Understanding the Hurt

by Emmy

Copyright © 2004

Emmy7792@aol.com

Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing and seek no profit from this story.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse http://mysticmuse.net
Anywhere else, please ask me first.
Feedback: Yes, please. It makes me all happy-like.
Spoilers: Surprise and Innocence.
Author's Note: Thank you to LaDy SiN for the extra fast beta'ing!
Dedication: This series is for Gabrielle on her birthday. I hope you had a wonderful birthday, Sweetie! Enjoy! =)
Pairing: Willow/Spike

Willow left the library in a foul mood. She couldn't believe that after everything Cordelia had done to them over the years that Xander would still allow himself to fall under her spell. 'Yet, there they were making out in the stacks like there's not gonna be a tomorrow!' She thought.

Willow paused and considered that thought. 'Well, it is possible that there won't be a tomorrow...especially if we don't find a way to stop that Judge-guy,' her mind awhirl, Willow started walking again.

It was only then that she realized that it was after dark and she was out alone without any protection. 'I just had to rush out of there without a cross or some holy water, didn't I?' She thought as she hurried through the park. 'And I'm supposed to be the smart one.'

Her thoughts jumped from scolding herself for not thinking about protection, to wondering which type of 'evil nasties' she could possibly run into. She was so lost in thought that she didn't notice she was being followed until the vampire spoke. "You know, pet, it's a bit late for a stroll."

"Spike." Willow said.

"You know who I am?"

Willow nodded and turned around. "Yes."

Spike stared at her. After a moment, recognition flashed in his eyes. "Right. You're one of the Slayer's little friends."

Again Willow nodded. Spike smirked at her. "You know what I am."

"You're a vampire." Willow said.

"Why, then, aren't you running away?"

Willow bit her lip, hesitating. Spike rolled his eyes as she shifted from foot to foot. "Speak!" He snapped.

Willow jumped. "I-I...what...how ..."

"Quit stammering, you stupid bint! Tell me why you aren't running away from me!" Spike demanded, his eyes flashing.

"Uh..." Willow managed.

Spike's body began to quake with anger. "It's because of this bloody chair, right? I'm not scary anymore because I'm just a cripple, that's it, right?"

The defeated tone of Spike's voice caused something in Willow to stir. "No...I mean, yes, that's why I'm not running, but it's not because you're not scary. You're scaring the crap outta me right now, what with the shaking and all..."

Spike looked up at her, his expression hopeful. "Really? You're scared of me?"

Willow nodded. "Yeah. But, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, I suppose that'd be all right."

Willow pointed to a park bench and walked over to it, checking once to see that Spike was indeed following her. She sat down and waited until he'd settled his

wheelchair beside her. "What happened?" She asked.

Spike growled. "Bloody Slayer happened."

"Buffy did this to you?"

Spike nodded. "Threw a soddin' incense burner at my head, she did. Knocked me out cold. Then the damn roof caved in on top of me...woke up like this."

Willow was silent for a minute. Spike looked at her, only to find her staring at him. "What?" He asked.

"Is it permanent?"

Spike shook his head. "No, I'm already getting stronger. With each and every kill."

Willow paled at that but didn't move to run away. "I'm sorry it happened. It must be horrible for you."

Spike nodded. "You have no idea, pet."

"You were going to kill me tonight, weren't you? That's why you approached me." Willow said.

Spike lifted an eyebrow. "Quite the astute observation."

"Are you still planning on it?" Willow asked.

"Killing you?"

Willow nodded. "Yeah. I'd like some warning, you know? So I can prepare a little bit..."

Spike stared at the girl before in shock for a moment before letting out a bark of laughter. "You, pet, are quite the human. Full of fire, you are."

Willow couldn't help but grin. "Thanks."

"Tell me, Red, What are you doing out alone tonight, anyway?"

"Running away." Willow answered without thinking.

"From what?" Spike asked.

"From who." Willow corrected.

Spike grinned and waited on her to continue. "Xander and Cordelia. That...that...bitch!"

Spike laughed again. "Now, now, such naughty language. Shame on you."

Willow blushed. "Sorry. It's just that, well, Xander...and there was kissing...it's just ..."

Spike's eyes shone with an emotion that Willow didn't recognize. "It's just not fair," He said. "The bloke chose her over you."

Willow nodded. "Yeah."

"That is something I understand quite well." Spike stated, his voice cold.

Willow bit her bottom lip once again, worrying it between her teeth. Her eyes met Spike's and she saw the truth in them. "It hurts." She said.

Spike's expression softened. "Yeah, that it does, pet, that it does."

"I should get back." Willow said.

Spike nodded. "Evil to fight and all that rot, right?"

