The 'U' in Me

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimers: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all characters associated with the show are owned by Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy and their affiliates. If they belonged to me, none of the horrors of season six would ever have happened, and Willow and Tara would be on their honeymoon by now. But they don't, so for now I borrow and kindly ask the big, scary corporate lawyer-guy to look the other way. Also, even though W/T don't belong to me, this story does. Please don't plagiarize.

Distribution: Sure, just ask me.

http://mysticmuse.net 

Feedback: Yes, please. But I have a Fire Extinguisher to put out all flames.

Author's Notes: I have a minor stutter, so when writing Tara's dialogue I read it aloud and placed her stammer where mine naturally occurred.

Pairing: Willow/Tara

Okay, here I am… standing in front of her door. Tara's door. Willow thought nervously to herself. She chuckled lightly. Haha, Taradoor… Hehe, Tori Adorè…la, la la, la la…Stop it. She scolded herself. You don't even like opera. She fidgeted, straightening her shirt. God! Why am I so nervous? It's only Tara. Nice Tara. Shy Tara. Tara who I blew off like a complete schmuck so that I could spend two and a half hours waiting at the Bronze for Buffy to show up. Of course then she did show up… with those Initiative guys, then right back out the door. Oops, sorry guys, I beeped, gotta go kill kill with my new best friends. Willow stamped the ground hard with frustration at the evening's earlier events. Ow. Her thoughts shifted again as her now aching foot distracted her to the door not two steps away. Maybe she's asleep. Maybe she's asleep and here I am about to wake her up. How rude can I be? First I blow her off, now I wake her up. I should go. I should go. She repeated to herself. I should go. She thought again as she stepped forward once. I should… She carefully raised her fist to the flat wooden barricade. I… I'm knocking… I'm knocking and I can't stop myself from knocking… Stop Knocking! You'll wake her up! Stop…

"Willow?" Tara said in surprise as she opened the door.

Quick! Say something! "A funny thing happened with my prior social engagement. Pretty much ended when a friend of mine went off to do something with another crowd she hangs out with. Irony is kind of ironic that way. Anyway, I know it's late, but I-I thought maybe—I mean, if you still wanted to...do something?"

Tara merely smiled and stepped aside, allowing the redhead inside. Willow moved inside the door and smiled sheepishly as Tara shut the door behind her.

"So what did you want to, um, do?" Asked Tara as she walked back over to her bed, shoving aside some papers and closing a few books.

"Were you studying?" Willow queried. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interrupted."

"Willow, you're n-not interrupting. If anything you're offering a w-welcome b-break."

Tara smiled. Willow smiled in return. They stood smiling at each other a few moments before Tara spoke again.

"Did you want to do some spells, or something?"

"Oh," said Willow, snapping out of her short reverie, "Uh, I dunno. We could just hang for a while if you'd rather."

"Hang?" Questioned Tara.

"Talk," Willow explained.

Tara nodded, unsure, her brow furrowed slightly. "What do you want to t-talk about?"

Willow looked around the room a moment, seeking inspiration. "Um, anything, really," she began. The small stereo caught her eye and she moved towards it. "Oh, uh, music. Music is always a good conversation starter. What kind of music do you like?"

Tara followed the redhead over to her small CD collection. Willow lifted the top jewel case and examined the cover.

"I've never heard of these guys," she said, curiously holding the case up to Tara.

"Oh," the blonde replied taking the CD, "Lacuna Coil? They're, um, I d-don't think you would like them, actually." Willow's brow furrowed. "They're dark and k-kind of depress-y," Tara further explained.

"You listen to a lot of depressing music?"

"I like to think of it more as introspective than depressing," Tara offered.

Willow nodded and smiled a little, before turning and lifting another CD from the pile. "Oh my God," she said, turning to face Tara again, "Now this surprises me."

"Why?"

"Lynyrd Skynyrd?" Willow teased, "You don't strike me as the type."

"My mom used to listen to them. It was the only rock and roll she liked. 'Freebird' was her favorite." Tara's voice softened and she let her hair fall in front of her face.

Willow saw her friend's sudden withdrawal and quickly hated herself for being so inconsiderate. "Hey," she said delicately, "I like 'Freebird', too. Oz used to play it all the time on his acoustic when we were alone."

