I'm Still Here

By Annabella

Copyright © 2003

anna09@yahoo.com

Faith sat impatiently in the examination room waiting for the doctor to return. She felt vulnerable in the small paper gown which left her backside susceptible to random drafts of cold air. The jail hospital was dark and grungy, just like the rest of the place. It lacked that feeling of sterilization found in regular hospitals. And although it didn't have the metal bars Faith had become accustomed to, she still felt trapped in the small room.

"Faith," the doctor said as she walked in, her eyes focused on the clipboard, "I think we finally know what's going on."

Faith had been feeling weak and tired lately, but had decided not to make an issue of it. She assumed she was just the nagging need to get out of confinement that was causing the feelings of lethargy. That was until she passed out in the library, while studying for her GED test.

"That's great doc. Can you hurry this up, it's chocolate pudding night in the cafeteria, and that's about all I got going for me right now."

The doctor weakly smiled at Faith's humor, but the dark haired girl could see sympathy in the woman's face.

'Oh God,' she thought, 'this can't be good.'

"We've done extensive testing in the past few days. And I hate to tell you this Faith, but we've found a hole in your heart."

Faith's expression didn't change. "And that means…" she said stoically.

"You don't have much time left. It really is amazing that you haven't died from this yet. Usually people with this condition don't make it past the age of 17."

'17, the age I became a Slayer,' she thought to herself.

"I'm so sorry Faith, I really am. I wish we had some alternatives or…"

"Ok, not much time left, I got it."

"We would like to start you out on some medications that will help you with the pain."

"No."

"What?" the doctor asked, mildly shocked.

"I said "no". What? You got some kind of hearing problem? No meds, nothing. If I'm going out, then I'm going out. None of that is going to stop it."

The doctor silently acknowledged Faith's decision.

"I'm so sorry," the doctor said as she turned and left the room.

Faith quickly put her jumpsuit back on and headed down to the guard station.

"I need a phone call."

Angel sat patiently in front of the glass of the visiting room. He had received a call from Faith earlier that day telling him she needed to see him immediately. Apparently it was some kind of emergency.

He looked to his left when he heard the buzz of the door opening. He saw Faith enter, and sit down across from him. She looked drained. The girl had bags under her eyes, and he'd never seen her skin so pale.

"Faith, what's wrong."

Expressionless, Faith answered, "I need out. Now."

"No problem Faith. You care to tell me why?"

The Slayer looked away from Angel. She leaned her elbow in the table and held the bridge of her nose between two fingers. "I'm dying," she said without looking up.

Angel couldn't believe it. An expression of shock crossed his features, but he quickly covered it up. Faith was dying. It didn't seem right to him. She was on her path, trying to redeem herself. He silently cursed his own immortality.

"Consider it done."

Faith looked up into the vampire's eyes. "Thanks," she said, coming out more as a sigh. Angel could see that her eyes had glazed over with tears, but she was trying to fight them back.

"What are you going to do?"

Faith brought a hand up to stop a tear from running down her face.

"I need to see Buffy."

"Welcome to Sunnydale," a woman said to Faith as she stepped off the bus. The dark-haired girl wanted to laugh at the woman's ultraconservative attire.

"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior," the woman asked Faith with a large smile.

She was going to say something mean, and perhaps cruel. But she didn't. She took the woman's neon green flyer, stuck it in her back pocket, and walked away.

Faith walked over to a cab, and got into the backseat.

"Where you goin' Miss?"

"Rodello Drive."

Faith stood on the front steps of Buffy's house. She'd been there for about a half and hour, and was no closer to ringing the doorbell. She knew the blonde was expecting her. She had asked Angel to call her and warn Buffy of her arrival. The last thing she wanted was a chick fight on other Slayer's front lawn.

Finally Faith relented, and moved to Buffy's door. She brought her hand up to knock, but the door was open before she could.

"I thought maybe you were going to stay out there all day," Buffy said, a smirk on her face.

All Faith could do was smile at the blonde. "Good to see you B."

"Likewise."

Buffy opened the door wider, motioning for Faith to come in.

When Faith crossed the threshold of the Summers' house, she was almost physically knocked back with memories. All the times she'd been there, good and bad, seemed to be happening in her had as if it was only yesterday.

"Are you there Faith," Buffy asked.

Faith shook her head as if she was coming out of some kind of dream. "Yeah B, sorry, right here with ya."

"Do you need anything? Food, drink, tofu…"

Faith made a face at the mention of the health food product.

