how much I worry about you do you?" She added even softer as she looked into Willow's green eyes. "How much I think about your little big brain, and your little Elmo body?" She stopped and flexed her hands testing the tension in the bandages. "I love you Lo." She whispered.

"I love you too Ru." Willow's voice was soft as she reached up and put her hands around one of Ruth's. "And I know how much you worry, I don't have to be an empath to know that, it's almost as much as I worry about you."

"Buffy's coming." Ruth glanced at the door just moments before the came a short knock on the motel room door.

"Come in." Willow smiled as she squeezed Ruth's hand and turned towards the door.

"You better have a large dog or some kind of protection up." Buffy glared over at the two witches on the bed. "I could have been anyone and you just call out come in." She shook her head as she walked in.

"Ruth knew it was you from your signature." Willow smiled at the Slayer. "See I told you she was overprotective, wait till she issues you your own cross, stake and bottle of holy water."

"She gave me them already." Ruth replied. "Stocking stuffer." She grinned at both women.

"How are you two doing?" Buffy chose to ignore the conversation as she perched down on the chair, turning it round to face the bed as she did.

"You did a great job on Ruth's stitches." Willow turned up slightly and sat down beside Ruth on the bed. "But I'm still mad at you for the whole drugging us thing."

"Xander filled me in on the whole side effects thing, I just met him outside." Buffy winced in apology. "Rose is going to be so sorry."

"Just promise me that no one is ever going to slip either of us anything every again and I'll reconsider turning your hair green." She winked at her best friend.

"Promise." She nodded. "Now do either of you need anything?" She glanced between the two of them again.

"Actually Ruth needs something to eat." Willow looked at the dark haired witch. "I was trying to sell her on the virtues of Subway."

"We're going to eat after you help Lo unwind a little." Ruth eased out from the bed, and moved towards the bathroom.

The Slayer watched her move away and let the door closed before looking at Willow with a slight frown.

"She's worried I'm too high strung and wants us to do some Tai Chi." Willow slipped out of bed and stretched her arms upwards. "I told her she wasn't well enough with her arms." She added softly.

"How are they? I noticed the bandages." Buffy nodded towards the garbage. "How are you?" She added sharing her general concern.

"They are good, sore but you know doing good." Willow nodded as she stretched out her calf, pulling it up behind her. "And I'm… I'm in a hotel room, not very threatening."

"I don't wanna make your day worse…" Buffy stripped off her jacket and slipped off her boots. "But…" She hesitated as she pushed up her sleeves and looked at Willow.

"But?" Willow arched her back and then stationed herself ready to start a series of movements.

"Dawn kinda found out about you and Ruth this morning." Buffy matched Willow's stance but her look was a worried one.

"I don't think so." Buffy admitted. "When I left she was reading Mrs. Lauder her English report, having eaten at least four waffles. Apparently they are going frame shopping this afternoon."

"Frame shopping?" Willow was perplexed to say the least, after all Dawn finding out something she didn't like usually resulted in a Summers' teenage meltdown.

"I don't understand it either." Buffy admitted. "There was no screaming, no broken china…" She stopped and shook her head. "I'm waiting for the meltdown anytime."

"I'm sorry this has caused so much trouble." Willow turned and moved her arms around her thin body clutching herself.

"If by 'this' you mean you or Ruth, or even you and Ruth, don't be like that." Buffy shook her head mirroring Willow's movements. "Will, nothing that has happened here is your fault, nothing that Dawn melts down about is your fault, you or Ruth's." She glanced towards the closed bathroom door.

"It's not Ruth's fault." Willow agreed and then sat down on the edge of the bed with a sigh. "But it is mine. I know she blames me for what happened… blames me for…" She didn't finish her sentence.

"No Will." Buffy moved over and knelt in front of her best friend. "You mustn't think that, Dawn does not blame you for Tara, she knows who killed Tara, she knows that if you could have you would have saved her." She stressed and without thinking liberally using the blonde's name.

"That wasn't your fault." Buffy shook her head again firmer. "Willow." She looked up trying to catch her best friend's eyes. "You can't blame yourself, you don't blame yourself do you?" Her voice changed into a questioning tone.

"You know I just thought it's eight hours ahead where Ruth's tummy is, so I should run out and get her that sub. I mean if she doesn't eat then her arms can't get better." Willow swung her leg and with an agile swivel was up and standing away from the Slayer. "You can stay here with her while I go right?" She questioned as she pulled on a cardigan.

"No, Willow." Buffy pushed back and was on her feet in seconds. "I'll go, you stay."

"We can all go." The dark haired witch appeared at the bathroom door she crossed straight over to Willow and pressed her lips to the side of soft red hair. "Breathe." She whispered before pulling back.

"Only if you let me do a block." Willow's words squeaked a bit as she breathed out and in again.

"No block." Ruth whispered kissing her again. "My focus is you, the rest of the world won't exist." Again she pressed soft lips to silky hair. "In and out baby, in and out." She nuzzled her nose against Willow's head for a moment listening to her breathing even out a little.

"I'm fine." Willow spoke the small mantra almost to herself as she followed the instructions for a long few moments even forgetting that Buffy was in the room with them. "Maybe I'll get a salad." She tried to use a diversion in her own mind to derail the sinking feeling in her body.

"And maybe…" Ruth slid her hand down over Willow's arm down to her hand, entwining their fingers and slowly lifting their arms together, ignoring the pull in the tight skin. "You and I…" She continued to whisper as she drew her cheek along side Willow's. "Are going to stay right here…" She breathed out softly and moved the other hand down to take Willow's other hand, drawing their arms up to draw around their waist. "And focus, while Buffy." Navy eyes flicked up to look at the Slayer. "Goes and gets us the works." She breathed a little deeper and moved rather gracefully around to behind the redhead, dropping her hands just for a second as she positioned herself tightly behind the slightly taller woman's body. Drawing their arms back up into a ready position.

"Focus." Willow repeated as she stepped out widening her stance a little as her body settled into the familiar pose.

"Focus, breathing and center." Ruth whispered her voice gently caressing Willow's ear as she nestled her head in close again, easing them side ways to let their right legs extend, lowering slowly on their left leg. Navy eyes flicked up again to catch Buffy who was just stood there. "Go." Ruth mouthed, though her eyes had already made the soft instruction.

Buffy trudged through the streets heading towards 'Subway', her head down and even in the light jacket she barely noticed the heavy dark overcast in the sky that threatened a heavy cold rain. Her active but somewhat jetlagged brain turning circle after self-condemning circle. It was obviously a 'dense Buffy' day she decided as she crossed the street paying little attention to the traffic causing her to receive a loud blast of someone's car horn.

