I in Love

by Ivy Gort

Copyright © 2004

exiled@runbox.com

Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse:  http://mysticmuse.net
Spoilers: Season 4.
Feedback: Please it helps me write faster.
Dedication: Ann Marie is the Great Goddess!
Pairing: Willow/Buffy

I'm sitting here, at the Bronze, watching Anya and Xander have a blast dancing. I feel like a third wheel, again. I don't understand why I didn't let Tara come along tonight; she would have enjoyed getting out of her dorm room. I could see how painfully shy she is and I want to bring her out into the light. Like what Buffy did to me in high school when she ignored Cordelia and became my friend. It's just that something seemed wrong this afternoon when I was talking toTara, it didn't have the feeling of "let's be friends" it felt more like, "will you go out with me?"

And that gift! A dolls-eye crystal is expensive, that's why I haven't been able to get one. Tara wanted to give it to me, the same crystal that belonged to her grandmother! There was no way I could have accepted it and Tara must have known that.

Darn, I wish Buffy would show up! I miss her, I miss walking with her to class, hearing her come home late and knowing that she was safe for another night.

"Oh, well this was the only one I had on me. Besides, it's getting late. Maybe we should go." I vaguely hear Xander say something and wonder how long they had been standing at the table while I was lost in thought. Then his words run through my mind...

"Go? You can't go. Buffy hasn't gotten here yet," even I can hear the panicked edge in my voice.

If Xander and Anya leave then I'll have to leave too, it's just too dangerous to go anywhere in Sunnydale alone.

Unless you're the Slayer.

"Let's face it, Will. She's over an hour late. She's probably out living the life of Riley. I don't think she's coming." Xander gives me that look he has when he's trying to break bad news without hurting my feelings.

"She is!" The words sound unconvincing even to my ears. "She said she was looking forward to spending quality time with just us." And she did say that this morning between ogling Riley and babbling about her action-filled night with the boys.

Then the air seems to change, it becomes charged as it always does whenever the Slayer enters the Bronze and I look towards the door – she is a vision. She has on her favorite red halter that she wears when she's playing innocent victim on patrol.

"See? Here she comes..." I don't hide the smirk. A smirk that fades as I see not only Riley come through the door behind her but also a bunch of other military type guys. They stick out like a...a sticky out thing. "...with Riley...and some other guys." I lamely finish and see both Anya and Xander cringe.

Buffy, of course, acts oblivious to Xander's and Anya's discomfort.

"Hi, all. Sorry about the late-itude," she says, catching my eyes with hers.

"Late? Really? Huh. Hadn't noticed," Xander says sarcastically to cover his hurt that Buffy was not only late but that she brought Riley and the commandos with her. Buffy gives him a look, then smiles at me.

"Hope you don't mind us tagging along," Riley asks rhetorically.

And I want to answer him, 'What, are you two joined at the hip or something? Can't you let Buffy out of your sight for one second?' Only I don't because I'm a good girl and what right do I have to try to come between them? I'm Buffy's best friend, not her boyfriend...

'Where did that thought come from?' I think frantically. Then stop thinking because I'm Buffy's best friend with a period at the end, not a question mark.

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to put the huge, good looking boyfriend at ease, it's my job. Did I mention that I hate my job?

"No, of course not. The more the...more." Well, that wasn't one of my finest moments and Buffy's attention is drawn to me, her full-out Slayer mode attention.

"This is Graham. This is Forrest. That's Kevin. And that's Jay in the back," Riley continues, as if he doesn't notice that Buffy is no longer listening.

Her hazel eyes lock for just a moment with mine. And her eyes darken? Did I see her eyes darken?

Ok, so I don't know what's going on with me. Here I have a great boyfriend, Riley, with dreamy arms. Even Willow likes his arms and his hands. Willow even set us up, so we're set up, we're all couple-y and I think Will would be happy that I finally have the inside scoop on the commandos and their "higher purpose" but she's not.

I can tell the moment that we walk into the Bronze that something is up with my Wiccan. Xander and Anya leave to go dance, which is good, I still don't know enough about Walsh and "her boys" to say if Anya is safe or not. And after what I saw today I don't think I want to take on the entire US government to rescue her.