Buffy shook her head, "Don't start with me. I live with two Wiccas. We eat 'New Age' for breakfast. Literally."

"Actually, I could go for a little food. But some manufactured soy isn't too high on my list."

"No problem, we'll go out."

"Maybe we could go for tea," Faith said as she opened the door.

"Everyone's a comedian," Buffy replied as she followed the dark haired girl out of the door.

The air was full of tension as Buffy and Faith walked through the cemetery. Dinner was awkward, to say the least. It was complete small talk, mostly on Buffy's part. And Faith could tell the blonde was only talking because the silence was making her uncomfortable. Now the two Slayers walked side by side, each wrapped up in their own thoughts.

"So how's Angel doing?" Buffy asked.

Faith was hesitant to answer the question. She knew it was a sore spot. "He's good, you know, all broody and repenty. Did he tell you I was coming?"

"Yeah, he called yesterday."

"Just checkin'."

"Were you afraid your showing up would give me a heart attack or something?"

Faith cringed at Buffy's word choice. "Yeah, somethin' like that."

"So why did you come back?"

Faith searched her head for an answer. She wanted to say 'It was you Buffy. You're everything I've ever wanted in this world, and now since I'm going to be leaving it soon, I had to see you. I can't die not knowing what it's like to hold you in my arms, or to wake up next to your warm body. I want to feel you twist under me when I bring you to heights of pleasure you've never known before. You've always been my weakness, and now I want to know why.'

"I've just got some time to kill," the dark haired girl said as she sauntered along with the only person in the world she wanted to be with.

Buffy shrugged her shoulders. "Don't we all."

"I can't believe she's not home yet, where could she possibly be?" Willow asked Tara as she paced around the living room.

"Honey, sit down. Stop worrying. She's probably just taking her time patrolling since Dawn's over at her friend's for the night," Tara said as she sat patiently on the couch.

Willow sat down and put her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. "Is my worry-ness making you upset?"

"A little."

"I know she's a Slayer and can take care of herself, but she just hasn't been the same ole Buffy. She's new strange alternate universe Buffy, complete with extra-long slayage time spans."

Tara leaned over and placed a small kiss on Willow's head. "It's been a rough year for her. You've got to give her the benefit of the doubt."

"I know but…"

Willow was interrupted by the sound someone coming in the door. "Buffy you're home..." But Willow stopped, deadpan, as she saw Faith come into the house behind her. "…and you brought a psychopath."

"Willow wait, before you say anything…else, it's alright. Faith's just passing through. No killing or maiming, ok?"

Willow narrowed her eyes at the dark haired girl.

"Look Faith, if…" Once again Willow was interrupted. But this time it was by Faith pulling her into a hug.

"Good to see you too, Red," Faith said with her biggest grin.

Willow's eyes just widened, and Tara giggled.

Buffy had to do everything to stop herself from laughing.

"Um, yeah, so Faith and I are going to go upstairs," Buffy said as she grabbed Faith's hand and pulled her along.

The Slayers ran into Buffy's room and collapsed from laughter as soon as the door was shut.

"God, did you see her face?" Buffy said, wiping a tear from her eye. "That was priceless."

"Oh man, I love fuckin' with her," Faith said, as she tried to pull herself together.

Buffy finally stood, and extended her and to Faith to help her up.

Faith took her hand. "Thanks B." Faith misjudged the other Slayer's strength, and had to put her hands on Buffy's hips to stop herself from falling forward. They stood like that for a second, Faith's hands on Buffy's hips, Buffy's hands on Faith's arms.

"Faith…" Buffy started to say. She was interrupted by Faith doubling over in pain.

"Oh, God," the dark haired girl said as she clutched her chest.

"Faith, what's wrong?" Buffy asked as she bent to down to where Faith was laying in pain on the floor.

"I'm...uh…I'm ok B," Faith said, as pain began to subside. Faith closed her eyes, urging to pain to stop completely. When she opened them, she saw a worried pair of green eyes questioning her.

"I'm good, I'm good, no worries."

"What the hell was that?"

"Nothing B, just, you know, cramps."

"Right, Faith. Now unless your uterus has moved a little north, I'd say that's definitely not cramps."

Faith got up to put some distance between herself and the blonde Slayer.

"It's nothing, alright? Don't worry about it."

Buffy was getting angry with Faith's lack of an explanation.

"Nothing? I'll stop worrying when you tell me what the hell just made you almost pass out onto my floor."

"It's not your concern."

