Just Another (New Years) Day

by Jin Hayte

Copyright © 2005

Jinhayte@hotmail.com

Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Buffy, Willow, Dawn, Kennedy and all the other characters in the syndicated TV-show Buffy The Vampire Slayer belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy etc, etc. I do NOT own any of the official characters, their names or their backgrounds. This story, however, is mine.
Distribution:  The Mystic Muse:  http://mysticmuse.net
Angels Fall First: http://www.angels-fall-first.com
If you want it, ask and we'll see.
Feedback: Give it to me baby!
Spoilers: Everything up to the end of the last episode of BtVS is fair game.
Author's Notes: 1) This is the sequel to 'Just Another (Christmas) Day', and the conclusion to this - very short - story. 2) This was inspired by the sitcom 'Scrubs'. If you're familiar with it, you'll definitely recognize the narrating in this story (it actually helps with the overall flow if you've seen the show).
Pairing: Willow/Buffy

Christmas time can be hectic. Take the presents, for example: You have to find the presents, buy the presents, wrap the presents, hide the presents and then open them.

And you have to decorate the tree – which you have to find first, be it in one of those Christmas tree shop places or in the actual woods – as well as every inch of the house, inside and out. You have to make eggnog and candy, cook – and I use the term loosely – Christmas dinner and constantly make sure you're not forgetting anything.

And even though everyone does all that with jolly cheers and smiles, it can still be as stressful as realizing you've forgotten to send in an assignment in time.

Ugh, the horror.

But come Christmas Eve, everyone seems to calm down and that stress is replaced with a feeling of peace. Unless, of course, your mind has been wracked with a life changing revelation and is working overtime trying to come up with a solution to a problematic...problem.

It's been over a week since that kind of revelation came to me.

You know how the saying goes: You never know what you have until you realize what you could have. Or you don't know what you're missing until you find out what you have. Or...

Something along those lines.

Anyway, it hit me like a vampire slap in the face. And I know what they feel like; I've gotten my fair share of undead beatings over the years.

It's odd, though, that you can't see these things until another window opens.

That window was Buffy telling me she loves me.

Not what I wanted to hear, because I was at peace with my life. I thought. Turns out, I really was missing something.

Every fibre of my being whispered – no, screamed – it at me as I was lying in bed with my girlfriend snuggled up on top of me.

Love.

That's what was missing.

Even though I'm certainly happy with Kennedy, I don't love her.

Needless to say, I was unable to fully enjoy Christmas. It came and went with me pretty much going through the motions. Xander came over, of course, as did Giles – freshly imported from Europe.

With Giles' help, we were able to throw together a decent Christmas dinner instead of ruining it and ending up ordering take-out. We ate food, drank eggnog and opened our presents. Run of the mill Christmasy stuff. Low keyed, but nice.

Or, it would've been, if I wasn't so busy avoiding both Buffy and Kennedy while the gears in my head turned, trying to find a solution to my problem. On the quite frequent occasion that either of them caught me, I had to act like everything was fine. A tender touch here, a stolen kiss there. A fondling session here, a whisper of lovely endearments there. That's what I had to endure, and all the mistletoe hanging around didn't make it any easier!

Poor me, right?

But I think I managed to put up a good show, since neither of my lovely tormenters seemed to notice anything. Acting like everything was fine looked like it was working, so I decided to keep it up.

Faith rolled into town a few days later, and she was actually welcomed. Though Dawn still had her issues with her, Buffy didn't seem to mind, and Kennedy was ecstatic. While Buffy's cut back on the patrolling, partly because she, just like me, isn't too fond of the cold, Kennedy's keeping it up. So Faith, being the way she is, coming to visit gave Kennedy a slay-partner. They went out every night, and they spent the days having fun in the city.

And since Dawn went over to some friends almost every day and Giles hated sitting around doing nothing, I was left alone with Buffy.

Now, I expected her to keep her distance, because hey! She told me she loved me and I didn't say it back! That if anything would make her withdraw.

Her behaviour during Christmas should've tipped me off.

To my endless happy dismay, she was acting like she always did, finding any reason to touch, hug and/or kiss me.

But she was slowly driving me crazy with guilt, because even though every time I laid eyes on her I wanted nothing else than to tell her I loved her, I just couldn't. Doing that would inevitably force me to break up with Kennedy, and I couldn't do that either. Especially at this time of year!

