The Hurt Series

by Buffy Writer

Copyright (c) 2011

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, I do this purely for fun.
Distribution: Just ask.
The Mystic Muse:
Spoilers: Everything.
Feedback: Please, good or bad, I like to hear both.
Author's Notes: (1) I'll be using lines from songs in this fic throughout so I'll post title and singer/bad at the end of each chapter, all credit to the artist. (2) I will be using lines from the show, all props to the writers, they own their stuff yada yada yada.
Pairing: Buffy/Willow
Summary: Season 7 song fic. During Willow's rehab in England, she and Buffy express their emotions via letters and lyrics.

Chapter 1: Hurt

Willow was sitting under the old oak tree, watching as the wind swayed the branches.

England was nothing, if not windy.

Picking up her mp3 player, she flicked through the songs, before one caught her eye.

Sitting back, she let the soothing tones of Jonny Cash flow through her.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

How many times had Willow thought about doing that to herself? Too many to count. The only thing that was stopping her, was the look she remembered seeing on Buffy's face when Dawn had done it.

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

God did she wish she could forget, forget the look on their faces as she tore the skin from Warren, forget the look on Buffy's face.

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end

Some mornings, she couldn't even look at herself in the mirror. All she saw staring back at her, was the woman she had become, the person who hurt her friends, her hurt the girl she loved.

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

And she did. She had hurt Dawn, Xander, Anya, Giles, Tara - though that was a while ago, and she had hurt Buffy. Her best friend. Her hero. The woman she was in love with. All because of the magic.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Why hadn't she taken Buffy's advice and stopped altogether? Things would be so different now. She would still have her friends. She would still have Buffy.

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Would things ever go back to the way they were? Willow hoped so. Even if Buffy never knew how she really felt, Willow needed the Slayer in her life.

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

And she would. If she could do it over, she would be careful, she would let Giles instruct her on magic, and not go off all Willy Nilly.

She would be the Willow she wanted to be, the one that Buffy had befriended all those years ago.

She would be that Willow again.

If she had to claw her way back, she would.

Because that Willow had her friends.

That Willow had Buffy.

Note: The quoted song is by Jonny Cash and is called "Hurt."

Chapter 2: The Letter

Buffy stared at the piece of paper before her, knowing what she wanted to say, but not knowing how.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and started writing.

Hey Wills,

I wanted to call you, but Giles insisted that we weren't allowed to talk to you just yet. When I threatened to go to England, he let me write you this letter.

There is so much I want to tell you, so much I need to tell you, and I promise, that as soon as yet get home, I will. I've waited long enough, I suppose I can wait a few months. You know me, I've never really been an 'express yourself emotionally' kind of person.

I know that right now you are hurting I know how it feels to have someone you love taken away from you, and I'm not talking about my misspent youth here.

Giles told us that we shouldn't mention the whole killing Warren thing, but I figure since he isn't going to be reading this, I can slip one thing in.

I want you to know, that if I had been in you're shoes, I would have done exactly the same thing, only without the magic, 'cause hey, Slayer here.

Being the Slayer doesn't make me Judge, Jury and Executioner, but I would have made the exception.

I just didn't want to lose you Will, and you have no idea right now how scared I am that I will.

Everyone misses you, even Anya. Giles thinks that you should be back in three months tops, and if you aren't I'm going to be wondering why, and maybe hopping a plane back to the mother country to drag your ass home.

I'm looking after her grave for you, making sure no nasties mess with it, I figured it was the least I could do.

I'm sorry Willow, you have no idea how much. I know how much you loved Tara.

I don't think I got the chance to thank you for saving me did I? I am you know, grateful that is, and I know Dawn is waiting to give you a big hug for it.

I miss you Will, come soon.

All my love,

Buffy set down her pen, and sighed re-reading what she had wrote.

Wiping a tear away, she grabbed an envelope and sealed the letter shut, writing Willow's name on the back of it.

Standing, she made her way into the kitchen, where Giles was having a last minute cup of tea before he had to teleport back to England.

Anya had popped over to see him and insisted he come back to see how the new Magic Box looked.

Thank god for Anya being a demon again, which is not something Buffy ever thought she would think.

"Here Giles."

Giles took the letter and put it into his pocket.

"Tell her I miss her too Giles." Dawn spoke up before going back to her cereal.

He smiled, and jumped when Anya appeared beside him.

"Ready? Good," She didn't give him a chance to say anything and off they were, Buffy's tea cup still in Giles hand.

Buffy smiled and sat down to eat her own breakfast, happy that Giles would give Willow her letter.

Chapter 3: The Letter, Take Two

Willow sat under the oak tree she had taken as her own, and re-read Buffy's letter.

She smiled softly, thinking of the Slayer turning up and demanding the Coven to be allowed to see her.

And she would do it too, Willow was sure of it.

Taking out a piece of paper, she stared at it, wondering what to write back to Buffy. There was so much she wanted to tell her.

Putting her pen between her lips, she thought for a few moments before writing.

Hey Buffy,

You have no idea how happy I was to hear from you. Giles gave me the letter right away, mumbling something about persistent Slayers before going to sleep for a while.

I guess the teleporting isn't agreeing with him to well huh?

I miss you, Buff.