"Sorry." She apologized lamely as she glanced up mindlessly as the cars sped by. "God that word is so pathetically inadequate." She looked at the sidewalk. "Sorry Dawn I just blurted out that Willow and Ruth are dating when I know that you are suffering from serious grief and loss." She hissed angrily at herself. "Sorry Will for mentioning your dead girlfriend over and over in the first conversation we have in the town that she was senselessly murdered." She shook her head again. "Sorry Ruth I know your arms are ripped to shit but because I just managed to unhinge your fragile girlfriend and those couple of Tai chi movements you wanted to avoid have probably just turned into an hour long work out."

Buffy drew her internal rant to a close and stopped walking, only to discover that she had walked some distance past the sandwich store. She cursed softly under her breath and began to backtrack.

"I can't even get a trip Subway right." She admonished herself as she walked back towards the bright neon sign that manage to shine out quite well in the dull and dreary afternoon light.

A voice the Slayer really, really didn't want to be hearing called her name, causing her to stall and stop. Very, very slowly she turned round to see if her ears had deceived her, her eyes instantly confirmed they hadn't. She glanced up to the sky confirming that the sun was nowhere to be seen.

"Rumor had it you were back." Dressed in his trade mark black jeans, T-shirt and long leather duster was Spike, his hair a little longer but still the bright unnatural shade of peroxide blonde.

The motion was serene, the exertion barely visible as two bodies moved in almost perfect synchronicity through a slow pattern. Ruth had managed for a long series to keep up but as Willow's arms reached higher up towards the ceiling, her small slim body being pulled into a long tall line she'd been forced to give in. She'd hoped she timed things well enough that her step back and slow circle to the bed in front of where Willow was working wouldn't break the redhead's concentration.

Stepping up onto the mattress she came down to rest in a lotus position so that she could look directly at Willow as she the redhead's body pulled down into a low crouch and then lowered further until she pushed her form slowly over landing in an arch which she pushed out of back up to stand.

There was something so beautiful about Willow when she was doing Tai Chi the dark haired witch had decided. Something noble about a balance between intricate body movements and what she knew was the inner torrent of the redhead's own thoughts. The power that Willow could channel now into the most delicate positions that required enormous amounts of strength and flexibility.

But never since the first moment she had laid eyes on the redheaded American had she ever doubted the strength that she held within her small frame. She'd known it even before she'd shook Willow's limp distant hand that day in the hallway, known it before the bolt of grief and rage had channeled through the touch into her in such a way that she'd been holed up in her room with a headache for three hours.

Willow Rosenberg emanated power and Ruth knew that was people were afraid of. They were afraid of intelligent Willow who could read a dozen languages including ones that were nothing but coded batches of numbers. They were afraid of Willow's observance when they wanted nothing more than to fade into the wallpaper, the redhead always was there to watch and see. Most of all Ruth knew they were afraid of Willow's emotions, the ones that for so long she could tell even her closest friends, the ones even now she tried to temper and ignore.

Willow could feel the muscles in her calves burning as she pushed them to keep the difficult position for a long time, but even that concern was a distance away as she tried to shut out the screaming in her mind.

Outside of these walls wasn't the Manor, it wasn't her safety net. It was the place that held nothing but agony for her. She was a shadow here, a myth almost among the demons and humans of a girl who became a witch who then became death. The rumination of everything she had thought herself to be, the spoiling of her youth and her innocence. The hardest part of it all was that no one understood, none of them wanted to except the owner of the navy eyes that she knew were watching her. She was responsible for Tara dying, she might not have pulled the trigger but every moment of her self-righteous descent had pulled death closer.

Nothing Buffy could ever try to say to her could make her believe anything else and she knew the Slayer would try. It was too much Buffy's nature, too hard for the savior of the world to let Willow accept her own guilt as that would mean that the blonde would have so much more she would also be responsible for.

Bringing her arms down to her side Willow looked up and caught herself fully in Ruth's gaze. She felt warmth fill her cold insides and a brush of relief ease the ache in her muscles. She knew in her heart Ruth would never try to convince her against her own guilt, it was pointless to even try. She knew Ru had moved beyond that, simply loving her and loving her boldly enough to let her grieve and for small periods of time hate herself as long as Willow remembered one thing.

'Never let it become about hate Lo, if you do that then you won't focus on the love anymore and then you truly will lose her.'

The whispered words were a constant echo sine they had been spoken one night when she had shut herself into her room, hiding under the blankets to shield away her pain from the unfeeling world.

It had taken her a little while to understand just what Ruth had meant but as time went by it had become clear to her. She could hate herself, she could hate herself until she curled up into a ball and withered away but that was only going to accomplish one thing. The person who had brought nothing but joy and love into her life would be forgotten, pushed out of the one heart that she had tried to cherish by rage and hate.

She had let it happen once, gave into it all and brought hell onto earth but that was the one thing that Willow would never let happen again. She would never let hate ever be more important than her love and her precious memories of Tara Maclay, because she would never let go of the love.

"Just before the big old pagan festival, Christmas pet." He added for clarity's sake. "A bit odd to wander back into a Hellmouth and find it slayerless." His tone softened slightly. "I did some asking around, found out about Red, about the quiet one." He glanced down.

"Yeah, Tara." He glanced up surprised by her tone. "I figured I'd keep an eye on things until you know you got back or felt up to coping with things."

"I so don't need this." Buffy turned and headed back up the street towards the store. "Where is the sun when you need it!"

"Buffy!" The vampire called out sprinting after her. "Buffy wait." He reached out and took her arm pulling her around.

"Don't you ever, ever touch me again." She pulled her arm free and pushed him back, making him stumble into a street lamp. "Ever." She hissed.

"Sorry? You're sorry?" Buffy stood up straight and stared at the vampire. "For what part exactly? Sorry for running out on us when things went to shit, sorry for being so obviously 'not there' when I might and I mean might have needed you? Sorry for not actually paying enough attention to anyone else other than me to recognize everything was falling apart, sorry for trying to rape me?" She snarled.

"Yeah well you know what." The Slayer took long strides up to him, stopping within millimeters of him and slowly tipping her head up to look him full in the eyes. "Sorry means nothing." She turned and stalked away.

Willow dropped her arms and panted a bit as she finished with a very difficult series.

"I think I'm pooped." She smiled as she strode over and landed with a squeak on the bed next to Ruth.

"You looked great." Ruth smiled leaning instantly over to kiss her cheek. "Sorry I wimped out on you part way through." She pulled down the sleeve of her sweater and gently brushed Willow's brow free of sweat before it dropped and stung her eyes.

"No you were a trooper and you don't like to do the contortionist stuff anyway." Willow shook her head and smiled under the kiss. "I guess I need a shower."

"No one suggested that Tai Chi was the scentless way to self centering." Ruth laughed softly. "Would you rather have a bath, I could run you one?"

"We could share one?" Willow offered hopeful that the suggestion would be take the right way. "That way I can help you keep your bandages dry."

"I could wrap them in plastic bags." Ruth laughed. "Or surround wrap, if we had any, which we don't." She pointed out rather stupidly. "Are you sure you just don't want a nice bath on your own without the invalid?"