"Oz?" Tara asked, peeking through her long bangs.

Silently Willow kicked herself again. "Um, my ex…boyfriend."

"Oh," sighed the blonde, taking a step back.

"You wanna…listen to it," Willow offered weakly.

"Not really," Tara replied, taking another step.

Willow quickly set down the CD and moved toward Tara. The blonde flinched slightly at the other girl's sudden and fast approach. But what she was bracing herself for remained a mystery to her. She was surprised as Willow kept moving past her, and took a seat on the edge of the bed, bouncing slightly.

"Let's talk about something else," Willow said gamely.

"Oh, uh, okay," answered Tara, a little flustered. She moved toward the bed, but instead opted to sit on the floor Indian style. If Willow had any feelings about the move, whether positive or negative, she didn't show it. "What do you want to talk about now," Tara questioned with trepidation.

An idea formed in Willow's brain. An idea that could work, and answer some questions that had been swimming around in her brain since she had first seen the blonde Wiccan at that ridiculous meeting. It could work, provided she was careful as to how she made her next move.

"Willow?" Tara prompted.

"Sorry," said the redhead as she snapped back to center. "Um, I guess we could talk about… I dunno… boys?"

Tara tensed visibly, a thousand thoughts, points, and evasions running through her mind at once. After what seemed to be an eternity, she swallowed her fear and pressed onward. "Um, Willow, I… uh… d-don't kn-know that much about b-b-boys." Another pause. "In general, I m-mean." She dropped her head again and the curtain of hair fell back into place.

"That's okay," soothed Willow, sliding down onto the floor. "I don't know that much about them either… I mean, I only dated the one."

Tara shook her head a little, her blonde mane swaying. "I mean… I've n-never been really interested in… t-talking about… b-boys."

"You mean you've never been interested in boys… at all," Willow offered.

"Right," Tara breathed out nervously, shifting a little on her legs.

Willow had known this statement was coming, and yet it left her completely unprepared. Okay, you got yourself into this, Rosenburg, she thought, now say something before you completely alienate the girl. "Cool," she said matter-of-factly.

"Cool?" Tara looked up through her locks.

"Yeah," Willow continued, "What did you think I'd say?"

"Well, most people just say 'Oh' and then they generally follow that with 'I thought so' before they make some excuse about h-having to be somewhere else," Tara quickly explained.

Willow sighed a little, and smiled an assuring smile. "Well, I didn't say 'Oh'. And I don't have to be anywhere else. But… I did kind of… think so." Tara nodded softly. "And I still mean it when I say 'Cool'. In fact it's totally cool." Willow added.

"But, 'cool' in what way," Tara questioned.

"'Cool' in the sense that you're being true to yourself," Willow explained, "That takes a lot of strength. I admire that."

Tara blushed heavily and, although she tried to fight it, slid even deeper under the cover of her hair. They sat on the floor in silence for a few moments before Willow spoke up again.

"I've got an idea," the redhead beamed excitedly.

"What," said Tara, emerging slightly.

"Let's play a game of Quid Pro Quo."

"Quid… what?"

"I ask you a question, and you answer it. Then you ask me a question and I answer it." Willow clarified.

"Sounds like truth or dare," said Tara.

"Sort of," the other conceded, "only there's no dare part. You in?"

"Um… sure, I guess."

"Great!" Willow replied. "What's your favorite color?"

"Oh," Tara said, surprised at the simplicity of the question. "Blue. What's yours?"

"Red."

"Like your hair?"

"No fair," Willow chided, "It's my turn to ask."

"Oh, sorry," Tara apologized.

"S'okay," Willow smiled, "I'll answer it anyway. But, I get two questions this time."

"Okay," conceded the blonde.

"Not the same as my hair," Willow explained, "Generally darker tones. The light ones tend to wash out my face." Tara nodded in understanding. "Okay, my turn," the redhead continued. "Who's your favorite author?"

"Really?"

"Really."

"You promise not to laugh?"

"I promise," said Willow. "And by the way, I now get two more questions."

"Argh," Tara groaned playfully. "Alright, my favorite author is… Dr. Seuss."

"No kidding?" Willow smiled, "Me too. Okay, now for my next of three questions…"

"Two," Tara interrupted.

"Huh?"