Buffy grabbed Faith's elbow and pulled her around to face her. "Bullshit. Tell me the truth."

Faith sighed, and finally relented. "I went to the doctor a couple of days ago. They told me I've got a hole in my heart."

Buffy's eyes widened. She knew what was coming next.

"I'm dyin' B," Faith said meekly.

Buffy was shocked. She sat down on her bed, just trying to process what Faith had told her.

The dark haired girl felt guilty for laying all her trouble on Buffy.

"I didn't want you to find out like this. I was just going to…"

"What?" Buffy said, getting up from the bed. "You were going to swoop in, make nice with me and go? Never tell me what was wrong with you. You were just going to take off and that was going to be it with us."

"I didn't want to burden you."

"You didn't want to burden me?" Buffy said with disgust. "Do you have any idea what that would have done to me? To not know that this may be my last time with you, and I didn't have the chance to tell you…"

Buffy stopped. She came up to Faith and pulled her into a fierce hug. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be yelling at you. God, I'm so sorry."

Faith pulled the blonde girl closer to her. Any normal person would have been crushed in their Slayer embrace. Faith could feel her shoulder getting wet from Buffy's tears.

"No, baby, don't cry," Faith said, gently rubbing Buffy's back. "It's not over yet. I'm still here."

Buffy pulled back and looked at Faith. She smoothed s stray piece of hair behind the dark haired girl's ear.

"Is this really happening?" Buffy asked quietly.

It was breaking Faith's heart to see Buffy in so much pain. She softly nodded.

Faith took the blonde Slayer in her arms and took her over to the bed. The laid down, curled in each other's arms.

"I'm so afraid to go to sleep," Buffy said as she pulled Faith closer.

"It's alright B," Faith said, trying to sound convincing. "I'll be here tomorrow."

That night, Buffy had a dream.

Buffy looked around and found she was still in her bedroom. Faith was sitting cross legged on her bed, looking at some kind of book. The room was mostly dark except for a light coming from the book, illuminating Faith's face. She looked up when she noticed Buffy standing there.

"I know we just made the bed, but I promise I won't crease the sheets," Faith said as she flipped the page.

Buffy looked over to the clock. It was blinking 14:40.

"I think that clocks actually right for once," Faith said as she continued to turn pages.

"What are you looking at?"

"A scrapbook I made. Wanna take a peek?" Faith asked.

Buffy moved over to the bed and sat down next to the dark haired girl. She looked at the pictures. But as she looked closer she realized they were moving images. It's like they were memories of the past.

"What are these?" Buffy asked, confused.

Faith smiled. "These are all the times I reached out to you for help."

Buffy looked down to see their various fights, and occasions where they talked in Faith's motel room. She felt so much pain looking at the events from the past playing out before her eyes.

"I couldn't tell Faith."

"Wait," she said as she turned to the last page of the scrapbook. "This is my favorite part." The page showed Buffy stabbing Faith, and her falling off the top if the building. It also had their confrontation at Angel's. Buffy could hear the sounds floating up from the pages. "If you apologize I will beat you to death." "Nothing's in control, nothing make sense. There's just pain and hate and nothing you do means anything…" "Just tell me how to make it better."

She had to look away.

"You know what they say B, hindsight is 20/20."

Faith got up and stood facing out the window. The moonlight was shining through it, lighting her face. "You can't leave me here," Faith said.

Buffy got up and came behind Faith. "I'm not leaving you, I promise, I'm here for you."

"You say that all the time. I thought you had things to do."

"I don't care; I'm going to stay with you."

Faith scoffed. "You know that's impossible. Everyone has an expiration date."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm dying Buffy."

"I know. Your health is failing."

"It's not my health. I die without you, a little more every day."

"What can I do? I can help you. I'll make it better."

"I found my peace in the shadows. You couldn't possibly give me what I need."

"What, what do you need?"

"Love, acceptance, stability…" Faith turned to Buffy. She moved intimately closer to Buffy.

"I let you drive me away," the dark haired girl said as she put her hands on Buffy's hips. "But I've got no time left for gray areas."

Buffy's breath quickened at Faith's touch.

"Don't worry. If I kiss you it won't affect the sun." With that Faith gently brought her lips to meet Buffy's. The kiss was tender and gentle, and left Buffy wanting more.

Faith smiled at Buffy's reaction. "I'm looking for my door key, but you are my porch light."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "I thought we talked about this riddle stuff."