Thankfully Riley leaves to go get drinks so I can ask Willow what's the up? Only I chicken out at the last moment.

"Anya seems a bit on edge," I say, and wonder if I could get any lamer with the small talk? I see Willow look away as if she's struggling with a question.

"She's a little angsty around commando-types. Ex-demon issues," Willow answers automatically. I can tell that something is really bothering her. She sits there just playing with her drink for a few moments. And I of course have to fill in the void with chatter.

"Oh. You know, I didn't think that you would mind. Riley and the guys were throwing a little impromptu celebration in my honor and made it, like, impossible to not invite them." I give her another lame-o line while trying to get my mind around her mood.

"Oh. That's neat about the celebrating. I just thought this was supposed to be, you know, just us. Just the Scooby corps, you know. I mean, I could have invited somebody else if I knew it was an open free-for-all," she mumbles.

And again, I sense that there is something that she really needs to tell me or talk about but just can't find the words, and you know what? I don't blame her at all, I come dashing in here an hour late...with a bunch of people that she's never met...shy Willow would naturally make an appearance.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea. My *total* bad." I give her my most charming smile, trying to get her to relax enough so that she'll talk and then her words catch up with my brain. "So, who did you want to invite?"

Maybe she met someone? Maybe she's finally moving on from Oz...why did my throat just close and tears come to my eyes with that thought? Why does the idea of my Willow moving on to another boyfriend bother me so much? I want her to be happy.

"What?" she asks, startled.

"You said you wanted to invite someone," I remind her and I really do want to know. I do want her to be happy. I'm her best friend and best friends want the friend-ee to be happy. We do really do! Honest! Cross my heart and hope...

"No. Not – no one. I meant a hypothetical someone which is to say no one," she answers.

Oh, thank god! I think, and then immediately close down on that line.

"What are we celebrating?" her question makes it through my muddled thoughts and I nearly tell her we'll celebrating the fact that you don't have boyfriend. I don't though; it takes but a moment for me to remember.

"I'm in. The Initiative. Professor Walsh gave me the grand tour and we're talking Grand as in Canyon! You'd never believe the size of it." I try to make myself sound excited about it all, it's just that underneath I'm frightened of the idea that the government is getting involved with demons.

"That's really...again I say 'neat.' So, what do you mean exactly? You've joined them?" And Willow sounds exactly like I feel. I know she thinks it's a bad idea. She doesn't know the real reason I joined them...or maybe she does.

"No. N-not exactly. It just means that when I patrol I'll have a heavily armed team backing me up." Which means that you, my dear Willow, will no longer be put into danger because of MY job. I want to tell her the real reason I've joined, or not joined, is because I can't stand it that my "calling" has caused her so much pain. I look up from my thoughts into her eyes and I can't read her emotions. So I add lamely – " Plus, boyfriend going to work with me: big extra perk." She gives me that half-smile she has that is so sad it nearly breaks my heart.

"Buffy, do you really think this is a good idea? I mean, don't you think you're rushing things a little?" Huh? Why would she ask me that one? She's the one that set me up with Riley. I never would have gone out with him otherwise.

"I thought you liked Riley?" I ask her, thinking that if she doesn't then he will be history tonight.

"Not with Riley. With the Initiative. I mean, there's a bunch of stuff about them we still don't know," she clarifies. Damn, I was hoping it was Riley she had a problem with, instead she's still on the Initiative. Duh, like I don't know there are questions that need answering?

"I know that," and too late I realize that I sound more than a little miffed. So I add with a smile, "like what?"

"Well, what's their ultimate agenda? I mean, okay, yeah, they-they neuter vampires and demons. But then what? Are they gonna reintegrate them into society? Get them jobs as bagboys at Wal-Mart?" Willow asks.

All good questions Will, and ones I hadn't thought of, and this is why I love you so much. That's what I want to say, I don't. What I do say is, "Does Wal-Mart have bagboys?" Because it's expected of me. Blonde hair sometimes comes in handy. Like when I almost blurt out that I love my best friend at unacceptable times.