"Two questions." Tara allowed a half-smirk to grace her features, "You just asked me if I was kidding."

"Alright, that's fair," said Willow. "Good catch." She paused another moment before continuing. "For my next two questions," she hit the word playfully, "what's it like?"

Tara's forehead furrowed slightly. "What's what like?"

"Being gay," Willow illuminated.

"What's it like being straight?" Tara countered.

Willow thought for a while before responding, "Lonely."

"I guess it's the same then." The blonde said softly.

"Is it always?"

"No… not if you're with the right person," Tara said quietly looking up and catching Willow by the eye. They held each other's gaze for a moment. "I'd ask who's turn it is, but I don't want to lose mine," said the blonde.

"Go ahead," offered Willow, she honestly didn't care who's turn it was anymore. She was too distracted by the loud thump, thump, thumping of her heart against her ribcage to notice.

Tara finally got up the nerve to pose her question. "What's it like… b-being with a… with a guy?"

"I'm assuming you mean the actual 'being' part," Willow stated. Tara nodded shyly. "Actually… it hurts." Tara looked a little confused. "Um, but in a good way… I guess," she continued, "truthfully, Oz and I never really… that often. Our cycles never really synched right."

"Cycles?" Tara questioned, "How does a guy have a 'cycle'?"

"Oh, um, well Oz was a…" Willow suddenly found herself in a corner, how was she supposed to explain this? "I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, Tara. Because I know that you know that there are things out there that are beyond the logic of everything we were taught as kids…" Tara nodded in nervous anticipation. "Oz was… is… a werewolf." There, she had said it, and it actually felt kind of good to get it out. "And so a lot of the time, um, he'd be all wolf-y when I was… um…"

"Horny?" Tara offered with one eyebrow cocked in amusement.

"Yeah," Willow chuckled. "And I'd be menstruating while he was… wolf-y in a different, more normal, less hairy way." Both girls laughed a little at the description. "So, you're not wigged that I dated a werewolf?"

"No." Tara answered honestly. "Although, it must have been frustrating for you two. I mean, never really being able to express that side of your relationship. The s-sexual side, I mean."

"Well, don't get me wrong," explained Willow, "it was fun and all. When we got around to it. But, I could really go without it. It didn't bother me that much… not having the sex."

"Why?" Asked Tara, she quickly clarified, "I mean, did you ever wonder why that was?"

Willow let out a long sigh, she had to think about that one. "Dunno," she replied honestly. "I guess that maybe… even though it was nice… it always felt… kindof… incomplete… I guess."

"Incomplete how?"

By all rights it was Willow's turn for questions now, but the game had long since been forgotten. So Willow pressed on with her answer. "Well, Oz was always afraid of hurting me," she explained. "The closer it got to a full moon the more… aggressive… he would become. And it frightened him, I think. So, he was always kind of holding back." She continued to think for a moment before adding, "So was I."

Tara only nodded, although she desperately wanted to know more. But somehow she knew that the knowledge she sought would present itself soon enough that she needn't push much further.

"So, in all fairness," said Willow, "What's it like being with a woman?"

To say that she was caught off guard would have been a lie. Tara knew that the question was coming the second she had posed her own version earlier. Yet, she was still unsure how to answer it, and said so.

"I'm not really sure how to answer that."

Willow frowned a little. "You mean… do you not know?"

"Oh, no," assured Tara, "I... uh… know. I just d-don't know how to describe it. I mean, you know… g-guy and girl… it's p-pretty obvious what goes where. But, um, with t-two women… well, frankly there are so m-many different p-possibilities…"

"I meant, is it… nice?" Willow clarified.

"Oh," Tara replied, her voice a little more high pitch, "yeah, it's, um… v-very nice… I like it." She added with a small grin.

Willow laughed a little at Tara's smirk and the slightly guilty glint she had in her eye. Another pause.

"Why," Willow began, but stopped. Tara nodded for her to continue. Willow took in a deep breath and asked, "Why do you stutter?"

Tara suddenly felt her chest cave in on itself. This is not a question she wanted to answer. It hurt too much. She didn't want Willow to look at her like a victim. Like the poor victim of abuse from an equally poor family. She decided to evade as best she could.

