Disclaimer: Based on characters from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel the Series, created by Joss Whedon.
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"Xander, are you listening?"
"Hanging on every word G-man."
I lie. Of course I wasn't listening, but judging from the glazed expressions on Buffy and Willows faces I haven't missed anything fascinating. There's only so much incomprehensible irrelevant demon reminiscings a guy can take before he retreats to a happy land in his mind. Well unless you're Giles. He probably only noticed I wasn't listening because I was looking at the clock behind me. Then my watch. Then the clock again. Buffy usually pulls Giles up when he gets like this, but she looks tired tonight, just content to let him talk and listen to him peacefully, and oh boy is Giles making the most of it.
I'm not peaceful though. I can't help it, and I look at the clock again. Only five more minutes before I can bail and go to meet Spike.
Spike. My boyfriend. I can feel a goofy grin spread over my face I can't help it. Every time I think those words it's like it hits me for the first time all over again.
Spike. My boyfriend. Spike. OK now I'm repeating myself. But it's like it's too amazing to be real sometimes, I have to keep reminding myself yes I actually AM this lucky. We've been together for about 3 months now and every time I see him I still get a kind of clenching in my stomach, and my heart does these kind of long lazy flip flop actions, and BOOM! It hits me all over again that he's with me! That he loves me!
I think these things. I don't say them. Spike's so cool and sarcastic, I'm scared he'd, I don't know not use it against me, but think I was sweet or something. I want him to ache for me. Not pat me on the head.
The guys are by and large cool with it. Though there was a couple of nights of screaming and crying and yelling and death threats (and that was just me and Spike) but this is life and love on the hell mouth. At some point you've just gotta shrug your shoulders and go with it.
I don't think Spike and the guys will ever be bosom buddies (which is good I don't want Spike by anyone’s bosoms) but if I'm happy then they're happy.
And I'm happy, in a crapping my pants scary kind of way. Because my lover drinks blood. He's killed, as in made dead a lot of people and he doesn't feel the slightest bit guilty about it.
But as Spike said; "If you want bleedin' angst why don't you go and shag Peaches." And he's got a point. I love Spike and that means not wanting to change him. Bleached hair, black clothes, attitude from 50 paces, 'Passions' fan, non guilt, non soul, laughs at 'Bambi' in front of me, and sniffles about it in the kitchen when he thinks I can't hear. Everything. I love it all.
But it's terrifying. I've never really been in love before, not head over heels, crazy, painfully, 100%, do anything to make him happy, burning when I'm with him, numb when I'm not kind of love. Ask anyone who's been there, letting someone have so much power over you is a scary thing. Add on to that it's SPIKE and well . . .
But I get to see him sleeping, when he drops the attitude and looks so young. Vulnerable I guess is the word. You can see the guy he was, Will, and it makes my heart ache that little bit more. Almost makes me want to cry. Kill anyone that tries to hurt him.
I get to see him arching up on the bed, his head thrown back, fingers clenched in the sheets, moaning my (my!) name as I drive him wild with my mouth and fingers and cock. I see his lips swollen with my kisses, and his eyes darken when the sex is good and he's hungry for more. For me.
I'm the one he wraps himself around like a blanket and I hear him whisper "I love you." He doesn't say it that often. That's okay, he doesn't have to. I know how he feels. Though sometimes I wonder why. I mean I'm nothing special and he's incredible, he could find somebody as incredible as him, but he doesn't because he loves me. ME! Xander Harris. I make him happy.
Anyway time to drag myself out of the mental Xan and Spike land and go to the real one.
"I gotta split, catch you guys later," I say interrupting Giles mid flow.
"Oh erm alright." Giles looked surprised, I think Giles was in his own happy land there. A land where there is a captive audience and he is king.
"Have fun," Willow called out and I just shoot her a grin.
She smiles at me, definitely a wistful/happy thing going on there. "Okay, see you tomorrow?"
"You know it."
And I bound out of the magic shop, making my way over to the coffee place. The place is buzzing, but I see him straight away, leaning against the wall, looking out in the distance, the ever present cigarette dangling from his fingers. Probably contemplating his blood drenched past. Or his blood drenched future if he ever gets his chip out. Or when to dye his hair next. You know the important stuff. And what did I tell you? Clenching in the stomach and flip flops.
You know it's witty lines like that that won him over.
His eyes rove up and down me and he flicks the cigarette away like he has no interest in it anymore.
"Well well," he drawls lazily. "What's a guy like you doing in a place like this?"
"Looking for a guy like you."
He arches his eyebrow and the corner of his mouth twitches.
"You don't waste time. Like that about you."
"There's a lot of stuff about me that you like." I state.
His eyes flicker over my body again, and he's got that look. That half smile, half sneer, wholly horny look he gets, and the heat starts rising in me. I think my fingers actually twitch at the ends. You know when you want to touch someone so bad your body moves before your mind kicks in? I vaguely remember asking Spike if he wanted to go to the movies tonight, but it's been a whole 14 hours since I saw him and the only place we're going is straight to bed.
"You got that right luv. Lets go. We're wasting time when we could be naked." At least we're on the same wavelength.
"Wow Spike you're so romantic." I shake my head and we start walking.
"You know me pet," he runs a finger down my arm and I shiver, "actions speak louder and all that, and I've got some actions that are going to blow your mind . . .Such as it is."
"You know it's sweet talk like that that makes me wonder why I put up with you."
We're walking down an alley now, away from all the eyes, and he pulls me to him, kissing me with cool lips, and teasing tongue and I wrap myself around him, his body hard against mine and his hair soft under my fingers, and I just want to melt. Melt into him.
He lets go and grins at me.
"And it's sweet actions like that that remind you."
I grin back at him and take his hand as we carry on walking.
What can I say? He's completely right.
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