"Plus, don't forget that '314' thing that Ethan told Giles about." Again with the good question. But, again I don't want you involved so how do I handle it – blow it off – I guess that's best.

"Well, a man that worships chaos and tries to kill you, is a man you can trust," I say flippantly. I am worried about 314, deeply concerned about this project, and I don't want to spend another minute in Riley's company because I love you Willow. But my life is too dangerous for you to be my best friend, so even if I won the lottery and you decided you were Gay – I'm not free to love you.

"Well, bad info or not, I just think there's certain questions you should ask before you go off and enlist," she persists. And now I wish that she had brought someone to the Bronze tonight to distract me.

The pager that Walsh gave me earlier goes off and all I think is, saved by the bell.

"When did you get a pager? What's going – ?" she asks confused as I stand up. Riley walks up and places his big arm around me.

"That's our cue. Mother wants us." It's like he's ordering me to go with him.

"Will..." I look at her hoping she will understand.

"I know. Talk later," and she does. She always does. I allow Riley to guide me away from the table looking around for Xander and Anya. When I don't see them on the dance floor I stop to check the bar. Riley nearly falls over me.

"Buffy we have to go, " he tells me impatiently as I check out the balcony.

"I don't see Xander or Anya anywhere, do you?" I ask him because his height sometimes has its advantages.

Graham, who is behind us, pops up, " Your other two friends? I saw them leave."

I turn to Graham, "What? They wouldn't just leave." But even as the words are leaving my mouth I know that Anya is frightened of the Initiative so she would have dragged Xander with her. And Xander for his part hadn't looked pleased to see Riley and the boys.

"What does it matter Buffy? We have to go," Riley insists, trying to push me towards the door. Wow, does he have a lot to learn about trying to get a Slayer to do something that she doesn't want to do...

"No, I have to walk Willow home," I tell him and when I look up into his face he's shaking his head no.

"We have been paged and we need to go now," he insists again, and this time I see panic flicker across the manly features of his face and I wonder what I saw in him in the first place.

Oh, I remember, he's a warm body...or to put it clearly...he's a warm MALE body, that is a convenience so none of my friends – by friends I mean "best friend" will know that when I tell Willow I love her, I actually mean I love you and let's get naked together.

Did I really think that? Yes, I did. I'm not Gay...I'm not Gay. I realize that in my confusion Riley has gotten us out of the door. So I dig in my heels and watch as all the big soldier boys bounce off of little old me like pinballs. Riley actually falls down with the other guys piled on top.

I give him my best Slayer stare. "I said, I have to walk Willow home. I will be along after she's safe." The guys just lay there on the cold wet pavement with their mouths open. Well, I don't have time for their stupidity so I turn on my heels and go back into the Bronze in search of my life...er...my best friend.

I nearly run her over coming out of the Bronze.

"Hey, have you seen...?" she asks.

"He left, I'll walk you home," I take her arm in mine.

In the time it took me to walk in the door, nearly run over Willow, and walk out again all the boys have disappeared. Thank God I don't have to deal with them.

Willow has her head down and her coat collar pulled up, hiding her face from me. Her arm stays locked around mine as we leave the streets behind us and move onto the quieter paths of the campus.

"Buffy?" her voice is a whisper. If I didn't have Slayer hearing then I would have missed it. When my Willow won't look at me, is quiet, and whispers my name, it means that she has something on her mind. She needs to talk to me and I need to be supportive best friend, no matter what she tells me.

"Yes?" I answer her as I spot a bench under a tree. Of course no one else is out and about, this might be a college campus but it's still Sunnydale. Willow and I will have the privacy that we need.

She waits until we are both seated before she starts to talk or should I say blurt things out. "What if there was someone I was thinking about inviting to the Bronze tonight? And that someone was a girl?" The bench falls out from under me. My stomach fills with acid and I have to swallow to keep it from coming up.

Irony, sweet irony, with a capitol I. My Willow likes girls or maybe not...

"Buffy?" I can tell that I've freaked her out. Best Friend mode remember, this is Willow, Willow who you just want to be happy, Willow who you can never love because of your calling?