I could never put into words how sorry I am for what I did to you, to Xander, and to Dawn.

Warren, I wont apologise for.

I never meant to hurt any of you, but the power got too much, and I was too weak to stop myself.

I would have understood if you had hated me for it, and to be truthful, I think you do a little.

I can still see the look on Dawn's face as clear as day, when I told her what I was going to do to her.

I hate myself. I don't want to be that person ever again.

How is everyone back in Sunnydale? I haven't spoken to my parents yet, they still think I'm away on a school trip. I couldn't tell them the truth, I didn't even tell them about Tara, they only ever met her the once.

Thank you for looking after her grave, I'm sorry I wasn't able to help with the funeral but Giles insisted, and I agreed, that I leave as soon as possible.

I don't know how long I'll have to stay here, until I'm... better I guess. Giles says it shouldn't be too long, so I can still start college, even if I am a little late.

I miss you, so much, but I don't want to take the chance that I could come back, and hurt you all again.

I get it now you know. Not fully, but I understand it a little better. You live with this power inside you everyday, but you control it, you don't let it control you.

I wasn't that strong. I let the power of magic rule me, and I made my friends suffer. Until I can learn how to control this power, I'm a danger to everyone, and I don't want to be.

I have to go now, I have another lesson. I'm afraid I have to post this letter, I don't think Giles is up to any more teleporting just now.

I love you, I miss you.

Give my love to everyone there, and when Giles says its okay, I'll ring you guys.


Chapter 4: Fix You

Buffy sat down with her coffee in front of her as she checked through the mail.

When she spotted the England postage mark, she threw the other letters on the counter before grabbing her coffee and taking the letter upstairs, where she could read it without being interrupted.


Buffy sighed as she re-read the letter for the fifth time before reaching over to turn on the radio.

Some old rock song was just coming to a close, and she was about to switch the station, when she heard the familiar notes of a song start.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

Man, that's how she had felt when she was first brought back, when she had tried so hard to self destruct.

When she had turned to Spike.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Had she lost Willow? From the sounds of her letter, the redhead was slowly learning to be herself again, and for that Buffy was grateful.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

She couldn't fix Willow, only Willow could. Buffy had thought that towards the end of last year that she and Willow were getting back to how they were.

Then Warren happened, and she'd had to fight her best friend. She wondered if Willow realised she had held back. She knew why, and she felt guilty for it.

She hadn't held back when it had been Angel, Angelus, she had been fighting, she went all out in the end, even sent Angel to hell.

Buffy had never been more glad to have Xander. She hated to think of what would have happened had he not saved the day.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

But she would Buffy vowed. As soon as she felt she could, Buffy was going to make sure her best friend knew exactly how she felt about her.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

All she needed was for Willow to come home first.

Note: The quoted song is by ColdPlay and is called "Fix You."

Chapter 5: Sonnet

Buffy rushed out to get the mail before the poor man had even gotten it fully out of his bag, just as she had for the past three months.

As had become the usual, he handed her the only thing she was interested in, a letter with an English postmark.

"Thanks Bobby."

He smiled and tipped his hat to her.

Buffy grinned at his old fashioned ways before going back into the house to read her letter.

She and Willow had been communicating through words, a new thing for the slayer.

She knew her best friend more from reading her words, than in seven years of being together almost everyday.

Sitting down on her bed, Buffy carefully broke the seal of the envelope and removed her prize.

When she opened it, she frowned. If she was reading it right, Willow had sent her song lyrics.

That was it, that was all there was. Not even a 'how's the weather', just song lyrics.

Throwing the letter of the bed, the blonde let out an annoyed sigh before getting out of bed and going over to her radio.

"I send her a three page letter, and she sends me..." Buffy turned back to the bed and grabbed the letter up, quickly scanning the words, recognising them immediately.

Laughing, she hurried to her CDs, having to hunt for the right one. When she found it, she yipped before putting it on and selecting the right track.

My friend and me
Looking through her red box of memories
Faded I'm sure
But love seems to stick in her veins you know

Spike once told her that everything came down to blood, and even though she hated to admit it, he was usually right.

Yes, there's love if you want it
Don't sound like no sonnet, my lord
Yes, there's love if you want it
Don't sound like no sonnet, my lord
My lord

Why can't you see
That nature has its way of warning me
Eyes open wide
Looking at the heavens with a tear in my eye

Buffy's own eyes welled up as she thought of loved ones they had lost, mothers, friends and lovers.

Yes, there's love if you want it
Don't sound like no sonnet, my lord
Yes, there's love if you want it
Don't sound like no sonnet, my lord
My lord

Sinking fast within a boat without a hull
My lord
Dreaming about the day when I can see you there
My side
By my side

Here we go again and my head is gone, my lord
I stop to say hello
'Cause I think you should know by now
By now
By now
By now
By now
By now
Oh, by now
Oh, by now
Oh, by now
Oh, by now

Buffy sighed when the song finished. She was about to hit repeat, when a noise by the door caught her attention.

"Well Buff, do you know by now?"

Buffy didn't see the smile that covered her face, but the returned Wicca did, and it made her heart light.

Note: The quoted song is by The Verve and is called "Sonnet."

The End (for now)

The sequel, "From the Last to the First" coming soon...

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