"Ru, I wasn't planning on having my bath with an invalid." Willow contradicted in a firm honest voice. "I wanted to have my bath with you but if you don't want to it's okay. I just… I thought it might be nice after the long flight and all the other stuff that's gone on."

"It's a lovely, lovely idea." Ruth shook her head smiling. "Here." She turned and put her hands to the bottom of Willow's short t-shirt. Sliding her hands beneath it she moved them up over Willow's sweat damp back and drew the wet cotton off her body. "You can't have a bath in workout clothes." She smiled and dropped the shirt on the bed.

"It wouldn't be much of a bath if I got in fully clothed." Willow laughed and stood up undoing the tie that held the long pants over her legs. "Do we want bubbles?"

"I think they might be a little hard to control as far as contact with the bandages go." Ruth laughed and pulled back. "You know how uncontrollable bubbles can be."

"Very true." Willow slipped her hands down to Ruth's waist and helped her upright before helping pull the navy t-shirt up off the slim witch's body. "We can always bandage them again if they get wet." She helped Ruth step out of the dark shorts she was wearing. "I'm sorry about before, with Buffy and me…" She added softly.

"I'm not." Ruth shook her head, catching hold of Willow's hand and turning her so that they came to rest nose to nose. "I got to hold you and kiss you in front of her." She gave her a softly loving smile. "And…" She stopped suddenly frowning.

"Where is Buffy?" Ruth pulled back a little and glanced at the alarm clock beside the bed. "She's been gone over an hour."

"It shouldn't take that long to get subs, the store is only about ten minutes away." The redhead underlined the alarm that was being raised. Ruth dipped down and picked up her navy T-shirt again.

"I'll go look for her." She pulled it over her head catching her bulky bandages on the inside of it, like she usually did when she was hurried and not having help getting dressed.

"Ru, baby please be careful." Willow grimaced as she saw her girlfriend get tangled up and immediately went to help her. "You can't go out looking for her, you have no idea where she was going or where even she could have gone. I'll have to go and look for her." She reasoned checking the bandages. "I'm sure she just ran into a vamp or something, it's cloudy enough that some will slink around in the shadows early."

"No." Ruth shook her head. "My Elmo does not scout the streets of the Hellmouth alone." She softly pointed out. "I especially don't want you…" She stopped and caught Willow's eyes. "I don't want you in the places vampires like to hang out." She tried to be specific without being specific. "I don't need to know where I am, I just need to know what Buffy looks like to find her, and I know what Buffy looks like." She backed up a little and pulled the pair of dark jeans that were laid on the floor up her legs a little.

"Double no." Willow objected back as she walked over and put her hands over Ruth's shoulder's to stop her. "You might know what Buffy looks like but you have no idea where are the bad places are on the Hellmouth. I mean some of them are disguised as really nice places but oh no hell mouthy places inside and you haven't had any experience with vampires baby. They can be very tricky and you can't always spot them so there is no way my cookie monster is running around the streets of Sunnydale looking for Buffy by herself." She tried to think of alternatives. "Either we go together or I can phone Giles?"

"Giles?" Ruth arched an eyebrow. "I know he's her Watcher Lo, but, Rupert, with vampires?" She chuckled. "He kinda screams head injury man to me and I'm fine with the fanged guys, I mean they don't have a soul, no aura, easy to pick out." She cupped Willow's face. "I can do this." She said softly.

"I know you can do it." Willow shook her head lightly. "It's just that this is Sunnydale and it's scary even in the daylight. I don't want you out there scouting for the Slayer. Buffy can take care of herself. I need you safe and not dodging people without aura's and trying to find her…" She looked into navy eyes. "At least not if I'm not with you." She added softly.

"I'm not walking the streets of Sunnydale with you…" Ruth shook her head, her face a stern set mask that suddenly broke into a beaming smile. "Naked." She laughed leaning forward to kiss Willow's small nose.

"Ru, I had every intention of putting clothes on." Willow pouted under the kiss and crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't want people in Sunnydale seeing me naked, hello Madam Butterfly phobia."

"Are you sure you're not mixing that phobia up with my, not sharing Lo goodies with the world phobia?" Ruth giggled.

"Could be." Willow tried to keep her pout and not smile when she heard Ruth giggle. "That's if you like my goodies." She teased.

"Scan them and bag them, they're my goodies." Ruth leaned and kissed Willow's cracking pout.

"You're so British." Willow laughed finally and kissed her back as she hugged the dark haired witch closer.

"Through and through." Ruth nodded sliding her hands onto Willow's naked sides. "What do you want to put on?" She rubbed the skin lightly.

"My big fleecy jumper and my denim skirt." Willow smiled when the small question solidified their choice of plans as she put her arms around Ruth's shoulders.

"You have to let me go for me to be able to get them." Ruth pointed out with a gentle smirk.

"It's not going to rain." Rose Lauder shook her head as she walked down the street with Dawn almost skipping beside her.

"It is, I know Sunnydale, and it's really going to rain." The teenager swung a large bag by her side.

"Dawn, if you drop that we'll have to buy another one, and I'm not sure I can justify the purchasing of sixteen frames, fifteen was my limit I am sure." Rose chuckled joking gently with the young woman.

"You're counting the one with the three picture openings as three instead of one. I think that's cheating." Dawn laughed as she controlled her swing of the bag more conscious that she didn't want to break what was inside.

"I am if only so that when examined we have the room and the persuasion space to buy two more." Rose explained her logic with a chuckle. "When you get to my age deary you'll have learned the tricks I have." She winked.

"There's a great ice cream parlor up here." The teenager pointed out trying to be subtle. "I'm sure Giles won't miss us if we're a little longer."

"If you want ice-cream it doesn't matter if Rupert wanted us home an hour ago." Mrs. Lauder shook her head and eased in the direction that Dawn hinted at. "So," She asked as they joined the short line up. "Have you decided what nice picture of your mother we're putting in the oval frame?" She asked as they shuffled closer to the desk.

"I don't know. There's a nice one of her that we took in the backyard before Buffy went to fight the snake Major. It was all sunny and her hair is all highlighted." Dawn answered immediately. "Or there is one from when she had her first operation, Buffy and I went out and bought her this really expensive scarf that she could wear to cover where they shaved her hair." The teenager's words dimmed a bit. "She looked really pretty though when she wore it, you couldn't even tell what had happened."

"I bet she did." Rose smiled tenderly a looked proudly at the teenager. "Well we can ask Buffy for her preference when she gets back from visiting the girls." She offered the compromise.

"She'll probably go on patrol so she'll be back late. She's not usually home much at night." Dawn made the admittance as she held the door open for the older woman.

"Oh." Rose seemed surprised by this but quickly recovered. "And what about one of Tara?" She quickly returned to the conversation. "Do you have a favorite of her in mind for the Sun shaped frame?"