"Oh," she said, "You d-don't w-wanna kn-know that." She grimaced at her stammering as it gave her away. "T-typical childhood t-trauma."

"But…"

"Willow," she said forcefully enough that she didn't stutter the redhead's name. "I really d-don't want to t-talk about it… y-yet."

Wow, thought Willow, I really hit something. "That's okay," she said. An awkward silence fell over the two girls. Tara shifted on her legs and stared at the floor. Willow stared at Tara through the blonde's long bangs.

"You know what I hate," Willow began, "awkward silences. You know? Cuz they're so silent and… awkward. And everybody always gets fidgety and nervous… but why? No reason really. I mean, example: you and I. What have we got to be nervous about? Nothing. Right? Because… can I kiss you?"

"What?!" Yelped Tara, snapping her head up, causing her long hair to pull back its veil.

"Just a little," Willow carried quickly on.

"W-why?" Tara's voice still registered one above its normal octave.

"Um… curiosity?" Offered the redhead.

"N-no," Tara said firmly, her brow furrowed, her mouth forming a frown.

"No?" Willow asked, defeated.

"Not for your c-curiosity's sake," Tara answered. "Willow, call me old-fashioned, but to me… a kiss means something. A kiss is a promise."

Willow sank backward into the edge of the bed. "I'm… sorry," she said softly. "I just don't know how…" Willow paused a moment to catch her breath and her thoughts. She let out a long sigh, exhaling slowly, her stomach doing flip-flops in her abdomen. "When I was in high school I met this girl. She um, was pretty and fun and… she was nice to me. I found myself thinking about her and looking at her all the time. Staring, really. And, I think I was in love with her… but I don't know for sure. Because, she started dating this older man and… I met Oz. He treated me like I was something really special. And no one had done that before. Not even the girl. So, I kind of pushed us into a relationship so that I could say that I had one. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved Oz. I still do. But, with you… I feel like I have this chance to… go back. Only this time it would be better. Because this time it would be real… Because this time I… I know what I want… did that make any sense?"

Tara thought about it for a moment before replying, "I won't play second runner-up to your untouchable dream girl, Willow."

"That's not what I meant, Tara," groaned Willow, deflated. "The girl in high school was a fantasy. But with you I see a reality… and it's something that I want to…"

"Try out?" Tara finished. She hated herself for her brutal tone, but she couldn't seem to stop it from coming out. She had been hurt too many times and she cared for Willow too much to allow herself to be hurt again.

"No," Willow said emphatically, "Not 'try'… be."

"Willow, you can't just choo… I mean, I know a lot of people say that it's a choice, but it's really not."

"But, it is, Tara," Willow countered. "The choice isn't whether you are or aren't. It's whether you do or don't…. I'm choosing to do. Because… because I… I…" Willow had to stop for a moment. It was so incredibly terrifying. Tears started to fall down her pale cheeks as she sought out the strength to finish her sentence. "Because I think I am. But I'm not completely sure because… I was raised to understand that it was always 'boys and girls', you know? And I don't know how to be any other way… and I need to. I need to know."

Willow looked up at Tara through shiny, tear-filled eyes. Tara couldn't take it anymore. The silent crush she had harbored for the slender Wiccan screamed at her to take action. Wasn't this been the moment she had been waiting for? Dreaming about? Was it worth risking their friendship over?

There was only one way to find out.

Tara scooted over to where Willow had begun to huddle up into a ball, her knees to her chest. Tara gently placed her left hand on Willow's knees, pushing them down and out of the way. With her right hand she softly took the redhead's cheek into her palm, wiping away tears with her thumb. Tara leaned in, slowly, carefully, her heart slamming around inside of her chest. She could swear that she heard Willow's heart doing the same.

Their lips met, hesitantly at first, but gradually with more force as they began to melt into one another. The electricity between them arced ice-blue as Willow raised her hands and cupped Tara's face, pulling her closer. Long moments passed as they drank in each other's essence. Finally they parted, stealing a few light pecks before sitting back and staring at each other.

"Well," said Willow, pausing to catch her breath, "I guess that answers that question." She smiled a broadly at the blonde. Tara smiled her half-smile in return.

"So," spoke Tara, "What do you want to do now?"

Willow's smile turned into a grin as her eyebrows crept up to her hairline. She had a pretty good idea.

The End

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