"Yeah," Willow said. "So, you're not going to kill me?"

"Not tonight." Spike said.

"Oh, okay." Willow said.

Without another word, Spike wheeled himself away. Willow watched him go. Before she realized what she was doing, she called out his name. The vampire stopped moving and looked over his shoulder in question. Willow ran over to him and smiled. "I just wanted to say thank you."

Spike rolled his eyes. "For not killing you?"

Willow shook her head. "No. Well, okay, yes. I do appreciate that. But really, thank you for making me realize that I'm not the only under appreciated person in the world."

Spike found himself smiling at her. "Oh." He said. "Well, then, you're welcome."

Willow smiled. Without further conversation, both of them went on their way. Spike headed back to the warehouse and Willow went back to the library, both of them feeling just the slightest bit happier.

Willow's day had started out like any other. 'Well, any other in the last few weeks, at least,' She thought.

She had woken up before her alarm, as always, and her first thought had been of Xander and how soft his lips were. She had quickly backtracked, guiltily berating herself for not thinking of Oz. She had gotten ready for school, gone through her day, and then had prepared to work the love spell that would make things go back to normal. 'If only it had been that easy.' She thought with a shudder.

She remembered in vivid detail every second of the attack. Spike just walked right into the classroom like he owned the place. She saw the events play out in her mind's eye, seeing Xander try to save her, only to be knocked out. "You hit Xander." She said suddenly.

Spike rolled his eyes. "You just now tuning in, pet? Show's been on for a while."

Willow glared at the blond vampire in front of her. She was terrified that he would kill either her or Xander, or possibly both of them, but she was also very angry that he had kidnapped them. 'He is such a jerk!' She thought. 'And a drunk jerk at that. I wonder how he can see straight enough to walk...'

Willow snorted in frustration. Spike looked at her. "Problem, pet?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"What difference does it make?"

"Ah, pet, you wound me. And here I was thinking you and me were friends."

"Friends don't kidnap each other, Spike."

"Vampire friends do."

"Oh, yay. Something to look forward to each and every time you visit."

Spike laughed. "There's that fire again. So, you made up your mind? You gonna help me?"

"Well, considering how we've been here an hour and you have yet to tell me what it is you want me to do-"

"Speak English, pet."

"I am."

"Then speak slower. I'm a tad bit pissed over here."

Willow paled, afraid she'd made him mad. "You're pissed off?"

Spike scowled. "Bloody American. No, ya bint, I'm not pissed off. I'm pissed. Drunk. Three sheets to the wind."

Willow blushed. "Oh."

"That Watcher hasn't taught you anything of use, has he? It's Brits like him who give Brits like me a bad name. So stuffy, soddin' wankers, they are!"

Willow rolled her eyes, annoyed. "Are you going to tell me what you want me to do, or not? Why are you doing this?"

"You have something I need. A spell."

Willow stared at him blankly. "A spell?"

"That's right," Spike said. "A love spell. I want my Princess back."

"Your princess? Oh, you mean Drusilla."

Spike nodded. "Right the first time, Red. I'm proud of you."

"Gee, thanks, Spike," Willow said. "What do you mean you want her back?"

"I want her to come back to me, what do you think I mean? She left me. I want her back."

"Oh."

Spike staggered toward her, taking a long swig from the whiskey bottle he held. "I want her back." He said, stopping right in front of Willow.

"Why should I help you?"

Spike growled. "Because I'm telling you too."

Willow sat down, hoping to distract Spike, to derail his mood before it escalated any further. "Well, okay, but you're going to have to give me more information than you have. I need to know what kind of spell to use, what supplies I'll need."

Spike sat down beside her. "What, you want details?"

Willow nodded. "It would help."

"All right," He said. "Drusilla left me for a bloody chaos demon. I want her back."

"Why?" Willow asked without thinking.

"Because she's mine."

Willow regarded him slowly. "Okay, I'll do it. But I'll need supplies...and my book."

"Where are they? Your house?"

"No." Willow said, shaking her head. "At Buffy's. I can't keep my Wicca stuff at home because--"

"Didn't ask, pet," Spike said, interrupting. "Don't care."

"Of course not." Willow said dryly.

Spike's eyes flashed as he broke the whiskey bottle, causing Willow to jump. Spike held the bottle like one would a knife, the broken shards mere inches from Willow's face. Her breath came in ragged gasps, her heart pounding. Spike breathed in the sweet scent of her fear and grinned. "You'll watch your tone, Red."

Willow nodded. Spike reached up with his free hand and stroked her face. "Such a pretty girl...haven't had a woman in so long..."

Her eyes widened. "Hey!" Willow exclaimed. "There will be no having of any kind with me, mister. Not if you want that spell."