"I know which one, it's from her birthday. She's doing the funky chicken with me and we both look really silly. She always used to laugh and say that if she ever won the lottery she would pay me a million dollars for it just so that she wouldn't have to see it ever again." Dawn laughed as they waited in line to place their orders.

"The funky chicken?" She raised her eyebrow. "I'm guessing that is that odd dance involving flapping feathers and what looks like laying eggs."

"Funky chicken." Dawn grinned. "Usually it's done at weddings and parties and stuff when people feel like looking totally stupid."

"I don't think I ever want to have first hand experience." Rose admitted. "I make a better teapot."

"What flavor do you like?" Dawn questioned grinning at the idea of Mrs. Lauder as a teapot and ogling the flavors.

"What exactly is a 'Blizzard'?" Mrs. Lauder frowned. "Do you order one and get covered with snow?"

"Oh its great. They mix whatever chocolate or cookie or fruit you want with plain vanilla soft serve in a blender." Dawn explained laughing more at the description. "They are really thick."

"Lord, keep and preserve this place from Ruthie." The old woman crossed herself laughing. "And a chocolate dipped would be?" She asked of her young companion.

"Soft serve ice cream cone dipped in hot chocolate sauce that solidifies over it into a hard shell." Dawn gave the textbook answer. "Do you think, do you think that we should bring by something to Willow and Ruth?" She asked the question tentatively and saw Rose smiling happily and proudly back at her.

"I think that would be a lovely idea." Rose nodded. "An Oreo blizzard would suit Ruthie down to the ground I am sure." She glanced at the menu. "Perhaps we should just get one for the two of them to share perhaps." The older woman suggested. "Does Willow like Blizzards?" She checked.

"She used too." Dawn commented thinking back. "Though she always used to share with Tara and get something with fruit in it because Tara preferred fruit."

"She was a vegetarian wasn't she?" Rose enquired gently, glad that Dawn was using her open opportunity to talk about the sadly missed young woman.

"She was. I tried once to be one too and I lasted about a week before she brought me a baloney sandwich at bedtime and said for everyone's sake I should eat meat again." The teenager laughed. "Apparently I'm moody when I don't get enough protein."

"Well you're young and still growing, such dietary decisions shouldn't be made until you are older." Rose reasoned. "Isn't that your sister?" She suddenly added, dipping her head a little to look under the large stencil of an ice cream on the window.

"And Spike." Dawn's voice went icy as she saw the streak of her sister's blonde hair go by before an all too familiar leather duster followed it. "We have to stop him." She hissed rather angrily and darted away towards the door.

"Dawn wait…" Mrs. Lauder paused only to pick up their bags before trying to hurry after the fast moving teenager.

"Get away from her!" Dawn screamed as she came up behind the peroxide vamp and swung the bag she carried catching him in the side of the head. Spike cursed and clapped his hand to the point of impact.

"Stay away from my sister, I won't let you hurt her again." Dawn wound back for another swing.

"Easy there Dawn." Spike dropped the pet name and in a flash his hand shot out and gripped Dawn's wrist. "You could hurt someone swinging that thing around like that." He glanced up the street to where Buffy had stopped and was walking back towards them. "I wasn't hurting her." He quickly put in.

"You tried too. Don't think I don't know what you did, you were supposed to be our friend." Dawn cursed at him glancing up to see Buffy. "He was following you, stalking around after you." She informed her sister.

"I…" Spike began. "You told her about that?" He stared almost angrily at the Slayer.

"Doesn't matter who told me it's still true." Dawn growled at him. "I might not be the slayer but if you try to hurt my sister again I'm going to find a way to use my big ball of energy to chop you into a million pieces."

"Dawn it wasn't like that." Spike turned again to the teenager. "Things just got confused…" He looked at Buffy for something.

"Haven't you seen the posters Spike? I know you can read. 'No means No', even to a vampire." Dawn sneered at him.

"Dawn, that's enough." Buffy cut in before her sister could start another tirade. "Spike isn't going to try anything again, it's fine."

"Like big sis says, it was an accident little bit, things were messed up back then. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you all." He added somberly.

"I didn't say it was an accident… I said I've taken care of it." Buffy corrected him in a stern voice before turning back to her sister. "Dawn, it's fine. What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were at home working on your assignment?"

"We finished that up." Puffing and wheezing a little Mrs. Lauder came to a stop next to Dawn. "So we came shopping, we have lovely things for you two to look through and talk about when we get home." She looked first at Dawn, and then at Buffy, finally looking at Spike. "I'm Rose Lauder." She said not shifting her eyes from him.

"Oh Rose, this is Spike." Dawn put in stepping closer to the older woman. "This is Buffy's vampire boyfriend who tried to rape her." She glared at the peroxide vamp. The older woman somehow managed not to flinch as she continued her placid stare at the tall gaunt vampire.

"Like I said Buffy, we have lovely things to look at and talk about at home." She flicked her eyes back to the Slayer.

"I…" Buffy tried to meet the look but couldn't. "I… I can't do this." She turned and pushed into a quick sprint away from the others. Spike turned his eyes instantly thinking of following her.

'Don't even think about it.' The vampire winced as the older woman's voice filled his head. He flicked his head back and stared in surprise at the gray haired old woman who smiled subtly. 'Yes I do mean it and yes I can stop you if you make me.' She continued her oh so pleasant smile as she leaned and gently took Dawn's hand.

"I think Mr. Spike will be going home now Dawn, as should we." She encouraged gently.

Dawn glared at him for a moment before finally being moved into turning and toddling down the street still holding Mrs. Lauder's hand.

Buffy wasn't even sure which direction she was running in as her boots hammered onto the sidewalk and pushed her faster away from the mess that she wanted to leave far behind her. Today just wasn't her day, there was no way of getting around it or no way of prettying it up, it was just a bad day. There was so much running around her head, things that she knew she had a reaction to, knew that she felt something about, but at the same time couldn't let her self feel anything about.

Letting her legs lose some of their strength and speed, Buffy slowed down and took a quick look around to get her bearings only to find that her flight had more or less sent her in a very large loop, bringing her not far from the stores and the sandwich shop that had been her initial destination.

"Oh crap." She snapped looking up at the bright Subway sign. Pushing her body into another hard and fast run as she headed back to the motel.

"Should we stick to main streets, or do the parks and things?" Ruth hugged herself as she stood at a road crossing glancing left and right at the busy traffic, taking in the small public sign that said 'park' directly to their right, with a small winding path that led through some small bushes and trees.

"She could be anywhere." Willow answered with a defeated sigh. They'd already been out looking for a while now and hadn't gotten any closer to figuring out where Buffy was or had gone. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary for Sunnydale so far which made things even more worrying. If Main Street had been tore up or people had been running around screaming at least that would have pointed them towards something. "The streets are probably best. We can loop around and go through the back entrance of the park if we have too."