"Don't let go of my hand," Faith said as she kissed Buffy on the forehead. "It's all about guilt. Don't let it win."

Buffy awoke with a start. She could feel Faith's arms around her, and she quickly rolled over. She looked to the dark haired girl's face to see if she was still breathing. She gently brought a hand up to feel her face.

Buffy breathed and audible sigh of relief when she saw Faith's eyes gently open.

"Hey," Faith said groggily.

All Buffy could do was smile. She cuddled back into Faith and laid her head on the dark haired girl's chest.

"Sleep alright Faith?"

"Actually no, but I'm just happy to be awake right now."

Buffy sat up to look at Faith. "There's so many things that I need to say to you."

"I think that's my line, B. How about we get up, get some food, and then we'll head out and have a big touchy feely talk."

Buffy chuckled at Faith. "Did you just say touchy feely?"

"Yep, and I'll say it again. Want me to?"

"Please don't."

"You brought me to lookout point?" Faith asked as she and Buffy reached the top of the hill.

"No. Lookout point is at the north end of town. This is place for avid pedestrians such as you and me. And plus, no one knows about this place."

"Sure B, I knew you wanted to get into my pants ever since you met me," Faith said as she laid out their blanket and sat down, leaning back against a tree. The view was amazing, and in about two hours, the Slayers were going to have front row seats to the sunset.

"Oh right, Miss 'I exude sexuality, please stare at my luscious body,'" Buffy mocked.

"I knew it B," Faith said. "I knew you thought I was hot."

Buffy climbed onto the blanket and sat back between Faith's legs. "Can't fight nature."

"You know I loved you back then."

"I knew. And in my own immature way, I loved you back."

"I fucked it up though. My whole 'I'm so evil' routine must have been such a turn off"

Buffy smiled, "Well actually the whole evil thing was kind of sexy. That was until you tried to kill my family and friends."

Faith moved to the side so she could look at Buffy. "You know, that's one of the main reasons I came back here. I had to make things right with you. To apologize. I needed your forgiveness."

Buffy gently kissed Faith on the cheek. "You don't."

Faith felt her entire body heat up the moment Buffy's lips touched her cheek. But then she registered what Buffy had actually said. "What?"

"I said you don't. You don't need my forgiveness. If I hadn't been such a snobby bitch with a stick up my ass when you first got here, things would have been different. We're both at fault."

Faith didn't know what to say.

"So what are the other reasons?" Buffy asked, breaking the silence.

"Other reasons?"

"You know, of why you came back here. You gave me one, are there more?"

Faith put a hand on the blonde's face. "Yeah actually, there are some more."

She brought her thumb up and ran it over Buffy's lips. "One is to say, I love you. And the other is to do this." With that Faith gently brought her lips to Buffy's.

Buffy had never felt anything as soft as Faith's lips in her entire life. She'd often wondered how they'd feel, taste. The blonde parted the full lips with her tongue to explore Faith's mouth.

Soon the small contact wasn't enough for them. Buffy pulled Faith back on top of her, intertwining their legs.

Faith could feel Buffy's hot center along her clothed thigh. And the feelings of the blonde's tongue, her hands running up Faith's body, were so intoxicating. And the gasping moans Buffy was emitting into her mouth were enough to send her over the edge.

Faith was completely lost in the situation. She had forgotten everything that was going on. Everything happening around the two Slayers was inconsequential at that moment. But something was gnawing at the dark haired girl.

She pulled back from Buffy breathless. Her head was spinning. "I can't do this B."

"Why? Was it me, because…"

"No, oh no baby," Faith said giving Buffy a soft kiss. "It's not you, you're…there are no words to describe you. But I can't do this to you. I can't…" Faith couldn't put her feelings into words.

"What Faith? You can tell me."

"I can't fuck you then leave. You deserve better," the dark haired girl said bluntly.

"Better than you? Not possible."

Faith somewhat blushed at Buffy's comment. "I'll bet you say that to all the girls you bring up here."

"I can't let you leave me without knowing you as well as I can. And if that means I'll have to give you mind-numbing orgasms, well then that's a price I'm willing to pay."

"Let's motorvate," Faith said as she saw the sun begin to sink below the tree line

Faith rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 7:30 in the a.m. Her mind flashed back to the night before, and she smiled. Images of Buffy writhing in ecstasy under her, arching into her as she came like a flood onto her hand, ran through her mind. She shuddered as she recalled the feel of the blonde's tongue between her legs. Faith extricated herself from Buffy's arms, and headed into the bathroom.