"You're grossed out aren't you?" Willow who is standing and getting ready to bolt because you can't get your mouth working. I see her turn, the muscle in her legs bunching in preparation to flee and I use my Slayer reflexes to grab her and pull her down into my lap. And wish I hadn't because under the gross smell of stale cigarettes from the Bronze is the strawberry of her shampoo and under that is the muskiness that is all Willow. Oh God I love the way she smells and instantly I feel the heat beginning to build.

"Buffy? Um, ah, Buffy?" she tentatively asks trying to pull away from me. I just tighten my hold and tug her closer. So that now her head is nestled under my chin. She is so warm, warmer than Riley by far. "Buffy?" she whispers my name in the form of a question and the heat that was building races down my spine. I have to take a deep breath, then another.

"Willow..." her name comes out more as a plea. Then my senses return, or the nagging little voice that likes to ruin my fun. I might have heard her wrong, or she could had been saying she met a new best friend or..."Willow, what exactly did you mean about a girl someone?" Yeah, that was good just blurt it out. So cool Buffy.

I have my arms wrapped around her so I can feel it when her breath catches, I think she is crying. I want to move her so I can look, but I she's so tense that I don't dare. I repeat it again, I am her best friend, I want her to be happy.

"Willow, you can tell me anything," And now I do lift her chin up so that she can see my eyes. "Anything." I reiterate. She nods and I let her move off my lap to sit next to me, I don't like the loss of contact, so I claim her hand in mine.

She takes a deep breath...then another. She looks up at me and her face crumbles. I pull her back into a hug, and start gently rubbing her back.

"I think, I think..." she pauses to swallow a sob. "I might be Gay." And now my tears start because it's like I've won the lottery but lost the ticket. My Willow – Gay. My Willow that I can never have because of my calling, Gay. I feel the tears start to pour down my face.

"I'm your best friend Willow, I will always love you," I tell her, she needs to know that, even if I make sure she doesn't understand what I truly mean.

She reaches up and traces my face, then takes her thumb to wipe away my tears. I take her hand in mine and kiss her fingers. I hear her breath catch and I know I've done too much, shown her too much, I release her hand and place her back on the bench.

"Tell me about her," I choke out, hoping that Willow won't understand the real reason behind my tears.

She looks away, down the path. "Her name is Tara, she...we met at the Wicca group the night before the Gentlemen?" she glances back at me to see if I remember, when I nod she stands up. I miss the feeling of her sitting next to me, of her warmth, of her smell teasing my senses.

"She...I think...I mean I get the feeling that she's, you know?" Again Willow looks back at me trying to gauge my reaction. I know that any hint of rejection now would ruin our friendship forever and if I can't have her as my lover, then I still need for her to be my friend.

"But you don't know?" I stand up and take the step over to her. "Will, you have to go to Tara and tell her; you have to honest with your feelings."

And I am such a damn hypocrite! Willow comes and hugs me, I notice for the first time how well we fit together. My head fits perfectly under her chin, and if I wanted to pull away a little, I wouldn't have to stand on my toes to kiss her.

"You're right, I'll go right now." She breaks away from me and I can feel the tears threatening again.

"I'll walk you to the quad, then I have to go see what Walsh wants," I face away to wipe the tears. When I turn back to her I have a huge smile plastered on my face. She takes my hand and we head off in the direction of dorm row.

I stand on the steps to Tara's dorm and watch as Buffy disappears down the path. I keep running the conversation that we just had through my mind, sure that I missed something. Well, I missed something besides being a complete and utter coward. The person that I wanted to tell I loved was Buffy, not Tara. But, my nerve ran out and so, here I stand. I knew that Buffy was straight as an arrow, I mean Riley? Good All-American Riley, and Angel? Hello, I may be Gay now, but there is no possible way that Buffy would ever be...So why I have spent the last five minutes standing on Tara's steps instead of...

I hear clapping off to the right and instinctively I reach into my pocket. My hand curls around the water pistol I'm carrying there. The water pistol that's filled with Holy Water.