"Did you want to call the house?" Ruth checked as they walked across the crossing when the lights changed, the shorter witch noticing a phone booth on near the crossing.

"I could try but I don't want to worry Dawn." Willow frowned looking at the metal booth. "Buffy said she wasn't having a very good day." Ruth made a soft noise of understanding.

"I'm not even going to suggest splitting up to cover more ground." She tried a bright smile. "I guess even I have a learn… hey watch it." She took a step back as a tall figure bumped into her from out of an alley and knocked her back. She narrowly missed smacking her arm into the telephone booth side.

"Spike?" Willow managed to blurt out the name as she quickly turned to see who had hit Ruth. She moved over closer to the smaller witch with a quick sidestep when she saw the vampire turn around.

"Red." Spike stopped glancing quickly at Ruth and then giving his full attention to Willow. "You're… I didn't know you were back." He frowned slightly. "Did you come back with Buffy?"

"Yes, no one told me you were back either." She turned the comment around. "Actually we're looking for her, have you seen her in the last two hours?"

"Err." He seemed to stumble a little on the question not entirely sure why Willow wasn't giving him the same grief that he had encountered from everyone else so far. "We met, briefly, she wasn't too happy." He replied deliberately vaguely.

"Do you know where she was heading?" Willow frowned and looked at Ruth. "We definitely need to find her now."

"Dunno, not my business what the Slayer does with her time is it now." He replied glancing quickly at the still silent other woman. Ruth's navy eyes were fixed on him just as they had been when they had first collided. "Little Bit and someone who looks like her Gran were getting ice cream a little while ago, maybe they have more of an idea."

"We'll call the house then." The redhead looked at Ruth nodding to their earlier question of what to do. "Thanks… Spike." She saw the agitated way he was inching away as if he had some reason to get away from her as quickly as possible or somewhere important he needed to be.

"Great to see you again." He backed off a little more before turning and more or less running away.

"That was weird, Spike is usually Mr. Creepy guy but he's usually not so polite about it." Willow turned fully to Ruth slipping her hand into the other witch's.

"Are…" Ruth looked up and watched the retreating vampire. "Are you sure that was Spike?" She asked knowing how stupid her question sounded; after all she had seen the images of him to know that it was.

"Yes, that was Spike." Willow looked at the distance in Ruth's eyes. "Ru, are you okay? Did he hurt you when he bumped into you? Are your arms sore?" She checked instantly more worried. "Maybe we should go back to the motel and call."

"Yes maybe." Ruth frowned even more before realizing her line may cause Willow to worry more. "I'm fine, he didn't hurt me, I just meant maybe it would be a good idea to get off the streets you know, jet lag and all." Her navy eyes tried to follow the now distant figure in black.

"I think that's a good idea. If we call from the Motel at least we can leave a message and wait for someone to phone us back." Willow nodded squeezing Ruth's hand as she urged her to cross the street while the light was still green so that they didn't have to wait for another one.

"Phone back, right." Ruth said distantly, her feet working on automatic as Willow led her.

"Ru… Ru, are you okay?" Willow got them across the street and then they meandered to a slow stop. "You're all monotone. Is something wrong?"

Ruth blinked a few times and dragged her eyes from the last visible spot of Spike entering the park. She looked at Willow and frowned.

"Sorry." She apologized. "It's just that…" She glanced up again. "That couldn't have been Spike." She frowned more.

"Couldn't have been Spike?" Willow looked at her confused and glanced to where Ruth's gaze was fixed. "But it was Spike."

"But Spike is a vampire." Ruth shook her head. "And he had a signature." She explained, looking back into green eyes. "If that was Spike, then Spike has a soul."

Buffy knocked hard on the motel room door for the second time, cursing softly under her breath when she heard nothing from behind it.

"Come on guys I know last time I gave you hassle for just letting me in, but this is the other extreme." She hammered on the door a third time.

"They're not in Miss." A voice from behind called to the Slayer, turning she looked at the reception clerk who was strolling down the corridor heading back to the main desk.

"No, they left about thirty minutes ago, maybe a little more." He continued. "The redhead looked a little flustered."

"I don't believe this." Buffy snapped and took off down the corridor towards the main entrance.

"I hate him." Dawn slammed the front door and stalked over to the couch, dropping on it heavily.

Mrs. Lauder walked more sedately into the lounge after her and carefully put the shopping bags down on the nearest armchair.

"You're allowed to dislike him Dawn, no one should hurt anyone like that." She consoled her gently.

"But did you see how he was, he's not even sorry." Dawn fumed. "And what the hell was Buffy doing being nice to him? I hate her too, she's such a two faced moody…" She stopped and glanced at the older woman in the room with her. She took a breath. "I'm sorry." She said with a sigh. "But he tried to rape her, how could she stick up for him like that?" The teenager shook her head. "I don't understand why she didn't just stake him or something."

"I have to admit…" Rose began but was cut off as Giles walked in from the kitchen.

"I thought I heard you two return." He rubbed his hands on an apron he had tied around his waist. His shirtsleeves were rolled back and he had flour on the side of his nose. "I've been preparing supper." He glanced over his shoulder towards the kitchen as he pushed his glasses a little further up his nose with a messy finger.

"I'm not hungry." Dawn huffed throwing herself back into the couch cushion and folding her arms across her stomach.

"Not a good shopping trip?" Giles frowned and whispered the question quietly to Rose.

"Dawn and I had a lovely shopping trip, but they we ran into a Mr. Spike." The older woman explained.

"Oh." It was obvious that this was all the explanation that the Watcher needed. "I'll go and delay supper." He turned back to the kitchen.

"No, you won't." Mrs. Lauder contradicted. "Dawn, go wash your hands and get ready to eat." She looked at the teenager who turned her head and stared at the older woman.

"And then set the table." The English woman added turning back to Giles. "Let's see what you have done in the kitchen." She added directing him backwards as without comment Dawn pushed up from her place and went to the washroom.

"How did you…" Giles questioned as he moved with the older woman into the other room.

"Rupert." Rose stopped walking for a moment and glanced after the teenager. "Dawn is sixteen years old, she has lost her mother and her best friend. She has a sister who is the savior of the world and another best friend who tried to end that world, she doesn't need understanding or space, what she needs is someone to be in control. What she needs is for someone to make the decisions for her for a little while, until she has the inner strength to start making them again." She explained walking over to the large mixing bowl Giles had obviously been preparing things in. "She needs a family." She pointed out reaching for the pepper mill.

The Watcher glanced at the closed washroom door, feeling a little foolish, how had he mis-judged things this badly?

"You're right." He admitted sadly. "And I was just another person who left." He shook his head.