When she came out, Buffy was laying on the bed facing her, covered only by a thin sheet.

"Why don't you come back to bed," Buffy said seductively.

"I'm so there," Faith said as she strolled back towards a very naked Buffy. She climbed into bed, and took the blonde into her arms.

"I think we probably woke up the house last night," Buffy said as she ran her hand the dark haired girl's arm and intertwined their fingers.

"We? Girl, that was so you."

"Denial much?"

"I'm just not much a screamer, that's all."

Buffy rolled onto Faith's body and straddled her midsection. "Hmm…I think I can prove you wrong."

Finally, the exhausted Slayers left Buffy's bedroom, their hunger for food finally outweighing the other hunger that was consuming them.

"Good Morning," Buffy said to Willow, Tara and Dawn, who were in the kitchen.

"From what I heard last night, it's probably more than a 'good' morning," Tara said.

Even Willow, who was none to thrilled about Faith and Buffy's new found closeness, had to smile at that comment. Dawn just giggled.

"Chalk one up for the shy one," Faith said, impressed.

"So," Buffy said, embarrassed, "What's for breakfast?"

"I've got to say Red," Faith said, "I never thought I'd actually like scrambled tofu."

Willow smiled. "Thanks Faith."

"Dawn, would you clear the table?" Buffy asked her younger sister.

Dawn made a face.

"Nah, don't worry about it kid," Faith said, gathering the plates. "I got it."

Buffy caught Faith's shirt as she passed by, and pulled her down for a kiss.

"Are you trying to distract me from my kitchen duties?"

"I don't know," Buffy said with a smile. "Is it working?"

Tara cleared her throat and smiled.

"Just jealous," Faith called out behind her as she headed into the other room.

Everyone at the table was smiling at Buffy.

"What?"

"It's nice to see you so happy Buffy," Dawn said.

"And although it is with Faith," Willow said. "I'm still glad it's happening."

"Thanks Will."

All of a sudden everyone heard a large crash in the kitchen. Buffy was up and in there in a matter of seconds. She saw Faith leaning against the counter, holding her chest. Broken pieces of plates were scattered around her feet.

"Faith?!"

Buffy got to the dark haired girl just in time to catch her as she collapsed. She went to the floor with Faith, cradling the upper half of her body in her lap.

"Willow!" she yelled, "Call 911." Willow ran to the phone, and Tara took Dawn out of the room.

Faith was barely conscious, and her breathing was erratic because of the intense pain.

"Hang on baby, just hang on," Buffy said as she smoothed the hair off Faith's forehead.

"No, not now," Faith managed weakly, "I'm not ready to go. Please."

"Shh, it's alright, it's ok," Buffy said, trying to calm the frantic girl.

"No, I can feel it this time," Faith said, sobbing. "I don't want to go, there's too much to leave behind. I'm so sorry B, I'm so sorry. I love you. All I ever wanted was you. Remember that."

"I don't need to. You can tell me again tomorrow, and the next day, and all the days after that."

All of a sudden Faith's body stopped jerking. A serene look came over her face, and she lightly smiled at Buffy. And with that Faith's eyes fluttered closed.

"No Faith, look at me! Wake up and look at me! I don't give up that easy, look at me!" Buffy screamed hysterically. She pulled Faith closer and held her tighter.

"Please," Buffy said softly, "I need you."

But Faith didn't die. Not right then anyway. An hour later, while lying in the hospital bed, she squeezed Buffy's hand one last time, and silently departed this life. The sound of the high pitched of the heart monitor filled Buffy's ears. It was a sound she would wake up crying to that sound in the middle of the night for years to come.

Buffy felt numb. Faith was gone. Gone. Gone. She kept saying the word over and over in her head until it lost meaning. She sat at Faith's bedside until a doctor came and insisted she leave. She kissed Faith lightly on the forehead and followed the doctor out of the room. He had her sign some papers, and then handed her a bag. Inside was Faith's clothing.

As Buffy went through the clothes she came across Faith's jeans. She pulled them close to her chest, trying to take in the scent. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a neon green paper sticking out of the back pocket.

She pulled it out an unfolded it. It looked like the flyers the Sunnydale evangelists handed out around town. Buffy opened to front. It was some passage from the Bible or something, but a solitary sentence at the bottom caught her eye. It said:

"It doesn't matter how far away you think I've gone. If I am in your heart, then I'm still here."

Buffy fell to the floor as her body was racked with sobs.

The End

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