Lovelorn

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy, Willow, etc..., that's Whedon's dumb luck.

Distribution: http://mysticmuse.net

You want it? Take it. Just let me know where it is.

Spoilers: The 6th season, up to and including the episode DEAD THINGS. Be warned.

Feedback: Yes, please. The more the better.

Pairing: Willow/Tara

I hate the rain.

I always have, even when I was younger. Jesse and Xander would go out in the back yard and playfight in the rain, while I stayed inside and watched through the window.

I guess I've never gotten over that.

But on this particular day, of all days, I hate the rain more than I ever did before.

February fourteenth. Valentine's Day.

This was supposed to be the most special day of the year for us. I had everything planned, some of it for months in advance, and I was so looking forward to it.

Not anymore. I'm all by myself now.

Particularly since Buffy and Dawn are at the Magic Box. They're going to watch the shop, while Xander and Anya go out for a romantic evening. He said it's just dinner and a movie, she told me it's just a prelude to some really great sex. I try to ignore her. Like always.

They invited me to come along. Buffy and Dawn, not Xander and Anya. I don't think I could stand that. It's bad enough I have to see them all over each other at the Scooby meetings, but...I'm rambling. Even here I'm rambling. How sad is that? I should move on.

Buffy and Dawn asked if I wanted to come with them to the Magic Box. I said no. I don't trust myself to be around all that magick stuff. After everything I've done, how could I?

Damn it, I screwed up. Big time. Not just going overboard with the magick, that's a given, and not hurting Dawn either. That one still scares me. No, it's that I betrayed her. I lied to the most wonderful woman in the world, and I pushed her away.

Tara Maclay.

My lover. My light. My life.

Whenever I was with her, I felt like I was floating in the clouds. I was on top of the world, and in my heart I knew I could accomplish anything as long as she was by my side.

I feel so empty now. I have, ever since the day she left me. Not that I blame her. I was hurting her, with all the spells, all the lies. I see that now. I don't think there's anyway I could ever truly make it up to her, and I don't even know if I should try. I'm afraid I'd just fail her again.

Seeing Tara the other day in front of the Magic Box brought me out of the doldrums for the first time in a long while. She was so radiant, so intoxicatingly beautiful. I thought my heart was going to burst right out of my chest then and there. After all, I hadn't seen her since the morning after I made de-ratted Amy, and we didn't exactly part on the best of circumstances then.

But as we talked, I noticed something. For the first time I saw a familiar glimmer in Tara's eyes. I heard it in her voice. A part of me said I was just imagining things, but I knew.

Hope.

The faintest inkling of the possibility that she and I might one day be able to reconcile. Even if the two of us never actually get together romantically again, I can't help wondering if we can ever be friends again. I want that. I need her in my life, even if it's just as a fellow Scooby. I'll admit it would be painful, having her around day after day and not being able to touch her, but I'd adjust.

Tara has. She's so strong, and resilient. It's amazing. She's taking this break-up a lot better than I am. Of course, I also had to deal with the whole magick issue, and that includes Amy and Rack. Goddess, it was so stupid of me to choose them over her. But that's basically what I did. I let the magick win, and as a result of my weak will, I lost the only person who might honestly have been able to help me through the strain. Tara would have known exactly what to say, and what to do.

I want to call her. I know I shouldn't though. It would be thoughtless of me to put that kind of pressure on her, especially since she's probably just trying to get on with her life, but I can't help it. It's Valentine's Day and I want so much to tell her how much I love and miss and need her.

I won't, though. I can't. It'd hurt her too much, and I don't ever want to do that. Again.

Goddess, I think I'm going stir-crazy. All alone in this big, empty house.

I really hate the rain.

*****

Willow Rosenberg slammed her journal closed, and ran her fingers through her kinky crimson hair.

She'd been writing almost distractedly, though every word of it was true. She was lonely and, not for the first time, realized it was all her fault. She had no one else to blame.

"Tara..." A tear rolled down the redhead's cheek.

The doorbell startled Willow out of her reverie, and she slid off the couch. The rain was coming down really hard as she opened the door and paused, with her hand on the knob.

"Tara?"

The blonde was dripping wet, despite a hooded jacket. She was also carrying something.

"H-Hi."

Willow took a step back. "Hey, come on in before you catch pneumonia."

"Thanks." Tara shook herself and then stepped into the living room, while Willow closed the door. "S-Sorry to come over so l-late."

"That's okay. I'm glad to see you." Willow smiled. "I've missed you, Tara."

"I m-missed..." Tara stopped, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. "Me too."

Willow glanced out the window. "It's pouring out there. What in the world possessed to come all the way over here on a night like this?"

"I j-just wanted to ask you a question."

"It must be pretty important."

"You tell me." Tara unwrapped the plastic trash bag to reveal a dozen long-stemmed roses, around which was a gold chain with a beautiful locket on it. "What's this all about?"

Willow blinked. "Oh no. Tara, I'm sorry. I placed the order...like, three months ago, before we...and I forgot. I should have canceled it. I never meant to upset you."

"I'm not upset, I just...I was surprised, is all." Tara put a hand on Willow's arm. "I wasn't expecting it, but this is so thoughtful, Will. I mean, the flowers are lovely, and the locket...how did you know?"

"Know what?"

Tara pulled off her wet jacket and dropped it by the door. "It's almost identical to a locket my mother had. She used to wear it all the time, and after she d-died I asked my father if I could keep it as a memento of her. But he said no. I don't think he wanted any reminders of her around."

Willow blinked. "Tara, I'm so sorry."

"What?" Tara saw the look on the redhead's face, and shook her head. "Oh, no. No, Will, you misunderstood. It is an incredible coincidence I'll admit, but this is not a bad thing. I love it. I do." She smiled. "It may not actually be my mother's, but it's the next best thing." She abruptly embraced Willow. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Willow's skin continued to tingle from where Tara touched her, even after the blonde took a step back and smiled at her. "Say, you don't have to...rush home, do you?" A crack of thunder shook the air. "It is so miserable out there. I'd hate to see you get all wet again."

Tara shrugged her shoulders. "I'm in no hurry. I can stay for a while, if you want."

"I do!" Willow realized she sounded a little too anxious, and nodded. "I mean, if you do."

The blonde turned toward the window and sighed. "You know, I hate the rain. When I was little, Donny used to tell me stories about monsters in the clouds. He said storms were when they came down and tried to gobble up little kids who didn't listen to their fathers. I guess it's always stuck with me."

"I know what you mean." Willow held her breath as she hesitantly put an arm around Tara's waist. She breathed

a little easier when the blonde did not pull away. "I miss you."

Tara was silent for a moment. "I know," she said finally, before resting her head on Willow's shoulder. "I miss you too, Will. Happy Valentine's Day."

The redhead smiled. "Happy Valentine's Day, Tara."

The End

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