"Of course I'm right." Mrs. Lauder tutted at him. "And yes you did desert her at the worst possible time, you let both her and her sister down terribly, but unlike her mother and dear Tara you can come back to her and be there for her now, consider yourself one of the fortunate people in this horrible situation Mr. Giles." She thrust the wooden spoon from the bowl at him and pointed to the mixture. "If we want to be able to eat that, it's going to need more seasoning." She pointed out shuffling off again, pulling off her jacket.

"Anyone would think you were stalking me pet." Spike stepped out from the shadow of a large pine tree into the Slayer's path.

"I'm looking for Willow and Ruth." Buffy didn't even dignify him with eye contact.

"They were headed down main when I saw them about fifteen minutes ago." Spike shrugged and pulled out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, lighting up immediately.

"You saw them?" Buffy looked up, concern and worry etched on her tired features. "Were they okay?"

"Yeah, the short dark one looked cold, and red looked a little strung out, but they were okay, looking for you as it happens." The vampire replied with a gentle shrug. "Is everything alright? Is them being out on the street a bad thing?" He pushed for details.

"I wonder where they were going." Buffy frowned and glanced back over her shoulder through the park towards the main road. "Maybe Willow needed air." She put her hand to her forehead and massaged her fingertips into her temple.

"Buffy, what's wrong? Like I say both of them looked okay, a little on the skinny side, but you know Red's been through a lot." He tried to catch Buffy's darting hazel eyes. "Want me to help you look for them?"

"No, just go away Spike, today has been a big enough disaster without any further 'you' fraction." She shook her head and attempted to make a decision as to where to go next.

"I understand why you're being like this Buffy." Spike didn't give up. "But I've changed Buffy, I'm not the person I was before I left."

"Everyone has changed Spike, everything has changed." She frowned hard at him. "Did you really think you could just come back, that we would welcome you with open arms and not still be scarred by what you did?" She stared angrily at him. "I know that a lot of it was my fault." Her voice was heavy with self-hatred as she spoke. "But you, you have to share the blame."

"You are a monster." Buffy snapped at him poking him hard in the cheat. "You are a vampire an undead, soulless, bloodsucking creature, neutered by a chip in your head. My God!" She breathed. "What was I thinking?" She screwed up her face and pulled her hand back. "Why did I ever let you…" She shivered.

"You love me Buffy." Spike's reply was barely a whisper as he reached up and stroked the back of his fingers down Buffy's cheek. "Behind all the rage and the anger, you love me."

Buffy was about to begin another angry tirade when she stopped, took a breath and locked eyes with the vampire.

"I don't." She said her voice even and cold. "I used you Spike, we used each other, it was never love."

"You're wrong." Spike shook his head. "I love you, I can prove I love you." He pulled his hand back and reached to un-tuck his t-shirt from his jeans.

"Stop it! What are you doing?" Buffy backed up a little, the unfamiliar feeling of fear filling her stomach with ice.

"Showing you." He replied lifting his shirt, revealing light traces of angry scars that ran over his chest.

"Show…" Her voice trailed off as she looked at the healed wounds. "Some vamps hurt you during one of your altruistic Christmas patrols?" She turned her head unimpressed.

"I'm a man again, for you Buffy." Spike shook his head and pulled down his shirt. "I know what you want." He stepped forward again. "I became what you need." He said reaching out taking hold of her shoulder.

"You have no idea what I need." The ice inside her spread throughout her body as Spike touched her, but for some reason she didn't move his arm, in fact she couldn't move at all.

"Angel? What does he have to do with…" Buffy stopped the icy feeling from reaching her head as her eyes flicked back to look at the plain black t-shirt that now covered the gaunt vampires body. "Your soul?" Hazel flared wide. "You got your soul back?" She whispered.

"I can be what you need now Buffy." Spike put his other hand on Buffy's other shoulder pulling her towards him. "I can love you." In a blur of movement he leaned his head down and pressed cool lips to Buffy's.

"No." Buffy suddenly found the strength to push back. "I don't need you, I don't love you." She could hear the element of desperation in her own voice as she turned away. "You are not what I want." She stated clearly as she began to run.

Willow looked up from the newspaper she was reading and pushing up out of the brown chair moved over to look out the security glass.

"Giles is here Ru." She called out to the other witch who was in the bathroom as she pulled open the door. "Hi Giles, any news about Buffy?"

"Mrs. Lauder made you some food." Giles smiled as he lifted the small tray he carried into the redhead's line of sight. "She was concerned after your call that you hadn't eaten." Willow stepped back and the Englishman carried the food into the room. "And she said that I should tell you personally not to worry about Buffy, I'm going from here to do a brief scout around of the area, but she has been seen a few times today, she is probably just doing a round up after being gone for some time." He put the tray down.

"I'm sure she is, we all know how antsy the Slayer gets when she's away from her Hellmouth." Willow nodded. "Though Giles…" She stopped and remembered the odd run in and the startling revelation Ruth had had. "There might be another reason for her being MIA."

"Another reason?" Giles frowned did she say something to you?" He checked where Willow sat before taking a seat on the chair.

Willow turned and glanced at Ruth as the dark haired witch came and sat beside her on the edge of the bed.

"Mrs. Lauder told me that Spike was back, well it was Dawn actually, but I really don't think after what happen between them she would be with him." Giles shook his head.

"After what happened? What happened? I thought they were well dating." Willow looked at him horrified, her tension instantly redlining.

"Dating?" Giles frowned. "Of course." He looked down briefly before looking at Willow with sad eyes. "With everything else that happened I am sure some details got lost." He gave the rather long and verbose introduction. "There was an incident between the two of them, a misunderstanding of sorts."

"What sort of misunderstanding? What kind of misunderstanding can there be with the Slayer? She'd just stake him if he tried anything…" Willow's voice came to a halt when she saw the Watcher's expression change. "What did he try? Oh my God he hurt her didn't he, and no one told me!" She started to panic. "I was all wrapped up in crazy me land and he hurt my best friend and I didn't do anything."

"Lo." Ruth put her hand over Willow's knee. "It's okay." She flicked her eyes over to Giles. "Isn't it Mr Giles?" She let her navy eyes flare momentarily.

"Yes, yes." The Watcher nodded. "I am sure it wasn't a deliberate exclusion, more of a…"

"Buffy will tell you when she is ready." Ruth cut him off. "Something like that has a time and a telling place." Her voice was gentle. "And to get to the point…" She added looking between the two other people in the room. "We ran into Spike, and…" She took a breath. "I could read his signature."

For a moment the Watcher seemed a little confused as to why the sensitive was mentioning this, but then he seemed to key in.

"It might be impossible Giles but its true." Willow threw back immediately. "Ru bumped into him and she wouldn't miss something like that."

"With this information I think I should start my patrol a little earlier, perhaps I will be lucky enough to run into him." Giles pushed up from his place. "Mrs. Lauder said to remind you that you have to fit at least two more brews in before sleeping, and that you should call her if you need anything. Dawn sends her love, and asks if she can come and see you both in the morning." He stepped slowly to the door.