Spike stared at her, one eyebrow arched. Slowly, he lowered the bottle. Willow flinched as Spike's hands snaked behind her neck, pulling her closer. She felt his breath on her neck and idly wondered why he breathed when he didn't have to. Their eyes locked and Spike lowered his head. His arms jerked her to him and he kissed her, hard. Willow gasped and Spike took the chance to slip his tongue into her mouth. Without realizing what she was doing, Willow began to kiss him back, her tongue dancing with Spike's. He pulled away suddenly and Willow moaned at the loss of contact. Spike smirked. "When I decide I want to have you, Red, I'll have you."

Willow blushed, but said nothing. Spike nodded at the bed. "That's Xander?"

"Yes."

"The one from last year?"

Willow's mind flashed briefly to the night she and Spike had talked in the park."Yes."

"Want me to kill him?"

Willow shook her head. "Not tonight."

Spike chucked as the witch parried his own words back to him. "Don't think I'll be killing you tonight, either."

"Good to know."

"Might change my mind."

"I figured."

Spike grinned. "I'll go get your spell book. What supplies do you need?"

Willow told him and he got up. "I'll be back soon, pet. Behave while I'm gone."

"Spike?" Willow called as he walked through the door.

He turned. "What?"

"I'm not happy that you hurt Xander, kidnapped us, kissed me, and all of that, but I'm glad you're better...that you can, um, walk again."

Spike blinked. "Quite the human, pet. Quite the human."

Willow watched him leave, staring after him for several minutes. Xander moaned, bringing her out of her thoughts. Getting up, she went to check on her friend.

Willow lay on her bed listening to her 'broken-heart' music, just like she'd been doing the majority of the time since Oz left her. She hugged her little pillow and wistfully wished for some company. Buffy was still at the frat party. 'Probably hooking up with Riley," Willow thought.

The song began to repeat once more, and someone knocked on the door. "Come in," she called out.

"Hello, pet." Spike said as he burst through the door.

'Not that kind of company!' Willow thought as she jumped up and began looking around the room for a weapon. 'Oh crap," she thought as Spike began to move towards her, his eyes cold.

"Hey, Spike!" she said, trying to sound cheerful, hoping to keep him happy. "What do you want? A spell? I can do that...work a spell for you."

Spike shook his head. "Nah, but thanks for the offer. I'm actually hungry at the moment."

Willow paled. "H-hungry?"

"Know where I can get a bite to eat, pet?" Spike asked with a grin.

"There's a blood bank down the street." Willow said, inching towards the door.

Spike wrapped his hand around her wrist, suddenly right beside her. "Going somewhere, Red?"

Willow gaped at him. "How did you--"

"Vampire speed." Spike said, leaning into her neck.

Willow was struck silent as he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her close. Even though she was scared, Willow found herself wanting to be closer to him- just like she always did in his presence. She fought the urge to bury her face in his shoulder, fought the need to seek comfort from him. 'He smells so good... I wonder if he knows that?' she thought.

She was snapped out of her thoughts as Spike ran his cold tongue up the side of her neck. Because she knew she should, she tried to jerk away, causing Spike to tighten his grip on her. "Now, pet...I could kill you outright, or I could bring you back...like me."

Willow stiffened. "I'll scream."

Spike grinned as he reached out and turned up her stereo. "Bonus."

He threw her down onto the bed and Willow's scream was lost in the blaring music. Spike loomed over her, his demon-visage glaring at her with intense yellow eyes. 'Oh Goddess, he's really going to kill me this time!' she thought as Spike's fangs grazed the tender skin of her neck. Willow gasped, her eyes closed. She felt Spike open his mouth wider and prepared herself for the pain to follow.

"Ow! Son of a bitch!" Spike shouted suddenly.

Willow's eyes snapped open. Spike was sitting on the edge of her bed clutching her head. "Spike?" she asked.

He lunged at her again and once more cried out in agony. "Sod it all to hell!"

"Spike?" Willow tried again.

"It hurts."

"What hurts?"

"My head. It hurts when I try to bite you."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh! I've gone defective!"

"No, that can't be true. Spike you're a vampire. Vampire's bite people."

"I don't understand," Spike said. "This sort of thing's never happened to me before."

"Maybe you were nervous." Willow said, trying to comfort him.

"I felt all right when I started. Let's try again." Spike says suddenly, grabbing Willow and trying to bite her.

Spike once again screamed in agony and grabbed his head. Willow watched quietly until his pain subsided. "Spike? Are you okay now?"

"Damn it!" he exclaimed. "I just can't bite you!"

"Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?" she asks.

"Not to me, it doesn't!" Spike insisted.