"Now that was a bit of right good entertainment if I'ver saw it." Spike. Why does it have to be Spike? Isn't my life complicated enough without him showing up tonight. "I see how you're on the bird's doorstep and haven't stepped, so to speak," he continues and his words are finally breaking through my thoughts.

"Huh?" He just smiles at me. He leans against one of the columns that supports the building and lights up a cigarette, which is totally gross! How can anyone think that ashtray mouth is sexy? He takes a puff and blows the smoke my way. Why am I still standing here...Oh, because I don't want to go in and tell Tara I want to date her when I love Buffy.

"You are an idiot," he says the words slowly and I almost pull out the Holy Water anyway. "You finally realize that you like birds and then you let the one huge love of your life walk away from you!" He smirks, then throws the nasty cancer stick away and takes a threatening step towards me. "You bloody humans are so tragic!" He screams in my face. I have no clue what he's talking about so I back away.

Spike takes an unneeded calming breath and, yep, he still smells like smoke. "You love the Slayer, the Slayer loves you, so why are you here standing on another bird's doorstep?" he asks calmly.

And do my best impression of a fish as I open my mouth to answer, then close it and then open it again. I'm stunned that he knows my secret. I am so shocked that the truth comes out. "'Cause Buffy doesn't love me, she likes men."

"Ha, bloody ha!" he tells me and then turns away. He goes back to lean against the column again but thankfully does not fire up. "I'll let you in on a little secret, the Slayer has it for you, she loves you so much that she's scared down to her tight little ass that something will happen to you."

I feel sick, why do I feel sick when Spike just told me Buffy loves me? Oh, maybe because it's Spike? Or it could be that I want to believe him so badly..."That's not true, it can't be true, Buffy likes men. Yes, she loves me, she just doesn't love me, love me."

Spike looks confused for a moment as he runs my words through his dead brain. Then he reaches for his cancer sticks again. And I'm sick of his rudeness. How dare he continue to smoke around me when I have repeatedly asked him not too! So I grab my water pistol and soak the cigarettes along with his hand. He drops the pack and shakes his hand, trying to get it to stop smoking.

"Aye! Wha' ya do 'at fore?" he spits out, grabbing a hankie from his coat pocket and wrapping it around his still smoking hand.

"You deserved it for lying to me and for smoking around me. You might have dead lungs but I don't!" I shout and then notice that lights are going on in the dorm behind me so I start down the stairs. "I'm going home." He's right about one thing...I do love Buffy, not Tara. I took the first step tonight by telling her I was Gay. When she gets home I'm going to go all out and tell her I love her.

I drag my tired, aching body up the stairs to the dorm around eight hoping that Willow has already left for class. I can't believe I was so depressed that I lost control after the fight with that poky demon. God, if I hadn't been turned on already there would have been no way Riley could have satisfied me. And why do I feel like an enormous slut, on top of feeling like I cheated on Willow?

Willow probably spent the night with that Tara person; spent the night with someone who won't bring her continuous gut wrenching pain and misery. I'm happy for her, I really am, but...I hurt. I feel like I can barely breathe just thinking about my Willow in another woman's arms.

It was hard enough to see her with Oz day after day, night after night...Sometimes I would let the Slayer loose on some helpless demon in sheer frustration.

I hate myself for feeling this way, I know that jealously is one of the deadly sins...I stop in the middle of the hallway, vaguely thinking about going back to Riley to see if he's recovered. The Slayer is on edge. Upset that I would let Willow go and not fight for her. But the Slayer is all want, take, have, and damn the consequences. I saw what that did to Faith, what that nearly did to me when I listened to Faith.

Why can't I just stop loving her? What is it about me that makes love so hard? I see people falling in and out of love all around me...why can't I fall out of love, when I know it's for the best?

Shaun passes by me and gives me a questioning look. I can I tell that he smells the sex on me – so Riley's out – if nice and polite Shaun smirks because I smell like sex then what would Riley's immature soldier boys say or do.

I reach the door; I don't want to open it. I don't want to see Willow's bed unmade, unslept in. And if she's there I don't want to hear how wonderful Tara is or was, I hate that falling in love glowing newness she has. I hate that I'm going to have to pretend to be little Miss Straight as an arrow Buffy – yeah, like she couldn't see what Faith and I were doing.

