The Dark Rose

By darkmagickwillow

Copyright © May 2003

Chapter 7 (She is the Darkness)

Willow was lying on top of Tara on the cold floor of the sewer. The dank sewer and the vampire that had been chasing them didn't matter. Nothing mattered but the blue eyes she was looking into. They were about to kiss. Then she heard the sound of the crystal being smashed.

Tara shoved Willow away as her memories returned with the breaking of the spell, the spell that Willow had cast. Willow saw the expression of pain and sorrow on her lover's face and knew with the return of her own memories that it was her fault. Tara knew that Willow had tried to change her again with magic, breaking the promise that she had made just this morning.

If only she hadn't cast the tabula rasa spell, but she had been so afraid that if they argued, Tara would leave her. Somehow deep down she had always been afraid of that. Their first argument had been the end of the world--Tara had gone to the fair without her and Glory had sucked her mind. She just couldn't bear to have another one as she was so afraid something terrible would happen again.

Magic had seemed like a perfect solution--it worked for everything else in her life, didn't it? Now, nothing was working. Her fear had cost her the very thing she was desperately trying to keep.

Their surroundings shifted and they were no longer in the sewers beneath the magic shop. They were in their room, but Tara was packing her clothes and it wasn't going to be their room any more. Willow pleaded with her, but Tara couldn't trust her now.

As Tara left, Willow slumped down against the wall, her eyes downcast. She was lost in despair, completely out of ideas to bring Tara back. Magic had failed her, but it was all she had left, wasn't it? She looked around the room, hers alone now, and it seemed empty, bereft of all that had given it love and meaning. They had been so happy here all summer even with the burden of Buffy's death and now she had nothing left.

Willow felt the scene shifting again and fought against what she knew was next, what always happened next in her nightmare. She didn't want to see Tara in this room again because she knew what would happen. It would be better if she didn't come back as long as she avoided what happened this day. But she couldn't stop the dream.

Now Tara was standing before her again, smiling, beautiful in her long-sleeved blue shirt and jeans. Her hair was long again, framing that wonderful smile. Willow tried to shout, to warn Tara to get away from the window, but she couldn't speak, couldn't move. She was trapped in that fatal moment of time. The sound of gunshots rang from the yard below. Then that small hole appeared in Tara's chest and she said the same two words she always did as the blood splattered Willow's white shirt.

Willow screamed, "Noooo!" as she bolted awake. She paused a moment, panting and sweating from the exertion of attempting to warn Tara in her dream, and looked around the room. It was trashed, as always, the bedside table in splinters and her cheap alarm clocked smashed into tiny fragments. Her leathers were unharmed because of their layers of protective enchantments though they were scattered around the room. Even if she couldn't move or speak in her dream, her mind could wreck the room in an attempt to do the impossible by changing the past. She'd learned to not keep anything of value in her bedroom long ago.

She sighed, her breathing gradually slowing. Willow had had the nightmare so many times, but this was the first time since she had returned to Sunnydale. They seemed worse here though. Angelus's mansion had seemed like the perfect place for her to stay in Sunnydale, but in the middle of the night it felt far too big and echoingly empty, haunted by the ghosts of her past.

The nightmares had begun the night she left Sunnydale, and she hadn't had a week without them since. She had tried staying awake with the assistance of magic, but even so she couldn't stay up forever and when she went to sleep; the nightmares were all the more intense as if making up for lost time. Maybe it was the events of yesterday. The weather spell had scared her; someone who could do that was not a run of the mill master vampire.

Willow reminded herself that she was seeing Tara tonight, that Tara was alive and well. Her breathing finally returned to its normal rhythm. What she hadn't been able to accomplish, fate had. They had a second chance at life and love and this time Willow promised herself, she was going to do everything right.

Tara found Willow sitting on top of the same crypt as the previous night, moonlight reflecting off her copper tresses as she turned her head towards Tara. Her eyes were still hidden behind the polarized lenses of her sunglasses. Tara decided that she could accept sunglasses after dark as a quirky trait. She felt so happy when she was near Willow. A little quirkiness was not a problem.

Once Tara was settled at the top, she asked Willow, "Do you come up here for the view?"

"The view is great for spotting vampires and demons," Willow answered. "One summer, I..." She trailed off, wondering how much to tell Tara about their past life.

Tara cocked her head, looking for Willow to finish her sentence. "One summer you did what?" she finally asked. She hoped Willow would be willing to trust her, to let her into the world hidden behind those glasses. They had experienced so much in a few short moments together, but Willow was still a mystery to her.