So even though it pained me, I stayed true to my decision. It's not like I've never bottled things up before.

And it was going great! Until yesterday, that is.

I was lying in bed having just recovered from a Buffy-induced orgasm. The girl in question crawled up from between my legs, gave me a kiss and snuggled closer to me, her head resting on my shoulder.

"Love you," she whispered.

I imagine I looked pretty silly as I was lying there, in what would appear to be perfect bliss, and my reaction was to start crying.

My chest shaking, Buffy pushed up, looking at me with a frown.

"What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," I responded between sniffles and rolled to the side, trying to hide the tears that were running down my cheeks.

"Will, come on. Tell me what's wrong," she said, her voice serious.

When I didn't respond, she put a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently.

"You can tell me anything. I love you."

That did it.

"It's that, ok?" I whimpered, burrowing my face in a ball of sheets.

"What?" she asked, oblivious.

"The 'I love you'!" I cried, sitting up, not bothering to cover my naked self. "I love it when you say it, I do! But every time you do say it a little part inside of me dies because all I wanna do is say it back but I can't because that would mean that I love you too and I can't be together with Kennedy anymore and I'd have to break up with her and I can't do that! And when I can't say it back I feel so guilty because you obviously want to hear it back and I don't wanna hurt you. And I've tried so hard..."

My voice cracked as a sob ran through my body. I looked down at my lap and took a shaking breath.

"I've tried so hard," I continued in a lower tone of voice, "to keep it in, to ignore it, to tell myself that it'll be alright if I just let it be. But I can't! I thought I was strong enough, but I'm not, and I don't know what to do! I don't, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"

I covered my face with my hands, trying to hide away. I felt so weak, and I hated it. That wasn't me anymore. I wasn't weak.

"God, look at me," I mumbled, wiping my eyes with my hands. "I'm behaving like I'm in high school. I'm sorry for this, it's just, I can't...I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing," Buffy whimpered.

I looked at her for the first time since my rant started and saw her sitting there, tears running from her hazel eyes, eyes that looked at me with...fear?

"Buffy?" I asked weakly, laying my hand on top of hers.

She took a deep breath, blinking the tears out of her eyes.

"Ok," she started, and I prepared for the worst. "Will, I can't say that I don't want you to say it back. I have since long before I first said it. And I'm sorry it caused you all this trouble. I didn't want that."

She let out a puff of air.

"But I don't regret saying it," she said. Swallowing, she averted her eyes, focusing on our hands. Her thumb caressed my palm and her lips curved up into a smile.

"I could go on like this forever. I love you, and even though it hurts like hell to see you with Kennedy, it's worth it because every second we're together feels like heaven," she said sombrely, looking up into my eyes.

I half expected her to go "And I know what heaven feels like, cause I've been there."

Thankfully, she didn't.

"But you have to choose," she said instead, which was just so much worse. "I can't let you go around hurting yourself like this, not because of me, not because of anyone. I need you happy, ok?"

I couldn't say anything. I just nodded while the tears continued to fall.

Damn tears.

I felt her hand on my cheek, gently pushing my face upwards.

"Hey, look at me."

I did so, even though my vision was pretty much completely blurred out.

"You're what matters," she said firmly, cupping my cheek. "Nothing else, just you. Happy you."

She leaned forward and hugged me close, her fingers lying still on the small of my back. I cried on her shoulder for a while, but soon we just sat there in a silent embrace.

As the sound of a car pulling in to the driveway reached our ears, Buffy tilted her head back and kissed me on the temple.

"You should go get dressed," she whispered and ran her fingers softly down my left cheek.

"I know," I whispered back and had to force myself to get up and not lean into her caress.

Not feeling a whole lot better, I closed Buffy's door behind me and walked naked through the hallway to the room I share with Kennedy.

Buffy was right: I had to choose. It couldn't go on like this. It wasn't fair on anybody. And even though it hurt like hell, when it came down to it, it was an easy choice.

Which is why I'm standing here in the second floor hallway, looking out the window at the fireworks lighting up the New Year's sky, my girl hugging me close from behind, her cheek resting on my shoulder.

"Mmm. Feel better?"

I lean my head against hers, my lips smiling but my forehead's furrowed.

"Not much," I reply.

She tightens her embrace.

"But you're happy?"

My smile widens and my eyes sparkle.

"I'm happy."

I guess, in the end, you can't ignore what your heart is telling you.

The End

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