"Oh course she can, can't she Ru?" Willow smiled and looked at the dark haired witch.

"It would be lovely to see her." Ruth nodded as she pushed up from the bed to walk to the door with Giles. "Thank you for bringing over the food." She said in a quieter voice as she reached to open the door.

"Everything is fine." Ruth halted his apology with as slight shake of her head, she underlined softly. "Thanks again." She smiled closing the door as the Watcher slipped out. Slowly she turned leaning her back on the door as she looked over to her girlfriend.

"She would have told you, in time." She said in a low soft voice as she started back across the room.

"I still don't understand… if he hurt her." Willow shook her head worried. "Why isn't he dust?"

"Maybe it's not as simple as that." Ruth offered dropping lightly on her knees before the redhead, she lightly took Willow's hands in her own. "Whatever the reason, it doesn't need Lo worry." She shook her head softly. "Not right now." She pushed up slightly and pressed her lips to Willow's forehead. "She'll come to you when she needs help, I know she will."

"But what if she doesn't trust me anymore? What if the reason she didn't tell me is because she doesn't think she can? To know that someone hurt her and she felt like I was too weak or too unstable to tell me." Willow frowned as she spoke. "If she was hurting all this time and putting on a brave face and I was too caught up to notice that my best friend was in pain, that doesn't rate me very high on the good friend scale."

"Lo stop it." Ruth's voice wasn't in anyway sharp it was just soft and precise. "What if the reason Buffy hasn't told you is because she can't talk about it yet, maybe she is ashamed or maybe she figures it just shouldn't have happened to a Slayer? And maybe the sky is purple and cows really can fly they just do it when we're all asleep." She shook her head again. "The whys, the maybes, they're not the focus, they shouldn't be." She clarified. "Buffy has proved time and time again that she is your best friend Lo, she loves you as much as she loves anyone else in the world, but right now maybe she needs to feel like the strong one, and that event made her less than that which is why she hasn't told you."

"Do you know what happened?" Willow asked the question softly. "Not that I want you to tell me, but…" She spoke quickly before Ruth could object. "Just… is it really, really bad? Like do I need to stake Spike bad?" She gave a crooked smile.

Ruth took a slight breath and for a moment glanced at the ceiling before looking back down at her girlfriend.

"It could have been worse." She smiled softly. "Now, Rose made food, and you know if we don't eat it, somehow the universe will tell her." She raised an eyebrow with a smile.

Hesitantly Buffy opened the door and crept into her house. She could hardly believe as she did that she was actually creeping into her own house as if her mother was going to be sitting on the couch looking pensive and grill her about where she had been.

A little annoyed she pulled off her coat and hung it up, after all her mother wasn't going to be sitting there was she? She was the woman of the house now, the one in charge and she could set her own rules.

As she turned and saw that Dawn was curled up asleep under a quilt asleep on the couch while Giles dozed in the chair nearby, a book turned in his lap. The scene totally made all of her annoyance drift away as she remembered just how badly she had messed things up with her sister. First in the morning by blurting out Dawn's worst fear and then by defending Spike's actions to her when all Dawn had been trying to do was protect her. She shouldn't need a protector, it shouldn't be Dawn coming to her rescue, she should be the one who was taking care of the teenager and sheltering her from the cruel world.

'Not that you can shelter anyone.' She cursed at herself as she remembered again how she had run out on Ruth and Willow, leaving the two very vulnerable witches on their own without any explanation.

Turning she moved down towards the kitchen fully intent on getting herself a glass of water and heading to bed.

"I checked with Dawn to find out how you like your hot chocolate." Rose looked up from where she was stood by the sink, slowing stirring a steaming cupful of chocolate goodness. "I knew when she started with the words 'I think' that it must have been a while since you got home to one." The older woman shuffled to the island and put the cup down for Buffy.

"Yeah, it's been a long time." The Slayer looked down at the tall white china mug mesmerized for a minute by the swirling marshmallow on the surface of the chocolate. "My… I never think to make myself one." She admitted sitting down and cupping her hands around it.

"Why would you?" Rose shrugged. "You would normally have just come in from ridding the world of a few more monsters." She assessed. "Co-co and hugs aren't the kinds of rewards anyone thinks of giving themselves." She said quietly.

"No, usually I try to have a hot shower and bandage up the bleeding bits before going to sleep." Buffy laughed sadly. "I should carry Dawn upstairs I guess. She'll be cranky in the morning if she sleeps on the couch."

"Dawn will be cranky in the morning because her thoughtless sister has been missing for hours, not because she has a stiff neck." Mrs. Lauder pointed out, her tone never changing from its soft gentle motherly one.

"Unfortunately as you just pointed out Dawn's going to have to understand her sister has to spend hours every night killing monsters and though I'd rather be home with her I can't be or the Hellmouth is likely to pop open and then we won't have a world." Buffy pushed up to stand, her attempt to keep the harsh tone out of her voice not completely successful.

"Maybe Dawn does know and accepts that, but just worries that maybe this time her big sister wasn't successful and that she might have been hurt or that someone who hurt her in the past managed to do it again." Rose pointed out still not changing her tone or facial expression. "Maybe she just needs a quick call, a voice message or even just one ring on the telephone in the hall to say on my way home Dawnie, get into bed I'll pop in when I get there." She picked up a cloth and absently began to wipe the side.

"Maybe Dawn should just accept her sister is an inconsiderate flake." Buffy had chewed on her thoughts for a moment before she finally spoke not having the heart to do as she had first wanted and chew out the older woman. "And though none of us like it one day I'm not going to win, it's happened three times already. I've been dead so many times I've almost lost count."

"Miss. Summers." Rose put down the cloth and turned to look at the Slayer. "When you have stopped feeling sorry for yourself and have accepted that you are who you are, you are here and you have a job to do, which is separate to your prophecy, you will know for yourself what a sad, self righteous statement that was." She arched her eyebrow softly. "Until then however trust me when I tell you it was." She picked up the cloth again. "No one in this house Miss. Summers has asked for the lives they have. Not you, not Dawn, not Rupert, not even me, but everyone one of us has to live them. Maybe all Dawn and everyone else who loves and cares for you wants you to do is start living yours."

"Thank you for the hot chocolate and for taking care of Dawn." Buffy decided on her words abruptly as she picked up the cup and moved towards the door.

"I changed your bed, put your pajamas out and there are fresh towels in the shower." Mrs. Lauder smiled again as before. "I put a plate of cookies by your bed, Dawn and I baked this afternoon and I was sure you'd be hungry when you got in, oh and I managed to excavate the small brown monkey that seemed to have been buried at the bottom of your bed for an age, I sat him on your pillow."

"Why am I treating you like a human being?" Rose moved slowly closer to the Slayer. "Why am I treating you like a twenty one year old young woman who recently lost her mother and who need love, care and attention?" She asked gently shaking her head. "Perhaps because you are Buffy." She replied softly stopping a little way from the Slayer, ensuring that she in no way threatened the exclusion zone she so obviously broadcast to the world.