Willow thought for a moment and decided that this story was probably safe for Tara to hear. "My friends and I patrolled like you do with Spirit except we didn't have a vampire slayer," she said. "I coordinated everything from the top of one of the crypts so that we attacked the vampires with surprise on our side instead of theirs which helped us follow our mission statement."

"You had a mission statement?" Tara asked with a laugh. "What was it?" Tara amusedly thought for a moment about telling Mr. Giles that they needed a mission statement. She didn't think he would be too keen on that idea. Mr. Giles was always kind but he was also deadly serious when it came to the slaying.

"The most important part was 'Don't get killed'," Willow said. She almost smiled but remembered that someone had been killed, more than one person if she counted Buffy. She wondered for the first time in years whether her other friends were still alive. They had been so close at one time.

"That's an important part of the mission," Tara said gravely after noticing the seriousness with which Willow finished her statement. Then she had a thought, "Wait a minute, wouldn't the vampires hear you?"

Willow shook her head, answering distractedly, "No, I spoke to my friends in their minds so they couldn't hear. I could hear their answers when they thought back to me, but they had a difficult time with the whole non-vocalization concept." She was still musing about the past when Tara interrupted her thoughts again.

"Oh," Tara said. "That's a good idea, but I don't know how to do that." She wondered how it would feel to have someone speak in your mind. Would they experience the same connection they felt while casting?

Willow's thoughts returned to the present. "I could show you now," she offered. "If you're interested."

"You could?" Tara said with a look of surprise. "Wouldn't it take a lot of practice?"

"No," Willow said. "I would have to enter your mind and show you how it feels to speak mentally. That would get you around the difficult part--learning to use a part of your mind that you've never used before. It takes many attempts for most people to find their way to that part of the mind, but if I show it to you directly then you'll be over the big hurdle immediately." She paused a moment before continuing, "That's the good part. There are some drawbacks. I won't be able to read any of your deep feelings or memories, but anything on the surface of your mind would be exposed. If you decide to do this, you'll need to clear your mind of anything you don't want me to see."

Tara was excited by the chance to work magic with Willow again. She only half listened to Willow's warnings, remembering instead how Willow had wrapped her in her cloak and held her close last night. She could trust Willow. "Let's do it," Tara said.

"First, let's do a simple test to be sure you can hear me," Willow said then thought to Tara, Can you hear me?

Willow's mental contact was gentle, the words feeling like a soft whisper in Tara's mind. Behind the simple question, Tara felt a surprising amount of warmth and affection with undertones of complex emotions that she couldn't quite read. As Tara started to tune into those deeper feelings, she suddenly realized that she needed to answer Willow and thought back to her, Yes, I can hear you..

"Good," Willow said audibly. "I can hear your thoughts too. Now you need to clear your mind. When you're ready, tell me, and I'll go into your mind and show you how to project as well as receive thoughts." She thought how Tara's mind felt so much like that of the Tara she remembered but more innocent. This Tara hadn't had an abusive family to drive her to hide herself so deeply from the world. She hadn't had years on the Hellmouth ... and she hadn't had Willow. Willow suddenly wondered if she had a right to trouble such a good and innocent spirit with her company.

Willow watched as Tara closed her eyes and let her thoughts go with practiced ease. As she gazed into the serenity of Tara's face, Willow thought about how beautiful she was, and started to raise a hand to tenderly caress the softness of Tara's cheek before being startled by Tara's "I'm ready." She quickly pulled her hand away, hoping that Tara wouldn't notice.

She reached into Tara's mind, finding it open and receptive to her. Willow thought to Tara, I'm here. Feel carefully what I'm doing now then try to do the same thing yourself.

Tara felt an odd sensation in her head, like a tickling in a place that she had never been aware of until now. She tried finding that part of her mind, feeling like a blind person in her own head. Finally, she thought she had it and tried to think back to Willow, Can you hear this?

Yes, you're good, Willow thought back with surprise. I thought we'd have to try this a couple of times.

It's because you're a good teacher!, Tara thought happily back to Willow, elated with her success.

Forgetting that she was still in Tara's mind, Willow wondered if that was the reason or whether the soul could remember how to do magic from a past life. People frequently pursued the same careers and hobbies as they had in past lives, often with more skill than would be expected from someone learning for the first time. Perhaps it was the same with magic.

I don't know, Tara responded to Willow's unspoken thoughts. Why did that thought come to mind?

I forgot I was still here, Willow thought, feeling embarrassed. I was wondering how you were able to learn to mindspeak so quickly. Let me withdraw from your mind before we share too much.

Okay, Tara responded, her disappointment coming through clearly over their mental link.