Willow was silent for a minute. "I don't think it's you, Spike. It's me." She whispered.

"What was that?" Spike asked.

"It's me," she said. "I'm not good enough."

Spike stared at her. "Why the bloody hell would you think that?"

Willow refused to look at him. "Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around. I'm not good enough for anyone...not Xander, not Oz...why would I be good enough for you?"

Spike blinked. "What are you talking about? Not good enough? Says who? When? Why?"

"No one wants me."

"That's not true. I want..." Spike's voice trailed off as he realized what he was about to say.

Willow stared at him. 'He wants me? Was he about to say that? How could Spike possibly want me? I'm just plain old me...' she thought, her eyes wide.

"I'd drain you any day of the week, Red. Hell, I'd turn you if you fought me hard enough." Spike said, trying to distract her from his near slip.

Willow sighed, realizing he had meant he wanted to kill her. "Really? Cause, I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, 'Oh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'oh, you're such a good friend.'"

Spike narrowed his eyes. "You got a death wish, pet?"

"No," she said, looking for a bright side. "But that – what you said – it means you must have noticed me, right?"

"Noticed you? Bloody hell, Red. Someone sure worked a number on you. Of course I noticed you. I..."

Willow moved closer to him on the bed, craving the attention he was paying her. "Really?" she asked.

Spike nodded. "The night we met you were wearing a god-awful blue and white skirt with those horrible squiggles and a navy blue jacket. And last year you had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath."

Willow lifted her eyebrows. "Wow. You're either very observant or a cross dresser."

Spike growled and Willow raised her hands in surrender. "Calm down. My point is that I never would have guessed. You played the blood lust kinda cool.

"Mmmm." Spike began. "I hate being obvious. Being all fangy and 'Grrr.' Takes the mystery out."

Willow just smiled. Spike could see that it didn't reach her eyes. Thinking that she reminded him too much of Druscilla for his liking, he reached out and stroked her face. "Who hurt you?"

Willow blinked, shocked at his soft tone. "You care?"

"I asked, didn't I?"

Willow hesitated. "Well..."

"Who hurt you? Was it that kid with the floppy hair? Zapper or something?"

She shook her head. "No, it wasn't Xander. It was another guy. My ex-boyfriend...Oz." Willow said, her voice breaking at his name.

Spike ignored her tears and pressed her for more information. "What'd he do?"

Willow just looked at him. Spike gritted his teeth, upset that she felt the need to protect her ex even after he'd hurt her. "What. Did. He. Do?" Spike asked, stressing each word.

Willow buckled under the vampire's gaze. "He cheated on me. I caught them together all naked. Then he left."

"And now you've convinced yourself that you're not good enough?"

She nodded. Spike tilted her face up towards his. He traced the tracks of her tears with his fingertips, wiping them away. "Then you're just as stupid as he was for not seeing what's right in front of you."

"What?" Willow asked.

"You're beautiful, luv."

Willow shook her head. "No, I'm not. I'm really not."

Spike said nothing, instead he leaned down and captured her lips under his for a soft kiss. He slid his lips over hers, enjoying their softness. He ran his tongue over the outline of her lips, seeking entrance. Willow opened her mouth and met his tongue with hers. He kissed her with a soft passion, his lips caressing hers, trying to make her see what he had been seeing for two years now. 'Full of fire, she is.' Spike thought. He slowly pulled away from her. Looking into her expressive eyes, he said, "Never think you're not good enough again. Ever."

He moved away from her and got off the bed, his emotions running high. Spike looked back at her, knowing full well he couldn't allow her to live. 'She's seen me weakened too many times. I can't let her go on thinking that I'm a Pouf,' he thought. Spike sighed and looked at her. 'I'll just have to turn her. Can't have all that fire wasted in death.' The thought that she would be his forever made Spike more determined than ever. 'I'll treat her like a queen, I will. My flame,' he thought.

Willow raised a hand to her tingling lips and watched him pace around the room. "You're going to kill me now, aren't you?" she asked.

"I promise it won't hurt." Spike said and lunged at her.

Willow screamed as Spike's fangs once again descended toward her neck. Then a lot of things happened at once. Spike shouted out in agony before pulling away from her, holding his head, just as the lights went out. They heard screams down the hall and Willow shot up into a sitting position. Instinctively, she reached over and grabbed a lamp off of the bedside table, breaking it over Spike's head and ran for the door.

The rest of what happened was all a blur for Willow, but as she and Buffy went to bed that night two things were clear: the commando's had attacked their dorm, and Spike was gone. Buffy was too preoccupied to notice the odd expression on Willow's face at each mention of Spike. Or to notice that every so often, Willow lifted her hand to her lips and blushed.

To be continued...

Send Feedback to Author