Damn it, and I hate that now I'm getting angry at her when she hasn't done anything except to be happy. My emotions are so out of control that I fling the door open and it crashes into the wall – which causes a sleeping Willow to jump out of bed with a stake in one hand and a water pistol in the other.

The sight of her wild red hair and startled green eyes instantly arouses me. It's all I can do not to growl at her.

"Buffy?" she says blinking the sleep from her eyes. Then she cutely peers at the alarm clock. We all know that she needs glasses, she just refuses to go to the eye doctor. "It's morning?" she looks around confused and I use that confusion to grab my shower basket and robe.

"You need to get going Will, you're going to miss class," I tell her as I breeze out the door, hoping against hope that she'll be so distracted by being late for class that she doesn't notice the smell.

"Huh, wait Buffy," she shouts as I escape out the door. I nearly run down the hall to the bathroom, I don't want her to follow me. Willow has been known to do strange things when she thinks that one of her friends could be hurting. My little Wiccan has a sixth sense about things like that.

I turn on the cold water before stripping off my clothes. The stalls have a privacy area away from the spray of the water and it's there that I realize something. Something that steals my breath away and makes me double over in pain, in the space of less than twelve hours my simple crush on Willow has changed. It's changed and because of it I must leave her, today. Ever since I found out that she could possibly like women instead of men, ever since she told me about Tara – my love has become an obsession – an unhealthy obsession.

Normal people do not go and screw their boyfriend because...and then the similarities between Faith in high school strike. I can't let it go that far, I can't let the Slayer drive me into the sexual frenzy that it would drive Faith to...

As if on automatic pilot I get up off the bench and stand under the shower. I must leave her, today. I have to end the friendship. I let the tears come then, I can move back home, mom will be thrilled to have me.

I just stand under the shower and let the water wash the pain through me. I have to leave Willow, I can't have the comfort of her friendship, the Slayer won't let me.

I take a deep breath before I open the door to our room; soon it will be just Willow's room. It hurts worse than anything I've ever felt before, this is so much worse than Angel there is no comparison.

I remember reading somewhere that the only real pain is emotional. The only true scars are the ones you can't see.

I take another deep breath because I have to do this now, today or I never will be able to. I don't know if she could ever love me and I don't want to know because I'm afraid. If she could love me, if she would chose me over Tara and a normal life then what could I offer? I'll be dead before I'm 25; no Slayer has ever lived longer. Most of us die in our first year; I died in my first full year.

I know that those thoughts are just delaying tactics; the real reason I'm leaving Willow – there I said it – I'm leaving Willow. The reason I am leaving Willow is because of the danger to her.

I took a long shower thinking that if I waited long enough Willow would be gone. She never misses class unless the world is about end. I know she's on the other side of the door because I can feel her. She has a – brightness about her that I can feel above everything else, even in a crowd, so knowing she's in our room in an almost empty dorm is a piece of cake.

This is it – I open the door and she's there sitting on her bed, hugging a pillow, facing the door. My Willow sitting on the bed looking at the door doing nothing is not a good sign. Boredom is her enemy. She can't stand to be bored for even a few minutes.

"Buffy!" She nearly shouts my name as I slowly walk into the room, deliberately shutting the door behind me. "We need to talk," she tells me as she places the pillow down beside her and she tucks her legs beneath her and rises up onto her knees.

I don't want to hear how great Tara is, so I cut her off. "Yes, we do Will and it's pretty serious...I think I'm gonna..." And the damn phone rings.

We have to answer it. It could be Giles or Xander or mom letting us know that if we don't do something the world will end in five minutes. Since she's closest she just reaches for it.

"Oh, Hi Tara," I watch as her face brightens when she says the name. And that answers all the unasked questions that I refused to think about it. No, she doesn't love me like that; she could never love me like that.

"Look Tara can I call you back? Yes, this afternoon, sure..." There she goes; she's making a date with her new girlfriend while I just stand here with my mouth open? Well, to Hell with that and I should know 'cause I've been to Hell.