Willow gently withdrew from Tara's mind, mourning the loss of the intimate contact, but knowing that it was for the best. "Don't be disappointed," she said. "Direct mental contact may seem to be the easy way to get to know someone, but it's best to do it the normal way."

Willow knew from hard experience that magic was not the way to solve problems in a relationship, but that didn't make the thought of sharing her memories of their past together any less tempting. It wouldn't work though. Even if Tara had all of Willow's memories of Tara, she wouldn't have her own memories of being Tara in the past. It wasn't the same, and it would be so confusing for her.

"That's what I was taught, but it seems so much better," Tara said. "I mean, you can't lie when you mindspeak, right?" She wanted this contact with Willow so badly. Why couldn't it be this easy?

"That's true, but there's more to truth than not lying," Willow said. She understood her words all too well as she had to avoid telling Tara the whole truth in every conversation that they had. She felt guilty, but what other choice did she have? "You can't lie, but you learn things about the other person without the context that makes them meaningful. If you don't have a strong basis for a relationship to begin with, you're likely to end up more confused than enlightened if you engage in too much mental contact."

Willow completely understood the temptation that Tara was experiencing to create a relationship too quickly as she felt it herself. She had spent 19 years waiting to have Tara back, but every minute they spent talking but not yet really together felt just as long as that entire span. It took all her strength to resist that temptation. She had to do everything right this time. There wouldn't be a third chance. She hoped Tara would understand.

Tara thought for a moment then nodded as she understood what Willow was saying. "That makes sense," she said. "And thank you." She smiled at Willow as she changed subjects, returning to the first part of their conversation by asking, "So you used to live in Sunnydale?"

Willow carefully watched Tara's face and saw that she did understand. She sighed inwardly, glad that she hadn't hurt Tara, then answered Tara's question, "I did."

"Why did you leave?" Tara asked.

Willow knew that this could be a dangerous line of questioning, especially as she had discovered that Giles was the new slayer's watcher. She couldn't lie to Tara, but she could evade the question. She gestured around her, "You spend your nights in a cemetery hunting vampires and you have to ask me that?"

Tara smiled wryly. "There are some disadvantages," she admitted. "But then why did you return?"

"I came here to find someone," Willow answered evasively. That much was the truth, but she couldn't admit to Tara who she had come to find.

"Have you found them?" Tara asked.

Willow couldn't just answer "Yes, I found you." Anyway, she'd never expected to find this Tara. "I'm getting closer," Willow said. "But not yet." As she said it, she realized that was the precise truth--she was getting closer to Tara but she was still a long way from the relationship they'd once had. Willow attempted to turn the conversation away from her quest by asking, "What brought you to Sunnydale?"

"I'm an art student at the university," Tara said. She wanted to know more about who Willow was looking for and why, but she respected Willow's desire to not go into more detail.

"So the Hellmouth came as a surprise?" Willow asked.

"It did," Tara said, unsurprised that someone like Willow knew about the Hellmouth. "Like I mentioned last night, I was out walking one night when I met my first vampire. I was able to distract it with a light spell but I still might have been in trouble if Spirit hadn't come along and staked it."

"That's a little better than my first experience with a vampire," Willow confessed. "I was still in high school and hadn't discovered magic yet." She shook her head, "I was so young and stupid. I thought I was being adventurous, meeting a new boy and taking a shortcut through the graveyard."

Tara's face fell at Willow's mention of a boy. "Then what happened?" Tara asked, trying to cover her disappointment.

"That's when Bu..." Willow trailed off, unable to say Buffy's name. She paused for a moment before continuing. "The vampire slayer came along and saved me," she finished.

Tara wondered how much darkness Willow had seen and about what had been so terrible that she had decided to hide her face from the world, but she knew she couldn't ask Willow those questions. Not yet, at least. Willow was right. You had to become friends step by step even if the slowness of the pace was frustrating.

She also wondered what name Willow had been about to say. Buffy had been Mr. Giles's previous slayer. Could Willow have known her? But that would mean that Willow was much older than herself, and she certainly didn't look like she was.

Willow cocked her head at the distant but approaching sound of rumbling engines. She stood up, looking in the direction that the rumble was coming from.

Tara was surprised at Willow's sudden motion, but then heard the sound approaching them too. She stood up quickly and asked, "What is it?"

"Bikers, probably demons," Willow answered. As she finished, the first two demons drove into view on their motorcycles. She remembered the last time that she'd met such demons. It had been the night she brought Buffy back from the dead and she remembered what they'd said to her and Tara. This time she wasn't going to run from them. They were going to run from her, that is, if any of them lived long enough.

"Too many demons," Tara said in a worried tone as more continued driving into view. Willow put her hand on Tara's shoulder, urging her down, as the two demons in the front of the pack pointed at the two of them standing atop the crypt.