"Is Dawn okay?" Buffy finally managed to find some words after another long awkward pause.

"Better than she was, not as good as she could be." Rose replied looking softly at Buffy. "We bought frames, when you have some time maybe you could go through the pictures she has short listed and maybe suggest some of your own."

"I'll take a look after I have a shower." Buffy nodded accepting the somewhat neutral territory. "I'll let her know I'm in." She motioned back to the living room and backed towards it.

"Could I push for a phone call to two young worried witches?" Rose questioned watching as Buffy moved to leave.

"Yeah, I'll call them to let them know I'm back too." Buffy gave another small nod as she moved into the living room.

As the Slayer breeched the room, it took her only milliseconds to realize a pair of dark eyes were watching her from the couch. Dawn, though she hadn't moved at all was clearly awake.

"I thought you were asleep." Buffy came over and carefully sat down on the edge of the couch so that she didn't crush Dawn's long legs. "We should move you upstairs so you don't get all bent up sleeping on the couch." She offered still cupping her hot chocolate.

"Yummy chocolate smells woke me up." Dawn replied sitting up slightly and pulled her legs back so that the Slayer had more room to sit if she wanted to.

"I'm sure Rose would make you one if you wanted, or you can have mine." Buffy offered the cup.

"I've already had two." Dawn shook her head. "One with marshmallows one with spray cream." She admitted. "I think one more might put me in a sugar coma."

"The plateful of homemade cookies you probably ate couldn't help either." Buffy smiled as she remembered how when they were little she used to be the one who had to climb the chair to get to the cookie jar while Dawn scouted the doorway for either of their parents. "I haven't got upstairs to try one yet."

"We had to make two batches of them, the first didn't look right but they tasted fine though." Dawn patted her belly with a grin that stayed for a long moment before fading slightly. "Are you okay?" She asked with a lopsided frown.

"Oh course I'm okay." Buffy reassured her instantly. "Nothing for you to worry about okay? And no more attacking anyone or anything with shopping bags." She underlined. "Spike is a bad reason to ruin good shopping." She tried to keep her words light.

"Mrs. Lauder found Mr. Gordo." Dawn stealthily shifted on the couch so she was suddenly leaning on her sister's arm.

"She told me." Buffy shifted a bit so that her now squashed arm moved around the teenager and she caught a long lock of brown hair twirling it as she took a sip of her cooling hot chocolate. "I didn't even know he'd gone missing."

"Rose is cool." Dawn snuggled into her sister as soon as Buffy gave her the opportunity. "Can I sleep in your room tonight?" She slipped in suddenly.

"Dawnie, I haven't showered yet I probably stink like graveyard." Buffy objected slightly. "And…" She tried to think of another reason but her brain was just too tired and all around she'd spent way too much time screwing up today to solidify a reason. "If you want, I guess."

"If you rather I didn't, that's okay." Dawn shook her head. "Mrs. Lauder said that I should feel free to ask as long as I respected your answer." The teenager explained the reason she had posed the question.

"No, it's fine. I don't mind but I do have to shower." Buffy rubbed her hand over silky long hair. "Though if this is just a ploy to get to my cookies you can forget it missy."

"No, I promise no cookies for me." Dawn scrambled off the couch. "I get to wear your Pj's." She laughed and scampered up the stairs, making almost as much noise as a herd of elephants. In his chair Giles snored and shifted over a little.

"Hands off my Pj's thief!" Buffy called after her almost a bit shocked when she felt herself smiling at the scampering teenager.

From the doorway into the kitchen Mrs. Lauder watched with a soft smile as Buffy pushed up and crossed to the phone, picking up the receiver and making the short, but necessary call. With a further grin of satisfaction she walked into the lounge after Buffy had gone up the stairs, picking up the quilt Dawn had abandoned, happy with her earlier choice to put two pairs of pajamas in the Slayer's room.

"Buffy?" Ruth asked as Willow rested the receiver back in its cradle and leaned back into the pillows.

"Yes, she's home and okay." Willow nodded as she pulled the blanket up smoothing them out again. "She said to say sorry she didn't bring you back your sub but some stuff happened, she didn't really say what but she said not to worry she was going to come by tomorrow and make it up to us."

"Perfect." Ruth turned on her side and looked at Willow. "So how come Lo brain is still whirling?" She reached out and drew a small circle on Willow's temple.

"Isn't Lo brain always whirling?" The redhead smiled softly and closed her eyes enjoying the light massage.

"Yes it is." Ruth chuckled lightly. "Worrying about everything from the correct alphabetical order of her CD's to country wide famine in Africa." She admitted. "But seriously before trying to sleep it could do with being less whirly."

"I was just thinking about how before Christmas things were so routine. I mean every day was broke down in little hourly chunks and all decided ahead of time." She turned more to face Ruth. "Now we're not even at the Manor or in England, we're back in Sunnydale and I'm worried I'm not worried enough about how things are going to be now that there isn't a routine."

"Let me get this straight," She assessed with a chuckle. "You're worried that you're not worrying enough?" She restated the crazy statement.

"It sounds silly when you say it like that." Willow smirked and stuck out her tongue playfully.

"I could say it in French would that help?" Ruth teased. "Lo baby…" She continued shaking your head. "Worry about not having enough bubbles for tomorrows bath, but don't worry about worrying." She shook her head. "And if you find you need routine that's okay. We can break down each day here into bite-sized chunks just like they did at the manor. I'm sure Rupert would be more than willing to work out some sort of timetable if you find you need it." She came up with a solution to any foreseeable issue.

"Do you miss the routine?" Willow asked the question snuggling closer but being careful of Ruth's recently changed bandages.

"I still have most of mine going in my head." Ruth admitted the simple fact. "You know, focus here, not there, and look nearly twelve thirty must be food time, even if it's just an internal alarm that goes off that I ignore. I've had the routines longer Lo and they are more underlined."

"I know Ru and you're doing great." Willow tilted her head up and kissed the dark haired witch lightly on the lips. "I'm so proud of you." She whispered looking into navy eyes.

"I know." Ru smiled back. "So do you want a timetable? We could work one out for tomorrow if you like." She offered not breaking the eye contact even to blink.

"Maybe it would be good to have a plan more than a timetable. Like tomorrow will include a nice bubble bath for two." The redhead smiled. "Hopefully a nice visit from Dawn and one from Buffy, oh and probably Xander and Anya. Add to that at least an hour of meditation, maybe more and some Tai Chi time. Oh and many, many hours of snuggling with my cookie monster." She kissed Ruth again.

"Sounds perfect." Ruth agreed to the outline instantly. "Particularly the snuggling." She kissed Willow back, a little more passionately than before.

"I don't think today had enough snuggling." Willow grinned and then kissed her again.

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Witness

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