The Slayer rises up, she starts pushing at my restraint, and she wants blood and death. How dare the Slayer's mate talk to another woman! How dare she show such a lack of respect – blood – she wants blood. She won't be satisfied unless she tastes the interlopers....

"Buffy what's wrong?" How did Willow get from over by her bed to right here – standing next to me? The Slayer reaches out and grabs her – "Mine!" – then crushes my little I Wiccan's body to her and gives her a bruising kiss.

Willow pushes at me and that causes the Slayer to release her hold. The Slayer would never hurt her. But now that I have control I purposely go to my closet and pull out one of my empty chests, I start flinging my clothes in it without folding them – I have to get away from Willow before I totally lose it – I have to leave now, mom can come back and pack for me.

"Buffy what are you doing?" I hear Willow ask as if she's far away. I glance up at her briefly, anymore than that and I'm afraid the Slayer will break free again.

"I'm leaving," I tell her going back into my closet to get some more clothes. When I turn back around Willow is standing in the doorway of the closet blocking me in.

"No," she says the word so softly that I barely hear her.

"What?" I'm surprised at this Willow, a Willow that I've rarely seen.

She clears her throat, then waits until I look up at her. Her green eyes have fire in them. "I said no," she pauses and looks away. "Well, no for right now, no in the sense that you are going to sit down and talk to me..." her voice keeps getting louder.

When she faces me again, her eyes are shining with unshed tears. She's waiting for me to say something, anything, I know that her threat isn't an idle one. She will stand, blocking the way out of the closet, until Hell freezes over if I don't agree to talk to her. The fact that I'm many, many times stronger than her is not an issue. There is no possible way I would risk hurting her by using my strength – I simply can not do it – thus I'm stuck here.

I cross my arms across my chest and give her my best 'Slayer' stare. She cringes but then crosses her arms mimicking my pose. "Ok Buffy, you want to play it this way, then we will."

"I'm not playing, Willow. I need to leave, it's for..."

"...my own good?" she asks, lifting an eyebrow. "Or my safety?" she spits out the words like they taste vile. "Oh, and here's my favorite one – 'cause you couldn't take it if anything happened to me?" With each one she takes a step into the closet, until she's standing over me. I know she's only a few inches taller than I am, I know that I'm The Slayer, and yet, it feels like she's towering over me.

I drop my arms to my sides and look at anything besides those burning green eyes. I have never been so dominated in a battle. Even the Slayer is cowed.

I hear breathing, I know what she's doing, she's trying to regain some control over herself. I can nearly count with her, breath in one, two, three, breath out.

"Good, now do we stay in here or do we go and sit down like civilized people?" she asks, and all I can do is nod and meekly follow her out of the closet.

"Now sit down," she orders me and I obey her by sitting in the chair by my desk. The Slayer loves Willow's forcefulness. She walks right up to me, peering down into my face.

"There are only two issues here Buffy," she starts, taking a deep breath. "The first one is that I love you and the second is, do you love me?"

I never in a million years thought that Willow could love me. I dreamed that she could but I never thought she would...I look up into her green eyes and all the fire and intensity is gone, in its place is shy Willow holding her breath waiting for my reply. All I have to do is say no, that I don't love her and she will accept it. She will be safe.

I open my mouth, the words of pain on my tongue and I close it with a snap. I can't lie to her, I could never lie to her. The only way to keep secrets from her was by not talking...so I turn away from her.

I feel her warm fingers on my face tracing my hairline and I close my eyes and lean into the touch before I realize what I'm doing.

"Buffy, for the bravest person I know you are certainly the biggest emotional coward I have ever met," she whispers the words into my ear as she sits on my lap. Then she's kissing me and I have no choice but to kiss her back.

Something breaks within me, not breaking, it's opening, I'm opening. I need her in my life, I can't leave, I don't want to leave – but I'm just so afraid – what if...She deepens the kiss and I now know the truth: she's been a Scooby for three years, she's knows the risks and she knows how to be careful.

And if she can take a chance knowing that I'm going to die soon then why can't I? Why can't I just love her for as long as I can and let tomorrow take care of itself?

The answer to all my questions is in my arms and all I have to do is let her love me, like I do her.

The End

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