"Get down behind me, Tara!" Willow shouted as she extended her arms, preparing her first spell. Hatred and anger surged through her, pulling in dark magic from the cemetery around them. How could these creatures dare to threaten them again?

Tara watched in shock as streams of intertwined black and silver energies erupted from Willow's extended hands and struck the two lead bikers, smashing them off their bikes into the ground where their smoking bodies lay unmoving. Then she finally had the presence of mind to kneel behind Willow so she was no longer presenting an exposed target to the oncoming demon horde.

Willow felt the familiar rush of dark power flowing through her. It was so easy to call on the darkness here. The nights of Sunnydale were filled with unnatural creatures causing pain and death, each act of harm swelling the already powerful streams of dark magicks that flowed from the Hellmouth. But this time the thrill of destroying her opponents with her magic was muted by her recent experience of casting a spell with Tara.

There was no more time to reflect on her feelings as the remaining demons continued to race towards them, ignoring their fallen comrades. She began her next spell, chanting:

"Nightcrawler, deep dweller, rise and feed, fill your need, come and devour, my foes this hour."

As she finished the chanting, dozens of foot-thick black tentacles erupted from the ground in the middle of the demon gang. The rubbery tentacles easily yanked demons off their motorcycles, holding them fast with their huge suckers. The forest of thrashing tentacles disrupted their advance towards Willow and Tara. Some more fortunate demons on the edge of the spell weren't affected, but only three of the monsters were still approaching Willow.

The Hellmouth shone like a dark moon to her black eyes as she drew from the endless streams of dark magicks that escaped from it even in its currently closed condition. Green and silvery rivulets of light magicks glowed softly for her eyes too, but few of those streams flowed through the cemetery and those that did were weak indeed compared to the many torrents of darkness that screamed with destructive power.

Willow drew on every stream of power that she could reach, uncaring whether they were dark or light. Evil voices whispered in Willow's mind from behind the seal that held the Hellmouth closed, urging her to accept their power to destroy her enemies, to kill everyone she hated. They couldn't come through on their own, but if she called on them, they would use her as a gateway into this world.

Willow had listened to them once and accepted their dark gifts. She had almost destroyed the world in doing so. She wouldn't use their power again, but they always called to her when she summoned the dark magicks with as much as anger and hatred as she felt now. Willow ignored their entreaties, knowing she didn't need their help with its hidden price. She could command enough power of her own to destroy these demons. Anyway, when she wanted something from a dark force, she used coercion rather than bargaining.

Tara was aghast at the dark power Willow exhibited. She had tried dark magic herself once and the consequences had been horrifying, but that was nothing compared the magicks Willow was effortlessly invoking now. There was no sign of the ordinary girl she'd seen atop the crypt earlier this evening. Instead, there was a terrifyingly powerful dark witch who was destroying a horde of demons with apalling ease. She watched, unable to turn away, as the slimy, black tentacles constricted around their prey, cracking bones as they crushed the life out of the hapless demons.

Willow brought her left hand in to her chest, clenching her hand into a fist, as she threw her right hand forward, spreading her fingers open in a violent motion. The demon on her left clutched its chest with both hands and fell to the ground, while the one on the right collapsed immediately as its head exploded open in a fountain of gore. Only the middle demon was left. As it began to flee, Willow hacked her hand savagely across her body, ripping its chest open as if it had been slashed by a huge blade. It fell to its knees and expired messily.

She hated them and knew that her hatred was righteous. The demons deserved to die for threatening Tara again, but where there had only been a relentless determination to restore Tara, sustained by a memory of love and a deep reserve of anger and hate, softer feelings were emerging and she no longer had such a great need to destroy. As Willow reflected on her feelings, black tentacles greedily pulled their howling prey under the ground where the Nightcrawler's hideous subterranean mouth waited to consume them. Willow sighed and surveyed the cemetery for more targets. However she felt, she had to destroy them.

Tara clutched her stomach with one hand while she watched the carnage. There had to be a better solution than this, but the terrible thing was that it was working--the few demons who weren't caught already dead or captured by the horrible tentacles were fleeing now.

Willow raised an arm and blasted one fleeing demon with a searing bolt of mottled silver and black power, then turned to destroy another when she felt Tara's hand pulling at her other arm. She turned to see Tara who was looking at her like she'd turned into a demon herself. Willow suddenly realized what a mistake she had made. Tara had never seen her like this, in this life or before, but what else could she have done?

"Stop!" Tara shouted, pulling at Willow's arm. "Just stop it!"

Accepting Tara's request with the sick feeling that it was too late to remedy the situation, Willow made oddly smooth waving gestures with her other arm and chanted:

"Nightcrawler, dark power, descend and sleep, dormant and deep."

The terrible black tentacles obediently slithered under the ground, pulling the remaining demonic corpses down with them and leaving the cemetery almost undisturbed except for what looked like a terrible traffic accident involving several dozen motorcycles.

"Are you okay?" Willow asked, turning back to Tara.

"Am I okay?" Tara almost screamed at Willow. "You just destroyed them like they were nothing."

"They were demons, Tara," Willow said, her voice too calm as her body filled with the cold fear that Tara would leave her over what had just happened. "What should I have done?" There wasn't any alternative to killing them, was there?

"You shouldn't have used dark magic," Tara said. "We could have done something."

"Not fast enough," Willow said, shaking her head. "I've seen these creatures at work before. The Nightcrawler is horrifying and dangerous, but it's also fast and deadly." Despite her words, doubts assailed her. Was Tara right, could they have worked together to stop the demons?

"What about the lightning and the thing with your arm?" Tara said, mimicking the chopping motion Willow had made with her arm to slice open a demon.

"Energy control and telekinesis aren't dark in themselves. I was trying to protect us," Willow said. "Believe me, you don't want to know what they would have done to us if they had caught us."

"But isn't using magic to kill still dark?" Tara challenged her.

"Yes, it is," Willow admitted unwillingly. "Even when you use your mind to stake a vampire, there's a little bit of darkness in that act. Killing can change you, even when you're killing a creature of unredeemable evil. You have to be strong to resist that."

Tara felt sudden doubts about her own use of magic. Was it right to use it to destroy vampires? She pushed her doubts down, reminding herself that she wasn't the one who had just destroyed a gang of demons with dark magic, and challenged Willow again, "Are you that strong?"

Willow looked down, thinking for a moment, and finally said, "No."

Tara's anger evaporated as she heard Willow's answer. It wasn't at all what she had expected to hear. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't be attacking you. I..."

"No, I'm the one who should be sorry," Willow interrupted. "I should have found another way to stop them than the Nightcrawler spell. I was just too afraid to do anything less."

Tara's eyes widened in surprise at Willow's admission. "You were scared? But why?" she asked.

"For you," Willow answered softly,

Tara turned over again, rearranging her pillow in an attempt to be more comfortable so she could finally get to sleep. Willow had insisted on walking her home, saying that more demons might be around. They hadn't talked much on the way to Tara's dorm as they both reflected on the events of the evening.

Everything had been wonderful last night until the demons came. Willow had destroyed them, sending dark lightning from her fingertips like it was the most natural thing in the world and bringing up that horrible creature from beneath the ground. She had never imagined such terrible power in a real person. Willow tonight had been like a dark figure out of legend.

Then Willow said that she had done that because she was afraid for Tara. She had tried dark magic herself once when she was in extremis so how could she blame Willow? But no one attained the level of proficiency Willow demonstrated last night without a great deal of practice. This clearly was not the first time Willow had used dark magic. What was she to think? Her mother had taught her that dark magic was evil, but she'd been less clear on why it was wrong. How could Willow be evil when Tara felt so drawn to her? She had even dreamed about her before she met her.

It was like there were two Willows. There was the shy gentle girl from her dreams who worked magic with her and talked to her like they were two normal girls, and there was the dark witch she'd met tonight who she suspected reveled in destroying those demons. Which was the real Willow? Could she accept a friend like that dark witch, even one who used that power for her?

Actually, it was worse if all that had been done for her because that made her somehow responsible. Willow's mind had been full of such warmth and affection for her, and she had had a glimpse of what she thought was more than simple affection under the surface. Could someone who felt that way be truly dark?

She suspected that Willow was right about needing to do something quickly with the demons. Tara knew she didn't have the power to stop that many demons at once, and she and Willow couldn't have outrun their motorcycles. Even if they could have escaped, a gang of demons like that could have destroyed the town. Somebody had to stop them before they hurt innocent people. Why did it bother her that Willow was the person who stopped them?

Tara wasn't envious of Willow's ability to do magic. She liked helping Spirit do her job, but she wasn't interested in becoming a master of combat magic. She wanted the feeling of joining her magic with a partner, but was Willow the right partner for her? Despite all that had happened tonight, she was still drawn to Willow. The way they had meshed to bring the sunlight had been amazingly wonderful. How could it work like that if Willow was all wrong for her?

Tara sighed as she rearranged her pillow again, still trying to make it more comfortable. She didn't think she was going to get much sleep tonight and she doubted whether she'd find any easy answers to her questions.

Continued...